Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Some Android]

Spoiled for length I guess:

Spoiler

Show

I don't know where to start so I'll just be blunt. I think I'm in an abusive/neglectful relationship. I'm 28 years old, I have autism, I live with my mother, and I greatly believe she is gaslighting me.

I'm not sure what more to post as it might go on for awhile and some of it might not be forum appropriate. I guess I'll try and keep it brief. There's no physical abuse, but she uses me as an emotional punchbag taking all her anger out on me through yelling. She neglects my needs but showers my two siblings with everything - especially my sister who never shows any gratitude.

In terms of my options I've contacted an old therapist, and I have the contact information for adult protective services. I plan on calling them Monday (the 28th).

I'm not sure why I'm posting this here other than a few reasons. First is declaring I'm going to do it - setting it in stone - will actually motivate me to do it. I was planning on calling the first week of May. Then I kept getting nervous and postponing it a day or two; so here I am.

This is something I have to do. If not now - if not soon I feel - I'm gonna wake up one day several years from now having accomplished nothing and most of my life will be gone. She won't let me find a job, she's not putting away any money for me to live on after she passes away (and professional therapists have suggested she set up a trust fund for me to do this). She claims to have no money to do that or pay for me to finish school, then spends money on my disrespectful sister. She does this (among other things): buys food at our local grocery store for my sister and pays for it to be sent all the way across the country to my sister.

There's a part of my brain telling me I'm burning down a bridge. Then there's another part of my brain telling me what's on the other side of that bridge to hold on to. My parents got divorced when I was five and I've barely seen my father throughout the course of my life. My mother is neglecting me and giving everything to my sister. My sister is just an amalgamation vices and disrespectful. The only person in my family I still care about is my brother who I do believe cares about me. He's the only person to have given me a birthday present for the past several years of my life.

My brother would probably be willing to look after me, but I still don't fully believe that. My sister is basically a lost cause so yeah. I have to contact someone to get me out of here if I don't want to be homeless after my mother eventually passes away.

Besides I want to actually be an independent adult with responsibilities and a job/career. I don't just want to rely on others to look after me. My fear is that if someone or program gets me away from my mother like I want if something does go wrong in my life I may have no one I can rely on. Usually in life people have a family they can call for a favor or help if things go bad. I can't exactly leave my mother and family, saying they're terrible, and then later ask these people I've called terrible for a favor. Also on some level I still want to believe family has some value, but with my family...well, I remind myself there are species of animals that literally devour their young so obviously the term family can have a subjective meaning or something like that.

The other reason I'm posting this here just general support. I'm not sure if I need advice, but just a short post wishing me well and that things will turn out well would be enough.

[WarKitty]

Spoiled for length I guess:

Spoiler

Show

I don't know where to start so I'll just be blunt. I think I'm in an abusive/neglectful relationship. I'm 28 years old, I have autism, I live with my mother, and I greatly believe she is gaslighting me.

I'm not sure what more to post as it might go on for awhile and some of it might not be forum appropriate. I guess I'll try and keep it brief. There's no physical abuse, but she uses me as an emotional punchbag taking all her anger out on me through yelling. She neglects my needs but showers my two siblings with everything - especially my sister who never shows any gratitude.

In terms of my options I've contacted an old therapist, and I have the contact information for adult protective services. I plan on calling them Monday (the 28th).

I'm not sure why I'm posting this here other than a few reasons. First is declaring I'm going to do it - setting it in stone - will actually motivate me to do it. I was planning on calling the first week of May. Then I kept getting nervous and postponing it a day or two; so here I am.

This is something I have to do. If not now - if not soon I feel - I'm gonna wake up one day several years from now having accomplished nothing and most of my life will be gone. She won't let me find a job, she's not putting away any money for me to live on after she passes away (and professional therapists have suggested she set up a trust fund for me to do this). She claims to have no money to do that or pay for me to finish school, then spends money on my disrespectful sister. She does this (among other things): buys food at our local grocery store for my sister and pays for it to be sent all the way across the country to my sister.

There's a part of my brain telling me I'm burning down a bridge. Then there's another part of my brain telling me what's on the other side of that bridge to hold on to. My parents got divorced when I was five and I've barely seen my father throughout the course of my life. My mother is neglecting me and giving everything to my sister. My sister is just an amalgamation vices and disrespectful. The only person in my family I still care about is my brother who I do believe cares about me. He's the only person to have given me a birthday present for the past several years of my life.

