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    Ogre in the Playground
     
    An Enemy Spy's Avatar

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    Default How do I make friends as an adult?

    I have absolutely no social circle at all. My only close friend is working all the time and can never hang out with me for more than a couple hours before he has to dash off to his next computer job or to go to bed to wake up early. I work on Friday and Saturday nights so I can't go out when most people are off work. I don't live in a big city with places where I can go to meet people with similar interests. I feel utterly alone and completely trapped by my schedule, and I would just like someone I could see on a semi-regular basis to alleviate the boredom.

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    Troll in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    There was a previous thread on the subject, my contribution was:

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    Your co-workers actually talk about their kids?
    Awesome, I'm jealous of you!
    Except for one guy who complains about his wife and kids when he's not either boasting about or cursing his girlfriend/mistress and who's now thankfully on leave so I don't have to listen to him for awhile, all my co-workers, despite being parents, mostly talk about gruesome crimes that are in the news, major league sports, casinos, buffet tables, lewd jokes, and very occasionally politics (the last two topics are nominally forbidden by our employer but that seldom stops anyone).
    I got a lot of people angry when I suggested on the Confessions thread that between work and family duties most "adults" (non-students) just don't have time for "friends", and that sounds like the case for you.
    Glad you have this Forum!
    I'm a bit surprised that you don't find a group of friends with your church, but since I've never been a church member I really have no insights about that.
    Since a lack of time sounds like your biggest impediment I'm not sure any of these suggestions will help, but here's some of what I have spent time doing with people who were neither co-workers or family:

    1) Union meetings.
    Admittedly some guys at the meetings were former and future co-workers, but few have been current co-workers, and mostly it's been folks I never worked with. I knew one great guy who besides going to Union meetings would also go to a Freemason Lodge near my home, such was his love of being in a "Guild" (being in a sevice club is similar).

    2) Volunteering.
    I've definitely met people by volunteering for "Habitat for Humanity", and precinct walking.

    3) Dungeons & Dragons!
    Click here for a
    D&D ADVENTURERS LEAGUE regional list, lot's of e-mail address! You should be able to find someone to game with (I'm sure there's an equivalent for Pathfinder).

    My experience has been that after leaving high school (I wasn't privileged with a University education), there just simply isn't the freetime to maintain the kind of friendships I had as a youth, but a half-dozen folks at the "Confessions" thread were kind enough to alert me to the fact that other people still find the time!

    Good Luck!

    For general happiness advice, from at a different thread:I posted this:
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    it is well to still pursue relationships (I.e. connections/conversations) with other people, but avoid for now seeking "relationships" (romance).
    In fact avoid thinking about your personal happiness much at all.
    Instead pretend to take an interest in the well-being of others (collegues, students, grocery store clerks,, street beggers etc).
    Ask them how their doing, pretend you care, maybe take a week off and volunteer for something like habitat for humanity.Tell jokes and try to get someone to smile. Do good work. Get outside your head and "fake it till you make it".
    Even if you never get very happy, you'll at least have made the world a better place, and you may get some small satisfaction from that. In my experience happiness usually comes when your too busy to look for it.

    I'd add that my Dad made a friend in Hospice care this week, they bonded over memories of the Jazz music scene of the 1950's, so there's hope, once the curse of earning a living is done with.

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    I personally recommend starting small. Try to find one group that meets, say, once a week to do a thing. The thing can be anything; sports club, book group, volunteering, cooking class, hiking meetup, whatever. It just needs to fulfill two things. One, it needs to meet regularly. This gives you the opportunity to interact with the same overall pool of people as well as giving you something to look forward to throughout the week. Two, it needs to be about a particular activity, so you all have something to focus on that isn't awkwardly trying to force interaction. The activity gives you something to enjoy and also a natural conversational focal point when talking.

    I would also say, don't go along with the express intention of making friends. Go with the intention of enjoying the activity, and meeting and interacting with people. Trying to force it is usually obvious and awkward.
    Only an animal does useful things. An animal gets food, finds a place to sleep, tries to keep comfortable. But I wanted to do something that was not useful, not like an animal at all. Something only a human being would do.
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    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Take dance lessons, join a creative writing course, volunteer at some animal shelter...

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    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Volunteer at a seniors center, by teaching a group of the residents to play D&D, and then host a weekly game.

    Their schedule would work fine with yours.

    I'm half serious.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Find things that happen regularly on your days off. Start attending those things.

    Find coworkers with whom you share interests and can stand to be around outside of work. Grab a drink after a particularly rough day of work.
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    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Find a public social gathering that you'd enjoy and meet people there; that's effectively what you did in school as a kid. Once you've got a rapport with someone, invite them to some one on one hangout, then lock them in your basement congratulations! You've got a friend.
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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    As others have said, get involved in something. Check out MeetUp.com

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    Titan in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Don't find friends. Find activities.

