The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
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  1. - Top - End - #241
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Gallus: "So, you're from a different world. What's the pay like?"
    Dan: "Depends on the job. Right now I'm being payed in survival time."
    MoP: "Considering what he's been through, he owes the reaper quite a debt."

    Silverstream: "Oh! Oh! Oh! What is this thing?"
    Marv: "That would be my arm."
    Silverstream: "Why is it a different color?"
    Marv: "Because it's made of metal."
    Silverstream: "Why is it made of metal?"
    Marv: "Because I lost my real one when some..."
    Dan: "Not in front of the kids!"

    Psycho Flamethrower: "THE WORLD WILL BURN! MUAHAHAHAHA!"
    Smoulder: "I like this thing."
    NH: "I'm not sure how to feel about that."

    Dan: "Nova... Did you just reflect the dragon's fireball back at it?"
    Nova: "Wabba, Wabba, Wabuffet!"

    Twilight: "I don't understand! Dragon Lord Ember forbade all dragons from attacking pony towns! No dragon would ever go against the commands of their ruler!"
    Dan: "Maybe someone else is controlling it?"
    Twilight: "Who would do such a thing?"
    Far off echo: "Ooohohohoho!"
    Entire group: "Groan."
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

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    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  2. - Top - End - #242
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    HalflingRogueGirl

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Spoiler: Characters
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    Ea: Tiefling Monk
    Ace: Human Fighter
    Attix: Dragonborn Rogue
    Aries: Cleric (Can't remember race rn)
    Timbo: Kobold Druid


    DM: "The bandit is scared right now. He scared... out of his... BUTT."

    Ea (OOC): "Wait, am I taller than Ace? How tall are you?"
    Ace (OOC): "I dunno, like 6'2"?"
    Ea (OOC): "Dang, we're the same height."


    Ace: "I pick Ea up and restrain her."
    Ea: "I try to break his hold so I can continue headbutting Ace."

    Timbo: "How many cocaine do I have?"
    DM: "First of all, what? Second you have 3 cocaine."

    Ea: "I cast Thaumaturgy to yell at Aries that he's taking too long."
    Aries: "I begin questioning the Red Mage about his work in detail."

    Attix: "I pick up the transient and fly straight up to my max movement distance."
    Ea: "While he's gone, and since we're being fast and loose with the technicalities, I cast Thaumaturgy to make myself look like my lower jaw is rotting off to scare the junkie into talking."

    DM: "Timbo is so high, he can't move. He also thinks he's in the pocket dimension."
    Ea: "I walk past his cell and ignore him."
    Aries: "Ditto."
    Attix: "Wait, you said he snorted the entire bag?"
    DM: "Yes."
    Attix: "I also ignore him."
    DM: "Dude, that's cold."
    Ace: *sigh* "I unlock his cell door and pick him up so we can move on."
    DM: "Timbo, roll CON to see if you puke."
    *Collective groan*

    DM: "Okay, so Ace is in the ring. What will you guys do?"
    Attix: "I sneak around the back of the crowd to the grand prize bag."
    Ace: "I continue punching the other guy."
    Ea: "I try to hide in the crowd so I don't have to fight the other guy." *succeeds*
    Aries: "I stand by Ace's corner of the ring in case he needs healing."
    DM: "Ea, you're very sneaky and avoid being noticed. [Attix], what do you do next?"
    Attix: "I want to take 30 gold and replace it with 30 silver to make it look the same in the bag." *Rolls nat 20*
    DM: *Brief beat* "You steal 100 gold outright and nobody notices."
    *Collective cheer*
    Quotes from my adventuring party:
    "If you can't blow it up, try setting fire to it."
    "When in doubt, roll for Intimidation."
    "What's Thor gonna do, zap me?"
    "Timbo is so high, he sees floating pink animals. They're talking to him."
    "Is it drugs?"
    "Can I throw (other PC) at it?"

