tell me your best joke

[caden_varn]

A man is traveling in a hot air balloon when he drifts into a thick fog bank. He decides to drop lower to try to get his bearings. After a while, he finds himself floating over a field. Shortly thereafter he sees a man walking over the field towards him.
'Excuse me', he says, 'Could you tell me where I am?'
'Of course' the other man replies, 'You are in a hot air balloon, about 5 foot above the ground.'
The balloonist is a bit annoyed by this and says, 'Would I be right in guessing you work in IT?'
'Yes, that is correct. How did you know?'
'Well, everything you just told me is technically correct, but it is no help to anyone!'.

The other man, also annoyed, replies, 'Let me guess: do you work in management by any chance?'
'Yes, I am. How did you guess?' says the balloonist.
'You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, you've only just met me, but now it's my fault!'

[Peelee]

A man is traveling in a hot air balloon when he drifts into a thick fog bank. He decides to drop lower to try to get his bearings. After a while, he finds himself floating over a field. Shortly thereafter he sees a man walking over the field towards him.
'Excuse me', he says, 'Could you tell me where I am?'
'Of course' the other man replies, 'You are in a hot air balloon, about 5 foot above the ground.'
The balloonist is a bit annoyed by this and says, 'Would I be right in guessing you work in IT?'
'Yes, that is correct. How did you know?'
'Well, everything you just told me is technically correct, but it is no help to anyone!'.

The other man, also annoyed, replies, 'Let me guess: do you work in management by any chance?'
'Yes, I am. How did you guess?' says the balloonist.
'You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, you've only just met me, but now it's my fault!'

I'm always annoyed by that joke, because there manager never actually puts any blame on the engineer.

[ve4grm]

Well, Gilbert Gottfried... Yes, I know.

Really?

Well if anybody would tell a joke explicitly meant to not be funny...

[Peelee]

Really?

Well if anybody would tell a joke explicitly meant to not be funny...

Oh, you aren't familiar with it? Oh, man. There's actually a story behind it.

So, it's the Friar's Club roast of Hugh Hefner. It's September 29, 2001. Gilbert Gottfried tells a 9/11 joke. The crowd is... unappreciative. Gottfried figuring that he'd already lost the room and may as well go for broke, foregoes his followup and breaks out the Aristocrats, which manages to win him the room back. It was kind of impressive, in its own way.

[Elanasaurus]

It's funny, because... um... well. People protect themselves from harsh, cruel reality by pretending it's not out there, and, well, if someone points out that life is not quite as simple, they call that someone stupid... and if that someone proves the point, people call him crazy. Or something. I guess.
... I just want a pair of glass trousers, frankly. They're awesome.

Oh, now I get it! Though it's not as funny after someone asks for it to be explained
I want a pair, too!

[JeenLeen]

This is one a professor of mine told me. I'm paraphrasing and probably have the college names wrong, but here it is:

Nothing's better than a Harvard education.
A high school diploma's better than nothing.
Therefore, a high school diploma is better than a Harvard education.


I think he said it was on the bathroom of his Ivy league school, insulting another one.
...and I think something else was in place of "high school education", but I reckon this captures the spirit of the joke.

[WarKitty]

This is one a professor of mine told me. I'm paraphrasing and probably have the college names wrong, but here it is:

Nothing's better than a Harvard education.
A high school diploma's better than nothing.
Therefore, a high school diploma is better than a Harvard education.


I think he said it was on the bathroom of his Ivy league school, insulting another one.
...and I think something else was in place of "high school education", but I reckon this captures the spirit of the joke.

Yeah, our version definitely involved sex.

I think our professor used it because saying "sex" in front of the class meant everyone was suddenly paying attention. (Although he used it in the upper level classes too, and we were already paying attention.)

[Scarlet Knight]

One of my old favorites:

I went to my doctor for a checkup. I was put in one of those backless gowns and waited. In a few minutes the doctor came in.

"Hello Mr. Molfetta, let's begin the exam. Walk over to the window...very good. Now face me. Your doing fine. Now bend over, touch your toes and hold that position. Good, a little longer... fine, now straighten up and walk back here."

