Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Glass Mouse]

So my question is this. How can I lose a reasonable amount of weight healthily, considering the direction my mind wants to take me in?

I'm wondering, since you have a history of going completely black-or-white, maybe you could harness that discipline in a constructive way?

I mean, something like "don't eat at all outside of scheduled meal times" (to reduce unnecessary snacking) or "no fast food whatsoever" (obvious) or "no candy at all" (also obvious) or "eat a carrot every 3 hours" (to ensure you manage to eat, and also that your blood sugar doesn't plummet) or whatever helps. The specific rule is gonna depend a lot on what you're most struggling with.

If the problem is eating when bored, I also heartily recommend replacing food with something like gum or a cup of tea or, hell, doing a small workout or writing a haiku or anything that can occupy the food. The trick is to pick something you don't have to consider or make any choices about - just do the thing until it becomes habit. The habit thing is also why I suggest eating at specific times or intervals, so you train your body to feel hunger only/mostly at those times.

Also, a quick link to the current health and fitness thread on this forum, if you wanna talk progress on the way.

[Metalicana]

I would like to lose some weight. Just a little bit - just enough that there aren't folds in my belly. I also want to get a little more exercise on a regular basis, so those things can probably go hand in hand.

It all sounds okay so far, but I have one or two concerns. Spoilered for . . . I don't know, in case someone doesn't want to see the whole thing.

Spoiler: skipping a lot of meals for bad reasons

Show

First of all, I don't want any of you to be too concerned about this. It's really not a serious problem, nor anywhere close to any disorder that I've read about.

I started skipping meals when I was eleven. I could usually go about two days without eating, simply because my family doesn't eat together every night. When I had to eat supper, I took as little as possible and felt terrible until I got hungry again - I'm sure you get the idea. I think four days was the longest I managed to restrict myself to water, tea and milk.

I never counted pounds or calories. Frankly, I didn't know much about calories. I just went by how skinny/"bloated" I was, or I perceived myself to be.

I started to come to my senses around age fourteen. I was often too dizzy to participate in karate class, and that joined forces with some other changes in my life to serve as a wake-up call. It's been two years now of trying not to avoid food like it's something dangerous to me. The temptation hasn't really gone away, and I did fall back into it during my last relationship.

Here's the thing: I went from eating far too little to eating a bit too much, in an uncontrolled manner: a lot of the time, I'll eat when I'm not hungry, out of habit or stress. Thus, I have folds in my belly, stretch marks on my thighs, and a chubby face that I just hate. These things are all making me want to skip all the meals even though I know that's not the healthiest way to drop a few pounds - and it certainly won't help me find healthy eating habits in the long run.

So my question is this. How can I lose a reasonable amount of weight healthily, considering the direction my mind wants to take me in?

Don't eat less, eat the same amout you did but with healthy food.

Just think about it? What is fat? Fat is a energetic reserve your body keeps aroudn in case you need.

If you stop eating your body will go "Crap we are facing food shortage! Save all the energy and fat we can" so it will accomplish the opposite of your plane, because when you do eat your body will save as much as it can.

So you have to keep eating to show your body that you have food, but you need to eat healthy food so it won't have more nutrients and less bad things.

Skipping all meals will not be a fast way to make you lose few pounds it will make your body keep even more fat.

And exercisse just check with every single psycologist, scientist and doctor and they will tell you how many benefits exercising cause. It has no contraindication.

You don't need to join a gym, unless you also want to get buff, you can just do it at home or do a sport, it's nice, it's plesurable and healthy.

Just wait until you start reciving that Serotonin and dopamine!

[AuthorGirl]

I really was not expecting such quick responses! Thank you to everybody.

It seems like a good first step would be to actually get some vegetables in the house, so I'll talk to my parents about that. And I'll definitely take a look at the weight loss thread - thanks, @Glass Mouse.

[Tvtyrant]

I would like to lose some weight. Just a little bit - just enough that there aren't folds in my belly. I also want to get a little more exercise on a regular basis, so those things can probably go hand in hand.

It all sounds okay so far, but I have one or two concerns. Spoilered for . . . I don't know, in case someone doesn't want to see the whole thing.

Spoiler: skipping a lot of meals for bad reasons

Show

First of all, I don't want any of you to be too concerned about this. It's really not a serious problem, nor anywhere close to any disorder that I've read about.

I started skipping meals when I was eleven. I could usually go about two days without eating, simply because my family doesn't eat together every night. When I had to eat supper, I took as little as possible and felt terrible until I got hungry again - I'm sure you get the idea. I think four days was the longest I managed to restrict myself to water, tea and milk.

