Personal Woes and Advice 5

[NRSASD]

@Recherché -I've been there too, but made it out in (more-or-less) one piece. This was with a retail stor, and while my department boss was awful, I was lucky enough to foster good relationships with the other department bosses. I was able to use those contacts to stand in as the reference I needed to land a better job and leave that toxic mess behind me.

Like others have said, be honest but vague. You don't want to badmouth former employers and you don't want to seem like a drama prone type, so just state that the work environment was hostile and you felt the need to leave it.

In my case, I stated that my skillset was underutilized by my current employer, and I was looking for a place where I could make a stronger impact.

Hope it all works out! Best wishes for the future!

[WarKitty]

Like others have said, be honest but vague. You don't want to badmouth former employers and you don't want to seem like a drama prone type, so just state that the work environment was hostile and you felt the need to leave it.

I don't get this - everyone I've talked to said an employee saying this would be DRAMA ALERT DON'T HIRE THIS PERSON EVER!!!

[Glass Mouse]

So I want to share some good news with you guys. I've posted here before with regards to depression and lack of will to live (not suicidal).

Oh man, that's awesome. Congrats on getting it sorted out - I hope it makes a noticeable difference!

don't think of it as a legume.. think of it as a fart machine.
on a more serious note.. I'm not quite sure what to make of it.. or even where to start giving any kind of advice.. or that it is my our place to give any other than to see someone qualified to deal with this IRL.

Gonna have to agree here. This is much beyond our paygrade here. Talk to a professional.

I don't get this - everyone I've talked to said an employee saying this would be DRAMA ALERT DON'T HIRE THIS PERSON EVER!!!

Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree, frustrating as that is.

Stealing unashamedly from Ask A Manager, how about just "I had to leave due to some health issues that have since been resolved." Stress and depression are absolutely health issues, and your new employers don't need to know any more than that. It's still risky since they won't know whether those issues are likely to resurface, but worth a try.

There are more ideas in the comment thread here.

[Recherché]

I'm also wondering if there's a possible answer in the absolutely true fact that when I first signed up for my old job it was a new department and we were still figuring everything out as we went along. Our systems were a hodgepodge of code from multiple sources and we just threw everything at the wall to see what would stick. When I left it was an established entity that functioned smoothly and extremely bureacratically. The workplace culture changed a lot over 4 years and in ways I didn't always like. I enjoyed throwing everything I had out to help clients in creative ways and losing that to the steady March of paperwork was less than fun.

[WarKitty]

I'm also wondering if there's a possible answer in the absolutely true fact that when I first signed up for my old job it was a new department and we were still figuring everything out as we went along. Our systems were a hodgepodge of code from multiple sources and we just threw everything at the wall to see what would stick. When I left it was an established entity that functioned smoothly and extremely bureacratically. The workplace culture changed a lot over 4 years and in ways I didn't always like. I enjoyed throwing everything I had out to help clients in creative ways and losing that to the steady March of paperwork was less than fun.

I think something like "the job really changed from what I was hired to do, and I no longer felt I could be effective in the new role" is acceptable as a reason, although it's a bit odd after you quit with nothing lined up. But if you could provide a reason why you left it might be easier.

[messy1349]

follow up on this.

while speaking with a grief counselor last friday, i read goodnight moon aloud. my mother read this book to me when i was young.

then i read a history of my mother's illness aloud, which i hadn't yet read in its entirety.

while reading the history i cried for the first time since right after my mother died, eight months ago. it was a relief.

yay!

certainly, the grieving process isn't over, but by finally crying i've crossed a significant psychological and emotional hurdle.

big, big thanks to everyone who read my original post and replied to it. i love you all.

[Chen]

I think something like "the job really changed from what I was hired to do, and I no longer felt I could be effective in the new role" is acceptable as a reason, although it's a bit odd after you quit with nothing lined up. But if you could provide a reason why you left it might be easier.

I don't think this is a good thing to say. Adaptability is one of those good things you want in a candidate. Them basically saying "the situation changed, I couldn't do it, so I immediately quit without even having anything lined up" doesn't come off well at all.

