Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Mith]

So the vulnerable girl was attacked again today, and got drunk off her face to try to forget about it. Now I'm sitting on the other end of Messenger wondering what to do, or what to say. I know how to save the life of someone who's bleeding out in front of me, but I have no idea how to save the life of someone who's being abused a couple of hundred miles away. I'm just sitting here, powerless to do much but try to comfort her. Knowing that something is essentially out of your hands, but having just enough ability to influence the result that you feel forced to spend time doing so, is a horrible feeling - you're obliged to focus on something that you can barely influence and you can only hope it will be okay.

What can I say to make it better? How the hell can I save her? I just... I feel totally helpless.

Perhaps this is the blind leading the blind, but tell her that you are there for her. That the entire world is not out to get her.

As I understand it, there is progress being made towards her situation improving? Remind her of that. I'm don't know of all the details, but you do. It may be a dark storm now, but the clouds are thinning, even if the sun isn't shining yet.

If she feels like there is no one that cares, remind her that you do.

I cannot think of much more with what I know, but I hope I have served well enough as a muse.

Best of luck,

-Mith

EDIT: Another thing that could be focused on is any short term goals that can either lead as a step towards getting out, or as a means of minimising time in a hostile environment. Long ish term goals may be too far away at the current moment.

[AuthorGirl]

So the vulnerable girl was attacked again today, and got drunk off her face to try to forget about it. Now I'm sitting on the other end of Messenger wondering what to do, or what to say. I know how to save the life of someone who's bleeding out in front of me, but I have no idea how to save the life of someone who's being abused a couple of hundred miles away. I'm just sitting here, powerless to do much but try to comfort her. Knowing that something is essentially out of your hands, but having just enough ability to influence the result that you feel forced to spend time doing so, is a horrible feeling - you're obliged to focus on something that you can barely influence and you can only hope it will be okay.

What can I say to make it better? How the hell can I save her? I just... I feel totally helpless.

I understand. Sincerely. I may be a stupid teenager with a comparatively easy life, but I do relate very closely to what you're saying. Sitting on the other end of Messenger as my friend told me he was suicidal*: not something I'll forget quickly.

The sense of responsibility mixed with helplessness is torturous. "What can I say to make it better? How the hell can I save [him]?"

Internet hugs for you, if you want them. I know it's awful. Try to care for yourself as well as her.

As much as it sucks, there's only so much you can do.

*as an aside, though "he's okay now" would be false, he's not suicidal anymore.

[Honest Tiefling]

The cascade problem is more...I can do that one task. But as I do that one task, the process of doing that task plus making sure I have food to eat and clothes to wear and all that, those create 2 or 3 more tasks. So tasks are being created faster than tasks are being done. Or tasks get done in a manner where I spend a lot of effort, but it doesn't really end up accomplishing a task. Like, the problem with organizing is I'll start sorting a pile, only I get worn out and overwhelmed and then it's in the way and I have to move it to get to the bathroom. So I start with a pile and I end with...another pile the same size as the first one but in a slightly different location.

Not knowing your exact problem...Well, just do that one task, even if you are cleaning your room in your underwear at 3am. If it's an improvement, it's an improvement.

Or just do a thing. Need to do task A before B? Do A, even if it wasn't what you were intending. Then reward yourself with something, since a factor of ADHD is often the inability to subconsciously link work with a reward.

That was always the biggest challenge as a kid and as an adult. I've been told, over and over and over again, I need routines, put things in the same places, all that sort of thing. But no matter what I try it doesn't seem to work. I've tried to set reminders, but after a few days I simply tune them out. I forget for days on end, or I only remember at 3am when I'm in bed.
I understand that routines are important, but all they seem to do is frustrate me.[/COLOR]

Don't MAKE routines, make the one you normally do feasible. For me, trying to put my bag and keys on a hook didn't work, so I just got a box I toss everything into. Untidy as crap, but it works for me.

[Recherché]

Yeah, making routines is hard. What Tiefling said about making the ones you have work for you is a lot easier some of the time. It doesn't work for everything but for where my shoes go? Lot easier to work with what I already have as routine than try to force myself to have an organized shoe closet. And to be honest that organized shoe closet will take me a lot of mental energy for very low rewards.

For things that are less high energy vs low reward and really do need to be done at a specific time, timers and alarms on my phone are my friend. After a while I don't even need the alarm. However that's reserved for high priority stuff. Too many alarms means I won't pay attention to any of them.

