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  1. - Top - End - #481
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Its hard to be with friends when they are so hard to come by and I have limited social skills. For forums and stuff, I just feel like I don't really contribute anything anywhere I spend time online. That and I feel guilty about posting to this thread. I've done it a lot it feels like, and I just end up feeling like I am just trying to get attention half the time.
    I can relate to what you're saying about the forum and this thread. Every time I post in here, I feel like my issue is nothing compared to the stuff others here are going through. I also feel like I'm a nobody on this forum and no one would notice or care if I just stopped posting one day and never came back (that bit might actually be true, I don't know).

    Here's what I tell myself to try and combat those feelings:

    1. There is no "your problem must be this bad to post" measuring stick. Even if others do have worse troubles than you, that doesn't invalidate your problems or mean you can't or shouldn't talk about them here. Even if it really is just that you need a bit of attention, that's okay. That's something we can actually provide, after all.

    2. While external validation is nice, presumably the reason you joined this forum is because you wanted to talk about the things that go on here, and you get some enjoyment from it. You're here for you, just as I'm here for me, and everyone else posting on this forum is doing so because they want to be here. (I suppose there could be exceptions to this, but I'm quite sure it's true of 99.9% of people here). So as long as you enjoy participating in this community, it's okay if you aren't a big contributor.

    3. If you have that little voice in the back of your head that tells you "they don't care about what you have to say," or "they don't want to hang out with you anyway," or "they wouldn't even notice if you were gone," please trust me that that voice is lying.

    Anyway, I don't know if that will mean anything to you, but that's what I remind myself about when I feel that way.

  2. - Top - End - #482
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    There is another factor which stresses me, the feeling of futility in asking for advice. I make the same mistakes and face the same problems. And I've never done enough to change it in years. So every time I come back it seems to be the same.

  3. - Top - End - #483
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Is there a semi-polite way to ask someone to stop trying to give you gifts? A friend who then hurt me and we haven't really been close with since, is trying to buy me a video-game. Problem is that I'm feeling a little like he's trying to bribe his way back into my good graces. And I feel like I can't really accept given that I still don't really trust him to not hurt me again. I also feel like if I accept then I owe him something and I don't want that right now. I can't accept with no strings attached. But at the same time he's trying and I don't feel good about telling him to go [Insert Profanity Here] off. I just want him to not try and repair this by giving me things.

  4. - Top - End - #484
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    If you don't want to repair the friendship just tell him to stop contacting you and refuse or take the gift as you see fit.

    If you do want to try and repair the friendship start a conversation with him regarding it. Ask why he's trying to give you a gift and that you don't think that trying to buy off whatever slight occurred is the best way to go about things. I mean realistically talking is the only real way to get this type of friendship repaired to begin with.

  5. - Top - End - #485
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Hitting the same old thing with my family - figuring out how to successfully disengage. Cell phones are really annoying that way. It creates the expectation that I can be reached in an emergency. For my mother's definition of emergency, which is about once a week, and usually involves what the rest of us would consider "natural consequences." But I also know if I don't respond she'll keep on trying and she'll escalate to find ways to get my attention, and I'm not sure I could deal with that.

    It's also frustrating just navigating people in general. It's almost impossible to not talk about family. It's almost impossible to say anything negative, or to indicate it's not a good subject, without being inundated with advice. I've yet to find that "I'd rather not talk about that" serves as anything but waving a red flag to talk to me about the thing more, when dealing with most people. (I'm not really thinking of people I would consider friends here, but superficial relationships, small talk, people you interact with regularly because of shared spaces but aren't really friends with.)
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
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  6. - Top - End - #486
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Hitting the same old thing with my family - figuring out how to successfully disengage. Cell phones are really annoying that way. It creates the expectation that I can be reached in an emergency. For my mother's definition of emergency, which is about once a week, and usually involves what the rest of us would consider "natural consequences." But I also know if I don't respond she'll keep on trying and she'll escalate to find ways to get my attention, and I'm not sure I could deal with that.
    Once a week? Realistically considering the stories you've told thats really good. Even not considering those stories a parent bitching to you once a week is pretty normal (especially as they get older). If its during work hours tell her you cant talk long due to conpany policy or your boss is watching or whatever. Outside of work hours I think you just suck it up and deal with it once a week.