When the exam was completed I asked the doctor, "Doc, I gotta' ax you, did you have me walk to the window and bend over? If the light's better dere, why did you watch me from over here?"

"Oh, that," smiled the doctor, "I just hate my neighbor."

[AuthorGirl]

Spoiler: Baptist suicide/murder joke

Show

So, I was walking along a bridge, and I saw a young man about to jump off the side of it. I yelled at him, "Stop! Please don't jump."

"Why?" he asked. "No one loves me."

"God loves you," I said. "Do you believe in God?"

"Yes," he said.

"That's great!" I told him. "Are you Christian?"

"Yes."

"Me too! Protestant?"

"You bet."

"Me too! Baptist?"

"Yes."

"Same here! Northern Baptist?"

"That's right!" He was starting to cheer up at that point. "Are you a Northern Baptist or a Southern Baptist?"

"Northern," I said. "Are you Conservative or Liberal?"

"Conservative."

"Same! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

"Eastern Region."

"Awesome! Council of 1879, or Council of 1912?"

"Council of 1912," he told me.

So I said, "DIE, HERETIC!" and I pushed him over

[Bohandas]

At he hospital a man asks the doctor about his wife's condition. The doctor answers, "I'm afraid it's the big C.....It fell off the sign at Costco and hit your wife in the head"

[Bohandas]

Now somebody mentioned the Aristocrats joke a while back, and the way I like to tell it is after the traditional non-punchline the producer replies matter of factly that it's already been done on Jackass or Viva La Bam

[Bohandas]

Some other favorites of mine:

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician sit in a sidewalk cafe, looking at the building across the road. Two people go into the building, then three people come out.

The physicist claimed, "this must be a measuring error." The biologist replied, "no, this is proof of procreation." The mathematician looked at them and said "you're both wrong; if one more person goes into the building, it will be empty!"


A farmer asked three of his friends , anengineer, a physicist and a mathematician, to help with a problem. He wanted to build a fence around a flock of sheep, but he was short on cash, and wanted to use as little material as possible.

The physicist said to just build a fence with an infinite diameter and pull it together until it fits around the flock. The engineer told him to save material by forming the flock into a circular shape and construct a fence around it. The mathematian told the farmer to save even more time and money, and just build a fence around himself and define himself as being outside.


A physicist, engineer and a statistician went hunting one day. After a while, they saw a deer off in the distance. The physicist performed ballistic calculations, lifted his rifle to a specific angle, and shot. The bullet hit 5 yards to the right of the deer. The engineer accounted for wind, lifted his rifle slightly, and also shot. The bullet landed 5 yards to the left. Seeing both the misses, the statistician dropped his gun and yelled, "we got him!"

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island. A crate of canned food washes up on shore but they have no way to open it. The physicist and the chemist each devise an ingenious but complicated mechanisms for getting the can open and the economist says "Why don't we just assume we have a can opener!"

---

A farmer has a problem where his cows keep injuring themselves so he goes to a nearby university and offers a reward to anybody who can solve the problem. A few days later a physics professor comes to him to claim the prize saying "I have a solution, although it only works for spherical cows in a weightless environment"

[Elanasaurus]

At he hospital a man asks the doctor about his wife's condition. The doctor answers, "I'm afraid it's the big C.....It fell off the sign at Costco and hit your wife in the head"

I like this one.
Could you please not triplepost? One would do fine and be much neater.

[romanwas]

[Bohandas]

I don't get it. Could you please ruin the joke by explaining it for me?

The vendor was proven wrong but instead of admitting it draws attention to one of the other man's faults to direct attention away from himself (and the other guy IS crazy; if you don't think he is retell the joke with a tin hat instead of glass pants)

It's similar to another old saw

An American is talking to a man from an unstable third world nation
The American asks "How often are elections in your country?"
The foreign man replies "Oh yeah!? Well at least OUR government doesn't randomly kill black people"

[Bernardrichii]

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
-
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

[Bastian Weaver]

My favorite from Quest for Glory.

