LGBTAI+ #59: Will You Take This Woman To Be Your Galpal?

[Sahe]

I'll address this in reverse order.

Coming out to your brothers-nice! Glad they're being supportive! It's sad that not everyone has a similar experience to yours, but hey, you got lucky here. Congratulations!

As for your friend... Can you possibly tell us more about their situation? Obviously if you can't, you can't, but without more details, I'm not sure what advice to provide. Best of luck to them, though.

Well, I actually don't know much more, since it's just a friend of a friend and I'm not in direct contact. I have offered to help and allowed her to give them my number if they wanna talk, but they have to decide to reach out to me.

[JNAProductions]

Well, I actually don't know much more, since it's just a friend of a friend and I'm not in direct contact. I have offered to help and allowed her to give them my number if they wanna talk, but they have to decide to reach out to me.

Well, I think you've done a good job. You've offered support, offered your number, all that. If they don't take you up on your offer in a few days, maybe reach out (they might be nervous, after all) but if they don't want your help? Nothing you can do, really.

[Florian]

I can totally relate to Sahe, based on experience, this is why I have problems with the stuff Juniper writes.

[noparlpf]

Something weird I've been catching my brain doing: Since most media is so heterosexual, I'm so used to being baffled by hetero romance scenes and thinking "what is the deal with straight people" that when there is actually a gay romance scene I still reflexively think "what is the deal with straight people."

[137beth]

It's easier for me. I just get to think "what is the deal with sexual/romantic people?"

[noparlpf]

I mean, I'm ace too. It's more a comment on how the overwhelming prevalence of straight media leads to internalised heteronormativity. Just have to consciously change the thought now there's actually starting to be some gay romance scenes to be baffled by.

[Astrella]

So for an update on me; recovery is going well, aftercare is being a bit easier. Going to see surgeon on Tuesday to schedule a small repair surgery, nothing major or worrisome.

I've noticed that my overall dysphoria has like, dropped a lot. Like, even dysphoria not related to my bits seems to have gone down and it just on a whole occupies my thoughts a lot less. Pre-surgery I was considering breast augmentation too cause I was self-conscious about my chest size but I find myself not really wanting it anymore now.

[noparlpf]

So for an update on me; recovery is going well, aftercare is being a bit easier. Going to see surgeon on Tuesday to schedule a small repair surgery, nothing major or worrisome.

I've noticed that my overall dysphoria has like, dropped a lot. Like, even dysphoria not related to my bits seems to have gone down and it just on a whole occupies my thoughts a lot less. Pre-surgery I was considering breast augmentation too cause I was self-conscious about my chest size but I find myself not really wanting it anymore now.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about things.

[Nemirthel]

Had my second appointment with my therapist today. The good news is that she supports me starting hormones, so I can go ahead and make an appointment with a physician to hopefully get started before too much longer. Unfortunately the only physicians that I know for sure will do it are 45 minutes away, though there are two who are closer who might. So I'll see how long that takes.

The less good news is that she also wants me to talk to them about medication for my anxiety. Treated anxiety is better than untreated anxiety, but I still don't like having that complication and it might make hormones take longer.

The bad news is that my mom still seems to want me to put off transitioning. I'm going to talk to her about it again this week, so hopefully that'll go well.

And I still have to come out to the rest of my family, which means the transphobic part. But at least I'm getting closer to where I want to be and I still have some time before I need to come out to them.

[Icewraith]

Had my second appointment with my therapist today. The good news is that she supports me starting hormones, so I can go ahead and make an appointment with a physician to hopefully get started before too much longer. Unfortunately the only physicians that I know for sure will do it are 45 minutes away, though there are two who are closer who might. So I'll see how long that takes.

The less good news is that she also wants me to talk to them about medication for my anxiety. Treated anxiety is better than untreated anxiety, but I still don't like having that complication and it might make hormones take longer.

The bad news is that my mom still seems to want me to put off transitioning. I'm going to talk to her about it again this week, so hopefully that'll go well.

And I still have to come out to the rest of my family, which means the transphobic part. But at least I'm getting closer to where I want to be and I still have some time before I need to come out to them.

What you can probably expect is a number of (uninformed but) rational-sounding (to someone who isn't dealing with what you're dealing with) objections that are actually backed up by the non-rational/emotional/subconscious hope that this is a phase, and if they can get you to wait long enough you'll get over it. What you'll be like when you're done transitioning is an unknown, which translates into fear.

No matter how persuasive you are, those underlying hopes and fears will by definition still be there as long as you haven't actually started transitioning, so don't agree to delay "to give them time to adjust" or whatever. Delay won't cause those feelings to go away, and so when you reach the appointed time they'll ask you to delay again. You should still attempt to answer any (calmly expressed) objections or questions as thoroughly and honestly as you can.

