Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
Doc: "Unless you're a German tank."

GM: "As you open the scroll, you hear a faint, high tittering laughter."
Doc: "Heh heh, tittering."
Max: "Shush. Was the document in a scroll boob--I mean, tube."
Doc: "Ha! not just me! Not just me!"

Max: "How long does your floating disk last?"
Disk: *vanishes, dropping the dead body three feet with a wet thud*
Azriel: "About that long."

Mayor: "My daughter might know what those beads do."
Charity: "Ah, she goes to Carnaval too?"
Doc: "Wait, what?"

Wizard: "Geez, you think you know a pony."
Max: "Looting their house really tells you a lot about them."

Max: "What an interesting new smell you've discovered."
Charity: *casts Firebolt at the door*
Firebolt: *bounces around the room several times until it fizzles in the water*
Azriel: "Stop that! I already tried it with Eldritch Blast. The doors are magictically sealed!"

Doc: "I am tragically sober."

[Guizonde]

GM: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
Doc: "Unless you're a German tank."

GM: "As you open the scroll, you hear a faint, high tittering laughter."
Doc: "Heh heh, tittering."
Max: "Shush. Was the document in a scroll boob--I mean, tube."
Doc: "Ha! not just me! Not just me!"

Max: "How long does your floating disk last?"
Disk: *vanishes, dropping the dead body three feet with a wet thud*
Azriel: "About that long."

Mayor: "My daughter might know what those beads do."
Charity: "Ah, she goes to Carnival too?"
Doc: "Wait, what?"

Wizard: "Geez, you think you know a pony."
Max: "Looting their house really tells you a lot about them."

Max: "What an interesting new smell you've discovered."
Charity: *casts Firebolt at the door*
Firebolt: *bounces around the room several times until it fizzles in the water*
Azriel: "Stop that! I already tried it with Eldritch Blast. The doors are magictically sealed!"

Doc: "I am tragically sober."

response:
1: there are 2 things that can't be expected: the spanish inquisition and german tanks.
2: but was the scroll tube stored in a chest?
3: comedic timing, love it.
4: in new orleans, the spelling is carnAval ;)
5: "when i die, please clear my browsing history"
6: at least it didn't murdercide anyone.
7: in our pathfinder game, we actually get to-roll penalties for that one!

[Sniccups]

Rogue: I read the records.
DM: These are the cult's financial records. There's a lot of tax evasion. Like, so much tax evasion.

And from a different campaign:

NPC: Okay... first off, what's a dog?

DM: (describes Wretched Sorrowsworn)
Rogue: I pet the doggies.
DM: ...they have horrifying lamprey mouths.
Rogue: Still.

[Telok]

"It's a bit of fire. Just put yourself out. Seriously, you've whined less about having your eyeballs exploded."

[DigoDragon]

2: but was the scroll tube stored in a chest?
4: in new orleans, the spelling is carnAval ;)

2. In fact, it was!
4. Ah, good catch. My auto-correct did not recognize the alternative spelling. I have corrected it. Thanks!

[LordCdrMilitant]

GM: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
Doc: "Unless you're a German tank."

I would say that strongly depends on the German tank in question.

Tanks are not actually very good treecutters, and you have to do it very slowly and carefully and even then there's a chance the tree will fall on [and break] your tank.

And I imagine WWII era tanks, with overloaded transmissions and much less horsepower than a modern tank, would have a very bad time of it.

[ZeroGear]

5: "when i die, please clear my browsing history"

He was later reincarnated in a different world as a slime.


Dave: "Who hides a spare lab key in a pudding cup?"
June: "Probably the same guy that decides you need chess pieces to open a library."
Dave: "Ah. Raccoon City Architects."

Crazed Doctor: "Let us begin the procedure. To start: we shall take some readings to establish a baseline." *Device in hand starts buzzing*
Nova: "If that's anything like a thermometer, it had BETTER be Oral!"

Nova, OOC: You used me as a SHIELD!
Marv, OOC: Technically, I used the table you were strapped to. Oh, hey! My food just arrived!
Nova, OOC: I hope someone SHAT in it!

[Lord Raziere]

"Hah! By that logic, I'm a goat princess"

"All hail queen of the goats"

[DigoDragon]

Max: "I probably shouldn't be eating ice considering I had a root canal done yesterday."
Doc: "Now why'd you go and do a thing like that?"
Max: "Well, I was scheduled for surgery two days prior, and then the enamel of this tooth decided to pop off."
Doc: "You are not having any luck this week."
Max: "Not a bit. So anyway, I start blasting..."

Azriel: "Congrats, you invented the drum."

