Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Recherché]

So there's this combo lab and group presentation that's worth 30% of my grade for this class and the rest of my group just... isn't talking to me. One of them went on a vacation in Hawaii and the other two just aren't responding to any messages or emails from me. Maybe they're doing something over in Facebook where I can't participate. (Being on Facebook does bad things to my mental health so I try not to.) I've been trying to do my share but I have no idea if I'm getting anywhere or what's going on.

I don't want to keep pestering people and make a pain out of myself. I've had people complain to teachers about me being too intense and driven and steamroller ING over everyone else before. But something has to give. I also don't want to complain to the instructor when it might just be that the work is going on in communication channels I can't access. Well that and I just don't want to be a snitch. I could try to do everything myself but I'm kind of wary there. I dunno.

[Mith]

The thing is, if they are not answering email, that is something that you should talk to your professor about. The worst they can do is tell you to deal with it yourself. This is about your marks too.

[Algeh]

So, I have a skin condition where, basically, the skin on and near my right wrist gets really dry, cracks, and bleeds (the doctor suspects it's some kind of contact dermatitis, but we've never been able to nail down a cause/prevention routine too specifically). This is generally pretty annoying, I've seen a doctor for it, I have a quasi-working doctor-recommend plan for making it less severe by using coconut oil on it, I'm not in desperate need of specific skin-care advice at this time, etc.

Spoiler

Show

Unfortunately, one of the current cracks is right on my inner wrist, and it looks, superficially, a lot like the kind of mark I used to give myself on my other wrist when I was much younger (about 15-20 years ago) and had a problem with self harm. I usually don't spend a lot of time trying to cover up my skin problems (nothing short of wearing fairly long gloves would really cover the whole thing up in a way that left my hand usable, and that would probably look weirder than just having skin issues), but I'm finding I'm feeling really uncomfortable not wearing all of things I used to wear to mask my arm marks back when I was worried about getting caught self-injuring (mostly I wore a lot of overly long-sleeved cardigans/sweaters at the time, sometimes fishnet sweaters and such in the summer). I'm having all of this "what if I get caught" anxiety for no reason. It's a really weird feeling.

I don't really need any advice, I just felt the need to share that with someone, and there's just no one in my life right now that it makes sense to have that conversation with.

[factotum]

I assume the doctor has tested for and ruled out psoriasis for that skin problem?

[Chen]

So there's this combo lab and group presentation that's worth 30% of my grade for this class and the rest of my group just... isn't talking to me. One of them went on a vacation in Hawaii and the other two just aren't responding to any messages or emails from me. Maybe they're doing something over in Facebook where I can't participate. (Being on Facebook does bad things to my mental health so I try not to.) I've been trying to do my share but I have no idea if I'm getting anywhere or what's going on.

I don't want to keep pestering people and make a pain out of myself. I've had people complain to teachers about me being too intense and driven and steamroller ING over everyone else before. But something has to give. I also don't want to complain to the instructor when it might just be that the work is going on in communication channels I can't access. Well that and I just don't want to be a snitch. I could try to do everything myself but I'm kind of wary there. I dunno.

Can you not speak to them in class?

[sneakykitten]

sneakykitty is gonna be homeless in a month. there are peoples working on it, tho they as well leaving a lot up to her, and she is overwhelmed. she's trying to get estrogen base medicine and instead ppls focus on food denying blah blahs and go, 'nope, nope, nope.' and her fam wanna have her stay upstairs all day except to clean and give massages, which is good, she loves to serve. just that as homelessness comes closer more overwhelmed and shut down she feels....

she has some problems. like, she being diagnosed with borderline and PTSD and anxiety, gets depress and loses everything about what's going on and sees and hears ghosts, and she now hearing whispers coming from her Friend's computer as of two or three days ago. she feels like everything is falling apart. she doesn't know the right questions to ask?

[Recherché]

Can you not speak to them in class?

The next class is when the presentation is due. This group has already been driving me crazy with putting everything off to the last minute and now it's getting much worse

[sneakykitten]

I don't want to keep pestering people and make a pain out of myself. I've had people complain to teachers about me being too intense and driven and steamroller ING over everyone else before. But something has to give. I also don't want to complain to the instructor when it might just be that the work is going on in communication channels I can't access. Well that and I just don't want to be a snitch. I could try to do everything myself but I'm kind of wary there. I dunno.

Definitely feel what you're going thru. Don't worry too much about what they're talking about in private. Just ask them maybe in a comofortable setting? In the classroom? On a lunch break? Maybe try approaching with like, making it all about them, and asking: "What can I do to make You feel comfortable to talk about what's going on?" And you shouldn't have to do everything totally alone, that's unfair. So just try to approach them and explain how You feel non-confrontationally? Umm, sorry, that may be a bad word choice.

Like, it's okay to be scared that ppls aren't talking to You and You may fail the group thingy, maybe try opening by asking them if they were busy?

