LGBTAI+ #59: Will You Take This Woman To Be Your Galpal?

[Dire Moose]

I switched over my body chemistry a year and a half ago. You’re in for an amazing trip.

[Callista]

I still notice that the forums don't have an "other" option for gender. There's still only male, female, intersex, m2f, and f2m. Goshdarnit.

[Togath]

So... has anyone here tried watching a new anime called Sarazanmai? It's three episodes in and fairly weird(and fairly surreal at times), but...
It's looking to have a surprisingly decent portrayal of an LGBTAI+ character. It's this quirky slice of life/boys going through middle school/surreal kappa adventures with butt-souls(which... manages to sort of make sense in context) story that dips into some stuff I don't often see acknowledged or done well in anime.

Spoiler: Spoilers for episodes 2 and 3

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First off, one of the three main protagonists is gay. Not "look how sexy this yaoi guy is" gay, but what so far seems like a well done depiction of a boy coming to terms with his feelings and sexual orientation. I mean, so far he hasn't actually gotten the courage to tell his crush(one of the other protagonists) how he feels... but we're also only three episodes in at this point.
For other stuff... as a stinger(I think that's the term for an after-credits scene?) it's been revealed that the main boy's little brother uses a wheelchair to get around. Though it seems to have been hinted at that they have trouble walking, but only now confirmed. Again, it seems like a decent portrayal. They're still a happy kid with a fairly normal life even if they need some help getting around.
Finally, because it's like, late-o-clock and I need to sleep and I have been pondering this show waaay too much ; the third of the main trio of protagonists has had some... unusual scenes. His first appearance was him trying to break into a car, and it has pulled surprisingly few punches with the stuff he's involved with since then. (edit: like, when was the last time you saw a realistic depiction of an illegal cannabis farm in anime?)

[AuthorGirl]

Hey all . . . I know I went silent for quite a while but I remember some usernames and I am so glad to see you all again.

[Grytorm]

Hello again. Thinking about it it has been like four or five years since I first felt uncertain about my gender identity. And I have no particular progress to report. Just feeling depressed about it I guess and my utter failure to have figured anything out.

[Dire Moose]

Don’t worry too much about figuring yourself out. As long as you live a happy and fulfilling life, that’s what counts. Spending all the time on finding a label for yourself takes away from simply enjoying life, which is something I have had to learn the hard way. All that time I spent a couple years ago trying to rush things resulted in a lot of mostly pointless wracking my brain and making myself miserable.

[Kesnit]

I am not here because of an issue with my own identity. I am here because a dear friend had a breakdown over the weekend...

Spoiler: Background

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I've know Jac for several years, and know she is ace.

For the past 6 years, my wife and I have gone to a Beltane festival. This festival is family friendly, but does have an adult area (called Inter Sanctum, or IS) where workshops are of a more sexual nature. IS also holds a ritual with a sexual theme, and a cabaret where participants can perform in a way they choose - singing, dancing, stripping, etc. IS is all about consent, and consent is pushed VERY HARD.

Since this festival is family friendly, it is not expected that all adults participate in IS. (My mother-in-law has gone with use for several years. She goes to the cabaret some years, but that is all she does with IS.) Last year, we took a friend with us. After a falling out with said friend, we had an available ticket for this year. Jac said she wanted to go to Beltane, and we said yes.

Spoiler: Lead Up

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Beltane started Thursday. My wife and MiL went to sleep. (I got very drunk and went to sleep). Jac - who is a night owl - decided to check out the late night event at IS. We learned the next day that "some old men" were groping her. Her viewpoint was "I don't get anything from it, but if they liked it, what is the harm?" Since she was not concerned, I let it go.

Friday night was the IS ritual. My wife and MiL went to sleep. Jac and I went to ritual. In years past, there has been some level of "audience participation" of a non-physical nature before the orgy begins. This year, there was not. Many people - including me and Jac - just left.

And then we got to Saturday night, and all of us went to the cabaret. (My MiL was sitting on the other side of the large tent that is used for IS events.) Jac took a pouch of rum (I didn't find out until later how much), but none of us thought about it since alcohol is allowed in IS. The show started, and Jac continued drinking. She told us later she was drinking after every performance (each a few minutes long), but was also passing the pouch, so I did not realize how much she was drinking. After about an hour, she is crying. With the help of one of the IS Guardians (people who volunteer to watch and make sure everyone is consenting to events), we got Jac out of the tent. And that is when we all learned what was going on in Jac's head.