  3. - Top - End - #243
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Telok's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "Painted copper is as good as gold in dim light."
    "You're not going to make any friends that way."
    "I don't need friends. I still have all my gold."
    "The merchants guild might disagree."
    "Wand of Fireballs."
    "That's less a friend and more your third limb."
    Niven's Laws, #5
    If you've nothing to say, say it any way you like. Stylistic innovations, contorted story lines or none, exotic or genderless pronouns, internal inconsistencies, the recipe for preparing your lover as a cannibal banquet: feel free. If what you have to say is important and/or difficult to follow, use the simplest language possible. If the reader doesn't get it then, let it not be your fault.

  4. - Top - End - #244
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "I was dancing with him, and then I let go, and he happened to be over a bottomless pit! I didn't kill him."

    "I'm not using zombie charcoal to draw a face on the sentient mannequin"

  5. - Top - End - #245
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TurboGhast's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "I'll only mostly kill you."
    Link to true signature
    Feel free to sig anything I post, just do so in quote format.

  6. - Top - End - #246
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Leon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    3.5 Circus Game
    OOC
    "So all the casters ended up grouped together"
    "Yep"
    "Can any of us do anything to the Undead?"
    "only the Warlock can"

    "You can cast produce flame"
    "No that's the Druid in the other group"

    IC
    "running away?"
    "going to get a chair"

    Pathfinder
    DM: its about 15mins till the pirate ship is in range
    Bloodrager's player: I Rage
    Rest of us: No you don't, you can rage in 15min

    "So you just Yeetbombed the boss"

    Lizardfolk Monk: I'll leap between the ships and engage the archers... Plop!
    Last edited by Leon; 2019-10-21 at 02:01 AM.
    Thankyou to NEOPhyte for the Techpriest Engiseer

    Quote Originally Posted by Mike_G View Post
    Just play the character you want to play. Don't feel the need to squeeze every point out of the build.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Max_Killjoy View Post
    take this virtual +1.

  7. - Top - End - #247
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    WolfInSheepsClothing

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Paladin, INT 8: <Hands wizard his holy book> "<Wizard> can you tutor me in my religion."

    Cleric: "What happens if we put that stone to flesh ointment on this pebble here?"

    Paladin: "So the Shield Guardian speaks any language, right. So if I make up a language, then he will know it?"

    -----

    Evil Wizard's Apprentice: "Can I have my master's magic staff back?"

    Wizard: <Makes a deception roll> "No, it is cursed."

    Paladin: "Crap, give it to me quick, and I'll break it over my knee!"

    -----

    Goblin Alchemist: "I want to drink the water."

    DM: "The water is stagnant and full of bloat fly larva."

    Cleric: "So it's Goblin Bubble-tea?"

    Goblin Alchemist: "I drink some now, and I save some for later."

    -----

    DM: <At a convention> "You are new to the Pathfinder society." <Welcome speech> "Do you ask any questions?"

    Cleric: "Why did you assemble an adventuring party with only two clerics of Sarenrae, we would be much better off with a full party of us!"
    Last edited by darkrose50; 2019-10-29 at 12:57 PM.

  8. - Top - End - #248
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    4th ed D&D. When we use wound stitch powder to stabalise a dying enemy to prevent it from getting the 20* on it's save and standing up with a surge of hitpoints, we refer to the foe as having been "Stitched up"

    Also, when we realise the foe has much better AC than other defences, the goblin's player will call "Kick 'im in th' NADs"

    * especially for Solo foes who are more likely to stand up than to die quietly once their bonus on saves is taken into account
    I love playing in a party with a couple of power-gamers, it frees me up to be Elan!


  9. - Top - End - #249
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Dan: "I said: 'Kick that dragon in its scaly butt' not 'Pile-bunker it in the [REDACTED]'!"
    Marv: "It worked, didn't it?"
    Nova: That poor dragon is going to need some serious therapy."