[WarKitty]

So evaluating my clutter problem more:

I'd say the problem is by and large managing things that need to be kept moving. Things that need to be stored and gotten out sometimes are actually pretty ok. The buildup tends to be in trash and recycling and general papers, and in either consumables or items that need to be washed regularly.

Trash and recycling have two problems. One, if it's after dark, there's a lack of light to take things out. Two, I have very gregarious neighbors who like to sit in the backyard all the time or out smoking under the overhang and that means taking the trash out is a social interaction event and a lot of times I am done being social for the day. (There's a corner there, so it is impossible to determine if anyone's out there without actually walking outside.) I'd say the trash/recycling are about 75% of the problem. I'm also more worried about them, just because I feel like "there's trash on the floor under the desk" is a bigger issue than "there are shoes at random points around the room."

[Honest Tiefling]

If you have to, use smoke as an excuse...Or the fact you are holding something heavy and need to get back to work. Tell them that the bag contains cat litter if you have to. If they are offended, then they are probably super-controlling types you DON'T want to be associated with anyway.

If it helps, rehearse in your head what will happen, and what you will say. Probably sounds a little silly, but I had social anxiety and that helped.

Remember, if you ever want to avoid a social interaction, make eye contact and then pointedly look away. Tends to annoy folks, but it can work.

[Jormengand]

So.

My situation (or rather, the person I'm trying to help's situation) has got to the point of the police not wanting to start any investigation until she has somewhere to stay, and the housing team not being able to give her one for three months. So, it's basically time to take action soon and get my own place where she can stay with me. Apparently she's going to see if there's anything at all she can get, and if she can't, I'll have to get a place through standard means. Fortunately, I should be able to get somewhere, but...

It's not gonna be that simple, is it? It's never as simple as it looks like it should be.

[WarKitty]

If you have to, use smoke as an excuse...Or the fact you are holding something heavy and need to get back to work. Tell them that the bag contains cat litter if you have to. If they are offended, then they are probably super-controlling types you DON'T want to be associated with anyway.

If it helps, rehearse in your head what will happen, and what you will say. Probably sounds a little silly, but I had social anxiety and that helped.

Remember, if you ever want to avoid a social interaction, make eye contact and then pointedly look away. Tends to annoy folks, but it can work.

It's more that I want to avoid social interaction in a way that says "I don't want to deal with much interaction right now because I'm tired and busy, but that doesn't mean I don't want to interact with you ever."

Honestly I think I'm just going to start leaving the trash in front of my door and taking it out on my way to work. I find that easier to deal with because "sorry I have to go to work" is easier than "sorry I have to go back to my apartment for unspecified busy reason."

[Mith]

So.

My situation (or rather, the person I'm trying to help's situation) has got to the point of the police not wanting to start any investigation until she has somewhere to stay, and the housing team not being able to give her one for three months. So, it's basically time to take action soon and get my own place where she can stay with me. Apparently she's going to see if there's anything at all she can get, and if she can't, I'll have to get a place through standard means. Fortunately, I should be able to get somewhere, but...

It's not gonna be that simple, is it? It's never as simple as it looks like it should be.

Hope for the best snd plan for the worst. While a quarter of a year is a long time, it does set a distant bedrock if other things do not work out.

Good luck!

[The Fury]

I've been avoiding talking about some things, mainly because it's depressing and it actually takes a lot of effort for me to not be such a downer. Maybe I just need to vent.

My grandfather died recently and everyone in my family is really upset. I'm sort of torn between allowing myself to feel upset and acting like I'm OK. Intellectually I know that the former is a lot healthier, but when I only let out my feelings privately everyone else seems better for it.

A while ago I had the opportunity to discuss it with friends, I chickened out though. They seemed to have a lot on their mind anyway. I've been avoiding the forums for a while now too. I still feel a lot of guilt about seeking out help, even though I know that I shouldn't.

Then there's thing two-- Around this time of year, I usually get depressed over a falling out I had with a community. I feel like I'm just really bad at letting things go and moving on. Every once in a while, I try to get a bead on whether it would be OK for me to reconnect with community. So far the answer seems to be "no."

