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  1. - Top - End - #451
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Last Thursday I got some deicer in my eyes while deiceing my workplace, and have recently regained sight. Outer layer was completely tripped off, major chemical burns to my corneas which are healing now.

    I had a terrible Christmas, being blind and in pain, but I can see (with heavy duty reading glasses at point blank range) and am recovering well.
    That's awful! I'm glad you seem to be improving though, and I hope there's no permanent damage.

  2. - Top - End - #452
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    @Tvtyrant: that sounds awful! I hope you have a speedy and complete recovery. Yikes.

    @(whoever was originally asking about sleep): have you tried a white-noise generator? I have one set to "ocean" and it unexpectedly has been helping a lot.

  3. - Top - End - #453
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Last Thursday I got some deicer in my eyes while deiceing my workplace, and have recently regained sight. Outer layer was completely tripped off, major chemical burns to my corneas...
    .


    That just sounds so awful.



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  4. - Top - End - #454
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Talking about fun Christmas times, my dad's cat came home during the Christmas dinner with a gaping hole in its side.we took her to the vet straight away, where we left her in intensive care. During the night, we were called to learn that she was too in shock/badly hurt and didn't survive anesthesia.
    Last edited by dehro; 2017-12-29 at 08:13 PM.
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  5. - Top - End - #455
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    Talking about fun Christmas times, my dad's cat came home during the Christmas dinner with a falling hole in its side.we took her to the vet straight away, where we left her in intensive care. During the night, we were called to learn that she was too in shock/badly hurt and didn't survive anesthesia.
    I'm sorry.
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  6. - Top - End - #456
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    Talking about fun Christmas times, my dad's cat came home during the Christmas dinner with a falling hole in its side.we took her to the vet straight away, where we left her in intensive care. During the night, we were called to learn that she was too in shock/badly hurt and didn't survive anesthesia.
    Oh no. That is so bad. I am very sorry for your loss. :(
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  7. - Top - End - #457
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Thanks for the best wishes everyone.

    Dehro, I am so sorry to hear that. Losing a pet is always terrible :C

  8. - Top - End - #458
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Eh.. It certainly put a downer on the day after Christmas.
    Thanks for the sympathy, peeps..it's appreciated
    Last edited by dehro; 2017-12-29 at 08:12 PM.
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  9. - Top - End - #459
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    This is bad.

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    So I'm out of my parents' house,
    which is good for me. But I'm getting very worried about my father's mental health. Like, this could end up with him harming himself level of worried. And I'm almost positive a lot of it is from how my mother behaves. But I don't know what to do, and I don't know where to turn that would know what to do. She's been going around calling local places talking about how she's the victim (which I think she really believes), so I don't think we can do that.
    He's been to the local hospital for mental health before and it was basically, let's put you in a bed for 3 days while not giving you your medicine because "this other stuff works for most people", and maybe we'll give you a few minutes with a psychiatrist once in there. And of course because of the situation my mother helped pick his counselor and has signed access to all those record, and it would almost certainly cause more problems if that got revoked.
    I'm going to have to do something. If nothing else,
    I'm one of an extremely few people that can't be cut out (if "but family" is in play, might as well use it). I'm really not all that sure what though.
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  10. - Top - End - #460
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    This is bad.
    I honestly believe your best option here is to seek legal counsel. is there a way for you to get that pro bono?
    I'd investigate if there's a possibility for you or a lawyer to take away your mother's hold on your dad's medical records, and for some form of social service assistance to be imposed upon the situation. From your past post it seems to me your mother is the source of the toxicity in the situation, if not the possible mental state of your father. If neither of your parents can be trusted to look out for themselves or one another, then someone from outside should take an interest.. but to be sure exactly how to set that up, I think you need to have a clear idea of what your, and their, legal options are.

    on a more DIY level.. does your father have a job? does your mother? who is the main bread winner? can your father find a different accomodation, even if only for brief periods, to regroup/recover in particularly nasty periods? could he move in with you/sleep on your couch? and is that something you could even fathom/deal with? would he be able to contribute to your household/expenses if that was something you were prepared to consider?
    I realise your mother is still your mother, but I'm thinking that distance from her, or even al 3 of you, would do you and your father a lot of good.. and who knows, maybe that change in situation might even make your mother see some sense, once she gets over the inevitable"abbandonment drama" and comes to realise she's brought that on herself.

