Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Recherché]

... Uhm no alcohol for me. It interacts really poorly with some of the meds I'm on. Also I don't normally drive to or from work. It's a less than 20 min bike ride and my partner actually needs the one car to get to her job

[2D8HP]

... Uhm no alcohol for me....

Congrats on the bicycle commute! so very envious

What may make it more bearable is to regard your time at work as an acting role.

Make up a character that isn't you and wear a costume (part your hair on a different side or even wear a wig, clothes you never wear except at work, etc.), come up with a catch-phrase for your "character", ('that's the way the pizza slices' or whatever) that you only say at work, things that make being at work and not at work more distinct.

That may not make being at work work much more bearable (unless you enjoy "fooling people"), but it should make your time at work seem more dream-like and easier to forget, as well as reminding yourself that who you are at that place is not the totality of your life (yes I've spent time in jobs I hated... well actually most of the time at all of them).

[The Fury]

I've read a few self help books, and they've affected me in weird way. I'm more introspective, but in a way that feels like staring into an abyss. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I'm not sleeping well, I'm sad constantly, and it's actually starting to... hurt. As in actual physical pain in my chest. The strange thing is, I'm not sure if I've started feeling this way because the books aren't working or because they are.

[Cozzer]

That's what I experienced when therapy started being effective, so I'd take it as a possible good sign. The "abyss" is there and affects you, whether you stare into it or not, and becoming aware of its presence is a necessary step. As clichèd as it is, it does have to get worse before it gets better.

That said, it's likely that self-help books are not enough to guide you towards the "it gets better" phase, depending on how bad you're feeling. For now, anyway, I'd suggest to stop any form of introspection (unless you want to try the therapy route) and waiting for you mind to deal with this... since we're in a RPG forum: you just unlocked a new level of the dungeon with stronger enemies, and it feels overwhelming. Focus on surviving, you'll level up and eventually be confortable in this level. That's when you'll want to unlock the next one with further soul-searching, if you still want to delve deeper.

[The Fury]

That's what I experienced when therapy started being effective, so I'd take it as a possible good sign. The "abyss" is there and affects you, whether you stare into it or not, and becoming aware of its presence is a necessary step. As clichèd as it is, it does have to get worse before it gets better.

That said, it's likely that self-help books are not enough to guide you towards the "it gets better" phase, depending on how bad you're feeling. For now, anyway, I'd suggest to stop any form of introspection (unless you want to try the therapy route) and waiting for you mind to deal with this... since we're in a RPG forum: you just unlocked a new level of the dungeon with stronger enemies, and it feels overwhelming. Focus on surviving, you'll level up and eventually be confortable in this level. That's when you'll want to unlock the next one with further soul-searching, if you still want to delve deeper.

I can kind of get where you're coming from, "it's OK to slow down" is an idea that comes up frequently in a lot of what I'm reading as well. While it's a concept that I can appreciate in principle, it's also one that I'm very resistant towards. In fact, a lot of self-cultivating concepts like self-compassion, self acceptance, believing that I'm enough, and acknowledging and sharing my gifts are really just too much for me. The thing is, I need to change. My current job doesn't pay enough so I need to figure out how to pursue something better. I feel like playing through the pain is my only option right now.

[Cozzer]

While I don't know the details of the situation, I'll still advise you to pay attention. A common trap in these things is the belief that if you want or need X enough, X becomes possible. Trying to shrug off the time your mind needs to heal because you really really need it to already be healed now is like trying to shrug off the time a broken leg needs to heal because you really really need to walk to a place. It does not end with you getting there sooner, it ends with you getting there much later and after much unneeded pain. Or I could use the metaphor about how the muscles need strain and rest to get stronger, and so on.

So yeah, do what you need to do, but pay attention to the "I'll just ignore my limits because I'd rather not have them" trap. That's how you get into needing therapy, not how you get out of it. I'm speaking as an expert here.

[Velaryon]

This week's teen group meetings went better, so I'm hoping that this is a good sign and not a fluke. I had 5 people for the High School Action Committee, which is like a volunteer group focused on raising awareness and doing fundraisers for the library, and I had 6 for Teen Advisory Board, which for us is more about improving library services to teens and planning events that they will be interested in.

