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Thread: Bad poetry

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    Default Bad poetry

    This is a thread for posting poetry that is either written for the purpose of being bad or that just happens to be bad.
    Rules are as follows:
    1. You must write the poetry yourself.
    2. The poetry must fit the requirements of the type of poem (i.e. no writing 'pizza' and calling it a haiku).
    3. The worst poem entitles the author to bragging rights.
    4. Disregard this rule.
    And now, a word from our sponsor.

    A crafty young bard named McMahon,
    whose poetry never would scan,
    once said, with a pause,
    “It's probably because
    I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”


    This message was brought to you by Coca-Cola.


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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    The Awfullest Lyric Poem of them All
    (Deliberately mocking some cruddy existential stuff I wrote a while ago.)

    I was a scale
    With no circle of fifths
    I was a minor scale
    No minor third to count up
    I was a melody
    Without pitch variance, a rhythm
    Without a beat
    And I was a chord
    With no intervals inside of it.

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    I have a haiku I had to write in highschool in a very short time period under some very specific constraints:

    Og want Mog mammoth/
    Og not like Mog have mammoth/
    Mammoth tasty; want
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Purple Eisenhower mimeographs going through the stucco of my mind

    Mustard gas, atomic blasts, squares are too sublime

    *snaps fingers*

    "Espresso"

    Oh wait D&D...

    "Purple Elminster scrolls going through the wattle and daub of my mind"

    *snaps fingers*

    "Mead"

    Also, I hate sports.
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatWizardGuy View Post
    This is a thread for posting poetry that is either written for the purpose of being bad or that just happens to be bad.
    Rules are as follows:
    1. You must write the poetry yourself.
    2. The poetry must fit the requirements of the type of poem (i.e. no writing 'pizza' and calling it a haiku).
    3. The worst poem entitles the author to bragging rights.
    4. Disregard this rule.
    haiku fart donkey
    cutlery disorder eat
    of course verbs is mars
    Bane of disrudisplorkians, and loremaster.

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Quote Originally Posted by Graypairofsocks View Post
    haiku fart donkey
    cutlery disorder eat
    of course verbs is mars
    That's a great haiku.
    And now, a word from our sponsor.

    A crafty young bard named McMahon,
    whose poetry never would scan,
    once said, with a pause,
    “It's probably because
    I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”


    This message was brought to you by Coca-Cola.


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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    I can't claim credit for this, but it's one of the worst poems I've seen outside the work of William McGonagall, so I'll share it.

    England's Rose
    The day we lost our Nation's Rose,
    Tears we cried like rivers flowed,
    The earth stood still
    As we laid her to rest,
    A day you & I
    Will never forget,
    The people's princess
    Who came to see,
    The love from a country
    We'd hope she'd lead,
    England's beauty
    Captured in one sweet soul,
    Carried the torch
    God rest her soul,
    With the gift she had
    She'd light up the way,
    With a smile to show us a brighter day,
    Hearts still full
    Of the love she gave,
    20 years since she laid in her grave,
    There will never be another like you,
    Now a shining star in the midnight sky
    I will always remember you,
    Princess Diana,
    As our sweet nation's rose
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Halfway through learning poems for GCSE, we were tasked with writing one with the techniques we'd learned.

    I decided to go 𝔪𝔢𝔱𝔞




    It seems these days
    that all you need
    is a sheet of prose
    and a liberal sprinkling of line breaks

    It seems these days
    that all they want
    is something to make them think
    (following the rules is optional)

    Why not seek the heady days of yore,
    When every poem followed writing laws?
    Why have we abandoned our tradition
    in favour of something that reads like regular prose with nothing else to it?

    "The poet's use of clear enjambment
    symbolises his despair at
    losing his control over his thoughts..."

    Alternatively his enjambment
    symbolises his defiance
    over rigid rules he had to
    follow, and control over his words..."

    Thirty marks in twelve and twelve and six,
    digging through the **** to try and find something that sticks,
    drawing lines where none were meant to be,
    "Needs more terminology - 18."

    What do I draw from the lack of their rhythms?
    What do I write about rhyme schemes that vanish?
    What do I do when the poet decides "**** it" and ignores the fact that they're writing a "poem" and just goes off on a tangent during which the only question to ask is not are they but which drugs are they on and how many?

    in short:
    What do I do with a fake poem?

