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  1. - Top - End - #1471
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    But all I see now are signs, even in the littlest of gestures, that people look down on me, and that hasn't made life very fun these last few months.
    Speaking from my own experience: It is very much a state of mind you can overcome. Maybe these pointers can help you.


    1. Have you allowed yourself to be proud of who you are? Because if not, you should do this.
    2. Do you really desire the respect of people who might disregard you because of minor mistakes?
    What can change the nature of a man?

  2. - Top - End - #1472
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    When I first started having issues with my own mental health (I've had the OCD all my life in a minor, non-harmful way, but only developed issues starting in my late 20s) I focused on all these little things, and only saw the terrible endings that they could lead to. I stressed over them endlessly, even things that were years old. The biggest help to me getting past it (and back into my normal life) was the fact I had my wife there, and she was able to confirm to me that the thing I was stressing about? Nobody noticed, or thought it was weird. And even if it was kind of weird, it's fine and we'd get past it.

    These days (4 years later) I don't need that much. But at the time, it was huge.

    So I second the suggestion of having someone you trust, that you can run through these sorts of feelings with, and who can reassure you that you're ok. It doesn't even have to be someone who was there, if you don't want to involve anybody from work.

    Think of it as a treatment, like putting a cast on a broken leg. Would you refuse a cast, because you don't want to be reliant on a cast forever and just want to go back to your leg not being broken? Of course not! The cast facilitates healing, and enables you to get back on your feet eventually.

    So this is a cast, or a splint. Something that can prop you up, to allow you to heal, until you're able to stand on your own.

    All the best in your healing.
    That's a good analogy, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I have anybody I trust that much-- even the people I generally feel comfortable confiding in (and there's only a couple), I can only be so vulnerable with them. I guess that's the value of seeing a therapist-- having somebody you have no personal attachment to so you're not necessarily worried about being vulnerable with them.

    Which is why I intend (once I get over this irksome little cold of mine) to follow up on a potential job very soon, so I can finally have the money to consider that option.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    Speaking from my own experience: It is very much a state of mind you can overcome. Maybe these pointers can help you.


    1. Have you allowed yourself to be proud of who you are? Because if not, you should do this.
    2. Do you really desire the respect of people who might disregard you because of minor mistakes?
    I don't think I'm lacking in pride or confidence, at least not intrinsically. If anything, I always felt like I had a pretty healthy sense of self-esteem, but you can only take so long of feeling like nobody else shares your positive assessment of yourself before you start to agree with them. Basically, I don't think I lack confidence in myself, it just feels like the world lacks confidence in me. And eventually, that starts to erode my self-confidence, too.

    As for your second point, well, I don't necessarily worry that one minor slip up is going to lose respect so much as a series of mistakes, faux pas (how do you even pluralize that word? faux pax?), and general acts of dumbassery is going to give people a negative overall impression of me.

    Thank you all for your advice and input. I think my best option right now is to get a source of income and try and find a therapist who can help me work through this funk. Failing that, moving to space. Because in space, nobody can hear you blurt out dumb social blunders.
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    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  3. - Top - End - #1473
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    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    That's a good analogy, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I have anybody I trust that much-- even the people I generally feel comfortable confiding in (and there's only a couple), I can only be so vulnerable with them. I guess that's the value of seeing a therapist-- having somebody you have no personal attachment to so you're not necessarily worried about being vulnerable with them.

    Which is why I intend (once I get over this irksome little cold of mine) to follow up on a potential job very soon, so I can finally have the money to consider that option.

    ...

    Thank you all for your advice and input. I think my best option right now is to get a source of income and try and find a therapist who can help me work through this funk. Failing that, moving to space. Because in space, nobody can hear you blurt out dumb social blunders.
    Yeah, that's one of the main benefits of a (good) therapist. The ability to be vulnerable and honest without judgement or consequence.

    In the meantime, if you need to make sure that the things you're worrying about aren't worth stressing over, feel free to use the forum here.

  4. - Top - End - #1474
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Hey, folks,

    I've had my cat Sissi (Sidney) for about 15 years now. I never thought much about because she is just as spry as she ever was, chasing shadows, jumping on top of counters and desks and complaining about random things as she always did.
    My husband today pointed out that she's lost weight. That's when I realised that she is an old cat. My childhood cats lived to 18-20 so I figure I have a few years left but just the reality that she will die someday, and that the day is now fairly close, hit me in the face.
    I don't want to worry about it constantly and ruin the last few years we'll have together, but I've had her since before I moved out of my parent's place. In a few years I'll have had her for over half my life. I have two other cats but she is cuddly and loving and I had her when she was a few weeks old, unlike the other two who were already adults and my husband's pets, and she feels more like "my baby".

    I know there isn't much anyone can do but I could use some support. And any advice about spoiling her a bit would be nice too.

    Thanks!

  5. - Top - End - #1475
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Lissou View Post
    Hey, folks,

    I've had my cat Sissi (Sidney) for about 15 years now. I never thought much about because she is just as spry as she ever was, chasing shadows, jumping on top of counters and desks and complaining about random things as she always did.
    My husband today pointed out that she's lost weight. That's when I realised that she is an old cat. My childhood cats lived to 18-20 so I figure I have a few years left but just the reality that she will die someday, and that the day is now fairly close, hit me in the face.
    I don't want to worry about it constantly and ruin the last few years we'll have together, but I've had her since before I moved out of my parent's place. In a few years I'll have had her for over half my life. I have two other cats but she is cuddly and loving and I had her when she was a few weeks old, unlike the other two who were already adults and my husband's pets, and she feels more like "my baby".

    I know there isn't much anyone can do but I could use some support. And any advice about spoiling her a bit would be nice too.

    Thanks!
    Having pets get old is rough, I don't have much to add to this but my sympathy. I still cry thinking about my last dog passing over a year ago.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  6. - Top - End - #1476
    Orc in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Lissou View Post
    Hey, folks,

    I've had my cat Sissi (Sidney) for about 15 years now. I never thought much about because she is just as spry as she ever was, chasing shadows, jumping on top of counters and desks and complaining about random things as she always did.
    My husband today pointed out that she's lost weight. That's when I realised that she is an old cat. My childhood cats lived to 18-20 so I figure I have a few years left but just the reality that she will die someday, and that the day is now fairly close, hit me in the face.
    I don't want to worry about it constantly and ruin the last few years we'll have together, but I've had her since before I moved out of my parent's place. In a few years I'll have had her for over half my life. I have two other cats but she is cuddly and loving and I had her when she was a few weeks old, unlike the other two who were already adults and my husband's pets, and she feels more like "my baby".

    I know there isn't much anyone can do but I could use some support. And any advice about spoiling her a bit would be nice too.

