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  1. - Top - End - #931
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    So, I have been having trouble with my Ex-Girlfriend.

    For context: We met via a friend-circle, people that I still interact and am friends with. I also play PnP with some of them, and I'm also involved in Roleplaying on World of Warcraft with almost all of them.

    After I broke up with my GF due to cheating, I called all contact with her off and made it a point to avoid and ignore her completely. Back then, people understood. Far as I know, they just interacted with the two of us seperately outside of the games. And inside at least WoW, everything worked out fine, since I've never had a problem seperating people from their characters.

    Thing is, this was 5 years ago. And recently she has made attempts to "rebuild the bridge" so to speak, so we can be "Friends" at least. The trouble is, I dont want to. Like, at all. If I never see or hear from her again, that'll still be 3 days too early. And a lot of our shared friendcircle has gotten it into their heads to support that idea. So far they tried muscling us into a pnp group together, or constantly drawing her into discord when I'm around, and other fun stuff like this.

    I'm gonna be honest with you here, after trying to explain myself in a civil manner which didnt work, I've reacted mostly very hostile to this. Any prolonged attempt of hers at talking to me will earn her insults. I will leave channels when she enters, I'll abandon conversations midway if shes suddenly around. I just thought making enough of an angry face at this will convince people that no, I do not care for a person that turned me into a sobbing trainwreck for almost a month and more. But we've reached a point where people are putting their foot down, and are saying that I should either get over it, or just not hang with them anymore.

    And I am seriously considering taking the latter part of that offer and just abandoning most of the people in said friendcircle. The ones that I do really care about have been taking my side, and I can jsut hang with them seperately. On a less happy note, it would mean taking two characters out of Roleplay that I really like, and would also kill one of my PnP groups since there's a 50/50 split on the matter there.
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  2. - Top - End - #932
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Stuebi View Post
    And I am seriously considering taking the latter part of that offer and just abandoning most of the people in said friendcircle. The ones that I do really care about have been taking my side, and I can jsut hang with them seperately. On a less happy note, it would mean taking two characters out of Roleplay that I really like, and would also kill one of my PnP groups since there's a 50/50 split on the matter there.
    sounds like your decision is made.
    Groups and role playing characters can be rebuilt or replaced. It's a necessary sacrifice. After all, you're asking your friends to sacrifice something too (and in the real world, at that), it seems only fair that you share that burden.
    Your only alternative is to learn to be civil around her whilst staying consistent in telling her you're not interested in reconnecting.
    Whilst I completely understand cutting ties with someone who's toxic to you, there comes a point where you must ask yourself whether it's worth holding on to a grudge for so long and what you get from it. Letting go is an option, and the reasons for not doing that merit some soul-searching.. is it wounded pride? is it genuine hurt that still nags you? do you fear you might fall for her again? is it something you can cut out of your life? If your decision stands, and that's completely legit, can you learn to be ok with her mere presence? if not, well.. cut her out and the friends that insist on making you hang out with her. They shouldn't be forced into leaving what, to them, is a good friend behind, but neither do they get to tell you she should be your friend too, not even for their sake, if you're unwilling.
    If that's the case, it's on you to take a step back from them until they learn the boundaries, which brings me back to the beginning of my reply. Either way, until you learn to get over it (and in time you're bound to, whether you accept that now or not) it's your burden to bear, as is the burden of being responsible for breaking up a group.
    Last edited by dehro; 2018-06-12 at 03:34 AM.
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  3. - Top - End - #933
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    So where am I? Long story short I'm attending group therapy. My first meeting is tomorrow at 9 for a few hours. I'm still living with my mother, and (again long story short) I've gotten nowhere with APS.

    My mother is actually the one who set this up. I've been self-harming for awhile now, and she thinks this will help me. I've tried the whole group therapy thing before (and also I guess one-on-one therapy if that's the word). I've also in a group setting for therapy. I've vent about my mother and how I wished to get away from her. No success there.

    I'm not sure what's gonna happen. I don't think I can participate in group and not discuss my problems with my mother, but I fear word of this would get back to my mother and nothing will happen.

    So yeah...there's that.

  4. - Top - End - #934
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Some Android View Post
    So where am I? Long story short I'm attending group therapy. My first meeting is tomorrow at 9 for a few hours. I'm still living with my mother, and (again long story short) I've gotten nowhere with APS.