[Recherché]

Unfortunately I don't have many great options for reasons to tell people while I quit. And it wasn't like I quit immediately. I had been at the job for a little over 4 years and it had been drifting towards bureaucracy from almost 2 of them.

[Tvtyrant]

Unfortunately I don't have many great options for reasons to tell people while I quit. And it wasn't like I quit immediately. I had been at the job for a little over 4 years and it had been drifting towards bureaucracy from almost 2 of them.

You can always sign up for college courses and tell people you needed space for personal development. Are you planning to dive back into working right away?

[Recherché]

I was hoping to. I'm totally not opposed to taking a few extra classes though. Possibly even reapplying for grad school though that would be a tight squeeze time wise

[FinnLassie]

Conflicting emotions. I feel hunger, but I don't want to. No mood for eating anything. Feeling like starving is the only acceptable option for me in order to live (??? thanks anxiety I guess ???). I don't want to force myself to eat but it's like... the only option.

[Mith]

Conflicting emotions. I feel hunger, but I don't want to. No mood for eating anything. Feeling like starving is the only acceptable option for me in order to live (??? thanks anxiety I guess ???). I don't want to force myself to eat but it's like... the only option.

This might be an entirely stupid question, but is there any comfort food that would work if the problem is anxiety? At some point, provided that it isn't straight sugar, that could potentially help.

I am aware that when things are not appealing to eat, that's a different story, but when I don't feel hungry, I can usually have something that tastes good so it isn't a chore to eat.

[Tvtyrant]

Conflicting emotions. I feel hunger, but I don't want to. No mood for eating anything. Feeling like starving is the only acceptable option for me in order to live (??? thanks anxiety I guess ???). I don't want to force myself to eat but it's like... the only option.

Have you considered smoothies or shakes if you are underweight or dealing with eating complications?

[Grytorm]

Hello again, any ideas of how to not think while trying to go to sleep. Most of the rest of the time I can avoid self reflection. But nightime when all I have is myself and my thoughts their isn't much else I can do but dwell on all of my flaws and various forms of self destructive behavior. No point going into too much detail. Suffice it to say I went from berating myself for being a disgusting person, to wondering how I can sever what ties I have to the world, and finally realizing how futile trying that would be and dwelling on the idea of annihilation. So for now I will try to be entertained by youtube and hopefully become tired enough to sleep.

[Recherché]

I meditate sometimes. The mp3s on this site help me a bit: http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations. Other times I'll chat with people I know online. With enough people there's usually someone awake for me to check in on and see how they're doing. If I know I've been having issues for a while sometimes the best I can do is try and exhaust myself during the day,

[FinnLassie]

This might be an entirely stupid question, but is there any comfort food that would work if the problem is anxiety? At some point, provided that it isn't straight sugar, that could potentially help.

I am aware that when things are not appealing to eat, that's a different story, but when I don't feel hungry, I can usually have something that tastes good so it isn't a chore to eat.

I'm having extremely high blood sugar despite it being normal last year. Comfort food is 100% out of the question.

Have you considered smoothies or shakes if you are underweight or dealing with eating complications?

I'm overweight. The texture of smoothies and other puréed stuff disgusts me. It's so horrible. I don't understand why people can down stuff like that.

[WarKitty]

I know I keep coming back to therapy...it's just that, everywhere I turn, it seems like the answer is "therapy is the solution to your problems!" And I know a lot of people do benefit from it, but it has overwhelmingly been a negative thing in my life that caused a lot of extra trauma, even with seeing a number of therapists.

And I keep going back and thinking...what happened? Why does this thing that seems to work for freaking everyone else just make me want to die? How do I get to somewhere where I can get actual help, if therapy so clearly hurts me, but it seems like the only option on offer is "go to therapy"?

