tell me your best joke

[Peelee]

The famous physicist Heisenberg is pulled over by Highway Patrol. The policeman dismounts his bike, walks over, knocks on the window and asks the physicist, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "Yes, I do" and immediately disappears.

I like that punchline. I've always heard it as the cop saying, "did you know you were going 80," and Heisenberg replying, "dammit, now I'm lost!"

[Lvl 2 Expert]

I like that punchline. I've always heard it as the cop saying, "did you know you were going 80," and Heisenberg replying, "dammit, now I'm lost!"

I like your version better to be honest. Not knowing your location doesn't make you disappear, but it does make you lost.

[Wraith]

It might even be a better joke if the two were combined. Given what little I know of the Principle beyond the broad outline, it might be suitable if the Policeman is the observer of the subject, so if HE states the subject's speed then the location has to change/be unknown to him.

"Did you know that you were going 88 miles per hour back there?" Asks the cop.
"OH SHI-" says Heisenberg, and immediately disappears.

So either Heisenberg disappears, or the Policeman goes blind. The former is probably less cruel

-----

Why do Swedish, Finnish and Norwegian boats have a barcode painted on their hull?
So that they when they return to port, the military can Scandinavian.

[ve4grm]

The way I've heard it most is:

Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "Of course! But I have NO idea where I am!"

[Ebon_Drake]

I watched an interview with Roger Federer the other day. The interviewer asked him what the best thing about coming from Switzerland is. He said the flag is a big plus.

I went to the zoo at the weekend, but all they had there was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

[Jon_Dahl]

[Cizak]

All those mathematician jokes back there and no one mentioned:

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender: 'One glass of beer, please!'
The second one says: 'Half a glass of beer, please!'
The third one says: 'A quarter glass of beer, please!'
The fourth one says: 'One eighth of a glass of beer, please!'
At this point, the bartender says: 'You're all idiots', and pours two glasses of beer."

Two of my favorites in the "short and dumb" category are:

"I still remember the last words my grandfather spoke to me before he kicked the bucket.
He said: 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'"

"A psychic dwarf escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large."

[Peelee]

All those mathematician jokes back there and no one mentioned:

"An infinite number of mathematician walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender: 'One glass of beer, please!'
The second one says: 'Half a glass of beer, please!'
The third one says: 'A quarter glass of beer, please!'
The fourth one says: 'One eighth of a glass of beer, please!'
At this point, the bartender says: 'You're all idiots', and pours two glasses of beer."

I thought there may have been a limit.

[Silverraptor]

All those mathematician jokes back there and no one mentioned:

"An infinite number of mathematician walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender: 'One glass of beer, please!'
The second one says: 'Half a glass of beer, please!'
The third one says: 'A quarter glass of beer, please!'
The fourth one says: 'One eighth of a glass of beer, please!'
At this point, the bartender says: 'You're all idiots', and pours two glasses of beer."

I had to read the last line twice. But after I did, I curled up into a ball of hysterical giggles and couldn't stop for 10 minutes.

[Wraith]

"I still remember the last words my grandfather spoke to me before he kicked the bucket.
He said: 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'"

I'll never forget the last words that my grandfather said to be before he died. He said: "What are you doing? Stop shaking the ladder, you idio-"

When I woke up this morning, there was a horse next to me in bed. Obviously, I'd had a nightmare.

My girlfriend has just told me, "I'm sorry, but I can't see you anymore." I say to her, "Hang on, I'm hiding behind the sofa."

[Cizak]

I had to read the last line twice. But after I did, I curled up into a ball of hysterical giggles and couldn't stop for 10 minutes.

Always great when you get to tell a classic to someone who hasn't heard it before.

[Bastian Weaver]

Okay, time for SCIENCE!

The bartender says, "Hey, we stick to causality principle here".
Tachyon walks into a bar.

[Anonymouswizard]

An example of the bad punnery I tend to make in real life.

There's often suggestions of making an orion drive rocket, but no country's willing to deal with the fallout.

[Silverraptor]

Okay, here's one that's a classic.