I never counted pounds or calories. Frankly, I didn't know much about calories. I just went by how skinny/"bloated" I was, or I perceived myself to be.

I started to come to my senses around age fourteen. I was often too dizzy to participate in karate class, and that joined forces with some other changes in my life to serve as a wake-up call. It's been two years now of trying not to avoid food like it's something dangerous to me. The temptation hasn't really gone away, and I did fall back into it during my last relationship.

Here's the thing: I went from eating far too little to eating a bit too much, in an uncontrolled manner: a lot of the time, I'll eat when I'm not hungry, out of habit or stress. Thus, I have folds in my belly, stretch marks on my thighs, and a chubby face that I just hate. These things are all making me want to skip all the meals even though I know that's not the healthiest way to drop a few pounds - and it certainly won't help me find healthy eating habits in the long run.

So my question is this. How can I lose a reasonable amount of weight healthily, considering the direction my mind wants to take me in?

What is your living situation? Can you divest your home of high calorie foods?

Because you can go a long way by simply cooking everything yourself. I do Keto (booo! hiss!), and two of the largest benefits are having to make most of my own food and having to look at the actual food labels.

I'm not going to try to sell people on low carb stuff, but I think cooking everything yourself is a good strategy.

Want cake? You have to make it from scratch (not even from box, from actual scratch). Then you can make the decision on how much cake to make hours ahead of the desire to binge on it, and if you feel the desire to eat more then a normal portion you have to bake a new cake.

The raw foods that you can eat without prep are usually very healthy; fruits, vegetables, and nuts.

[sktarq]

a few things on the weight issue

Don't focus on the scale - the difference between muscle and fat density can really skew with your views about how you are doing.

and yes you can over exercise, which is about what you need in order to eat "whatever you what". I do not recommend this. It can be a whole set of problems. Just use moderation...moderate exercise and moderate diet.


So solutions

Replace calorie dense foods (like candy, crisps, etc) with fresh or dehydrated veggies. Interesting textures varied tastes etc can help keep this interesting

Try to steam or dry grill veggies instead of frying them. And minimize fried food in general, the oil is a massive carrier that gives you little else.

if you like dressings etc see if you can find something like olive oil and vinegar as many store bought condiments are so packed with fat and sugar having a salad is basically no longer a "diet" option. And it can be just as tasty without it.

keep up the karate and work up a moderate exercise routine. A morning stretch/jogging setup perhaps.

Set up a eating time. Eat breakfast every day for example. This actually helps the body not get into the "must store for bad times" setup which is useful. Also it will help you avoiding skipping meals and going entirely without.

learn to cook as much as you can. Prepared food from the freezer is packed with unnecessary fats, sugars, and massive loads of salt. Also once you master the basics cooking can be fun and you can have simple healthy food very quickly. Like grab a six pack of chicken breasts and with a small pat of butter or oil and some herbs load them in the oven for twenty min. You can then save five of them for sandwiches or dinner in the fridge. Besides being able to help with dinner is probably going to be well received by your parents, sell it as wanting to be independent, life skills etc.

[Tvtyrant]

a few things on the weight issue

Don't focus on the scale - the difference between muscle and fat density can really skew with your views about how you are doing.

and yes you can over exercise, which is about what you need in order to eat "whatever you what". I do not recommend this. It can be a whole set of problems. Just use moderation...moderate exercise and moderate diet.


So solutions

Replace calorie dense foods (like candy, crisps, etc) with fresh or dehydrated veggies. Interesting textures varied tastes etc can help keep this interesting

Try to steam or dry grill veggies instead of frying them. And minimize fried food in general, the oil is a massive carrier that gives you little else.

if you like dressings etc see if you can find something like olive oil and vinegar as many store bought condiments are so packed with fat and sugar having a salad is basically no longer a "diet" option. And it can be just as tasty without it.

keep up the karate and work up a moderate exercise routine. A morning stretch/jogging setup perhaps.

Set up a eating time. Eat breakfast every day for example. This actually helps the body not get into the "must store for bad times" setup which is useful. Also it will help you avoiding skipping meals and going entirely without.

learn to cook as much as you can. Prepared food from the freezer is packed with unnecessary fats, sugars, and massive loads of salt. Also once you master the basics cooking can be fun and you can have simple healthy food very quickly. Like grab a six pack of chicken breasts and with a small pat of butter or oil and some herbs load them in the oven for twenty min. You can then save five of them for sandwiches or dinner in the fridge. Besides being able to help with dinner is probably going to be well received by your parents, sell it as wanting to be independent, life skills etc.

