If you were a fantasy land NPC what kind of npc would you like to be?

[Lvl 2 Expert]

I would be the poopsmith. Hopefully the party leaves me alone and doesn't harvest my kidneys.

Next time I have to excuse myself to go to the toilet I'm saying I have some poopsmithing to do.

At least it's better than poopsmiting.

college wizard or temple cleric

Ooh, good one. Those hardly ever get killed, except maybe to demonstrate this new villain is extremely ruthless, and even then he'll probably go for the orphanage instead.

[Bohandas]

Ooh, good one. Those hardly ever get killed, except maybe to demonstrate this new villain is extremely ruthless, and even then he'll probably go for the orphanage instead.

And they get cool magic powers

[Lvl 2 Expert]

And they get cool magic powers

And they have a decent job with grateful customers, and they have the best health plan.

Maybe church life really is the best option.

[AMFV]

Presumably I'd still be a carpenter, and with dragons and trolls and orc raids always destroying bridges, houses, and castles, work would be very good.

[2D8HP]

My Guild would typically remain armed at work.

[enderlord99]

Dead, probably.

[khadgar567]

still all you gents and ladies need to meet me when that macguffin and ship you have is out of power plus with good tech ideas i can be tycoon in the world were you guys need to protect me while i do my work.

[Ravens_cry]

The eccentric wizardess who brews potions and creates devices with odd and oddly useful effects, does research into the sacred, the profane, and the just plain weird (but not too weird. Forbidden Knowledge breaks OSHA* guidelines), and has arguments with her cat.
*Occult Spells and Hexes Association, of course.

[Grek]

Spooky tavern ghost, probably.

[Grey_Wolf_c]

Presumably I'd still be a carpenter, and with dragons and trolls and orc raids always destroying bridges, houses, and castles, work would be very good.

Yeah, you can't go wrong with being a bridge builder in most fantasy settings. Never lacking for work, and you get to tell the PCs to go do some sidequests while you do absolutely nothing for days on end until they obey.

I'd be the villager asking the PCs for twenty bear asses in exchange for some minor magical trinket in the second town (not the first: that one burns down way too often). You want to be early on, when the rewards are low and yet the PCs still want to do the silly fetch quests.

Grey Wolf

[Red Fel]

Four letters, infinite possibilities:

B. B. E. G.

You're welcome.

[Honest Tiefling]

I could go Tarquin and be the evil overlord, but I'm too nice for that.

Tarquin has STYLE. Classic red and black color scheme, and it's heavily implied he's some sort of silver fox. Only issue is that with the way his sons have turned out, he might end up dying in a epilogue due to a puppet. Still, fashion always has sacrifices.

I'd like to be a princess, but I feel like that job would come with too much risk of kidnapping. How about a noble's daughter? That's almost as good, and they don't get kidnapped as often, do they? Then again, most fantasy worlds enforce a pseudo-medieval setting, so chances are the noble's daughter would end up in an arranged marriage at some point. That's not good. I guess I can bump down to daughter of a rich merchant, then? That'll come with a decent amount of comfort without any strings attached. That seems to be the best option.

You think too small. What's the problem with an arranged marriage if you're the one doing the arranging? You're a noble's daughter, chances are a magical education either via temple or the arcane isn't beyond your reach. If we're going as far as to assume a standard fantasy world, then there's unlikely to be enough sexism to stop you from pursuing your dreams. With your new found magical powers, get yourself Mr. Tall, Dark, Studly and Stupid with rich parents. That last one will serve you well for when you want to sample some things outside of marriage or run your own schemes. Just make sure to keep his idiot genes out of the genepool or just plain adopt.

After all, didn't someone mention that 10 year old monarchs are indestructible? Adopt yourself one. Too young to really want anything but more pudding, and they'd probably make decent human shields. Can't murder me in front of my adopted child, paladin! Think of the trauma!

...I get the feeling I'd be some sort of imp. Too weak for the smiting and just giving people bad ideas.

[Maryring]

I'd be the sage hidden somewhere far away that teaches one of the PCs their ultimate flashy move in return for beating me in a super-hard fight. So hard, I'm somehow tougher than the main villain, but I don't do a thing to stop him cause reasons.

[Fable Wright]

I think, based on my real job, I'd probably be an artificer of some variety, making macguffins and things I don't entirely understand. The PCs never meet The Wizard Who Did It, so I'd probably be safe enough, though there's... I'd give it an 80% chance that I'd be recruited by the BBEG to make doomsday weapons? Job security, at least.

What I'd like to be is the Sleeping Giant, the big unstoppable force that keeps to itself and follows its own relatively benign agenda until the PCs or Big Bad somehow screw up. The Lady of Pain really does seem to have a nice job...

[Ember]

I'd probably be a keeper of an Alchemy or Magical-item shop. I've always enjoyed the mystical side of fantasy worlds and I usually play as elven or fey-type characters in my games. So being an Mystical Elven Shopkeep would be the NPC I'd like to be.

[Scarlet Knight]

I'm reading through these NPCs ; so many good ideas / memories. Makes me miss playing D&D so much...

I'd like to be a princess, but I feel like that job would come with too much risk of kidnapping. How about a noble's daughter? That's almost as good, and they don't get kidnapped as often, do they? Then again, most fantasy worlds enforce a pseudo-medieval setting, so chances are the noble's daughter would end up in an arranged marriage at some point. That's not good. I guess I can bump down to daughter of a rich merchant, then? That'll come with a decent amount of comfort without any strings attached. That seems to be the best option.