    My mother is actually the one who set this up. I've been self-harming for awhile now, and she thinks this will help me. I've tried the whole group therapy thing before (and also I guess one-on-one therapy if that's the word). I've also in a group setting for therapy. I've vent about my mother and how I wished to get away from her. No success there.

    I'm not sure what's gonna happen. I don't think I can participate in group and not discuss my problems with my mother, but I fear word of this would get back to my mother and nothing will happen.

    So yeah...there's that.
    Don't know if you saw it upthread, but if you have a local St. Vincent's society they may be able to help.

    Ultimately, you'll probably have to just...leave. I know that sound scary. But it'll be a lot easier to help out if you're on your own. It's unfortunate, but a lot of places don't take emotional or financial abuse that seriously.

    From what I know, it's going to be a lot harder to apply for any assistance while you're with your mom. A lot of programs will want to count your mom's income when determining your needs - especially if she can claim you as a dependent, you may not be able to apply on your own.

    You should however be able to change your social security check to your own name. I'd start there.
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  5. - Top - End - #935
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    sounds like your decision is made.
    Groups and role playing characters can be rebuilt or replaced. It's a necessary sacrifice. After all, you're asking your friends to sacrifice something too (and in the real world, at that), it seems only fair that you share that burden.
    Your only alternative is to learn to be civil around her whilst staying consistent in telling her you're not interested in reconnecting.
    Whilst I completely understand cutting ties with someone who's toxic to you, there comes a point where you must ask yourself whether it's worth holding on to a grudge for so long and what you get from it. Letting go is an option, and the reasons for not doing that merit some soul-searching.. is it wounded pride? is it genuine hurt that still nags you? do you fear you might fall for her again? is it something you can cut out of your life? If your decision stands, and that's completely legit, can you learn to be ok with her mere presence? if not, well.. cut her out and the friends that insist on making you hang out with her. They shouldn't be forced into leaving what, to them, is a good friend behind, but neither do they get to tell you she should be your friend too, not even for their sake, if you're unwilling.
    If that's the case, it's on you to take a step back from them until they learn the boundaries, which brings me back to the beginning of my reply. Either way, until you learn to get over it (and in time you're bound to, whether you accept that now or not) it's your burden to bear, as is the burden of being responsible for breaking up a group.
    Thank you for the comment. I was able to resolve the issues with the PnP group and we will keep on playing. Had a conversation with them where I talked about my feelings on the issue, and that I would be dissapointed if we had to split the group up. Ended well, they got me and I got them at the end and this should turn out fine moving forward.

    Concerning the other stuff, I've taken my two Characters out of RP and dropped out of the relevant Discord Servers. Which caused some backlash along the lines of "You're being childish.", it got hostile and I will probably stop talking to some of them for a time until everybody calmed back down. Ex-GF also tried to contact me once more for a "Talk", because appearantly she feels bad for the whole deal. I'm not sure wether or not I'm gonna actually take her up on it.

    As far as your point on "soul-searching" goes, I honestly cant tell you what specific thing it is, that prevents a cease-fire here. It's not that I'm afraid of attraction, because I feel basically the polar opposite of that. It's not like because it "hurts" having her around, on an emotional level. It's just a person that went from "I really like you." to "Get out of my life I hate you.", and this hasnt changed over those 5 years. Part of it was probably also her initial attempt at interacting with me. It had this undertone "It's been 5 years, so I'm just gonna reinsert myself into your life, mkay?", which is a vibe that I don't really consider acceptable in this kind of situation.
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  6. - Top - End - #936
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    This is more musing than anything, but I'm just...tallying my mental health experiences:

    - I've had a psychiatrist keep upping a medication dosage because my symptoms weren't responding (I was young for this one). When I started expressing suicidal ideation, he told my parents to ignore it.

    - I've had a psychologist completely ignore my own report of being sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend, while discussing my "paranoia" and avoiding people I was formerly close to. I've had the same psychologist repeatedly threaten to kick me out of school or even call the cops because I didn't trust him and I needed to trust him.

    - I've had a psychiatrist use my having had a female partner in college as evidence of acting out sexually as a support for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. There was no further information given on the relationship and I had disclosed that I had had 2 relationships in my entire life at 29. No other questions about my sexuality or past were asked.

    - I've had a therapist, when I was an adult, say she had to immediately tell my family about any self-harming behavior no matter what, even if I wasn't doing any lasting harm and I said repeatedly that my family's involvement would be extremely detrimental. (The last bit is the important bit, really.) She also stated she had never dealt with self-harm before and from her behavior was clearly repulsed by it.

