The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
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  1. - Top - End - #211
    Orc in the Playground
     
    DruidGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    From a Hc Svnt Dracones (cyberpunk furries) game
    Spoiler: Characters
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    Blitzkrieg (me), female lateral black jaguar, a notable gladiator style fighter who was kicked out on the street by her sponsor while they claim she is on vacation. The rest of the party was hired by a mysterious benefactor to get her back on her feet.
    Buckeye, male deer, a bored rich kid with a talent for engineering. Knew Blitzkrieg before being hired because he work on gladiator arena hazards.
    G.I.T.S., male micro bat, hacking and infiltration specialist,
    has narcolepsy because his player has a less reliable schedule than the rest of us.
    Acko, female otter, sniper/spotter, partner of GITS, mostly in it for the money, has an obsession with bubblewrap.


    Blitzkrieg: I'd give you a hand, but it appears you already have it.
    Buckeye: You might say that. *pulls out an arm that was jamming a sawblade*

    Blitzkrieg: Ok, Buckshot here is my engineering crew, what are you, my medical team?
    GITS and Acko: *Silence*
    Blitzkrieg: PR team?
    GITS and Acko: *silence*
    Blitzkrieg: *sigh* This going to go well. Well, what is your job then?
    Acko: We're infiltration specialists.
    Blitzkrieg: *looks between the 4 foot tall otter and half foot tall bat* Apparently this is my security detail.

    Blitzkrieg: So with Bucky running stuff and Tiny being too small, that makes you my sparring partner.
    Acko: Uh, I guess- *gets pounced*

    GM: After knocking out the robot that just mauled Buckeye half to death, you realize that fighting like this was Blitzkrieg's day job.
    Blitzkrieg: *smirk* Yep, so don't try to take it from me.
    Buckeye: *groan* You can have it.

    Blitzkrieg: So are you two twins or what?
    Identical Scientist 1: *slips a card in her pocket* Call this number if you figure it out.
    Identical Scientist 2: *slips a second card in a different pocket* And call this if you don't.
    Blitzkrieg: I'm ok with this.
    Buckeye: Come on dude, there is two of them, share!

    *after a hectic fight scene, the a mad drive with a ticking timebomb in the back of a truck*
    Blitzkrieg: Hey Bucky, you still bored?
    Buckeye: *wearily flips bird*

    Blitzkrieg: So, how did you two meet?
    GM: *cue mini adventure that is a series of failures that end up explaining Acko's bubblewrap addiction*
    Blitzkrieg: This is what was hired for me?

    Acko: *misses half a dozen shots with a grappling hook*
    Blitzkrieg: Our sniper, everyone.
    Acko: Shut up.
    Blitzkrieg: Just saying, you're worth every penny I spent.

    Blitzkrieg: *looks between the half dead Buckeye and mostly dead Acko* Despite what it seems, we're hiring you to be my medic.

    I'm having fun channeling my inner Roy.

  2. - Top - End - #212
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    me (ooc): serve me a glass that requires a fortitude save!
    dm: uh....
    free: make that two!
    dm: guys, we're not even playing tonight!
    peanut gallery: found the geeks and party animals!
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  3. - Top - End - #213
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TheYell's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    GM: You know the Pathfinders collect and preserve rare artifacts from around the planet in security.
    BAMBI: So they're like fighting and shouting "It belongs in a museum!"


    TAMIEN: May we see the method by which you will preserve the sword while we consider the matter? Just so we know its safe?
    GM: "You understand that we have many dangerous items and for the security of our facility I prefer not to disclose any of our methods of disposal of those dangerous items. I'm sorry."
    BAMBI: They're probably playing with them in their underwear.
    TAMIEN: Lightsaber boy nyarmnyarmnyarm.


    ICARUS: I show her the box it came in.
    MARA: I left that in the vault.
    ICARUS: I took it anyway!
    MARA: Why?
    TAMIEN: It's worth more in the original packaging.


    GM: He leads you up a flight of stairs--
    ICARUS: I seriously want to stab this guy.
    BAMBI: You could stab him in the butt!
    GM: I'm reading! And if you miss details you'll be sorry!


    ICARUS: I complain to the manager.
    MORAVI: [OOC] Please don't, I deal with that all week.
    ICARUS: Well deal with it here! I am appalled! I was given a boobytrapped box and that's the fourth time this week!
    GM: "But...you just checked in sir"
    ICARUS: I didn't say here!