[Chen]

Therapy is fairly generic. There are all sorts of therapies out there. Standard counselling (talk therapy), group counselling, CBT etc. I suppose there's also a pharmaceutical approach where you could find a psychiatrist and get some sort of drug prescribed. I'm not really sure what other type of option you're looking for. Unless you're talking to someone trained in the matter, they're probably not going to be able to tell you much more than "go into therapy" which basically means "seek the help of someone who is professional trained to deal with these types of things", without really being much more specific.

[JNAProductions]

I know I keep coming back to therapy...it's just that, everywhere I turn, it seems like the answer is "therapy is the solution to your problems!" And I know a lot of people do benefit from it, but it has overwhelmingly been a negative thing in my life that caused a lot of extra trauma, even with seeing a number of therapists.

And I keep going back and thinking...what happened? Why does this thing that seems to work for freaking everyone else just make me want to die? How do I get to somewhere where I can get actual help, if therapy so clearly hurts me, but it seems like the only option on offer is "go to therapy"?

*Offers hugs*

I have not had as bad an experience with therapy as you have, but it's never helped me.

Do you have a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication? That's obviously not a magical cure, but it helps a TON to have the right meds for your situation.

In addition, do you have a supportive family, or supportive friends?

[WarKitty]

Therapy is fairly generic. There are all sorts of therapies out there. Standard counselling (talk therapy), group counselling, CBT etc. I suppose there's also a pharmaceutical approach where you could find a psychiatrist and get some sort of drug prescribed. I'm not really sure what other type of option you're looking for. Unless you're talking to someone trained in the matter, they're probably not going to be able to tell you much more than "go into therapy" which basically means "seek the help of someone who is professional trained to deal with these types of things", without really being much more specific.

I think that last bit is kind of my problem. I get told "seek the help of someone who is professionally trained," but at the same time, my experience is almost entirely "professionally trained people can't be trusted to point you to what's actually helpful for you and are quite likely to hurt you." I don't really know what to do with that.

Heck, even with meds, I got meds that worked because I went online, looked up what people use, and then went to the doctor and asked them to prescribe it. And put my foot down and refused to keep taking anything from a class that kept causing issues.

And that's weird. It doesn't seem right that professional training doesn't ever seem to work, but the other option is that I've had repeatedly terrible luck with professionals - all of them, which is quite a lot, and that would also be really really weird.

[Grytorm]

I meditate sometimes. The mp3s on this site help me a bit: http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations. Other times I'll chat with people I know online. With enough people there's usually someone awake for me to check in on and see how they're doing. If I know I've been having issues for a while sometimes the best I can do is try and exhaust myself during the day,

Thanks for the fast response, I appreciated it right away even if I delayed my response until now. I might try meditation, or some kind of mind clearing. For the other suggestion, don't have very many internet friends, about the same as my real life friends really.

[Velaryon]

Hello again, any ideas of how to not think while trying to go to sleep. Most of the rest of the time I can avoid self reflection. But nightime when all I have is myself and my thoughts their isn't much else I can do but dwell on all of my flaws and various forms of self destructive behavior. No point going into too much detail. Suffice it to say I went from berating myself for being a disgusting person, to wondering how I can sever what ties I have to the world, and finally realizing how futile trying that would be and dwelling on the idea of annihilation. So for now I will try to be entertained by youtube and hopefully become tired enough to sleep.

Is it possible to do more things in your evening to tire yourself out, so that you fall asleep right after lying down before your brain has time to start racing? Maybe a workout a few hours before bed would help with that.

Alternatively, you could try reading in bed. If a regular book doesn't do the trick, maybe you could try reading something that you don't find very engaging, and put yourself to sleep that way? Basically, give your brain something else to do besides turn on you and start making you miserable. I don't know if it will work, but sometimes it helped me when I used to have this problem.

I know I keep coming back to therapy...it's just that, everywhere I turn, it seems like the answer is "therapy is the solution to your problems!" And I know a lot of people do benefit from it, but it has overwhelmingly been a negative thing in my life that caused a lot of extra trauma, even with seeing a number of therapists.

And I keep going back and thinking...what happened? Why does this thing that seems to work for freaking everyone else just make me want to die? How do I get to somewhere where I can get actual help, if therapy so clearly hurts me, but it seems like the only option on offer is "go to therapy"?