    How does the poet show his frustration at the rules that he accuses other poets of ignoring? Compare with one other poem in the anthology.
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Quote Originally Posted by Asmodean_ View Post
    -snip-
    That is amazing. How did the teacher respond?




    As for my own terrible poems, I do have fun using the following template to compose a haiku about almost anything:

    [Five syllable line]
    I can't think of a haiku
    That describes it well

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Loosen my fingers
    Goddam that glue

    _______________


    Roses are green
    Violets are blue
    I am Daltonic
    and you smell like poo

    _______________


    A boring man I once met
    Of bores he had a whole set
    Endlessly he bore his people
    Then he sew them with a needle.
    I stopped and asked how he did
    For his left hand was a squid
    To which he answered, "How I do?
    Take a seat, I'll bore you too!"

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Quote Originally Posted by Jormengand View Post
    - snip -
    Didn't have the guts to actually submit it. Wrote some crap about how duty is like a mountain and handed that in instead.

    got a B
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Hickory Dickory's Dock
    Is where I punch my clock
    But loading ships is hard
    So I'll just fish
    off ol' Dickory's Hickory dock.
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Quote Originally Posted by Asmodean_ View Post
    Didn't have the guts to actually submit it. Wrote some crap about how duty is like a mountain and handed that in instead.

    got a B
    That's a pity. I'll admit that you've somewhat inspired me...

    A poet pens a powerful, pitiful prose:
    A flat, thin line of follow the leader
    From which alliteration for some reason rose.
    What effect does this have on the reader?

    Vary the length of the lines and the rhyme scheme.
    This tells the reader that things aren't as they seem.
    The poet uses half-rhyme to help her explain
    That she can't think of two words that end the same.

    Break out of the scheme and go into free verse. Why? Why not?
    Why use rhetorical questions?
    What effect does this have on the reader?

    Remember to repeat lines so you can pad it out,
    Since you only have a little to write about,
    Don't worry whether it rhymes, fits or scans,
    What effect does this have on the reader?

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Five seven five then
    Some more horse crap to write now
    It's snowing on Mt. Fuji
    Last edited by JNAProductions; 2017-10-12 at 09:38 PM.
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    Five seven five then
    Some more horse to write now
    It's snowing on Mt. Fuji
    Five|sev|en|five|then - 5 syllables
    Some|more|horse|to|write|now - 6 syllables
    It's|snowing|on|Mt.|Fuji - 6 syllables

    That's not actually a haiku.
    Sorry.
    And now, a word from our sponsor.

    A crafty young bard named McMahon,
    whose poetry never would scan,
    once said, with a pause,
    “It's probably because
    I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”


    This message was brought to you by Coca-Cola.


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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Woops, meant to write horse crap, not just horse.

    And "It's snowing on Mt. Fuji" is the ONLY way to end a haiku. Game Grumps reference. Sanic Bam, Episode 38. Warning, language content in the link.
    Last edited by JNAProductions; 2017-10-12 at 09:40 PM.
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    A staccato beat intrudes upon my mind
    the tap-tap-tapping of a million ants tap dancing
    to Imagine Dragons "Radioactive"

    My thoughts are a frenzy of annoyance and misanthropy
    why didn't these ants deliver coffee
    'tis the season for Pumpkin Spice Lattes after all

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Giant I T P
    My offense has no defense
    Also, I hate sports.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlet Knight View Post
    Hickory Dickory's Dock
    Is where I punch my clock
    But loading ships is hard
    So I'll just fish
    off ol' Dickory's Hickory dock.
    Using the same word twice in a rhyme scheme is always a good technique for making garbage. There's also some fun to be had with really questionable slant rhymes and rhyme orders.

    A lighthouse alone shines bright in the night/
    Built mighty and strong, a little bit wrong/
    By Hick'ry and Dick'ry, both dead in the head/
    Lying atop in a bed made of lead/
    Light didn't last long; they slept for a song/
    So they then had to fistfight a shipwright.
    Last edited by Knaight; 2017-10-13 at 02:12 PM.
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    Whatever you want
    Caress on my calluses
    Now that's Halloween


    Irrelevant pigs
    On cumulonimbus
    Fiercest sunset


    Naked Spartan men
    Dance hard at Thermopylae
    American public.