    Thanks!
    Sorry to hear that. I'm in a similar position with my cat Ghost, similar kind of age. One piece of advice I will give - if you haven;t already, take her to the vets for a once-over. It may just be age, but it might be something like kidney disease (common in older cats), and if so changing to a special diet or medication can give several more years of life than they might otherwise have had. Ghost has early kidney stage failure, so getting her on the right diet has hopefully helped her feel better & live longer (seems to be working so far).

    Hope all goes well & you have many more years to enjoy Sissi's company.

  7. - Top - End - #1477
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Sep 2013

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Lissou View Post
    Hey, folks,

    I've had my cat Sissi (Sidney) for about 15 years now. I never thought much about because she is just as spry as she ever was, chasing shadows, jumping on top of counters and desks and complaining about random things as she always did.
    My husband today pointed out that she's lost weight. That's when I realised that she is an old cat. My childhood cats lived to 18-20 so I figure I have a few years left but just the reality that she will die someday, and that the day is now fairly close, hit me in the face.
    I don't want to worry about it constantly and ruin the last few years we'll have together, but I've had her since before I moved out of my parent's place. In a few years I'll have had her for over half my life. I have two other cats but she is cuddly and loving and I had her when she was a few weeks old, unlike the other two who were already adults and my husband's pets, and she feels more like "my baby".

    I know there isn't much anyone can do but I could use some support. And any advice about spoiling her a bit would be nice too.

    Thanks!
    With my old cat, I spoiled the crap out of her by basically carrying her with me if she wanted company but wasn't up for walking. The downside is that I often had a crying cat outside the bathroom door. :smallgrin:

    If you have the room, one thing we did that may be entertaining for you is used carboard boxes to put little "forts" around the house with a pillow in for her to just find and curl up in. This meant she always had a place to curl up that wasn't far away no matter where she was in the house. These also became places that would often get your ankles swatted as you walked past. Considering she was 22 at the time, it was impressive.

  8. - Top - End - #1478
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Thanks for the advice and wishes, guys :) I'm feeling better, enjoying the time I have with her. Will follow your advice for sure!

  9. - Top - End - #1479
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    HalfTangible's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Okay. So...

    This one isn't so much a me thing, but... it's still pretty awful and I need to tell someone.

    Spoiler: TW: probable suicide
    Show
    Back in January, we learned one of my uncles (Uncle A) had taken his truck and left without an apparent trace; he didn't take his wallet or phone or anything, he just left. Aunt B (his wife) apparently kicked him out because she'd learned that they were in massive credit card debt and they had less than 200 bucks to their name. Bro and Uncle C (I try to avoid naming names, just know this is a different uncle) went out with Uncle C's company to help clean up their house a bit and try to get things back into order.

    I was/am somewhat in shock, and more than a little disgusted. Aunt A was the breadwinner and also has the rest of our (very large) family to fall back on, she'll be fine, but "no husband, several kids, massive debt and no money" is still a horrible situation to find oneself in.

    Today I learned they'd found Uncle A. He's dead. Don't know anything beyond that.


    So, yeah.
    Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo.

    When Gods Go To War comes out March 8th

    Discord: HalfTangible

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  10. - Top - End - #1480
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    5crownik007's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    Okay. So...

    This one isn't so much a me thing, but... it's still pretty awful and I need to tell someone.

    Spoiler: TW: probable suicide
    Show
    Back in January, we learned one of my uncles (Uncle A) had taken his truck and left without an apparent trace; he didn't take his wallet or phone or anything, he just left. Aunt B (his wife) apparently kicked him out because she'd learned that they were in massive credit card debt and they had less than 200 bucks to their name. Bro and Uncle C (I try to avoid naming names, just know this is a different uncle) went out with Uncle C's company to help clean up their house a bit and try to get things back into order.

    I was/am somewhat in shock, and more than a little disgusted. Aunt A was the breadwinner and also has the rest of our (very large) family to fall back on, she'll be fine, but "no husband, several kids, massive debt and no money" is still a horrible situation to find oneself in.

    Today I learned they'd found Uncle A. He's dead. Don't know anything beyond that.


    So, yeah.
    I hope that you are all right. Were you close with Uncle A? Be vigilant and understanding. Try your best to be the person in your family that people can rely on. Things will get better if you are willing to try.

    I have my own problem, and I'll do the courtesy of spoilering it.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Today, the Christchurch Terrorist Attack happened in New Zealand. I heard that 49 people were killed. I watched the full video of the shooting, because I needed to know what he did. I'm not shaken by the violence itself, but by the shooter. Without going into detail, he talks like me, and it makes me feel deep shame.

    I am not in the least unaware of the fact that I as a human being have the capacity for the same evil as he, but I am brought to question my thoughts and values if someone so similar would do something so abhorrent. I won't become that.

    Happy Pi Day America, though it's over by now, isn't it?
    "You... little... *****. It's what my old man called me, it's like it was my name, and I proved him right, by killing all the wrong people. [And], I love ya Henry, and I'll never call you anything but your name, but you gotta decide; are you gonna lay there, swallow that blood in your mouth, or are you gonna stand up, spit it out, and go spill theirs?" - Unknown

  11. - Top - End - #1481
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by 5crownik007 View Post
    I hope that you are all right. Were you close with Uncle A? Be vigilant and understanding. Try your best to be the person in your family that people can rely on. Things will get better if you are willing to try.

    I have my own problem, and I'll do the courtesy of spoilering it.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Today, the Christchurch Terrorist Attack happened in New Zealand. I heard that 49 people were killed. I watched the full video of the shooting, because I needed to know what he did. I'm not shaken by the violence itself, but by the shooter. Without going into detail, he talks like me, and it makes me feel deep shame.

    I am not in the least unaware of the fact that I as a human being have the capacity for the same evil as he, but I am brought to question my thoughts and values if someone so similar would do something so abhorrent. I won't become that.

    Happy Pi Day America, though it's over by now, isn't it?
    when you say "he talks like me" do you mean content or voice/speach patterns?
    All hail Smutmulch for crafting my avatar!
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
    Show

    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  12. - Top - End - #1482
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    5crownik007's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    when you say "he talks like me" do you mean content or voice/speach patterns?
    I specifically mean his 8chan post and the memes he used in his manifesto, though definitely not the political content of it.
    I'm deeply against what he did, but what disturbs me is how similar our humor is.
    I'm feeling better after a night of sleep, and I'm keeping my calm. Thanks for asking about me.

    He wanted people to hate one another, so I won't hate. I wasn't in the first place, but now I have far more motivation. :p
    He wanted people to be angry at one another, so I won't get angry.

