Personal Woes and Advice 5

[WarKitty]

And sometimes, people express concern by offering advice. I don't think people are trying to be unsympathetic, just...It's a common response?

I was referring specifically to being told things like "well if it was that bad, you'd find some way out" or "well if you're not going to fix it maybe you should stop talking about it." If someone wants to offer advice, great, I'm listening! Just don't assume if I don't take it and have it immediately make everything better that it means I don't really want anything to change.

[Honest Tiefling]

Fair enough, I do get why you'd be frustrated hearing those things. Regardless, I do hope your situation improves.

[WarKitty]

Yeah at this point it's just a matter of getting a better job - whether that is by better pay, better benefits, or just one somewhere cheaper.

Y'all know how that goes - you put out your applications and see what happens.

[AuthorGirl]

This . . . is really shallow teenage-angst type stuff, but . . .

School starts next week (and I’m homeschooled, so that means six days a week trying to measure up to my grandparents’ standards); karate class goes back to its usual (tougher) schedule next week *cue dissatisfaction with my body*; I go back to my job tomorrow, and it’s uncertain whether I can keep it; piano lessons started again today, and I’m going to Royal Conservatory Level 8 as well as Suzuki Book 4, which are reasonably high levels of demanding courses; my gamer group seems to want to meet more often; my personal life is, pardon my language, ****; my parents are really loading on the chores and my grandmother won’t stop coming over and yelling at me to “be proactive” and clean the entire house by myself (neither will she stop criticizing my father or my hobbies, but let’s not open that can of worms).

I know I’ve done this to myself in a way: I’ve built high expectations. The problem is, everything I’m involved with is being kicked up a notch, and I don’t think I can continue churning out work of the quality that is expected by my various evaluators. (And I can forget pleasing myself, because someone always tears me down when I manage that, whereas they tell me to stop looking for attention when I’m genuinely unhappy with what I’ve accomplished. See? I told you this was teenage angst.)

There is one silver lining: AuthorGirl the church secretary has to do her job again because regular services are resuming, and I know that’ll make me feel better. Problem is, my church is big on musicianship and youth activism, both of which are extremely time-consuming for this musically inclined young person.

The aforementioned hobbies involve projects which I really, truly do not want to abandon: books, poetry, a roleplaying system, art. It’s looking like they’ll all be relegated to Sunday evening so that I can scrape by with everything else . . . but, no exaggeration, they are the only things keeping me happy right now.

Yeah, I know I’m not dealing with anything at all compared to what older generations of my family have gone through. I know the things I struggle with are nothing compared to the mental and physical illnesses my friends bear with so much grace.

I still don’t know if I can handle all of this.

[Recherché]

You are not dealing with nothing at all. You're dealing with the hopes and expectations of an entire clan coming down on you. Your older generations may have had to deal with things as well but that does not make your issues irrelevant. I'm not sure entirely how to help with this but it's not nothing.

My first random thought would actually be to write the entirety of your incredibly busy schedule down including travel times and any overlapping events. Post it up prominently and every time someone asks you to do something make them write it in and sign it. This way you at least have a record to show people of how very little time you actually have to do anything and to show them what's taking up your time.

[WarKitty]

My first random thought would actually be to write the entirety of your incredibly busy schedule down including travel times and any overlapping events. Post it up prominently and every time someone asks you to do something make them write it in and sign it. This way you at least have a record to show people of how very little time you actually have to do anything and to show them what's taking up your time.

This isn't a bad idea. You can frame it as "getting organized" or something. I might back off on making people sign it, but having people write it in isn't a bad idea. Or if nothing else it's something you can show your family.

Writing down what you have done also isn't a bad idea. Maybe don't be too obvious about it. But if someone asks why you're not helping out around the house, it's not wrong to point out what you have been doing. A lot of people have a tendency to see what isn't done and not notice what is done.

Also, teenage angst is a stupid idea, for a lot of reasons. One, teenagers need downtime just like adults do. Two, I think adults forget that everything is easy once you know how to do it. High school subjects are easy for me because I've been through high school and college and learned how to do everything.

Come to think of it, could you enlist your family's help in writing out a schedule for yourself? E.g. I spend X amount of time on math, X on writing. I do chore A on Monday and chore B on Tuesday. Karate is Tuesday and Thursday and my music teacher wants me to practice for 90min a day. Adults tend to like it when kids try to "be responsible" by scheduling everything.

That last bit is, I think, the key. Approach the adults as you want to be responsible and make sure everything is getting done and ask for their help in managing it.