  7. - Top - End - #487
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    Once a week? Realistically considering the stories you've told thats really good. Even not considering those stories a parent bitching to you once a week is pretty normal (especially as they get older). If its during work hours tell her you cant talk long due to conpany policy or your boss is watching or whatever. Outside of work hours I think you just suck it up and deal with it once a week.
    Categorically not an option. Keep in mind that the "once a week" is only the "It's a screaming emergency that has to be dealt with RIGHT NOW" messages. Every time I give in and take one of those calls, I end up not being able to sleep because of the stress of dealing with everything. If it wasn't my father she was accusing, maybe I could handle it. But it's inevitably a session of how horribly abusive my father is and how she's so afraid of having to go live in a shelter and how she really should just call the police and can you believe he actually threatened her?

    Plus the part where she's clearly not going to accept just having me listen; I have to say just the right things to prove I'm on her side. And then past that it's a constant dodge because she's texting me regularly just to see what I'm up to, and if I answer those texts I'm free to talk, oh and she's trying to figure out when I'm free to have breakfast with her. It's a whole dance of walking on eggshells, and I don't have the energy to deal with it. That dealing with it once a week is going to be once a week where I don't sleep at night from the stress.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
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  8. - Top - End - #488
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Categorically not an option. Keep in mind that the "once a week" is only the "It's a screaming emergency that has to be dealt with RIGHT NOW" messages. Every time I give in and take one of those calls, I end up not being able to sleep because of the stress of dealing with everything. If it wasn't my father she was accusing, maybe I could handle it. But it's inevitably a session of how horribly abusive my father is and how she's so afraid of having to go live in a shelter and how she really should just call the police and can you believe he actually threatened her?

    Plus the part where she's clearly not going to accept just having me listen; I have to say just the right things to prove I'm on her side. And then past that it's a constant dodge because she's texting me regularly just to see what I'm up to, and if I answer those texts I'm free to talk, oh and she's trying to figure out when I'm free to have breakfast with her. It's a whole dance of walking on eggshells, and I don't have the energy to deal with it. That dealing with it once a week is going to be once a week where I don't sleep at night from the stress.
    Here's what I would do... I'd call her bluffs. Like if she's like "He threatened me!" Then look up shelters, which is what a reasonable person would do in those circumstances, be like, "I'll drive you to the shelter." And then she'll be forced to either do that, which she doesn't want, or stop bothering you with that sort of thing. The problem is that you're in a space where you're enabling her to do that. Like if a normal person outside of that sort of relationship got a phone call where their mother claimed their father threatened them, they'd be looking up shelters, and offering to call the cops.

    The other great thing about this sort of plan is that once it gets to be obvious that your first step is to involve actual authorities who probably won't back your mom up, then she'll stop reaching out with hysteria.

    Alternatively, you get a second line, then leave your phone that she has off most of the time, and then schedule when you're going to deal with her.
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  9. - Top - End - #489
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Categorically not an option. Keep in mind that the "once a week" is only the "It's a screaming emergency that has to be dealt with RIGHT NOW" messages. Every time I give in and take one of those calls, I end up not being able to sleep because of the stress of dealing with everything. If it wasn't my father she was accusing, maybe I could handle it. But it's inevitably a session of how horribly abusive my father is and how she's so afraid of having to go live in a shelter and how she really should just call the police and can you believe he actually threatened her?

    Plus the part where she's clearly not going to accept just having me listen; I have to say just the right things to prove I'm on her side. And then past that it's a constant dodge because she's texting me regularly just to see what I'm up to, and if I answer those texts I'm free to talk, oh and she's trying to figure out when I'm free to have breakfast with her. It's a whole dance of walking on eggshells, and I don't have the energy to deal with it. That dealing with it once a week is going to be once a week where I don't sleep at night from the stress.
    Well from this it seems you don't want to deal with her so ignoring is the obvious option.