My brother would probably be willing to look after me, but I still don't fully believe that. My sister is basically a lost cause so yeah. I have to contact someone to get me out of here if I don't want to be homeless after my mother eventually passes away.

Besides I want to actually be an independent adult with responsibilities and a job/career. I don't just want to rely on others to look after me. My fear is that if someone or program gets me away from my mother like I want if something does go wrong in my life I may have no one I can rely on. Usually in life people have a family they can call for a favor or help if things go bad. I can't exactly leave my mother and family, saying they're terrible, and then later ask these people I've called terrible for a favor. Also on some level I still want to believe family has some value, but with my family...well, I remind myself there are species of animals that literally devour their young so obviously the term family can have a subjective meaning or something like that.

The other reason I'm posting this here just general support. I'm not sure if I need advice, but just a short post wishing me well and that things will turn out well would be enough.

I get you. In my case it's major depression/PTSD, not autism, but same issue with my mother. I was being an emotional punching bag and getting told I was selfish and horrible if I tried to set any boundaries at all. And I don't have any siblings.

It's scary, and there aren't always a lot of good answers. But there are often people out there who will help you - even people who don't know you. I know in my (not that large) city there are places you can go that will help you if you need it. They can be a little hard to find, but APS will probably know what they are. You'll also be able to build new relationships once you're out and not having your mother interfere with everything.

[Some Android]

I get you. In my case it's major depression/PTSD, not autism, but same issue with my mother. I was being an emotional punching bag and getting told I was selfish and horrible if I tried to set any boundaries at all. And I don't have any siblings.

It's scary, and there aren't always a lot of good answers. But there are often people out there who will help you - even people who don't know you. I know in my (not that large) city there are places you can go that will help you if you need it. They can be a little hard to find, but APS will probably know what they are. You'll also be able to build new relationships once you're out and not having your mother interfere with everything.

Thank you. Good to hear.

I don't live in a city, and I'm not sure if there is anyone local who could support me for x amount of time. I don't live that far from Philadelphia if it's more common to find helpful people in a large city. A former roommate from college lives in Philadelphia I might be able to ask for help. I don't feel comfortable sponging off him especially since I don't know how long I'll have to. I basically have no money and no work experience. I don't know how long it would take to become independent.

Also APS? What does that stand for if you want to tell me and save me a google search?

[WarKitty]

Thank you. Good to hear.

I don't live in a city, and I'm not sure if there is anyone local who could support me for x amount of time. I don't live that far from Philadelphia if it's more common to find helpful people in a large city. A former roommate from college lives in Philadelphia I might be able to ask for help. I don't feel comfortable sponging off him especially since I don't know how long I'll have to. I basically have no money and no work experience. I don't know how long it would take to become independent.

Also APS? What does that stand for if you want to tell me and save me a google search?

APS=adult protective services.

A large city is more likely to have charitable organizations dedicated to helping people. They're also more likely to have job opportunities and a decent public transit system (I'm guessing you don't have a car). There will also likely be a welfare office where you can search for benefits.

The big two you'll want to get right away, if you don't have them already, are medicaid and food stamps. You can find all the info for these online. There may be housing assistance as well, but that often has long waitlists. Once you get in to talk to someone you can probably figure out what else will be available.

Community college might also be an option. Since you're 28 you'll automatically be considered an independent student, which means you do NOT need your parents to sign your FAFSA. The advantage here is that you are allowed to use financial aid for living expenses, and academic institutions are often more aware of disability issues. They probably also have dorms and a cafeteria - this is more expensive than living on your own, but it takes some of the pressure off because someone else is fixing food and taking care of most of the housing stuff, all you have to do is keep a room clean. They may also be able to hook you up for work-study. Obviously the disadvantage is that you will probably end up with loans to repay. Stick to federal loans, not private - it's easier to work out a repayment plan that's affordable.

[Grytorm]

Hello again. On the paper, its not about needing someone to proofread it or whatever. Its more about the fact I can't motivate myself to do it. Maybe I still can, but even if I do get the mativation it faces some difficulties. I haven't done enough reading, I should have picked up more sources that the teacher reccomended, and it is a too long to rush. I'm under a sword of damocles of my own creation and it isnt an enjoyable experience.

Socialization, I know there are some things I could do to get involved in hobby stuff. The university doesnt seem to be the best venue because in theory I am a few weeks from being done there. But I guess there are other options, at the very least the local game store has MtG that I could get into again. More meaningful connections are a fools errand given the last two times I tried to change things went horribly. Maybe even three times, but that third was more a critical fumble on my part rather than an ill concieved attempt from the start.