GM: "You see an ash outline of where the donkey was standing."
Doc: "Is this info that I have... ascertained?"
Mirror: *Gibbs-slaps Doc*

Max: "What's on the index card?"
Charity: "The history of successful Gnomish inventions."

Max: "I saw the two ships crash, but I didn't see them sink."
GM: "Because they were in space."
Max: "In Moana?!"
GM: "Err, then no."

Max: "Doc, take 5 more."
Doc: "Wait, 5 more damage?"
Max: "No, healing."
Doc: "Oh! Phrasing, dude!"

Azriel: "Frosted Lucky Charms..."
Mirror: "They'll blow you butt to pieces!"

Max: "Never let it be said that we didn't do the least we could do."

Charity: "It's God, Kent!"

Wizard: "What's going on?"
Doc: "Let me explain..."
[Beat]
Doc: "No time. Let me summarize..."

Mayor: "What the hell is going on?"
Doc: "Interesting choice of words. Your daughter is the devil."
Mayor: "She's a teenager, of course she is."
Doc: "No, but..."
Mirror: "Let me try. Ahem, she's got a boy in her room."
Mayor: "WHAT?! I'll kill her!"

GM: "Max, the guard is running behind you, sword in hand, butt-naked."
Max: "Is that a sword in your pocket or are you... oh."
Doc: "He hasn't got pockets.The guard is duel-wielding in the wind."

Charity: "I can explain the warlock. Not so much the naked guard behind him."

[Telok]

Mind flayer: "Of course we knew those things were here. It's marked on all the maps as 'Horror' because of the clockwork horrors. Didn't you check the library before you agreed to this?"
Pc: "No.
MF: "Well earn your pay and get us out of here. We'll hire some adventurers to come back complete the mission."
Pc: "Heyyy"
MF: "Not you. Someone competent."

[DigoDragon]

MF: "Not you. Someone competent."

That's a save versus massive damage.


GM: "And Motown just put out a hit contract on the warlock."

Wizard: "I have a conundrum."
Doc: "As a bard, I have proficiency to play that."

Azriel: "Take the stimpack! You don't know when the tax refund is coming."

Max: "Their army suffered a spontaneous unscheduled disassembly."

Doc: "Did you just say Condo Shaman?"

Azriel: "It's a magical dagger. Conjures wounds."

Charity: "Mom knows two spells--Rage and Powerword Fist."
Mirror: "I named my hooves Death and Taxes."

GM: "Does anyone want to name the mule?"
Mirror: "No."
Azriel: "Kevin."
Charity: "Roach."
Max: "Bojack."
Doc: "Mulia"
GM: "No it is."

Mirror: "The bard's barred from buffs."

Doc: "Oh look, there goes a yellow-belly mud sucker!"
Hobgoblin: *drops dead*
Max: "Did you just...?"

Doc: "Achievement unlocked! This stab toward enemy!"

[Matuka]

Random guy: isn't butter flammable?
Gm: I have no idea but it is now, the robot detonates.

[Coventry]

Spoiler: Dreaded context

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The final game session quotes for this set of characters ... we defeated the big bad last night, and the campaign wrapped.

Arksbane: Mint chocolate chip ... chicken?

Killian: Lack of adult supervision.

Killian-OOC: For the first time in my life, I don't want to roll a natural 20.

Frighid: (lands alpha strike)
DM: (calculates) ... he has 1 hit point left
Spark: I fling a rock at his head
(dice): ... yes.

[LordCdrMilitant]

Alesia: "FRIENDS! :P"

Commissar Titus: "Stop being dominated or I'll execute you!"

Ship's Chaplain: *runs into room* "BEGONE FOUL HELLSPAW..."
Alesia: *omnomnom...~burp* ;)

Psyker Pompeii: "Look, you've overstayed your welcome. Please go away."
Alesia: "NO I HAVEN'T! I'M ALWAYS WELCOME EVERYWHERE! :)"

Commissar Titus: "FIRE! DIRECT ONSLAUGHT! FULL PAYLOAD! AERIAL SPOTTER!"
I, the GM: "That's 5 CP. With all your guardsmen and your basilisk, you're not far from being the loyal 32."

Telling a missing player after the session:
Rogue Trader Mediabelle [missing player]: "Two birds with one stone should not factor us in as birds guys."