    As for you being on your own.. how is that going? how are you adapting and holding up in your own place? if you take your parents out of the picture for a moment, have you been affected by the change?
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  11. - Top - End - #461
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    I honestly believe your best option here is to seek legal counsel. is there a way for you to get that pro bono?
    I'd investigate if there's a possibility for you or a lawyer to take away your mother's hold on your dad's medical records, and for some form of social service assistance to be imposed upon the situation. From your past post it seems to me your mother is the source of the toxicity in the situation, if not the possible mental state of your father. If neither of your parents can be trusted to look out for themselves or one another, then someone from outside should take an interest.. but to be sure exactly how to set that up, I think you need to have a clear idea of what your, and their, legal options are.

    on a more DIY level.. does your father have a job? does your mother? who is the main bread winner? can your father find a different accomodation, even if only for brief periods, to regroup/recover in particularly nasty periods? could he move in with you/sleep on your couch? and is that something you could even fathom/deal with? would he be able to contribute to your household/expenses if that was something you were prepared to consider?
    I realise your mother is still your mother, but I'm thinking that distance from her, or even al 3 of you, would do you and your father a lot of good.. and who knows, maybe that change in situation might even make your mother see some sense, once she gets over the inevitable"abbandonment drama" and comes to realise she's brought that on herself.

    As for you being on your own.. how is that going? how are you adapting and holding up in your own place? if you take your parents out of the picture for a moment, have you been affected by the change?
    The main issue here is going to be the mental blocks. See, my father can legally revoke her access to those files at any time he wishes. He could walk away, if he wanted to. He's the primary breadwinner.

    It's a matter of getting through to him that he isn't actually guilty of all these horrible things my mother is telling him he's guilty of, and that it's ok for my mother to be upset and hurt sometimes. And figuring out how to do things in a way that he's not dealing with so much more emotional punishment as to make them not worth it.
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  12. - Top - End - #462
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    yuk Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    The main issue here is going to be the mental blocks. See, my father can legally revoke her access to those files at any time he wishes. He could walk away, if he wanted to. He's the primary breadwinner.