    TAMIEN: I spark a cigar.
    ICARUS: Light mine!
    BAMBI: Aren't you too young to smoke tobacco?
    ICARUS: I'm a 52 year old dragon.
    BAMBI: Ah, gotta be 18 for tobacco. But are you smoking in front of your guardian?
    GM: Ordrani says "I shall inform your father"


    GM: And what do you do?
    BAMBI: I'm ducking people I know in Magnimar. I go back to the hotel.
    GM: Oh. Alone?
    BAMBI: Sure, why not?
    GM: Well, I just had planned you all be back there together.
    TAMIEN: Roll up a new character.
    GM: That isn't a bad idea.
    BAMBI:...
    Empyreal Lord of the Elysian Realm of Well-Intentioned Fail

  4. - Top - End - #214
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    “Cootchie-cootchie-coo!” *tickles the flaming skull*
    “Nooooo! Humor, my only weakn—“ *explodes*

    “Ketchup is the devil’s barbecue sauce!!!”

  5. - Top - End - #215
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BlueWizardGirl

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Party loot: x1 small child.

    Player who couldn't make it to the session: "...what?"

  6. - Top - End - #216
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lord Raziere's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Ancient robot: "WARNING! NEW PRIMORDIAL FORCE DETECTED: CANDY CANE FIRE."
    My Fan Fiction:
    To Catch A Mew
    A Kalos based pokemon fan fic. Now up to Chapter 24!



  7. - Top - End - #217
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Nova: "Grab everything you can! Stuff my pants if you have to!"

    June: "Segway chase scene!"
    NH: "Laaaaammmmeeee!"

    Dan: "Roombas are not meant to go twenty miles an hour!"
    MoP: "It's like riding the world's tiniest rollercoaster."

    Nova: "And we make a clean getaway!"
    Marv: "At least until something stupid happens."
    Nova: "Dammit! Now you jinxed it!"
    Ambient voice: "Ohohohohohoho!"
    Nova: "DAMMIT"

    June: "I can't be seen like this!"
    NH: "Why?"
    June: "I'm naked!"
    NH: "So what? I'm naked all the time."

    Anastasia: "Is that everything?"
    Marv: "Pretty much."
    Nova: "Yeah, you got it all."
    Anastasia: "I don't believe you. Victor! Make sure they aren't hiding anything else. Be through!"
    *Ominous rubber snapping sound*

    Dan: "You look ridiculous."
    June: "They were the only clothes I could find! Give me a break!"
    NH: "I still don't see why this is such a big deal."
    June: "Night, for the sake of argument, how would you feel if someone shaved off all the hair on your body?"
    NH: "... I see your point."

    Nova: "We just got strip searched by the Hulk with a catcher's mitt!"

    Anastasia: "Just submit already! Join my army, and be a part of something greater!"
    Nova: "You've got nothing we want!"
    Anastasia: "We have cookies."
    Nova: "Ngh..."
    Anastasia: "A full health plan including dental."
    Dan: "Urgh..."
    Anastasia: "Access to fully stocked laboratories and research stations."
    June: "Ahh..."
    Anastasia: "Access to portal technology."
    NH: "..."
    Anastasia: "And for a limited time new hires get a free loli."
    *beat*
    Marv: "...why are you all looking at me?"

    NH: "Fresh air? A clear sky? Green fields? We're in Equestrian! Finally, normality!"
    Dan: "Is that pink cloud raining chocolate milk?"
    NH: "Normality!"
    Last edited by ZeroGear; 2019-09-23 at 04:06 AM.
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

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    Races of Wake

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    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  8. - Top - End - #218
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Telok's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    DM: <stuff>, plus there's a small group of about twenty assorted Elven Imperial Navy ships in-system. Mostly a mix of transports and cruisers, but there's one Armada class carrier.
    P1: Crap! What are they doing here?
    DM: Buying the combined output of every arms and mil-tech manufacturer in the star system for the next two months.
    P1: Wha?
    P2: Preparing for the war.
    P1: What war?
    P3: The one we started.
    P1: Bwuh?
    P4: That's why I had the ship repainted.
    P1: What can we do?
    P3: Not look like a Gehenna Ordinator ship that mostly blew up a EIN base.
    P4: Hence the paint job.
    Last edited by Telok; 2019-09-23 at 10:27 PM.

