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    Default Personal Woes and Advice 6

    It makes a difference to be able to turn to others on this forum for advice, compassion, and support when things are difficult. This is a unique community where friendship, kindness, and acceptance are the rule. Hurtful behavior is rare. When it does occur it is never tolerated, and the staff seek to prevent it from recurring, whether it was caused by a lapse in judgement or intentional cruelty.

    It is therefore with great pleasure that I share with you the new rules that will allow friends on this forum to continue to help each other out and to maintain the bonds that grow when friends share their troubles.

    I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them. The rules were the effort of the entire Giant in the Playground staff, who recognize the need for friends to share their troubles. It was hard work, and they deserve our thanks.

    Part of the definition of friendship is the sharing of troubles. That is the goal of this thread: to share our problems in a way that strengthens our community. The new rules are devised to make this possible.

    Please carefully read what follows:

    THE RULES FOR THE PERSONAL WOES AND ADVICE THREAD

    The Personal Woes and Advice thread is a place to discuss our daily troubles and seek advice on minor personal matters that get us down. For serious depression or mental health issues, please seek help from a professional.

    Like many other threads here on GitP, we've got a number of rules to help set the tone and head off issues likely to arise in this kind of thread. Please read them carefully and follow them.

    1. Of course, follow the Forum Rules. If you haven't read them recently (or ever - *gasp*), you should do so now. And giving them another read before you post something particularly emotionally charged or contentious might also be a good idea.

    2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.

    3. Feel free to post here to share your feelings, vent, and request advice. It's perfectly fine if you just want to share or commiserate. If you want advice, ask; if you specifically don't want advice, just say so. If you want to be contacted via PM, say so; if not, say that.

    4. Romantic issues are probably better discussed in the Relationship Woes and Advice thread.

    5. No problem is too small or insignificant. If it's bothering you, feel free to share. People should refrain from weighing or comparing their problems to other people's problems. Minimizing someone's problems or comparing your problems to theirs isn't helpful or friendly. Please don't do that.

    6. This is advice that you are getting from friends over the internet. Take it with a grain of salt. This advice is not professional, nor is it always the best.

    7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

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    9. Please, never suggest to someone that they harm themselves or others.

    10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."

    And finally: Please remember your safety before posting any personal information or before giving or accepting any support. The following site provides some useful internet safety guidance for adults.

    Past Threads
    Personal Woes and Advice
    Personal Woes and Advice 2
    Personal Woes and Advice 3
    Personal Woes and Advice 4
    Personal Woes and Advice 5
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Good call for making this thread. Even though I (thankfully) have not needed this thread, I have always kept an eye on it.

    I may have responses for the last few posts of the old thread later today once I have time.

    In the mean time, Happy Easter to those that follow it, and Happy Days for those who do not.

    -Mith

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Mith View Post
    Good call for making this thread. Even though I (thankfully) have not needed this thread, I have always kept an eye on it.

    I may have responses for the last few posts of the old thread later today once I have time.

    In the meantime, Happy Easter to those that follow it, and Happy Days for those who do not.

    -Mith
    Agreed. Happy Easter to you too and everybody else.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Continuing the theme of terrible things happening to parents :

    Found out over the weekend that my mom is going in for several cancer diagnostic procedures later this week. My mom likes to super sugar coat things to "protect" her children, so I'm pretty sure she's already gotten the news she has cancer, and the real question at this point is what kind and how bad. Only found out about it cause my dad let it slip to my youngest brother, and my mom wanted me to know about it from her not him.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Sometimes I find it difficult to live with my father for short periods. I don't live with my parents. I have my own apartment and my own life, but I like to visit my dad. The problem is that sometimes he comes but with strange plans that I don't fully understand and which he can't explain very well. The instructions can be very (demonstrative) pronoun-rich, such as "Get that from there and put it there". His speech is so unclear that I can't always understand what he wants. Now he wanted my help and listened to his plan and it sounded so bad that I told him: "I had a long day at the university and my mind is tired. I would be happy to help you, but I'm afraid that if I don't understand your instructions right away, we will both end up getting angry and say things that we will regret. I'd rather make you sad by declining my help than to fight you over nothing, and I'm sure that we will fight over nothing if I help you with this." So he went to do what he wanted to do alone. I'm sad that I didn't help him, but we can have more peace when I don't do things with him. The less we cooperate, the less we fight.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    So I am in the first relationship to last more then three months, and I'm fairly certain it is dead.

    My girlfriend and I spent every weekend of January and February together, we were talking about moving in together and things seemed to be going well. Then in March she started slamming breaks, we spent o ly two weekends together (the first and last weekend of the month.) The last weekend of March she basically ignored me the whole weekend, hanging out with her roommate and got me to move furniture instead. By Saturday night I was furious and withdrew a bit, went to bed early to calm down (my mom is abusive and I really don't like yelling.)

    The next morning she wanted to know if I was breaking up with her, she brought up her abandonment issues and told me how withdrawn I was. I told her I was hurt that she wasn't spending time with me or prioritizing us when we did spend time together.

    The three weekends since she has blocked my attempts to meet, either telling me she was to busy or cancelling at the last minute. She agreed to meet next weekend and is suddenly bombarding me with lovey messages about how funny I am and how much she likes me. It will be seven weeks since we spent actual time together, and a month since I said she wasn't prioritizing our relationship enough.