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    Months of unpaid rent
    I'll call the cops if you don't
    Leave the bungalow


    The black on the shore
    Isn't petroleum, it's sea coal
    You can't collect it


    London is calling
    Can't you hear London calling
    London is calling


    Where were you at lunch
    And would it have killed you
    To answer the phone


    I don't like U2
    But I guess there's worse stuff
    OMD party


    Kim Kardashian is
    Doesn't ring any bell no idea
    who Kardashian is


    Rope jump slight fumble
    The sky turns around my body
    Bamboo in my face

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Skin glistens,
    Beads of sweat,
    Muscles Straining,
    Release, tighten again.
    Two bodies move,
    opposed, yet together.
    The dance of dominance.
    I love sports!
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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I'm bad at rhyming.
    And rhythm.
    Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking).

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    I'll get back to you, I'm trying to compose a poem about how bad free verse is (written in free verse, of course, because I have trouble sticking to forms). It'll have an abaa rhyme scheme and lines of as varying length as I can make them, while still retaining some form of rhythm.

    If I'm going to write bad poetry I'm going to do this properly.

    Until then.

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    Whenever I squat
    I end up falling backwards
    Need lots of stretching

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    And I was a chord
    With no intervals inside of it.

    I like it :D
    Last edited by kedirimakmur1; 2017-10-20 at 11:14 PM.

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    A windshield approached
    Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
    Ow ow ow ow ow

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vinyadan View Post
    A windshield approached
    Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
    Ow ow ow ow ow
    Inspired by Baldrick's 'The German Guns' I assume?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zelphas View Post
    So here I am, trapped in my laboratory, trying to create a Mechabeast that's powerful enough to take down the howling horde outside my door, but also won't join them once it realizes what I've done...twentieth time's the charm, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    How about a Jovian Uplift stuck in a Case morph? it makes so little sense.

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    Default Re: Bad poetry

    A slightly more serious example.

    I wrote this as an experiment many years ago, while bored at work. The first three stanzas are (relatively) serious, however the next three stanzas are the same, but passed once through Google Translate, and the final three are passed through multiple times.


    Garbage In; Wastes Outside

    I stare at my computer.
    My computer stares at me.
    The single eye that never blinks.
    The day passes, bit by bit.

    The programs run; the disks drive.
    Ephemeral documents written in stone.
    All this served on a platter.
    The sands run out, bit by bit.

    The world turns; the clock ticks.
    Work is no longer a physical thing.
    The hiss of the fan competes with the silence.
    My days in the bucket, bit by bit.

    I look mean computers firm on.
    My computer looks at firmly me.
    The simple eye, which never blinks.
    The transitions from day less by the less.

    The program race; the unit plates.
    In the stone written passing documents.
    All this served on a tray.
    The sand is exhausted little by the less.

    The revolutions of the world; the ticking clock.
    The work is not more a physical thing.
    Whistling the fan competes with the silence.
    My days in the bucket less by the less.

    I consider to local means of the computers that I determine him.
    My calculation considers the resolute premises.
    The simple eye, of that flicker never.
    Passages of the newspaper, bit of the bit.

    The passage of the programs; the unit of the disc.
    Provisory's Scripture of the original one on the rock.
    Everything was used this in the high geniuses of the ventilator to moor for the relaunched layers.
    The sand of the updated restorations of the bit of the world is not exausted, bitten;

    Armor-piercing equipment of shield of the arsenal of the pulse of the detonation.
    The work is not of one more a certain way a systematic test the one that that.
    It whistles of breather competed to the peace.
    My days in the position, bit of the bit.
    Warning: This posting may contain wit, wisdom, pathos, irony, satire, sarcasm and puns. And traces of nut.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Inspired by Baldrick's 'The German Guns' I assume?
    Baldrick, what brilliance
    He discovered Futurism
    Take that, Italians.

    Blackadder's the name
    You may imagine a snake
    Instead it's a Brit.

    Trogdor was a man
    Or maybe a dragon man
    Burninating stuff.

    Noodles of the future
    Noodles were in my first love
    Noodles of the pasta

    A candle's early light
    So that the young sun may rise
    Watch: it always works.

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