    It's a matter of getting through to him that he isn't actually guilty of all these horrible things my mother is telling him he's guilty of, and that it's ok for my mother to be upset and hurt sometimes. And figuring out how to do things in a way that he's not dealing with so much more emotional punishment as to make them not worth it.
    are there any friends he relies on who are primarily his friends and not hers? family members on his side? people who are informed of the situation, to whatever degree? would it be possible to stage something of an intervention or, more simply, collect a bunch of statements, written or in video, where these people encourage him to step away, tell him he's not the problem or, more generically, that he's a good guy?
    would that get through to him and is it at all feasible?
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  13. - Top - End - #463
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    are there any friends he relies on who are primarily his friends and not hers? family members on his side? people who are informed of the situation, to whatever degree? would it be possible to stage something of an intervention or, more simply, collect a bunch of statements, written or in video, where these people encourage him to step away, tell him he's not the problem or, more generically, that he's a good guy?
    would that get through to him and is it at all feasible?
    There is essentially no one in his life like that. I've also noticed he doesn't generally describe what's going on himself, but tends to allow her descriptions to stand. I know she's also used that kind of argument herself to say - since he gets along ok with everyone else, but has all these issues at home, he must be somehow choosing to take everything out on her.
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  14. - Top - End - #464
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    There is essentially no one in his life like that. I've also noticed he doesn't generally describe what's going on himself, but tends to allow her descriptions to stand. I know she's also used that kind of argument herself to say - since he gets along ok with everyone else, but has all these issues at home, he must be somehow choosing to take everything out on her.
    since you live on your own now, would it be possible for you to invite him for lunch (or meet him at his place of work for it) on the regular? I'm thinking if he's out for work it won't be as conspicuous as dinner would be in terms of leaving out your mother. Maybe all he needs to see is that you're doing better now you're removed from your mother...maybe over a meal you can show him with words and closeness that it's possible for him to be in a family scenario without having drama and maybe that will convince him that he's not the source of the drama in the first place. Without going into specifics or playing a blame game, you could help him apply logic and/or view accusations, frustrations, arguments and recurring patterns for what they are: emotional abuse and signs of a need for professional assistance, whether for him or her.
    Maybe he goes along with your mother's stories about him because she repeats them often enough to him and ultimately that's all he hears anymore. A different tune could be the jumpstart he needs.
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  15. - Top - End - #465
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    That last suggestion is the best I think. Talk to him without your mother present. Unless its bad enough that he's going to get involuntarily committed somewhere, he is responsible for himself. You need to let your worries be known to him but ultimately his relationship with his wife is his own. Unless he is not of sound mind of course. In which case it will likely be a long legal battle because one's spouse tends to be the one who gets power of attorney in those types of situations.

  16. - Top - End - #466
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    That last suggestion is the best I think. Talk to him without your mother present. Unless its bad enough that he's going to get involuntarily committed somewhere, he is responsible for himself. You need to let your worries be known to him but ultimately his relationship with his wife is his own. Unless he is not of sound mind of course. In which case it will likely be a long legal battle because one's spouse tends to be the one who gets power of attorney in those types of situations.
    Let's just say that, while I think he's managing currently, we're in a position where I feel that it could go downhill into the hospitalization territory extremely rapidly. Hence why I'm pushing so hard.

    I did talk to him this morning. It's not that hard to invite him out to breakfast, especially as my mother doesn't really function in the mornings. We talked a bit. I phrased it as, I was worried that the situation was damaging to mental health for both of them. I know it really can be a depression symptom that people see things as offensive when they're not. I put it as, I'm worried if the focus ends up being solely on changing his behavior that it's never going to be fixed.
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  17. - Top - End - #467
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    that sounds good, insofar as I can tell, not knowing the details of the situation and personalities involved.

    I'd stick to it and keep this sort of comunication open in a consistent way. If you see it's not really getting through, try exploring new angles, more importantly, try to get his input, get him to talk and tell things from his point of view rather than the point of view your mother has talked into him. The more he elaborates, the more he can find his own voice back.
    This may take time because you have to undo years of previous work done by your mother. You might not see much progress, or clear signs of progress, but short of forcibly intervening with legal or psychological help, there's little else you can do and this might actually work.

    I know you have strong reservations about psychologists (I share quite a few of them albeit coming from a different angle), but it might actually help if you talked to one in order to get ideas on how to address specific things with your father in a constructive and moving way. The opinion of someone with actual training has to be more reliable than that of a random bloke off the internet.
    Getting him to talk to one under the guise of "coming along to a session for yourself and supporting you" might also be feasible (not sure about the ethical issues here for the professional involved, check beforehand).
    How do your own issues colour/cloud your perception of the state of things between your dad and your mum? Could that be a source for your sense of urgency in this matter? Has that changed now you're more independent? could that change be reflected in conversation or even purposedly highlighted in order to get through to your father?

    If I'm overstepping, feel free to tell me/ignore my advice.
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  18. - Top - End - #468
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Part of what bothers me is I do really think my mother completely believes what she's saying. So she's reacting in the same way someone experiencing regular emotional abuse would be (including physical stress symptoms such as blood pressure spikes). So I don't think she's lying or anything, so much as somehow something's very wrong with her perception of interpersonal interactions.