[dehro]

The next class is when the presentation is due. This group has already been driving me crazy with putting everything off to the last minute and now it's getting much worse

definitely try every avenue of comunication twice over the next couple of days. if they don't respond, see if you can meet them in person if you know where they live or hang out. if that fails, get in touch with your teacher/supervisor/whatever... this is a recurring problem apparently. just write to the person in charge that you can't get any feedback and don't want to risk having to deal with everything at the last minute just because your team members aren't doing their share or are not comunicating. they may still say it's your issue to solve, but you can always point out that you wouldn't have to if you had better team-mates and that you don't want to come off like a stalker or somesuch, but they really are incomunicado.
try involving the person who went off on holiday... he can act as a go-between to put you in touch with the other members of the group even from the beach.

[sneakykitten]

gonna try to post about this blah blahs again, then she tries to do something else and wait and see what happens.

1. she is facing homelessness and has no way to get to a job, doesn't know what job to do and she needs at least basic assistance?

2. she has no real way to contact employers except thru a caregiver or something, she has no phone, bosses ignore her e-mails.

3. peoples seem to feel an ID means absolutely everything, and they refuse to offer assistance with finding a new place to live or really anything besides therapy.

what does she do to find a real job? anybody?

[Algeh]

gonna try to post about this blah blahs again, then she tries to do something else and wait and see what happens.

1. she is facing homelessness and has no way to get to a job, doesn't know what job to do and she needs at least basic assistance?

2. she has no real way to contact employers except thru a caregiver or something, she has no phone, bosses ignore her e-mails.

3. peoples seem to feel an ID means absolutely everything, and they refuse to offer assistance with finding a new place to live or really anything besides therapy.

what does she do to find a real job? anybody?

Assuming your location is correct, you need to get your ID issues sorted out in order to get a real job. That's why everyone seems to be fixating on this when you ask for help, and probably one of the reasons potential employers aren't returning your emails. There are specific government forms that employers need to fill out in order to hire you. Those forms require you to have ID from a certain list. Getting something that will work from those forms of ID if you don't have them right now needs to pretty much be your first priority in getting a job. Various groups that work with homeless people will probably be able to help you get a new ID if yours has been lost or stolen - this is a fairly common obstacle that people face during a period of homelessness or other similar life chaos.

I get that, in your case, there are possible name/gender mismatch issues with your ID. That is, unfortunately, often something that it is harder to get help with and probably not something that most poverty/homelessness charities can help you out with (some would, but I don't know of any that specifically working Spokane offhand). I don't know if Spokane has a good local LGBT resource center that would be able to point you in the right direction, nor do I know how hard it is to get such documents changed in your state. (Every state has its own process. In some states is it much easier than others.) You may be stuck navigating the stressful and upsetting world of having an ID with incorrect name/gender information on it during your job search. This sucks, and I'm sorry, but it may be the situation you are in since it's easier to get those sorts of documents changed after you have some money to pay whatever the needed fees are, have a stable mailing address, and generally have the mental bandwidth to go through whatever your state's process is. There are probably people here in the Playground who have gone through the job search process with those kind of ID issues, so you can probably get some good advice on how to navigate that over in one of the LGBT threads if you ask about that specifically.

Get a cell phone if you can. You don't need ID or a good credit history to get a pre-paid phone. When I got one, I did not have to provide any identifying information at all, since I paid cash so it required no more personal information than buying a sandwich. You can get a pre-paid phone from places like Target or Walmart for about $30, and put just enough minutes on it so that you have something that you can use for making and receiving calls about jobs or assistance programs you have applied for. I have not researched pre-paid phones for a while, so I do not know who has the cheapest deals for someone in your situation right now. The charities that work with homeless and precariously housed people may also be able to point you in the right direction here.

You may be able to get help with your job search at the local unemployment office (even though you probably don't qualify for unemployment money since it's a form of government insurance that you earn due to your previous job). They usually have job-hunting resources and can connect you with charities focused on helping people get jobs. Again, you will need ID for this.

Ultimately, being an adult means that you are in charge of your own life, and you just have to navigate figuring out a bunch of stuff on your own rather than having someone else take care of everything for you. Other people can give you advice, but you're the captain of your own ship and have to figure out how to steer it.

[halfeye]

Again, you will need ID for this.

ID is a bugbear. In the UK currently you need a driver's licence or a passport. Passports are a serious PITA to get, you have to have a type of birth certificate they only started issuing about 20 years ago (that anybody can buy for anybody's birth, so it's not actually proof of anything), you have to fill in a form exactly right, and have someone who can certify that your photos are of you, who isn't a random.

[Xianthe]

I second everything @Algeh posted above, but here's a few more thoughts.

