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Thread: Personal Woes and Advice 5
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2019-04-05, 01:00 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2010
- Location
- Its Complicated
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
What in the world does cosplay have to do with this?
-a former cosplayer-
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2019-04-05, 01:12 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
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2019-04-05, 02:45 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
Take the kid in, write a book about it, make a movie from it, become super rich. I'll take 10% for giving you the idea.
On a more serious note... how happy are you with your current lifestyle. Is it something you cherish to the point of wanting to keep it up forever or do you want other things in life beyond that? If so, maybe this is a good trigger to start changing things up. There's a lot of merit with helping others out, whether it's social merit of a warm fuzzy feeling of having done something worthwile.
Now.. if you're really attached to your lifestyle and set in your ways to the point that you don't want or feel you can't renounce it (the latter is very debatable, you'd be surprised at what you can get used to), then stay away from this whole situation. Throwing money at it from afar is going to cause trouble with whoever is actually taking care of this kid and would be spending/handling that money. A boarding school could either be a blessing or a horrible place for the kid (and that's before anyone there actually knows how bad he's having it..I can think of very few things as cruel as children who know your mother is institutionalised and have little adult supervision stopping them from reminding you of it). It's really a toss up... an a long term commitment as well.. Those places are expensive and yes, you can afford it now.. but can you guarantee you'll be able to in 3-5 years, should things not have changed with his mum? Giving him a chance at finding some stability in a detached context and then ripping him out of it after a year or two might do even more damage than the notion of him having to already face his situation all alone removed from family in the first place.
So if you don't really care about the situation, and love your current lifestyle too much, stay away rather than compounding the damage.
If you feel compassion and want to help, then do it properly. Mixing money issues with members of family who already are struggling and have expressed that they can't or won't take care of the kid is not a viable solution.
As someone who's been looking for a job for the best part of a year, I know I would still try to do right by this kid, and together with my partner I could probably afford it..but I'm not sure I have the headspace right now to wake up in the middle of the night to a sobbing child who misses his parents and may have peed the bed out of sheer frustration... or to give it the attention it necessarily craves for. You don't just take a child in and feed him/take him to school... you have a duty of care, affection, help, dialogue... Now, you are under no specific obbligations in that respect, and the kid should count himself lucky that there's anyone who cares at all, but still...
As for the clash between your lifestyle and that of a child... you can always have an off limits room (your bedroom?) where the kid is not allowed in and where you can do your thing. Other than that, I'm pretty sure that the first time the kid starts drawing on your couch in permanent marker, or sets fire to the carpet, you'll learn to pay attention to him.. as for dietary habits, as long as he doesn't have allergies, yes, you can feed him crap food, but it's probably not going to affect him in the long run... and maybe you'll want to take the opportunity to discover healthier food yourself. It doesn't have to be kale and can be tasty and satisfying.
In fact whether you get the chance depends entirely on how social services work in your country (what country would that be, if we can ask?). The school might have an issue with the child being picked up by a random distant cousin, so it might be out of your hands to start with. To clarify, teachers in primary school in Italy, for instance, are only allowed to relinquish the children to their parents or legally appointed (and cleared with the school) guardians.
IF I were in your position, I'd definitely do it, and do it right... not for the blood bond, which is immaterial, but because that's just what I'd do, having the chance to do good by a kid who would otherwise be thrown in foster care (which, again, depending on the nation you're in, might not be as horrible as some of the alternatives).
Just make the extent of your commitment clear to every party involved, the mother (unless she's completely "gone", she still might have some weight or insight on the matter), the grandparents, the other relatives, the school, the social worker if there is one (it would probably be best if there was one in any case), and possibly the child. And know that the second you take him in, most of your relatives will say that there's no backsies and it's your problem now...however it goes.
I personally believe that should you get to a place where you decide to take this momentous task on, most of your doubts and practical concerns will become a matter of "solve this task today and the other tasks tomorrow". In the end, at worst you'll have a more or less temporary inconvenience that you have the financial means to tackle in a multitude of ways, at best you'll make a friend for life.
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2019-04-05, 09:07 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
Do not take on the responsibility of raising a child if it is not something you really want to do. You're doing yourself AND the child a disservice. If you want to help out provide financial aid to the child's guardians, help them find a good foster home or whatever. Don't take on the responsibility yourself unless it is something you actually want (which doesn't seem to be the case at all, per your message).