    She often seems to not show any comprehension of her own behavior, which then leads to being upset and hurt at people's reactions. So for example, behavior that most people would refer to as harassing or berating, she sees on her part as a perfectly normal attempt to have a discussion, and then get angry and hurt when other people get upset. On the other hand, she often seems to think that the absolute worst possible interpretation of someone's words or behavior is the obviously true one.

    It definitely comes across as a bit disconnected from reality.
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  19. - Top - End - #469
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Part of what bothers me is I do really think my mother completely believes what she's saying. So she's reacting in the same way someone experiencing regular emotional abuse would be (including physical stress symptoms such as blood pressure spikes). So I don't think she's lying or anything, so much as somehow something's very wrong with her perception of interpersonal interactions.

    She often seems to not show any comprehension of her own behavior, which then leads to being upset and hurt at people's reactions. So for example, behavior that most people would refer to as harassing or berating, she sees on her part as a perfectly normal attempt to have a discussion, and then get angry and hurt when other people get upset. On the other hand, she often seems to think that the absolute worst possible interpretation of someone's words or behavior is the obviously true one.

    It definitely comes across as a bit disconnected from reality.
    My own mother is the same way, and has been diagnosed as having several disorders. Key among them is bipolar disorder, whoch doctors were treating as depression and so would go into manic episodes which included disowning our entire family, thinking a nerf gun was real, and quitting her job in a way that made it impossible to return.

  20. - Top - End - #470
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    My own mother is the same way, and has been diagnosed as having several disorders. Key among them is bipolar disorder, whoch doctors were treating as depression and so would go into manic episodes which included disowning our entire family, thinking a nerf gun was real, and quitting her job in a way that made it impossible to return.
    Yeah, the hard part is this mentality applies to professionals too. So for example, she dropped marriage counseling because she believed the counselor was so horrendously biased and didn't care at all that she was being abused, and he was just automatically believing all my father's lies.

    Unfortunately, finding out information on domestic violence and emotional abuse did not improve this situation. It gave her more terms to frame how she feels (I really hate the term "gaslighting" now). And she found a lot of research on how victims often aren't believed or supported, which then gives her a reason to explain why people don't believe her.
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  21. - Top - End - #471
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Yeah, the hard part is this mentality applies to professionals too. So for example, she dropped marriage counseling because she believed the counselor was so horrendously biased and didn't care at all that she was being abused, and he was just automatically believing all my father's lies.

    Unfortunately, finding out information on domestic violence and emotional abuse did not improve this situation. It gave her more terms to frame how she feels (I really hate the term "gaslighting" now). And she found a lot of research on how victims often aren't believed or supported, which then gives her a reason to explain why people don't believe her.
    I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but some of your posts in the past, especially on the topic of therapy/your relationship with it and the professionals operating in this branch of health care seem, to me, to be similarly framed and reflect a similar disposition.
    Yes, I realise that in your case it's based more on direct experience than on things you read doing research, but by how you describe it, that seems to be the foundation of your mother's experience of reality as well... that her experience of reality doesn't match up with the facts doesn't matter really. To her it's real enough to then build her defense (and offense) dynamics on. It may well be that hearing you argue against finding yet another therapists in a similar fashion either makes your arguments invalid or or reinforces her belief that she's in the right.
    The underscored parts remind me of you saying things like "a new therapists wouldn't work because therapists don't believe my previous history with therapists, or that I know best/better what my problems are and they're rubbish anyway because they go by their books and preconceived perceptions and those don't fit my daily reality, so talking to a new one won't work for me"
    (I'm paraphrasing here, but seem to recollect a few posts by you very much in this spirit)
    I don't mean to lump you together with your mother in terms of what you go through or where responsabilities lie, but there seems to be, to my untrained eye, a commonality of behaviour or at least debating techniques, if this makes sense.
    maybe this fact can be used to at least get a better idea of the nature of her problems/how to counter some of her arguments.
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  22. - Top - End - #472
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I’m a bit late to the party, but I wanted to comment on WarKitty’s situation.