*A duck walks in to a bar and walks up to the bartender. The duck asks, "Do you got any grapes?" The Bartender replies, "No." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks in to the bar and walks up to the bartender. The duck asks, "Do you got any grapes?" The Bartender replies, "I told you we don't! We don't have any grapes!" So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks in to the bar and walks up to the bartender. The duck asks, "Do you got any grapes?" The Bartender replies, "No! We don't have any grapes here you dumb duck! If you come back in here asking for grapes again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks in to the bar and walks up to the bartender. The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The Bartender replies, "No." Then the duck replies, "Well then, do you have any grapes?"*

[Bastian Weaver]

Okay, here's one from the times of Soviet Union.
Man comes to a shop and wants to buy gloves. And since the new policy of the party is to "try and be nice to people", so instead of just saying "no gloves, get out", the vendor says, "you're going to wear them with a coat, aren't you, sir?" "Yeah", says the man, "so what?" "You see, it would be perfect if you bring that specific coat here, so that we pick the matching gloves". "Okay, I'll just go home and fetch it", the man says. Another customer turns to him and says "Don't listen to them, buddy, I've brought my toilet and I've showed them my butt and they still don't have any toilet paper!"

[Elenna]

The way I've heard it most is:

Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "Of course! But I have NO idea where I am!"

Huh, the way I've heard it is exactly the opposite: "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

Also, the may not be funny to anyone but math majors, but oh well:

A sociologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland when they see a black sheep out the window.

"Oh look," says the sociologist, "there are black sheep in Scotland!"

"Well," says the engineer, "there is at least one black sheep in Scotland."

The mathematician replies "All we know for sure is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, at least one side of which is black."

[ve4grm]

Huh, the way I've heard it is exactly the opposite: "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

It's interesting the amount of... uncertainty that surrounds this joke.

[Mordokai]

Spoiler

Show

Entropy ain't what it used to be.

[Peelee]

I know a ton of jokes about e^x, but they're all a little derivative.

[Wraith]

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator; only a fraction of people know the difference.

[Anonymouswizard]

All these maths jokes.

Just don't do any work with functions under the influence of alcohol. It's dangerous, especially when you drink and derive.

[Sermil]

I'll never forget the last words that my grandfather said to be before he died. He said: "What are you doing? Stop shaking the ladder, you idio-"

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle Ted.

Not screaming in panic, like the passengers in his car.

[PopeLinus1]

Joke? I just quote xkcd and hope for the best.

[Scarlet Knight]

Here's a classic updated for D&D:

A party wakes up in the wilderness in the early morn. The elf, the druid, and the halfling head to the bushes to heed the call of nature. When they finish, the elf walks to the river and washes both his hands up to the elbow. He notices his companions watching him and says, " Our elders teach us that whenever we do things, to take the time to do them thoroughly."

The druid grunts and goes to the river, but only washes the tips of his fingers. "Our elders taught us not to waste natures precious resources" he states.

The elf and the druid stare at the halfling who has yet to go to the river. "What?" he asks, "Our elders taught us not to piss on our hands."

[Silverraptor]

Here's a classic updated for D&D:

A party wakes up in the wilderness in the early morn. The elf, the druid, and the halfling head to the bushes to heed the call of nature. When they finish, the elf walks to the river and washes both his hands up to the elbow. He notices his companions watching him and says, " Our elders teach us that whenever we do things, to take the time to do them thoroughly."

The druid grunts and goes to the river, but only washes the tips of his fingers. "Our elders taught us not to waste natures precious resources" he states.

The elf and the druid stare at the halfling who has yet to go to the river. "What?" he asks, "Our elders taught us not to piss on our hands."

Heard something similar, but it was a Navy guys and a Marine.

[Peelee]

Heard something similar, but it was a Navy guys and a Marine.

I've heard tell that Marine stands for My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment. Among all the other joke military acronyms I've heard, I always thought that one was the most clever.

[Scarlet Knight]

Heard something similar, but it was a Navy guys and a Marine.

It originally was for the military, but it actually works with any three professions .

[Strigon]

A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet.
It is a tense moment. The Serpent Guard's eyes glow. The Horus Guard's beak glistens.

The Setesh Guard's... nose drips.