As I said, Jac is ace. She's always been so matter-of-fact about it that I thought she was adjusted to it. Turns out she isn't. She wants to feel sexual attraction, but cannot. She hoped that by getting really drunk and trying, she could force herself to feel. Obviously, it didn't work, and between alcohol and shame, she lost it. She began crying that she is "stupid" (which we eventually translated as her saying she thinks she is broken) and eventually started to hyperventilate. (Jac has asthma, so breathing issues are a real concern for her.)

We eventually got her back to the cabin and calmed down enough to sleep. By late afternoon Sunday, she was back to normal.

But this leaves me at a loss of what to do. It's clear that Jac needs serious psychological help, but that is not an option for financial reasons. I don't want to just pretend Saturday night didn't happen, but I am totally not qualified to actually do more than just give her emotional support. So I turn to the ace people here. How did you come to terms with what you are? What can I say to help Jac, or at least help her find a support system? (She does not use the Internet much. She does have email, but does not use social media.)

[Lycunadari]

Are there any LGBTQIA+ organisations/communities where you live? They might have an ace group or ace meet-ups she could go to. Meeting other ace people helps a lot, to feel less alone, less broken, to see how other people are living, both those who have fully accepted their sexuality and those who are still struggling. If she uses what's app or Discord, there are probably groups/servers for ace people she could check out, but I sadly don't know any myself.

Additionally, reading about other ace people is also good! Like here - it's on tumblr, but she doesn't have to sign up or anything, she can just scroll through the entries and read about other people's experiences (mostly good, but also some sad ones - but that can also help in feeling less alone). Personally, it has helped me a lot to hear from people who are ace and are in happy relationships (both with other ace people and with allo people) because feeling like I'll always be alone is something I struggle with. So maybe that would help her as well. Or, if she's also aromantic (or just generally not interested in relationships) there are also posts by people who are happy with friends and family and who don't feel like they "miss out" or are alone because they don't do sex and romance.

And if she likes books, there's a database about ace and aro characters in books, sortable by stuff like gender of the character, romantic and/or sexual orientation and if the representation is word of god only or if it's actually stated on page. She can also look at this list - it also includes comics and games and has a bit different information for each entry (like if it's #ownvoices and also includes warnings for negative representation), but it's also shorter. Representation can help a lot.

I hope any of this helps!

[Aspheric]

Hey Kesnit, being asexual myself, I thought I'd share my thoughts on your friend's situation. I first want to echo Lycunadari's resources, and add The Asexual. It's a journal with a somewhat formal format, but it mostly consists of ace folks personally thinking through asexuality in a variety of contexts, some of which might be particularly applicable to Jac's situation. It hosts a number of different writers, so I can't advocate for every article, but it's the best resource I know of as an ace person myself.

Everyone experiences asexuality differently, so don't take what I have to say as necessarily lining up with your friend's personal sense of their sexuality. Consider it advice, more than anything.

Spoiler: My thoughts

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I empathize with Jac's feelings, and I think her anxieties are common among ace people. I definitely feel pressured to express sexual desire when it becomes common in my friend groups, which does lead me into situations sometimes that are uncomfortable (in the awkward way, not the non-consensual way). I can't honestly claim to have a firm grasp on asexuality myself, but what helped me personally was finding ways to hang out in settings/at events that aren't as sexually charged. From your description, you know Jac outside of the festival, so presumably you have met elsewhere? If so, it could help to find other social events to go to with her, that don't necessarily involve the pressure of meeting her own (or someone else's) sexual desires.

Something else to consider is that there are differences between the desires for sexual activity and for romance, and differences between these and the desire of physical intimacy. A problem Jac might be having is that these exchanges are sensually and sexually charged, when she may only desire the former. Given that she was interested in both the IS and Cabaret (at least until she broke down), she may be looking for something that these spaces don't necessarily provide on their own. I'm not really an expert on the differences between the three, but there are articles in The Asexual journal I linked above that discuss differences in sensual and sexual desire, which may prove helpful for her. People often conflate the two (and non-ace, non-queer people can be pretty dismissive that this is a real nuance of desire), but since you seem willing to support her, you may consider bringing this up.

That said, Jac will need to understand her sexuality on her own terms. It is smart and kind of you to reach out, but this is something that she will need to figure out herself. From the sound of it, you're a supportive friend that she trusts, and your actions strike me as mature and respectful, so kudos for that. You may pass on some or all of what is said here if she welcomes your support, though I'd be careful about overloading her with information if she's not too keen on hearing it. It does seem like she could use the help, but I wouldn't necessarily say its psychological help she needs. From the sound of it, she may not know anyone else who's ace, and that can be a large source of her problems, especially if the local LGBT groups don't demonstrate explicit support for ace people (and a lot of them don't).

Anywho, hope this helps! Again, I'm not an expert, and this is only coming from my own experiences, so take it as you will. I hope Jac finds what she needs, one way or another.