Pretty much this post. Eating regularly with healthy foods is much better then eating infrequently with unhealthy foods.

[AMFV]

To answer more fully, now that I'm back at home.

Losing weight is pretty much a matter of eating less calories and burning more. You can burn more by doing exercise, and you can have less in your body by eating less, or eating different things. Unfortunately the only real way to know how much you're eating and burning is to do a combination of carefully weighing and prepping your food, and carefully weighing yourself, while paying attention to things like how your water retention is going, if you're feeling heavy that day, and generally tracking over about a span of about a week.

That is really time consuming, like enormously time consuming, so if you're willing to devote that time, that's the best way to do it. I have NEVER met anybody who was not a bodybuilding competitor who could do that long-term, I've met people who were able to do it short term, or somewhat do it, but generally speaking you're looking at about an hour or so of work a day minimum on just food stuff and tracking food as well as timing meals, that's more than most people are willing to put in, and that's before you've added exercise.

If you aren't able to track well, half-assing is pretty reasonable, as long as you're close (usually within 500 calories plus or minus) you'll probably see some results. Generally to lose a pound of fat, the rule of thumb is that you need to have a deficit of 3,500 calories. This isn't technically exactly correct, but it's a good rule of thumb. So if you're losing about a pound a week, you can reasonably assume that you probably have a caloric deficit of around 700 calories a day. Either through exercise or through diet.

If you can't even half-ass the tracking, there are a lot of things you can do. Like cutting out soda, cutting out whatever, eating only at certain times, stopping eating at 5 PM, 7 PM, 2 PM, whatever. Those are all basically just caloric restrictions in the end. That's what they actually wind up being, it's not magic. It's just that if you stop drinking soda and you drink 3 sodas a day, there's your 700 calorie deficit. If you normally eat from 8 AM to 9 PM, and you don't eat as much at work, if you stop eating and snacking when you get home, you will generally speaking consume less calories. So that sort of method is basically a way to cheat around measuring, I mean there's some stuff to be said for Intermittent Fasting, but it's really mostly that you can't eat the same caloric load in the short amount of time you're allowed. And even if you could shove that into your mouth, your body can't deal with it and will have to expel more of it. So more nutrient rich poops.

The other factor you want to consider is how rapidly you want to lose the weight. Generally speaking the more rapidly you lose weight, the more your weight loss will involve catabolic burning of muscle and sweating out of water. Which is not what most people want. 2 lbs per week is pretty nearly an absolute maximum in terms of not wanting to be losing a bunch of water and muscle for most people who are not grossly overweight. The challenge here is that losing 1 lb a week is not incredibly noticeable, so it's harder to maintain your cutting period since you won't be seeing drastic improvements until probably week 8-12, depending on your current weight.

My recommendation is to find some sort of activity you enjoy, first of all. That's the first key to making the exercise more palatable, and figure out what kind of work you need to do to get your body into the physical condition you'd need to excel at it, that way you've got other areas of focus that aren't just body fat percentage and the scale. If you're worried however about anorexia, I would actually recommend doing a more intense focus on it. Like do the bodybuilder/fitness model thing, that way you'll know with very good accuracy that you aren't starving yourself, which is easier to do with systems where you aren't paying as close attention than it is if you are.

[factotum]

This is mistaken.

There are 500 calories in a 100 gm bar of chocolate. That's two hours of hard running. There just isn't time in the day to do the exercise that would let you eat whatever

I love the way pretty much everyone who responded to my post has ignored the critical part "SO LONG AS YOU'RE BURNING MORE CALORIES THAN YOU'RE EATING". Diet alone doesn't work well to lose weight because your body adapts to the reduced calorie intake by burning fewer calories, so you have to force it to not do that by exercising.

[Tvtyrant]

I love the way pretty much everyone who responded to my post has ignored the critical part "SO LONG AS YOU'RE BURNING MORE CALORIES THAN YOU'RE EATING". Diet alone doesn't work well to lose weight because your body adapts to the reduced calorie intake by burning fewer calories, so you have to force it to not do that by exercising.

You also have a metabolic level to maintain a certain body weight that can't be tricked away. For instance my total daily energy expenditure (or TDEE) was 4000 calories without excercise at my heaviest, and is about 2800 now.

Depending on how overweight someone is, just cutting high calorie foods can get them under their TDEE. It takes a lot of healthy food to hit 4000 calories, but it is breathtakingly easy with poptarts and peanut butter.