For what little it's worth, you aren't the first person I've heard of that finds therapy more harmful than helpful. My ex of several years ago seemed to be in a similar conundrum, where anything and everything she did with therapists seemed to either do nothing or make her depression even worse. She changed therapists several times and the same thing happened each time. Regrettably, I don't know whether she was able to find a solution, because she broke up with me while that was still going on, but perhaps it will be of small comfort to know that it isn't just you who experiences this problem.

[Algeh]

Hello again, any ideas of how to not think while trying to go to sleep. Most of the rest of the time I can avoid self reflection. But nightime when all I have is myself and my thoughts their isn't much else I can do but dwell on all of my flaws and various forms of self destructive behavior. No point going into too much detail. Suffice it to say I went from berating myself for being a disgusting person, to wondering how I can sever what ties I have to the world, and finally realizing how futile trying that would be and dwelling on the idea of annihilation. So for now I will try to be entertained by youtube and hopefully become tired enough to sleep.

If I'm having trouble "turning my brain off" for sleep, I find listening to audio dramas helpful. I specifically tend to listen to the old Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio program just because I know exactly what happens next so it's not a problem if I fall asleep in the middle of it, but anything where you know what's going to happen next would work (and probably something with less shouting and explosions would be a better choice, actually). I also used to "watch" some television shows I was particularly familiar with as sound-only with no picture back when this happened to me regularly (when I was in a pretty stressful job situation about a decade ago). The key is to have something with enough plot that your brain has something to do in following along, but not enough plot that you're actually invested in it and keeping yourself up to find out what happens next. (This is why it's helpful if its something you've already listened to enough times to know what will happen next.)

[Glass Mouse]

One of the best sleeping aids I've found has been routine. Going to bed at the same time, doing the exact same things in the same order in the last 30-60 minutes before bed.
Also majorly helpful: replacing my 20 minutes of pre-sleep phone time with a physical book that doesn't emit blue light. For me, the book helps to focus my brain so it doesn't do the scattershot thing before bed.

But, uh. Maybe the problem isn't that you're thinking before sleep but that you aren't thinking anytime else? If you're keeping yourself so busy, your stress hormones are probably through the roof (speaking from experience here). Long-term, the solution is to confront and solve whatever you're mentally running from. Short-term, I second the recommendation of meditation or maybe mindfulness training?

[FinnLassie]

I no longer have a safe space for Christmas. :(

[TechnOkami]

One of the best sleeping aids I've found has been routine. Going to bed at the same time, doing the exact same things in the same order in the last 30-60 minutes before bed.
Also majorly helpful: replacing my 20 minutes of pre-sleep phone time with a physical book that doesn't emit blue light. For me, the book helps to focus my brain so it doesn't do the scattershot thing before bed.

I will second this. Keeping to a regular sleep schedule is really the best medicine for beating sleep deprivation woes.

[Thrawn4]

I will second this. Keeping to a regular sleep schedule is really the best medicine for beating sleep deprivation woes.

I find that some amount of exercise is unbeatable when it comes to sleep and self-esteem.

[Thrawn4]

I no longer have a safe space for Christmas. :(

That is... Oh no! Any idea where you might find one? At Christmas there should be people willing to help...

[Tvtyrant]

Last Thursday I got some deicer in my eyes while deiceing my workplace, and have recently regained sight. Outer layer was completely tripped off, major chemical burns to my corneas which are healing now.

I had a terrible Christmas, being blind and in pain, but I can see (with heavy duty reading glasses at point blank range) and am recovering well.

[JNAProductions]

Last Thursday I got some deicer in my eyes while deiceing my workplace, and have recently regained sight. Outer layer was completely tripped off, major chemical burns to my corneas which are healing now.

I had a terrible Christmas, being blind and in pain, but I can see (with heavy duty reading glasses at point blank range) and am recovering well.

Oh gosh. I'm really sorry to hear you got hurt! But I'm glad you're on the road to recovery.

May your New Years be better than your Christmas!