[AuthorGirl]

This isn't a bad idea. You can frame it as "getting organized" or something. I might back off on making people sign it, but having people write it in isn't a bad idea. Or if nothing else it's something you can show your family.

Yeah, it's actually quite a good idea (thanks, Recherche) - it probably would be useful. (Might even help me get organized.) The one potential problem is that my twin brother has the same schedule and doesn't dissolve into tears over it.

Writing down what you have done also isn't a bad idea. Maybe don't be too obvious about it. But if someone asks why you're not helping out around the house, it's not wrong to point out what you have been doing. A lot of people have a tendency to see what isn't done and not notice what is done.

When I say yelling at me . . . I really mean yelling at me. I mean shouting that the house is a pigsty, my brother and I are obviously just skating along on the bare minimum of effort, don't we care about our mother at all, we always take extra time for our friends but never for our responsibilities . . . this stuff is the opposite of true, but it's almost a direct quote from the day before yesterday. Pointing out what's been done makes it worse.

Also, teenage angst is a stupid idea, for a lot of reasons. One, teenagers need downtime just like adults do. Two, I think adults forget that everything is easy once you know how to do it. High school subjects are easy for me because I've been through high school and college and learned how to do everything.

. . . oh yeah, those are really good points.

Come to think of it, could you enlist your family's help in writing out a schedule for yourself? E.g. I spend X amount of time on math, X on writing. I do chore A on Monday and chore B on Tuesday. Karate is Tuesday and Thursday and my music teacher wants me to practice for 90min a day. Adults tend to like it when kids try to "be responsible" by scheduling everything.

Your wild guess/psychic knowledge as to my schedule is somewhat unnerving

That last bit is, I think, the key. Approach the adults as you want to be responsible and make sure everything is getting done and ask for their help in managing it.

Yeah. That sounds sensible. I'll get started on that schedule. Thanks!

[WarKitty]

Yeah, it's actually quite a good idea (thanks, Recherche) - it probably would be useful. (Might even help me get organized.) The one potential problem is that my twin brother has the same schedule and doesn't dissolve into tears over it.

Could you talk to him about it? I'm a person who doesn't cry a whole lot. It doesn't mean I'm not super stressed out and not coping, but it does mean I'm the sort of person who looks calm right up until I freak out completely.

When I say yelling at me . . . I really mean yelling at me. I mean shouting that the house is a pigsty, my brother and I are obviously just skating along on the bare minimum of effort, don't we care about our mother at all, we always take extra time for our friends but never for our responsibilities . . . this stuff is the opposite of true, but it's almost a direct quote from the day before yesterday. Pointing out what's been done makes it worse.

Yeah, been there done that. Best thing you can do is remind yourself that her temper is her issue, not your issue. Do you get in trouble after these sessions or is it just her yelling? It might be good to come up with some small tasks that you can do quickly to be "doing something" when needed.

Also, I was a homeschool kid who did advanced piano for years, along with karate lessons. I have a pretty good idea what the schedule looks like.

[Honest Tiefling]

If your church is heavy into Youth Activism and music for people in school, wouldn't someone there have some advice? I don't really know how churches are run, but I assume some adult there has heard this before and can at least give better advice then us.

As for Grandmother, yelling at family is not okay. Unless I am missing a piece of the puzzle, she sounds like an awful person. Don't ever justify yourself to her, you are only opening yourself up for an argument which is what attention seeking screamers often want. I would suggest disengaging yourself, aka, walk away. She wants to scream at a teenager to make herself better? Make it clear you aren't up for that and don't have time for her. Put in ear plugs if you must. Just grunt in her general direction until she goes away.

If your mother objects, do remind her she is letting her mother yell at HER CHILD. That is not how a healthy family acts.

[AuthorGirl]

If your church is heavy into Youth Activism and music for people in school, wouldn't someone there have some advice? I don't really know how churches are run, but I assume some adult there has heard this before and can at least give better advice then us.

As for Grandmother, yelling at family is not okay. Unless I am missing a piece of the puzzle, she sounds like an awful person. Don't ever justify yourself to her, you are only opening yourself up for an argument which is what attention seeking screamers often want. I would suggest disengaging yourself, aka, walk away. She wants to scream at a teenager to make herself better? Make it clear you aren't up for that and don't have time for her. Put in ear plugs if you must. Just grunt in her general direction until she goes away.

If your mother objects, do remind her she is letting her mother yell at HER CHILD. That is not how a healthy family acts.