1. Recovering missing ID is a knotty mess of interconnecting requirements. As someone who used to work for the DMV in her state and took this call a ton: if you are missing the trifecta (social security card, birth certificate, state ID/driver's license) don't try to start with the driver's license. With most states now REAL ID compliant, the documentation needed is far more strict and you'll almost certainly need the other two before you can get the state ID. Social Security has a longer list of items that might work, and Vital Records generally has more ability to be flexible. Tell them up front that you are missing the usual documents and ask what alternatives there might be. If you are young-ish (under 18, generally) your parents may legally be able to vouch for you to get you one of more of those documents.

2. You alluded to a criminal record in the LGBTQIA+ thread when you were asking your questions. Unfortunately, there are some things that are harder to do when you have a record - low income housing almost universally excludes people with a felony on their record from living in government housing in the US. This is a federal rule, and it absolutely sucks. I don't know what your record is in relation to or how severe it was, so here's a few general ideas:

• If you have any kind of supervision from your charges (probation officer, etc.) talk to them. They almost certainly have some idea of places that regularly hire/will rent to people with criminal records. In my state, we have a program that reimburses employers who hire recently released offenders for training costs - WA might have something similar.
• The "box" that a lot of employers put on their applications asking you if you've been convicted of a crime? That sucks hard - some cities/states are starting to ban that question, so take a look at your state/local government to see if that's the case. Look to see if there's a non-profit lobbying your state/city to "Ban the Box" - they may have some good resources for you in job hunting as well.
• Check to see if there's any "vocational rehabilitation" programs that you might qualify.
• Try working with a temp agency and/or go to job fairs where you have the ability to meet with a recruiter in person. Walk in and deliver your application/resume to a company in person if you can. Give them a chance to see you as more than a name and a record on a piece of paper.
• Any job that requires you to be bonded for insurance purposes is going to be a no go if your record is in any way related to theft or fraud.
• Offences unrelated to the field of the company you are working with are less likely to be a stumbling block. Marijuana related charges are probably going to be weird in WA, but any multi-state company is going to be strict on it, because it is still illegal on the federal level, and they tend to hold all offices to the same standards.
• To be honest, most of the low hanging fruit for finding work with a record is going to be factories/landscaping/janitorial/other manual or "unskilled" labor. Mostly because they have a lot of turn-over and they run round-the-clock, so they always need people. Some call centers, but see the note about charges related to their area of expertise.
• Also, at the lower level menial jobs, I've found that government agencies tend to be relatively open to hiring someone who might not be able to get a job in the private sector.
• If you can get one of these jobs, try to stay for at least six month and preferably a year.

3. You've mentioned that all the places you've reached out to help are only offering "therapy". Obviously, it's not what you want, but if it's being offered to you, take it. Any help you can get now with managing your PTSD/anxiety/depression will be helpful when you actually find a job/while you are looking. The last thing you need in your situation is to get a job, and then have a bad stretch while you are on probation for a job. I tried to go without therapy for my PTSD/anxiety during my first job after the triggering event happened, and I was a wreck. Therapy is something that you can do now, while you are doing the other things to get ID in order/get a job. It'll be harder to get to regular appointments once you are working again.

[Liquor Box]

Assuming your location is correct, you need to get your ID issues sorted out in order to get a real job. That's why everyone seems to be fixating on this when you ask for help, and probably one of the reasons potential employers aren't returning your emails. There are specific government forms that employers need to fill out in order to hire you. Those forms require you to have ID from a certain list. Getting something that will work from those forms of ID if you don't have them right now needs to pretty much be your first priority in getting a job. Various groups that work with homeless people will probably be able to help you get a new ID if yours has been lost or stolen - this is a fairly common obstacle that people face during a period of homelessness or other similar life chaos.

I get that, in your case, there are possible name/gender mismatch issues with your ID. That is, unfortunately, often something that it is harder to get help with and probably not something that most poverty/homelessness charities can help you out with (some would, but I don't know of any that specifically working Spokane offhand). I don't know if Spokane has a good local LGBT resource center that would be able to point you in the right direction, nor do I know how hard it is to get such documents changed in your state. (Every state has its own process. In some states is it much easier than others.) You may be stuck navigating the stressful and upsetting world of having an ID with incorrect name/gender information on it during your job search. This sucks, and I'm sorry, but it may be the situation you are in since it's easier to get those sorts of documents changed after you have some money to pay whatever the needed fees are, have a stable mailing address, and generally have the mental bandwidth to go through whatever your state's process is. There are probably people here in the Playground who have gone through the job search process with those kind of ID issues, so you can probably get some good advice on how to navigate that over in one of the LGBT threads if you ask about that specifically.

Get a cell phone if you can. You don't need ID or a good credit history to get a pre-paid phone. When I got one, I did not have to provide any identifying information at all, since I paid cash so it required no more personal information than buying a sandwich. You can get a pre-paid phone from places like Target or Walmart for about $30, and put just enough minutes on it so that you have something that you can use for making and receiving calls about jobs or assistance programs you have applied for. I have not researched pre-paid phones for a while, so I do not know who has the cheapest deals for someone in your situation right now. The charities that work with homeless and precariously housed people may also be able to point you in the right direction here.