[AMFV]

I love the way pretty much everyone who responded to my post has ignored the critical part "SO LONG AS YOU'RE BURNING MORE CALORIES THAN YOU'RE EATING". Diet alone doesn't work well to lose weight because your body adapts to the reduced calorie intake by burning fewer calories, so you have to force it to not do that by exercising.

Diet alone works just fine. The issue is if you want to continue losing weight at the same rate indefinitely. Generally the only way the body will adapt in the way you're describing is if you allow it to have a significantly reduced activity. Otherwise if you're still doing the same activity you'll burn about the same calories, provided you're at about the same weight.

Like say that somebody walks for about 5,000 steps a day for their daily life without any adjustment. If that person is 280 lbs, that's going to require a lot more caloric energy to make happen than if that same person is 140 lbs. So that's the adaptation, but "starvation mode" and stuff like that are mostly just buzzwords. The thing people have problems with is accurately tracking things and being honest more often than not.

So the only way your body is going to "adapt" is if you're actually losing weight. Because otherwise it will require the same amount of energy to do the same things. Now you can get some adaptation in terms of getting more efficient at doing things, but you're probably already quite efficient at your daily routine, which is most of what actually comprises your TDEE.

But if you're staying at the same weight, you're not going to "adapt" and have yourself suddenly gain or lose weight if your intake is the same.

You also have a metabolic level to maintain a certain body weight that can't be tricked away. For instance my total daily energy expenditure (or TDEE) was 4000 calories without excercise at my heaviest, and is about 2800 now.

Depending on how overweight someone is, just cutting high calorie foods can get them under their TDEE. It takes a lot of healthy food to hit 4000 calories, but it is breathtakingly easy with poptarts and peanut butter.

I don't know there are definitely some calorically dense "healthy" foods.

[halfeye]

I don't know there are definitely some calorically dense "healthy" foods.

That's marketing for you.

[dehro]

My SO is el overweight/obese and is now on a diet couples with mandatory physical exercise. This was a result of a consultation with an endocrinologist (we're trying for a baby). The two things however are not enough oh their own. In her case her blood levels suggest she is at pre-diabetes stage, meaning her body produces high levels of sugar and insuline which contribute to her weight gain and counter the effects of diet and sports. So she's also taking pills to reduce her body's production of the excess stuff that's holding her back.
My point here is that there are many factors contributing to one's weight balance and some of these factors may be invisible to the naked eye. Have some blood works done and if there's any number in there that's not within average expected value, talk to a physician.
Other than that physical activity and a proper diet (or simply a healthy food regimen) can both work. Ideally a balanced combination of the two should be your best option. Easier ways to move in the right direction include removing excess sweets and junk food from your diet, limiting unregulated snacks, taking your time to eat and properly chew your food, preferably focusing on your rating rather than, for example, a TV screen or other secondary activity. Maybe get yourself a steps tracker that tells you how much physical activity you do daily. If you need something from a shop nearby, walk to it instead of going by car.
Take the stairs instead of elevators. It you find yourself stress eating, grab an apple over a less healthy option.
Track what you eat, measure the portions. If you have a decent idea of how to balance your diet you can consider, once a week to limit your calorie intake to a fixed, small, number of calories.. occasionally allow yourself a cheat day but stay rigorous on every other day. All of these things can help, or any combo that best suits your lifestyle.
If you don't live alone, involve other people in your efforts. A healthy diet could benefit them too. Having a buddy to team up with can help you keeping yourself in check... And if whoever is doing the grocery run is involved in your efforts, the quality of the ingredients they'll bring home is bound to improve. If budget is an issue, check the internet. There are plenty of cheap yet healthy recipes to be found.

[AMFV]

That's marketing for you.

The point is that there are foods that are good for you that are calorie rich. A food's health is NOT determined by it's number of calories. Coconut oil for example is pretty healthy, but it's extremely calorie dense.

[halfeye]

The point is that there are foods that are good for you that are calorie rich.

Depending on what you mean by "good". If you are starving, but past the initial "can't eat rich foods because your stomach isn't adjusted for it", calorie rich is good, otherwise, often not.

A food's health is NOT determined by it's number of calories.

That depends, I believe for diabetic people, it pretty much is.

Coconut oil for example is pretty healthy, but it's extremely calorie dense.

It's full of fat, and saturated fat at that if I remember rightly.

Due to its high levels of saturated fat, the World Health Organization, the United States Department of Health and Human Services, United States Food and Drug Administration, American Heart Association, American Dietetic Association, British National Health Service, British Nutrition Foundation, and Dietitians of Canada advise that coconut oil consumption should be limited or avoided.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconut_oil

There are some calories in protein, but we need protein for it's amino acids not its calories.