[Guizonde]

character creation for dark heresy 2e:

brigbal: ok, knowing the dm, i'm going to make the most ruthless character i know how to make.
bernie the medic: a space marine?
grigori the desperado: an assassin?
brigbal: a shady accountant.
dm: *shivers*

brother v5.32 the techpriest seeker: hey, can i look like doc octopus from spiderman?
brigbal the savant: don't you want to be at least a bit competent?

wynnif the psyker: hey guys! i can read minds!
grigori: *thinks really hard about bomb collars on psykers*
wynnif: ... that's not nice.

bernie: ok, i may be a dumb ex-guardsman but why is grigori our stealther? i've seen smaller ogryn!
grigori: *cycles shotgun* corpses don't count as witnesses.

v5.32: oh man, this is gonna be a walk in the park! we've got cyborgs, shotguns, lasers, grenades, and even a mind-reader! this campaign is as good as solved!
dm: *chuckles*
wynnif: yeah, not even gonna bother reading minds. this is gonna suck.

[Necroticplague]

Gene: I know you haven't read up enough to know what an alp is, so I'll keep it simple: she's helping us because otherwise, she'll never see her hat this side of forever.

[LordCdrMilitant]

bernie: ok, i may be a dumb ex-guardsman but why is grigori our stealther? i've seen smaller ogryn!
grigori: *cycles shotgun* corpses don't count as witnesses.

v5.32: oh man, this is gonna be a walk in the park! we've got cyborgs, shotguns, lasers, grenades, and even a mind-reader! this campaign is as good as solved!
dm: *chuckles*
wynnif: yeah, not even gonna bother reading minds. this is gonna suck.

Sounds like they're getting in the spirit already!

[Guizonde]

Sounds like they're getting in the spirit already!

i know right? i'm as excited about it as i'm nervous about doing a good job dm'ing!

[Solamnicknight]

Elise "Thanks for covering that! I owe you one."
Serendelle "You do owe me, you're paying me back!"

[ZeroGear]

Spoiler: Heretical Context:

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The last big campaign came to a close while the forums where down, and unfortunately the notes got lost in the shuffle. As such, New story, new characters!

Spoiler: Characters:

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Ruker (M) - Half-Orc barbarian from the northern tribes. Not the brightest bulb.
Jaxx (M) - Teifling rogue, trickster and occasional flirt. Very dry sense of humor.
Elandro Juanape MÃ*guele Alexaner Fortissimo Lopez the 3rd (Juan) (M?) - Half-Elf Elicter and the biggest drama queen to the point of being corny. Usually portrayed as male, but never confirmed gender.
Violetta (F) - Human Elementals with a preference of using electricity and weather magic. Essentially a storm mage.
Ariana (F) - Halfling cleric of Hlal (Dragon goddess of luck). Always cheerful, loves making jokes about people's height.

Spoiler: System/Setting

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Homebrew Pathfinder setting suing the SoP and SoM supplements. The world essentially sees dragons as divine messengers and has adopted the worship of the dragon pantheon.

Ariana: "So? How are you all?"
Jaxx: "Oh I'm just fine. It's not like we're hanging upside-down in a kobold larder waiting for those little pests to flay our skin off before marinading us in oil until we're nice and crispy."
Juan: "NOOOOOO! Hot oil is bad for the skin! IT'LL RUIN MY COMPLEXION!"

Ruker: "Ruker not like chains. RELEASE RUKER NOW!"
Violetta: "I don't think they're listening. Try yelling louder, I'm sure they'll hear you then."
Ruker: "RUKER NOT LIKE CHAINS! RELEASE RUKER NOW!!!"
Violetta: "Maybe they're far away, try louder."
Ruker: "RELEASE RUKER NOW!!!!" *bursts chains*
Violetta: "...huh...didn't think that would work."

Jaxx: "I'm going to turn all pint-sized pests into mincemeat!"
Ariana: "Hey!"
Jaxx: "Present company excluded, of course."

Juan: "Yes, gaze upon my dancing! Delight your gaze upon my luscious posterior! Feast your eyes upon my glorious form!"
Violetta: "Are we sure he's a guy?"

Ruker: "Ruker smash puny lizards!"
Jaxx: "Ah yes, scale-meat paste. The traditional cuisine of the northern tribes."
Ruker: "Nah. Stone fist tribe have yack-mash as specialty."
Jaxx: "...yum..."

Violetta: "You just don't have the spark. Yet." *blasts lizard man with a ball of electristity*

Jaxx: "The Cave is collapsing! Everyone out!"
Ariana: "Gender and Vertically challenged people first!"
Juan: "All this running is going to be murder on my calves!"

Violetta: "There's the exit! Pick up the pace!"
Ariana: "Why not 'pick up the halfling'?"
Ruker: "Ruker do." *grabbs Ariana*
Ariana: "My brawny half-naked hero!"

