Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XII: A Thousand-Yard Stare is not Permission

[JAL_1138]

*May not point out that a trip to a Bass Pro or Cabela’s could have solved, like, 90% of the problems another party had in a monster-hunting scenario.

[Quizatzhaderac]

Made up events (as opposed to real pretend events)

*I may not base my barbarian around Thurston Howell III
**Thurston Howell Jr. and Sr. are not sufficiently different character concepts.
**When the DM said I could base my character around theprofessorandmaryann, she meant either, or perhaps as a character and a cohort, not as one gestalt.
*While a LBQT+ character is fine; the + does not include pyrophilia.
*I am not allowed to convince enemies to have a dance battle instead of an actual battle.
**The DM doesn't care about any historical precedent I can cite.
**If we lose, we can't abandon the main quest, even if I'm lawful, and even if I gave my word.
*My bard is not required to trash the room at the inn.
*My bard is not immune to explosions just because he's looking the other way.
*My bard may not start every personal story with "This one time, at bard camp?"
*My character may not speak in only "Groot".
*My Drowtales character can't have a human as an animal companion.
*My dwarf does not have a tunneling speed of half his walking speed.
*I do not need a special feat to put an item down without picking another up.
*While the city of Baltimore has character, it is not an appropriate character concept.
*The material component of the fireball spell is not 2 oz of cinnamon whiskey.
*I must pick my alignment from one of the nine standard options; I cannot be a non-utilitarian, virtuist, dentologist, anarchist.
*In some situations it's appropriate to kill a goblin on sight; this does not apply to PCs.
**This is especially inappropriate if it's not the first meeting.
*While it may be appropriate for my chaotic evil character to kill someone to take their possessions, I must first consider saying "please pass the salt.".
*Engaging the services of professional mediator automatically qualifies as "rules lawyering", professional title not withstanding.
*Druid circle meetings are not clothing optional.
*I am not allowed to posses any chemical that ignites water or sand.
**I am not allowed to trick the DM into banning hydrogen-hydroxide.
*My character with multiple personalities doesn't get two shares of XP.
*My character's alignment can't change every time I prepare spells.
*Yes, Superman is weak against pieces of the planet he his from. No, my human superhero can't be weak against pieces of the Earth.
*I may not base my character on anyone from Homestar Runner.
*A half orc is not to an orc what a halfling is to a human.
**A half orc is not human from the waist up, orc from the waist down.
**A half orc does not have one human head, one orc head.
*I am not to ask mermaids if they have human or fish genitals.
**No spot check, search check, or divination will resolve this.

As DM
*Most objects must be non-mimics
**The vast majority of floor tiles, ceilings, and walls can't be mimics.
**I'm not allowed to have a bunch of regular rooms, and than one room where the floor is just 100 mimics over a bottomless pit.
*If I do a Discworld setting, I must explicitly inform the players; I cannot pass it off as "generic fantasy".
*I must allow detect traps to find, not only intentionally built traps, but shoddy construction and industrial hazards.
*If I'm doing a barter economy, I must get player buy-in before hand.
**I should give the players some indication if the gold and silver they are gathering is worthless rather than waiting till they get to town and letting them discover they need to pay for the inn in rabbits skins.
**In a cyber-punk setting, it's theme breaking for the hotel to require payment in rabbit skins.
**I should put some mechanism to acquire rabbit skins into that game.

[Telok]

When DMing...
When a character insults the ork cyber-monk Elvis impersonater...
When said ork picks up the guy in heavy power armor and throws him at the insulting character...
When the thrown space marine hits him in the head for half his wounds...

I may not play the boot-to-the-head song and do a victory dance.

Someday I'm pretty sure I won't be allowed to say "The cyber-ninja T-rex full-autos the missile pods it's dual weilding.", but it won't be until the PCs go back and annoy the Cocaine Wizard Guild again.

[Duff]

*A half orc is not to an orc what a halfling is to a human.
**A half orc is not human from the waist up, orc from the waist down.
**A half orc does not have one human head, one orc head.

Miniature merfolk may not be half Ling

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_ling

[Lvl 2 Expert]

* The birds in my setting cannot all be great tits, brown boobies and bounty island shags.
** Yeah, but anyone could have added those Wikipedia pages.