Maybe? There aren't very many young people in my church, which could be why the expectations stack up pretty fast.

Grandma's not awful, just . . . a bit controlling. I don't think Mama knows about the yelling; Grandma will either interrupt a class in "school" (which my parents are not involved with), or come over sometime when my brother and I are home alone. (He's good at just walking away. I should learn a few things from him.)

[Velaryon]

There's lots of things here we talk about that we don't have an easy way to change at the moment.

I feel like modern american society has gotten worked up in a way where if an adult can't 100% make it on their own with no assistance, it's implicitly treated as a moral failing. And that in virtue of needing help they lose all right to object to anything that anyone does. I mean, there are a lot of things that I am allowed to do that I don't do because they would be mean or hurtful. I think a lot of people cross what a person has a right to do with what they ought to do.

I've had lots of people tell me, regarding my health, that if I really wanted I'd "find a way" to work when I wasn't even able to get out of bed and shower reliably. Or that I'd somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).

Although my situation was otherwise not much like yours, I am familiar with being stuck with family as an adult and the feeling that you have no right to complain if you aren't out there supporting yourself. It sucks, because you're probably doing enough of that to yourself even without family and friends laying more of it on you.

You need to get out as soon as you can. You know this already, and you probably did even before everyone here told you. In the meantime, all I can suggest for ways to cope is to minimize contact with your toxic mom as much as possible, and take any small steps you can toward making that eventual exit come a little sooner. Figure out how much money you would need to get out on your own, if you haven't yet. If the issue is finding a better job, try to spend some time every day working toward that if you can. If you don't have the skills to get the kind of jobs you want, are there ways to obtain said skills on a budget? For example, your local library may have access to materials either in the building or through their website that could be useful, or maybe there's a local community college that offers individual classes and/or certification programs that would be a good start. In the meantime, I and probably others here are happy to supply all the virtual hugs, sounding boards for frustration, and/or shoulders to cry on that we can.

This . . . is really shallow teenage-angst type stuff, but . . .

School starts next week (and I’m homeschooled, so that means six days a week trying to measure up to my grandparents’ standards); karate class goes back to its usual (tougher) schedule next week *cue dissatisfaction with my body*; I go back to my job tomorrow, and it’s uncertain whether I can keep it; piano lessons started again today, and I’m going to Royal Conservatory Level 8 as well as Suzuki Book 4, which are reasonably high levels of demanding courses; my gamer group seems to want to meet more often; my personal life is, pardon my language, ****; my parents are really loading on the chores and my grandmother won’t stop coming over and yelling at me to “be proactive” and clean the entire house by myself (neither will she stop criticizing my father or my hobbies, but let’s not open that can of worms).

I know I’ve done this to myself in a way: I’ve built high expectations. The problem is, everything I’m involved with is being kicked up a notch, and I don’t think I can continue churning out work of the quality that is expected by my various evaluators. (And I can forget pleasing myself, because someone always tears me down when I manage that, whereas they tell me to stop looking for attention when I’m genuinely unhappy with what I’ve accomplished. See? I told you this was teenage angst.)

There is one silver lining: AuthorGirl the church secretary has to do her job again because regular services are resuming, and I know that’ll make me feel better. Problem is, my church is big on musicianship and youth activism, both of which are extremely time-consuming for this musically inclined young person.

The aforementioned hobbies involve projects which I really, truly do not want to abandon: books, poetry, a roleplaying system, art. It’s looking like they’ll all be relegated to Sunday evening so that I can scrape by with everything else . . . but, no exaggeration, they are the only things keeping me happy right now.

Yeah, I know I’m not dealing with anything at all compared to what older generations of my family have gone through. I know the things I struggle with are nothing compared to the mental and physical illnesses my friends bear with so much grace.

I still don’t know if I can handle all of this.

You don't have to be suicidally depressed or stuck in an abusive home to have legitimate difficulties in your life. One thing that adults tend to forget is that teenage years are a very confusing and difficult time in the human life, even without all the additional demands on your time that have become increasingly common over the years. You have recently undergone or are still undergoing massive physiological changes that throw a massive monkey wrench into the daily routine. We all go through this, but many adults forget what it was like when they didn't have years' worth of experience to draw on when it comes to dealing with hormonal changes, new body issues, and constantly being boxed up with a bunch of other hormonal teenagers (though since you're homeschooled, this last one might be less of a thing for you).