I've realized that I am not getting enough sleep. Most nights I am up till midnight on my phone. And when I try to go to sleep earlier it doesn't go to well. I feel exhausted.

Last, Tvtyrant, yeah I live in Oregon. What do you mean by drive out to me?

[Some Android]

APS=adult protective services.

'Kay.

A large city is more likely to have charitable organizations dedicated to helping people. They're also more likely to have job opportunities and a decent public transit system (I'm guessing you don't have a car). There will also likely be a welfare office where you can search for benefits.

Okay. I was told there's a building/location/whatever for adult protective services in my county. I'll see what they can do. How likely is it that they'd relocate me to a city - not that I'm opposed to that. Honestly Philadelphia - the largest city closest to my town - might not be a bad choice. Again I have no idea how these things work. My old roommate does live in Philly and it would bring me closer to my brother who I'd still like to have a relationship with. Not sure if that's feasible if I do this, but this may have to be a scenario where I have to amputate a limb to escape a dangerous situation if I can be metaphorical.

One issue is my brother is getting married in a few months - this fall. I'd prefer to do this before then - try and salvage as much of what's left of my twenties as possible - but again I'm not sure how welcomed I'd be at the wedding, and I do want to go.

The big two you'll want to get right away, if you don't have them already, are medicaid and food stamps. You can find all the info for these online. There may be housing assistance as well, but that often has long waitlists. Once you get in to talk to someone you can probably figure out what else will be available.

'Kay. That's a little intimidating, but I guess I'll have to try and manage. There's so much I don't know how to do - paying bill and filing my taxes among other things. I've never had to deal with these things so no one ever told me how to do this stuff, and I never asked how because again I had no need to do these things. I don't know if it's possible for me to get someone like a case worker or social worker to help me with these things. Maybe I've watched too much TV, but is that a thing? Some sort of transitional program to help get me independent or am I just crazy for thinking this? I am collecting social security because of my autism. I'm not sure how much I want to say on that - I might accidentally break some forum rule taking about finances. My mother is the executor or something for my social security so she technically is getting the money to spend for me. Hopefully I can change that when I leave, but again don't want to talk to much about that.

Community college might also be an option. Since you're 28 you'll automatically be considered an independent student, which means you do NOT need your parents to sign your FAFSA. The advantage here is that you are allowed to use financial aid for living expenses, and academic institutions are often more aware of disability issues. They probably also have dorms and a cafeteria - this is more expensive than living on your own, but it takes some of the pressure off because someone else is fixing food and taking care of most of the housing stuff, all you have to do is keep a room clean. They may also be able to hook you up for work-study. Obviously the disadvantage is that you will probably end up with loans to repay. Stick to federal loans, not private - it's easier to work out a repayment plan that's affordable.

I'm not sure how much I want to finish college. I know people go through stuff kind of like me and don't always graduate college until their late twenties or later. The degree I was working towards was in art. Technically speaking if you want to be an artist you don't need a degree - just a lot of talent to get paid. You're basically wasting you time and money going to art school if you're that talented. I'm not saying I am, but I completed 6 semester at my school so I'm not sure if two more semesters would be worth it. I don't feel like eventually paying back loans. I kind of feel like just entering the job force. Not sure if that's the best option, but just the fact I basically dropped out of my old school has left me sour to college.

I'm debating if trying to create a GoFundMe campaign is the right thing to do. I don't know how much money I'd end up getting or how much I would need - I'm 28 and basically have nothing. Usually in life young adults move back in with their parents in their twenties after completing college for free food and board until they can be financially independent. The next few years of my life are gonna be rough, and I'm not even sure how generous people would be to donate money to my cause - not that I know all that many people or know how I would broadcast this campaign to others.

I plan on calling Adult Protective Services tomorrow (Monday) around 2 PM. Not sure if I should do it earlier or if I'm postponing this but I'll definitely call tomorrow around 2. I still have reservations about what I'm doing, but I know this is (at the very least) the lesser of two evils.

I feel like Jon Snow in this clip:

Spoiler: Game of Thrones seaon 1 spoiler

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Also sorry if there are any spelling or grammatical errors in my post. I typed a lot and may have not thoroughly proofread it.

[WarKitty]

I don't know how much help you'll get tomorrow. It is memorial day.

You may have to relocate yourself. I don't know all the ins and outs. There are programs that can teach people how to manage on their own, but they can be a bit scattered sometimes. A lot of times you have to be persistent about finding stuff.