[Mandark]

*May not randomly cast enlarge person on the gnome bard trying to get into the pants of a only body paint wearing druid/side spirit bear attendant
** Especially it you only cast it because the bard is a pc.
***That I haven't met yet in-game.
****Shrugging of his return spell will only make his revenge more creative
*****The fact that the bard woke up the next morning sore from a "fun"night with a strong bear-totem barbarian woman does not make it any better.

[Anonymouswizard]

*May not randomly cast enlarge person on the gnome bard trying to get into the pants of a only body paint wearing druid/side spirit bear attendant

** May not ask how the bard is going to wear said pants if they don't exist.
*** Must stop intentionally missing the point.

[Katrina]

"The cyber-ninja T-rex full-autos the missile pods it's dual weilding."

I can't get Ninja in there, but this sounds like just another caper for Cyberious Rex from the canon Mutants and Masterminds setting.

Also, glad everyone enjoyed Time Slapper.

From my new Changeling: The Lost game:
* The Storyteller is not comforted that i "can only roll once a day" when my Persuasion pool exceeds 12 dice.
* "I didn't combine this with Sympathetic" should not be a defense.
* "I'll make a viral video to frame this as a prank" should not be the first idea when trying to cover up the Werewolf's ill planned exorcism.
* Even with five successes, it won't really keep the cops from figuring it out. The Storyteller is obviously throwing the Werewolf a bone. I should not point it out ir make that joke again.

[Lord Raziere]

* I may not summon a Root Bear
** May not reshape a wood elemental into a bear form
*** May not transform myself into a Root Bear
**** Root beer doesn't even exist yet! No one would even get pun in this setting!
***** May not summon an army of Root Bears

[dspeyer]

*While a LBQT+ character is fine; the + does not include pyrophilia.

** Just because Half Fire Elemental is an inherited template that can be applied to any corporeal creature with an Int of at least 4 is no reason to conceive one in-game
*** Neither is any other inherited template

[NNescio]

* I may not summon a Root Bear
** May not reshape a wood elemental into a bear form
*** May not transform myself into a Root Bear
**** Root beer doesn't even exist yet! No one would even get pun in this setting!
***** May not summon an army of Root Bears

What if you take the Greenbound Summoning feat?

[Quizatzhaderac]

*I may not play a warforged bard with performance (techno)
*I may not player a summoner with no magic but high ranks in gather information and law
*When I have the only male character, I may not introduce the party as "My harem"
**Nor when I have the only female character
*I may not combine the spells permanency and time stop
*I may not cast darkness on the sun.
*If I realize the food is made out of people, I will inform the rest of the party before they eat.
* may not craft a hammer with a timestop effect... and a verbal trigger.

As DM
*I may not have the lawful payers face charges of Gnostical turpitude.
*If I crucify the giant mecha, the pilots will just exit and ignore the symbolism.
*I may not make enemy NPCs turn out to be the PC's alter egos
*I may not use more region references than words.

* As DM, may not make it so that one of the party members is the last of their race.
** This goes double when there are two members of the party of said race.
*** ESPECIALLY if they are male and female

****If they are same sex, I cannot do this and have every second encounter drop a belt of gender change.

[Segev]

****If they are same sex, I cannot do this and have every second encounter drop a belt of gender change.

*****It serves you right if both finally give in...and use a belt each.

[NNescio]

As DM
*I may not have the lawful payers face charges of Gnostical turpitude.
*If I crucify the giant mecha, the pilots will just exit and ignore the symbolism.
*I may not make enemy NPCs turn out to be the PC's alter egos
*I may not use more region references than words.

**As player I may not, in response to this, roll an Aasimar Sorcerer with metamagic cheese and call my souped-up Arcane Thesis'd Orb of Fire the "Cruel Angel's Thesis".

[Quizatzhaderac]

*My gunslinger with weapon proficiency (sling) is vetoed.
*perform (feet) will not let me perform any feats.
*Any spell that consumes "the material plane" as a reagent is vetoed.
*Containing large numbers of tables and charts does not make PMBoK is not a splatbook.
**We can tell you glued a half-naked picture of an elf over the cover.
***Half elves are allowed to be more than half dressed.
*I cannot use diplomacy on the gods to qualify for a different alignment.