    Alternatively, similar to with AMFV said, you could throw things back at her. Surely you've learned enough of her guilt tripping lines to just do the same to her. Of course this is an escalation which is generally not the right way to go, but if there's no other options it may get her to see reason. Or make her angry enough to stop bugging you.

    You extricated yourself from the house which is fantastic. You need to either continue distancing yourself or find a way to get your boundaries respected. An ultimatum perhaps? "Mother you are mentally ill. Until you seek professional help I will no longer speak to you".

  10. - Top - End - #490
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Honestly, I'd be happy with ignoring, but my main concern there is that she knows where I live and work. So I'm concerned that ignoring her phone calls is just going to lead to further attempts to force me to interact. Like when I don't respond she's texted me before to let me know she'll be by my work when I'm getting off shift.

    She has a therapist and a psychiatrist, I just think she found ones that will take what she says at face value. Keep in mind what she'll say will be something like "I was just trying to have a civil conversation and out of nowhere he started screaming at me as soon as I got close to trying to talk about his behavior!" And she'll insist everything was nice and friendly and civil and never mention that this was 3h into a conversation that she'd walked into his bedroom after he'd gone to sleep to continue.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
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  11. - Top - End - #491
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    There's nothing you can do if she's intentionally misleading her therapists. Try to convince your father to leave her and if not, well let them deal with their own marriage. Letting her vent now and then to you is reasonable. Doing it all the time is not. If you give her that in and you know she's just going to use it to continue to vent at you, cut it off completely. Ignore her when you leave work. Call the cops if she follows you home.

    You can either take a stand for yourself or get walked all over. Realistically there's probably not a happy ending for everyone (or anyone even) in this situation.

  12. - Top - End - #492
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    @Warkitty

    Your mission goal is not currently: Fixing your mom, fixing your dad, making your mom go to therapy, making your mom not abuse your dad.

    Your mission goal is instead: Minimize contact with your mom's demanding and abusive side. This may mean minimizing contact with your mom, but doesn't have to mean a complete deterioration of relations.

    Spoiler: Strategy 1: Reduce the "crisis" counseling
    Show
    Starting now, every single time your mom contacts you, she has to wait half an hour before you get back to her. Every. Single. Time. She needs to be trained to chill before she gets your attention. Over time, you increase the time spans until she stops throwing a fit.

    If she questions you or demands an explanation, your answer is "I had a thing, but I'm here now. What did you want to talk about?"
    If she presses you, you become a broken record. "I just had a thing. What did you want to talk about?"
    If she tells you how she could have died seven times over and you must create a strategy right now for changing your ways, answer good-naturedly "Mom, I just had a thing. What did you want to talk about?"

    Be upbeat, be incredibly vague about what the thing is, and keep repeating until she gets to the issue.

    Over time, hopefully she will learn that you are not actually an instant emotional valve when she feels overwhelmed in the moment. And since you're not ignoring her for long enough for her to show up to your work, she will be able to learn to adjust before she starts making scenes.


    Spoiler: Strategy 2: Minimize the unloading of dad issues
    Show

    The broken record strategy works multitudes. Its primary advantage is that it does not reward attention-seeking behaviour.

    You: "That sounds tough, mom. Maybe you should talk to your therapist about that."
    She: "I cannot because XYZ!"
    You: "Still, I really think you should talk to your therapist."
    She: "Weren't you listening? I cannot because XYZ! And also because your dad QWP!"
    You: "Yeah, but I still think you should talk to your therapist about that."

    Maybe the therapist isn't the best diversion. Maybe your best strategy is actually just a sympathetic "I'm sorry, it sounds really tough to be feeling that way" repeated ad nauseum. You can experiment with different records and see which one works best.

    One advantage is that it takes you out of the role of helper and hopefully makes it less stressful to listen to. One disadvantage is that it may take a long time before she dials it back, if at all.