There's also a lot of stuff on the internet. Make a reddit account and head over to r/personalfinance. They have a bunch of stuff for how to keep your money together. They've helped people who have to move out with nothing before. There's a giant wiki too.

If you expect any problems with your mother, gather as many identity documents as you can ASAP. You will need at minimum an ID and your social security card to get a job.

You should be able to change your social security stuff to you. That you're receiving it may actually make it easier for you because it'll make you eligible for more stuff. APS should know more.

[Comrade]

Hello again. On the paper, its not about needing someone to proofread it or whatever. Its more about the fact I can't motivate myself to do it. Maybe I still can, but even if I do get the mativation it faces some difficulties. I haven't done enough reading, I should have picked up more sources that the teacher reccomended, and it is a too long to rush. I'm under a sword of damocles of my own creation and it isnt an enjoyable experience.

I don't really know any methods for working through lack of motivation, so I'll leave that one for somebody else to tackle.

Socialization, I know there are some things I could do to get involved in hobby stuff. The university doesnt seem to be the best venue because in theory I am a few weeks from being done there. But I guess there are other options, at the very least the local game store has MtG that I could get into again. More meaningful connections are a fools errand given the last two times I tried to change things went horribly. Maybe even three times, but that third was more a critical fumble on my part rather than an ill concieved attempt from the start.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'last time I tried to change things went horribly', but I can tell you that things going awry or not quite as you'd hoped a couple of times doesn't spell doom for the rest of your social life. Awkward moments and misunderstandings happen to everybody, you'd have to pretty much stop talking to people altogether to avoid them. It's possible there's something you're doing to cause those unwanted outcomes, but I don't know you in person and you haven't actually said what went wrong, so there's not much advice I can give you on that front other than to say you shouldn't get discouraged and you shouldn't just resign yourself to isolation.

Also, even if you're planning to make tracks out of university in a few weeks-- use the social opportunities offered by your campus while you are there. You may end up forging friendships that will outlast your time at school. If not, at least you'll be out of your house and spending time with people.

[Some Android]

I don't know how much help you'll get tomorrow. It is memorial day.

I'll still try. I've been putting this off for too long and the sooner this happens the better.

You may have to relocate yourself. I don't know all the ins and outs. There are programs that can teach people how to manage on their own, but they can be a bit scattered sometimes. A lot of times you have to be persistent about finding stuff.

There's also a lot of stuff on the internet. Make a reddit account and head over to r/personalfinance. They have a bunch of stuff for how to keep your money together. They've helped people who have to move out with nothing before. There's a giant wiki too.

Okay. Good to know.

If you expect any problems with your mother, gather as many identity documents as you can ASAP. You will need at minimum an ID and your social security card to get a job.

I have an expired passport, my ID from college, my highschool diploma, and maybe some expired debit cards and old bank statements in terms of identification.

You should be able to change your social security stuff to you. That you're receiving it may actually make it easier for you because it'll make you eligible for more stuff. APS should know more.

That's good to know.

Any idea how long this process can take? Like nothing of mine is packed if APS can get me out of here immediately. There's obviously stuff I want to bring with me: clothing, my laptop, what little cash I have, some other stuff that could be classified as commodities. I'd just prefer not to leave anything important behind.

[Recherché]

If you can get ahold of your birth certificate and/or social security card, I've found those very useful for being able to register for new IDs and getting everything else re-established. If you don't already know where they're stored though I'm not sure how to find out without alerting your family. Well other than maybe saying that you need your birth certificate to regain other IDs before they get completely expired and you can't prove who you are to the various government agencies offering you support.

[Some Android]

If you can get ahold of your birth certificate and/or social security card, I've found those very useful for being able to register for new IDs and getting everything else re-established. If you don't already know where they're stored though I'm not sure how to find out without alerting your family. Well other than maybe saying that you need your birth certificate to regain other IDs before they get completely expired and you can't prove who you are to the various government agencies offering you support.

Okay. Thanks. I do know my social security number so that might be helpful in getting some for of ID. Hopefully someone at APS can help me with this or do something.

[WarKitty]

If you were born in PA, it looks like siblings are allowed to order birth certificates. That should help a lot.

If you think you can manage it, look into getting a starter credit card - one aimed at people with no credit history (I'm guessing you don't have a credit history). If you can't qualify for that look into what's called a secured credit card. This'll also get a bill going to you, which helps with getting future identity documents. I always used a credit card bill and a bank statement as a way to prove residence. Just make sure you don't spend anything you don't have in your bank account.