On top of that, you've got a lot of formal obligations and other things tying up your time that didn't used to be as common back in the day. Not everyone has a job during school. Not everyone has martial arts classes and music lessons on top of their normal schooling to juggle all at once. Are these activities you've chosen, or are they obligations that have been placed on you? Even if you enjoy both, do you want/need to keep committing significant time to them right now in your life? Speaking from experience, it's entirely possible to take a break from martial arts and come back in a few years to take it up again. You might lose a step or two, but that old saying "it's like riding a bike" is true. I took four years off from my American Kenpo studies before coming back to it, so if that's a thing you have to do, it isn't the end of the world. The same is true of music lessons, though you sound more passionate about that so maybe you're less likely to want to take a break from that.

If your gaming group wants to meet more often than your schedule permits, you could suggest that they start a second game for when you're not available. It kinda sucks when many of the gaming stories start being ones that you weren't there to be part of, but you'll still have the current game and they'll probably let you join the other one too if your schedule frees up a little. Or if you're the GM, consider asking one of the others to take over for awhile so that you can relax and just be a player for awhile - it's less stressful and time-consuming.

I definitely third, fourth, or however many the suggestion of writing down your schedule. This not only gives you concrete evidence of how busy you are whenever a friend or family member thinks you're blowing them off, but it also is a useful time management tool in its own right. If you know you only have X amount of time for music practice, it can help you get started instead of procrastinating for half an hour while you browse the forums, Facebook on your phone, or other ways you might be losing time during your day without realizing it.

[2D8HP]

...somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).

Sounds like you're paying rent to your stress-inducing-mom (henceforth "SIM").

In my area young adults typically split rent for housing with others.

Anyway you may share rent with a roommate or roommates instead of living with the SIM?

[AuthorGirl]

You don't have to be suicidally depressed or stuck in an abusive home to have legitimate difficulties in your life. One thing that adults tend to forget is that teenage years are a very confusing and difficult time in the human life, even without all the additional demands on your time that have become increasingly common over the years. You have recently undergone or are still undergoing massive physiological changes that throw a massive monkey wrench into the daily routine. We all go through this, but many adults forget what it was like when they didn't have years' worth of experience to draw on when it comes to dealing with hormonal changes, new body issues, and constantly being boxed up with a bunch of other hormonal teenagers (though since you're homeschooled, this last one might be less of a thing for you).

Thank you. And thanks to everyone else who said much the same thing.

On top of that, you've got a lot of formal obligations and other things tying up your time that didn't used to be as common back in the day. Not everyone has a job during school. Not everyone has martial arts classes and music lessons on top of their normal schooling to juggle all at once. Are these activities you've chosen, or are they obligations that have been placed on you? Even if you enjoy both, do you want/need to keep committing significant time to them right now in your life? Speaking from experience, it's entirely possible to take a break from martial arts and come back in a few years to take it up again. You might lose a step or two, but that old saying "it's like riding a bike" is true. I took four years off from my American Kenpo studies before coming back to it, so if that's a thing you have to do, it isn't the end of the world. The same is true of music lessons, though you sound more passionate about that so maybe you're less likely to want to take a break from that.

Hmm, that provokes some thought. Usually "you have so many more things going on in your life than your parents/grandparents did!" is presented as an unequivocally good thing.

I've already dropped out of Girl Guides, so that helps.

Unfortunately, I do want to keep karate and music.

If your gaming group wants to meet more often than your schedule permits, you could suggest that they start a second game for when you're not available. It kinda sucks when many of the gaming stories start being ones that you weren't there to be part of, but you'll still have the current game and they'll probably let you join the other one too if your schedule frees up a little. Or if you're the GM, consider asking one of the others to take over for awhile so that you can relax and just be a player for awhile - it's less stressful and time-consuming.

I'm not the GM, though I was initially planning to just take a break and work out some details of my homebrew. Now I think I'll let that be a fairly low-priority project.

And, though I feel a bit guilty for being happy about this, a few of my gamer friends seem to be getting reminders that their schedules are difficult too. So I predict fewer requests to "play again tomorrow, it's Saturday right?"

I definitely third, fourth, or however many the suggestion of writing down your schedule. This not only gives you concrete evidence of how busy you are whenever a friend or family member thinks you're blowing them off, but it also is a useful time management tool in its own right. If you know you only have X amount of time for music practice, it can help you get started instead of procrastinating for half an hour while you browse the forums, Facebook on your phone, or other ways you might be losing time during your day without realizing it.

Yes. So far it's excellent for time management, I just need to ask about some chores that are scheduled in advance instead of randomly selected every morning. (Usually by note, because my parents leave very early for work and, though I've tried, I can't wake up that early.)