    Strategy 2.2: Minimize the unloading of dad issues (stronger edition)

    This is probably too tough right now, but over time, your answer should start turning into "I don't think I should be listening to this."
    She will probably steamroll that entirely, to which your answer should still be "Mom, I'm not the right audience for this." Repeat until she either changes the topic or you hang up.

    Which incidentally brings us to strategy 3 and 4.


    Spoiler: Strategy 3: Saying goodbye (phone)
    Show
    Every phone call is now initiated with you only having a set time to talk. If she has some things she respect, you are now always running late for one of those.
    "Hi mom, I only have fifteen minutes before I have to leave for [study group/class/friends/knitting circle], but what's up?"

    If nothing you do will ever be more important than her, you instead have something vague to do. "Hi mom, I only have fifteen minutes before I have to go do a thing. What's up?"

    Then set a timer, or at least glance at a clock. Stick to it. "Sorry, mom, I really have to run, let me know what your therapist says about all this, bye."

    If she presses you about what is more important than dear old mom, either lie through your teeth or be vague again. "Oh, it's really boring, but what's up with [your thing]?"


    Spoiler: Strategy 4: Boundaries
    Show
    I know you hate this word. But see, now that you live away from her, you can actually draw them.
    You live away. You are able to hang up on her. You can walk away and not come back. You can actually control how much exposure you have to her. You actually get to control how much she is in your life, and that is both freedom for you and, if you wield it correctly, a very persuasive power over her. For a phone call, the pattern is thus:

    Her: [abusive stuff]
    You: Mom, I really don't want to hear that. How about [topic change]?
    Her: [more abuse]
    You: I can't talk about this. Let's change the topic.
    Her: [even more abuse]
    You: Mom. Let's reschedule this until you're ready to talk about other things. Love you, bye.

    And then hang up.

    Once you talk again, start as if this did not happen. Once she restarts her abuse, repeat the pattern: Give her a few friendly redirects, then hang up. Eventually, she will learn that good behaviour rewards her with what she wants (access to you) while bad behaviour minimizes your contact. Odds are, she will eventually adapt. If not, that sucks majorly because you will basically have no relationship with your mom, but also, you won't have to listen to her abuse all day.

    This pattern also works for visits. Just replace "hang up" with "leave", and make sure to follow through. Both phone and physical presence will be f*cking terrifying the first time, and there will be a LOT of push-back, but it WILL get easier. The second time will already be like a walk in the park, comparatively. The fiftieth time will be an uncomfortable routine.


    Spoiler: Strategy 5: Minimize by engaging more
    Show
    This one is stolen directly from Captain Awkward and also seems kinda counter-intuitive. The idea is to set up a weekly phone call, and then sticking to it come hell or high water. Maybe just half an hour or so, where she knows for sure that she will get to talk to you. Then when she calls outside of that time span, you can cheerfully direct her to it. "Mom, I'm sorry to hear things are rough. I'm on my way out the door, but let's absolutely talk about it on Sunday, alright? Bye."

    Make sure to be good to yourself on those days, by the way, the same way you would if you had a stressful lecture or meeting.

    Hopefully, she will eventually learn that she DOES have your attention (and thus that she doesn't need to have so much anxiety about getting a hold of you all the time), while you get to control exactly when and how much it happens. It may also teach her to prioritize a little bit what she wants to use your time for.


    Mix and match these and see what works. I also recommend reading as much as possible from Captain Awkward about family dynamics because she has covered SO MANY letters with moms just like yours, and she is very good at offering concrete scripts and strategies.
    Spoiler
    Show


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  13. - Top - End - #493
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    People are posting here again. So I can avoid double posting. Nothing positive to say. Having purged my Facebook friends again I finally blocked the one person whom I could reliably talk to. And I did it without melodramatic pronunciations of despair so with any luck it will go under her radar and I will never bother her again.

    Hiding depression and failure from family is difficult. Lashed out a few times recently and videogames haven't been working on my computer. Also I haven't been taking my antidepressants. It's a combination of apathy, the fact that I have squandered all of my spending money, and I worry if I ask my parents for help they will notice the lapse.

