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  1. - Top - End - #811
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DruidGirl

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Gallifrey (Or Hyrule)
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Oh, dear...you seem to have swallowed a silver dollar. What a shame that I don't know the Heimlich maneuver.

    I wish for somebody to save Korith from choking.
    Love is the ultimate trip. --Micky Dolenz

    Rest in Peace, Peter Tork
    February 13, 1942-February 21, 2019
    Men are Mortal
    Music lives Forever

  2. - Top - End - #812
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    The Primus Imperium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Well he's not choking anymore, but his jugular is squirting blood like a fire hose...

    I roll to close the wound!
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Everything is going according to plan. And by that I mean the plan has changed like 3 times in the last year but now I have it written down and the new plan is going well!.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo

    Extended Sig

    Brother of Battle by Emperor Ing

  3. - Top - End - #813
    Orc in the Playground
    Join Date
    Aug 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    I roll to close the wound!
    You cause the wound to hemorrhage, and they die.

    I roll to cause the apocalypse.

  4. - Top - End - #814
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Dire Moose's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Arizona
    Gender
    Intersex

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    All you manage to do is drop a large rock on your foot.

    I roll to dodge bullets.
    LGBTitp
    Genderfluid AMAB, hence the gender symbol. I switch as it suits me.

  5. - Top - End - #815
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Devil

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Over there!
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    All 24 rounds key-hole into the same entry wound.

    I roll to do First Aid on Dire Moose.
    It is a contraction of Evil DM Mark 3. I don't know why why so many have difficulty with a standard contraction but there we are.
    GNU Terry Pratchett
    Please stand for the Ankh-Morpork National Anthem.

  6. - Top - End - #816
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

    Join Date
    Feb 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You thought you were cauterizing Dire Moose's wounds, but you used too much fire.

    I roll to put out a large bonfire.

  7. - Top - End - #817
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Imp

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Ubiquitous
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    The bonfire is out....of control. There goes the neighborhood. Literally.

    I roll to guess the password for the nuclear launch codes.
    EXPLOSIVE RUNES
    EXPLOSIVE RUNES
    EXPLODED RUNES
    PICTURE OF A CAT
    EXPLOSIVE RUNES

  8. - Top - End - #818
    Orc in the Playground
    Join Date
    Aug 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    I roll to guess the password for the nuclear launch codes.
    Do you like Archer references? Because it's not "guest".

    I roll to get superpowers.

  9. - Top - End - #819
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Dire Moose's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Arizona
    Gender
    Intersex

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Turns out jumping into a particle accelerator to soak up the radiation doesn’t give you superpowers. It just gives you death.

    I roll to find Bigfoot.
    LGBTitp
    Genderfluid AMAB, hence the gender symbol. I switch as it suits me.

  10. - Top - End - #820
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Devil

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Over there!
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You become fascinated by the fact that one of your feet is slightly larger than the other.

    I roll for my character's ability to roll dice. (very rules heavy game, don't ask).
    It is a contraction of Evil DM Mark 3. I don't know why why so many have difficulty with a standard contraction but there we are.
    GNU Terry Pratchett
    Please stand for the Ankh-Morpork National Anthem.

  11. - Top - End - #821
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DruidGirl

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Gallifrey (Or Hyrule)
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Pretty sure shoving the dice in your mouth and chewing them to bits doesn't qualify as "rolling" them. (Pretty sure it'll be rotten for your teeth, too...)

    I roll to learn a new language.
    Love is the ultimate trip. --Micky Dolenz

    Rest in Peace, Peter Tork
    February 13, 1942-February 21, 2019
    Men are Mortal
    Music lives Forever

  12. - Top - End - #822
    Orc in the Playground
    Join Date
    Aug 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by CyberiadQueen View Post
    I roll to learn a new language.
    You learn nothing new and even forget English.

    I roll to arrange a fancy dinner party for my uptight boss where there will be no hi-jinx.

  13. - Top - End - #823
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

    Join Date
    Feb 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You sent invitations to all of your friends. All of whom are professional clowns.

    I roll to serve the dinner.

  14. - Top - End - #824
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Dire Moose's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Arizona
    Gender
    Intersex

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You smack the dinner across the room with a tennis racket. It hits the boss right in the face.

    I roll to convince the boss not to fire Magic_Hat over this.
    Last edited by Dire Moose; 2019-07-05 at 12:20 PM.
    LGBTitp
    Genderfluid AMAB, hence the gender symbol. I switch as it suits me.

  15. - Top - End - #825
    Orc in the Playground
    Join Date
    Aug 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by Dire Moose View Post
    I roll to convince the boss not to fire Magic_Hat over this.
    After a conversation with my boss, he fires me and then literally contacts every employer on the planet to make sure I'm never hired by anyone ever again. On the plus side I am glad someone remembered the underscore in my screen name.

    I roll to convince my former boss to reemploy me. Problem is he's not in the office today as he's attending a family reunion so I'll have to crash it. But I'm sure I won't cause any hi-jinx among him and all his relatives including his uptight and snobbish grandparents.

  16. - Top - End - #826
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DruidGirl

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Gallifrey (Or Hyrule)
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    None of your former boss' family members are speaking to each other anymore, as a vicious conflict broke out when you proceeded to humiliate them all at the reunion. Your intentions, while noble, were unfortunately misinterpreted, leading to multiple divorces, disownerships, and inheritance disputes. Your boss will never be able to show his face among his tattered family again.

    Oh, and you're still fired. But that probably went without saying.

