Personal Woes and Advice 5

[2D8HP]

So, that tumor I got a while back was....

That sounds like good news, then.

Glad to learn it.

[Velaryon]

So, that tumor I got a while back was Atypical meningioma, WHO grade 2. As I understand it, grades (not to be confused with stages) refer to how rapidly the tumor can grow, and there are 3 of them. Grade 2 isn't quite benign, but not out-of-control growth either.

Honestly, that's about as good as I could've hoped for, once I got the tumor. (yes, it's been removed from my head). I might need targetted radiation later, but I won't need chemo, or for my whole skull to be irradiated.

Definitely a good thing! I'm glad to hear that it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it could have been.

[Cozzer]

I'm happy for you. Good luck with the follow-up!

[factotum]

or for my whole skull to be irradiated.

But...how are you ever going to get cool superpowers if you don't get your skull irradiated?

Seriously, sounds like things are going well with it, good to hear!

[ve4grm]

So, that tumor I got a while back was Atypical meningioma, WHO grade 2. As I understand it, grades (not to be confused with stages) refer to how rapidly the tumor can grow, and there are 3 of them. Grade 2 isn't quite benign, but not out-of-control growth either.

Honestly, that's about as good as I could've hoped for, once I got the tumor. (yes, it's been removed from my head). I might need targetted radiation later, but I won't need chemo, or for my whole skull to be irradiated.

Sounds like it was caught at an alright time, then. Hopefully things continue going well.

[WarKitty]

It's getting bad at home.

Mom keeps insisting Dad's abusing her and just being awful to her and all that. I'm honestly not convinced. At all. But I know she's calling domestic violence shelters, and she's even been talking about trying to get a restraining order on him. And I'm honestly afraid that if I step out of line with her she's going to flip and start doing the same thing to me, telling everyone how I'm abusing her an all that. Even if I move out I'm afraid of what she might do to try to "fix the abuse."

[dehro]

It's getting bad at home.

Mom keeps insisting Dad's abusing her and just being awful to her and all that. I'm honestly not convinced. At all. But I know she's calling domestic violence shelters, and she's even been talking about trying to get a restraining order on him. And I'm honestly afraid that if I step out of line with her she's going to flip and start doing the same thing to me, telling everyone how I'm abusing her an all that. Even if I move out I'm afraid of what she might do to try to "fix the abuse."

What IS your dad doing? and what is he doing ABOUT it?

[WarKitty]

What IS your dad doing? and what is he doing ABOUT it?

So far as I can tell, he's mostly yelling at her to try to get her to stop going after him. A lot of the interactions his behavior is what I'd characterize as normal compromise seeking. But he seems to be at least somewhat buying into the idea that he's "the problem" and that if he changes his behavior enough everything will be ok.

[dehro]

So far as I can tell, he's mostly yelling at her to try to get her to stop going after him. A lot of the interactions his behavior is what I'd characterize as normal compromise seeking. But he seems to be at least somewhat buying into the idea that he's "the problem" and that if he changes his behavior enough everything will be ok.

That sounds to me like he's getting the same sort of abuse you're getting, except with an extra scoop of guilt and responsibility to make it work.
My advice would be, to him more than to you, to consult a lawyer. Once one person starts involving social services/throwing out accusations of domestic abuse, things can unravel really fast, whether she intended that to happen or not.. also, if by doing so she manages to establish a pattern with whatever external party she involves (shelter managers who get called routinely? the cops? "concerned family friends"? other family members?) this may damage his (and your) credibility to the point where whe can say and claim whatever she wants. You don't want that, and your father even less than you.
This is clearly an issue between them, of which you're taking the fallout and of which you are collateral damage.
I would ask said lawyer if and how it's possible to either establish that she's being unreasonable/abusive or even go as far as to investigate options on how to force her into some form of counseling, whether it's marriage counseling or straight up psychological assistance.
Talk to your father and make him understand that her behaviour, and his reaction/inaction/inability to set some boundaries is damaging you personally in (makealist) ways.
He MUST become your ally in this. At this stage it's clear that your mother is in a situation where she probably can't be reasoned with, at least not by you... so you must seek alternative support. Remind your father in as much of a constructive way as possible, that that's what he's supposed to provide to you too, not just to his wife.
If that falls on deaf ears (but you should really not give up on him anytime soon), then it goes back to doing whatever you can to seek affordable accomodation elsewhere.. including looking into those shelters yourself.

Take this matter seriously from a legal standpoint, and make sure your father does too.
Also, maybe consider the notion of divorce and see if that is not something your father should consider too, if at all financially viable.
Sometimes you need to take something appart completely, before you can try to fix it or decide to bin it... I would like to think that if they divorced it would actually help you, provided you get to pick with whom to stay (obviously not your mum, because should they divorce and turning that page not calm down your mother, you WILL get the full force of her dissatisfaction with life)

[WarKitty]

My read on the situation at the moment is he's most likely to try to accommodate her even if it means siding with her against me. Again, at this point he seems to be primarily taking her view on these things, up to accepting treatment for his "abusive" behavior. He often seems to shut down when asked and just repeat what she would like to hear.