  14. - Top - End - #494
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    People are posting here again. So I can avoid double posting. Nothing positive to say. Having purged my Facebook friends again I finally blocked the one person whom I could reliably talk to. And I did it without melodramatic pronunciations of despair so with any luck it will go under her radar and I will never bother her again.

    Hiding depression and failure from family is difficult. Lashed out a few times recently and videogames haven't been working on my computer. Also I haven't been taking my antidepressants. It's a combination of apathy, the fact that I have squandered all of my spending money, and I worry if I ask my parents for help they will notice the lapse.
    I'm going to be straight up with you because I don't think you would hear me otherwise.

    Everything you are doing here is hurting you. Cutting out your reliable sources of support, not taking your meds, trying to dive into asocial behaviors, and hiding your issues is all to your detriment and those of the people who love you.

    It is also frightening as a common precursor to suicide attempts or long term isolation. The best thing you could do is delete your video games forever, message your friend online and tell them what you did, talk to your parents about what is going on and talk to your psychiatrist about the meds not helping enough. The guilt you feel now is nothing compared to what they will feel if you succeed in hiding from them and carry your actions to their logical conclusion.

    The bravest thing anyone can ever do is ask for help.
    Last edited by Tvtyrant; 2018-01-31 at 04:55 PM.

  15. - Top - End - #495
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Honestly, my main worry with my mother is escalation. What I want to avoid is "You didn't answer your phone, so I just popped by your work while I was in the area!" or something like that. Or calling my grandmother to check up on me because I'm "acting so weird, she doesn't know why I'm doing this."

    I'm honestly not sure I have the energy right now to deal with a giant boundary fight. I've mentioned that we really are getting cases where I basically end up not sleeping after having to deal with her, or where I'm shaking just from seeing the texts.
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  16. - Top - End - #496
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Honestly, I'd be happy with ignoring, but my main concern there is that she knows where I live and work....
    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Honestly, my main worry with my mother is escalation.....

    Her behavior will likely get worse as she falls deeper into insanity, and she threatens your livelihood by coming to your job.

    Have her served with a restraining order ASAP.

    Do not forewarn her, no "If you keep doing this...", and do not tell anyone who may warn her".

    Cut-off all contact with anyone who meets with her that is not law enforcement.

    If you can stand to, you may be safe speaking to her when she has been placed in a 51-50 and institutionalized against her will, but for your own happiness I recommend regarding the women who once was your mother as dead, and this woman as a dangerous imposter, and avoiding all contact with her and anyone who gives her in ear as much as physical possible.

    No "I want to see grandma, and my dad",cut this woman from your life.

    As soon as you can move, and get a new job, leave as little traces as possible on-line for her to find you.

    Get away

  17. - Top - End - #497
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    People are posting here again. So I can avoid double posting. Nothing positive to say. Having purged my Facebook friends again I finally blocked the one person whom I could reliably talk to. And I did it without melodramatic pronunciations of despair so with any luck it will go under her radar and I will never bother her again.

    Hiding depression and failure from family is difficult. Lashed out a few times recently and videogames haven't been working on my computer. Also I haven't been taking my antidepressants. It's a combination of apathy, the fact that I have squandered all of my spending money, and I worry if I ask my parents for help they will notice the lapse.

    I haven’t been active on the site for a long time, but I was just skimming over some of it and saw this.

    I honestly don’t have much to say, TVTyrant covered basically all of it. But I do want to affirm the things that he said. Cutting off your social outlet and not taking your meds is a really, really dangerous combination, and I urge you to reach out to that friend and begin the medication again.

    Regarding hiding your depression from your parents:
    Don’t.
    I know from personal experience that not asking for help and hiding the stuff you are dealing with is beneficial to absolutely no one. All that does is make it worse. So please, reach out, take the meds again, reconnect, and get the help you need. You may not feel like it, but you are important, and you do deserve that help.
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  18. - Top - End - #498
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post

    Get away
    This.