    Marv: "So... do we have a plan?"
    Nova: "Well..."
    Marv: "We are not assembling Pony Voltron."
    Nova: "You're no fun."

    Twilight: "This Anastasia person sounds like a she's going to be trouble."
    Marv: "We've managed to deal with pretty much everything she's thrown at us before. At this point, there's nothing we can't handle."
    Nova: "Guys, there's a mechanical dragon coming our way, and I think it's being piloted by a loli in a jumpsuit."
    Marv: "I stand corrected."

    June: "BURN THE ROBOTS! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
    Ocellus: "Is she always like this?"
    Smolder: "I sure hope so, I like her!"
    NH: "I don't know how to feel about that."

    Twilight: "Can't we find a more peaceful way to settle this?"
    Dan: "Like what? Bet on a Tweedle Beetle Battle?"
    Nova: "With paddles in a puddle in a bottle?"
    June: "On a noodle eating poodle?"
    Spike: "Have you all been talking to Discord?"
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

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    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  10. - Top - End - #250
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Lucio: "Well, I can't carry anything else, my inventory slots are full."
    Leah: "Didn't you have a slot left?"
    Lucio: "I'm using it to carry a kilogram of sand."
    Leah: "WHY WOULD YOU CARRY A KILOGRAM OF SAND?"
    Lucio: "To balance the weight of the 10 brand new scrolls of parchment on my other pocket!"

    Dracon: "I also have 10 brand new scrolls of parchment."
    GM (OOC): "Why?"
    Dracon (OOC): "I'm planning on drawing maps of the dungeon and the surrounding lands."
    Leah (OOC): "Are you competent with cartographer tools?"
    Dracon (OOC): "Nope."
    GM (OOC): "So, this time the constant roaming aimlessly and getting lost every time will be in character."

    GM (OOC): "I love how, when telling Dracon about the pact he made with the witch in order to revive him, Lucio is all 'we, us', but he was the only one conscious at the time."

    Lucio: "And I just made the magical mutation-inducing blood condition of the setting sound like AIDS."

    Lucio: "Oh, Leah isn't just a hateful grouch, she's a tsundere, she cares about me!"
    Leah: "One, I'm not a grouch, you all are just too much for anyone to bear. Two, I don't care about you, it's just THE GIANT MUTANT CROCODILE IS NOW COMING FOR ME!"

    GM (OOC): "Yup, that's the Cleric Beast soundtrack."
    Dracon (OOC): "I'm having PTSD flashbacks and I haven't even played Bloodborne."
    Last edited by Khaiel; 2019-10-23 at 06:42 AM.

  11. - Top - End - #251
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "I should have possessed the devil!"

  12. - Top - End - #252
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    me: hold up, are you actively trying to put us in a situation where suicide is the most logical way of solving things?

    ...

    me: hold up, i was wrong. violence always solves the problem. i forgot.
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  13. - Top - End - #253
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Telok's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "You need a 100 for that." "I got 8 keep 5 plus five. No way." "Overchannel gets you to 10 keep 6." "You keep willpower so it's a stat roll, spend a blood point for another die." "But you need two more rolled dice to get to keep 7." "Say something awesome when you cast the spell, that's worth a stunt die right?" "Sure. So 10 keep 7 trying for 100." "Plus five." "By Vectron's flaming ***** I command you! Rise my undead minion! Rise!" <rolls 10d10> "Is that five 10s?" "The dice want this. Roll those explodes." "Fine. You have a baby space kaiju zombie with a plasma cannon hole through the middle. I'll stat it next week."


    "You open the bay doors and turn off the stasis fields. A million dragon chibis die horrible deaths in hard vaccum. Each one as smart as the elf, and better looking too until the eyeballs burst." "Nine hundred nintey nine thousand, eight hundred and eighty." "Right. I forgot you were keeping a murder score."
    Niven's Laws, #5
    If you've nothing to say, say it any way you like. Stylistic innovations, contorted story lines or none, exotic or genderless pronouns, internal inconsistencies, the recipe for preparing your lover as a cannibal banquet: feel free. If what you have to say is important and/or difficult to follow, use the simplest language possible. If the reader doesn't get it then, let it not be your fault.