You may be able to get help with your job search at the local unemployment office (even though you probably don't qualify for unemployment money since it's a form of government insurance that you earn due to your previous job). They usually have job-hunting resources and can connect you with charities focused on helping people get jobs. Again, you will need ID for this.

Ultimately, being an adult means that you are in charge of your own life, and you just have to navigate figuring out a bunch of stuff on your own rather than having someone else take care of everything for you. Other people can give you advice, but you're the captain of your own ship and have to figure out how to steer it.

This is a very good advice email. The advice may not be taken, but kudos to you for taking the time to write it.

[AMFV]

Sneaky, I think that your friend's highest priority should be to get a cheap pre-paid phone. Those are less than a hundred dollars. She could earn that much panhandling in a probably less than a week. That would give her the ability to get jobs, contact places that could help her and all of that. You can't get an under-the-table job without a phone nowadays. So that should be her highest priority.

As far as the ID issue goes, it depends on exactly what the issue is. If she can't get an ID because of missing documentation or immigration status or some other similar issue, then she may be pretty stuck. If it's the deadname thing I would strongly advise her to consider trying to "suck it up" if she can't, if that's too much for her then my advice would be the same as in a situation where she couldn't get an ID at all. Which is this: There are fields and jobs that might be willing to pay her in cash and not have her fill out an I-9 form. There is a lot of risk with this since she would not have government protections, access to unemployment, the ability to sue for wrongful termination or wage and work hours enforcement. But if she has no other option that would be something I would consider. Handyman type work, landscaping, non-union construction, those would be the places I might look. I've heard that maid work or cleaning work might be similar, but I have less experience there. Essentially she would want to look at jobs that undocumented immigrants might take.


As far as her criminal record goes, fortunately the types of jobs I'm recommending are the kinds of jobs where people don't usually care that much about criminal records. I work in union construction and there's usually at least one or two guys on a job site who have been on the wrong side of prison bars.

[Algeh]

So, I just got an invite to the neighborhood barbeque potluck that's tomorrow (I moved in about a year ago and suspect that the neighbors realized at the last minute that I'm not on the neighborhood facebook group/mailing list/discord/whatever, so they taped an invite to my door today).

I loathe potlucks, but I'd like to do better at connecting with my neighbors, who generally seem like a pretty nice group of people, so I went ahead and told them I'd go.

I really, really hate potlucks, because I have a ton of dietary restrictions so I can't actually eat most things other people might bring, and most of what I personally eat is "weird" enough in some way that it makes poor potluck fare because it's all warped around my dietary restrictions. The most serious issue is that I'm allergic to bell peppers to the point where sometimes I have trouble breathing just being in the same room with them, but I also don't/can't eat a pretty all-encompassing list of things that Normal People bring to potlucks (specifics don't matter, and I'm not including them because I don't want a bunch of "food I should try" advice, but it's quite possible that no one will bring anything I can safely eat other than maybe a dessert).

I have been attending many awkward potlucks my entire adult life without hitting on that magical dish to bring that (a) I can eat as a main course, (b) works well as a "potluck food" (something homemade that can sit out for several hours and works well when paired with other typical potluck dishes), (c) I can reliably make, and (d) other people don't think it's totally weird and avoid it. I'm taking cornbread tomorrow, because I have all of the ingredients on hand to make it, and I make it pretty much as written to a recipe without a lot of weird dietary twists, so it'll satisfy all but (a), and I'll just plan to eat a meal before I go so I can live on bread and dessert there.

Is there a polite way to not eat the rest of the food at this thing without turning it into telling my life story? I'm really tired of everyone spending a bunch of time trying to find things I can eat, worrying that I'll go hungry, telling me all about their various food allergies and those of everyone they've ever met, telling me how tasty the food I'm not eating is and suggesting that maybe I should try just a little of it, and generally fussing at me. I don't expect other people to cook food I can eat except maybe for close relatives and friends, I just want to go to this thing and try to be sociable with the neighbors.

[kgato503]

@ Algeh

I might be able to help. Growing up I was a picky eater, and even now as an adult I still am one in many ways (although my tastes have broadened a little). However, with age, I have become a little more self conscious about it. When I go to a potluck, I just put what I want on my plate, and try not to bring up the food in conversation if I feel like it would be a problem. You do not need to try everything, and you are under no obligation to explain your choices. The nice thing with social gatherings like potlucks is that you can float around until you find a conversation you like, or drift away from one you don't like (at least in my experience). So, if the food is all a group is talking about, you can find another group. You can also always start a conversation with with small talk (work, school, weather, hobbies, ect.) and go from there. In my experience at potlucks, people won't pay too much attention to what you grab to eat unless A) you bring it up yourself, B) they want to know if what you have is any good, or C) they are way too nosy/busy-body for anyone's good. Avoiding A, and keeping answers to B short and sweet should help keep things from getting too personal. Problem C is rarer, if more annoying, but redirecting the conversation should help a little (that and walking away if they don't get the hint). If someone pesters you about trying something, you can say that you don't really feel like having some of whatever it is (which may be completely true), you can say "maybe later", or "maybe when I go back" (emphasis on "maybe"), or "I'll keep it in mind" (nice and non-committal).