    No matter what we're taught about "family", "family values" and "responsibility", there're kinds of all-consuming destruction that you can only get away from and can never be successfully fought or tamed, as trying to do so will always drag you down with it. The only safe place from a hurricane is far, far away from it and trying to keep moving within the calm of the eye of the storm is just a folly, delaying the inevitable.

    A note on "responsibility": It´s a folly to think that a captain should sink with the ship and if no captain is to be found, the highest-ranking crew member should step in. As children, we can try to take responsibility for our parents, but we cannot undo the choices they made, the harm they've done or got inflicted on themselves due to those choices - most of it will well have started way beyond our time.

    Edit: We´re responsible for our own lives first and foremost.
    Last edited by Florian; 2018-02-01 at 11:53 AM.

  19. - Top - End - #499
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    People are posting here again. So I can avoid double posting. Nothing positive to say. Having purged my Facebook friends again I finally blocked the one person whom I could reliably talk to. And I did it without melodramatic pronunciations of despair so with any luck it will go under her radar and I will never bother her again.

    Hiding depression and failure from family is difficult. Lashed out a few times recently and videogames haven't been working on my computer. Also I haven't been taking my antidepressants. It's a combination of apathy, the fact that I have squandered all of my spending money, and I worry if I ask my parents for help they will notice the lapse.
    Please, please follow TVtyrant's advice. These things are actively harmful to you, and it reads just like a checklist of warning signs for someone who is or may become suicidal. We don't want you to go down that road.

    Please talk to your friend again, reestablish contact with your parents, and tell your psychiatrist about the problem with your meds. Depression is the worst thing because it makes you into your own enemy, and pushes you to make harmful choices.

    I'm pulling for you. Please ask for help from those who can give it, and trust that they DO want to help you.

  20. - Top - End - #500
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    People are posting here again. So I can avoid double posting. Nothing positive to say. Having purged my Facebook friends again I finally blocked the one person whom I could reliably talk to. And I did it without melodramatic pronunciations of despair so with any luck it will go under her radar and I will never bother her again.

    Hiding depression and failure from family is difficult. Lashed out a few times recently and videogames haven't been working on my computer. Also I haven't been taking my antidepressants. It's a combination of apathy, the fact that I have squandered all of my spending money, and I worry if I ask my parents for help they will notice the lapse.
    Stop. Hiding.

    You're probably not fooling anyone at a fundamental level, but just because other people know something's up doesn't mean they know how bad things are or how to help you.

    Reverse course, talk to your family, and get back on your meds. ASAP.
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  21. - Top - End - #501
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    @Grytorm:

    Everything everybody else said, with emphasis.

    Also, don't be ashamed of talking to a therapist if you need to. Whatever it takes to get better.
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  22. - Top - End - #502
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    People are posting here again. So I can avoid double posting. Nothing positive to say. Having purged my Facebook friends again I finally blocked the one person whom I could reliably talk to. And I did it without melodramatic pronunciations of despair so with any luck it will go under her radar and I will never bother her again.

    Hiding depression and failure from family is difficult. Lashed out a few times recently and videogames haven't been working on my computer. Also I haven't been taking my antidepressants. It's a combination of apathy, the fact that I have squandered all of my spending money, and I worry if I ask my parents for help they will notice the lapse.
    okay. . . This is an issue. You need to deal with it. TvTyrant brings up several good points about getting back on your meds,
    talking to your doc,
    Avoiding social isolation/talking to friends
    talking to parents,
    Getting rid of games
    Bravery stuff
    Etc

    Actually that is quite a list. i know depression can make doing ANYTHING a massive effort that exhausts you mental for the rest of the day. when even basic self care like eating, getting out of bed, and a shower requires more energy than you have in a day. So you need to prioritize this list of things.