What style is Baba Yaga's handwriting?
She uses cursive!

[Peelee]

Come to think of it, actually, my favorite joke was Agent Carl Hanratty's in Catch Me If You Can. It was hilarious entirely due to the developed personalities and Hanratty's delivery, but that gets me every time. It's a small scene, but Hanks knocked it out of the park.

[Aliquid]

An elephant and a hippopotamus were taking a bath. The elephant said to the hippo, 'Please pass the soap.' The hippo replied, 'No soap, radio'.

[Delta]

I'm not sure I can do the best joke I've ever told (judging from the listeners reaction at the very least) justice in written form, I think the right performance makes up a lot of it but I'll try (many will probably know the joke in one version or another)

It's a rather long one...

Spoiler

Show

So St. Peter is sitting at the gates of heaven, checking everyone who has died and is coming up. One day, three guys arrive...

St. Peter goes: "Sorry guys, there's been some administrative mix-up in the system, I need to check the stories of how you died before I can let you in, standard procedure, you know?"

The first guy in line is just your average Joe, looking completely miserable, he comes forward, takes a deep breath and sighs.

"I work a miserable office job in New York City with horrible hours. My day was brutal, my boss was constantly shouting at me for things that weren't my fault, my coworkers were ribbing me and making jokes behind my back, I have a mortgage on my apartment and the payments are crushing me. Finally, my boss tells me to go home and not come in on Monday, so yeah, not exactly having the best day you know?

So when I get out, it's pouring outside, but when I get in my car, the wiper's broken, the only way I can get home is by putting my head outside the driver's window and drive like that, I and half of my cars interior got completely soaked.

I somehow manage to get home, I live in an apartment on the 21st floor and of course, the elevator just so happens to be out of order. So after walking up more than 20 flights of stairs, soaking wet, having no idea how to pay next month's rent, I finally arrive at my apartment to hear the sound of my wife moaning inside. I gotta admit, in that moment, something just snapped inside me, I kicked in the door, shouted something angry and stormed into the bedroom. My wife's there, naked as the day she was born and it was obvious she had been busy only moments before, but no sign of anyone else. I ran around, looking under the bed, in the closet, until I saw something on the balcony: Someone was hanging at the edge of the balcony, trying to hide there! I'm not proud of it, but I ran out and stepped on his fingers, but can you believe it, the guy hung on? Crazy as I was, I looked for the heaviest thing I could find and dropped a big potted plant on his hands when he finally let go and dropped!

I looked down and saw, 20 floors down, the guy actually landed in a trash container and he was still alive! I have no idea what came over me, my heart was pounding like crazy, so I ran into the kitchen, picked up my fridge and dropped it over the balcony, crushing the guy below. And I guess that's when I noticed my chest was hurting like crazy and I couldn't breathe, fell down and died of a heart attack."

St. Peter stares at the guy. "Oh wow... I mean... just wow... I guess we'll have to look at that in more detail, go in and report to the office on your right..."

He moves on to the next guy, a tall, fit guy with long hair who looks rather confused.

"Well, I'm a yoga instructor, I live in New York City, I was out on my balcony on the 22nd floor, it was pouring outside but I've done my exercises out there for over a decade, rain or shine, so I thought nothing of it. But during a complicated exercise, I did slip and go over the railing. I thought I was dead, but my reflexes saved my, I managed to grab onto the ledge of the balcony below mine. Of course, I was up there, everyone below had umbrellas or hoods on, no one was looking up or could hear me shout over the sound of the rain and cars, and everyone had their windows closed!

But as I said, I've been doing that for over a decade, I focused myself to be strong and hold on, maybe someone would find me! And behold, a few minutes later, I heard someone actually opening the balcony door! I thought I was saved, but suddenly that guy cursed at me and started stepping on my fingers, can you believe it? But I thought 'Not like this!' and determined to hold on, shouting for him to stop and help me, but he was crazy, he didn't listen! Finally he let off, but just when I thought I was finally safe something really heavy crushed my fingers and I fell...