  9. - Top - End - #219
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TheYell's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    (As the party members return one at a time to the hotel, a ninja assassinates them in their sleep. The fourth member notices him)
    MORAVI: This is like the worst day!
    BAMBI: [OOC] I can name 3 people who are having a worse time than you.


    BAMBI: From the way you described it last week, 'I die from going to the hotel room alone', I thought it was a bomb.
    DM: OOOOOOOOOH Good one!
    BAMBI: "Nah nah this clock is all wrong, it's midnight now, lemme just move the hands on this thing--"


    BAMBI: So I'm in Hell, and Tamien pops up, and I'm like, "Coup de grace in your sleep, right?"


    DM: Dead people: do you want to play a guard?
    BAMBI: Why, so you can kill us again this session?
    DM: I have red-shirt miniatures!


    BAMBI: (reading guard stats) Says I give a +2 to perception checks in the city by sharing tricks, tips, and local customs. (Boston cop accent) Dey come in da windaw, sometimes, an kill errybody. Dats one ting ya gotta watch out for.


    TAMIEN:[OOC] I'm sorry, I only packed one javelin. I couldn't have thrown a second.
    BAMBI: You're that crazy cop who packs extra heat.
    TAMIEN: I only do it cause my partner died from not having a backup!


    TAMIEN: I married a girl I met on the beat...she was a Scarzani refugee, down in the poor district...we'd sit up nights after my patrol...[continues literally five minutes improvising a backstory for his NPC]
    ICARUS: [throws a pointy D4, hard]


    ICARUS: Who are you?
    BAMBI/ABEL: I am Abel Xerxes, paladin of Ragathiel. My mystery cult sent me to warn you: we have received a holy vision that an evil cult will attempt to slay you all in this hotel!
    ICARUS: That just happened last night!
    ABEL: Dammit not again! They're always one step ahead!


    ICARUS: You have failed, you're a failure, go home to your wife and kids, thanks but no thanks, your god obviously doesn't like you...
    DM: "No, we need all the aid we can get."
    Last edited by TheYell; 2019-09-26 at 03:09 AM.
    Empyreal Lord of the Elysian Realm of Well-Intentioned Fail

  10. - Top - End - #220
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Goblin

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Quote Originally Posted by TheYell View Post
    TAMIEN: I married a girl I met on the beat...she was a Scarzani refugee, down in the poor district...we'd sit up nights after my patrol...[continues literally five minutes improvising a backstory for his NPC]
    ICARUS: [throws a pointy D4, hard]
    Tamien takes 1d4 damage.

  11. - Top - End - #221
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Cleric: Where are we going to buy a stick? We aren't going to find a shop all the way out here
    Sorcerer: Sticks grow on trees!!! What kind of orphanage did you grow up in?

    Fighter: I am David, son of Solomon
    Guard: I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. Not on the list

    Assassin: If you see this woman, let us know. We would like to kill her for your protection

    Paladin: Are you the ones who have framed my wife of being a necromancer? The ones who chased her, and tried to murder her last night?
    Dragonfire Adept: Yeah probably

    Assassin: (on verge of tears OOC) We can try to talk things out guys. We don't need to kill another family. She just wanted to save her daughter

    Bard: *Screams as he catches fire*
    Assassin: cwispy

    Cleric: Didn't we kill this guy like 3 times already? How many times before he gets over his dead family?
    DM: Considering you framed and killed his wife, killed his recently revived daughter, beat him unconscious, poured alchemist fire down his throat, kicked him into a chasm, and left him for dead? At least 1 more time.
    Cleric: Oh boy. Here we go killing again...

    DM: You know you have a room at the inn like 2 blocks away, right?
    Healer: I'm committed to my fellow hobos. I must gain their trust
    Rest of party: *chants "HOBO CULT" ominously*

    Healer: *Cracks knuckles* I guess it's time for the emergency healing stash. Hold my berries *begins bleeding profusely*

    Healer: (OOC) I can cast mending 9 times, the cleric can cast it 7 times, and the sorcerer can cast 11 times. How much with that get us?

    DM: Fighter, what do you do during the wait?
    Fighter: I would like to contemplate the existence of my tongue. Isn't it weird we have a meat tentacle in a bone cage in our face?
    DM: *rolls dice* You aren't quite sure, but you think you may have dropped your tongue during the trip over here

    Healer: Not this time. The harmonica can only be used to play the song of my people
    Sorcerer: Halflings?
    Healer: Hobos

    Healer's Guild Employee: NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T BLEED WHEN THEY HEAL PEOPLE
    Healer: So... Does this mean I'm in the guild now?