[Sahe]

My mum did need some time to adjust to the new situation herself. Though she resolved most of it on her own.

Once I actually was on hormones she quickly noticed how much better I was doing, feeling and acting and she recently told me that any last doubts she had about my transition had been erased.

In other news, that maybe trans guy, contacted me. We didn't really have to talk, because we were both a bit busy, but at least I have heard from them.

[Nemirthel]

What you can probably expect is a number of (uninformed but) rational-sounding (to someone who isn't dealing with what you're dealing with) objections that are actually backed up by the non-rational/emotional/subconscious hope that this is a phase, and if they can get you to wait long enough you'll get over it. What you'll be like when you're done transitioning is an unknown, which translates into fear.

No matter how persuasive you are, those underlying hopes and fears will by definition still be there as long as you haven't actually started transitioning, so don't agree to delay "to give them time to adjust" or whatever. Delay won't cause those feelings to go away, and so when you reach the appointed time they'll ask you to delay again. You should still attempt to answer any (calmly expressed) objections or questions as thoroughly and honestly as you can.

I expect that's how it will go. At this point I'm planning to start hormones as soon as I can regardless, so hopefully this:

Once I actually was on hormones she quickly noticed how much better I was doing, feeling and acting and she recently told me that any last doubts she had about my transition had been erased.

will also be my experience.

[Dire Moose]

What you'll be like when you're done transitioning is an unknown, which translates into fear

Wouldn't the end result still just be you? Do they actually think you'll become a different person?

[halfeye]

Wouldn't the end result still just be you? Do they actually think you'll become a different person?

You are always a different person, second to second. Only by a tiny fraction, but still.

[Icewraith]

Wouldn't the end result still just be you? Do they actually think you'll become a different person?

There are three effects here. One is chemical. Your brain is affected by testosterone and estrogen- the easiest example is testosterone's effect on the sex drive. Your brain won't change per se, but the chemicals it's running on are being significantly rebalanced.

The second effect is social. Aside from the obvious changes in appearance, the social pressures that might have pushed you to take an interest in stereotypical activities for your assigned gender are now pushing in the opposite direction. You may no longer wish to participate in things you were keenly interested in previously because they remind you of the bad old days before you transitioned. There's also a time crunch as you learn to pass as your actual gender, you have [your age] years of exactly the wrong social conditioning to unlearn.

The third is that by the end of your transition, the stresses and side effects of being assigned the wrong gender (such as dysphoria, depression, etc.) will hopefully have dissapeared or been massively reduced. What are you like when you're no longer carrying around a 100 lb monkey on your back and trying to hide it? Literally nobody has met you without the monkey, including you.

[Heliomance]

Wouldn't the end result still just be you? Do they actually think you'll become a different person?

I'm absolutely a very different person to before I started transitioning. You do change.

[Dire Moose]

I thought the point of transitioning was to be yourself, not turn into someone else.

And honestly, hormones and presentation don't really affect my personality, just my appearance. I'm still the same person asa guy and as a girl; I'm just expressing part of myself that I'd previously kept hidden.

[JNAProductions]

I thought the point of transitioning was to be yourself, not turn into someone else.

I can see that, but I can also see why someone would be a bit worried. They know, for example, "Dire Moose-man extraordinaire!" and are worried that "Dire Moose-awesome lady!" will be different.

Now, they should be able to say "I'm worried you'll be different, but I know this is how you'll be the most happy, so I support you," but not everyone can.

[Sobol]

Yuri's Night:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yuri%27s_Night
I like this holiday.

[Irish Musician]

Now, they should be able to say "I'm worried you'll be different, but I know this is how you'll be the most happy, so I support you," but not everyone can.

Unfortunately this tends to come out of their mouths by making excuses why you shouldn't transition, why you should wait, confusion, and, honestly, fear and denial. They, generally, mean to be supportive, just don't go about it the right way (they go about it the wrong way, in fact).The love is there, again generally, it just tends to get dog-piled on by fear. Irrational fear, of course, but fear none the less.

I wish it didn't happen like that, but breaking out of that hetero-normal thinking (as noparlpf said) sometimes takes a lot of concentration, and time. That crap is smashed into our hears from the day we are born, and breaking out of it isn't always easy. Hell, when I first started reading these threads I thought I had a pretty open mind about everything. What did I know, right?! Y'all showed me so much and eventually I grew even more open minded, and observant, of life and people around me. Not to mention having some close college friends who transitioned helped as well, seeing their journey and how happy they are now. (And, truly, thank you for that). And others can get there too, just the journey might take longer, and be harder, for some than for others.