    Stay strong everyone, keep cool. Hate no one.
    "You... little... *****. It's what my old man called me, it's like it was my name, and I proved him right, by killing all the wrong people. [And], I love ya Henry, and I'll never call you anything but your name, but you gotta decide; are you gonna lay there, swallow that blood in your mouth, or are you gonna stand up, spit it out, and go spill theirs?" - Unknown

  13. - Top - End - #1483
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I'm having one of those family problems with no good solution, and I just need to vent.

    Spoiler: Grandma
    Show

    About 15 years ago, while I was away at grad school in another city, my grandmother fell and broke her tailbone. This resulted in my mom moving her into my old bedroom since she could no longer live alone. (While not the main thrust of the current issue, my grandfather passed away about five years before that in a particularly traumatic way that left its own scars on the family. They had married young and had one of those very traditional marriages in which grandma would drive home to fix grandpa a sandwich for lunch and grandpa was the only one who knew how to maintain a lot of things, so she'd been struggling to live alone for the first time in her life even before she fell. Before going to grad school I'd been over there once or twice a week to help her out with things.) At the time, everyone kind of assumed this was near the end for grandma, and we all rallied around with visits, fussing, and the general concern that one feels for a beloved part of the family unexpectedly revealed as frail and no longer going to be around forever.

    Fifteen years later, my grandmother is still living in my old room at mom's house, and, while there have been ups and downs along the way, she is getting gradually more frail and needing more and more care. My mom just cancelled on a day we'd planned to spend together at my house because grandma couldn't even walk back and forth to the bathroom without assistance today, so mom needs to stay at home and keep an eye on her. Mom and I used to take a weekend trip to the beach together once a year, but we haven't been able to in years because grandma can't travel and mom can't leave her. It's now to the point that mom can't even come visit me at my home less than an hour away reliably (this is not the first time she's had to cancel). I see my mom getting more and more exhausted (mom is retired herself now, and retired sooner than she otherwise would have to take care of grandma). I help out when I can, but I only have so much time and energy free myself. The only other close relative living in our state (another granddaughter, my cousin) has two small children and lives in another city, so she can't really help.

    Mom has already told me that if I decide to have children, she will not be able to help me out the way a "normal" grandma would, because she is busy caring for grandma right now and will need time off from all caregiving after grandma passes away someday. (It's normal in my family for grandparents to provide quite a bit of caregiving - my grandmother took care of me after school all through elementary school after mom went back to work and grandma retired, and my cousin's MIL opened an in-home daycare business with her so they could both take care of my cousin's kids while they were too young for school.) I know I'm not entitled to her help, but it hurts anyway because it was a life stage I'd always had a picture of having happen a certain way, and now I won't get to have that experience.

    I feel like I don't get to enjoy these years with my mom because grandma is taking all of her time and energy. In another 5-10 years, mom will be the age grandma was when she had her fall and moved in with her to start with, so I feel like the clock is ticking on how many years I have to spend with my mother when she's still able to get around and do the kinds of things we both enjoy. I miss our trips to the beach, the hobbies we shared, and having mom as a concert-going buddy.

    At the same time, I'm mourning the loss of all of the things grandma and I used to do together, because grandma really can't do anything but sit in a chair anymore and doesn't really seem happy either. (Grandma was very much a part of my life growing up, almost a third parent once mom went back to work, and I used to take her out to dinner once a week when she still felt well enough to go places. She was the one who I spent a lot of time talking to and playing games with growing up and we were always very close. For example, my mother was completely unaware of the existence of one of my top three favorite picture books, because it was one grandma read to me over and over rather than mom. Mom became aware of it when I bought a copy for someone's baby shower and mentioned that it had been a childhood favorite.) Now, all grandma wants to do is sit in a chair and watch tv so loudly that I find it painful, because she can't hear very well. (She does not want hearing aids, and will not wear TV ears.) It does not help that she mostly watches the news over and over again (we share similar enough politics, so it's not a family politics news channel selection issue, but rather a "I don't want a constant stream of crisis and speculation at max volume with little deep analysis" issue), but it's exhausting even when she's watching sports or some video we actually both like because it is just overwhelmingly loud.


    Anyway, my fun day with my mom has been cancelled, and I am instead going to drive over to mom's house to hang out with mom and grandma all day there. I know everyone is doing the best they can, but it's just always this now.

  14. - Top - End - #1484
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Algeh View Post
    I'm having one of those family problems with no good solution, and I just need to vent.

    Spoiler: Grandma
    Show

    About 15 years ago, while I was away at grad school in another city, my grandmother fell and broke her tailbone. This resulted in my mom moving her into my old bedroom since she could no longer live alone. (While not the main thrust of the current issue, my grandfather passed away about five years before that in a particularly traumatic way that left its own scars on the family. They had married young and had one of those very traditional marriages in which grandma would drive home to fix grandpa a sandwich for lunch and grandpa was the only one who knew how to maintain a lot of things, so she'd been struggling to live alone for the first time in her life even before she fell. Before going to grad school I'd been over there once or twice a week to help her out with things.) At the time, everyone kind of assumed this was near the end for grandma, and we all rallied around with visits, fussing, and the general concern that one feels for a beloved part of the family unexpectedly revealed as frail and no longer going to be around forever.

    Fifteen years later, my grandmother is still living in my old room at mom's house, and, while there have been ups and downs along the way, she is getting gradually more frail and needing more and more care. My mom just cancelled on a day we'd planned to spend together at my house because grandma couldn't even walk back and forth to the bathroom without assistance today, so mom needs to stay at home and keep an eye on her. Mom and I used to take a weekend trip to the beach together once a year, but we haven't been able to in years because grandma can't travel and mom can't leave her. It's now to the point that mom can't even come visit me at my home less than an hour away reliably (this is not the first time she's had to cancel). I see my mom getting more and more exhausted (mom is retired herself now, and retired sooner than she otherwise would have to take care of grandma). I help out when I can, but I only have so much time and energy free myself. The only other close relative living in our state (another granddaughter, my cousin) has two small children and lives in another city, so she can't really help.

    Mom has already told me that if I decide to have children, she will not be able to help me out the way a "normal" grandma would, because she is busy caring for grandma right now and will need time off from all caregiving after grandma passes away someday. (It's normal in my family for grandparents to provide quite a bit of caregiving - my grandmother took care of me after school all through elementary school after mom went back to work and grandma retired, and my cousin's MIL opened an in-home daycare business with her so they could both take care of my cousin's kids while they were too young for school.) I know I'm not entitled to her help, but it hurts anyway because it was a life stage I'd always had a picture of having happen a certain way, and now I won't get to have that experience.

    I feel like I don't get to enjoy these years with my mom because grandma is taking all of her time and energy. In another 5-10 years, mom will be the age grandma was when she had her fall and moved in with her to start with, so I feel like the clock is ticking on how many years I have to spend with my mother when she's still able to get around and do the kinds of things we both enjoy. I miss our trips to the beach, the hobbies we shared, and having mom as a concert-going buddy.