Juan: "We're alive!"
Violetta: "You make it seem like we were in any real danger. Don't sell us short."
Ariana: "I like being short, just not being sold."

[Xiander]

Bard from a noble house: "I signed that contract with my house name, we have to fulfill it, my house is very important."
Poor as dirt Rogue: "You have a house?"

[comicshorse]

" Revenge rides a slow pig " Old Dwarven saying

[Guizonde]

really old quotes:

amon: next experience: castrating an ork.

amon: now i'm imagining an ork licking its foot.

dm: you've gotta buy the upgrade.
ray: which one? a new pilot?
ross: hey!!

dm: the hangar door is destroyed.
ray: knock-knock!

ray: you da bomb!
amon: yes.

dm: you are sitting on a metallic corduroy cushion.

amon: *raises eyebrow*
team: 0.o

amon: you weren't heretical enough.
dm: how does that work?

dm: the ship explodes.
ray: represented by mayonnaise.

dm: the station is about to fire.
ray: *puts a lighter on the station*

mj: something big just exploded.
amon: *holding an atomic bomb* not my fault!

amon: uh, what does raymond usually say?
jace: swear in occitan, it works well!
amon: i really should listen when he speaks...

[DigoDragon]

Missed these from a past session:


Doc: "They'll hatch in 3-4 weeks, which is about the window period you're often given for the cable guy to show up."

Max: "Doesn't some fey food cause you... issues?"
Doc: "This isn't Metamucil."

GM: "No, some people do win the Gong Show."
Charity: "Those people aren't us."

GM: "The boars are wearing studded leather bards."
Doc: "Excuse me?"
GM: "Barding! I meant studded leather barding!"

Flaming Sphere: "Avon calling!!"

Charity: "My inner pyro is disappointed."
Mirror: "Mine too."
Max: "I didn't want the sphere to burn any potential loot."
Charity: "Oh! Okay well in that case my inner pyro can deal."
Mirror: "Same."
Azriel: "Doc, your family scares me."
Doc: "You don't say..."

Mirror: "Doc spent most of his spell slots, Charity spent most of her spell slots, and Azriel... is a warlock."

[Rater202]

*produces scalpel* "Strip naked and lay on the kitchen table."

***

"Splitting the cookie won't work, that'll just kill him."

[Telok]

Walrus: "I know you think you aren't beautiful enough for me, but thats OK. I'm gorgeous enough for both of us!"
Hag: "Thanks for the nightmare fuel. If I give you guys the artifact will you make the walrus go away?"

[ZeroGear]

Jaxx: "We're safe, we're sound... who are you all anyway?"
Violetta: "Wait, we didn't introduce ourselves yet?"
Ariana: "We were a little short on time back there."

Ruker: "Ruker confused. Why girly-man not use proper name when referring to girly-man? Did girly-man not get proper name ceremony yet?"
Juan: "Girly-man?"
Jaxx: "A rather apt description."

Ariana: "Mommy!" *Hugs Juan*
Juan: "NOOOOO! I'm too young and male to be a mother!"
Jaxx: "That's debatable."

Ariana: "Rukie-pie, please don't smash the shopkeeper, he didn't mean it."

Violetta: "Oooh! Clothing store!"
Juan & Ariana: "Shopping Spree!!!!!"

Jaxx: "Wow, what a big, dark, creepy hole in the ground leading to unknown dangers and crumbling ruins full of dangerous creatures. Ruker, you go first."

Ariana: "SPIDER!"
Violetta: "Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"
Juan: "Hit it with a stick! Hit it with a stick!"

Jaxx: "Hang on, I'll pick the lock."
Ruker: "Ruker fix!" *rips door of hinges*
Jaxx: "That works too."

Juan: "Heeeeelp! I'm Drowning!"
Jaxx: "Don't worry, I'll save you from the angle-deep pool of water."

[Guizonde]

dark heresy: the tutorial session. in which the players try and figure out how to work together.

inquisitor melman: i'm sending you on a milk run. just a rumor of a landowner using xenos crops. any questions?
bernie: yeah, when's happy hour?

hotel clerk: here's a map of the city, you can rent vehicles next door. any questions?
bernie: yeah, when's happy hour?

dm: so, wynnif, grigori, and bernie, you arrive at a nice looking bar next to the airport.
wynnif: if you don't ask if it's happy hour, i'm buying you drinks.
bernie: deal.

v5.32: why don't we go to the authorities to ask for leads?
bernie: yeah, that's a good idea. but aren't we supposed to be the authorities?