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2019-04-05, 09:09 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2010
- Location
- Its Complicated
- Gender
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2019-04-05, 09:16 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
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2019-04-05, 09:45 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2010
- Location
- Its Complicated
- Gender
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2019-04-05, 09:51 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
Is there anybody else who would give me any advice at all?
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2019-04-05, 10:21 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
I suppose it depends on how badly he needs you as a friend. If you think that he needs you enough, then keep going. Also this need not be an on/off thing. My wife is a friend. My childhood friends are my friend. I would do a lot more for some friends than others. You can be his friend, and not constantly interact with him. Just let him know that you are there for him, if he needs you.
I have a friend on Facebook that would consistently bombard me with all sorts of nonsense (like all the ----ing time), and I would loose my mind when going though old posts of mine chocked up with his referrals to look at this or that. I am still friends with him, but I asked him sternly to stop choking up my history with referrals to took at this or that. He would also say that he was coming over, and then show up like 8 or 12-hours later (no joke). I am still his friend, but there is only so much I can take.Last edited by darkrose50; 2019-04-05 at 10:29 AM.
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2019-04-05, 10:23 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2008
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
I agree. Any reason you are holding back? I mean, obviously you don't want to be judged, but just pretending to be somebody else seems really annoying, and even if they make snide remarks you might at least have a decent reason to cut contact.
Well, sometimes people are just bad at misinterpreting a statement. See your discussion with Recherché for an example.
Tell your friend how you feel by using I-messages, because maybe it's just a misunderstanding.
I feel [emotion] when you [behaviour], because I get the impresssion [explanation]. I would like to [wish].
More details: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message
It's bound to give you more insights.Last edited by Thrawn4; 2019-04-05 at 10:29 AM.
What can change the nature of a man?
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2019-04-05, 10:24 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
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2019-04-05, 10:44 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2017
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
There's really no easy answer to this, which is probably part of why not a lot of people have responded yet. (Also, it's only been half a day, so be patient.)
The big thing here is, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It sounds like your friend was posting either just to vent (and not for help) or for attention? Either way, you are not responsible for his mental well-being. If he's refusing what support you can offer, I'd just quietly back away and not respond to that type of post. You can be friends without verbally offering support on every post.
Whether or not you remain friends, however, is another issue, and comes down to whether you value the relationship outside of these issues. Do you enjoy having him as a friend on his good days? If so, are you able to ignore the occasional craziness on his facebook feed in order to keep that?
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2019-04-20, 10:29 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- The Primus Imperium
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
Posting from my phone.
Mom fell and broke her knee today. We brought her to the ER and when they moved her elsewhere they gave me the wrong room.
So I'm sitting in a random chair in the hospital with no freaking clue where in this ****ing place she is. Bro's gone off to find stuff out because he peoples better than I do.
Oh and I've got a million other things ENTIRELY UNRELATED TO THIS **** TO WORRY ABOUT
Happy Easter, He is risen!Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.
Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo.
When Gods Go To War comes out March 8th
Discord: HalfTangible
Extended Sig
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2019-04-21, 01:53 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2010
- Location
- Its Complicated
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
-digital hugs-
I'm currently flying 13 hours to another country to be with my dad. He had a heart attack Wed. His birthday was Thurs. He was almost okay after the heart attack but then the surgery to repair the damage from the heart attack went wrong. He's in a medically induced coma right now and the question of whether he'll make it is very much up in the air.
Happy Easter
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2019-04-21, 05:52 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
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2019-04-21, 07:14 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Location
- Auckland, NZ
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
I'm kind of drunk right now, which would explain my lack of inhibitions/heightened sense of empathy, but -
SpoilerMy brother is really going through some hard times right now. He is splitting up with his wife of 11 years. He has 2 kids. I'm not sure what's going to happen with them, exactly, but I'm sure they'll be fine somehow. My main issue is this - My heart breaks for my brother. He is one of the people in my life that I love the most. I hurt so much on his behalf. Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a strong sense of empathy, but I do think it can be a strength in the right situations. I just wish I could make the problem go away, but I also know that things in real life aren't that simple. Oh, my poor brother. I wish I could take his emotional pain away, but of course I know things can't be dealt with that easily. I can only be there for him, and offer emotional support. I really wish he didn't have to go through this emotional pain.Spoiler: Out-of-context quotes
Azurite Name Inspirations
Rich is a better writer than that!
Free speech?
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2019-04-21, 09:04 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5
Hey, we're at 51 pages, so...
New ThreadHail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!