[Bartmanhomer]

Hello Giant In The Playground family. I'm going to be very honest with everybody. I'm not looking forward for next month and that's my mom birthday. Well here's the thing. She passed away by Type 2 diabetes six years ago. I did the best I can to take care of her. I give her insulin everyday. But it wasn't enough. I feel like it was my fault. So I do need some support to go through with this. Also she would have been 70 years old next month.

[AuthorGirl]

Spoiler: things

Show

I spend a lot of time avoiding fear, shame and other negative emotions. That's a pretty normal human thing, I think, but I end up avoiding way too many things.

1. Writing - "how dare I try" is a good summary of how I feel about it. I used to really love doing it, though I didn't produce anything very good. Now, and for about the past . . . year? Year and a half? I feel like it's wrong for me to even try because I can't do it acceptably. I'm scared to let anyone see me writing, even if they can't see/read what's on the page (I've always been twitchy about people actually reading my stuff, but not to this level of freaked-out-ness). I'm equally scared to admit that I've dropped the hobby because "I feel bad" isn't really a good excuse. I wrote a little thing a few days ago and crashed into thinking what a stupid, entitled brat I am . . . just because I wrote a thing? Just because it wasn't brilliant? I don't know.
   
2. Crochet - I dropped that for a while. Again, the reason was "how dare I try." I picked it up about a week ago and it's been surprisingly okay (I'm not making anything for myself, which probably helps).
   
3. Painting - I actually need to do this for school credit, but the same sense of worthlessness and shame will show up again and I just sit there, trying not to cry.
   
4. DMing (which I won't be doing for a while) - cry when I try to plan, get stage fright when I try to speak, be miserable for the day leading up to a game, all for the same reasons as everything else.
   
5. Social interaction - I swear I used to be a happy, communicative kid. Now, even with my friends, I'm terrified of speaking too loudly, saying the wrong thing, even having the wrong posture (heck if I know what the "right" one would be). It's like I've actually gotten worse at reading people - they seem angry when they're not - and worse at handling pressure and conflict too.
   
6. Singing in church - understand, this is the safest and warmest environment you can imagine and I love singing with other people. But now I hunch my shoulders and vaguely mumble along, and I actually get teary-eyed and sort of frantic when I try to straighten up and sing.
   
7. Piano - I've dropped all the songs I was learning. I can't explain how messed-up that is. It's essentially choosing to cripple my progress. But I just can't imagine bothering everybody with my clumsy notes (and again, "how dare I try").
   
8. Schoolwork (which yes, I'm doing over the summer) - "how dare I try" when I'm so "stupid." Also, if I do my assignments, I'll have tests - and I'm so scared of that, never mind that I do well on tests, never mind that I used to like them.
   
9. Karate. If you've managed to trudge through my disorganized ranting, I'm sure you can guess which little thought is there too.

I could go on . . . dressing to hide myself (more than usual), the growing sense of hopelessness, my slowly declining standards of self-care (what does it matter if [X unhealthy thing]?), all that stuff.

I just want to grow, learn, make things and be happy. I'm hiding from the first three and (unsurprisingly) never feeling the last one.

I know I'm a hormonal teenager and I'm going to feel too many feelings no matter what I do. But . . . a year? And slowly getting worse all the time? Can that really be normal?

Is it okay, is it acceptable to look for help when I will/might grow out of my problems anyway? I just wish I had someone I could really trust and talk to, who could tell me what to do about all this.

[Tvtyrant]

Spoiler: things

Show

I spend a lot of time avoiding fear, shame and other negative emotions. That's a pretty normal human thing, I think, but I end up avoiding way too many things.

1. Writing - "how dare I try" is a good summary of how I feel about it. I used to really love doing it, though I didn't produce anything very good. Now, and for about the past . . . year? Year and a half? I feel like it's wrong for me to even try because I can't do it acceptably. I'm scared to let anyone see me writing, even if they can't see/read what's on the page (I've always been twitchy about people actually reading my stuff, but not to this level of freaked-out-ness). I'm equally scared to admit that I've dropped the hobby because "I feel bad" isn't really a good excuse. I wrote a little thing a few days ago and crashed into thinking what a stupid, entitled brat I am . . . just because I wrote a thing? Just because it wasn't brilliant? I don't know.
   
2. Crochet - I dropped that for a while. Again, the reason was "how dare I try." I picked it up about a week ago and it's been surprisingly okay (I'm not making anything for myself, which probably helps).
   