v5.32: hello bartender, do you serve alcohol-like drinks for a perfectly normal and not at all a cyborg human?
bartender: *barfs*

dm: as the bartender pukes, 2 well-dressed serfs run away.
v5.32: please stop in an orderly fashion.
dm: bernie, you're in the doorway. what do you do?
bernie: i perform a takedown with my pattern 970 entrenching tool. *crits*
dm: one of the serfs is on the floor clutching his groin trying to remember how to breathe.
v5.32: i did ask them to stop.

grigori: i've been interrogated enough to know how to do one. get me jumper cables, a car battery, and take off his pants.
bernie: uh, as a medical professional, i must tell you that electrocuting his groin is in poor taste.
grigori: why, soldier boy? you got a conscience?
bernie: no, his dangly bits are the size of grapefruits. jumper cables are too small.

bernie: DON'T TOUCH MY SHOVEL!! *licks the shovel*
v5.32: yeah, not touching it after that.

dm: as you leave the interrogation cell, arbites commissioner langlois gives you an approving glance and asks, "that was a damn good interrogation, do you have experience in the arbites"?
grigori: something like that.

v5.32: damn, out-roboted by bureaucracy.

dm: grigori drives you around perfectly like a driver who's racked up 571 traffic tickets in two weeks.
grigori: i'm still the sector-wide record holder.

wynnif: you're a walking hate crime on the traffic code.
grigori: friggin' mind reader.

dm: are you sure you want to read that mind?
wynnif: yes.
*reads mind*
wynnif: anybody got brain bleach?

brigbal: bad news, i messed up the paperwork. good news, we're in a 5-star hotel on the inquisition payroll. bad news, the inquisitor knows about it. good news, it won't come and bite us for another 3 years.
bernie: woooooh, let's celebrate.
*looks at vostroyan premium vodka pricetag*
bernie: maybe let's wait until the mission's over, instead.
brigbal: that can be misfiled, too.

wynnif: why is it that men always picture me undressed?
brigbal: because you're a beautiful redhead?
wynnif: then why do they get it wrong?
brigbal: if that frustrates you, never work in the administratum.
v5.32: believe me, people get what's under my robes so wrong even i make mistakes.

grigori: right, i believe it's time for violence.
brigbal: before dinner?
grigori:... ok, after dinner.

bernie: space elf cocaine with an obscura chaser. let's see. it should lead to dilated pupils, insomnia, incoherence, vomiting... *ping* that bartender was a junkie!
dm: and it only took you 2 real-life hours to figure it out!
wynnif: glad to know he's competent. i'll remind you of that when grigori's gutshot and bleeding out in a gutter, you'll be saying,"gee, that's a lot of blood for a papercut!"
grigori: friggin' mind reader.

[LordCdrMilitant]

More 40k!

Armech, the Techpriest: *Rolls 0 successes and a Complication on like 12 dice* I, the expert in technology, have no idea what rare weapon available to AdMech HQ's would deflagrate a person from the inside out.

Oslo, the Space Wolf Intercessor: Man, these bodyguards suck. Didn't even kill a single attacker.

Titus, the Commissar: Damn. We're going to table breaching through the ceiling as a first option for every future problem until we get do it.

Titus: Hey, gov'na, which of these paintings is most valuable?
Planetary Governor: *terrified* Uh, uh, that one!
I, the GM: It's a painting of the Emperor stabbing a serpentine monster, framed in gold.
Titus: Great! We'll take it. Guardsmen, be careful with it! Stormtroopers, prioritize jewels over large objects, you can fit more in your pockets.


after the session:
Player: I kind of want to not tell him what happened until next session. That way we just start with flying in a Caestus towards a Necron Tombship and he'll be like "what?"

[Guizonde]

More 40k!

Armech, the Techpriest: *Rolls 0 successes and a Complication on like 12 dice* I, the expert in technology, have no idea what rare weapon available to AdMech HQ's would deflagrate a person from the inside out.

Oslo, the Space Wolf Intercessor: Man, these bodyguards suck. Didn't even kill a single attacker.

Titus, the Commissar: Damn. We're going to table breaching through the ceiling as a first option for every future problem until we get do it.

Titus: Hey, gov'na, which of these paintings is most valuable?
Planetary Governor: *terrified* Uh, uh, that one!
I, the GM: It's a painting of the Emperor stabbing a serpentine monster, framed in gold.
Titus: Great! We'll take it. Guardsmen, be careful with it! Stormtroopers, prioritize jewels over large objects, you can fit more in your pockets.


after the session:
Player: I kind of want to not tell him what happened until next session. That way we just start with flying in a Caestus towards a Necron Tombship and he'll be like "what?"

is this taken from wrath and glory? how's the system handling-wise? also, requisition doesn't count as looting.