    DM: You guys have kidnapped one guy and murdered another. Why can't you just be normal people for once?
    Healer: I'd like to correct that statement. We kidnapped 2 guys, murdered 1, and convinced another to kill someone. So technically 2 and 2 there

    Healer: How else would they react when a hobo walks up, start bleeding and glowing, cures them, gives them food, and walks away without a word?

  12. - Top - End - #222
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    player: i was conceived in a baseball field, so technically, i am a son of a pitch.

    dm: how the hell do you discreetly murder someone with a hand grenade?!

    dm: i'm not saying this campaign will be brutal. i'm just saying cannibal corpse could use it as lyrics.

    (all ooc)
    lucii: can we play soon? i'm itching to figure out how to kill more people with my fat stacks of cash.
    militia: welp, we've got a thingy here called a blunderbuss.
    lucii: wait. i can kill people with money from a distance?!
    dm: you know, you could always just hire a hitman at this point.
    lucii: what about slavery?
    dm: legal in some jurisdictions.
    louka: what kind of game have i walked into?!
    belsunce: you've got a jetpack and you saw me rip the spine out of a rat-ogre bare-handed. the medic molested a corpse. the friggin' ninja has a 4th wall breaking narration. figure it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Guizonde View Post
    monk: dude, it takes training to break rocks.
    josé: no, it takes steel-toed boots!
    Best one out of the stack. That's a PC that's going to go far and then die a horrible death. :D
    just noticed it rereading the old thread, but digo totally called it!
    Last edited by Guizonde; 2019-09-28 at 07:54 AM.
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  13. - Top - End - #223
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Quote Originally Posted by Guizonde View Post
    just noticed it rereading the old thread, but digo totally called it!
    Huh, that was unexpected. :3


    (Finally had a session!)

    GM: "I decided to get fit by doing crunches--Captain in the morning and Nestle in the evening."

    Mirror: "The worst part was the mutant monkey that poisoned us."
    Doc: "Yeah, that was a fun time... except for the mutant monkey that poisoned us part."
    GM: "It was for me."

    Azriel: *Drinking wine for breakfast*
    Max: "Isn't it a bit early?"
    Azriel: "It's 5 o'clock somewhere."
    Max: "Yeah, but PM, not AM."

    Max: "Do you have to obey the law of the letter?"

    Mirror: "If this works, it will help us on our quest."
    Charity: "I don't like that vague conjunction word 'If'."
    Azriel: "This is a really bad idea, and I took a pact with a demon."

    Mirror: "I will go breading myself in baby powder now."
    Charity: "Uh, are you gonna stop her, dad?"
    Doc: "Let's not talcum 'bout it just yet."

    Doc: "Seriously, why is the Bard the responsible one in this party?"

    Max: (*singing*) "It's shower time, for flower time..."
    GM: "I hate you."
    Doc: "Max, don't rain on his parade."
    Max: "You know he'll deluge us with pain anyway."
    Doc: "That would precipitate malice."

    Mirror: "I will rage like Wesley Snipes on Halloween!"

    Doc: (*crits on a crossbow attack*) "20 damage."
    GM: "That bolt just flew up its butt and out the left eyeball."
    Max: "Ouch! right up Main Street."
    Doc: "I'm not retrieving that bolt."

    GM: "Roll Arcana."
    Doc: "Nine."
    Max: "Ten."
    Doc: "Show off."

    GM: "Max, the wolves have some kind of fiendish connection."
    Doc: "Hahaha!"
    Max: "What's so funny?"
    Doc: "Don't you see? The pack has a pact!"

    Max: "Who wants to tell the farmers the news?"
    Mirror: "I will cut a paw and show the father proof."
    Doc: "You'll show the pa a paw?"
    GM: "I'm invoking the cruel and unusual punishment clause in the Geneva Convention with your jokes."

    GM: "Okay, initiative order. Who's on first?"
    Entire party: "Yes."
    GM: "..."
    Max: "Sometimes his wife comes to pick up the check."
    Charity: "Who's wife?"
    Doc: "Well why not, she's entitled to it."
    GM: "..."
    Digo Dragon - Artist
    D&D 5e Homebrew: My Little Pony Races
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  14. - Top - End - #224
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Telok's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Bug: "So are we breaking in, or pretending to be slave traders?"
    Robot: "I'm not pretending."