3. Painting - I actually need to do this for school credit, but the same sense of worthlessness and shame will show up again and I just sit there, trying not to cry.
   
4. DMing (which I won't be doing for a while) - cry when I try to plan, get stage fright when I try to speak, be miserable for the day leading up to a game, all for the same reasons as everything else.
   
5. Social interaction - I swear I used to be a happy, communicative kid. Now, even with my friends, I'm terrified of speaking too loudly, saying the wrong thing, even having the wrong posture (heck if I know what the "right" one would be). It's like I've actually gotten worse at reading people - they seem angry when they're not - and worse at handling pressure and conflict too.
   
6. Singing in church - understand, this is the safest and warmest environment you can imagine and I love singing with other people. But now I hunch my shoulders and vaguely mumble along, and I actually get teary-eyed and sort of frantic when I try to straighten up and sing.
   
7. Piano - I've dropped all the songs I was learning. I can't explain how messed-up that is. It's essentially choosing to cripple my progress. But I just can't imagine bothering everybody with my clumsy notes (and again, "how dare I try").
   
8. Schoolwork (which yes, I'm doing over the summer) - "how dare I try" when I'm so "stupid." Also, if I do my assignments, I'll have tests - and I'm so scared of that, never mind that I do well on tests, never mind that I used to like them.
   
9. Karate. If you've managed to trudge through my disorganized ranting, I'm sure you can guess which little thought is there too.

I could go on . . . dressing to hide myself (more than usual), the growing sense of hopelessness, my slowly declining standards of self-care (what does it matter if [X unhealthy thing]?), all that stuff.

I just want to grow, learn, make things and be happy. I'm hiding from the first three and (unsurprisingly) never feeling the last one.

I know I'm a hormonal teenager and I'm going to feel too many feelings no matter what I do. But . . . a year? And slowly getting worse all the time? Can that really be normal?

Is it okay, is it acceptable to look for help when I will/might grow out of my problems anyway? I just wish I had someone I could really trust and talk to, who could tell me what to do about all this.

Spoiler

Show

I would see a counselor. Just because depression and anxiety happens to other people doesn't make it not worth getting help with.

I have personally experienced the "critical voice" and been trapped by my own feelings of inferiority. What I learned is: That voice in your head is not you. It is a reflection of other people's criticisms, and comparing the final products of years of work and a selection process involving billions of people to your creative process.

[AuthorGirl]

Spoiler

Show

I would see a counselor. Just because depression and anxiety happens to other people doesn't make it not worth getting help with.

I have personally experienced the "critical voice" and been trapped by my own feelings of inferiority. What I learned is: That voice in your head is not you. It is a reflection of other people's criticisms, and comparing the final products of years of work and a selection process involving billions of people to your creative process.

Thank you for your response! I'm not sure if I'll have access to counselling, but I'll take a look at what options I might have.

[Tvtyrant]

Thank you for your response! I'm not sure if I'll have access to counselling, but I'll take a look at what options I might have.

It sounds like you are either in the tail end of grade school or in college, either should be able to provide some free counseling. There might be a wait list, but you can contact your administrators so you get preference when the school year starts soon.

[AuthorGirl]

It sounds like you are either in the tail end of grade school or in college, either should be able to provide some free counseling. There might be a wait list, but you can contact your administrators so you get preference when the school year starts soon.

You're just about right - I'm going into Grade 12 this year. The catch is that I'm homeschooled.

[Tvtyrant]

You're just about right - I'm going into Grade 12 this year. The catch is that I'm homeschooled.

That is a conundrum.

I'm afraid you will have to reach out to an AiC (adult in charge) and see if they can get you help. If approaching your parents directly is too difficult (and I have been there) your priest/pastor/friend of a parent/relative may be able to broach the subject for you and take some of the pressure off.

If talking to an AiC is too hard, you might try an older cousin/friend. Knowing you aren't alone can help you a lot.

There are also people here who are happy to chat with you in text or via skype, which can help relieve anxiety and depression to get to the next step.

[AuthorGirl]

That is a conundrum.

I'm afraid you will have to reach out to an AiC (adult in charge) and see if they can get you help. If approaching your parents directly is too difficult (and I have been there) your priest/pastor/friend of a parent/relative may be able to broach the subject for you and take some of the pressure off.