...I had made my piece with the world when I felt the pain of the impact, but pain meant I was still alive! Amazing, I thought! And now I was on the ground, someone would surely hear me shout now... when suddenly all I saw was a dark shadow filling all of my vision and well... then I was here."

St. Peter stares at him in disbelief. "Oh my, that's one of the most heartbreaking stories I've heard in a while (I used to drop in a biblical reference here but I can't remember which off the top of my head :( ) please go right in, you're welcome in heaven!"

So he moves on to the third guy, a really big, black hunk of a guy wearing nothing but a bedsheet around his waist. "So what's your story, my son?" He asks.

The guy shrugs. "Well, you know, I was in New York, and I was sitting in a fridge..."

[Wraith]

The first one has won an award in Britain for being the "Most Funny Joke" by some arbitrary university study or other, I make no claims as to be able to 'prove' that but it's still pretty good:

Spoiler

Show

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

The second is one that I just happen to like:

Spoiler

Show

Keith was sitting his local bar drinking a beer when his friend Brian staggered in, ordered five beers, immediately gulped one down and sat down beside Keith.
"You look terrible!" said Keith. "What on Earth has happened!?"
"I have some bad news," Said Brian, downing his beer in one lighting a cigarette with a shaking hand. "Dave's died."
"Dave? Dead!? he was only 38, what happened!?!"
"It's a horrible story... He was lying in bed and he didn't know that the alarm had been set. It went off, scaring him half to death, and he sprang out of bed clutching his chest and having a heart attack!"
"Oh, no! Killed by a heart attack at such a young age!" Bemoaned Keither.
"No, that didn't kill him." Said Brian. "But he tripped on the bedsheets, fell into the ensuite and cracked his head on the sink! Clean through the porcelain, bits of ceramic studded all along his head!"
"Oh my God, what a way to die!"
"No, no, he survived that! But blinded by blood, he fell into the lightswitch, ripped the control from the wall and was electrocuted by it..."
"Holy cow, electrocuted to deat-"
"...And THEN he tumbled out of the bathroom, through the railing and smashed right through the stairs...."
"THROUGH the stairs!? No wonder he die-"
"...Then through the floor, into the kitchen and landed on the knife-block! Run him right though, it did!"
"Run through by a block of knives!?! Such a way to die!"
"Oh no, he survived that! He managed to roll off the counter, tripped over the cat and smashed straight through the glass window, cutting him to ribbons..."
"Hang on a minute!" Cried Keith, astounded. "You expect me to believe that he survived all of that? How exactly did he die?"
"I shot him." said Brian.
"Why the hell did you shoot him!?"
"It was my house he was wrecking!"

[Peelee]

The first one has won an award in Britain for being the "Most Funny Joke" by some arbitrary university study or other, I make no claims as to be able to 'prove' that but it's still pretty good:

Spoiler

Show

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

The second is one that I just happen to like:

Spoiler

Show

Keith was sitting his local bar drinking a beer when his friend Brian staggered in, ordered five beers, immediately gulped one down and sat down beside Keith.
"You look terrible!" said Keith. "What on Earth has happened!?"
"I have some bad news," Said Brian, downing his beer in one lighting a cigarette with a shaking hand. "Dave's died."
"Dave? Dead!? he was only 38, what happened!?!"
"It's a horrible story... He was lying in bed and he didn't know that the alarm had been set. It went off, scaring him half to death, and he sprang out of bed clutching his chest and having a heart attack!"
"Oh, no! Killed by a heart attack at such a young age!" Bemoaned Keither.
"No, that didn't kill him." Said Brian. "But he tripped on the bedsheets, fell into the ensuite and cracked his head on the sink! Clean through the porcelain, bits of ceramic studded all along his head!"
"Oh my God, what a way to die!"
"No, no, he survived that! But blinded by blood, he fell into the lightswitch, ripped the control from the wall and was electrocuted by it..."
"Holy cow, electrocuted to deat-"
"...And THEN he tumbled out of the bathroom, through the railing and smashed right through the stairs...."
"THROUGH the stairs!? No wonder he die-"
"...Then through the floor, into the kitchen and landed on the knife-block! Run him right though, it did!"
"Run through by a block of knives!?! Such a way to die!"
"Oh no, he survived that! He managed to roll off the counter, tripped over the cat and smashed straight through the glass window, cutting him to ribbons..."
"Hang on a minute!" Cried Keith, astounded. "You expect me to believe that he survived all of that? How exactly did he die?"
"I shot him." said Brian.
"Why the hell did you shoot him!?"
"It was my house he was wrecking!"