    Hag npc: "If I give you the stone will you go away without breaking anything else?"
    Cat: "The human comes with us too."
    Robot: "I need it for my breeding program. And call me if you get any walrus people in stock."
    Humie npc: "Wait, what? I never agreed to-"
    Robot: "Humans and dragons breed with anything. If I'm going to cross walrus people with centaur murder Gumbys then I'll need a vector."


    Cat: "I am not letting you neuter me. You don't even have ranks in medicine."
    Robot: "I'll fix that on level up. Besides, the bug can cast cure spells."
    Bug: "I'm not letting you neuter me either."
    Robot: "You guys are forcing me to be an irresponsible pet owner!"


    (It started as a joke but by now the 'bot has a full blown delusion of being a pet owner for the rest of the party.)
    Niven's Laws, #5
    If you've nothing to say, say it any way you like. Stylistic innovations, contorted story lines or none, exotic or genderless pronouns, internal inconsistencies, the recipe for preparing your lover as a cannibal banquet: feel free. If what you have to say is important and/or difficult to follow, use the simplest language possible. If the reader doesn't get it then, let it not be your fault.

  15. - Top - End - #225
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    sengmeng's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Baendrag: We'll have to huddle together for warmth, or die. I, for one, choose death.
    Rest of party: *agrees*
    My Homebrew (Free to use, don't even bother asking. PM me if you do, though; I'd love to hear stories).

    Avatar done by me (It's Durkon redrawn as Salvador from Borderlands 2).



    Nod, get treat.

  16. - Top - End - #226
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    M: Stop peeling my skin off.

  17. - Top - End - #227
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Rarity: "My Celestia, those clothes are FILTHY! Off with them at once!"
    Nova: *begins stripping*
    Marv, June, and Dan: "NO!"
    NH: "You humans and your clothing obsession."

    NH: "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
    Nova: "She said she was thirsty?"
    NH: "And you gave her a Surge? After what it did to me?"
    Nove: "Um...oops?"
    Pinkie Pie: "Wowthisstuffisamazing.IbetIcangetsomanythingsdone ,wowIwondrhowfastthisstuffmakesme?Oh!IbetI'mfaster thanRainbowDashrightnow!MaybeIshoulddropbyandseeif shewantstoracemeandseewhoisfaster...."

    Cesetia: "That certainly explains the extra large cake in the palace courtyard."
    NH: "It was my fault princess, I should have kept a better eye on them."
    Marv: "Rest assured, he's not allowed near any more energy drinks for the foreseeable future."
    Dan: "We've also confiscated the rest of his stash."
    June: "And the lovely large blue pony was nice enough to take them off our hands."
    *beat*
    NH: "Which large blue pony?"
    Luna, from the other room: "Huzzah! These are tasty!"

    June: "I didn't know the moon could do a summersault."
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

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    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  18. - Top - End - #228
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Telok's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    DM: (Reading text off a table) Fire comes out of all the orifices of the Psyker’s body and he melts from the inside, internal organs burning and his skin peeling off in an unnatural crackle. The Psyker falls to the ground and explodes in a burst of flames. The Psyker dies and all players caught in the blast radius of <roll> 19 meters receive <roll> 27 explosion damage and must test Dexterity v 15 or catch fire. If the Psyker was carrying ammunition or grenades, it has 80% chance to explode, as per the grenades or causing an blah blah blah more damage. Please tell me you're carrying grenades?
    Velon: I got frag missiles.
    DM: Missiles! How many!?
    Velon: Uh, four.
    DM: Scenery damage! Hand me the scatter die.

    <a little later>

    "The rocket sails through the hole in the station wall, blows a hole in the inflatable habitat, and the ork karaoke bar starts spewing Elvis impersonators into space."

    <a little later>

    "The daemon lord thinks this is way more fun than just Meteor Storm-ing everyone. That was too easy."