Finally, if you need to, saying that you have some food allergies/dietary restrictions, and you would rather not go into it is a perfectly valid and reasonable thing to say. Unless your doctor happens to be one of your neighbors, no one at the potluck has a right to your medical history/information but you.

As a side note, since this is a BBQ, do you know if there will be any activities besides eating and talking? If so, you might join in with those, which would help avoid dietary questions. For example, the last potluck I went to, we played Cards Against Humanity .

[Algeh]

That...kind of works, but my food things are so complicated it's quite likely I will have nothing I can eat but what I brought myself, and I've found when that happens if others are eating a sit-down meal everyone really notices that I'm not eating and lunges into Cluelessly Helpful mode, where they start trying, as a large group, to figure out if I can eat anything else. ("Hey Steve, do you remember if there's any soy in your mashed potatoes?" "I don't think so, I mean, who puts soy sauce in potatoes?" "Algeh, it looks like you can have the potatoes!" Algeh: "Umm...soy is in margarine and most things that say 'vegetable oil' without picking a specific vegetable. Do you remember whether you used butter in them or margarine in them?" repeat for basically every single dish, and hope that people actually remember things like that they also greased the pan with Crisco. Soy is not the only food I get to do this with, either, and the best-case scenario is that I maybe get to have something like mashed potatoes, but no gravy, to go with my other starch.)

[Mith]

That...kind of works, but my food things are so complicated it's quite likely I will have nothing I can eat but what I brought myself, and I've found when that happens if others are eating a sit-down meal everyone really notices that I'm not eating and lunges into Cluelessly Helpful mode, where they start trying, as a large group, to figure out if I can eat anything else. ("Hey Steve, do you remember if there's any soy in your mashed potatoes?" "I don't think so, I mean, who puts soy sauce in potatoes?" "Algeh, it looks like you can have the potatoes!" Algeh: "Umm...soy is in margarine and most things that say 'vegetable oil' without picking a specific vegetable. Do you remember whether you used butter in them or margarine in them?" repeat for basically every single dish, and hope that people actually remember things like that they also greased the pan with Crisco. Soy is not the only food I get to do this with, either, and the best-case scenario is that I maybe get to have something like mashed potatoes, but no gravy, to go with my other starch.)

I apologise on behalf of the Cluelessly Helpful people. Usually for me, the "food conversation" is to determine what the dietary range is so that the next time you are at an event, you do not end up in the same situation. So it's more of "we cannot change today, but we could change tomorrow." Plus, if I am hosting at my host, being 30 minutes from the nearest hospital means I really do not want a bad allergy reaction on my hands.

[Honest Tiefling]

Alegh, you and I should compare allergies.

Have you tried changing the subject? 'Oh, accommodating my allergies is more complicated than that, but I'm glad you're concerned. But I really wanted to talk about that game last night!'. Find a topic and pursue it. Most people will either get the hint, or want to not talk about someone's diet. You could also make it a joke. 'I could tell you how to cook for me, but I don't want to talk about it all night!'.

You could also just eat beforehand and just pick at something small.

Also indicate that you don't want to bother people, especially if there are tiny little picky humans about, such as children. Trying to find food for everyone is already difficult, so pretend you're just being considerate of those bringing food. Many people do enjoy talking about their little sproglets, so that might be an excellent topic of conversation.

If they persist, go with what kgato said and just be firm that you don't want to talk about it. Sometimes you need to be firm with people. They might want to be helpful, maybe not, but few people want to talk about your diet so don't be afraid to indicate otherwise.

Can you have any fruit? Not sure how hot it is where you are, but certain fruits might be a good choice to bring.

[Algeh]

Alegh, you and I should compare allergies.

Have you tried changing the subject? 'Oh, accommodating my allergies is more complicated than that, but I'm glad you're concerned. But I really wanted to talk about that game last night!'. Find a topic and pursue it. Most people will either get the hint, or want to not talk about someone's diet. You could also make it a joke. 'I could tell you how to cook for me, but I don't want to talk about it all night!'.

You could also just eat beforehand and just pick at something small.

Also indicate that you don't want to bother people, especially if there are tiny little picky humans about, such as children. Trying to find food for everyone is already difficult, so pretend you're just being considerate of those bringing food. Many people do enjoy talking about their little sproglets, so that might be an excellent topic of conversation.