Speaking of websites, look at nerdwallet.com. They'll explain a lot of finances 101.

Do you have a bank account currently? If you don't that's going to be your first step. That social security check should be enough to get you started on one. Can't get into legal advice here, but there are rules on them and that should definitely be one of the first things you mention to APS.

Basic job applications aren't too hard. The big chains probably have applications online - usually the walmart/target types, and the major fast food chains. Smaller places may still use paper applications, so it's worth taking a walk around. For entry level jobs, a clean pair of khaki or twill pants and a polo or button-down is generally dressy enough for applications and interviews. If you have a local goodwill office you can talk to them for help too.

[Some Android]

If you were born in PA, it looks like siblings are allowed to order birth certificates. That should help a lot.

If you think you can manage it, look into getting a starter credit card - one aimed at people with no credit history (I'm guessing you don't have a credit history). If you can't qualify for that look into what's called a secured credit card. This'll also get a bill going to you, which helps with getting future identity documents. I always used a credit card bill and a bank statement as a way to prove residence. Just make sure you don't spend anything you don't have in your bank account.

Speaking of websites, look at nerdwallet.com. They'll explain a lot of finances 101.

Do you have a bank account currently? If you don't that's going to be your first step. That social security check should be enough to get you started on one. Can't get into legal advice here, but there are rules on them and that should definitely be one of the first things you mention to APS.

Basic job applications aren't too hard. The big chains probably have applications online - usually the walmart/target types, and the major fast food chains. Smaller places may still use paper applications, so it's worth taking a walk around. For entry level jobs, a clean pair of khaki or twill pants and a polo or button-down is generally dressy enough for applications and interviews. If you have a local goodwill office you can talk to them for help too.

All good information to know. Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna call APS in like 80 minutes.

[WarKitty]

All good information to know. Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna call APS in like 80 minutes.

Good luck!

I'd make sure to mention that (1) your mother won't let you get a job, and (2) that she's controlling your social security money and you don't know what she's spending it on. Just from an outside perspective that's more concrete than a lot of other stuff. While I completely understand how awful "she takes her anger out on me by yelling" can be, it's often very subjective and it might not get as much attention. Whereas that you want to be independent and make sure you're provided for and she's actively preventing that is a fairly easy thing to establish.

[FinnLassie]

I just wanna pop into say that I appreciate all of you, seeing everyone helping and supporting one another.

[The Fury]

I just wanna pop into say that I appreciate all of you, seeing everyone helping and supporting one another.

I've been slacking on that sadly. That said, maybe I can still be of some help... I'll just go back a bit...

By the way, how's your recovery going?

Right, here goes.

Up until today, I was an interviewer on a Discord server. The server is, explicitly and purely, a safe space for lesbian and bi women to talk to one another and make friends.

My responsibility was to filter out the trolls by interviewing new members and evaluating them.

I messed up.

About five or six people joined the server (I interviewed most of them myself), acted perfectly normal for a day and a half, then posted a lot of absolutely disgusting, pornographic, gory and awful images. At least three of our members had PTSD flashbacks.

I didn't have the required permissions to delete messages; the mods had to take care of my screwup, and they had to look at the things to do it.

I apologized to everyone, quit as an interviewer (don't worry, we have others), and I won't be active on that server (or anyplace on Discord) for a while.

I just . . . so much guilt. I know those girls, I care about them, and furthermore I was supposed to protect them from this exact thing. It was my screwup that hurt them and I couldn't even fix it. I don't think I can even make it up to them.

I think I'll be hiding under blankets for the next few days.

Just . . . needed to vent, I suppose. And if anyone has advice (though I don't think there's much I can really do here), that would be appreciated too.

OK, I can't let this go-- this wasn't your fault. Some awful people tricked you, and it's probably hard to not feel guilty over it. At the end of the day, you did what you were supposed to. It's admirable that you want to take ownership of this, but those images that those users posted? You didn't do that, they did.

Unrelated, but for what it's worth, I'd like to thank you. I recall being in a pretty dark place and dealing with a lot of shame, particularly concerning my history with drawing comics. When you offered to read my comics, that made me feel... less like garbage. While I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready to show my comics to people again, I appreciate the offer and I'm sorry if I came off as rude.

Why do my flaws not make me a bad person?

Everyone has flaws. I know I do.