    <a little later>

    DM: The paladin's right arm comes sailing out of the globe of darkness trailing blood. It sails about half way to the far wall, then the howling winds catch it and suck it out into space with the rest of the atmosphere.
    Lobos: Yeah, I think it's time to run away now. Full auto bolters just annoy him.
    Velon: Pick up my charcoal on the way out. I burned a hero point to survive.
    DM: And we now know that if you soak the remains of a vampire in a vat of blood for a month it can come back to life.
    Lobos: We'll have to have another blood drive on the ship's crew.
    Niven's Laws, #5
    If you've nothing to say, say it any way you like. Stylistic innovations, contorted story lines or none, exotic or genderless pronouns, internal inconsistencies, the recipe for preparing your lover as a cannibal banquet: feel free. If what you have to say is important and/or difficult to follow, use the simplest language possible. If the reader doesn't get it then, let it not be your fault.

  19. - Top - End - #229
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    GnomePirate

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
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    Richardson, TX
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    Male

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    *Session from 2 weeks ago when I DM'd*
    Librarian: "According to this legend, you need a wing that fits inside a shoe that can be stapled to your shoulder."
    *beat*
    Librarian: "Did I read that wrong?"


    Lore: "I interrogate the water!"


    Halfling: "I need your hair *points to Bell*, your hair *points to Sleep*, and your saliva *points to Lore*."




    *Normal session with normal DM*
    Lore: "Why do we have to go back to our slaver?"
    Quill: "Employer."
    Lore: "We don't have anything left to lose."
    Quill: *puts hand on Lore's shoulder* "We still have each other, brother."
    *beat*
    Lore: "Are you picking up that overworld s***?"
    Quill: *breaks out laughing* "I can't believe I kept a straight face for so long!"
    Random wizard NPC and rest of party: "Why did the drow walk to the other side of the room and start whispering and laughing?"


    Shield: "I think I accidentally killed someone."
    Quill: "That doesn't sound like you." *Stares accusingly at Lore*


    Quill, monotone: "She's not dead so long as she lives in your heart."
    *Shield does nothing*
    Quill, monotone: "The power was inside you all along."
    *Shield does nothing*
    Peanut Gallery: "Use the heart of the cards!"
    Quill: "Close your eyes." *beat* "Unlock your inner Alien." *beat* "Stab the cactus."
    *much later*
    Quill: "Stab the dragon like the cactus!"
    Shield: *rolls* "Yay! Just like the cactus!"


    Quill: "We're going to die! Get the stuff!"
    Bell, IC: *breaks out laughing*

  20. - Top - End - #230
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Miltonian's Avatar

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    Jan 2016
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    Brinstar Depths
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    Male

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    He really should have invested in a CCTV system for his giant, necromantic doom-snake.

  21. - Top - End - #231
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TheYell's Avatar

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    Feb 2013
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    Phoenix, AZ
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    Male

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    GM: Your second day in the boat is uneventful.
    ABEL: kerplunk....kerplunk....kerplunk....kerplunk...
    GM: What are you doing?
    ABEL: Throwing things overboard, watching the ripples.
    NOGGLE: What can I practice my crossbow on without using up bolts?
    GM: You mean in front of the captain?
    NOGGLE: OK, when she isn't looking.
    GM: You mean in front of the crew?
    NOGGLE: When they aren't looking.
    GM: <grits teeth> You proceed up the river!


    CLONE: I walked through a portal, and this happened to me.
    NOGGLE: Have you ever tried double dating?


    GM: Bambi is off pursuing other adventures.
    ABEL: She's a whore to a rich merchant.
    BAMBI: It's what I was born to do!
    Female Players: Ew.


    ABEL: Get the slime ready.
    SAP: What is it about this slime anyway?
    ABEL: You'll find out. <snickers>
    SAP: <ooc?> If this slime goes sideways, I'm punching people in the face.
    Empyreal Lord of the Elysian Realm of Well-Intentioned Fail

  22. - Top - End - #232
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    May 2008
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    Orlando, FL
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Mirror: "Oooh, Doc left me the butt of the meatloaf."
    Charity: "Uh... what?"
    Mirror: "When you are older, you will understand why."
    Charity: "Butts with meatloaf? Again I say--uh... what?"

    Azriel: "I heal the dog for 9."
    Doc: "Aww, whose a good warlock? Whose a good warlock?"

    GM: "The little filly now thinks you're the best thing since spiced ham."
    Doc: *imitation fist pump*
    Digo Dragon - Artist
    D&D 5e Homebrew: My Little Pony Races
    Avatar by me - Doc Wagon

  23. - Top - End - #233
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    WhiteWizardGirl

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    Oct 2019

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Fight on a pirate ship against pirates(duh)

    **Rogue**: I try to cut the mast with my short sword.
    **DM**: uhm.. ok

    It's huge so obviously you can't do it with a short sword. You'd need a saw.