I think it's better if I focus on getting myself out and then try to help him. If nothing else, it's going to be hard to make accusations stick against me if I'm not living there. And if I'm out of the house I don't have to worry about something I said getting back to her.

Unfortunately my own resources for domestic violence support are limited. Around here, it seems that domestic violence is defined as between intimate partners only - I've actually been told it's in the funding contracts. Child abuse is defined as only happening to minors, and there's "abuse of a vulnerable adult", but that requires me to be legally disabled. There's more, but the short version is it's a perfect mess that makes it hard to find support because of the way need is measured.

[dehro]

then maybe you should talk to a lawyer or social worker who is in a position to point you towards what assistance there is available.
if that's not in the cards, then indeed, the focus for you should be to get out of there asap. I know that that's an issue because of the whole medical expenses vs rent thing.. but there doesn't seem to be another solution.

[WarKitty]

I actually have talked to someone, and the answer is basically "there's pretty much nothing available for you."

I can't use any emergency housing because it has limits on the hours it's open and you have to be in at a certain hour and out at a certain hour. Most assistance is based on whether an average person of your gross income would need that assistance, meaning I'm not eligible since my income is too high. The affordability criteria for healthcare is based solely on premiums. I'm not legally an abuse victim because there is no category for adult children. Basically, the problem is that on paper I have enough money because no one's looking at the full picture.

[dehro]

Then the focus should be on what can you do with what you have? Can your father help you out at least to get you started?
Is there anyone else who has the same medical and financial constraints you face and who also can't count on their parents? How do they get by?

[WarKitty]

Then the focus should be on what can you do with what you have? Can your father help you out at least to get you started?
Is there anyone else who has the same medical and financial constraints you face and who also can't count on their parents? How do they get by?

I don't know. The people I've known in similar situations tend to end up homeless a lot, or more commonly just skipping medical care on a regular basis due to financial constraints. My father's not going to help until he's open to admitting that my mother is causing issues, and right now he's not open to that.

I need a better job, but I can't put a timeframe on that.

[dehro]

My father's not going to help until he's open to admitting that my mother is causing issues, and right now he's not open to that.

I don't understand.. your father can't provide financial help unless he thinks you are owed it because of the situation at home?
say everything was fine at home and you still wanted to move out for reasons of personal growth, independence or other practical concerns.. whould he not help you then?

[WarKitty]

I don't understand.. your father can't provide financial help unless he thinks you are owed it because of the situation at home?
say everything was fine at home and you still wanted to move out for reasons of personal growth, independence or other practical concerns.. whould he not help you then?

Because to him, help is letting me live there until I get a job I can support myself on. If I can't afford to move out, I can't afford to live on my own, so why would he help me? You move out when you can take care of yourself without needing extra assistance.

[Chen]

I don't know. The people I've known in similar situations tend to end up homeless a lot, or more commonly just skipping medical care on a regular basis due to financial constraints. My father's not going to help until he's open to admitting that my mother is causing issues, and right now he's not open to that.

I need a better job, but I can't put a timeframe on that.

What about charities? Is even the cheapest rent + medication too much for you to pay? Because there are things like soup kitchens or other food assistance that may be available. Food stamps and Medicaid as well should be available if your income is sufficiently low. If you're making more money than necessary for those thresholds I need to wonder just how high the rent and/or medical costs are (without prying too much).

[WarKitty]

What about charities? Is even the cheapest rent + medication too much for you to pay? Because there are things like soup kitchens or other food assistance that may be available. Food stamps and Medicaid as well should be available if your income is sufficiently low. If you're making more money than necessary for those thresholds I need to wonder just how high the rent and/or medical costs are (without prying too much).

One of the big catches here is the legal definition of affordable insurance. If you have legally sufficient and affordable insurance through your work, you are not eligible for state assistance with medical care. However, the law only looks at your premiums when deciding affordability. So high-deductible plans like mine get marked as affordable, despite a $5k deductible and high percentage copays after, because the premiums are lower. So if minimum rent for a room (not apartment, room) is $500 a month, and you're spending 6 or 7 thousand a year on medical, that doesn't work.

[Chen]

Can you drop out of the work coverage and go for some other sort of insurance? That seems like terrible plan if you have constant medical needs. High deductible plans are for people who don't need regular medical care. I mean realistically minimum wage with no health benefits (provided it was close to full time) + medicaid + SNAP seems like it would be better than your current situation.

[WarKitty]

Can you drop out of the work coverage and go for some other sort of insurance? That seems like terrible plan if you have constant medical needs. High deductible plans are for people who don't need regular medical care. I mean realistically minimum wage with no health benefits (provided it was close to full time) + medicaid + SNAP seems like it would be better than your current situation.

It can be hard to get benefits if you're seen as voluntarily reducing your income. Plus minimum wage here is less than $9 - I don't know anyone who lived solo on minimum wage without working 60+h weeks.