Your redeeming qualities might be hard for you to see, but you have them. I get the impression that you want to be a good person, that's a redeeming quality right there. Even if in your view you fall short, there's value in trying.

[FinnLassie]

By the way, how's your recovery going?

From which of my multitude of issues?

Assessment for surgery is this Friday. Not sure if I mentioned about my journey to the hospital due to a severe infection on this thread...

[The Fury]

From which of my multitude of issues?

Assessment for surgery is this Friday. Not sure if I mentioned about my journey to the hospital due to a severe infection on this thread...

I don't recall reading that. Was that related to the car accident? You'll be having orthopedic surgery, right?

I admit, I was pretty scared when I had my own surgery. It was mostly fine after it was all done though. (I'm a cyborg now! Yay, me.) So, I guess things will probably be a bit better pretty soon.

[Tvtyrant]

Hello again. On the paper, its not about needing someone to proofread it or whatever. Its more about the fact I can't motivate myself to do it. Maybe I still can, but even if I do get the mativation it faces some difficulties. I haven't done enough reading, I should have picked up more sources that the teacher reccomended, and it is a too long to rush. I'm under a sword of damocles of my own creation and it isnt an enjoyable experience.

Socialization, I know there are some things I could do to get involved in hobby stuff. The university doesnt seem to be the best venue because in theory I am a few weeks from being done there. But I guess there are other options, at the very least the local game store has MtG that I could get into again. More meaningful connections are a fools errand given the last two times I tried to change things went horribly. Maybe even three times, but that third was more a critical fumble on my part rather than an ill concieved attempt from the start.

I've realized that I am not getting enough sleep. Most nights I am up till midnight on my phone. And when I try to go to sleep earlier it doesn't go to well. I feel exhausted.

Last, Tvtyrant, yeah I live in Oregon. What do you mean by drive out to me?

I mean that social interaction and activities are important, and living in Oregon myself I am happy to meet you and play MTG/videogames, hang out, go for a walk, introduce you to some people or help out in whatever ways I can. Up to you of course.

[Kesnit]

I am a criminal defense attorney and this relates to an active case, so please understand there are some things I cannot say or explain. What I am writing is known to the prosecution, so I am not violating attorney-client privilege.

Another attorney in my office and I are representing a client charged with a very serious offense. Our client says he didn't do it, and I believe him. However, the complaining witness* is believable, and we are afraid if we go to trial, the jury will convict our client. If he is found guilty, he is facing 15-20 years in prison, as well as subsequent lifelong consequences.

The prosecution has offered us a plea deal. If he takes it, he would be out in 12-18 months (maybe less) and without the lifelong consequences. However, he would have to plead guilty. (We even discussed an Alford plea, which means he would not admit guilt, but admit there would be enough evidence to convict.)

As of last Friday, we thought our client was onboard. We knew he was hesitant, so I gave him my card and told him to call over the weekend and leave a message on my voicemail if he changed his mind. When I came in Tuesday (Monday was a holiday), there was no message, so I thought we were good to go.

Then we got to court that afternoon. In meeting with the client prior to going in front of the judge, he told us he had changed his mind. The prosecution had already released their witnesses (as we all thought he was pleading guilty), so the case had to be continued for about 2 weeks.

After that, my co-worker and I spent another hour with our client's family, trying to get them to understand why this plea is a good thing. (We'd already spent a few hours with our client doing the same thing.)

I feel horrible about this for two reasons.

First, I am encouraging someone to plead guilty (or at least, no contest) to something he didn't do. I've done it before, and I will do it again, I'm sure. I cannot ethically encourage my client not to take the deal because the consequences of each option are so drastically different. But that doesn't make me like this option, and I feel like I am giving up on my client.

Second, I fear what will happen if we do take this to trial. I'm a good attorney, and my co-counsel has over a decade of experience. But because of that, we know our chances of winning are slim - and the consequences of losing are catastrophic.

I am NOT looking for professional advice. Professionally, I know I am doing the right thing. Emotionally, this is hard.


* We're trained to not use the word "victim," as that has emotional overtones

[Liquor Box]

I am a criminal defense attorney and this relates to an active case, so please understand there are some things I cannot say or explain. What I am writing is known to the prosecution, so I am not violating attorney-client privilege.

Another attorney in my office and I are representing a client charged with a very serious offense. Our client says he didn't do it, and I believe him. However, the complaining witness* is believable, and we are afraid if we go to trial, the jury will convict our client. If he is found guilty, he is facing 15-20 years in prison, as well as subsequent lifelong consequences.