  14. - Top - End - #254
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    NPC: We move around a lot, were nomads, it’s kind of our thing.
    Alum: well were allmad here.

    Alum: then my armor is +2 and holy
    Lonji: isn’t that the opposite of what armor is supposed to be?
    Alum: not that kind of holey

    Horell: didn’t we turn off the storm?
    Alum: have you tried turning the storm off and on again?

    Koja: I think we are near a holy place
    Sasani: well we need a hole to get through the mountain

    GM: you see a relief in the wall.
    Alum: technically a relief is (long-winded speech of what relief is)
    Scar: (OOC) or you know just a toilet in the wall
    GM: not that kind of relief!
    Scar: (OOC) if you’ve read the bible you would know it says damnation without relief

    GM: I said bones! Yetis do not carry boats!

    NPC: but it ate my foot!
    Lonji: LOOK, FEET ARE A REPLENISHABLE RESOURSE!
    Alum: No need to feel defeated.

    Lonji: Look, there’s only about 15000 skulls here. No need to be worried.

    Lonji: let’s see... are they Bethesda zombies or walking dead zombies?
    Alum: Well, we did see them clip through the walls.
    Lonji: Bethesda it is

    Horell: Horse MVP

    Scar: wouldn’t that be worse? I would have shat my pants.
    Horell: you’re not wearing pants.
    Lonji: he’s wearing a full plate, that has to be worse.

    GM: Zombies goes down the hole.

    Horell: we already know that the zombies are not alive, is it still standing?
    GM: Yes, they are still standing.
    Lonji: Now let’s see if I am.
    Roll: 1
    (lonji goes down the hole)

    Alum: you guys can handle the zombie?
    Sasani: Yes!
    Horell: Yes, go save our idiot.

    Horell: We don’t know where the wall is.
    GM: Well it is kind of hard to miss scar slamming into it headfirst, clawing at it impotently and raging at it in general
    Horell: oh.

    Lonji: I don’t care if I’m weak as ----, stick me!

    Scar: is it a trap?
    GM: Technically it is trap shaped...

    Lonji: Skulls are less intimidating than demon heads. I mean we passed 15000 of them already.

    Sasani: what’s behind door number 1 and 2?
    GM: you see headless corpses, their heads covered in red lacquer and placed to the left of their bodies. They are wrapped in scarps of decaying clothes. You see a few copper trinkets strewn around the graves with a few glints of silver nestled in.
    Sasani: I go forwards to the next 2 doors.
    GM: You see headless corpses, their heads placed...
    Sasani: I go forwards.
    GM: you see headless...
    Sasani: Forwards.
    Gm: you see...
    Sasani: Forwards
    Sasani: Forwards
    Sasani: Forwards
    GM: you slam headfirst into the door.

    Lonji: Let them hear the battle cry of my people!
    Lonji: yodelaiho!

    Lonji: I’m scared
    Scar: your yodeling has failed you.

    Lonji: Did you just miniature stab me with a miniature rapier? I’m so proud of you.

  15. - Top - End - #255
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Doc: "Probably tastes like a big recess people butter cup?"
    [Beat]
    Doc: "Peanut butter cup. Geez, autocorrect."
    Rime: "Only the freshest ground people."
    Digo Dragon - Artist
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  16. - Top - End - #256
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    Doc: "Probably tastes like a big recess people butter cup?"
    [Beat]
    Doc: "Peanut butter cup. Geez, autocorrect."
    Rime: "Only the freshest ground people."
    cannibalism. for when you are fed up with people.
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  17. - Top - End - #257
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    HalflingRogueGirl

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "I hoist (PC) over my head and yell 'NO!'"