[Velaryon]

Thank you. And thanks to everyone else who said much the same thing.

You're welcome. It's stressful and it sucks sometimes, but you'll make it through. Too many adults forget what being a teenager was like for them, and also fail to realize that if anything it's harder now because more responsibility and more demands on your time have been piled on.

I'm not sure what all else to suggest in terms of lightening your load a bit, but I hope you'll find a way.


-------------------------

My own day isn't going so well either. Tonight was supposed to be my first Teen Advisory Board meeting at my new library, and also my first High School Action Committee (apparently in the past we've had some teens who were so committed to volunteering they asked for a second group in addition to the TAB). Not one single teen came to either meeting. I don't know if I scheduled it on a bad day, failed to promote it properly, or if I just had bad luck, but I'm already struggling with Impostor Syndrome in this job and this sure as hell isn't helping.

[Algeh]

My own day isn't going so well either. Tonight was supposed to be my first Teen Advisory Board meeting at my new library, and also my first High School Action Committee (apparently in the past we've had some teens who were so committed to volunteering they asked for a second group in addition to the TAB). Not one single teen came to either meeting. I don't know if I scheduled it on a bad day, failed to promote it properly, or if I just had bad luck, but I'm already struggling with Impostor Syndrome in this job and this sure as hell isn't helping.

I'm not sure about the timing where you live, but this is the first week of school in my district. That's a really difficult time to do teen outreach because they're overwhelmed with getting school going, and because announcements at school are so crowded with school-things that it's difficult for an "outside" announcement like this to make the announcement list to get attention from new recruits.

It may get better soon as they settle in.

[AuthorGirl]

I'm not sure about the timing where you live, but this is the first week of school in my district. That's a really difficult time to do teen outreach because they're overwhelmed with getting school going, and because announcements at school are so crowded with school-things that it's difficult for an "outside" announcement like this to make the announcement list to get attention from new recruits.

It may get better soon as they settle in.

This. I'd suggest two weeks from now as a good time for outreach.

Also, might the really committed teens have graduated or moved?

[Velaryon]

I'm not sure about the timing where you live, but this is the first week of school in my district. That's a really difficult time to do teen outreach because they're overwhelmed with getting school going, and because announcements at school are so crowded with school-things that it's difficult for an "outside" announcement like this to make the announcement list to get attention from new recruits.

It may get better soon as they settle in.

It isn't the first week here, but it may be the second. Still maybe too early.

This. I'd suggest two weeks from now as a good time for outreach.

Also, might the really committed teens have graduated or moved?

A couple have, but looking at the list of teens from last year, I should still have had a good crowd, scheduling and outreach concerns notwithstanding.

[The Extinguisher]

My cat is getting sick again
He's got a bladder issue that causes it to get all gunked up and get crystals in his urinary tract. Twice now it's gotten so bad we had to take him in to get surgery. He's on special food and getting shots every six weeks, and it's been a long time since he's had any issues. But if the shots aren't working anymore and he's not getting better, I don't know what I'm going to do. It cost around $1400 the last time we had to take him in.

I'm so worried right now

[WarKitty]

Although my situation was otherwise not much like yours, I am familiar with being stuck with family as an adult and the feeling that you have no right to complain if you aren't out there supporting yourself. It sucks, because you're probably doing enough of that to yourself even without family and friends laying more of it on you.

You need to get out as soon as you can. You know this already, and you probably did even before everyone here told you. In the meantime, all I can suggest for ways to cope is to minimize contact with your toxic mom as much as possible, and take any small steps you can toward making that eventual exit come a little sooner. Figure out how much money you would need to get out on your own, if you haven't yet. If the issue is finding a better job, try to spend some time every day working toward that if you can. If you don't have the skills to get the kind of jobs you want, are there ways to obtain said skills on a budget? For example, your local library may have access to materials either in the building or through their website that could be useful, or maybe there's a local community college that offers individual classes and/or certification programs that would be a good start. In the meantime, I and probably others here are happy to supply all the virtual hugs, sounding boards for frustration, and/or shoulders to cry on that we can.

Yeah I am trying. The other concern right now is that my health seems to be acting up pretty badly again. Because of american law and practice, I have more protection and options if I'm at a job that I've been working than if I'm at a new job. There's also the danger that if I start at a new job I might have to switch to insurance with a new deductible. I'm hoping we can figure out this mess soon (I have a test in a week and a half).