    - I've ended up sitting by the side of the road crying and unable to get myself home after the therapist abruptly ended a session that was very difficult, and after being told I "wasn't ready to get better" because I said what she was telling me didn't make any sense.

    - I've had more than one push CBT on me and then dodge or refuse to answer questions on the difference between a distortion and a plain old out-there situation.

    These are all separate individuals, and all were properly licensed. I don't get it.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2018-06-14 at 04:58 PM.
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  7. - Top - End - #937
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    Griffon

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    These are all separate individuals, and all were properly licensed. I don't get it.
    Psychologists are people.

    The best can be excellent, but everybody has bad days, and judging new people correctly is difficult.
    The end of what Son? The story? There is no end. There's just the point where the storytellers stop talking.

  8. - Top - End - #938
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by halfeye View Post
    Psychologists are people.

    The best can be excellent, but everybody has bad days, and judging new people correctly is difficult.
    No, I get that, I'm just...wondering how I find all of them.
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  9. - Top - End - #939
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    have you tried talking with a psychologist referred to you by or working with one of those organisations that specifically deal with abuse and its aftermath? I'm guessing they should be better equipped to deal with certain topics
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  10. - Top - End - #940
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    No, I get that, I'm just...wondering how I find all of them.
    You do seem to have a talent for it, but I've had quite a few struggles too so I don't think you've found all of them quite yet unless you're also in my metro area. I think some (but not all) of it is a "fit" issue, where certain kinds of people become therapists, and they're best at helping the kind of people that they understand the best, and not very helpful with people who don't fit that pattern as well.

    My therapy stories aren't as extreme as yours, but I've had a lot of poor experiences as well, and I've recently come to suspect that the root of the problem is that people like me don't become therapists, so therapists don't have a lot of direct insight into people like me. (I mostly came to this theory because I'm a teacher, and I certainly seem to have an easier time working with the students who get "stuck" in math in similar ways to the way I did, because I can see what's going on more clearly. I got few of those specific skills from teacher school or on-going professional development, but they're what intuitively work pretty well with the specific kids they work well with, even if they're not the right tactics with other students. I would not be surprised to learn that therapists have similar strengths and weaknesses.)

    I think my recent "favorite" therapist moment was when one of them put in his evaluation summary that he sent off to my main doctor that I "dressed inappropriately for the weather" because I saw him in summer yet was always wearing long-sleeved shirts. My regular doctor knows that I have a family history of skin cancer and a dislike of sunscreen, so always wear lightweight UV-blocking shirts when it's too warm for normal long-sleeved ones, along with a big floppy hat. (I even have UV-blocking swimwear.) He never asked me what I was wearing or why, just decided wearing long sleeves in the summer meant I wasn't properly aware of my surroundings or something. (My regular doctor was not impressed with his report, and cited this as one of the reasons why. She's retiring this month, and I'm really going to miss her.)

    I don't have any good insight into how to find a therapist that will work out better, though. I wish I did.
    Last edited by Algeh; 2018-06-15 at 09:36 PM. Reason: tyoppoes

  11. - Top - End - #941
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Still, some of those aren't even fit issues. I could maybe see it with some. But, say...there is zero reason why my having had a girlfriend (the bare fact of having had one) should ever be considered a symptom of anything at all. No matter what your training is.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2018-06-15 at 07:01 AM.
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  12. - Top - End - #942
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Still, some of those aren't even fit issues. I could maybe see it with some. But, say...there is zero reason why my having had a girlfriend (the bare fact of having had one) should ever be considered a symptom of anything at all. No matter what your training is.
    Hey WarKitty. I miss chatting about the odd things your brain does.

    Some people have mental health issues that don't respond to therapy. What would it take to falsify the hypothesis "WarKitty's mental health is going to improve with the right therapy"?

    If you know what the terrible therapist would have said to you if they were a good therapist, then a good therapist would be redundant. You'd have to find a better-than-good therapist to be sure that your illness was therapy-resistant. But then how would you free yourself from the nagging possibility that there was an even better therapist out there who might fix it?

    On a cosmic scale there are no mentally healthy people and no-one "recovers" from mental illness. We all get to that point where the therapists available to us right now, given our income and location, aren't capable of improving us any further, and then we give up and work on other projects. When you hear of celebrities who die by suicide, your first thought isn't "their therapist mustn't have been very good". Their therapist was probably one of the best in the world, it's just that therapy predicts 10% of the variation in how our week is going and mental illness predicts 90%.
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  13. - Top - End - #943
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Hazyshade View Post
    Hey WarKitty. I miss chatting about the odd things your brain does.