    "Does a tail count as an unarmed strike?"
    "I don't know, dO YoU stIlL hAVe arMs?"

    "Here, this is magical cocaine for your Kobold buddy down there."
    "Great."

    "I want to haggle with the guard about my bail, make it only 1 gp."
    DM: "Roll for it."
    "Yes!"
    "I also want to haggle, but I want to get both Timbo and I out for free."
    DM: *sigh* "Fine, roll."
    "IT WORKED!"

    DM: "The goblins climb the tree to get away from you psychopaths."
    "I cast Fireball on the tree."
    DM:"The goblins are on fire now. You can hear their screams of agony as their skin burns away."
    (OOC) "How much XP is that worth?"
    DM (OOC): "I'm very tempted to not give any of you any XP. That was horrifying."

    "What color is the pocket dimension?"

    "I snort a bag of cocaine."
    "Wait, those things are like, 2 pounds of cocaine. Are you sure?"
    "I snort a bag of cocaine.
    DM (OOC): "You guys are just gonna let him?"
    ALL: "Yeah."
    "(Fighter) has to carry him, though."

    DM: "After getting the snot beaten out of you by the racist guards, you enter the city. You see a festival going on, with a giant statue of Thor in the middle. People are drinking, praising Thor, and wielding hammers. Suddenly, the clouds open and Thor himself descends to join the fun. You-"
    "I want to challenge Thor."
    (Rogue, OOC): "You're barely above a death save, please do not."
    (Fighter, OOC): "Yeah, and none of us could beat a literal GOD right now."
    "What's he gonna do, zAp mE?

    "You speak Celestial?"
    "No, I cast Comprehend Languages like, two seconds before I opened the door."
    "Oh."
    "Don't tell the others."
    Quotes from my adventuring party:
    "If you can't blow it up, try setting fire to it."
    "When in doubt, roll for Intimidation."
    "What's Thor gonna do, zap me?"
    "Timbo is so high, he sees floating pink animals. They're talking to him."
    "Is it drugs?"
    "Can I throw (other PC) at it?"

  18. - Top - End - #258
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Ranger: Ok, what's up?
    Dwarf: We are crossing a flimsy rope bridge across an underground river. All around us, some things that look like Beholders are floating in the air.
    Ranger: I draw my bow and full attack with all my feats, Rapid Shot and Multishot!
    Ranger rolls: That's three crits! Yay!
    DM: The gas balloons explode, incinerating the rope bridge, everyone falls into the river bellow, you all take x fire damage, y falling damage, now roll Fort Saves because the water is freezing cold... All except Ranger, as she still stands at the mouth of the cavern...

    Context? Well, the player of Ranger was a fresh mum, exciting the room to look after her toddler. Whenever she returned, her first answer was to shoot something....

  19. - Top - End - #259
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Quote Originally Posted by Guizonde View Post
    cannibalism. for when you are fed up with people.
    Ha! Good one. :3


    GM: "...Welp. Sachni just killed a giant bat in two punches."
    Ellie: "The long awaited anime sequel, Two-Punch Girl?"
    GM: "Err... wait, my mistake. She does still kill it, but it took all three strikes."
    Ellie: "And executive meddling ruins the new series."
    Digo Dragon - Artist
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  20. - Top - End - #260
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    June: "That is a BIG robot..."
    Giant Robot: "Hello friends! Want some toast?"
    Psycho Flamethrower: "HE gets a giant robot body? That's just not fair!"

    June: "That's a lot of robots..."
    Nova: "Guess it's time for my Ultimate Technique!"
    NH: "Ultimate Technique?"
    Nova: "Indeed, it's my final move!"
    June: "What are you planning to do?"
    Nova: "I'll use my speedy and well toned legs..."
    NH: "You'll use your legs to..."
    Nova: "RUN FOR MY LIFE!"
    June: "...I'm not even surprised by this anymore."