If they persist, go with what kgato said and just be firm that you don't want to talk about it. Sometimes you need to be firm with people. They might want to be helpful, maybe not, but few people want to talk about your diet so don't be afraid to indicate otherwise.

Can you have any fruit? Not sure how hot it is where you are, but certain fruits might be a good choice to bring.

Yeah, my plan is to eat before I go, and hope that people don't really notice that I'm not eating. I've just found that people pretty much always notice that you're not eating, particularly when you can't have any of the main course.

Spoiler: my food things

Show

First, I have a serious "may have trouble with breathing" allergy to bell peppers, with milder-but-still-nasty reactions to other peppers and paprika (which is made from peppers). Most common sources of accidental exposure are people not realizing paprika is in something, people cutting multiple kinds of veggies with the same knife/on the same cutting board, people forgetting everything they've added to the soup/sauce/veggie stock, and people forgetting that while pepperjack cheese is cheese, it is also peppers.

Second, I'm a vegetarian. I eat eggs and dairy, but haven't eaten meat for about a decade now and probably no longer have the stomach enzymes to digest it at this point. This means that I probably can't eat a main course at most "normal" food events, because it's probably made of meat. Many soups and sauces will use something like chicken stock in them, so I basically also can't eat most complicated sides without knowing what's in them, and most people are terrible about knowing what's actually in the food they bring. To make it worse, I usually accidentally end up "outing" someone who is not really bringing 100% "homemade" food when some Cluelessly Helpful person starts asking them ingredient-by-ingredient what is in their soup/casserole/stuffing/etc., and it is discovered that they made it by using several multi-ingredient things (cream of mushroom soup, stuffing mix, biscuit mix, etc.), combining them, and having that go pretty well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cooking that way, but the ingredient interrogation usually leaves them embarrassed and me unable to eat whatever it was due to the remaining ambiguity.

Third, I have some sort of non-allergy sensitivity to soy. The best way to explain it is that it's about like lactose intolerance, but for soy instead. It's particularly likely to be set off by margarine, which is mostly a problem when smug vegans try to "trick" you into eating vegan margarine instead of butter to "show you that you wouldn't miss dairy if you gave it up". (Yes, you can food my taste buds. No, you can't fool my intestines in a few hours. Thanks.) It's also a problem because a lot of people think of butter and margarine as so interchangeable that they really won't know which is in something. Soy is also in pretty much all processed foods (an exaggeration, but not much of one), so it's probably in whatever-it-is unless whoever was making it was deliberately avoiding it. It's also the most common meat substitute, so I am unlikely to be able to eat whatever the "vegetarian option" is. Like lactose intolerance, I can have a little bit, but I have to keep an eye on it and limit quantities.

I also have some trouble with raw onions, but that feels almost petty in comparison.

On the other hand, I can drink milk all day long without an upset stomach, so there's that. I can also eat gluten with impunity. (Being able to drink milk has bailed me out of a lot of situations in which it would otherwise be hard to get enough protein. I end up having a salad with no dressing and a glass of milk as a dinner in more situations than I would like, including the last time I had dinner in a dining car on a train.)

[kgato503]

Yeah, my plan is to eat before I go, and hope that people don't really notice that I'm not eating. I've just found that people pretty much always notice that you're not eating, particularly when you can't have any of the main course.

Spoiler: my food things

Show

First, I have a serious "may have trouble with breathing" allergy to bell peppers, with milder-but-still-nasty reactions to other peppers and paprika (which is made from peppers). Most common sources of accidental exposure are people not realizing paprika is in something, people cutting multiple kinds of veggies with the same knife/on the same cutting board, people forgetting everything they've added to the soup/sauce/veggie stock, and people forgetting that while pepperjack cheese is cheese, it is also peppers.

Second, I'm a vegetarian. I eat eggs and dairy, but haven't eaten meat for about a decade now and probably no longer have the stomach enzymes to digest it at this point. This means that I probably can't eat a main course at most "normal" food events, because it's probably made of meat. Many soups and sauces will use something like chicken stock in them, so I basically also can't eat most complicated sides without knowing what's in them, and most people are terrible about knowing what's actually in the food they bring. To make it worse, I usually accidentally end up "outing" someone who is not really bringing 100% "homemade" food when some Cluelessly Helpful person starts asking them ingredient-by-ingredient what is in their soup/casserole/stuffing/etc., and it is discovered that they made it by using several multi-ingredient things (cream of mushroom soup, stuffing mix, biscuit mix, etc.), combining them, and having that go pretty well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cooking that way, but the ingredient interrogation usually leaves them embarrassed and me unable to eat whatever it was due to the remaining ambiguity.