I took my after-school craft program that I did at one junior high to the other school as well, and while it didn't get as many kids it was still enough to call it a success. I'll be doing a lunch-time book talk there tomorrow as well, so that gives me another chance to continue promoting our teen programs. Here's hoping that attendance starts to pick up for awhile.

[AuthorGirl]

This week's teen group meetings went better, so I'm hoping that this is a good sign and not a fluke. I had 5 people for the High School Action Committee, which is like a volunteer group focused on raising awareness and doing fundraisers for the library, and I had 6 for Teen Advisory Board, which for us is more about improving library services to teens and planning events that they will be interested in.

I took my after-school craft program that I did at one junior high to the other school as well, and while it didn't get as many kids it was still enough to call it a success. I'll be doing a lunch-time book talk there tomorrow as well, so that gives me another chance to continue promoting our teen programs. Here's hoping that attendance starts to pick up for awhile.

*bursts into enthusiastic applause*

It sounds like not only do you have participants, you have participants who are committed to getting you more participants. I predict the Impostor Syndrome shall be short-lived.

[The Fury]

Things took a slightly happier turn for me. One exercise that was recommended to build the belief that I'm enough was to tell myself that for just once in a week showing up is enough-- this is another idea that I'm resistant towards. I've never gone anywhere and had "showing up" be the only thing that was wanted of me, everyone expects me to do more than that.

Last night I visited a friend and we played video games and I brought pizza, as it turned out we both had trouble sleeping all week. She told me that she was glad that I showed up anyway. I laughed it off and said, "Yeah, of course you're glad. I got you pizza!"

she looked me straight in the eye and said, "I would be glad that you're here, even if you didn't bring pizza."

After that, we pretty much had to hug. I'm nowhere near believing that my just showing up is going to be enough, but what she said was the real high point of the week for me.

[WarKitty]

My coworkers really need another topic of conversation than my other coworkers.

[zlefin]

My coworkers really need another topic of conversation than my other coworkers.

While i'm quite unfamiliar with such things in general, I'd guess as follows:
some people are fond of gossip and human drama; if that's what they, a shift is more likely to work for something more similar to that (as opposed to going farther afield such as into sports), celebrity gossip seems like the closest prospect.
in order to create a shift, you'd need to be involved quite a bit.
Or maybe you can try to get them all hooked on some new game or activity.

[WarKitty]

While i'm quite unfamiliar with such things in general, I'd guess as follows:
some people are fond of gossip and human drama; if that's what they, a shift is more likely to work for something more similar to that (as opposed to going farther afield such as into sports), celebrity gossip seems like the closest prospect.
in order to create a shift, you'd need to be involved quite a bit.
Or maybe you can try to get them all hooked on some new game or activity.

It's not general gossip, it's more of a general "everyone who doesn't do their job perfectly my way is stupid and lazy and I'm going to go on about it at length." Some people just feel the need to complain about everything. And you know of course, if they're doing it to others, they'll do it to you.

If you have an issue, deal with it like a freaking grownup.

[WarKitty]

Well, I was somewhat vindicated on that one. We had a group meeting, and our manager made very clear that gossip was not acceptable and people needed to either work it out with the person in question or with him, and that anyone who couldn't get along would be kicked back to the main floor.

[FinnLassie]

Well, I was somewhat vindicated on that one. We had a group meeting, and our manager made very clear that gossip was not acceptable and people needed to either work it out with the person in question or with him, and that anyone who couldn't get along would be kicked back to the main floor.

Well done by the management. Seems like you weren't bothered by this phenomenon.

[Comrade]

Celebrated my birthday yesterday, and I feel like it really underscored how badly my spell of depression/anxiety wreaked havoc on my 'social life', such as it is, during college. With only one or maybe two exceptions, pretty much everybody who attended was an old family friend, because I pretty much have no friends in my immediate vicinity-- I spent what seem to me to be the critical post-high school years, 18-21, being miserable and unsure of myself rather than making friends.

And now I'm not either of those in the least-- in fact, people have even remarked at how much I've changed, how much happier and more mature I seem. But I feel like because of those two or three years I spent being nervous and unhappy I missed out on that crucial window to meet people and forge new connections. It was easier to do during those years via the internet, but that didn't exactly help with making friends who live within a thousand kilometers of me. So now I... well, can't tell if I don't know how to do it, or if I just think I don't know how to do it and am just inventing this problem. I met an old classmate from back in high school and we've fallen to talking every now and then, but I'm wary of trying to (re)kindle a friendship there, or of trying to do that at all with people I meet via school.