    Dan: "Ok, so frontal assault's out. And we'd be sitting ducks in the air... Any bright ideas?"
    Marv: "Maybe we can tunnel under it?"
    NH: "Not unless you know how to win over some Diamond Dogs."
    Nova: "...LET US PREPARE GIFTS OF MILKBONES AND CHEWTOYS!"

    Dan: *Glares at Nova*
    Nova: "What?"
    Dan: "You just had to get them started, didn't you?"
    Nova: "This world runs on music, and it's motivating them!"
    Rover (lead Diamond Dog): *singing* "Diamond Dogs digging a hole!"
    Rest of Pack: "Diggy Diggy Hole! Digging a Hole!"

    Twilight: "Just got word that Hunter's group is under the base."
    Marv: "Then it's time for a distraction."
    June: "FIRE THE BASS CANNON!"
    Vinyl Scratch: *drops the beat*
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

    Spoiler: Visit me
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    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

    Races of Wake

    Wake Human subspecies


    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  21. - Top - End - #261
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Quote Originally Posted by ZeroGear View Post
    Rest of Pack: "Diggy Diggy Hole! Digging a Hole!"
    So that song is now stuck in my head. Thanks.


    Doc: (grabs a rifle) "Please don't pee on my hooves like the last one."
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  22. - Top - End - #262
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "The only thing lower than my intellect is my wisdom."

    "Oh, man, another thing that eats souls?"

    "But he's too pretty to attack!"
    "That never stopped them from attacking you."

    "You have successfully intimidated the demon lord."

  23. - Top - End - #263
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    Guizonde's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    what started as a homebrew one-shot will become at least a 2 parter! here are the dramatis personnae in another installment of the wacky dalarium chronicles!

    Spoiler: the team
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    vincent of whitechapel: corpse artist and philanthropist from great britain, locked in stasis since the 22nd century ad.
    boris: spetznaz and beastmaster, part of a special project to increase artificially the intelligence of rats. also from the 22nd century ad.
    lazarus: dwarf engineer, pretty old, locked in cold storage from around about the year 6900 ad for blowing up a maternity ward, accidentally.
    ricard: tribal warrior. very young, impetuous, locked up for war crimes since around about year 7000 ad.
    the beast: a perfect hybrid between a giant rat and a grizzly bear.



    dm: so you are all thrown in a room with a variety of close combat weapons inside.
    ricard: i pick up a mine bar and try to stay calm.
    vincent: now why do you think we'll have to fight it out, my tribal friend?
    ricard: call it knowledge 4th wall.

    lazarus: spared insanity points by my near-sightedness.

    dm: you hit the rat-ogre so hard you dent your mine bar in the shape of its face.

    vince: i chop a corpse in two and fling it at the giant rats! *rolls* *fails*
    the beast: the beast looks at you quizzically. what the hell was that?

    the beast: what do i hear and smell?
    dm: you hear the rat ogre whimpering: "not cool dude, that really hurt! oh crap i think he broke my tooth!"
    the beast: sweet! that makes me the alpha!

    vincent: what kind of lousy test is this?
    lazarus: i don't even know what i'm supposed to read!
    ricard: pff, it's just a few quadratic equations, it's no big deal.
    laz: *blinks*
    vince: uh, isn't he supposed to be the dumb muscle?

    dm: the guards want you to tame the beast.
    boris: what do they think i am, some kind of pied piper? *plays the theremin*

    dm: ok, so the beast and boris are trying to assert dominance on the other.
    the beast: *growls*
    boris: *plays the theremin*
    the beast:*forces boris to sit down with a paw then sits down next to him*
    boris: yay! i'm the alpha.
    the beast: glad to see he's happy that i'm the alpha
    laz ooc: this won't end well.

    npc: so you see those collars y'all are wearing? yeah, they've got a gps tracker in it, and two modes. shock collar or bomb collar. you don't want to screw with those.
    laz: i'm totally gonna screw with those.
    ricard: i'll help.