    At the same time, I'm mourning the loss of all of the things grandma and I used to do together, because grandma really can't do anything but sit in a chair anymore and doesn't really seem happy either. (Grandma was very much a part of my life growing up, almost a third parent once mom went back to work, and I used to take her out to dinner once a week when she still felt well enough to go places. She was the one who I spent a lot of time talking to and playing games with growing up and we were always very close. For example, my mother was completely unaware of the existence of one of my top three favorite picture books, because it was one grandma read to me over and over rather than mom. Mom became aware of it when I bought a copy for someone's baby shower and mentioned that it had been a childhood favorite.) Now, all grandma wants to do is sit in a chair and watch tv so loudly that I find it painful, because she can't hear very well. (She does not want hearing aids, and will not wear TV ears.) It does not help that she mostly watches the news over and over again (we share similar enough politics, so it's not a family politics news channel selection issue, but rather a "I don't want a constant stream of crisis and speculation at max volume with little deep analysis" issue), but it's exhausting even when she's watching sports or some video we actually both like because it is just overwhelmingly loud.


    Anyway, my fun day with my mom has been cancelled, and I am instead going to drive over to mom's house to hang out with mom and grandma all day there. I know everyone is doing the best they can, but it's just always this now.
    While not this exact situation, I at least have had enough enough experience to know the weight of this situation.

    Is it possible to arrange for either formal or informal part time home care to allow your mother a break at times? I don't know what costs are like for where you are for such a system, or if you have a family friend that could lend a hand, but this could give both your mum and yourself some flexibility.

  15. - Top - End - #1485
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Mith View Post
    While not this exact situation, I at least have had enough enough experience to know the weight of this situation.

    Is it possible to arrange for either formal or informal part time home care to allow your mother a break at times? I don't know what costs are like for where you are for such a system, or if you have a family friend that could lend a hand, but this could give both your mum and yourself some flexibility.
    I've been telling mom for several years now that she needs to get some kind of care in, but she hasn't made any progress in getting that done. Part of the problem is that my stepfather is not comfortable with letting strangers in the house because when his mother needed in-home services many years ago someone stole from her (his mother had macular degeneration and was pretty much blind at that point, so it was quite possible for things to go missing and for her to not notice for a while). My mom's friend also had issues with the in-home care for her father being suspected of kicking his dog. So with two negative stories among the two people she knows went that route, she's been very reluctant to use anything but family members. (I help out sometimes, and mom's SIL covers one or two weekends a year so mom can get a weekend away with her husband. My mom's brother, grandma's only other kid, is apparently not very helpful, so his wife will come for the weekend without him. Whatever, not my marriage.)

    I'm trying to convince my mom to look into adult foster care for grandma, but grandma REALLY does not want to go into care and also doesn't have enough money to make that an easy path to take. Grandma has a small pension, but no assets (unless you count a bunch of VHS tapes recorded off of cable throughout the 80s and 90s as assets - some of them even don't have the end of the show cut off!), so it's a situation where she will never be poor enough to qualify for the assistance programs for the poor (because pension) but does not have the money to self-fund assisted living (because no assets and only a small pension). She basically gets enough from her pension to live modestly in a small apartment and eat out occasionally, which was fine when she was younger but does not come close to paying for care.

  16. - Top - End - #1486
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Algeh View Post
    I've been telling mom for several years now that she needs to get some kind of care in, but she hasn't made any progress in getting that done. Part of the problem is that my stepfather is not comfortable with letting strangers in the house because when his mother needed in-home services many years ago someone stole from her (his mother had macular degeneration and was pretty much blind at that point, so it was quite possible for things to go missing and for her to not notice for a while). My mom's friend also had issues with the in-home care for her father being suspected of kicking his dog. So with two negative stories among the two people she knows went that route, she's been very reluctant to use anything but family members. (I help out sometimes, and mom's SIL covers one or two weekends a year so mom can get a weekend away with her husband. My mom's brother, grandma's only other kid, is apparently not very helpful, so his wife will come for the weekend without him. Whatever, not my marriage.)

    I'm trying to convince my mom to look into adult foster care for grandma, but grandma REALLY does not want to go into care and also doesn't have enough money to make that an easy path to take. Grandma has a small pension, but no assets (unless you count a bunch of VHS tapes recorded off of cable throughout the 80s and 90s as assets - some of them even don't have the end of the show cut off!), so it's a situation where she will never be poor enough to qualify for the assistance programs for the poor (because pension) but does not have the money to self-fund assisted living (because no assets and only a small pension). She basically gets enough from her pension to live modestly in a small apartment and eat out occasionally, which was fine when she was younger but does not come close to paying for care.
    It's unfortunate that those you know have been burned when considering in home care, and that there are such limited options with regards to relying on trusted family members.

    I know this doesn't mean much, especially from a random person on the internet, but best of luck to all of you.

  17. - Top - End - #1487
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    I'm about to face a sudden and drastic change of lifestyle and I could use some advice.

    I come from a very tradicional catholic family and to them women are not supposed to work, they are supposed to be wives. I always disliked this idea and I was able to thankfully subvert their expectations.

    Right now I work as an accountant for a considerable number of companies and I also have some houses and building for rent, without all that I'm able to gather a substantial income. I'm not rich but I'm able to live a comfortable and economic stable life, I was able to get a nice and spacious apartment in a bohemian and trendy part of my favorite city and to complete shut in from the outside world.

    Working at home allowed me to create a very unhealthy and totally degenerate lifestyle. I never leave home and I'm a complete loner.

    The only times I leave the apartment are to:
    -Go to the movies.
    -Go to the theater.
    -Go to museums.
    -Buy stuff I can't have delivered.
    -Have sex.
    -Eat at a cool and fancy restaurant.
    -Travel.

    Besides that I never leave and even these situations are very rare.

    But this may all change now since the winds of destiny decided to screw me up. A cousin of mine had to deal with a divorce and now her husband (Who sustained her since she drop out form school form an early age) died. She had a major break down and had to be institutionalized. I feel for her but I had no ties with most of my family so I didn't care much about.

    The issue is her son has no one to take care of him now, my cousin's mother is very sick and in a nursing home and the other cousins claim they have no money, time or capability of taking care of another kid, most of them work really hard to sustain their own families and many are unemployed right now, so everyone is acting as if I, someone with a a considered extra and disposable income and time would be the best bet to take care of the kid while his mom is recovering.

    The problem is that I never wanted to take care of kids and my entire lifestyle was made with me having no kids in mind, I'm the kind of person who buys vintage gay porn and watch them HD in the living room while drinking wine grape juice, not even to masturbate but just for the aesthetics of the bodies. THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO SHOULD BE RASING OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS for while.