Love and understanding......what we need more of around in this world. I hope your transition starts up well, Nemirthel, and I hope you get the support you deserve.

[Dire Moose]

My wife and I were in the Phoenix Pride Parade last Sunday:

Picture of us

I'm in the blue dress; my wife is in red.

[137beth]

My wife and I were in the Phoenix Pride Parade last Sunday:

Picture of us

I'm in the blue dress; my wife is in red.

Nice.

What does that shirt of the person on the right say? Some of the words are blocked in the picture.

[Jormengand]

Nice.

What does that shirt of the person on the right say? Some of the words are blocked in the picture.

Such T-shirts usually say "I'm the scary trans person the media warned you about."

[137beth]

Such T-shirts usually say "I'm the scary trans person the media warned you about."

Wonderful, I hadn't seen those before

[Icewraith]

I thought the point of transitioning was to be yourself, not turn into someone else.

And honestly, hormones and presentation don't really affect my personality, just my appearance. I'm still the same person asa guy and as a girl; I'm just expressing part of myself that I'd previously kept hidden.

To an external observer, this is indistinguishable from you changing.

[Lycunadari]

I just stumbled across the full report of the US Transgender Survey 2015, . It's really long, so I'm only skimming it, but here are some key points:

Spoiler: Some interesting numbers

Show

• About a third of respondents identified as nonbinary (31%) or genderqueer (29%), one third as trans women (32%) and one third as trans men (31%). 27% identified as gender non-conforming or gender variant.
• When asked to only pick one of four categories (women, men, nb/gq, crossdresser), 33% picked women, 29% men, 35% nb/gq and 3% crossdresser. (This was asked to make analysis easier.) I didn't expect there to be so many nonbinary people!
• Genderfluid is the most common nonbinary identity (20%).
• 80% of NB people are afab.
• 60% started to feel different from their assigned gender at 10 years or younger.
• The ages varied widely (18-87), with most nonbinary people being younger.
• 62% of all trans people live full time/have transitioned.
• 29% use singular they pronouns. 2% use ze/hir.
• 39% have one or more disabilities (compared to 15% of the general population); especially common are difficulties with concentration, remembering and making decisions, and with doing errants alone.
• Most common orientation was queer (21%), followed by pansexual (18%), gay/lesbian/same-gender-loving (16%), straight (15%), bisexual
  (14%), and asexual (10%). Most people IDing as ace, or queer were NB. Trans women were the group most likely to ID as gay/lesbian. Crossdressers were the group most likely to ID as bi or straight.

Spoiler: Lots of depressing numbers

Show

• 60% had supportive families, 18% unsupportive and 22&. 10% suffered violence from an immediate family member for being trans. 15% were kicked out or ran away from home.
• 18% were parents themselves, and 21% of those who were out to their children had a child who stopped speaking with them after they came out.
• 27% had had a partner who broke up wit them at least partially because they were trans, and 10% solely because they were trans.
• 50% had experienced at least one form of rejection from the immediate family they grew up with, their spouse or partner and/or their children because they were transgender.
• People with unsupportive families had all around worse lives (suicide attempts, homelessness, unemployment, doing sex work etc).
• 32% of those that ran away from home were younger than 15.
  
• Only 11% had their preferred name and gender on all ID documents. 49% didn't have their preferred name on any ID and 69% didn't have their preferred gender on any ID.
• 34% of those who had a legal name change had to pay over 250$, and 11% over 500$. (Hahaha. *Sob* Here you have to pay closer to 2000€.)
  
• While more than three-quarters (78%) of respondents wanted hormone therapy related to gender transition, only 49% had ever received it.
• While trans men and women (81%) were only slightly more likely to have ever wanted gender-related counseling than non-binary respondents (70%), transmen and women were more than twice as likely to have actually had counseling (73%) as compared to non-binary respondents (31%).
  [*Most trans men and women (95%)
  want HRT, compared to 49% of NB people. Trans men and women were about five times more likely to actually get HRT (71%) than NBs (13%).
• 39% of respondents were currently experiencing serious psychological distress, nearly eight times the rate in the U.S. population (5%).
• 40% have attempted suicide, compared to 4,6% of the US population. 82% had serious suicidal thoughts. Of those who had attempted suicide, 34% had done so for the first time at 13yo or younger. (This is heartbreaking)
• 1,4% are HIV positive (compared to 0,3% of the US population). 19% of black trans women are HIV positive.
  
• 12% were out as trans in school, and 28% believed classmates/teachers perceived them as trans even though they were not out.
• 54% of trans people who were out (or perceived as trans) at school (k-12) were verbally harassed and 24% were physically assaulted. 17% left school because the mistreatment was so bad.
• 24% who were out/perceived as trans in college or trade school were verbally, physically or sexually harassed.
  