    First talk to your doc. This is the biggest by far because it is where and how you start to tackle all the other ones. Depending how long you have been not taking your meds (esp if you are no longer on starter doses) slamming back on can also be an issue-your doc may advise just this or may have you ease back on them or may start you on something new. Because you need a plan and a partner in helping you make and execute them and that is what the doc is there for. for helping you plan how to tell your parents. How to deal with the possibility that your games are a problem (or decide that they are helping). if you can see about seeing them more often than usual. once a week instead of once a month. It is possible to try to do all that needs to be done alone. That way sucks, is very painful, and has a far far higher chance of failure. Your number one way to tackle this problem is bringing in allies and your doctor is your batman in this fight. I can not recommend you try to fight this alone.

    Second priority. and by second I mean something to work on while you are waiting for that doctor's appointment you made to roll round. Hopefully it will be very fast but reality is if you are not being 5150'd same day service can be hard to find. So while you wait you work on: Talking to friends.
    you're not really in a place where getting no outside views are good right now. Isolation is very dangerous and also...you are almost certainly not the burden you think you are to them. You really don't need to talk about how you feel with them if you don't want to but do talk to them. THIS WILL BE HARD. Talking about sports or fashion or the latest movie may seem vapid, but it is just about getting something right now.

    Really those two are the top two. everything else can wait till you have a chance to spend time with your doc and develop a plan. if you can get the doc on the phone to ask about meds when you make your appointment try but that's gravy. Just get yourself there and really talk it out with them.

    but if you can't manage to get yourself to do either one, you switch to talking to your parents.
    Tell them. Write a letter if you have to in order to figure out the word, avoid their looks that are so terrible in your minds eye, and have time. But tell them you need more help than you are getting most of all. that you are having trouble talking about it. See if you can have them help you get more help.

    Finally. if you can't bring yourself to do any of that. Call a hotline. They can help walk you through it.

    How fast you move towards wellness isn't really important - just the direction.
    Last edited by sktarq; 2018-02-02 at 06:49 PM.

  23. - Top - End - #503
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Florian View Post
    This.

    No matter what we're taught about "family", "family values" and "responsibility", there're kinds of all-consuming destruction that you can only get away from and can never be successfully fought or tamed, as trying to do so will always drag you down with it. The only safe place from a hurricane is far, far away from it and trying to keep moving within the calm of the eye of the storm is just a folly, delaying the inevitable.

    A note on "responsibility": It´s a folly to think that a captain should sink with the ship and if no captain is to be found, the highest-ranking crew member should step in. As children, we can try to take responsibility for our parents, but we cannot undo the choices they made, the harm they've done or got inflicted on themselves due to those choices - most of it will well have started way beyond our time.

    Edit: We´re responsible for our own lives first and foremost.
    It's more of a "how do I get away in a way that doesn't just amount to setting my own life on fire in hopes it works?" Because I just don't think quitting my job, breaking my lease, changing my number, and moving across country to where I wouldn't have a job is actually a realistic option in terms of maintaining my own sanity.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
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  24. - Top - End - #504
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    DrowGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    February is going to be a very depressing month for me. This month is going to be the anniversary of my mother death. She passed from type 2 diabetes about by six years ago. My older brother and I get very depressed when it comes to our mother death. I always give my mother insulin everyday. But her health got worse and she was at the hospital. My old therapist at my old day treatment program told me that my mother passed away. I was so said and depressed. I feel like it was all my fault. That I should have taken care of her a bit more. So that's the whole story then.

  25. - Top - End - #505
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Many responses, telling me that acting stupid is a very stupid thing to do. That sounds about right. Lot's of suggestions which I should probably follow but they probably require bravery, especially being honest with my parents. I have recontacted the last person I blocked and we talked a fair amount last night. Everyone else I know I am not certain what to say. People I do see on the bus never initiate conversation. Someone I used to consider a good friend has not responded to nondesperate messages for a long time. And I still face anxiety about approaching new people.

    For therapy stuff, I should probably try and see the psychologist again, find out if my quite rants to myself about him have any substance or if they are just half mad musings. I only see my psychiatrist for about half an hour every three months. Half as much as my hairdresser. I should avoid lying next time.

    Video games are not a huge problem at this point because my computer is sort of broken.

    Ultimately I don't know what I will do.