The birthday itself was great, though, don't get me wrong.

[Cozzer]

It is harder to build new social connections after college ends. That doesn't mean it's impossible, or especially hard. It's just ridicolously easy when you're in college.

Don't worry about this. The first two or three people are the hardest. Then, each of these will have a whole social circle you can ask to be introduced to, and each of those people will have another and so on. You'll find the place where you fit in better, and then you're set to go.

[dehro]

It's a porch, not a window. You can go sit on it whenever you like and wherever you are in your life. There's no expiration date on making friends.
My current friends are either remained from high school whom I mostly met a couple of times a year or people I met in my early thirties... and I'm something of a socially inept moron who has a hard time making friends.

[Comrade]

It is harder to build new social connections after college ends. That doesn't mean it's impossible, or especially hard. It's just ridicolously easy when you're in college.

To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.

It's a porch, not a window. You can go sit on it whenever you like and wherever you are in your life. There's no expiration date on making friends.
My current friends are either remained from high school whom I mostly met a couple of times a year or people I met in my early thirties... and I'm something of a socially inept moron who has a hard time making friends.

Logically that seems to obviously be the case (not that you're a socially inept moron, that is, what you said before that), so I'm not sure what the problem is. Maybe it's just a lingering bit of anxiety or something.

[ve4grm]

To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.



Logically that seems to obviously be the case (not that you're a socially inept moron, that is, what you said before that), so I'm not sure what the problem is. Maybe it's just a lingering bit of anxiety or something.

If you're still in college, you're by no means too late to make new friends. 99% of my lasting friends came during or after university. I barely talk to anybody from high school.

If it's something you're concerned about, I'd advise just putting yourself in social situations and making yourself accessible. As dehro put it, go sit on that porch.

[Cozzer]

To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.

Weeell... in my experience, that thing tends to happen a bit towards the end of college. Then, when people start graduating and some/most of them move because of work-related reasons, the existing social circles get broken and shaken up quite a bit.

So yeah, don't worry: one way or another, you won't have a shortage of social circles happy to include new people. Just go out there as soon as you feel ready. Most people are nice people, if they don't have reasons not to be.

[Comrade]

If it's something you're concerned about, I'd advise just putting yourself in social situations and making yourself accessible.

So yeah, don't worry: one way or another, you won't have a shortage of social circles happy to include new people. Just go out there as soon as you feel ready. Most people are nice people, if they don't have reasons not to be.

Irony is, I do feel ready, I have no problem putting myself out there, but for one reason or another I vacillate on whether I have any faith that anything comes of it. Sometimes I just expect that if I try to reach out to somebody and make friends it's bound to not work out somehow.

[Honest Tiefling]

Irony is, I do feel ready, I have no problem putting myself out there, but for one reason or another I vacillate on whether I have any faith that anything comes of it. Sometimes I just expect that if I try to reach out to somebody and make friends it's bound to not work out somehow.

I'm in my thirties, and I haven't really seen this, just people not really getting out there for whatever reason.

But if you are still in college, what of getting people to come to you? Are you involved in any activities or events? Got a FLGS nearby? Have any hobbies that hold events? Perhaps consider getting involved and see what comes of it.

[2D8HP]

To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.....

The not interested in expanding one social circle is true mostly because of lack of time, but being "settled" isn't. Except for the person whom I married and my son, I don't spend any time with anyone that I knew in my 30's or earlier.

You meet new people, but work and family take so much of your time making "hanging out" so rare that I'm really not picky.

[Comrade]

I'm in my thirties, and I haven't really seen this, just people not really getting out there for whatever reason.

But if you are still in college, what of getting people to come to you? Are you involved in any activities or events? Got a FLGS nearby? Have any hobbies that hold events? Perhaps consider getting involved and see what comes of it.

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising. Otherwise, outside of school, work, gym, and maybe non-profit stuff, there's not much I do of the 'get out of the house' variety, since my main hobbies (writing, reading, playing music) are things I can just stay at home and do. Tabletop gaming isn't my thing, so the FLGS (had to look that one up) is sort of out; I'd be open to joining some kind of casual football/soccer thing, or tennis, though I'm not sure how to go about that. Otherwise I kind of just counted on school being an easy way to meet people.