    Friends come from activities.

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    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    I'm in a similar situation, because I moved a couple hundred miles away from all my friends and haven't made many new ones since the move. In my case, part of the problem is that I'm a homebody and never go anywhere.

    Here's a thought: based on your Wheel of Time threads, you are good at talking about books and have a lot of worthwhile stuff to say.
    Do you have a public library in your area?
    If so, does the library have one or more book discussion groups you could join?
    If they don't, or if they do but none of them read books that interest you, try talking to a librarian about starting up a new one.

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    Pixie in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Someone suggested not finding friends and finding activities. It's always a good way to meet people. depending on the size of the place you live there are also activity websites that not only have tabletop game groups and whatnot but other things as well.

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    As if friends are even worth having, most of the time...

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    As if friends are even worth having, most of the time...
    I find regular socialization keeps my mental health issues at bay. Also tis fun.

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    I find regular socialization keeps my mental health issues at bay. Also tis fun.
    Until the inevitable day when they turn on you and sell your possessions for crack money. Up til that point, I guess friends are alright.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    Until the inevitable day when they turn on you and sell your possessions for crack money. Up til that point, I guess friends are alright.
    If that's a routine happening you need a different type of friend. That is very not normal.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    If that's a routine happening you need a different type of friend. That is very not normal.
    Not sure how many "different" types of people are left. I swear to God, everyone I meet in this town eventually turns out to be addicted to crack. Young, old, scruffy, clean-cut, ignorant, educated, broke, well-off, every single person I befriend winds up selling my things for crack.

    Unless the early signs of a crack addiction happen to line up with personality traits I find appealing, I'm not sure why this keeps happening. I refuse to believe that I may be the cause of 20+ people developing drug problems in the 3 years since I moved here. Especially since it's always, invariably, specifically crack.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    Not sure how many "different" types of people are left. I swear to God, everyone I meet in this town eventually turns out to be addicted to crack. Young, old, scruffy, clean-cut, ignorant, educated, broke, well-off, every single person I befriend winds up selling my things for crack.

    Unless the early signs of a crack addiction happen to line up with personality traits I find appealing, I'm not sure why this keeps happening. I refuse to believe that I may be the cause of 20+ people developing drug problems in the 3 years since I moved here. Especially since it's always, invariably, specifically crack.
    .....move?
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  18. - Top - End - #18
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    I am more curious about how they get your stuff to sell it. I mean, are they friends or roommates?

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    .....move?
    Not on this salary, friendo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vinyadan View Post
    I am more curious about how they get your stuff to sell it. I mean, are they friends or roommates?
    You try stopping a determined crackhead from breaking into your house while you're at work. Tell me how it goes.

  20. - Top - End - #20
    Eldritch Horror in the Playground Moderator
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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    Not on this salary, friendo.


    You try stopping a determined crackhead from breaking into your house while you're at work. Tell me how it goes.
    How does that change for friends vs. strangers?
    Quote Originally Posted by Red Fel, on quest rewards
    "Is a stack of ten pancakes too many pancakes to give to the party, even if most of them fell on the floor and one or two were stepped on? I wanted to give my party pancakes as a reward but I'm unsure if it's too much. The pancakes are also laced with blowfish poison so the party would have to get an antitoxin before they could eat the ones which weren't pulverized by shoes."

    I don't think anyone would want those pancakes even if you paid them to eat them.

  21. - Top - End - #21
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    How does that change for friends vs. strangers?
    Mostly it hurts more, because I trusted the friends.

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    RogueGuy

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    Mostly it hurts more, because I trusted the friends.
    My only question is what are you doing with your life that you aren't selling crack to the whole neighbourhood...

    If Life throws lemons at your face... smuggle the drugs inside them!
    (sic)

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    Troll in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    crack...
    .
    Sounds very retro.

    Thanks for the '80's flashback.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Crow's Avatar

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Well usually when dirtbags continually come into a person's life, it isn't chance. The common thread in all those relationships is you.

    So you're doing something that is making it more likely to become friends with crackheads, yes. Sorry. I hope you figure out what it is and stop.
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    Mordokai's Avatar

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    I'm going to offer some half drunk, somewhat tired wisdom. Take it with a shovel of salt.

    Speaking as a sort of introvert that has been battling with loneliness and depression in way or another(even if it took me some five to ten years to recognize and admit it to myself) ever since leaving his pre-graduate studies... I think I can understand you.

    And really... not much can be said about it. You have to learn to exist with yourself. And it's a bloody hard skill to obtain. You miss and loathe company at the same time... you want to share your misery with somebody, if only to make them feel miserable as well. Because it will surely make you feel better... right?

    It doesn't. And somewhere down the road, you recognize it. You try to turn your life around and do good on world and people around you. And you usually get punished for it. So you turn bitter and spiteful. Maybe you search for professional help. Maybe you turn to your hobbies and alcohol.