  26. - Top - End - #506
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    It's more of a "how do I get away in a way that doesn't just amount to setting my own life on fire in hopes it works?" Because I just don't think quitting my job, breaking my lease, changing my number, and moving across country to where I wouldn't have a job is actually a realistic option in terms of maintaining my own sanity.
    Honestly your only option is to stop giving your Mom power over you. Only talk to her when you feel up to it, block her number if she spams up your phone, and call security if she shows up at work.

    There is no way to regain control without some form of struggle, but you can't get what you want without regaining control. This may indeed require treating your Mom like a stalker, because that is in fact what she is. Her power comes from her having groomed you to be afraid of the consequences of denying her, only you can put an end to it.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
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  27. - Top - End - #507
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Now I'm wondering...how many people actually work at places that even have security. The only places I've worked that had security were retail stores that wanted to deter shoplifters.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  28. - Top - End - #508
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Many responses, telling me that acting stupid is a very stupid thing to do. That sounds about right. Lot's of suggestions which I should probably follow but they probably require bravery, especially being honest with my parents. I have recontacted the last person I blocked and we talked a fair amount last night. Everyone else I know I am not certain what to say. People I do see on the bus never initiate conversation. Someone I used to consider a good friend has not responded to nondesperate messages for a long time. And I still face anxiety about approaching new people.

    For therapy stuff, I should probably try and see the psychologist again, find out if my quite rants to myself about him have any substance or if they are just half mad musings. I only see my psychiatrist for about half an hour every three months. Half as much as my hairdresser. I should avoid lying next time.

    Video games are not a huge problem at this point because my computer is sort of broken.

    Ultimately I don't know what I will do.
    I'm glad that you seem to recognize that the behaviors folks here are trying to warn you away from are unhealthy. From what you're saying here, I'm guessing you've heard it all before. I think sometimes it helps to have it reaffirmed, though, and I hope that gentle encouragement to reverse unhealthy behaviors and keep trying to get back on track is helpful, especially since it's pretty much the limit of what we can do.

    It sounds to me like you have a problem where you get advice that you recognize as good, but you have trouble taking it anyway. I don't have any brilliant ideas for resolving this, but when possible I find that it sometimes helps to break it down into steps. Even inching toward a goal is better than total paralysis.

    You mentioned that games aren't a problem right now because your computer is messed up. That implies you saw them as a problem before. I went back a few pages in this thread but didn't find any more about it. Can you elaborate a little bit?


    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Now I'm wondering...how many people actually work at places that even have security. The only places I've worked that had security were retail stores that wanted to deter shoplifters.
    My current job does not have a security guard because we can't afford one. Thankfully, the police are only 2 blocks down the street though, so on the rare occasions they're needed, response time is very fast.

    My previous jobs both had security. The bigger library had four security guards, though three of them were old men who I'm surprised hadn't retired yet. The smaller library contracts with an outside firm who sends one security person (during peak hours, anyway).

    As for my previous non-library jobs, I know the Follett warehouse had security, and I would assume the amusement park and Walmart did too, though I don't remember. The restaurant did not, and the other jobs weren't things where I went into an actual workplace really, so they don't count.
    Last edited by Velaryon; 2018-02-04 at 03:06 AM.

  29. - Top - End - #509
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Now I'm wondering...how many people actually work at places that even have security. The only places I've worked that had security were retail stores that wanted to deter shoplifters.
    Outside of major corporations? Very few in germany, most of them working night shift to prevent break and entry. Maybe because law enforcement is divided into two separate branches, Security and Police. Security deals with the whole low-level stuff, from parking fines, checking permit and licenses, patrolling construction sites for illegal workers and such. It´s easy to get in touch with them and it´s less spectacular than calling in the police, provided that you live in a place large enough to have that service branch, tough luck in a village or so.

  30. - Top - End - #510
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Now I'm wondering...how many people actually work at places that even have security. The only places I've worked that had security were retail stores that wanted to deter shoplifters.
    Unless you're a large corporation its unlikely you'll have an active security force on site. At which point call security just means calling the cops.

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