[Heliomance]

Found out this evening that someone I count as a friend is emotionally abusive and predatory :/

It's really difficult to reconcile. I believe the person making the claims, they have no reason that I can see to lie, and it matches with vague whispers I'd heard before. But it's hard to believe on an emotional level - I've never personally seen any of the behaviour in question, so it's a purely intellectual "I have heard from a source I believe that this person has done bad things" going up against an emotional "but I like them! Surely not!" and facts don't fare well against feelings.

[Chen]

Found out this evening that someone I count as a friend is emotionally abusive and predatory :/

It's really difficult to reconcile. I believe the person making the claims, they have no reason that I can see to lie, and it matches with vague whispers I'd heard before. But it's hard to believe on an emotional level - I've never personally seen any of the behaviour in question, so it's a purely intellectual "I have heard from a source I believe that this person has done bad things" going up against an emotional "but I like them! Surely not!" and facts don't fare well against feelings.

Its rare you’ll find “perfect” people. People make mistakes. Forgiveness or acceptance depends on context I’d say. A single instance of something bad in someone’s past may be forgiveable. Continued bad acts maybe not. Definitely a difficult situation.

[Heliomance]

Its rare you’ll find “perfect” people. People make mistakes. Forgiveness or acceptance depends on context I’d say. A single instance of something bad in someone’s past may be forgiveable. Continued bad acts maybe not. Definitely a difficult situation.

Oh no, it's ongoing and persistent behaviour, and there's a lot of people going "that makes a lot of sense and gels with things I've heard before" about it.

[halfeye]

Oh no, it's ongoing and persistent behaviour, and there's a lot of people going "that makes a lot of sense and gels with things I've heard before" about it.

Some people are liars. Some liars are terrible at it and get easily found out, others really, really, very much aren't and you might only find out years later. Somebody is lying here, it could be one versus one, with everybody else repeating what they heard, or it might not be, you need to know what people actually saw, not what they heard somebody else saw.

[EternalMelon]

I think Heliomance knows the situation well enough to trust her sources here. Much better than random people on the internet at least.

@Heliomance: I've been there, it sucks. And while I confess I didn't necessarily do the right thing the first time, when you cut someone out of your life eventually the wound heals over.

[Heliomance]

Some people are liars. Some liars are terrible at it and get easily found out, others really, really, very much aren't and you might only find out years later. Somebody is lying here, it could be one versus one, with everybody else repeating what they heard, or it might not be, you need to know what people actually saw, not what they heard somebody else saw.

I did say in the original post that I believe the source. This is not "I don't know what the truth is", this is "I'm pretty certain I do know what the truth is but I'm having a hard time accepting it on an emotional level".

I do know what people saw. The original post (let's call the author P) was a long and detailed recounting of exactly how this person (now referred to as C) had been manipulative and emotionally abusive to P, how their interactions started, and descriptions of what P believes is C's normal pattern. It was followed by many, many responses of "C's actions in [other situation] look really creepy in light of this", "I can personally confirm I've seen [one particular behaviour called out in the post] from C before", and "I think I'm in the early stages of that pattern".

I trust the people involved not to make false accusations, and there are enough separate people that are not in each other's closest circles saying things that it's unlikely to be a concerted smear job.

I believe P. I just don't want to.

[halfeye]

Much better than random people on the internet at least.

That's exactly who I am. I don't claim otherwise in any way.

I did say in the original post that I believe the source. This is not "I don't know what the truth is", this is "I'm pretty certain I do know what the truth is but I'm having a hard time accepting it on an emotional level".

I do know what people saw. The original post (let's call the author P) was a long and detailed recounting of exactly how this person (now referred to as C) had been manipulative and emotionally abusive to P, how their interactions started, and descriptions of what P believes is C's normal pattern. It was followed by many, many responses of "C's actions in [other situation] look really creepy in light of this", "I can personally confirm I've seen [one particular behaviour called out in the post] from C before", and "I think I'm in the early stages of that pattern".

I trust the people involved not to make false accusations, and there are enough separate people that are not in each other's closest circles saying things that it's unlikely to be a concerted smear job.

I believe P. I just don't want to.

I'm just saying "Let's be careful out there"(TM). It won't be easy.

[Lissou]

I may have missed it earlier in the thread, but I don't think anyone mentioned it yet, so here goes:

The author of Goblins: Life Through Their Eyes came out as trans earlier this month. Her chosen name is Ellipsis (Elli for short, pronounced L E) and her wife has been endlessly supportive during the whole process. I'm stoked for her as she seems happier than ever, and people close to her seem to have taken it very positively, which is great especially because she was super worried about it.

It's always heartwarming to see positive experiences like this :)

[Mystic Muse]

I heard about this, but hadn't heard who it was.