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    My mother was the exact same way. She was a substance abuser as well, which I suspect she did to self-medicate for her own undiagnosed mental illnesses. I haven’t seen her in years, but the impact her behavior had on my father even long after she left (after a years-long affair behind his back) changed him into someone no longer resembling the man I knew from my childhood. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from the ordeal. He stopped taking care of himself, stopped seeing doctors. When he was diagnosed with cancer, he had waited so long that there were very few options available. He later confided in me that he had put it off because he was sick of bad news and disappointment.


    Just make sure you continue to let him know you’re there, and know that there are others who understand what you’re going through. More importantly, don’t forget to take care of yourself in the process. There is always an other side to these situations, but we have to do what we can to emerge from it unbroken. When my own father’s marriage fell apart, and again before he passed away, he told me the one thing that kept him going was the desire to see his children succeed. By doing what you can to help yourself get through this, you might very well help him.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Hello again I'm thinking of just going through and deleting Facebook contacts again, as well as other things to isolate myself. Notably just finding a way to kill forum accounts here and elsewhere as well as outright blocking one of the people I can go to for help. It won't make things better but I feel like I should do this.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Dude, don't. Isolating yourself helps absolutely nothing. It hurts people who care about you and cuts off any chance for them to be able to help you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    Dude, don't. Isolating yourself helps absolutely nothing. It hurts people who care about you and cuts off any chance for them to be able to help you.
    Completely agree. Isolation cuts you off from support and distractions. It might seem responsible, but in my experience it is just a way to hide which eventually will harm you.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Yeah I recognize that it wouldn't really help anything. It's an impulse mostly driven by self loathing. A while ago, maybe six months I got rid of most of my Facebook contacts. That decision was driven by the realization that most people I thought of as friends never responded to me and it seemed better to just give up on them.

  27. - Top - End - #477
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    kinglinus1's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Yeah I recognize that it wouldn't really help anything. It's an impulse mostly driven by self loathing. A while ago, maybe six months I got rid of most of my Facebook contacts. That decision was driven by the realization that most people I thought of as friends never responded to me and it seemed better to just give up on them.
    Well, I think you should be with freinds, that’s always a good way to cheer your life up. But I find this forum is a good way to interact with people your not necessarily freinds with. Take this thread for example. There will never be anything exactly like what I feel when I see strangers help people who are depressed. It reminds me that, even if we can’t necessarily help them, these people will always have someone at their back.

    Delete your accounts, if you really must, but I would be sad if you weren’t on anymore

  28. - Top - End - #478
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    Grytorm's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Its hard to be with friends when they are so hard to come by and I have limited social skills. For forums and stuff, I just feel like I don't really contribute anything anywhere I spend time online. That and I feel guilty about posting to this thread. I've done it a lot it feels like, and I just end up feeling like I am just trying to get attention half the time.

  29. - Top - End - #479
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    Recherché's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I've had some luck joining play by post games. Well honestly most of them die early but the ones that don't are where some of my best friends come from. It's a lot harder to be ignored when there's only 7 or less of you in the game.

  30. - Top - End - #480
    Orc in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Its hard to be with friends when they are so hard to come by and I have limited social skills. For forums and stuff, I just feel like I don't really contribute anything anywhere I spend time online. That and I feel guilty about posting to this thread. I've done it a lot it feels like, and I just end up feeling like I am just trying to get attention half the time.
    Hey, man. There's nothing wrong with that. People need attention, sometimes. We need to be recognized, to be seen! Even us introverts. It's part of being human.

    So keep posting. And we'll keep saying "Hey. I see you."

    It's cool.
    Last edited by ve4grm; 2018-01-12 at 12:39 PM.

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