Third, I have some sort of non-allergy sensitivity to soy. The best way to explain it is that it's about like lactose intolerance, but for soy instead. It's particularly likely to be set off by margarine, which is mostly a problem when smug vegans try to "trick" you into eating vegan margarine instead of butter to "show you that you wouldn't miss dairy if you gave it up". (Yes, you can food my taste buds. No, you can't fool my intestines in a few hours. Thanks.) It's also a problem because a lot of people think of butter and margarine as so interchangeable that they really won't know which is in something. Soy is also in pretty much all processed foods (an exaggeration, but not much of one), so it's probably in whatever-it-is unless whoever was making it was deliberately avoiding it. It's also the most common meat substitute, so I am unlikely to be able to eat whatever the "vegetarian option" is. Like lactose intolerance, I can have a little bit, but I have to keep an eye on it and limit quantities.

I also have some trouble with raw onions, but that feels almost petty in comparison.

On the other hand, I can drink milk all day long without an upset stomach, so there's that. I can also eat gluten with impunity. (Being able to drink milk has bailed me out of a lot of situations in which it would otherwise be hard to get enough protein. I end up having a salad with no dressing and a glass of milk as a dinner in more situations than I would like, including the last time I had dinner in a dining car on a train.)

Ahh. Yep. My best advice would just be to say your not really hungry if it is brought up. I haven't run into people paying too much attention to me not eating at potlucks, but then again, I do try to find at least one item to graze on (even if it is only what I brought). Having a small plate with a little of your item might save you from those kind of observations. You don't need to eat it quickly (or at all, but do pick at it a little), but having a plate that has had/does have something on it may help keep those people at bay.

[Honest Tiefling]

Hah, I'm jealous, can't have gluten at all. Paprika seems like a doozy, however.

But don't have your hands empty, get some water or another safe drink in there. Can't get food, keeping hydrated! Or claim you're on a diet. Since I assume many desserts wouldn't be safe due to the possible presence of soy, you're not missing out on much.

[OACSNY97]

Hi-

After reading your previous post about your quest for a potluck dish you can eat and then seeing this post about all the dairy you consume, I thought about some of my favorite recipes. If it's not too 'Cluelessly Helpful' can you eat mushrooms? I love mushroom and cheese dishes and would be happy to share a couple of recipes if you would like.


P.S. Hope the potluck goes/went well.

Yeah, my plan is to eat before I go, and hope that people don't really notice that I'm not eating. I've just found that people pretty much always notice that you're not eating, particularly when you can't have any of the main course.

Spoiler: my food things

Show

[SNIP]

Second, I'm a vegetarian. I eat eggs and dairy, but haven't eaten meat for about a decade now and probably no longer have the stomach enzymes to digest it at this point. This means that I probably can't eat a main course at most "normal" food events, because it's probably made of meat. Many soups and sauces will use something like chicken stock in them, so I basically also can't eat most complicated sides without knowing what's in them, and most people are terrible about knowing what's actually in the food they bring. To make it worse, I usually accidentally end up "outing" someone who is not really bringing 100% "homemade" food when some Cluelessly Helpful person starts asking them ingredient-by-ingredient what is in their soup/casserole/stuffing/etc., and it is discovered that they made it by using several multi-ingredient things (cream of mushroom soup, stuffing mix, biscuit mix, etc.), combining them, and having that go pretty well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cooking that way, but the ingredient interrogation usually leaves them embarrassed and me unable to eat whatever it was due to the remaining ambiguity.

[SNIP]

I also have some trouble with raw onions, but that feels almost petty in comparison.

On the other hand, I can drink milk all day long without an upset stomach, so there's that. I can also eat gluten with impunity. (Being able to drink milk has bailed me out of a lot of situations in which it would otherwise be hard to get enough protein. I end up having a salad with no dressing and a glass of milk as a dinner in more situations than I would like, including the last time I had dinner in a dining car on a train.)

[Algeh]

Hi-

After reading your previous post about your quest for a potluck dish you can eat and then seeing this post about all the dairy you consume, I thought about some of my favorite recipes. If it's not too 'Cluelessly Helpful' can you eat mushrooms? I love mushroom and cheese dishes and would be happy to share a couple of recipes if you would like.


P.S. Hope the potluck goes/went well.

I can eat mushrooms, but in practice I don't tend to like them very much. I'm open to the idea that I might like them in some form or other, but I haven't found a mushroom I like yet. (I'll tolerate things like truffle oil fries back when those were a thing, but I don't like them as much as I like regular fries. I'll also sometimes try a mushroom-based gravy if there's a vegetarian soy-free bell-pepper-free one on offer wherever I happen to be, but I haven't met one that I like enough to make myself.)

Potluck update: It went pretty well! I ate nothing but a piece of the cornbread I brought and a single chocolate/filbert candy thing for dessert (soy content: undoubtedly a tiny bit of soy lecithin, which is why I only had one). It was the kind of event where everyone hangs out in the yard and mostly drinks rather than where everyone gathers for a sit-down meal, so it wasn't obvious that I wasn't eating much. Also, one of the other neighbors is gluten free, so I am not going to be the only "problem child" at neighborhood potlucks. (Extra bonus: my neighbors are drinkers! This may not sound like a bonus, but I teach their kid and it makes my life much easier if they aren't going to be upset every time they see me outside in my own yard with a beer for the next several years. I wasn't sure how conservative they were because their kid has one of those religious names that is both reasonably popular but also something that extremely conservative people choose, so I'd been a bit worried.)