Now that I think of it, your chances of kidnapping are the same no matter what. The only change is the level of the kidnapper.

Princess? Dragon for sure. Rich merchant's child? Orcs or bandits.

The only difference is if you're a noble's daughter it will start out as a kidnapping , but then it's discovered you ran away with a poor troubadour and the PCs have to go through some ethical gymnastics...

[Goodkill]

the alcoholic shaman who offers strange wisdom to the pcs when appropriate.

this is kind of what i used to be IRL anyway lol (i don't drink anymore or have schizophrenic hallucinations voices etc.)

[Lvl 2 Expert]

I'd probably be a keeper of an Alchemy or Magical-item shop. I've always enjoyed the mystical side of fantasy worlds and I usually play as elven or fey-type characters in my games. So being an Mystical Elven Shopkeep would be the NPC I'd like to be.

I'll come in ones every few weeks with what I haven't sold on markets or to wandering adventurers or used myself. You can have it for 85% of the handbook price, no obligation to buy the whole package.

[tlhopbow]

Khajiit has wares

[Lady_Springtime]

I'm thinking sage or royal archivist.

[Velaryon]

I'll be the shopkeep at the magic item shop. It's a very lucrative business, I get to have all sorts of awesome wares, and if the PCs ever try to rob me, I'll probably turn out to be a retired level 30 Archmage and/or an a hidden gold great wyrm inexplicably selling treasures instead of hoarding them.

Oh, sage. Absolutely sage. I mean, I get to make a living reading books and studying whatever I want? Yes please!

(How do generic sages make their living, anyway?)

Why, they get a master's degree so they can spend all day helping people with the Xerox machine become a librarian, of course!

Chances are you'll actually spend all day getting interrupted by obnoxious adventurers who need your knowledge to complete their low-level fetch quest, rather than actually getting to finish your reading. Better practice your annoyed muttering skills!

[Aliquid]

I'd be the one who wasn't eaten by a dragon, kidnapped by goblins, robbed by bandits, murdered by the BBEG's armies, beaten up by a passing lord, dying to a supernatural plague, haunted by the local ghost, etc. etc. etc.

The one who isn't victimized so passing heroes can say 'this is terrible, we need to go fight something'.

That's exactly what came to mind for me too.

[Blackhawk748]

A minor Lord in a well off (but not to well off) section of the Kingdom, out of the way, but not at the frontier. Basically a nice backwater little section that noone cares about.

I'd be the villager asking the PCs for twenty bear asses in exchange for some minor magical trinket in the second town (not the first: that one burns down way too often). You want to be early on, when the rewards are low and yet the PCs still want to do the silly fetch quests.

Grey Wolf

This is my second choice. I want...a herring!!

[Potato_Priest]

I want to be the local priest of an agricultural deity in Blackhawk748's backwater village! I can help the plants grow and do a little bit of healing when someone gets run over by their haycart, and I'd get to have a nice stable life as a respected member of the community.

Sign me up!

[Scarlet Knight]

I want to be the local priest of an agricultural deity in Blackhawk748's backwater village! I can help the plants grow and do a little bit of healing when someone gets run over by their haycart, and I'd get to have a nice stable life as a respected member of the community.

Sign me up!

No, no. Backwater places are where the local priest always has to call in PCs when the bodies turn up and say things like:" I don't understand! This was always such a peaceful place!"

I want...a herring!!

Your new priest requested a shrubbery...

[ereinion]

A minor Lord in a well off (but not to well off) section of the Kingdom, out of the way, but not at the frontier. Basically a nice backwater little section that noone cares about.

Too bad for you that quiet, backwater villages is where the eldritch horrors always make their appearance. Actually, I think it is where I'll set up my Little Shop That Wasn't There Yesterday.

[Blackhawk748]

Too bad for you that quiet, backwater villages is where the eldritch horrors always make their appearance. Actually, I think it is where I'll set up my Little Shop That Wasn't There Yesterday.

Typically you'd be right, but I'd be genre savy and could nip most of these in the bud

[Goaty14]

I would be a very, very charismatic half-elven bard with all the PCs wrapped around her little finger. Holding up the campaign with stupid side quests and infighting.

Because it would be fun.

Aw shucks somebody beat me to it

I would also want to be the stupid bloke who always has some stupid errand to have a bunch of high-level PCs go off and blunder with. Once they come back from slaughtering the whole goblin tribe because I lost my keepsake ring, my toilet isn't flushing right, and the PCs have to go off into the sewers...

[Zurvan]

A cleric for sure, but not an adventure cleric, just an odinary cleric in a big temple or monastery.

Think about it, what do I do with most of my free time?

I read about legends, myths and gods, I also read tales of fantasy and legend.

Then I talk about the lore and discuss what is and what is not canon with likeminded individuals.

Being a cleric in a fantasy setting means that I can do that as a job, not only that but the legends and gods are undoubtedly real, I also get social, political and magical power out of this.

And I don't have to risk my life but if monster do attack I'll be able to protect myself using magic without having to learn it, in most fantasy setting magic looks a lot like math and I just hate math.

So i get away with doing what i love plus a bunch of bonus features, the perfect job.

[saltstorming]

Hmm. My best bet sounds like living in a thriving city, though space might be an issue. With luck, maybe I’d have access to magical training to make sure I don’t end up the kidnapped victim, though living in a city ensures that there are more targets other than myself.

...What’s the average unwilling-evil-plot-involvement rate of magical initiates?