It's just frustrating because I feel like there's a special stigma against children living with parents. I feel like if I were, say, a married woman depending on a spouse due to ill health, I'd get a lot more support. I've also had a lot of people who just seem to assume that because I'm complaining about a parent, the default assumption is that I'm just a whiny kid who hasn't grown up. (I did, thankfully, have one sane person point out that complaining to your child about their other parent is pretty much always not ok.)

Sounds like you're paying rent to your stress-inducing-mom (henceforth "SIM").

In my area young adults typically split rent for housing with others.

Anyway you may share rent with a roommate or roommates instead of living with the SIM?

Oh I am. But the calculations I'm making are including living with roommates, or renting a single room rather than an apartment. Also see above on medical care.

[Velaryon]

My cat is getting sick again
He's got a bladder issue that causes it to get all gunked up and get crystals in his urinary tract. Twice now it's gotten so bad we had to take him in to get surgery. He's on special food and getting shots every six weeks, and it's been a long time since he's had any issues. But if the shots aren't working anymore and he's not getting better, I don't know what I'm going to do. It cost around $1400 the last time we had to take him in.

I'm so worried right now

*hugs* I've been there. My parents are starting to go through this as well, as their older cat is not eating very much, has lost several pounds since her last checkup, and may or may not have some kind of cancer that it will take a specialist and a lot of money to identify. I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but I'm glad you shared and I hope a solution can be found.

Yeah I am trying. The other concern right now is that my health seems to be acting up pretty badly again. Because of american law and practice, I have more protection and options if I'm at a job that I've been working than if I'm at a new job. There's also the danger that if I start at a new job I might have to switch to insurance with a new deductible. I'm hoping we can figure out this mess soon (I have a test in a week and a half).

It's just frustrating because I feel like there's a special stigma against children living with parents. I feel like if I were, say, a married woman depending on a spouse due to ill health, I'd get a lot more support. I've also had a lot of people who just seem to assume that because I'm complaining about a parent, the default assumption is that I'm just a whiny kid who hasn't grown up. (I did, thankfully, have one sane person point out that complaining to your child about their other parent is pretty much always not ok.)

I definitely agree that adults who still live with their parents face a certain stigma. It certainly is a disadvantage for single people looking for a relationship, as I've learned the hard way. It's also stressful and frustrating in a way that many people who got out on their own at a younger age probably don't understand. Finally, for people who struggle with self-esteem issues and depression, it's more ammo for you to batter yourself with.

[The Extinguisher]

*hugs* I've been there. My parents are starting to go through this as well, as their older cat is not eating very much, has lost several pounds since her last checkup, and may or may not have some kind of cancer that it will take a specialist and a lot of money to identify. I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but I'm glad you shared and I hope a solution can be found.

Thanks for the support. I was really freaking out last night and having a place to share was super helpful.

The good news is we just at the vet all day, and while he does have an infection, nothing is blocked up. We have some meds for him to help clear it up. We were able to catch it early enough that it didn't become a big deal

[Velaryon]

Thanks for the support. I was really freaking out last night and having a place to share was super helpful.

The good news is we just at the vet all day, and while he does have an infection, nothing is blocked up. We have some meds for him to help clear it up. We were able to catch it early enough that it didn't become a big deal

Whew! Does that mean you've managed to avoid the expensive surgery this time around? I hope so!

If I'm understanding right, it sounds like this might be a recurring chronic issue. As long as you can catch it early like this, maybe treatments won't get to the point of it being too expensive or life-threatening.

[JNAProductions]

So around Friday, I was talking to my friend. She and I arranged to meet up today, after work.

And she canceled on me about an hour ago. :(

Feeling kinda lonely.

[Comrade]

So around Friday, I was talking to my friend. She and I arranged to meet up today, after work.

And she canceled on me about an hour ago. :(

Feeling kinda lonely.

Sorry to hear it. It's always a bummer when somebody's got to cancel plans you were looking forward to, even if it's for a good reason and you don't hold it against them.

I've been pretty torn over a decision I'll have to make-- genuinely unable to choose between two options, not 'implicitly I know what I want to do and I just want people to validate that choice'. For the past several months I've been planning to move to Denmark and pursue a career as an English teacher, but some recent prodding from family has had me reconsidering this plan of action; the alternative would be to stay in the US to complete my schooling in another subject (most likely in political science or international relations) and then seek to go into politics. I've been weighing the pros and cons of both these scenarios, and neither is wanting for compelling reasons.