First one I've heard hundreds of times. Second one was new, and also delightful!

[Anonymouswizard]

Honestly the best jokes will always fall flat for others, because they're based on the time and people there when they're made. For example a friend of mine joked that he made a chart of the women I express interest in, and the tendency for them to be Chinese has a positive correlation with time (the joke was more complex than that, but the problem is I can't share it because it relies on years of context, any attempt to would fall flat).

[Wraith]

Nonsense - the best jokes are always horrible puns that make other people groan out loud. For example:

What is the sound of a rubber airplane crashing?
Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!

A bear walks into a bar. he says "I would like a beer and................ a packet of peanuts."
The bartender says "That's fine, but why the big pause?"
The bear says "I'm a bear, they've always been big."

A red lion walks into a pub and orders a drink.
The bartender brings it over and makes conversation. "You know, I used to work in another pub that was named after you?"
The red lion looks up and says "Who names a pub 'Kevin'?"

Those are some of my best/worst - I used to know more but I have forgotten a lot of them. I have this condition that affects my memory, usually in the form of making me refuse to acknowledge the existence of mid-1980's prog-rock bands. Sadly there is no Cure.

[Delta]

Nonsense - the best jokes are always horrible puns that make other people groan out loud.

Or horribly offensive in a way that makes people feel bad about laughing

(since I'm not sure about the forum rules regarding those topics, I've sanitized the following joke for political correctness. I'm sure most people can imagine the original version (or rather, one of them. human history is awful) rather easily)

Sauron and Voldemort are sitting in an inn talking about evil things when the barmaid comes over to stare at them in disbelief.

"You... you're the Lord of Mordor and He who shall not be named! What in the name of all that is holy are you doing here?"

Voldemort shrugs. "Oh, we're just talking about his plan to kill a couple thousand elves and one cute puppy."

The maid backs away. "What? Why the puppy?"

Voldemort grins and looks back at Sauron. "What did I tell you? No one cares about the elves!"

[Contable]

Not that much of a stand-upper but the story of my husband's job interview makes me smile after weeks.
He was asked where would he see himself in 5 years and he responded: I see myself in your chair, doing what you do but better, because you're going to teach me:)

[Razade]

Mother has five kids, dad's super proud of this fact. So proud that he calls his wife "Mother of five". As you'd imagine, the mom's not so keen on the nickname. One night they're leaving a party and to the mother's frustration her husband calls out "Are you ready to leave, Mother of Five?" Fed up and at her wits end the mother retorts back "Yes father of two."

[Delta]

Mother has five kids, dad's super proud of this fact. So proud that he calls his wife "Mother of five". As you'd imagine, the mom's not so keen on the nickname. One night they're leaving a party and to the mother's frustration her husband calls out "Are you ready to leave, Mother of Five?" Fed up and at her wits end the mother retorts back "Yes father of two."

This joke needs at least a 5 minute setup to work properly ;)

[Lvl 2 Expert]

Honestly the best jokes will always fall flat for others, because they're based on the time and people there when they're made.

How do you train a good archer? You start with his grandfather!

(A knee slapper, apparently, around the 16th century or so.)

[Wraith]

Wasn't that attributed to Sun Tzu or King Edward I or something? I'm not sure that it's meant to be a joke, it's actual advice about cultivating useful skills in a society

A Priest, a Vicar and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and say, "Five beers, please."

For his birthday, I surprised my brother with the gift of a real, 3-tonne elephant. He said to me, "Thanks for the elephant", and I said "Don't mention it".