    electronic voice: please. elect. team. leader.
    ricard: what does a team leader have to do?
    laz: basically catch flak for the rest of the team when things go wrong.
    ricard: so, just like being front-line in a warzone. i'll do it.
    vince: oh good, i didn't want to designate you as a volunteer.

    electronic voice: team leader. bring your team to briefing room 2b.
    ricard: after the coffee.
    electronic voice: now.
    ricard: you think i have authority over those people?!

    vincent: are we teaching savages how to play tarot?
    boris: i guess so.
    vincent: pass the whisky.

    vince: so the white guards have got this little "pweek-pweek" button attached to their gloves that hand out either shocks or detonations?
    dm: yup.
    vince: are the guards wearing shock collars too?
    dm: yup.
    ricard: great, now we need one of those pweek-pweeks to pweek-pweek the guards before they pweek-pweek us!
    laz: only in the dalarium can you say that with a straight face, folks!

    vince: ricard's gonna die over there, and more importantly me too!
    laz: dude, i've got a pea shooter, i can't do anything! boris!
    boris: what am i supposed to do?
    vince: you're the beastmaster! get the beast over here!
    boris: you think i control that thing?!

    dm: while your friends are surrounded by explosions, what do you do?
    the beast: they're not my friends. i keep eating my kill.
    team ooc: BEAST!
    the beast: oh, alright. sheesh.

    vince: i know! i'll throw a corpse at the guards!
    laz: yeah, because it worked so well last time.

    ricard: finally! i killed a guard! vince! get to da pweek-pweek!

    gypsy mercenary: now, we let you have your freedom, but you give us the stuff from the killed guards.
    vince: now, hold on! that's not fair, you didn't even help out in the fight!
    ricard: everybody shut up!
    everyone: *blinks*
    ricard: when i went to sleep, it was during a horrible war where i was fighting an authoritarian society. i saw my friends die. i get locked up in cryo-stasis for a bazillion and a half years. i wake up, some douchecanoe throws me in an arena. i kill things. they make me do math and put a bomb collar on me. they make me dig for ore, and they try to blow me up because "oolala perfect eugenic society" my ass on a piece of ryebread. i've only killed a few. i don't know what the hell is going on, so either help me kill more of those bastards and bring down their society or get out of my way. you helping?
    gypsy mercenary: ... *huge smile* i see mister tribal over here knows how to speak gypsy! murder, vengeance and chaos is what we do!

    vince: i build a scale replica of the city out of corpses and organs!
    ricard: *chewing on a guard's dismembered arm* that's pretty cool, i like how you used kidneys as train wagons.
    laz: what kind of sick team did i get thrown into?

    boris: the beast is hungry. i go get a corpse.
    ricard: i throw the arm i was eating at the beast. it tastes too bland.
    dm: how not to bond with your pet 101.

    vince: i do a charisma check to look even deader!
    team: *marion cotillard imitations*

    boris: i summon the rat swarms to attack the guards! *plays the theremin*
    dm: it's very... not effective.

    the beast: i charge the two guards.
    dm: *rolls* you smell fecal matter. lots of it.

    team: noooooo, not favorite npc number 3! we liked him!

    me: just to be clear, "short-fatso" is now technically a name in this universe.
    boris: awesome.

    vince: ok, prisoner, you telling us anything or do i have to get my tribal over here to knock some sense into you?
    ricard: easy or sautéed with parsley. the choice is yours.

    ricard: i waterboard the prisoner in viscera.*snorts* nope, sorry, couldn't say it with a straight face!

    dm: you figure out how the buggy works. but the problem is you're too short to reach the pedals or see over the dash.
    laz: here comes ingenuity!
    *5 minutes later*
    laz: pedal stilts and a baby chair! finest dalarian engineering at work!