The prosecution has offered us a plea deal. If he takes it, he would be out in 12-18 months (maybe less) and without the lifelong consequences. However, he would have to plead guilty. (We even discussed an Alford plea, which means he would not admit guilt, but admit there would be enough evidence to convict.)

As of last Friday, we thought our client was onboard. We knew he was hesitant, so I gave him my card and told him to call over the weekend and leave a message on my voicemail if he changed his mind. When I came in Tuesday (Monday was a holiday), there was no message, so I thought we were good to go.

Then we got to court that afternoon. In meeting with the client prior to going in front of the judge, he told us he had changed his mind. The prosecution had already released their witnesses (as we all thought he was pleading guilty), so the case had to be continued for about 2 weeks.

After that, my co-worker and I spent another hour with our client's family, trying to get them to understand why this plea is a good thing. (We'd already spent a few hours with our client doing the same thing.)

I feel horrible about this for two reasons.

First, I am encouraging someone to plead guilty (or at least, no contest) to something he didn't do. I've done it before, and I will do it again, I'm sure. I cannot ethically encourage my client not to take the deal because the consequences of each option are so drastically different. But that doesn't make me like this option, and I feel like I am giving up on my client.

Second, I fear what will happen if we do take this to trial. I'm a good attorney, and my co-counsel has over a decade of experience. But because of that, we know our chances of winning are slim - and the consequences of losing are catastrophic.

I am NOT looking for professional advice. Professionally, I know I am doing the right thing. Emotionally, this is hard.


* We're trained to not use the word "victim," as that has emotional overtones

Your job is to help your client understand the choice before him so he can make his own decision. If he is having difficulty understanding that there is a high chance he will convicted and sentence to a lengthy term of imprisonment despite asserting his innocence, then it is the right thing to do (both professionally and morally) to belabor that point so he understands it. So long as you are not trying to influence your client in a certain direction because you fear losing at trial for your own sake (reputation, workload or whatever) you have nothing to worry about personally or professionally - you are doing the right thing.

At the end of the day it is your clients choice and the best thing you can possibly do is ensure it is an informed and educated decision.

[AMFV]

Depending on where you are Comrade, you might want to look into union trade type jobs. If you have any inclination for that sort of thing. Where I live (Southwestern Pennsylvania) they are dying for people. Like they've been sending me out on piledriving jobs cause there aren't enough apprentice piledrivers. And they're always looking for operators especially those willing to do cranes. A lot of operators won't do cranes cause it pays the same as running a hoe and is much harder.

Edit: Although only look into that if it's something you think would suit you. I know a lot of folks that would do well in those jobs that overlooked them to go to college, even I made that mistake when it was a good fit.

[Comrade]

Not sure it would-- I'm not so much looking for a 'career' at this point as just a job to make some money while I'm going to school and doing my internship so I can get a degree and find a career in my field of study. I have no exposure to trade jobs so I may be wildly off the mark, but my understanding is they're not really something you dabble in to make a little cash while going to school for a different career. Lots of respect for people who do those jobs, since they're often so physically demanding, but I don't think it's the way to go for me. I appreciate the suggestion, though.

[AMFV]

Not sure it would-- I'm not so much looking for a 'career' at this point as just a job to make some money while I'm going to school and doing my internship so I can get a degree and find a career in my field of study. I have no exposure to trade jobs so I may be wildly off the mark, but my understanding is they're not really something you dabble in to make a little cash while going to school for a different career. Lots of respect for people who do those jobs, since they're often so physically demanding, but I don't think it's the way to go for me. I appreciate the suggestion, though.

Well in the summer there are a lot of dabbling type labor jobs. They're very physical though. Again this depends on your location a lot.

[Comrade]

Well in the summer there are a lot of dabbling type labor jobs. They're very physical though. Again this depends on your location a lot.

That might be worth looking into, then. It's not the physicality I mind, just don't want to get sidetracked from the main objective, the main career I'm aiming for. Physical labour isn't a problem for me.

[2D8HP]

That might be worth looking into, then. It's not the physicality I mind, just don't want to get sidetracked from the main objective, the main career I'm aiming for. Physical labour isn't a problem for me.

While physically crippling it seems to have more opportunities for making a living without doing evil.
I strongly recommend the book: “Shop Class as Soulcraft”, if that's an option for you.