[kgato503]

Potluck update: It went pretty well! I ate nothing but a piece of the cornbread I brought and a single chocolate/filbert candy thing for dessert (soy content: undoubtedly a tiny bit of soy lecithin, which is why I only had one). It was the kind of event where everyone hangs out in the yard and mostly drinks rather than where everyone gathers for a sit-down meal, so it wasn't obvious that I wasn't eating much. Also, one of the other neighbors is gluten free, so I am not going to be the only "problem child" at neighborhood potlucks. (Extra bonus: my neighbors are drinkers! This may not sound like a bonus, but I teach their kid and it makes my life much easier if they aren't going to be upset every time they see me outside in my own yard with a beer for the next several years. I wasn't sure how conservative they were because their kid has one of those religious names that is both reasonably popular but also something that extremely conservative people choose, so I'd been a bit worried.)

I'm glad it went well!

[dehro]

a late suggestion: next time bring a +1 with you.. one that can do the other dishes justice.. and have that person also bring a dish that's safe for you. That way you have at least 2 safe dishes and it's less conspicuous that you're sticking to your own stuff... also, they can help steering the conversation away from you should someone take notice of your limitations.

[Algeh]

a late suggestion: next time bring a +1 with you.. one that can do the other dishes justice.. and have that person also bring a dish that's safe for you. That way you have at least 2 safe dishes and it's less conspicuous that you're sticking to your own stuff... also, they can help steering the conversation away from you should someone take notice of your limitations.

If I had a +1 that would make many, many things in my life easier. However, I am now old enough that people think it's really weird if I bring my mother, and I haven't been in a relationship for quite a few years now, so I have neither a date nor a kid to bring to a neighborhood party. (I'd like to have both of those things, but completely lack the social skills needed to bring that about. That's a problem for a different thread and another time.) I have a good friend I used to bring to things as a +1, but eventually I realized that everyone assumed we were dating when I did that, and since I'd like to meet new people to date...

[OACSNY97]

Hi Algeh,

Happy to hear the potluck went well :) I wonder if you and the gluten-free neighbor could coordinate before the next potluck so each of you have two safe dishes.

Regarding mushrooms and your quest for a potluck friendly dish you can eat, I'm guessing my initial thought of 'mushroom casserole' is probably out. It's super easy- just sliced white or baby bella mushrooms layered in a casserole dish alternating with shredded mozzarella and Parmesan cheese but probably not what you're looking for. Still, what about a quiche? It's best either hot or cold but it eats fine at room temp so it should hold for an extended event. Besides, there's lots of quiche recipes out there including crust-less if you don't want to make your own crust and don't trust store bought to be soy-free.

Good luck

I can eat mushrooms, but in practice I don't tend to like them very much. I'm open to the idea that I might like them in some form or other, but I haven't found a mushroom I like yet. (I'll tolerate things like truffle oil fries back when those were a thing, but I don't like them as much as I like regular fries. I'll also sometimes try a mushroom-based gravy if there's a vegetarian soy-free bell-pepper-free one on offer wherever I happen to be, but I haven't met one that I like enough to make myself.)

Potluck update: It went pretty well! I ate nothing but a piece of the cornbread I brought and a single chocolate/filbert candy thing for dessert (soy content: undoubtedly a tiny bit of soy lecithin, which is why I only had one). It was the kind of event where everyone hangs out in the yard and mostly drinks rather than where everyone gathers for a sit-down meal, so it wasn't obvious that I wasn't eating much. Also, one of the other neighbors is gluten free, so I am not going to be the only "problem child" at neighborhood potlucks. (Extra bonus: my neighbors are drinkers! This may not sound like a bonus, but I teach their kid and it makes my life much easier if they aren't going to be upset every time they see me outside in my own yard with a beer for the next several years. I wasn't sure how conservative they were because their kid has one of those religious names that is both reasonably popular but also something that extremely conservative people choose, so I'd been a bit worried.)

[ArgentiAertheri]

If I had a +1 that would make many, many things in my life easier. However, I am now old enough that people think it's really weird if I bring my mother, and I haven't been in a relationship for quite a few years now, so I have neither a date nor a kid to bring to a neighborhood party. (I'd like to have both of those things, but completely lack the social skills needed to bring that about. That's a problem for a different thread and another time.) I have a good friend I used to bring to things as a +1, but eventually I realized that everyone assumed we were dating when I did that, and since I'd like to meet new people to date...

Bring your mum! I'm 33 and she's my default +1 because she likes getting out and, oh look, food?? Granted, we're Italian and so much as thinking about food around her will get you fed.