    Some people have mental health issues that don't respond to therapy. What would it take to falsify the hypothesis "WarKitty's mental health is going to improve with the right therapy"?

    If you know what the terrible therapist would have said to you if they were a good therapist, then a good therapist would be redundant. You'd have to find a better-than-good therapist to be sure that your illness was therapy-resistant. But then how would you free yourself from the nagging possibility that there was an even better therapist out there who might fix it?

    On a cosmic scale there are no mentally healthy people and no-one "recovers" from mental illness. We all get to that point where the therapists available to us right now, given our income and location, aren't capable of improving us any further, and then we give up and work on other projects. When you hear of celebrities who die by suicide, your first thought isn't "their therapist mustn't have been very good". Their therapist was probably one of the best in the world, it's just that therapy predicts 10% of the variation in how our week is going and mental illness predicts 90%.
    Hah. I actually ended up taking a much more functional approach to a lot of things, mostly based on internet readings. It did end up working out well enough. A lot of the approach I ended up taking was much more "is X behavior useful in Y situation." So for example, completely forget about the idea of cognitive distortions and whether a thought was representative of mental illness or not. Ask "is this a situation where I can fix something?" If yes, figure out what the fix is and the cost of implementing it. If no, don't worry about it because you can't do anything anyway.

    Spoiler: Trigger warning for self-harm
    Show

    I was looking back at the coping strategies they give people for self-harm, and I was thinking literally none of them would have worked for me as a teenager. They're strategies for adults, or for kids who have supportive families. They're not strategies for kids in families like mine that deny the need for emotional coping in the first place. My family's attitude was very much that there was nothing wrong, I just had an attitude problem. So any use of coping strategies would have been interpreted as defiance. Their solution was that I could talk to them and we'd work on things together, but that never actually worked and I was always told it was my fault it didn't work.

    I kind of wish I could go back and ask a therapist what the mentally healthy option would have been there.
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  14. - Top - End - #944
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    Spoiler: Trigger Warning: Suicide
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    Hello again. I am alive. A week and a half ago I drove into a tree. I had been thinking about it for a long time. I survived, and ultimately I was extremely lucky to have done so with relatively light injuries. The passenger side was smashed and before long the car caught on fire and burnt to a crisp. If I had been slightly to the left or if nobody had happened by right then I would have died. Instead all I have is a shattered femur which is healing. Been home for almost a week, still using a walker to get around. But I am alive.

    I have complicated feelings about this. Because I feel lucky and want things to get better. I plan to be honest with family and try to really trust them instead of hiding. But a part of me wishes I would have just died. And I still see no reason to think my life will ever really get better. Things will change, but I will always be alone.

    Things to do going forward. At some point I should start volunteering at the local animal shelter again when I can walk unaided. Maybe I can actually start looking for a job instead of half humoring my sister. And I need to actually research and write the final paper. Might change the topic because I have nothing written and the books I had burnt up. I also should try and write another paper after talking to the professor to try and clear off another incomplete.

  15. - Top - End - #945
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I was doing a little life review lately. By pretty much any account, Iíve had a mess of a life. I had my first suicide plan at age 8. I was likely depressed as a teen, but I never really was allowed to talk to anyone without my mom there, and sheíd have just gotten mad. I dealt with an abusive relationship in college exacerbated by some frankly sexist teachings Ė and followed by some extremely terrible mental health treatment that didnít do anything to help. 4 years ago I was only saved from homelessness because a friend let me stay in their spare room while I recovered from a rather treatment resistant case of mental illness. A year ago I was staying with emotionally abusive family. 6 months ago I took a jump on a cheap apartment not knowing how it would work out.

    And you know what? I just turned 30 a few months back. I donít have the best job ever, but Iím making it. Iím in my own apartment wishing a happy adoptionversary to a beautiful little snuggle of a cat. Itís a mess, and itís going to take a bit of work to get everything organized (and a lot of donating things), but itís doable. Iím setting up to go back to school in the fall and get a better degree. I didnít think Iíd get here.

    If you asked me about 4 years ago, things were hopeless and I didn't think they could ever be better.
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  16. - Top - End - #946
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Spoiler: Trigger warning for self-harm
    Show

    I was looking back at the coping strategies they give people for self-harm, and I was thinking literally none of them would have worked for me as a teenager. They're strategies for adults, or for kids who have supportive families. They're not strategies for kids in families like mine that deny the need for emotional coping in the first place. My family's attitude was very much that there was nothing wrong, I just had an attitude problem. So any use of coping strategies would have been interpreted as defiance. Their solution was that I could talk to them and we'd work on things together, but that never actually worked and I was always told it was my fault it didn't work.