[dehro]

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising. Otherwise, outside of school, work, gym, and maybe non-profit stuff, there's not much I do of the 'get out of the house' variety, since my main hobbies (writing, reading, playing music) are things I can just stay at home and do. Tabletop gaming isn't my thing, so the FLGS (had to look that one up) is sort of out; I'd be open to joining some kind of casual football/soccer thing, or tennis, though I'm not sure how to go about that. Otherwise I kind of just counted on school being an easy way to meet people.

I don't quite know what kind of music you play, but I remember back when I lived in the UK that the local pub used to have a jammin' night, open for amateurs to get on the stage and play whatever... besides being a place where you're actually on a stage, it was also a chance for amateurs to meet fellow musicians (sometimes even pros) and maybe share playlists, tips on musical technique, adresses of interesting events and venues, the possibility to joining a band or just jam together...
Or simply to have a pint or two as you listen to fellow enthusiasts butchering your favourite songs. That particular pub was rock oriented.. a local place here in Italy does jazz nights. There's something for everybody, out there.

Spoiler: there really is

Show

Find such a place.

[ve4grm]

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising. Otherwise, outside of school, work, gym, and maybe non-profit stuff, there's not much I do of the 'get out of the house' variety, since my main hobbies (writing, reading, playing music) are things I can just stay at home and do. Tabletop gaming isn't my thing, so the FLGS (had to look that one up) is sort of out; I'd be open to joining some kind of casual football/soccer thing, or tennis, though I'm not sure how to go about that. Otherwise I kind of just counted on school being an easy way to meet people.

Besides the music stuff mentioned by dehro, I'd also suggest building on your hobbies.

There are writing groups, where people will share things they wrote, and offer tips and encouragement. If you aren't shy about your work, this could be a great place to meet people with a similar interest.

There are book clubs, if you can find one that reads what you like.

I definitely encourage you to look into the casual soccer/football leagues. They definitely exist. In north America, they're frequently called a "rec league", which might help you google one near you?


Also, if you're still in college, many of these things might exist as officially sanctioned clubs, or intramural leagues. I encourage you to check out the local students union, or whatever you have that might be equivalent. Also check any bulletin boards around campus, which often have postings for groups.

[kyoryu]

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising.

Try local shows. Chat people up, have a good time. Local shows are great for socializing. Big shows? Not so much.

[The Fury]

I was told about a job opening at a company I'd like to work for, it's seasonal with the potential to be permanent. I made the mistake of telling my parents about it, they talked me out of applying. Their basic point is that it would still be poverty wages and therefore a waste of time. I need to "dream bigger" apparently.

The real bummer is that I'm now on a thought train that's so self-defeating that even if I got an interview, there's no way I'd make a good impression. Even if by some miracle I did land the job, I'd be miserable doing it because I've been told often and hard enough that I should be. Then I'd be unemployed again when the season is up.

I think this is just symptomatic of the strained relationship I've had with my family for years now. I remember once when I thought it was cool that I can quote some of Hamlet's "Be or not to be" speech and Pablo Neruda's Poem Twenty, (I'm not that good, I'll admit, but decent for someone that's never seriously studied Shakespeare and can't speak Spanish all that well.) I decided I'd demonstrate that skill to my parents, they told me, "See? You're actually smart. Why don't you apply that energy towards something useful?"

Now I'm actually ashamed that I can quote that stuff from memory. Being smart in a way that's useless sort of makes me wish that I was just dumb.

[Cozzer]

If it can get you even a half-step closer to leaving your parents and being able to live by yourself someplace where there's not a constant abyss of negativity draining your energy, then it is not useless. My advice, which is pretty obivious, is that you don't share anything important with them until there's no way to back out. No "I'm thinking about doing X", just "hey I just did X. What, you don't like it? Whoops, looks like it's my life and not yours, would you look at that". Is it too late to apply? Maybe next season, since you mentioned it's seasonal?

[factotum]

It's easy to *say*, I know, but don't let your parents decide what jobs you apply for. They're not the ones who have to work 40-odd hours a week or more doing it, and it's not worth getting a bit of extra money to do a job you hate. I mean, make sure you're at least getting enough money to live OK, because poverty ain't any fun either...