To find employment, what (years ago) worked for me was going to the library and looking under "Labor organizations"in every "Yellow pages" phonebook for areas within 50 miles, but now there's the:

California Apprenticeship Coordinators Association

To quote their site:
"A union apprenticeship is an excellent career choice if you like to work with your hands; are willing to serve an apprenticeship for up to five years, depending on the trade you select; have dexterity, mechanical ability, problem-solving skills and the ability to work collaboratively with a team; want to earn a living wage and good benefits; and want the opportunity to advance in your career"

Bless you and good luck!

[AMFV]

That might be worth looking into, then. It's not the physicality I mind, just don't want to get sidetracked from the main objective, the main career I'm aiming for. Physical labour isn't a problem for me.

Well what's the career you're aiming for?

[ve4grm]

And I've started hyper-analysing my interactions with people, which is something I haven't done in a while. You know, the ol' 'Why did I say that? Why did they say that? Why did they say it like that? I must have left a terrible impression with what I said or the way I said it. They must think I'm some kind of socially inept weirdo now'.

The isolation sucks because meeting new people and making friends is really what energises me and makes me happy, but I'm not in the mood to bother anymore. All it takes is a few instances in which every indication seemed favourable only to end up with nothing before you start to wonder if it's something you're doing that's putting out the wrong impression or if you're just cursed somehow with extraordinarily bad luck. The latter seems unlikely, but I figure it's not particularly advisable to track people down and say 'hey, so remember when you never got back to me about this or that, was that because I'm a social leper who doesn't realise how off-putting they are?' just to make sure.

Been there, man. I feel you. When my OCD and anxiety are flaring up, I can't look at it logically, and I'll obsess over tiny things I may have said to people, or they said to me, or whatever.

But let me assure you, these fears are almost completely unfounded. (I guess if the other person is obsessive as well, they might be obsessing over the same thing, but that's unlikely.)

If I may offer my own experience with the matter:

I only discovered my own OCD about 5 years back. Once I realized it, it explained a lot, and I finally had explanations for many of the stupid things I've done or said over the years that I couldn't get over (and why I couldn't get over them in the first place). Now that I had a name for it, and an explanation for it, I started talking with friends and explaining the off-putting things I had done in the past, in the hopes that they would either forgive or understand them.

None of them remembered the instances I was obsessing over.

Not. A. One.

Even one old friend who, because of this instance, I ended up changing the nature of our relationship for a number of years. He didn't even remember what had happened, while I can recall every moment clear as day.

It is in people's nature to disregard weird things that got said. And even if they remember them, it is in people's nature to forgive them.

As for why you're not getting much response from your attempts to connect - it's unfortunately also in people's nature to be horrifically bad at keeping in touch.

-

So no, I don't recommend calling people up and asking them about the instances you're anxious about. I guarantee they've probably forgotten about it, anyways.
But I do recommend getting in touch and trying again, asking if they want to do something, just as you would if nothing had happened. They likely didn't mean to go incommunicado, and will appreciate an invitation to spend time together.

Good luck!

[Comrade]

Well what's the career you're aiming for?

Something in the field of political science.

It is in people's nature to disregard weird things that got said. And even if they remember them, it is in people's nature to forgive them.

That's true, I just worry that eventually it'll turn into an accretion of little missteps that may not stick out in the memory but will contribute to a generally negative impression of me.

But I do recommend getting in touch and trying again, asking if they want to do something, just as you would if nothing had happened. They likely didn't mean to go incommunicado, and will appreciate an invitation to spend time together.

I've considered hitting up a couple of folks I hung out with last quarter and went to dinner/lunch with a few times. But aside from the occasional 'like' on Facebook they've made no contact with me and I'm wary of adding another to the list of times I got left hanging. Not sure if the possibility of things panning out for once outweighs the possibility of yet another embarrassing miscommunication for me to look back on and think 'well, that sucked, I shouldn't bother anymore'.

[ve4grm]

I've considered hitting up a couple of folks I hung out with last quarter and went to dinner/lunch with a few times. But aside from the occasional 'like' on Facebook they've made no contact with me and I'm wary of adding another to the list of times I got left hanging. Not sure if the possibility of things panning out for once outweighs the possibility of yet another embarrassing miscommunication for me to look back on and think 'well, that sucked, I shouldn't bother anymore'.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

I would suggest, rather than just asking them to dinner/lunch, try to make it something they're interested in, preferably something they might do anyways. This will give you something to bond over, and also make it more likely that the person will fight apathy and make time for it.

Other than that, I can't give much more advice than to keep trying. I personally needed it drilled into my head by multiple good encounters, before I began to realize it was only me obsessing over these things.