    I kind of wish I could go back and ask a therapist what the mentally healthy option would have been there.
    Spoiler: TRIGGER: I've been there too.
    Show
    I've been in situations where I've harmed myself too. I haven't found coping strategies that feel all that useful, the best I've ever gotten is learning that I'm not the only one that's ever felt that way. I feel a little ridiculous for even mentioning it, but have you read My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness? I only bring it up because it made me feel a lot better about my own mental issues after reading someone else go through something similar. The author self-harmed too, and she wasn't able to talk to her family about her mental health struggles either. In fact a big part of what gave her those complexes and issues is the expectations her family placed on her.


    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Spoiler: Trigger Warning: Suicide
    Show
    Hello again. I am alive. A week and a half ago I drove into a tree. I had been thinking about it for a long time. I survived, and ultimately I was extremely lucky to have done so with relatively light injuries. The passenger side was smashed and before long the car caught on fire and burnt to a crisp. If I had been slightly to the left or if nobody had happened by right then I would have died. Instead all I have is a shattered femur which is healing. Been home for almost a week, still using a walker to get around. But I am alive.

    I have complicated feelings about this. Because I feel lucky and want things to get better. I plan to be honest with family and try to really trust them instead of hiding. But a part of me wishes I would have just died. And I still see no reason to think my life will ever really get better. Things will change, but I will always be alone.

    Things to do going forward. At some point I should start volunteering at the local animal shelter again when I can walk unaided. Maybe I can actually start looking for a job instead of half humoring my sister. And I need to actually research and write the final paper. Might change the topic because I have nothing written and the books I had burnt up. I also should try and write another paper after talking to the professor to try and clear off another incomplete.
    Spoiler: TRIGGER: This place is dark, but it seems familiar
    Show
    As long as you're up front with your professor, it probably won't be a problem. I mean, unless it's that one professor, right?

    In seriousness I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you and I hope you're OK soon. I also very emphatically encourage you to start volunteering at the animal shelter, especially if you've been feeling lonely.

    I'm sorry if this is going into too much detail, but I've felt alone for a long time too. There have also been moments where I wanted to die. Like when walking along a bridge an contemplating throwing myself off of it, or crossing the street and wishing that a truck hit me. I think I felt this way because I felt like I wasn't wanted or needed anywhere. Most people I knew just seemed bored and mildly frustrated when I was around. What having a volunteer job offered me was the experience of people actually being happy to see me and glad that I would stick around to help. Honestly, it did wonders for my will to live, having something good to look forward to in an otherwise fairly morose existence.

    Maybe volunteering at the animal shelter can help you in the same way it helped me? If nothing else, I hope that it does.


    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    I was doing a little life review lately. By pretty much any account, Iíve had a mess of a life. I had my first suicide plan at age 8. I was likely depressed as a teen, but I never really was allowed to talk to anyone without my mom there, and sheíd have just gotten mad. I dealt with an abusive relationship in college exacerbated by some frankly sexist teachings Ė and followed by some extremely terrible mental health treatment that didnít do anything to help. 4 years ago I was only saved from homelessness because a friend let me stay in their spare room while I recovered from a rather treatment resistant case of mental illness. A year ago I was staying with emotionally abusive family. 6 months ago I took a jump on a cheap apartment not knowing how it would work out.

    And you know what? I just turned 30 a few months back. I donít have the best job ever, but Iím making it. Iím in my own apartment wishing a happy adoptionversary to a beautiful little snuggle of a cat. Itís a mess, and itís going to take a bit of work to get everything organized (and a lot of donating things), but itís doable. Iím setting up to go back to school in the fall and get a better degree. I didnít think Iíd get here.

    If you asked me about 4 years ago, things were hopeless and I didn't think they could ever be better.
    Thanks for sharing, I'm happy for you. Really and truly. I am actually crying.
    Last edited by The Fury; 2018-06-16 at 10:10 PM.
    Iop brain.