    You exist like this for few years, ups and downs coming and going. And really, it's a fairly miserable life. Then one day you figure it out, nobody's gonna change it for me. I'm gonna have to change it myself.

    After that, less than delightful exposition... I am currently at much the same point as you are. Mid aged, single male, with few real prospects(and fewer friends still) in life. And despite it all... I am currently mostly at peace with it all.

    The thing that helped me most(I think), was meditation. Sitting alone with your thoughts for a predetermined amount of time, each day, for last five months, was a hard experience, but it helped me come to terms with a lot of things. Mostly, with myself. None of my problems have changed or moved away, but I can now look at them with new eyes.

    It has also helped me with one thing I struggled with for most of the last ten years... been alone. So yeah, I'm a big advocate of meditating.

    That doesn't mean I don't still enjoy, or even search company. But my alone time has been much easier on myself. And just for that, I think taking ten minutes of your schedule each day is totally worth it.
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  26. - Top - End - #26
    Troll in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Seems to me that another dissenter to this whole "making friends" stuff may be warranted, so despite my STUNNING HUMILITY!!! I will quote the bestest of all source I know on the subject:

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    Okay, the way that I'm "friends with annoying people" is simple, I'm "friendly", but never "friends".

    I haven't bothered to call anyone a friend since the 20th Century.

    Instead they are:

    People I work with.

    My bookseller (who is getting out of the business, much to my sadness, 20% off until Jack calls it quits at Dark Carnival in Berkeley).

    Other merchants and service providers.

    People my wife knows.

    People my son knows.

    People I play games with.

    Family.

    Brothers and sisters in my Union.

    Brothers and sisters in my Labor Federation.

    Fellow Citizens.

    Traffic.

    Friends are people who help you move, and you help move.

    I no longer own a pick-up*truck, and the only recent co-worker who I know has one was been exiled to the 9-1-1 Emergency Call Center (besides he scares me with his bigoted comments, and his giant gun and ammunition collection).

    I hire movers now, so I no-longer try to be "friends with annoying people", but when I was young, poor, and strong, I did maintain many friendships in which we helped each other move, so that's the "why".
    .
    If you still have a strong back and a light wallet, than having friends may still be good, but eventually you just can't risk injury anymore, and do you really want the obligations?

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    ...A more articulate man than me put it thus:

    .
    You will still crave communicating with other people, and fortunately there's this Forum so you don't have to suffer commuting to scratch that itch, but you may be unable to shed the craving of talking to people in person, well besides activities, volunteering, attending church (I've heard, no direct experience myself), there's being a regular at a bar or cafe, which can be tricky as if the place is too crowded there's the whole "lost in a crowd" thing, and if too empty than there isn't much point except to tip well the barista/bartender).

    In my area decades ago (and probably still) they were regular motorcycle "rides", which usually consisted of more talking than riding, unfortunately motorcyclists have the habit of dying young (I knew nine in my social circle who died over an eight year period).

    Really, the easiest way to make friends is to collect a pension and move into an elder/senior "housing community", and you may make friends who don't expect to exchange heaving lifting.

    -Both respectfully and tongue-in-cheek

  27. - Top - End - #27
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    Well usually when dirtbags continually come into a person's life, it isn't chance. The common thread in all those relationships is you.

    So you're doing something that is making it more likely to become friends with crackheads, yes. Sorry. I hope you figure out what it is and stop.
    "It's YOUR fault crackheads keep breaking into your house, stealing your things, and selling them for crack money."

    What the **** ever.
    Last edited by Future Sword; 2017-11-23 at 12:15 AM.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Crow's Avatar

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    "It's YOUR fault crackheads keep breaking into your house, stealing your things, and selling them for crack money."

    What the **** ever.
    Well you seemed to imply that they were your friends, and not random crackheads.

    Pick one.
    Last edited by Crow; 2017-11-23 at 12:42 AM.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
    WarKitty's Avatar

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Future Sword View Post
    "It's YOUR fault crackheads keep breaking into your house, stealing your things, and selling them for crack money."

    What the **** ever.
    It honestly sounds more like you live in a bad area where a lot of people are on crack. That would explain meeting a lot of crackheads.

    Sometimes you get stuck living in crappy situations. But it's not normal.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2017-11-23 at 12:52 AM.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: How do I make friends as an adult?

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow View Post
    Well you seemed to imply that they were your friends, and not random crackheads.

    Pick one.
    Some of them were, yes. Until they stole my **** and broke into my house. I don't need to "pick one", because I never changed the details. Whether they were my friends or not was never ambiguous. I said so outright.

    Look. If I befriend a guy, and that guy later reveals a crack addiction by burgling me to fuel it, I am in no way responsible for that burglary or crack addiction. Implying otherwise is just scummy.
    Last edited by Future Sword; 2017-11-23 at 01:58 AM.

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