Reasons for staying the course: I love Denmark. I'd never actually experienced love for a country before I went there and just about the moment I came back from my first trip there I decided I wanted to make a home for myself there. This is pretty much the single greatest force motivating me to stay the course; aside from that, there's also the fact that I've never been able to settle on what exactly I wanted to do with myself (college took me so damn long because I kept bouncing from major to major, always finding myself drawn to a different career path), and part of me feels like that needs to stop and I need to finally just stick with one plan, one career choice.

Cons: Aside from the logistics and the cost of moving, bringing my possessions to another country, acclimating to living in another country, the fact is I've struggled a lot with Danish since I started learning it; my reading and writing is fairly good, but for one reason or another I just struggle terribly with understanding spoken Danish, which is an obvious impediment to living there and an even more obvious impediment to teaching there. Furthermore, teaching English as a career choice was never out of passion for teaching so much as out of convenience, as it seemed like the best way to find a niche that needs filling in another country: in other words, it was pretty much just an extension of moving to Denmark. I have very little actual passion for teaching.

Reasons for changing gears to staying here and going into political studies: Again, aside from sparing myself and my family (because I'd need their help to move) the financial and time-related costs of moving to another country, I'd not have to master another language or adjust to another country. More importantly, politics is a huge passion of mine and the thought of going into that as a career-- or even seeking out elected office-- was always a dream of mine in my youth. I love reading about political figures and presidents and it always seemed like the best way to do the most good for the most amount of people, so it's a natural career choice.

Cons: I'd be giving up on the notion of living in a country I genuinely love and want to be part of; my political lens is distinctly American, and I really doubt I could go into politics in Denmark. Moreover, it'd mean the months I've spent trying to beat Danish into my skull were months wasted, because inasmuch as I recognise and appreciate the value of learning another language, I was principally learning it because I'd need it to move to Denmark. And, well, I'd feel silly doing a 180 yet again after all these months going on about how much I love Denmark and how determined I am to make a new life there. I don't want people to think of me as flighty or indecisive or something (even if this entire quandary kind of points to me being very much the latter). But mainly, it's just that I really, really like Denmark and I'd love to make a home for myself there, and I'd be giving up on that.

I'm torn. The second I feel like I'm starting to lean one way, I remember all the reasons I have to be leaning the other way. Putting those doubts into words helped a little, at least, though if anybody has any perspectives or advice they'd like to share, I'm all ears, because I still don't know what, ultimately, is the right path for me to take.

[dehro]

If anything, having issues with the spoken language should be a driving force pushing you to go there, for however briefly, anytime you can. Moving there would force you to learn, to practice and to, finally, understand, because your daily life and livelyhood would depend on it, and the full immersion can only make things gradually easier.
If politics is an interest of yours, you could get into journalism and write for US news outlets about Denmark/Europe, or for Danish newspapers about US politics.
The other considerations are practical or... emotional.. and you're really the best person to consider their merit.

[Velaryon]

I've been pretty torn over a decision I'll have to make-- genuinely unable to choose between two options, not 'implicitly I know what I want to do and I just want people to validate that choice'. For the past several months I've been planning to move to Denmark and pursue a career as an English teacher, but some recent prodding from family has had me reconsidering this plan of action; the alternative would be to stay in the US to complete my schooling in another subject (most likely in political science or international relations) and then seek to go into politics. I've been weighing the pros and cons of both these scenarios, and neither is wanting for compelling reasons.

I didn't quote the rest of the post for length reasons, but what I took from this (please correct me if I'm wrong) is that it largely comes down to your love of Denmark vs. your interest in and desire to participate in American politics. It sounds like you have no real desire to teach English, and you're mainly considering that only because it seems like the best way to make a living in Denmark with your current skill set.

As someone who majored in political science myself, I found it difficult to apply the degree. It seemed to me that the main ways I could use the degree were to teach it (which I didn't want to do and it sounds like you don't either) or as a launch-pad to law school. With that said, how exactly do you plan to get involved in politics? Running for office doesn't require a degree in it; if anything, any appearance of knowing what you're talking about on political issues seems to turn some voters off. Becoming a lawyer is a common way to get into politics, but law school is hard and quite time-consuming, so if you don't want to actually practice law... I'm not sure that's a path you would want to do. But it's something to at least consider and make a decision on one way or another.

Here's an idea: is there any way you could pursue your schooling and maybe study abroad for a semester or two? If such an arrangement can be made, that might scratch your Denmark itch while still letting you keep politics as your main career goal.