There are more calories in sugars, and not much else.

There are about twice as many calories in fats as there are in sugars, per unit weight, we need a little fat, but not much.

[Tvtyrant]

Okay, to clarify my point: Vegetables, meat, fruit and nuts tend to have higher satiation and lower caloric contents then processed foods. Coconut oil/butter and peanut butter are both healthy in small amounts but have high calories, are processed and have low satiation points.

The trick is to pick high satiation, low calorie foods. Some people can simply stop themselves at any time like my workout partner, so the difference is meaningless to them, but myself I tend to eat until I am full so I aim for foods that protect me from the consequences of that.

[AMFV]

Depending on what you mean by "good". If you are starving, but past the initial "can't eat rich foods because your stomach isn't adjusted for it", calorie rich is good, otherwise, often not.

Well that depends on what your health goals are. If you're underweight and are having problems eating enough calories, then caloricly dense food is pretty good. Or if you're wanting to gain muscle and size.

That depends, I believe for diabetic people, it pretty much is.

Diabetic people are fine with fatty foods. And are also fine with protein rich foods. All of which can be calorie dense. I mean a steak is pretty dense and isn't a problem for diabetic people.

It's full of fat, and saturated fat at that if I remember rightly.

Not exactly, it's it's own unique kind of fat.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconut_oil

There are some calories in protein, but we need protein for it's amino acids not its calories.

There are more calories in sugars, and not much else.

There are about twice as many calories in fats as there are in sugars, per unit weight, we need a little fat, but not much.

You need calories for a lot of applications. You need calories to keep yourself having energy. If you're larger you need more energy.

[dehro]

Is there a point to this debate that is of any use for the person with the dietary conundrum?

[AMFV]

Is there a point to this debate that is of any use for the person with the dietary conundrum?

Of course! The point is that all dietary topics are intensely full of arguments by super opinionated people.

Edit: Which a thoroughly good thing to know going into looking at that.

[INoKnowNames]

I need somewhere to vent. I absolutely despise myself for wanting to. I feel like my problems are as nothing to others, and that I should be able to just deal with things. And for the most part, I am trying to take them a bit at a time. But I adore roleplaying on this forum, and if I want to keep doing so, I need to air out my concerns. People don't have to accept why I've been gone, but I want to be able to point out at least why. Maybe that will help me deal with the nasty pit of guilt in my stomach when I consider all that I've missed.

My Birth Great Grandmother, who's admittedly lived a fairly long life, and who I'd only gotten to know a couple of times, died last month. I just got back from staying with my Birth Family to go to her service, at the request of my Birth-Mother (since she, her mother and aunt have all been -devastated-). I'm still feeling guilty about the fact that, because her dementia was so bad and she had been struggling for so long, I was actively praying for her to die, just to ease things up on everyone else. She'd been trapped within her own corpse for so long, and I recognized that because it was the same when my adoptive Grandmother started to go. It's easier on everyone, in a sense, that she's passed. Yet at the same time, that's me having wished death on another person in my life, let alone a family member, and still bitterly regretting that if I'd been more mature, I could have had more time with this section of my family. How much could I have spent knowing her, and her me, or memories could have been forged with them as a group, before her passing?

At the same time as I love my maternal family, I despise the idea of my paternal side. The bastard who spawned me did so while my birth-mom was already in the middle of another relationship, and I've never thought proudly of him for it, or to find out that he'd kept going. I'm one of 6 different children through his genes, and I'm both curious and disgusted by it, if I were to nail the feeling down now. So the idea of that man wanting to talk to me, to possibly reconnect after all this time, fills me with a mixture of dread and anxiety.

I also despise him because it turns out he passed down ARVD to his kids. We were unsure for a while, when one of my half-brothers (my birth-mom is keeping track of things in case I ever change my mind about that side of my family) almost lost his job and life over it. But after his "parents" got tested, we can confirm that it was on his "father"'s side, and thus now all of his wayward spawn need to be tested. So there's a 66% chance that my blood is ****ing toxic, either carrying something horrible I shouldn't pass on, or something that might cause me to die before I ever get the chance. Which only strengthens that resentment.