• 19% of trans people have done sex work for money, food or shelter.
• 30% have been homeless at one point in their lives. 70% of those who stayed at a homeless shelter in the last years experienced mistreatment there (like harassment or assault), or were thrown out because they were trans.
• 48% of all respondents in the sample reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed, and/or physically attacked in the past year because of being transgender. Trans women of colour were more likely to be harassed by strangers because of their gender identity or expression, especially multiracial (51%) and American Indian (47%) women.
• 47% of trans people have been sexually assaulted at least once in their life (10% in the last year). Sex workers, homeless people and disabled people had higher rates. (Also most people of colour).
• This is what surprised me the most: Afab NBs (58%) and trans men (51%) were more likely to have been sexually assaulted than amab NBs (41%) and trans women (37%). I thought it was generally agreed that trans women were more at risk for all kinds of violence, but apparently this isn't the case after all? Though I could imagine, if you ask about just the time after transition that the numbers would change.
• Almost half of all assaults were committed by friends or acquaintances (47%), followed by partners or ex partners (34%), strangers (30%) and relatives (25%).
• The numbers for intimate partner violence are very similar to the ones about sexual assault.
  
• 43% of trans people who went through airport security in the past year experienced a problem related to being transgender, such as being patted down or searched because of a gender-related item, having the name or gender on their ID questioned, or being detained.

I'd be really interested in some statistics from other places, but while this is obviously very US-centric, I think general trends aren't all that different in most other places.


Not totally related, but apparently one of the trans "specialists" around here still uses IQ tests and ****ing Rorschach tests during the evaluation to determine if you're trans enough to be allowed to change your name/gender marker.
Also, too bad if you're not 100% neurotypical, apparently living in a family where a lot of communication happens nonverbal means you have some sort of developmental disorder and can't be trans. And having anxiety means you can't transition, according to another "specialist". (Yes, this actually happened to a friend. The specialist literally wrote "Ms. (Name) feels male, Ms. (Name) desires to live as a man, Ms (Name)'s feelings of belonging to the male gender can't be guaranteed to stay; there are hints that other causes might be responsible for her desire of a gender change. Also, her anxiety and personality make it doubtful that she'll be able to go the difficult way of transition, especially the desired OPs." Said friend is already on T and lives fulltime as a man. But sure, he can't do it. He paid 800€ for this evaluation.) I feel like my only hopes of getting a legal name change are 1)all the current specialists retire and get replaced by people who aren't mentally stuck in the 80s or 2)the whole ****ing "Transsexuellengesetz" gets abolished and replaced by something more like the Argentinian model, because if even the most binary of binary trans people have such difficulties, there's no way a genderfluid person like me has any chance to convince the "specialists" that yes, I really am trans.
(I never want to hear "it's 2018, what do you have to worry about?" ever again.)

[noparlpf]

More like "it's 2018, can things please finally stop being so horrible?"

[halfeye]

More like "it's 2018, can things please finally stop being so horrible?"

The year has nothing to do with it.

I don't actually remember anybody saying "It's the 1960s, that old stuff is over.", but almost certainly someone said something in that vein. It sort of sounds cool at the time, but ten years later you'll be saying "what were they thinking saying that?"

As for things stopping being horrible, apparently now around the world it's presidents for life agogo, they are pretty much god kings, and they are typically fairly horrid, but there are fanatical alternatives which might be worse.

[Blithesome]

Hi! I’m Blithesome (in the sense of it being my name, not in the sense that such is my current emotional state), and I’ve only recently started doing anything but lurking!

I’m gay, and came out several years ago, but quite a few of my relatives are still in the ‘let’s politely ignore this topic and never, ever bring it up’ mindset, and I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about my gender identity- I’m probably cis, if only by default, but it’s rather hard to tell.

I find wearing very traditionally masculine garb uncomfortable, and tend to default to wearing fairly bright colors, and also have a pretty feminine presentation, such that people pretty frequently mistake me for female? And when they do so, I mostly just get a sort of satisfied feeling about presenting as sufficiently androgynous? But then I don’t dislike being referred to as male? It’s complicated.

I hope that this thread and this community can serve as a place to work things out, and help other people with their own issues.

[Zhentarim]

Does transformation fetish count? Its like, the only thing I can get off to.

I like imagining myself transforming into an animal, werewolf style.

I’d like to father children one day, but I have no idea how to get around this kink.

I’m not super into other people as a rule...I can only think of 1, maybe 2 times in my life I’ve felt geniune attraction outside of this kink.