    The issue is that no one knows about my degenerate antics they think I'm just a weird loner not an outright crazy person. And my daily routine is super unhealthy for a kid.

    I just hang out in the internet and play video games until 05:00 go to bed, get up around 11:00 take a shower eat breakfast, start working until 14:00 order something for lunch and have it delivered. Eat lunch. Go back to work until around 18:00 have a one hour break for soem exercise go back to work until 22:00. Eat something light take another shower hang out in the internet or play games until 05:00 and go to bed.

    My main activities are work > internet > Work > Internet > video games. There is no way to fit an entire "raising a kid and helping him out" in my daily life.

    And I hate kids, I didn't like kids even when I was a kid, I used to hang out with the adults. I just hate this whole idea. But no one else wants to take him in and I believe this whole thing is traumatic enough without him being tossed around like a ball.

    So either I'm a terrible person who leaves blood of my blood out in a moment of need or I ajust and adapt my entire life style creating a more healthy environment for a kid while sacrificing all my hard work in creating the perfect life for myself.

    So any tips on how to deal with this situation? Like razing a kid that is not yours and what to do and not do? Thanks.

    TL;DR:

    I live a very unhealthy and degenerate lifestyle, life may change now that I may have to take care of someone's else kid and I don't know what to do since raising kids was NEVER in my plans and such change will force me to modify my entire life to accommodate a more healthy environment for a kid. I don't want to ut I feel I have to and I don't know what to do.
    Last edited by S@tanicoaldo; 2019-04-04 at 01:27 PM.
    I'm not a native english speaker and I'm dyslexic(that doesn't mean I have low IQ quite the opposite actually it means I make a lot of typos).

    So I beg for forgiveness, patience and comprehension.

    Quote Originally Posted by Max_Killjoy View Post
    It's like somewhere along the way, "freedom of speech" became "all negative response is censorship".
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking), and your humility is stunning"

  18. - Top - End - #1488
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Several things come to mind. In chronological order:

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    Working at home allowed me to create a very unhealthy and totally degenerate lifestyle.
    You are missing out, lass. There is something to healthy lifestyle, you should give it a shot. But back to topic:

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    I feel for her but I had no ties with most of my family so I didn't care much about.
    So either I'm a terrible person who leaves blood of my blood out in a moment of need
    Might just be me, but family should not be defined by genetics but personal bonds. But maybe you have some a decent amount of empathy left for your familiy, I don't know. I guess it would help you to think hard about how close you are to your relatives. It sounds to me like you are not close at all.


    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    The issue is her son has no one to take care of him now, my cousin's mother is very sick and in a nursing home and the other cousins claim they have no money, time or capability of taking care of another kid, most of them work really hard to sustain their own families and many are unemployed right now, so everyone is acting as if I, someone with a a considered extra and disposable income and time would be the best bet to take care of the kid while his mom is recovering.
    Translation: They state you have very good reasons why they somebody else should take care of the boy. I dare to suggest that a family person is much better suited to raise a child that hates kids (your words), because children tend not to thrive if their legal guardian despises them.

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    I'm the kind of person who buys vintage gay porn and watch them HD in the living room while drinking wine grape juice
    Not my cup of tea, but you know, many parents are into kinky stuff. They just don't expose their children to this. So this is not actually a valid argument.
    Of course, this might just be an example of how your general lifestyle is unsuited for a child.

    I don't envy your situation, I really don't. You feel responsible for your kind, and that is actually rather virtuous, but at the same time, I have the impression you feel pressured into something that might make you miserable. And maybe the child as well.
    On the other hand, don't take this as a general excuse.

    It basically boils down to how close you feel to those relatives that you ostensibly have no connection to, and how well the child would thrive under your roof anyway.

    Best of luck.
    What can change the nature of a man?

  19. - Top - End - #1489
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    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    TL;DR:

    I live a very unhealthy and degenerate lifestyle, life may change now that I may have to take care of someone's else kid and I don't know what to do since raising kids was NEVER in my plans and such change will force me to modify my entire life to accommodate a more healthy environment for a kid. I don't want to ut I feel I have to and I don't know what to do.
    Where is the dad's family in all of this? If the mom can't take care of her son, the first person whose responsibility it is to care for the child is the father. And if he can't or won't, both sides of the family should be looked to for support, not just yours.

    One thing you might suggest is that, as you don't have the ability or inclination to take in a child, maybe the family can all chip in to ease the financial hardship on whoever becomes primary caregiver? Between multiple cousins, and I assume the parents of you and those cousins, plus the husband's family, providing food and clothing for a child could split out (evenly) as a relatively minor cost for all each month.

    (And I suppose, depending on how traditional Catholic your family actually is, you could always suggest sending him to a monastery. )
    Last edited by ve4grm; 2019-04-04 at 01:54 PM.

  20. - Top - End - #1490
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    I'm about to face a sudden and drastic change of lifestyle and I could use some advice.

    I come from a very tradicional catholic family and to them women are not supposed to work, they are supposed to be wives. I always disliked this idea and I was able to thankfully subvert their expectations.

    Right now I work as an accountant for a considerable number of companies and I also have some houses and building for rent, without all that I'm able to gather a substantial income. I'm not rich but I'm able to live a comfortable and economic stable life, I was able to get a nice and spacious apartment in a bohemian and trendy part of my favorite city and to complete shut in from the outside world.

    Working at home allowed me to create a very unhealthy and totally degenerate lifestyle. I never leave home and I'm a complete loner.

    The only times I leave the apartment are to:
    -Go to the movies.
    -Go to the theater.
    -Go to museums.
    -Buy stuff I can't have delivered.
    -Have sex.
    -Eat at a cool and fancy restaurant.
    -Travel.

    Besides that I never leave and even these situations are very rare.

    But this may all change now since the winds of destiny decided to screw me up. A cousin of mine had to deal with a divorce and now her husband (Who sustained her since she drop out form school form an early age) died. She had a major break down and had to be institutionalized. I feel for her but I had no ties with most of my family so I didn't care much about.

    The issue is her son has no one to take care of him now, my cousin's mother is very sick and in a nursing home and the other cousins claim they have no money, time or capability of taking care of another kid, most of them work really hard to sustain their own families and many are unemployed right now, so everyone is acting as if I, someone with a a considered extra and disposable income and time would be the best bet to take care of the kid while his mom is recovering.

    The problem is that I never wanted to take care of kids and my entire lifestyle was made with me having no kids in mind, I'm the kind of person who buys vintage gay porn and watch them HD in the living room while drinking wine grape juice, not even to masturbate but just for the aesthetics of the bodies. THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO SHOULD BE RASING OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS for while.