  17. - Top - End - #947
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    I was doing a little life review lately. By pretty much any account, Iíve had a mess of a life. I had my first suicide plan at age 8. I was likely depressed as a teen, but I never really was allowed to talk to anyone without my mom there, and sheíd have just gotten mad. I dealt with an abusive relationship in college exacerbated by some frankly sexist teachings Ė and followed by some extremely terrible mental health treatment that didnít do anything to help. 4 years ago I was only saved from homelessness because a friend let me stay in their spare room while I recovered from a rather treatment resistant case of mental illness. A year ago I was staying with emotionally abusive family. 6 months ago I took a jump on a cheap apartment not knowing how it would work out.

    And you know what? I just turned 30 a few months back. I donít have the best job ever, but Iím making it. Iím in my own apartment wishing a happy adoptionversary to a beautiful little snuggle of a cat. Itís a mess, and itís going to take a bit of work to get everything organized (and a lot of donating things), but itís doable. Iím setting up to go back to school in the fall and get a better degree. I didnít think Iíd get here.

    If you asked me about 4 years ago, things were hopeless and I didn't think they could ever be better.
    That is wonderful to hear, Kitty.
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  18. - Top - End - #948
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    [QUOTE=The Fury;23156152]
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    I've been in situations where I've harmed myself too. I haven't found coping strategies that feel all that useful, the best I've ever gotten is learning that I'm not the only one that's ever felt that way. I feel a little ridiculous for even mentioning it, but have you read My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness? I only bring it up because it made me feel a lot better about my own mental issues after reading someone else go through something similar. The author self-harmed too, and she wasn't able to talk to her family about her mental health struggles either. In fact a big part of what gave her those complexes and issues is the expectations her family placed on her.


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    Honestly I'm more musing than anything. I find certain strategies help now. But I'm an adult, and that means I have a much greater ability to remove myself from situations, or to select coping strategies and not be questioned on why I'm doing them. That's not an option I had as a kid. Really a lot of getting past it for me was simply realizing that I could have normal emotional reactions and work to get myself out of bad situations, and that wasn't something I was going to get in trouble for.
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  19. - Top - End - #949
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
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    Honestly I'm more musing than anything. I find certain strategies help now. But I'm an adult, and that means I have a much greater ability to remove myself from situations, or to select coping strategies and not be questioned on why I'm doing them. That's not an option I had as a kid. Really a lot of getting past it for me was simply realizing that I could have normal emotional reactions and work to get myself out of bad situations, and that wasn't something I was going to get in trouble for.
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    Sorry that I got that wrong then. I guess I have a tendency to project my own issues onto other people. I'd like to be better but I still have no idea how, and I'm sorry in advance for the inevitable times that I will screw up again.

    As for myself, the only coping method that I had for years was to just cram whatever bad feelings I was having into some vacant corner of my skull. Naturally they just accumulated and got worse as time went on, though I got pretty good at hiding my emotions.
    Iop brain.

  20. - Top - End - #950
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by The Fury View Post
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    As long as you're up front with your professor, it probably won't be a problem. I mean, unless it's that one professor, right?

    In seriousness I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you and I hope you're OK soon. I also very emphatically encourage you to start volunteering at the animal shelter, especially if you've been feeling lonely.

    I'm sorry if this is going into too much detail, but I've felt alone for a long time too. There have also been moments where I wanted to die. Like when walking along a bridge an contemplating throwing myself off of it, or crossing the street and wishing that a truck hit me. I think I felt this way because I felt like I wasn't wanted or needed anywhere. Most people I knew just seemed bored and mildly frustrated when I was around. What having a volunteer job offered me was the experience of people actually being happy to see me and glad that I would stick around to help. Honestly, it did wonders for my will to live, having something good to look forward to in an otherwise fairly morose existence.

    Maybe volunteering at the animal shelter can help you in the same way it helped me? If nothing else, I hope that it does.
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    For the practical stuff. The papers and volunteering. I like the professor, he is pretty nice and I think he will understand, I sent him a message but it didn't straight up and say what happened. The volunteering will start again when it starts again. I got along well with one of the other volunteers on the main floor cleaning. A lot of stuff I just need to wait before I can start again. The recovery process seems weird to me. Mostly I am waiting as it sort of heals up and I get more used to the pain. Staples come out on Wednesday

    Yeah your experience sounds really familiar. Just, certain thoughts that don't go away. And then you think about them, usually doing nothing except maybe stepping a bit closer and really wondering if you can go through with it. It isn't a pleasant state of mind. If you ever feel overwhelmed, like life has fallen apart. Don't hide it from everyone else. That is what I did, and when I couldn't hide things any longer I tried to escape.
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  21. - Top - End - #951
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
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    For the practical stuff. The papers and volunteering. I like the professor, he is pretty nice and I think he will understand, I sent him a message but it didn't straight up and say what happened. The volunteering will start again when it starts again. I got along well with one of the other volunteers on the main floor cleaning. A lot of stuff I just need to wait before I can start again. The recovery process seems weird to me. Mostly I am waiting as it sort of heals up and I get more used to the pain. Staples come out on Wednesday