    The rest fights, rogue doesn't stop.

    **DM**: you guys can talk in fight...(incentive that the others tell him to stop the nonsense)

    **Rogue**: yea right, awesome! Guys help me saw the mast.

    ...

  24. - Top - End - #234
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Telok's Avatar

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    Mar 2005
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    PRAK

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "We'll move the ship."
    "Right. Don't want space herpes."
    "I still say we should nuke it from orbit."
    "Would that qualify as a civic improvement plan?"
    Niven's Laws, #5
    If you've nothing to say, say it any way you like. Stylistic innovations, contorted story lines or none, exotic or genderless pronouns, internal inconsistencies, the recipe for preparing your lover as a cannibal banquet: feel free. If what you have to say is important and/or difficult to follow, use the simplest language possible. If the reader doesn't get it then, let it not be your fault.

  25. - Top - End - #235
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    LordCdrMilitant's Avatar

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    Mar 2017
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    Inner Palace, Holy Terra
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    Female

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Titus [Commissar]: I need someplace private that's not far from the Armory. Uh, is there a bathroom nearby?
    Me [GM]: Yeah. It's a fleet base space station, there's bathrooms all over the place.
    Titus: Then I duck into the bathroom, lock the stall, and start taking apart the shotgun to find what's inside it.
    ...several moments, a 1, and a uncontrolled weapons discharge later...
    Me: Your guardsmen standing guard outside are startled when the report echoes out of the bathroom.
    Titus: *exits bathroom* "Let's just say the mess deck has some explaining to do."

    Armessar [Ranger]: I'm going to hide in the toilet so I can see who comes in looking for the shell casing.
    Other Player: Where are you hiding, in the toilet tank?
    Yet Another Player: The Eldar have a saying, that sounds very fancy and insightful in their language, but just translates to: "If I fits, I sits."

    Me: ...and the techpriest leaves the bathroom, and doesn't wash his hands.
    Other Player: He's the worst kind of Heretic!
    Armessar: I follow him out.
    Other Player: Do you wash your hands?
    Armessar: No.
    Yet Another Player: The mon-keigh water is just as filthy as the mon-keigh bathroom?
    Last edited by LordCdrMilitant; 2019-10-07 at 04:26 AM.
    Guardsmen, hear me! Cadia may lie in ruin, but her proud people do not! For each brother and sister who gave their lives to Him as martyrs, we will reap a vengeance fiftyfold! Cadia may be no more, but will never be forgotten; our foes shall tremble in fear at the name, for their doom shall come from the barrels of Cadian guns, fired by Cadian hands! Forward, for vengeance and retribution, in His name and the names of our fallen comrades!

  26. - Top - End - #236
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Mar 2013

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsama View Post
    Fight on a pirate ship against pirates(duh)

    **Rogue**: I try to cut the mast with my short sword.
    **DM**: uhm.. ok
    Please tell me he was blind.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_jyS5uXQer0

  27. - Top - End - #237
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    GnomePirate

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Lore: "We could sell you."
    Captured Bandit: *matter of fact tone of voice* "Slavery's illegal, you know."



    DM, OOC: "They're neither strong nor dextrous, smart nor wise."
    Quill, OOC: "But are they charismatic?"
    DM, OOC: "No."

  28. - Top - End - #238
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Rater202's Avatar

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    The Underworld
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "But... Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and bitch? I eat people."
    I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.

    Read my fanfiction here.

    Awesome Avatar by Emperor Ing
    Spoiler: Ode To Meteors, By zimmerwald
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by zimmerwald1915 View Post
    Meteor
    You are a meteor
    Falling star
    You soar your
    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  29. - Top - End - #239
    Orc in the Playground
     
    DruidGuy

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    Apr 2014
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Blitzkrieg: Well, good news Doc, I found three people for you. I found the friend I was looking for, the guy who set off this powderkeg and a liaison for the hivemind. And they are all right here. *points to Buckeye*
    *Every NPC in the room besides the Doc points their guns at Buckeye*

  30. - Top - End - #240
    Dwarf in the Playground
    Join Date
    Mar 2019

    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    He wore a big, black mechanical suite, over which he had a coat on, and over that he was wearing a bright pink bikini while riding a horse by standing on its back as if It were a surf board. Yes, this is a thing one of my players decided to do.

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