    The issue is that no one knows about my degenerate antics they think I'm just a weird loner not an outright crazy person. And my daily routine is super unhealthy for a kid.

    I just hang out in the internet and play video games until 05:00 go to bed, get up around 11:00 take a shower eat breakfast, start working until 14:00 order something for lunch and have it delivered. Eat lunch. Go back to work until around 18:00 have a one hour break for soem exercise go back to work until 22:00. Eat something light take another shower hang out in the internet or play games until 05:00 and go to bed.

    My main activities are work > internet > Work > Internet > video games. There is no way to fit an entire "raising a kid and helping him out" in my daily life.

    And I hate kids, I didn't like kids even when I was a kid, I used to hang out with the adults. I just hate this whole idea. But no one else wants to take him in and I believe this whole thing is traumatic enough without him being tossed around like a ball.

    So either I'm a terrible person who leaves blood of my blood out in a moment of need or I ajust and adapt my entire life style creating a more healthy environment for a kid while sacrificing all my hard work in creating the perfect life for myself.

    So any tips on how to deal with this situation? Like razing a kid that is not yours and what to do and not do? Thanks.

    TL;DR:

    I live a very unhealthy and degenerate lifestyle, life may change now that I may have to take care of someone's else kid and I don't know what to do since raising kids was NEVER in my plans and such change will force me to modify my entire life to accommodate a more healthy environment for a kid. I don't want to ut I feel I have to and I don't know what to do.
    How old is the kid? Do you have any estimates on the timeframe? Is paying for some kind of boarding school or camp thing an option?

    Even if the mother is in a bad place right now, this whole thing could be over in a few weeks. Taking care of the kid would surely upset your routine but not end your lifestyle for ever.

    Btw. totally envious of your lifestyle and props to you for making it happen against presumably quite some resistance. To me, you are living the dream.


    "Children grow up to be people? All the children I knew grew up to be machines."
    ~Augustus von Fabelrath~
    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Somebody should have that sigged.
    Member of Peelee's Church of Sudden Skylight

  21. - Top - End - #1491
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    S@tanicoaldo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    Several things come to mind. In chronological order:

    You are missing out, lass. There is something to healthy lifestyle, you should give it a shot. But back to topic:
    Eh, I don't know. I'm just a very weird, lazy and misanthropic person to live in society. I interact when I need to but from my experience people are not worth the work.

    Hell is other people as they say.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    Might just be me, but family should not be defined by genetics but personal bonds. But maybe you have some a decent amount of empathy left for your familiy, I don't know. I guess it would help you to think hard about how close you are to your relatives. It sounds to me like you are not close at all.
    I know, I'm not close at all. They are all very boring, rude and backwater. But the kid didn't ask for any of this as well and he has my blood on his veins.

    I guess blood ties are just a big thing where I live and you feel bad when your family is suffering even if you are not close.

    Blood is thicker than water or something.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    Translation: They state you have very good reasons why they somebody else should take care of the boy. I dare to suggest that a family person is much better suited to raise a child that hates kids (your words), because children tend not to thrive if their legal guardian despises them.
    I'm not a child but I do hate kids. I know that but by the looks of it he's unwanted everywhere and dislike is not the same as outright despise.

    I won't be rude with the kid or anything I just wish this situation was never a thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    Not my cup of tea, but you know, many parents are into kinky stuff. They just don't expose their children to this. So this is not actually a valid argument.
    Of course, this might just be an example of how your general lifestyle is unsuited for a child.
    Yes, it was an example I won't be watching porn I front of the kid I'm not that stupid or irresponsible.

    The idea is that I won't be able to do stuff I used to do because that my expose him to unsuitable things for his age.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    I don't envy your situation, I really don't. You feel responsible for your kind, and that is actually rather virtuous, but at the same time, I have the impression you feel pressured into something that might make you miserable. And maybe the child as well.
    On the other hand, don't take this as a general excuse.
    I'll try my best to make the kid miserable, but I'll be sacrificing a lot in that process. And yeah there is a lot of pressure.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    It basically boils down to how close you feel to those relatives that you ostensibly have no connection to, and how well the child would thrive under your roof anyway.

    Best of luck.

    Thanks.

    Yeah I would have to do my best to make him thrive, hopefully this won't take very long but it's not the dieal situation for either of us.

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    Where is the dad's family in all of this?
    He's dead. His death was the trigger for this whole thing, she has no job or skills and she just could not take the pressure anymore.

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    If the mom can't take care of her son, the first person whose responsibility it is to care for the child is the father. And if he can't or won't, both sides of the family should be looked to for support, not just yours.
    Both sides are huge jerks who don't give a f*** about the kid.

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    One thing you might suggest is that, as you don't have the ability or inclination to take in a child, maybe the family can all chip in to ease the financial hardship on whoever becomes primary caregiver? Between multiple cousins, and I assume the parents of you and those cousins, plus the husband's family, providing food and clothing for a child could split out (evenly) as a relatively minor cost for all each month.
    I suggest that! It seems unfair to me that one person would have to carry the responsibility and burden and at times like this the family should unite but they all started compalining about how they don't have money, space or time. And how I had the three of it and how it would be good for my "maternal side" to take care of a kid for a while.

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    (And I suppose, depending on how traditional Catholic your family actually is, you could always suggest sending him to a monastery. )
    Don't even joke, I don't know him very well but I know I would hate this if I was him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Iruka View Post
    How old is the kid? Do you have any estimates on the timeframe? Is paying for some kind of boarding school or camp thing an option?
    I dunno, I only saw him twice in my entire life. Rigth now he must be something like 7-9 I really have no idea. The doctor said it was pretty bad.

    Spoiler: Trigger warning
    Show
    She tried to kill herself by cutting her wrists. Her son found her as he came from school and with the help of a neighbor called emergency. She is completely out of reality having both deep depression and delusions, she was severely medicated when I saw her in the hospital. I can only imagine how the kid must be processing all this.


    Boarding schools are not really a thing around here, but that's actually a good idea. I'll take a look. Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Iruka View Post
    Even if the mother is in a bad place right now, this whole thing could be over in a few weeks. Taking care of the kid would surely upset your routine but not end your lifestyle for ever.
    That's what I hope to but only God knows how long it will take. The doctor said it could take months before she is ok to leave and after that weeks before she could go on with her normal routine.

    Quote Originally Posted by Iruka View Post
    Btw. totally envious of your lifestyle and props to you for making it happen against presumably quite some resistance. To me, you are living the dream.
    Thank you. I'm in a really comfortable position right now, all fruits of hard work, blood and sweat. I'm happy with how my life is right now but as they say nothing lasts forever.
    Last edited by S@tanicoaldo; 2019-04-04 at 02:57 PM.
    I'm not a native english speaker and I'm dyslexic(that doesn't mean I have low IQ quite the opposite actually it means I make a lot of typos).