**As player I may not, in response to this, roll an Aasimar Sorcerer with metamagic cheese and call my souped-up Arcane Thesis'd Orb of Fire the "Cruel Angel's Thesis".

Sorry, the answer we were looking for was Xenogears. Xenogears.

[JAL_1138]

*No matter how high my skill bonus is, Groucho glasses are not an effective disguise.

[Anonymouswizard]

*No matter how high my skill bonus is, Groucho glasses are not an effective disguise.

** Despite real world precedent taking off my glasses does not give a +5 bonus to disguise rolls.

* Despite real world precedent I do not have to roll Search to find my glasses if I'm wearing my glasses.
** This applies to anything on my body.

[danielxcutter]

In 3.5e at least, glasses probably aren't enough to use Disguise anyways... I think. Probably the same for 5e - actually, can someone clarify? I wonder if someone with an epic bonus or whatever can get around that...

[Spore]

*I cannot take transmutation spells to "enhance" certain body parts.
** Enlarge/Reduce is NOT used like that.
*** You can't inspire your date to "do better"
**** Prestidigitation is NOT birth control.

[Telok]

I may not combine the hideous Xmas sweater vest, Hawiian shirt, pink twinkle light glasses, and tight leather kilt in order to demonstrate that making people's eyes bleed is a valid form of disguise.

I may not attempt anything involving the words "kilt", "regimental", and "flamethrower".

[Katrina]

* If my Changeling's Breaking Point is eating people because she was the mermaid who had to lure sailors to her Keeper's island for his feasts; I should not end up rolling Clarity every session. Unless my GM runs like its a Slasher flick.
* The Gm was annoyed that the one Session he took pains to make me not see a disfigured, eaten corpse, i had to roll due to the Fairest curse. Note, someone was still eaten this session, i just didn't witness it.

[danielxcutter]

* If my Changeling's Breaking Point is eating people because she was the mermaid who had to lure sailors to her Keeper's island for his feasts; I should not end up rolling Clarity every session. Unless my GM runs like its a Slasher flick.
* The Gm was annoyed that the one Session he took pains to make me not see a disfigured, eaten corpse, i had to roll due to the Fairest curse. Note, someone was still eaten this session, i just didn't witness it.

What game is this? Changeling the Lost?

[Katrina]

What game is this? Changeling the Lost?

Yeah. It was the Beta rules for 2nd, cause my gm didn't like second

[JAL_1138]

*May not constantly push back the start date of the campaign because I acquired four feral kittens that needed to be tamed, and that my adult cat doesn’t get along with.
**Especially can’t delay the start date for several months.
***At some point I need to start the game or cancel it.
****Five cats is a lot of cats.

[Anonymouswizard]

****Five cats is a lot of cats.

It is?

[JAL_1138]

It is?

When you’ve been used to only having one cat for years, and suddenly also get four hyperactive feral kittens that need tamed, it’s a lot of cats. I’ve got three of them friendly now and I’m working on the fourth. Mind you, I’m not looking to adopt any of them out or anything; I like the crazy little gremlins and I’m gonna keep them around. But they’re a handful.

[Telok]

* I may not train house cats to attack small children. Even if it is a level appropriate encounter by the CR rules the kid will not level up and spontaneously become potty trained.

[Anonymouswizard]

When you’ve been used to only having one cat for years, and suddenly also get four hyperactive feral kittens that need tamed, it’s a lot of cats. I’ve got three of them friendly now and I’m working on the fourth. Mind you, I’m not looking to adopt any of them out or anything; I like the crazy little gremlins and I’m gonna keep them around. But they’re a handful.

I mean, training four kittens at once might be a tad overboard, but five cats still sounds like a small number of cats to me.

And now I want a cat, wish I lived somewhere that would let me.

[JAL_1138]

* I may not train house cats to attack small children. Even if it is a level appropriate encounter by the CR rules the kid will not level up and spontaneously become potty trained.

Depending on the system and edition, housecats can do enough damage to one-round kill a first-level wizard or a commoner. The kid isn’t all that likely to survive, much less level up!

[Anonymouswizard]

Depending on the system and edition, housecats can do enough damage to one-round kill a first-level wizard or a commoner. The kid isn’t all that likely to survive, much less level up!

What if we train the cats to use the nonlethal damage rules? Then the children might survive an extra encounter or two.