At the same time, how am I to not give someone a chance for potential reconciliation? My adoptive father has been emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive to me in the past. To the point where I've called the Domestic Abuse Hotline before, just to weigh options, as well as having informed work about it. There have been one or two points where only a family intervention from my (I say adoptive, but she's my -primary-) Mom has kept me from moving out and putting a restraining order on him. The love of my life has hated him ever since I came to her crying about him having tried choking the life out of me. The fact that Mom moved out after divorcing him and I'm still stuck with him for now certainly isn't helping, as it takes a lot to not snap at him that he was the one who drove her away (particularly when he was).
Yet he's tried to improve things. He's tried to be more learning and understanding. He's tried to improve himself, to listen more, to stop resorting to rage when things don't go his way. And he's come from stock 10 times worse than I have. How do I not give him a chance to keep trying to be my father? How do I deny one, but not the other? If I seek redemption for my own -many- mistakes, is it wrong for me to deny either of them, even when people around me say that either or both don't deserve my concern? Do I blame him for driving my mother away through their divorce, or my spawner for my bastard existence? Do I let bygones be bygones either way? If I don't make a decision, the way people are living so far, I might end up having life decide for me to not be able to take that chance, and I might regret it forever....

As an aside, Mom and Dad are divorced, Birth-Mom's getting divorced (and I fear for my Birth-Half-Sister growing up between her own parents), my brother's having relationship problems, and my sister and her husband are having problems with their own unruly children. As much as I've always wished I might grow up and be a dad one day, I fear my children, if I ever get lucky enough to find someone to accept my feelings and start a family with, might grow up with the same questions of their roots that I've always had. The idea of them asking me how and why about their ancestry, along side remembering being told by bullies that I would do the world a favor if I got sterilized and thinking in light of things that they might have had an unintentional point, actually drove me into a panic attack at work.

Outside of my immediately family is a different health concern. I'm -hoping- I don't have any complex regarding my body, because everyone's remarked that I'm eating far less than I should be, and we found out that some chest-pains I'd been having (which were enough for me to have called out of work one day), which I'd be attributing to stress (that'd been mounting to the point of nightmares), turns out to possibly be because of my diet. I tell myself it's okay to eat -around- 2000 calories if I burn only slightly more than that.... even as I refuse to acknowledge that, because of my job, I'm burning regularly 4.5 to 5000 calories every weekday, and that's not including me trying to do my job while wearing weighted clothing. So I've no idea if I'm eating -way- too little, or if weight-loss is just going to stay difficult.

My best friend (and most important person in the world, above even the entirety of everyone in my extended family; her position as that person is its own kettle of fish, though at least she is tolerant of my unrequited feelings for her) has recently suffered 2 losses herself, and may be experiencing another one. And I can't do too much to help console her because I'm a mix-breed in one of the most racist parts of the country, and her family looks down on my kind. All I can do is support her, urging her to keep up taking care of her own mental health, and to move out/get a better job as soon as she can, since her housing and her employment are quite problematic.

I'm also adjusting to new hours at work. Which isn't the worst thing in the world, and I'm happy my job doesn't want me gone period, and I'll probably be more safe in the slightly new position I'm in, but the sleep schedule adjustment is gonna take a bit before I'm used to going to sleep at 9 am and waking up at 3 pm. (As an aside, how many hours of sleep can I maintain and stay healthy? I hope 6 hours is enough...). Here's hoping I can keep balancing my various financial responsibilities: Rent, Student Loans, Car Bill, Phone Bill, Groceries, and trying to put money aside for various projects. A stable job certainly helps with that...

Quite frankly, the fact that I'm not suicidal again is its own miracle. I've been fighting as hard as I can to at least maintain proper life. I've had to download an application just to keep reminding me to brush and floss and such multiple times a day, and to otherwise maintain a normal person's schedule. Chronic ADHD (to the point of fighting for the right to use music while I work to help me focus like I did in school; the job's been kinda questionable about it, but mostly because other people block out the entire world in the process), Clinical Depression (I've had to try many times to keep myself from overdosing on the medicine cabinet, and pull over when the desire to drive into traffic starts to rear up), and Chronic Anxiety (just today at work, I helped sell a bunch of items to a couple of customers, and the fact that they walked out without a tool-set, despite selling 9 out of the 10 or so things they wanted, made me suddenly feel like the biggest failure despite my absolute fear of other people) have made me struggle -so- much so far. Here's hoping that airing this out will let me keep playing on here, which is one of my favorite types of escapism, which in and of itself helps me keep going, at least one step at a time.

So yeah. Rambled a bit. Mostly wanted to make a post I could put in my sig, so I could explain more easily what's been going on recently. I don't expect anyone I've left waiting to put up with me. I'm not justifying my disappearance. But I'd like to at least explain it.

