Bad OOC TTRPG jokes

[PhoenixPhyre]

I’m a fan of bad jokes. The worse the better. This is the thread for such thing related to RPGs and the people that play them.

I’ll start:

Q. What’s the favorite food of GitP regulars?
A. Sashimi. They prefer their meals RAW.

If 5e D&D spellcasters were in charge of catering...
Wizards could cook anything, given the right recipe.
Clerics have one real good place on speed-dial but insist on telling everyone about it.
Sorcerers only cook a few things, but they’re great at small modifications to make it seem like more.
Druids are great with vegetarian recipes, but they can only order one big thing at a time.
Bards serve simple meals but make you think they were really fancy.

Ok, hit me with your best shots. The worse the better. Don’t feel bound to stick to D&D—I’m sure some of you exalted folks can fudge together some fateful jokes. Just don’t make them FATAL.

[Cluedrew]

There was a similar thread back in Friendly Banter a while back, maybe someone can find it. I couldn't but I found this thread which is not about RPG Jokes.

GM: "The grim reaper appears and attacks you for {rolls} 11 damage."
P2: "How far are you from death?"
P1: "5ft."

Cleric: "Hey, how much HP do you have left?"
GM: "Can we please keep the combat talk in character?"
Fighter (In Character): "On a scale from one to 48, I'm feeling a solid 29 right now."

[Jay R]

My 2E thief/mage came up with the following in play. We were a party of 14-year-olds, and (with a small army) had attacked an evil priest in his lair. He appeared on his balcony to work his evil magic, and my character Ornrandir jumped down from the roof to engage him.

Priest: You? You are the great heroes who think you can stop me?
Ornrandir: And you'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling kids.

[Mastikator]

Why do rogues wear leather armor?
Because it's made of hide.

....I'll see myself out

[Lord Raziere]

How many DnD players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to DM, and other five to burn everything in the room except the lightbulb.

How many Vampire players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to GM, one to angst over being a vampire, one to become a political mastermind, one to have thinly veiled metaphors for sex through biting people, one to be the Fishmalk, and the fifth to optimize Celerity then take out the Prince in one blow.

How many Mage the Ascension players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to GM, one to declare that their way of interpreting the game is the correct one, one to disagree, two more to make the argument worse and the last to say "can't we all just agree to disagree?"

How many Exalted 3e Players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six, but they're still waiting eternally for more lightbulbs to change other than Solars.

[Jay R]

How many old-school gamers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well, go ahead, but it will never be as good as the old bulb was."

[RedMage125]

From a 3.5e game, been running awhile, players were fairly high level. Player of the party fighter used to go through the Monster Manual, comparing STR scores of various monsters to his own ("I'm stronger than that, stronger than that, almost as strong as that", etc).

So, crossing an underground lake, party gets attacked by a kraken.

Fighter: A Kraken!, Aww, I am ALMOST as strong as that!
DM (me): A kraken is Gargantuan, with eight limbs of pure muscle. It could snap you in half.
Wizard: Snap! Kraken! Pop!
DM (me):...
...
...
...give yourself 15 xp.

[Calthropstu]

I posted these elsewhere but eh...

How do you find out if a cleric or wizard is a necromancer? Check their ghoulfriend for hickies (neck romancer...)

Why do mages store their works in their graves? So that it becomes in-crypt-ed.

Shouldn't sleep counter the awaken spell?

"I cast slay living."
"Ok, you now have a talking sleigh."

"I cast teleport."
"Ok. What do you tell the port?"

Gm: All you find that is magical in the entire dungeon is a single musical instument.
Player 1: That's it? We spent weeks clearing this place out. This loot is terrible.
GM: Actually it's rather nice. It has gem encrusted tuners.
Player 2: Doesn't matter how nice the instrument is, we should be getting better loot at our level.
GM: But it's the best lute you've ever seen.
Player 1: Psh, we've had much better. That sword we sold for 20k was so much better.
Player 2: Yeah.
GM: Yeah, but that wasn't a lute.
Player 1: Yeah it was we got it from that dragon hoard.
Player 2: (Catching on) I hate you right now. Did you set this up just to make that pun?
GM: (laughing) Yes, yes I did. Do you like how I... a-lute-d to it?
Player 2: throws die at gm

I cast summon monster! (Place monster energy drink on map)

Fights with winged lizards tend to take a while... they really tend to drag on.

A man shows up in a dress. He is obviously... drag on.

I could place a hundred more but eh I'll leave some for others.

[Jormengand]

What do you call a halfling diviner/necromancer on the run?

A small medium at large!

[Guizonde]

i once stepped on a d4. i died.

i spilled ink on my character sheet. he dyed.

[JAL_1138]

Rary of Ket got his name because the third-level title for Magic-Users was "Medium," and Brian Blume, his player, wanted to be able to introduce him as "Medium Rary."

[PhoenixPhyre]

Rary of Ket got his name because the third-level title for Magic-Users was "Medium," and Brian Blume, his player, wanted to be able to introduce him as "Medium Rary."

I've heard that "Melf" (as in melf's acid arrow) didn't even have a name and was just "Male Elf."

How many old-school gamers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well, go ahead, but it will never be as good as the old bulb was."

Groan.

From a 3.5e game, been running awhile, players were fairly high level. Player of the party fighter used to go through the Monster Manual, comparing STR scores of various monsters to his own ("I'm stronger than that, stronger than that, almost as strong as that", etc).

So, crossing an underground lake, party gets attacked by a kraken.

Fighter: A Kraken!, Aww, I am ALMOST as strong as that!
DM (me): A kraken is Gargantuan, with eight limbs of pure muscle. It could snap you in half.
Wizard: Snap! Kraken! Pop!
DM (me):...
...
...
...give yourself 15 xp.

That's amazing. Sadly all my good puns at the table are too contextual.

I did just create (although it will go unused for now) a monster:

Violent, Oversized, Long or Terminal Range, Optimized, Negating Defender. It's a giant (gigantic, in fact) multi-part robot monster (each part takes its own turn) made of a core, legs (ok, a wheeled base), separate arms, and a head.

If anyone else has a better name that has the same acronym (plus or minus the D), please, let me know.

[digiman619]

Why did the ghost take a level of Prion?
He wanted to manifest.

[JAL_1138]

I've heard that "Melf" (as in melf's acid arrow) didn't even have a name and was just "Male Elf."

Yep. "M Elf" —> Melf.

Old-school D&D is full of things like that.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Yep. "M Elf" —> Melf.

Old-school D&D is full of things like that.

Makes me wonder if we take things way too seriously these days...

Why did the ghost take a level of Prion?
He wanted to manifest.

<clapping> Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Why do rogues wear leather armor?
Because it's made of hide.

....I'll see myself out

No, please, continue! that was great! I have a rogue in a game I run where that could be his motto (or maybe "I'm an elf, so I'm better than you are")

[JBPuffin]

How do I know the Bangles had at least one 3rd-level cleric in their band?

They have access to an eternal flaaaaame.