[zlefin]

comrade ->
how much work in politics have you already done? like student council and other such stuff; as well as volunteer work at campaigns and such.
Doing good through politics is actually pretty hard in practice; it's a brutal game, and there's a lot of not nice people in it. Actually getting the support to implement good changes (plus even simply recognizing what good changes are) is very very hard. It's also like having a customer service job, with even less pleasant customers.


Don't let the fallacy of sunk costs prevent you from making the best choice going forward. and to help ameliorate the unpleasant feeling of waste which happens anyways: think of it as you were investing in keeping multiple options viable while you settle on a decision.

If you go to denmark, you'll probably pick up Danish fast enough; immersion learning tends to go quite fast.

Teaching english doesn't have to be a career; simply a job you do until you can find a job you like better. or if you can't, it's still just a job that lets you live where you like; it's called work for a reason after all.

Even if you don't go to denmark now, that doesn't mean you couldn't potentially go there later some day. (admittedly the nature of some careers makes it hard to go to another country and find work)

[2D8HP]

...Denmark...

Unfamiliar surroundings are a pain, and learning a new language is extremely difficult (for me!), but if you do go I'd be thrilled to learn your impressions (since some topics wouldn't mesh with this Forum, maybe a blog?).

Best wishes whichever you decide, and FWIW I've been reading multiple books about modern Scandinavia so your not the only American who's interested in the place.

Good luck!

[Comrade]

If you go to denmark, you'll probably pick up Danish fast enough; immersion learning tends to go quite fast.

If anything, having issues with the spoken language should be a driving force pushing you to go there, for however briefly, anytime you can. Moving there would force you to learn, to practice and to, finally, understand, because your daily life and livelyhood would depend on it, and the full immersion can only make things gradually easier.
If politics is an interest of yours, you could get into journalism and write for US news outlets about Denmark/Europe, or for Danish newspapers about US politics.

Unfortunately, picking up the language while living there is not an option; you're required to demonstrate a native level of Danish before applying to universities there. As for journalism, my desire to get involved in politics is mostly a matter of wanting to actually effect change and have an active role in policy rather than writing about it.

With that said, how exactly do you plan to get involved in politics? Running for office doesn't require a degree in it; if anything, any appearance of knowing what you're talking about on political issues seems to turn some voters off. Becoming a lawyer is a common way to get into politics, but law school is hard and quite time-consuming, so if you don't want to actually practice law... I'm not sure that's a path you would want to do. But it's something to at least consider and make a decision on one way or another.

Law school was mentioned by those in my family who have been encouraging me to turn to politics, but it's definitely not for me; practising law doesn't appeal to me in the least, even as a stepping stone to political office. My prevailing interest has actually always been in foreign policy and international relations, and I always figured that if I were to pursue politics without simply running for a local office and then building up from there, I'd receive an education in that field and seek out a government position working on foreign policy, or go into campaign management.

Here's an idea: is there any way you could pursue your schooling and maybe study abroad for a semester or two? If such an arrangement can be made, that might scratch your Denmark itch while still letting you keep politics as your main career goal.

I hadn't actually thought about that-- I'm pretty sure such an arrangement would be possible, yeah.

comrade ->
how much work in politics have you already done? like student council and other such stuff; as well as volunteer work at campaigns and such.
Doing good through politics is actually pretty hard in practice; it's a brutal game, and there's a lot of not nice people in it. Actually getting the support to implement good changes (plus even simply recognizing what good changes are) is very very hard. It's also like having a customer service job, with even less pleasant customers.

Admittedly, I don't have much actual hands-on experience. I don't really have any illusions about it being easy or pleasant, though, nor would I even expect to necessarily succeed in the event that I did attempt to seek elected office.

Even if you don't go to denmark now, that doesn't mean you couldn't potentially go there later some day. (admittedly the nature of some careers makes it hard to go to another country and find work)

That's also something I should bear in mind, yeah.

[Florian]

@Comrade:

Going into politics is a delicate topic. Where I´m from, most people who enter a political party with high hopes quit again under one year because it´s so tedious and everything looks so futile when you´re new, don´t have the right connections and didn´t manage to find a patron to back you - this is doubly true if you´re a member of a party with slim chances to succeed.

When getting started at it, you need what we call a "durable butt", meaning you have to endure sitting in the right committees and back the right superior(s) in your party, all the while building your network of contacts so you can advance on your own.

It´s ironic, but all across europa, a good chunk of politicians are either teaches, lawyers or journalists because those three professions have the right mix of free time, background knowledge and possibly access to the right people to actually excel at this until they can make the transition and make politics their day job.