Personally, I think Ellipsis is kind of a weird name, but whatever makes her happy! Hope this improves Elli's quality of life.

[Lissou]

I heard about this, but hadn't heard who it was.

Personally, I think Ellipsis is kind of a weird name, but whatever makes her happy! Hope this improves Elli's quality of life.

It is a weird name, indeed! The reason she picked it is that it was her online name in a bunch of stuff already, so she already identified with the name. I can get that, I made one of my screen names my middle name when I became a citizen :P

So it follows the rules of being a username and not a given name, making it sound odd, but the short version helps with that I think.

[Honest Tiefling]

Personally, I think Ellipsis is kind of a weird name, but whatever makes her happy! Hope this improves Elli's quality of life.

Well, have to admit, a lot better than 'Thunt' especially for a girl. Yeah, anything that rhymes with Thunt is just a bad idea for a lady. Could be a pen name of sorts for all I know, however.

[137beth]

I may have missed it earlier in the thread, but I don't think anyone mentioned it yet, so here goes:

The author of Goblins: Life Through Their Eyes came out as trans earlier this month. Her chosen name is Ellipsis (Elli for short, pronounced L E) and her wife has been endlessly supportive during the whole process. I'm stoked for her as she seems happier than ever, and people close to her seem to have taken it very positively, which is great especially because she was super worried about it.

It's always heartwarming to see positive experiences like this :)

Thanks for the heads up. Now I will move Goblins further up the list of comics I intend read at some point.

[Ravens_cry]

It's not that great, in my opinion. The art style is awkward feeling and the writing very uneven. It's done some great moments of horror, but other moments are just badly done. I'm happy for her, but I read up to the end of the archive once and only occasionally gone back to it since. Really, there's better webcomics to read, even if that one happens, gasp, to be done by a transwoman.

[The Succubus]

It's not that great, in my opinion. The art style is awkward feeling and the writing very uneven. It's done some great moments of horror, but other moments are just badly done. I'm happy for her, but I read up to the end of the archive once and only occasionally gone back to it since. Really, there's better webcomics to read, even if that one happens, gasp, to be done by a transwoman.

It'll be interesting to see if the comic evolves since she came out, whether we see any changes in tone or style. Either way, best of luck to her.

[Honest Tiefling]

It's not that great, in my opinion. The art style is awkward feeling and the writing very uneven. It's done some great moments of horror, but other moments are just badly done. I'm happy for her, but I read up to the end of the archive once and only occasionally gone back to it since. Really, there's better webcomics to read, even if that one happens, gasp, to be done by a transwoman.

You got a recommendation for a better one done by a transwoman while we're on the topic?

[halfeye]

You got a recommendation for a better one done by a transwoman while we're on the topic?

I dunno about better, and it isn't about D&D, but this ticks the other box.

http://www.wildflowerslgbt.ca/comics/

[137beth]

I'm a fan of Rain (written by a trans woman) and Inhibit (written by a nonbinary person).

[TerrickTerran]

I tried Rain and I liked it for a while (I can binge webcomic read like a lot of people binge watch shows) but around 2017 it started to taper off and when I hit 2018 and the t-boy came out, I just felt the creator was shoving one too many t-characters into the comic. Rain seems to be a side character in the comic named after her at that point. I'm going to try out the other one and see if I like it better though.

[Lissou]

I'm still reading Rain and still enjoying it. I agree that it has a case of "90% of the main characters are LGBT" (if not more, in this case), and leaning heavily on the T. It does counterbalance all the works with no trans people in them, but it does get it the way of recommending it as a comic about anything other than trans issues. Which, you know, isn't necessarily bad I guess. It's good to have comics about trans issues. But it's clearly meant for people who are either trans or already familiar/comfortable with trans stuff. It's not going to be an introduction for anyone or a comic contributing to making LGBT people more accepted in the mainstream, because the "mainstream" will be turned off too early.

So it's nice to have comics (or other media) with one or two trans characters, where it's not the whole story, and then the comic has things to offer other than just being a comic with trans people in it. That's not what Rain is going for. I still enjoy it, but I understand I'm not the main target demographic (which I would say is probably trans school aged kids who haven't come out).

Anyway. I hope that there will be more trans characters in all forms of media whose arc isn't just "I'm a trans character". But I think we're not quite there yet?

[Honest Tiefling]

...But I understand I'm not the main target demographic (which I would say is probably trans school aged kids who haven't come out)...

Yeah, I think this is why Rain and Wild Flower didn't really work for me, since I am none of those. Inhibit is pretty cool, liking it a lot! So thanks, 137ben!

[Dire Moose]

I went swimming for the first time since my transition started!

Spoiler

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