[ve4grm]

I need somewhere to vent. I absolutely despise myself for wanting to. I feel like my problems are as nothing to others, and that I should be able to just deal with things.

That's bull, man. Everybody needs to vent sometimes, and everybody needs help sometimes. You're not a failure for it, you're just human.

Birth Great Grandmother ... wished death ... etc

As someone who has lost two grandparents to dementia, one of which had a long, protracted battle with it, let me just say that there is nothing wrong or immature here. Dementia is a hell that nobody should have to endure, and wishing for her to be free of that situation is merely wishing for mercy.

There's also nothing wrong with your family's reaction. Since they knew her for much longer, it makes sense that they'll grieve more.

When my grandma (who had the long battle with dementia) passed away, I didn't cry. I'd already been grieving for her for 7 years. The end was, frankly, a release.

So don't think you're awful for not being sad. You're merely glad she got the mercy she needed.

Birth dad

Nobody is owed your love, or your forgiveness. If you are not able to reconnect with him right now, that's fine, and he needs to respect that. You may be ready to do so one day, or you may not.

Instead of trying to reconnect with him as a father figure, bringing him actually into your life, etc, you might try for the goal of "have a civil conversation" instead? This might be an easier middle ground, where you can still talk to him and get medical information that you might need, etc, but not be expected to accept him as a family member or anything.

But maybe that isn't possible, or at least isn't possible now. That's fine. It's not always healthy to reconnect with someone like that. If you have a therapist (I know a lot of adoptive kids get therapy sessions, but it probably depends on your jurisdiction), I'd recommend discussing the situation with them. They could advise you better.

abusive adoptive dad

Right, one main question - do you live with him? Is it viable to move in with your adoptive mom instead? Staying with the abusive parent seems like it's not the best option, even if you do reconcile...

Again, nobody is owed your love or forgiveness. This goes double if the person abused you. You can let him try to redeem himself, but I'd still advise doing so from a distance (moving in with mom, as I said above).

For both of your fathers, just remember that reconciliation can be a long, slow process. Emotions are complicated things, and these things can't be rushed. Take your time, and move forward only when it's right for you.

divorce, health, family dynamics, starting a family

Regarding health issues, especially as an adopted child yourself, I might suggest looking at adoption for your own children? I'm personally doing the same with my wife, due to health concerns in our own families, and I'm glad we decided to do so.

If your kids ask about your family history, be truthful. You don't need to tell them all the gory details, but "your grandfather wasn't a very nice person, and he left your grandmother" covers it well enough, and is still honest.

health and eating

I don't have the information available, but there are maximums of what is healthy to burn per day for weight loss. If you burn way way more than what you're taking in, it can actually backfire, as your body begins to believe it's starving and starts storing more fat to make sure you don't die.

Additionally, if you burn too much fat, you can start to burn away muscle as well, as the muscles aren't getting the calories they need to stay healthy.

I'd really recommend talking with a doctor, and getting their recommendations for how much you should be eating, but a 3000 calorie deficit each day is unlikely to be good for you.

My best friend ... All I can do is support her, urging her to keep up taking care of her own mental health, and to move out/get a better job as soon as she can, since her housing and her employment are quite problematic.

Good. This is likely what she needs most from you - emotional support. Just remember that everything you're doing for her? Do it for yourself, too. It can be easy to neglect self-care while helping console someone else.

anxiety

Anxiety's a bitch, and anxiety lies. I hope you get some things sorted and start doing better, man. Good luck!

[WarKitty]

Mom called me 2 days ago to say that dad was screaming at her and out of control and he wouldn't quit and she slapped him because he wouldn't quit and she was afraid.

Those of you who've read my stories about my mother can probably figure out what I'm thinking actually happened.

Sorry for quoting myself, but I think this might have gotten lost in the shuffle of diet talk.

I'm honestly...I doubt there's much anyone can say about what I could do, but I could use a bit of encouragement right now.

[OACSNY97]

Sorry for quoting myself, but I think this might have gotten lost in the shuffle of diet talk.

I'm honestly...I doubt there's much anyone can say about what I could do, but I could use a bit of encouragement right now.

Hi WarKitty,

Hugs? I'm sorry your family is going through another round of the drama.

Any chance you can convince your dad to spend some time way from your mom, even for a weekend?

One idea for a cheap vacation might be asking him to go camping with you at your local state park or national forest. A lot of state parks have cheap, as in <$40/night and some national forests let you camp free.

Good luck and I hope you and your dad can work something out.

[WarKitty]

Hi WarKitty,

Hugs? I'm sorry your family is going through another round of the drama.