If talking to an AiC is too hard, you might try an older cousin/friend. Knowing you aren't alone can help you a lot.

There are also people here who are happy to chat with you in text or via skype, which can help relieve anxiety and depression to get to the next step.

First, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to this stuff and show kindness. It really means a lot.

For the rest: . . . yeah, I know you're right, scary as it is to mention these things in real life. My pastor is away (for two more weeks, I think), which gives me some time to organize myself and my explanations.

[ve4grm]

You're just about right - I'm going into Grade 12 this year. The catch is that I'm homeschooled.

If I remember correctly, you're in Europe somewhere, correct? Somewhere with health coverage?

I might advise asking talking with your doctor, or asking them for a referral to a counsellor. (Some places, the GP likes to handle initial mental health concerns themselves.)

Given your age, you may need to get some parental signoff on this, or at least the doctor might notify them of the referral.

That said, your problems you mentioned didn't seem to include your parents, so it may be worth it to go to them and tell them you've been having issues, even if you don't go into detail about it, just so they know you're seeking counselling. Up to you.

[WarKitty]

You're just about right - I'm going into Grade 12 this year. The catch is that I'm homeschooled.

I sympathize.

If nothing else, I presume you're going to college in a year. It'll be a lot of changes then and they'll have resources.

[AuthorGirl]

If I remember correctly, you're in Europe somewhere, correct?

Canada, actually.

Somewhere with health coverage?

Yes, though I'm quite stunningly ignorant of what systems are in place to help people get mental help. What I know is that I don't have to pay for my asthma inhalers, which is pretty cool.

I might advise asking talking with your doctor, or asking them for a referral to a counsellor. (Some places, the GP likes to handle initial mental health concerns themselves.)

Given your age, you may need to get some parental signoff on this, or at least the doctor might notify them of the referral.

That said, your problems you mentioned didn't seem to include your parents, so it may be worth it to go to them and tell them you've been having issues, even if you don't go into detail about it, just so they know you're seeking counselling. Up to you.

I don't know. I'd need parental sign-off just for a doctor's appointment (not legally, but practically speaking). My family is collectively terrible at boundaries, and I'd really like to keep this whole thing as far away from my grandparents' ears as possible.

Ninja Edit:

I sympathize.

If nothing else, I presume you're going to college in a year. It'll be a lot of changes then and they'll have resources.

College, yes. By correspondence, from home.

[dehro]

I might be getting an entirely skewed perspective here, do is like to ask a few questions..

College, yes. By correspondence, from home.

Is that something that was decided for you, did you decide it that way? Is there some circumstance that forces this choice? Do you have any agency in this topic? It sounds like you're in something of a golden cage situation... Surrounded by people who most likely love you and want the best for you, but who might not actually know what is best for you, especially in this particular circumstance.
What avenues do you have in terms of outside your family social circle/environment/infrastructure?
How much of your daily routine is either supervised or happens within the confines of a family setting/proximity?
Is anyone who is a member of that environment a potential ally?

[ve4grm]

Canada, actually.

Ah, a fellow Canadian. I was getting you confused with someone else.

There are resources around for navigating the mental health systems. Unfortunately, as all of our medical systems are provincial, I'd need to know your province to direct you to them. Googling your province and mental health might get you something.

Yes, though I'm quite stunningly ignorant of what systems are in place to help people get mental help. What I know is that I don't have to pay for my asthma inhalers, which is pretty cool.

Every province has something, though some are probably better than others. I've had some experience using the systems in BC and MB, if it can help. The first step to both was to talk to my GP, though.

What I can say is that throughout my own process, I never needed to pay for anything (except a dispensing fee for meds). I think most provinces cover everything.

I don't know. I'd need parental sign-off just for a doctor's appointment (not legally, but practically speaking). My family is collectively terrible at boundaries, and I'd really like to keep this whole thing as far away from my grandparents' ears as possible.

I assume your doctor isn't nearby, then? Are you fairly rural? That can make getting help a bit harder, but not impossible. Some therapists will even do skype counselling.

One way to go about it would be to, well, tell a fib? Tell your family that your inhaler has been seeming somewhat less effective and you want to get a doctor's appointment to discuss it?

Your pastor might also be able to help, though I don't know what he'll have available for you. If you're uncomfortable with the above, it might be worth it to wait the couple weeks and have a chat with him.

[Chen]

College, yes. By correspondence, from home.