    Yeah your experience sounds really familiar. Just, certain thoughts that don't go away. And then you think about them, usually doing nothing except maybe stepping a bit closer and really wondering if you can go through with it. It isn't a pleasant state of mind. If you ever feel overwhelmed, like life has fallen apart. Don't hide it from everyone else. That is what I did, and when I couldn't hide things any longer I tried to escape.
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    As for the papers and volunteering, I'm glad that it seems like they'll work out OK.

    Everything else, I'm not going to lie, I hide things like that all the time. I've only ever shared my thoughts of suicide with a handful of people, most of them were councilors I was seeing. I guess I also shared it with everyone that read this post, but the anonymity of the internet makes sharing some things a little easier. The people I know in real life though... I hide it from them all the time. I'll admit that it's unhealthy, if you can find someone that you're comfortable sharing these kinds of thoughts with then you're either much luckier or much braver than me.
    Iop brain.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    As far as the previous conversation...I didn't post how much better things had gotten for me so y'all could go "yay kitty!"

    I posted it because it really does fade, eventually. It took a LONG time, and it's not like the depressing thoughts are completely gone. But they don't come as often and they tend to fade faster.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    As far as the previous conversation...I didn't post how much better things had gotten for me so y'all could go "yay kitty!"

    I posted it because it really does fade, eventually. It took a LONG time, and it's not like the depressing thoughts are completely gone. But they don't come as often and they tend to fade faster.
    Everybody knows you need a healthy amount of criticism for what you get wrong. But something people tend to forget is that you also need praise for what you get right.

    You might still have problems, yes, we all have problems. Happiness fades a lot faster than misery, yes. But here's the thing: you were saying for literally years that you were in a bad spot and didn't know what to do. You got out of the bad spot. That is a very VERY good thing.
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  24. - Top - End - #954
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    As far as the previous conversation...I didn't post how much better things had gotten for me so y'all could go "yay kitty!"

    I posted it because it really does fade, eventually. It took a LONG time, and it's not like the depressing thoughts are completely gone. But they don't come as often and they tend to fade faster.
    I think that's what literally moved me to tears. The notion that things aren't completely hopeless as much as they feel like they are.

    Maybe it's selfish of me to think it, but I feel less hopeless after you shared what you did. It's like you said, the hopelessness is still there, it hurts a little less.
    Iop brain.

  25. - Top - End - #955
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    Everybody knows you need a healthy amount of criticism for what you get wrong. But something people tend to forget is that you also need praise for what you get right.

    You might still have problems, yes, we all have problems. Happiness fades a lot faster than misery, yes. But here's the thing: you were saying for literally years that you were in a bad spot and didn't know what to do. You got out of the bad spot. That is a very VERY good thing.
    Heh. I wasn't saying I won't take it.

    I'm just saying - I went from a situation where it seemed like things would absolutely never get better. And it did, in fact, get better. And I want to tell a lot of people here that it actually does happen, and maybe it's a little more real when it's someone you've seen around here go through things.
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  26. - Top - End - #956
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    I think I understand where the Fury comes from.. some of us who have been here long enough have seen several personal stories develop. Some have fallen by the wayside others have shown themselves to be in an unending cycle of repeating anguish and frustrations. Your tale is one of those that demonstrate that there's hope to be found, on this forum and in life. Things can and do get better.
    That's uplifting and emotionally rewarding, if that's the right word... both in the sense of having invested time and thoughts and crossing fingers for, ultimately, others like us, and, to a minor extent, the sense of having maybe contributed a little, when possible, to keeping that hope alive... And seeing it kept alive for us as well.

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  27. - Top - End - #957
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    That's uplifting and emotionally rewarding, if that's the right word... both in the sense of having invested time and thoughts and crossing fingers for, ultimately, others like us, and, to a minor extent, the sense of having maybe contributed a little, when possible, to keeping that hope alive... And seeing it kept alive for us as well.
    Heh. I think I like the way you put it better than the way I did.
    Iop brain.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Not really an "advice" issue, because I can't do a lot about it, but I feel like I need to vent about work...
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    I'm generally pretty happy in my job and enjoy the work but the office politics are becoming a problem. The senior partner in my team, who recruited me, recently retired and was replaced by one of the other partners who doesn't know a great deal about our area of work.