    So I beg for forgiveness, patience and comprehension.

    Quote Originally Posted by Max_Killjoy View Post
    It's like somewhere along the way, "freedom of speech" became "all negative response is censorship".
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking), and your humility is stunning"

  22. - Top - End - #1492
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    I'm about to face a sudden and drastic change of lifestyle and I could use some advice.

    I come from a very tradicional catholic family and to them women are not supposed to work, they are supposed to be wives. I always disliked this idea and I was able to thankfully subvert their expectations.

    Right now I work as an accountant for a considerable number of companies and I also have some houses and building for rent, without all that I'm able to gather a substantial income. I'm not rich but I'm able to live a comfortable and economic stable life, I was able to get a nice and spacious apartment in a bohemian and trendy part of my favorite city and to complete shut in from the outside world.

    Working at home allowed me to create a very unhealthy and totally degenerate lifestyle. I never leave home and I'm a complete loner.

    The only times I leave the apartment are to:
    -Go to the movies.
    -Go to the theater.
    -Go to museums.
    -Buy stuff I can't have delivered.
    -Have sex.
    -Eat at a cool and fancy restaurant.
    -Travel.

    Besides that I never leave and even these situations are very rare.

    But this may all change now since the winds of destiny decided to screw me up. A cousin of mine had to deal with a divorce and now her husband (Who sustained her since she drop out form school form an early age) died. She had a major break down and had to be institutionalized. I feel for her but I had no ties with most of my family so I didn't care much about.

    The issue is her son has no one to take care of him now, my cousin's mother is very sick and in a nursing home and the other cousins claim they have no money, time or capability of taking care of another kid, most of them work really hard to sustain their own families and many are unemployed right now, so everyone is acting as if I, someone with a a considered extra and disposable income and time would be the best bet to take care of the kid while his mom is recovering.

    The problem is that I never wanted to take care of kids and my entire lifestyle was made with me having no kids in mind, I'm the kind of person who buys vintage gay porn and watch them HD in the living room while drinking wine grape juice, not even to masturbate but just for the aesthetics of the bodies. THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO SHOULD BE RASING OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS for while.

    The issue is that no one knows about my degenerate antics they think I'm just a weird loner not an outright crazy person. And my daily routine is super unhealthy for a kid.

    I just hang out in the internet and play video games until 05:00 go to bed, get up around 11:00 take a shower eat breakfast, start working until 14:00 order something for lunch and have it delivered. Eat lunch. Go back to work until around 18:00 have a one hour break for soem exercise go back to work until 22:00. Eat something light take another shower hang out in the internet or play games until 05:00 and go to bed.

    My main activities are work > internet > Work > Internet > video games. There is no way to fit an entire "raising a kid and helping him out" in my daily life.

    And I hate kids, I didn't like kids even when I was a kid, I used to hang out with the adults. I just hate this whole idea. But no one else wants to take him in and I believe this whole thing is traumatic enough without him being tossed around like a ball.

    So either I'm a terrible person who leaves blood of my blood out in a moment of need or I ajust and adapt my entire life style creating a more healthy environment for a kid while sacrificing all my hard work in creating the perfect life for myself.

    So any tips on how to deal with this situation? Like razing a kid that is not yours and what to do and not do? Thanks.

    TL;DR:

    I live a very unhealthy and degenerate lifestyle, life may change now that I may have to take care of someone's else kid and I don't know what to do since raising kids was NEVER in my plans and such change will force me to modify my entire life to accommodate a more healthy environment for a kid. I don't want to ut I feel I have to and I don't know what to do.
    While you describe yourself as a crazy person, you don't seem to be anywhere near actual crazy.

    I'd recommend against keeping the kid in your home, as resentment will seep through and have a strong negative effect on the kid if you feel forced. You also justifiably feel a lack of expertise in the area, and don't seem to have any connection other than blood.

    You said some of the other cousins are unemployed. As such they clearly have the time to take care of an extra child. They may lack the money to do so, but taking care of a child is often not that expensive. Could you put in a good bit of money to help cover the costs so one of hte other cousins could care for the child (i'd assume others would also help pitch in a bit)?
    Last edited by zlefin; 2019-04-04 at 03:05 PM.
    A neat custom class for 3.5 system
    http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94616

    A good set of benchmarks for PF/3.5
    https://rpgwillikers.wordpress.com/2...y-the-numbers/

    An alternate craft point system I made for 3.5
    http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...t-Point-system

  23. - Top - End - #1493
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    S@tanicoaldo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by zlefin View Post
    You said some of the other cousins are unemployed. As such they clearly have the time to take care of an extra child. They may lack the money to do so, but taking care of a child is often not that expensive. Could you put in a good bit of money to help cover the costs so one of hte other cousins could care for the child (i'd assume others would also help pitch in a bit)?
    I said that as well but they argue that they must focus on finding a way to sustain themselves and their family and can't take extra responsibilities.

    When, I argued that they clearly had time and that taking care of a kid is not rocket science they said I had no idea how may interviews and job hunts they had to go thought just to get by and I said I would help them financially they said they didn't want charity and they could solve this temporary issue they just didn't need an extra worry.

    At that moment I realized they just didn't care and stooped trying to argue since the kid was clearly not wanted by them.

    So I was able to see that no one wanted the kid just like me. But unlike me the I didn't outright load the boy for something he had no control over :(
    Last edited by S@tanicoaldo; 2019-04-04 at 03:23 PM.
    I'm not a native english speaker and I'm dyslexic(that doesn't mean I have low IQ quite the opposite actually it means I make a lot of typos).

    So I beg for forgiveness, patience and comprehension.

    Quote Originally Posted by Max_Killjoy View Post
    It's like somewhere along the way, "freedom of speech" became "all negative response is censorship".
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking), and your humility is stunning"

  24. - Top - End - #1494
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    I said that as well but they argue that they must focus on finding a way to sustain themselves and their family and can't take extra responsibilities.

    When, I argued that they clearly had time and that taking care of a kid is not rocket science they said I had no idea how may interviews and job hunts they had to go thought just to get by and I said I would help them financially they said they didn't want charity and they could solve this temporary issue they just didn't need an extra worry.

    At that moment I realized they just didn't care and stooped trying to argue since the kid was clearly not wanted by them.

    So I was able to see that no one wanted the kid just like me. But unlike me the I didn't outright load the boy for something he had no control over :(
    while interviews and job hunts take a lot of time, they shouldn't take THAT much more time than an actual full time job.
    It's also inapt of them to call it charity, as you're not giving them charity at all; the money isn't for them, it's for the kid.
    I concur that they're really just using it as a lie to not take care of a kid they don't want.

