Tell A Joke!

[Bastian Weaver]

What do you want me to tell it?

Don't tell it, show it!

[enderlord99]

Spoiler: Why do Swedish people put bar-codes on their ships?

Show

So they can Scandinavian.

[farothel]

Kids Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[ImperialTM]

Here's a bad science joke:
If you take the tin out of a Snapple what do you get?
An Apple!

[Wookieetank]

What's long, brown, and sticky?

Spoiler

Show

A stick!

2 Muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" The other one says, " AHHHHHH, its a talking muffin!".

[Bartmanhomer]

What do you called when a sting ray is down in the dumps?

The answer is Blue Ray.

[Peelee]

A chemist and a physicist went to lunch together. The chemist looked at the waitress and said, "I'll have a glass of H₂O." The physicist then said, "I'll have some H₂O too." The waitress brought two glasses of water. The chemist was upset that her assassination attempt had failed.

[Magic_Hat]

Why did the road cross the chicken?

Spoiler: punchline

Show

Because it was opposite day.

[Knaight]

A whirlwind, a haboob, and a tornado walk into a bar. They're blown away by the pressure.

[Tvtyrant]

A fruit truck just crash on the highway and created a big jam.

I was stripping an ear of corn but it got embarrased and said "aw shucks."

[Ravens_cry]

Why didn't the ghost cross the road?

Spoiler

Show

They were already on the Other Side

[Tvtyrant]

Why didn't the ghost cross the road?

Spoiler

Show

They were already on the Other Side

It thought we would exspectral a different answer.

[Ravens_cry]

It thought we would exspectral a different answer.

That pun was a shade stretched, but I admire it in spirit.

[Tvtyrant]

That pun was a shade stretched, but I admire it in spirit.

I find in retrospect that my joke was just ghastly, I'm haunted by how terrible it was.

[Lord Vukodlak]

OK here’s a pizza joke, ahh never mind it’s too cheesy

[Gluteus_Maximus]

A man walks up to a custom car dealership. He says, "I want a small, fast car. Like a little buggy. And I want a big letter 'S' on the side of it."

With a raised eyebrow, the dealer says, "why is that?"

Spoiler: punchline

Show

"because I want to drive by people and have them say 'hey, look at that little S car go!'"

[Tvtyrant]

A man walks up to a custom car dealership. He says, "I want a small, fast car. Like a little buggy. And I want a big letter 'S' on the side of it."

With a raised eyebrow, the dealer says, "why is that?"

Spoiler: punchline

Show

"because I want to drive by people and have them say 'hey, look at that little S car go!'"

Would it be a slug bug?

[John Mason]

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

You can Roast Beef but you can't Pee Soup.

[Ravens_cry]

I tried to eat a dictionary, but someone stopped me and even removed the half eaten pages. They took the words right out of my mouth.

[Tvtyrant]

I got some killer pronunciation advice yesterday. It is thesaurus, not the saurus. Thetrex is behind you!

[Peelee]

I was just reminded of biology class way back when; Catholic high school was run by Benedictines, and the teacher eventually had to talk about the four Fs - Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding, and Mating.

[Bartmanhomer]

I was just reminded of biology class way back when; Catholic high school was run by Benedictines, and the teacher eventually had to talk about the four Fs - Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding, and Mating.

That's three Fs.

[Razade]

That's three Fs.

Yep. You got it.

[Keltest]

That's three Fs.

Imagine a certain less than appropriate word for sex that starts with the letter F.

[Razade]

Imagine a certain less than appropriate word for sex that starts with the letter F.

You know what they say about explaining the joke and how it's like dissecting a frog? You get the joke but the frog is dead.

[Scarlet Knight]

Just heard this one last night:

What did the turkey dress up as on halloween?

A gobblin'!

[farothel]

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline She hoped she would not have to use it because .. Her friend was, well, blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving
Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'


Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'


'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'


Sally fainted............................

[Peelee]

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

Haven't seen that since the 90s or so, but wasnt the milestone $32,000?

[kennygill]

funny

[Tvtyrant]

The road to hell is the route of all evil.