Any chance you can convince your dad to spend some time way from your mom, even for a weekend?

One idea for a cheap vacation might be asking him to go camping with you at your local state park or national forest. A lot of state parks have cheap, as in <$40/night and some national forests let you camp free.

Good luck and I hope you and your dad can work something out.

It's surprisingly hard to make plans without getting my mom involved.

I'm honestly afraid in large part because it seems to be escalating. And my mom is kind of good at making herself out to be the victim.

[OACSNY97]

It's surprisingly hard to make plans without getting my mom involved.

I'm honestly afraid in large part because it seems to be escalating. And my mom is kind of good at making herself out to be the victim.

Oh, boy...

Making plans- is there any activity that you and your dad find interesting that your mom finds boring or can't stand?

Regarding the rest of the situation-
I'm guessing your dad won't/can't try recording some these interactions just to protect himself?

WarKitty, I'm not sure if I have anything else useful to add, but you're welcome to PM me.

[Jormengand]

Spoiler: TW: Abuse, bullying, genocide, suicide

Show

So I decided to come out openly as a NOMAP (non-offending minor-attracted person).

Never before have I had quite so many people saying they want to exterminate us, that we're a disease that needs to be eradicated, telling me to kill myself, and blaming me for a crime I never actually committed!

I've been able to keep my cool (mostly) and respond with kindness so far, but... goddammit, it sucks. At least by the end of this all I'm going to know who my real friends are.

[Jormengand]

Spoiler

Show

For what it's worth - we still like you (and I kind of figured that out a dozen posts ago).

It's morning and I haven't had coffee so I don't have anything more brilliant to say, other than "be careful."

I did wonder if it was getting obvious - it's also very blatant if you've been following anything I've been doing in the CHALLENGE thread. But there we go.

I'm glad you still like me. I quite like you too, and for some reason I was kinda getting paranoid that you hated me probably because I'm paranoid that like everyone hates me.

Some of the abuse I received, from one person:

Spoiler: TW as above so below, also mention of Nazis

Show

"People like you do not deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. Your desire is abhorrent and disgusting and honestly I would be overjoyed if all the potential child sexual abusers were wiped off the planet. A disease."
"Inventing a new little name for your disgusting community still makes you nothing more than paedophiles. You are all guilty."
"If you don't want people to call you the scourge of the earth, maybe go... pretend you're not a disgrace... Take it to your grave. Two people you don't mind being beaten up on the street - Nazis and paedophiles."
"I honestly could not give a **** if you're bawling in deep pain at your obviously unchallenged desire being dragged in the dirt. You're disgusting, you're a paedophile, and you should feel bad."

But hey, I've only been blocked by four people so far: that's fewer than I honestly expected!

[Liquor Box]

Spoiler: TW: Abuse, bullying, genocide, suicide

Show

So I decided to come out openly as a NOMAP (non-offending minor-attracted person).

Never before have I had quite so many people saying they want to exterminate us, that we're a disease that needs to be eradicated, telling me to kill myself, and blaming me for a crime I never actually committed!

I've been able to keep my cool (mostly) and respond with kindness so far, but... goddammit, it sucks. At least by the end of this all I'm going to know who my real friends are.

Can I please ask, hopefully in a non-offensive way (because I appreciate that you cannot help who your attracted to), what is the difference between a nomap and a non-offending paedophile? Is it just that you prefer the acronym because it carries less stigma?

[Mith]

Can I please ask, hopefully in a non-offensive way (because I appreciate that you cannot help who your attracted to), what is the difference between a nomap and a non-offending paedophile? Is it just that you prefer the acronym because it carries less stigma?

While Jormangand can answer with more personal reasons, looking into it for a community perspective, the difference can range from the stigma to the fact that paedophile is a specific subgroup of the MAP category.

[Cozzer]

@Jormengand: I don't actually know you, but I know these two things are truth: you can't control what you feel about things or what you're attracted to, and it's stupid to blame someone for things they can't control. So yeah, I can't even imagine how elated the wannabe-vigilantes of the web must be at having such an easy target, but I hope you can keep these two things firm in your head.

@WarKitty: Stay strong, and as far from your mother as it's physically possible. This too will pass.

[factotum]

@Jormengand: I don't actually know you, but I know these two things are truth: you can't control what you feel about things or what you're attracted to, and it's stupid to blame someone for things they can't control.

It sounds like Jormengand is exerting enough control to class himself as "non-offending", and that sounds absolutely fine to me--I don't see why anyone should have a problem with that. If the urges were literally beyond his control then *that* would be a problem, IMHO.