    boris: i try to make the beast understand to get into the buggy.
    the beast: nah, i keep eating my corpse.
    vince: why don't we tie a corpse to the back of the buggy?
    dm: *grins* i like the way you think.

    dm: thanks to talking to the rat-human hybrid, the beast's mind is blown. he can now associate two things as a concept!
    the beast: cue "mind blown" memes!

    ricard: is the beast ok?
    the beast: human-rat? wooooooaaaah
    boris: probably.
    vince: he's drooling.
    the beast: human-female? woooooooooaaaaaaaah
    laz: great, knowing our luck, that flea-bag will end up the genius of the group.
    the beast: tools? human-claws!

    vince: so long, short-fatso. good luck to you, here's a gun, and let me get your bomb-collar off.
    short-fatso: thanks guys. you're nuts. i'm gonna re-evaluate my life choices now.
    boris: you and me both.
    short-fatso: hey, laz, why are you sticking around?
    laz: have you seen how deadly they are? i'll risk a few insanity points for an increased life-span.
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  24. - Top - End - #264
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Doc: "For pastel horses, this is pretty restrictive wasteland bureaucracy."
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  25. - Top - End - #265
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    laz ooc: you forgot about the gratuitous cannibalism.
    vince: yeah, i've got a bone to pick with that.
    Spoiler: quotes
    Show
    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  26. - Top - End - #266
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Marv: "Looks like we're in."
    Nova: "And no guards in sight!"
    Victor the giant guard: "Well, well, well. We meet again."
    Marv: "...I blame you."

    June: "Who knew bubblegum-cake-batter made such great ammunition?"
    Pinkie Pie: "I know, right?"

    Nova: "I would rather not let the discount Juggernaut Jim Henson me, thank you very much!"

    Dan: "I wonder how they're fairing."
    *side of the base explodes*
    MoP: "Does that answer your question?"

    NH: "Do I look like a multitool to you?"
    Marv: "Is that a trick question?"

    Nova: "Oooooh! What does this button do?"
    Marv: "Channel your inner Dee Dee and find out."

    Princess Celestia: "It is a shame you cannot stay any longer."
    Dan: "Well, you know, duty calls."
    June: "And I miss the feeling of technology."
    Nova: "Plus I'm running low on Surge. Only got one left."
    Marv: "The one that Twilight's drinking right now?"
    *Beat*
    NH: "Here we go again."
    If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.

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    Project Loreshift, game development in Progress

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    Wake Human subspecies


    Anyone who reads this has just lost "the Game".

  27. - Top - End - #267
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    I fingergun curiously.
    78% of DM's started their first campaign in a tavern. If you're one of the 22% that didn't, copy and paste this into your signature.

    Depending on how you count, either with players strolling into town and killing everyone(vague memories of basic rules + party of murderhobos), players trying to travel to a town, only to find it pre-murdered(lasted one session), or with players in the forge/temple and one of the congregation turns into a gnoll(first proper campaign).

  28. - Top - End - #268
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    cardrian's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "I have a reputation to keep, at least until I have a big enough name that theft gets to be expected, and easily forgiven."
    Awesome Protean avatar by Serpentine.
    Spoiler: Oddly true
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    Beastly Sqaull avatar by linklele.

  29. - Top - End - #269
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    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    "Imagine the little mermaid where Ariel is singing on the rocks but instead of Ariel it's a mer-dwarf."

  30. - Top - End - #270
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

    Armessar [Eldar Ranger]: "How is it not a restroom if it has a bed in it?"
    Guardsmen, hear me! Cadia may lie in ruin, but her proud people do not! For each brother and sister who gave their lives to Him as martyrs, we will reap a vengeance fiftyfold! Cadia may be no more, but will never be forgotten; our foes shall tremble in fear at the name, for their doom shall come from the barrels of Cadian guns, fired by Cadian hands! Forward, for vengeance and retribution, in His name and the names of our fallen comrades!

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