Would really avoid doing that ESPECIALLY since you've been homeschooled before. Get out there and attend a university in person. Would certainly recommend moving out though just being at university and continuing to live at home can certainly work as well. But by correspondence just seems to imply online courses or the like. Consider what student loans and/or part time job you may need if you want to live independently. Canadian tuition can be a lot cheaper than US tuition especially for in province universities (especially if you're in Quebec). Quebec actually isn't a terrible option even if you aren't from there since last I had checked the out of province tuition cost is roughly the same as the in province tuition cost elsewhere. If you don't speak french you'll probably want to aim for Montreal (McGill or Concordia) since otherwise you'll have a bit of language difficulty.

[Recherché]

Also something to note: I've worked for the distance learning division for a college. Most of our students do horribly. Most people are not good at learning things via correspondence courses. There are a few people it works really well for but they're in the minority. It also tends to look pretty bad on a resume having little experience with either school or university outside of your house. It's very hard to evaluate what that education is worth and you have no shown skills with working with other people. Some of that can be made up with via other activities but it's still a bit of a black mark at best.

[AuthorGirl]

Obligatory apology for wall of text.

I might be getting an entirely skewed perspective here, do is like to ask a few questions..

Is that something that was decided for you, did you decide it that way?

It was decided for me - I'd kill for the chance to spend a few years on my own.

Is there some circumstance that forces this choice?

The fact that my parents and grandparents have money and I do not.

Do you have any agency in this topic?

No.

It sounds like you're in something of a golden cage situation... Surrounded by people who most likely love you and want the best for you, but who might not actually know what is best for you, especially in this particular circumstance.

Yes.

What avenues do you have in terms of outside your family social circle/environment/infrastructure?

D&D and the Internet.

How much of your daily routine is either supervised or happens within the confines of a family setting/proximity?

After my parents leave for work, before my brother wakes up, I usually have an hour or so to myself. The rest is supervised (except when I'm staying up ridiculously late, but they don't technically allow that).

Is anyone who is a member of that environment a potential ally?

In a lot of things, yes (my mom, dad and brother). With the stuff I'm currently having trouble with, absolutely not.

Ah, a fellow Canadian. I was getting you confused with someone else.

There are resources around for navigating the mental health systems. Unfortunately, as all of our medical systems are provincial, I'd need to know your province to direct you to them. Googling your province and mental health might get you something.

I shall do that! Thank you

Every province has something, though some are probably better than others. I've had some experience using the systems in BC and MB, if it can help. The first step to both was to talk to my GP, though.

What I can say is that throughout my own process, I never needed to pay for anything (except a dispensing fee for meds). I think most provinces cover everything.

Hi, fellow (current or former) denizen of BC! That's reassuring to hear.

I assume your doctor isn't nearby, then? Are you fairly rural? That can make getting help a bit harder, but not impossible. Some therapists will even do skype counselling.

Fairly rural, yes. I'll look into the Skype thing.

One way to go about it would be to, well, tell a fib? Tell your family that your inhaler has been seeming somewhat less effective and you want to get a doctor's appointment to discuss it?

That wouldn't even be a fib, considering the province is once again burning and smoking.

Your pastor might also be able to help, though I don't know what he'll have available for you. If you're uncomfortable with the above, it might be worth it to wait the couple weeks and have a chat with him.

I do believe she'll refer me to a counsellor if she can't help directly, so there's that. As an added bonus, my grandparents won't argue as much if she says I need help instead of just me saying that.

Would really avoid doing that ESPECIALLY since you've been homeschooled before. Get out there and attend a university in person.

I'd love to.

Would certainly recommend moving out though just being at university and continuing to live at home can certainly work as well. But by correspondence just seems to imply online courses or the like.

Yes, exactly that. I'm already doing some online courses, I hate them and it's extremely difficult to progress (especially since the Internet keeps cutting out). It feels like, to learn, I have to struggle against the course itself instead of just my own lazy ignorance.

Consider what student loans and/or part time job you may need if you want to live independently. Canadian tuition can be a lot cheaper than US tuition especially for in province universities (especially if you're in Quebec). Quebec actually isn't a terrible option even if you aren't from there since last I had checked the out of province tuition cost is roughly the same as the in province tuition cost elsewhere. If you don't speak french you'll probably want to aim for Montreal (McGill or Concordia) since otherwise you'll have a bit of language difficulty.