[Chen]

It can be hard to get benefits if you're seen as voluntarily reducing your income. Plus minimum wage here is less than $9 - I don't know anyone who lived solo on minimum wage without working 60+h weeks.

You have ~$1000/month with federal minimum wage assuming a 35 hour work week. Yes you may need to go work at Burger King and McDonalds in varying shifts to make that 35 hours a week, but if your insurance is covered by medicaid (with correspondingly lower medical costs) and you have food assistance via SNAP, you should be able to live on that. It'd be super tight and certainly not luxurious but still probably better than the nightmare of your current situation.

There is unfortunately no magic solution here. Clearly a better paying job will help, but there's no guarantee of finding that anytime soon, if at all. From your latest thing about your mom now alleging abuse, you need to do something NOW. Continue looking for other work but you need to make a change.

[WarKitty]

Honestly I suspect finding a better job, or an equivalent job in a different area, is going to be faster than finding minimum wage jobs willing to work around each other. Especially since it'll give me a bit more flexibility on snapping up an apartment once I have the job. Plus it won't cause issues at home - there's also the issue that if I got a lower-paying job I'd pretty much have to make an all-at-once move because of the at-home fallout from taking a lower paying job.

[Chen]

Well one you could just not tell your parents about any lower paying job. But in addition, I certainly didn't mean STOP looking for a better job. I mean that should be a continual improvement goal anyways. There are definitely cliffs in the US welfare system. If you're right on the edge of one of those it can certainly be rational to look at the alternatives in lowering your income, if in the end you have more at the end of the day.

[WarKitty]

Well one you could just not tell your parents about any lower paying job. But in addition, I certainly didn't mean STOP looking for a better job. I mean that should be a continual improvement goal anyways. There are definitely cliffs in the US welfare system. If you're right on the edge of one of those it can certainly be rational to look at the alternatives in lowering your income, if in the end you have more at the end of the day.

Not telling them really wouldn't be possible. It's not like I just go off to work randomly - a change in my schedule would be noticed and I'd need to explain where I was going and why. Plus there's stuff like "meet me after work" and such where I'd have a hard time coming up with why that wouldn't work.

[WarKitty]

Ok, plans!

(1) Tell parent that I've looked at my budget and found that I'm actually doing better than I thought and I'll be looking at apartments.

(2) Actually do budget. I looked at a few accounts and I may be doing better than I thought. I think I'm hitting at the line of "not good, but liveable."

(3) Talk to priest; inquire about local resources. Talk to some more local resources as well. I suspect either food or medical expenses will be easier than housing, although it might be hard.

(4) Obtain one safe deposit box and one PO box. Move critical documents to safe deposit box. Back up laptop/phone important stuff onto USB, put that there too. Get new dress pants (weight-change friendly) hemmed and move minimal dress clothing to car.

(5) Buy new phone and get on own phone contract. Will have to look into logistics here more. Looks like if I can't get my own contract it's best to not get a new phone yet.

(6) Start looking at apartments.

Anything I've missed?

[Cozzer]

I don't know much about US economic reality, but as far as I can see it seems great! I wish you the best possible luck!

[TechnOkami]

I don't know much about US economic reality, but as far as I can see it seems great! I wish you the best possible luck!

I'm 90% sure WarKitty lives in the UK...?

[factotum]

I'm 90% sure WarKitty lives in the UK...?

I'm 99.9% sure you're wrong, given she's talking about medical insurance and we have the NHS?

[WarKitty]

I'm 99.9% sure you're wrong, given she's talking about medical insurance and we have the NHS?

I'm 99.9999999...% sure I live in the U.S., unless we're entering evil demon scenarios here. I do however work night shift.

[Chen]

Ok, plans!

(1) Tell parent that I've looked at my budget and found that I'm actually doing better than I thought and I'll be looking at apartments.

(2) Actually do budget. I looked at a few accounts and I may be doing better than I thought. I think I'm hitting at the line of "not good, but liveable."

(3) Talk to priest; inquire about local resources. Talk to some more local resources as well. I suspect either food or medical expenses will be easier than housing, although it might be hard.

(4) Obtain one safe deposit box and one PO box. Move critical documents to safe deposit box. Back up laptop/phone important stuff onto USB, put that there too. Get new dress pants (weight-change friendly) hemmed and move minimal dress clothing to car.

(5) Buy new phone and get on own phone contract. Will have to look into logistics here more. Looks like if I can't get my own contract it's best to not get a new phone yet.

(6) Start looking at apartments.

Anything I've missed?

Why move clothing to the car? And what documents need to be in a safe deposit box? Only thing I have in ours is our will and the deed to our house. Everything else is pretty easily replaceable (frankly even both those can be replaced but the cost is higher). Otherwise the plan looks good. If you're worried about your parents' reaction consider maybe changing the order of things and line up the Apt first. For a phone also consider a pay as you go phone to start with, if you're looking at bare essentials. Generally cheaper than a plan though clearly far more limited.