    I roll to altruistically patch up this family tragedy and restore Magic_Hat's good name (including the underscore).
    Last edited by CyberiadQueen; 2019-07-07 at 12:53 AM.
    Love is the ultimate trip. --Micky Dolenz

    Rest in Peace, Peter Tork
    February 13, 1942-February 21, 2019
    Men are Mortal
    Music lives Forever

  17. - Top - End - #827
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

    Join Date
    Feb 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You accidentally stab several of the (former) boss's relatives with the underscore from Magic Hat's once-great name. The underscore is confiscated, and placed in an evidence lockup, never to be returned. You go to jail.

    I roll to steal the underscore.

  18. - Top - End - #828
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Silent_Interim's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Location
    Somewhere South of Hell

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You utterly fail to steal the underscore from Magic__________Hat.

    I roll to duck and cover.
    I go by them/they/their pronouns, but I'm comfortable with he/him/his or she/her/hers.

    Spoiler: STUFFS
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Silent_Interim View Post
    Yes... continue ignoring me... exactly as planned
    Quote Originally Posted by Xihirli View Post
    'Kay! Ignoring a ninja never hurt anyone.



    Being terrible at being a wolf since always.

  19. - Top - End - #829
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

    Join Date
    Feb 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You cover a duck. The duck walks away indignantly.

    I roll to climb up a wizard's tower.

  20. - Top - End - #830
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DruidGirl

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Gallifrey (Or Hyrule)
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    "Hey, what's this pile of bones doing chained up in the dungeon beneath the wizard's tower?"

    "Search me. Some poor nitwit must've pissed the wizard off. Better them than us, right?"

    I roll to save everybody from their poor rolls.
    Love is the ultimate trip. --Micky Dolenz

    Rest in Peace, Peter Tork
    February 13, 1942-February 21, 2019
    Men are Mortal
    Music lives Forever

  21. - Top - End - #831
    Orc in the Playground
    Join Date
    Aug 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by CyberiadQueen View Post
    I roll to save everybody from their poor rolls.
    You do a bunch of scientific experiments to find a solution, but you accidentally create a virus you accidentally set loose that makes people's butts fall off.

    I roll to create a vaccine to prevent more people's butts from falling off. (Then maybe my snobbish boss with rehire me after interrupting his family reunion.)

  22. - Top - End - #832
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Devil

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Over there!
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic_Hat View Post
    I roll to create a vaccine to prevent more people's butts from falling off. (Then maybe my snobbish boss with rehire me after interrupting his family reunion.)
    You manage to medically disprove butts. People are very upset. Stabby style upset.

    I roll to stop people stabbing Magic hat.
    It is a contraction of Evil DM Mark 3. I don't know why why so many have difficulty with a standard contraction but there we are.
    GNU Terry Pratchett
    Please stand for the Ankh-Morpork National Anthem.

  23. - Top - End - #833
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DruidGirl

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Gallifrey (Or Hyrule)
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Oh, the stabbing stops, alright...after Magic_Hat has been reduced to shreds.

    I roll to sew poor Magic_Hat back together again.
    Love is the ultimate trip. --Micky Dolenz

    Rest in Peace, Peter Tork
    February 13, 1942-February 21, 2019
    Men are Mortal
    Music lives Forever

  24. - Top - End - #834
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    The Primus Imperium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    The abomination you've stitched together starts begging you to kill it.

    I roll to kill the creature with a shotgun.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Everything is going according to plan. And by that I mean the plan has changed like 3 times in the last year but now I have it written down and the new plan is going well!.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo

    Extended Sig

    Brother of Battle by Emperor Ing

  25. - Top - End - #835
    Orc in the Playground
    Join Date
    Aug 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    I roll to kill the creature with a shotgun.
    You mistake shotgun for whip cream. The whip cream only makes the creature more unstoppable!

    Quote Originally Posted by EvilDMMk3 View Post
    I roll to stop people stabbing Magic hat.
    What is this blasphemy?! Not only did you forget the underscore you made the "H" in "Hat" lowercase?!

    I roll to feed EvilDMMk3 to the creature for their high crimes!

  26. - Top - End - #836
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DruidGirl

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Gallifrey (Or Hyrule)
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    The creature thinks you're delicious.

    I roll not to be the creature's dessert.
    Love is the ultimate trip. --Micky Dolenz

    Rest in Peace, Peter Tork
    February 13, 1942-February 21, 2019
    Men are Mortal
    Music lives Forever

  27. - Top - End - #837
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Dire Moose's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Arizona
    Gender
    Intersex

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Mmmm, CyberiadQueen a la mode...

    I roll to slay the creature with my mighty war axe!
    LGBTitp
    Genderfluid AMAB, hence the gender symbol. I switch as it suits me.

  28. - Top - End - #838
    Orc in the Playground
    Join Date
    Aug 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    Quote Originally Posted by Dire Moose View Post
    I roll to slay the creature with my mighty war axe!
    You somehow confuse "war axe" with "Warhol." You slay the beast with a picture of Campbell's soup. The beast is dead, but you owe an art museum a lot of money for destroying the priceless masterpiece.

    I roll to represent Dire Moose in court to make sure they don't have to pay the art museum any money.
    Last edited by Magic_Hat; 2019-07-10 at 11:28 PM.

  29. - Top - End - #839
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Devil

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Over there!
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You accidentally prove that there is an exception to the 13 amendment that applies in this case. The museum now own your client.

    I roll to laugh maniacally at the chaos my last spelling hath wrought.
    It is a contraction of Evil DM Mark 3. I don't know why why so many have difficulty with a standard contraction but there we are.
    GNU Terry Pratchett
    Please stand for the Ankh-Morpork National Anthem.

  30. - Top - End - #840
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

    Join Date
    Feb 2018

    Default Re: The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

    You attempt to laugh, but instead you choke.

    I roll for the heimlich maneuver.

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