    The junior partner in our department puts on a good show but is borderline dangerously incompetent. It feels like we're marking days until one of his clients sues us. He's reluctant to do any work at all and when he does it is usually of a low standard. He's also started poaching work from other members of the department even when they're not in areas he should be practising in at all. He seems to make a terrible mess of everything he touches and I'm actually a bit worried that when I go off for a couple of weeks he'll take over some of my files and screw them up.

    Everyone else in the department - including the secretaries - is aware of this but nothing seems to be being done about it. He and the senior partner were apparently friends before his arrival, although the senior partner is (or at least says he is) aware of his limitations. But then again because he doesn't really know what we do, he tends to leave us to get on with it and only becomes involved when things go wrong, by which point it's too late. Even when you can identify problems on his files in advance there's usually no smoking gun because it's a question of what's not there rather than what is, so you have to know what you're looking for to identify the issue: I can, and my immediately senior colleagues can, but nobody at a top level in the firm really has the capability now.

    I'm a pretty junior member of the department and don't want to cause any fuss because I'm applying internally for opportunities for training and promotion and don't want to appear a troublemaker or prima donna. I have only just got my feet under the table at the firm and can't easily leave for somewhere else any time soon - and don't really want to unless I have to. I actually have a good personal relationship with everyone in the team (including him) but there is nevertheless a widening gulf of frustration between him and everyone else.

    On the other hand, there is a growing danger that if things don't change, the two senior associates in the department - who are very competent and supportive of me - will leave for somewhere else and I won't have their experience to draw on. There's also the risk of being caught up in the mess of one of the junior partner's files and I don't trust him not to throw me under the bus even when it's his fault.


    I don't like office politics and hope to keep my head down until I have a position of greater security but it's increasingly hard not to get drawn in as things go on.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Hello again, my recovery process goes on. If you don't know I have a shattered femur. Surgery happened two weeks ago and I am walking much better. Still with a walker but I could be a bit more mobile if it wasn't for a mysterious pain in my calf... Which unfortunately turns out to be a pair of clots. So that is another annoyance. Bloodthinners and elevated legs for me.

    Also I am working on something slightly amusing about doctors. I'll share it when it is ready.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Aedilred View Post
    Not really an "advice" issue, because I can't do a lot about it, but I feel like I need to vent about work...
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    I'm generally pretty happy in my job and enjoy the work but the office politics are becoming a problem. The senior partner in my team, who recruited me, recently retired and was replaced by one of the other partners who doesn't know a great deal about our area of work.

    The junior partner in our department puts on a good show but is borderline dangerously incompetent. It feels like we're marking days until one of his clients sues us. He's reluctant to do any work at all and when he does it is usually of a low standard. He's also started poaching work from other members of the department even when they're not in areas he should be practising in at all. He seems to make a terrible mess of everything he touches and I'm actually a bit worried that when I go off for a couple of weeks he'll take over some of my files and screw them up.

    Everyone else in the department - including the secretaries - is aware of this but nothing seems to be being done about it. He and the senior partner were apparently friends before his arrival, although the senior partner is (or at least says he is) aware of his limitations. But then again because he doesn't really know what we do, he tends to leave us to get on with it and only becomes involved when things go wrong, by which point it's too late. Even when you can identify problems on his files in advance there's usually no smoking gun because it's a question of what's not there rather than what is, so you have to know what you're looking for to identify the issue: I can, and my immediately senior colleagues can, but nobody at a top level in the firm really has the capability now.

    I'm a pretty junior member of the department and don't want to cause any fuss because I'm applying internally for opportunities for training and promotion and don't want to appear a troublemaker or prima donna. I have only just got my feet under the table at the firm and can't easily leave for somewhere else any time soon - and don't really want to unless I have to. I actually have a good personal relationship with everyone in the team (including him) but there is nevertheless a widening gulf of frustration between him and everyone else.

    On the other hand, there is a growing danger that if things don't change, the two senior associates in the department - who are very competent and supportive of me - will leave for somewhere else and I won't have their experience to draw on. There's also the risk of being caught up in the mess of one of the junior partner's files and I don't trust him not to throw me under the bus even when it's his fault.


    I don't like office politics and hope to keep my head down until I have a position of greater security but it's increasingly hard not to get drawn in as things go on.
    What profession are you in?

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