It's . . . really no joke, how angry everyone would get if I tried any of those things, but I'll consider it.

Also something to note: I've worked for the distance learning division for a college. Most of our students do horribly. Most people are not good at learning things via correspondence courses. There are a few people it works really well for but they're in the minority.

Count me in the majority

It also tends to look pretty bad on a resume having little experience with either school or university outside of your house. It's very hard to evaluate what that education is worth and you have no shown skills with working with other people. Some of that can be made up with via other activities but it's still a bit of a black mark at best.

Oh, I know. My mother is quite confident that I'll be qualified to work in her accounting office - I'm not so sure, considering how much I struggle with math and computer science, but at least it's something.

As a side note, is "church secretary for two years" good or bad on a resume?

[WarKitty]

You need to get out.

Seriously, your family is setting you up to be in a situation where you're only qualified to do the things that they want you to do so you'll be dependent on them.

You are going to make them angry sooner or later. You're becoming an adult, and it doesn't sound like they really want that - or rather, they want someone who can take on the responsibilities of an adult, but retains the obedience of a child. There won't be a point where they're ready to turn over the reins without anger.

Frankly, you may be better off setting things up on your own to attend college somewhere else and telling them once it's through (preferably after you're 18). Or look into jobs that provide housing. I've heard cruise ship jobs aren't a bad gig for young adults who just want to get away. It's hard work but you're housed and fed and you can have a nice check at the end if you're sensible with money.

[Recherché]

You need to get out. In this circumstance church secretary looks very bad actually because it strongly implies that the reason you weren't socialized at all is because the family is... religiously kooky and unable or unwilling to engage with modern society.

I don't suppose your pastor/church would be willing to help here with the ways you're being trapped in a golden cage?

[AuthorGirl]

You need to get out.

Seriously, your family is setting you up to be in a situation where you're only qualified to do the things that they want you to do so you'll be dependent on them.

You are going to make them angry sooner or later. You're becoming an adult, and it doesn't sound like they really want that - or rather, they want someone who can take on the responsibilities of an adult, but retains the obedience of a child. There won't be a point where they're ready to turn over the reins without anger.

Frankly, you may be better off setting things up on your own to attend college somewhere else and telling them once it's through (preferably after you're 18). Or look into jobs that provide housing. I've heard cruise ship jobs aren't a bad gig for young adults who just want to get away. It's hard work but you're housed and fed and you can have a nice check at the end if you're sensible with money.

You're so entirely on point that it's scary.

But.

1. About 300 dollars to my name, and my mom will see if I spend any of it.
   
2. No job and no opportunity to get one (unless it's something they unequivocally approve of, and I'm far enough behind in school that . . . just no).
   
3. No driver's license and no opportunity to get one. Legally, I could learn; practically, no way.
   
4. The most basic life skills are out of my grasp. I was fourteen before I was allowed to walk two blocks by myself, and that's not an exaggeration. Cook? Buy food? Find my way to a place I need to go? I theoretically could do those things, but I have only the vaguest ideas of how to go about them.

What the heck can I do with that? It really seems like I can't set anything up for myself until I've done what they want (which will take years), and even then I'll be ignorant of so much. To top it off, they want me to stay on the family property (another house, next door to the current two) when I'm an adult, and I'm not sure I'll be able to afford any alternatives.

As an aside: cruise ships. Is it true that a lot of girls disappear unpleasantly from those?

You need to get out. In this circumstance church secretary looks very bad actually because it strongly implies that the reason you weren't socialized at all is because the family is... religiously kooky and unable or unwilling to engage with modern society.

I don't suppose your pastor/church would be willing to help here with the ways you're being trapped in a golden cage?

That is an accurate description, yes.

As for church - I honestly don't know if I'd have any allies there, when it comes down to it. Much as the people do care about me, my grandmother has already explained to them how smart and perfect her plans are.

[Recherché]

I haven't heard anything about women disappearing from cruise ships but I never investigated much.

Your grandmother may have explained her plans but that doesn't mean that everyone believes her. And if they're as bad as they sound most reasonable people aren't going to support them when you say that you need to figure out how to live on your own as an adult. You know these people better than me but I'd frame it as "I want to be ready and able to take care of myself in case something is to my family or in case plans go wrong and I need a plan B"