    It might be possible to socially pressure one of them into accepting by making it well known to the rest of the family that you're willing to defray the costs of the kid so it won't hurt any of them financially. It's easier for them to refuse in a private discussion than a more open venue where excuses of finance can be shot down and the importance of looking after family can be raised.
    Or You could bring up the things about you the rest of the family would strongly disapprove of but doesn't know about, in order to push the premise that you shouldn't be taking care of a child. It'd be harder for them to refuse the kid when you put stuff like that forth; and it doesn't sound like giving them more reasons to dislike you would be a problem.
    But that'd still mean the kid is with someone who doesn't want him.
    (there also might be some other ways to pressure them into accepting if you want brainstorming on those prospects, though the issue above would very much remain)

    hmm, looking at the other answers, the kid's still fairly young that he'd need a lot of looking after.

    I wonder what the rest of the family would say if you said you'd take the kid in as you have the time, but demand that they all chip in to fully cover the cost, since you'll be the one taking the time and responsibility, so they should cover the cost.
    A neat custom class for 3.5 system
    http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94616

    A good set of benchmarks for PF/3.5
    https://rpgwillikers.wordpress.com/2...y-the-numbers/

    An alternate craft point system I made for 3.5
    http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...t-Point-system

  25. - Top - End - #1495
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    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    He's dead. His death was the trigger for this whole thing, she has no job or skills and she just could not take the pressure anymore.
    My mistake, I apologize. I had re-skimmed the post, and saw the divorce, but apparently missed the death. That's a terrible thing for a kid to go through.

  26. - Top - End - #1496
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    This might be rather expensive but could you hire either a younger family member or someone outside the family to act as a nanny/au pair? You wouldn't need to interact with the kid as often and if the nanny keeps them busy off doing things a lot of the time, then they wouldn't be home very many hours of the day.

  27. - Top - End - #1497
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    If the mother is institutionalized, the father has passed, and the family can't or won't take care of the child it sounds like it is time to look at foster homes or adoption options (depending on the likelihood of the mother recovering.) You aren't any more responsible for taking on a child you don't want than the rest of the family, and if you don't know the child personally having you or another stranger care for them is moot.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  28. - Top - End - #1498
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    Kesnit's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    TL;DR:

    I live a very unhealthy and degenerate lifestyle, life may change now that I may have to take care of someone's else kid and I don't know what to do since raising kids was NEVER in my plans and such change will force me to modify my entire life to accommodate a more healthy environment for a kid. I don't want to ut I feel I have to and I don't know what to do.
    DON'T DO IT!!!

    I don't care if you think it would only be a short time until the mother gets herself back together. From the sound of things, that will likely take a long while - likely more than a year. Maybe years.

    You do not like children, and it not fair to the boy - who is already in a crappy situation - to put him with someone who does not want him, does not like him, and has no idea how to deal with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thrawn4 View Post
    Translation: They state you have very good reasons why they somebody else should take care of the boy. I dare to suggest that a family person is much better suited to raise a child that hates kids (your words), because children tend not to thrive if their legal guardian despises them.
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by Iruka View Post
    Is paying for some kind of boarding school or camp thing an option?
    If you can find a boarding school, that would be a good idea. He's around kids, he's in a new environment that doesn't remind him of the trauma, he's being watched by adults who want to do it, and who are being paid to do it, and it leaves the door open for him to go back to his mother whenever she can do so. It also keeps him out of the foster system, which has it's own problems. (That isn't to say the foster system is always a nightmare, but there are well known issues.)

    Even if the mother is in a bad place right now, this whole thing could be over in a few weeks.
    I doubt it. First mom has to get herself back to a stable mental situation, which in itself could be months. Then she has to rebuild her life. The OP indicated that the father has been taking care of the mother all of the mother's adult life. From the sound of it, the mother doesn't have a high school diploma or GED. Without those, mother is almost certainly not going to find a job that will allow her to support herself and the boy. Building from scratch is possible, but slow. Dealing with mental issues and a son is just going to make it slower.

    Quote Originally Posted by S@tanicoaldo View Post
    I'm not a child but I do hate kids. I know that but by the looks of it he's unwanted everywhere and dislike is not the same as outright despise.
    Doesn't matter. The kid already knows he's a burden (and possibly blames himself for his mother's suicide attempt). He does not need it shoved in his face every day, even by someone who is trying to do the best thing.

    And how I had the three of it and how it would be good for my "maternal side" to take care of a kid for a while.
    I get the impression you don't have a maternal side. (Nothing wrong with that, BTW. I decided when I was 12 I was never having kids. In the past 30 years, nothing has come close to changing my mind...)
    Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

    Proud member of the "I Love Anyway" Club

    Thank you, Ceika, so much for the avatar!

  29. - Top - End - #1499
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Alternatively, when he gets thrown in boarding school rather than to anyone in his own family, he will come to the conclusion that nobody in his family wanted him since Dad ran out and died, and his mother is in a mental hospital.

    I'd say that would do a number on a child's mental health.

    I live a very unhealthy and degenerate lifestyle, life may change now that I may have to take care of someone's else kid and I don't know what to do since raising kids was NEVER in my plans and such change will force me to modify my entire life to accommodate a more healthy environment for a kid. I don't want to ut I feel I have to and I don't know what to do.
    His father is dead and his mother is in the loony bin, possibly for months or years. He needs someone to take care of him and raise him, if not right, then with an ounce of care.

    If you value your own self admitted degenerate lifestyle more than making a good, healthy environment for him, don't take him.

    Alternatively, come clean and inform your family that your home life is unhealthy for a child and do not hold back anything. A traditional catholic family is not going to consider the woman who puts HD gay porn on in the living room as a good pick to raise a child.
    Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo.

    When Gods Go To War comes out March 8th

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  30. - Top - End - #1500
    Titan in the Playground
     
    DrowGuy

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    Dec 2015

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Hello everybody. I feel like that I'm going to an unfriend my mentally unstable friend on Facebook. I know him in my childhood school. He's into cosplay and he's always going to drama with his girlfriend and crazy stuff. This isn't the first time that happens. A few months ago he wanted to commit suicide and cops show up at his house. He deactivated his Facebook account and got help. A few months later he reactivated his Facebook and feel better. Things went well until today I saw his Facebook post about his mother hated him. I reply to his post and being very supported but he was angry at me for supporting him. Then he talks to me on Messenger and wanted to call him. I just realized that he's really a psycho with ulterior motives. No matter how many times I supported him he refused any supported from me. So what do you think, should I continue being friends with him or dump him and move on?
    Last edited by Bartmanhomer; 2019-04-04 at 09:15 PM.

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