    At this point I feel like the relationship is dead, but if she won't meet with me I don't even know how to break it off. I don't want to break up in the first place, but I already had a heart to heart about the issue and she has blown it off.

    Edit: This sounds really obvious from an outsider perspective, but she regularly reassures me that she loves me and how scared she is I will dump her. I can't tell if it is a gaslight or she is just being really dumb about the whole thing.
    Last edited by Tvtyrant; 2019-04-27 at 01:44 PM.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    So I am in the first relationship to last more then three months, and I'm fairly certain it is dead.

    My girlfriend and I spent every weekend of January and February together, we were talking about moving in together and things seemed to be going well. Then in March she started slamming breaks, we spent o ly two weekends together (the first and last weekend of the month.) The last weekend of March she basically ignored me the whole weekend, hanging out with her roommate and got me to move furniture instead. By Saturday night I was furious and withdrew a bit, went to bed early to calm down (my mom is abusive and I really don't like yelling.)

    The next morning she wanted to know if I was breaking up with her, she brought up her abandonment issues and told me how withdrawn I was. I told her I was hurt that she wasn't spending time with me or prioritizing us when we did spend time together.

    The three weekends since she has blocked my attempts to meet, either telling me she was to busy or cancelling at the last minute. She agreed to meet next weekend and is suddenly bombarding me with lovey messages about how funny I am and how much she likes me. It will be seven weeks since we spent actual time together, and a month since I said she wasn't prioritizing our relationship enough.

    At this point I feel like the relationship is dead, but if she won't meet with me I don't even know how to break it off. I don't want to break up in the first place, but I already had a heart to heart about the issue and she has blown it off.

    Edit: This sounds really obvious from an outsider perspective, but she regularly reassures me that she loves me and how scared she is I will dump her. I can't tell if it is a gaslight or she is just being really dumb about the whole thing.
    How old are you guys? She may just be... very young. Maybe she's sincere, and simply being awfully bad at a few things.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Sounds to me like it could just be a case of the 'honeymoon period' in the relationship ending. You start off spending a ton of time together and when things inevitably slow down and you see each other a little less constantly you wind up feeling like things are going wrong. That and the issues you've mentioned her having could mean it's just her being bad at communication plus you assuming the worst because you're used to spending more time with her. Or heck, maybe she's just had a busy time the last few weeks. I wouldn't write things off just yet, especially since you're seeing her next weekend.
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    Quote Originally Posted by lio45 View Post
    How old are you guys? She may just be... very young. Maybe she's sincere, and simply being awfully bad at a few things.
    She's 25, I am 29.

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    Sounds to me like it could just be a case of the 'honeymoon period' in the relationship ending. You start off spending a ton of time together and when things inevitably slow down and you see each other a little less constantly you wind up feeling like things are going wrong. That and the issues you've mentioned her having could mean it's just her being bad at communication plus you assuming the worst because you're used to spending more time with her. Or heck, maybe she's just had a busy time the last few weeks. I wouldn't write things off just yet, especially since you're seeing her next weekend.
    Okay. I'll try not to work myself up into a pique of melodrama.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Iíve hated every job Iíve ever had and will probably hate any replacement job I get, and the government job I have now wonít give me full retirement for another 32 years (I have worked one year and the retirement formula is XP0.03, where X is the number of years worked, P is final pay, and 0.03 is the multiplier). I am looking at shooting for a promotion to have a better retirement, but just accomplishing the minimum at work is a real struggle since Iím deeply exhausted 24/7 and plain burnt out.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Yesterday I found out that my teacher died. A wonderful man, old-school stuntsman. He taught me all I could learn about fencing, dancing, and dealing with horses. Never refused to help when his students asked him. I miss him already.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Zhentarim View Post
    Iíve hated every job Iíve ever had and will probably hate any replacement job I get, and the government job I have now wonít give me full retirement for another 32 years (I have worked one year and the retirement formula is XP0.03, where X is the number of years worked, P is final pay, and 0.03 is the multiplier). I am looking at shooting for a promotion to have a better retirement, but just accomplishing the minimum at work is a real struggle since Iím deeply exhausted 24/7 and plain burnt out.
    Is that the formula for your pension? Because it looks like a 3% defined benefit pension which is frankly crazy good. Practically no one gives that type of pension anymore.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    Is that the formula for your pension? Because it looks like a 3% defined benefit pension which is frankly crazy good. Practically no one gives that type of pension anymore.
    Yes. I was shocked myself. Thatís why Iím staying with the governmentónobody gives that kind of pension anymore. I just donít like the work.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    So I am in the first relationship to last more then three months, and I'm fairly certain it is dead.

    My girlfriend and I spent every weekend of January and February together, we were talking about moving in together and things seemed to be going well. Then in March she started slamming breaks, we spent o ly two weekends together (the first and last weekend of the month.) The last weekend of March she basically ignored me the whole weekend, hanging out with her roommate and got me to move furniture instead. By Saturday night I was furious and withdrew a bit, went to bed early to calm down (my mom is abusive and I really don't like yelling.)

    The next morning she wanted to know if I was breaking up with her, she brought up her abandonment issues and told me how withdrawn I was. I told her I was hurt that she wasn't spending time with me or prioritizing us when we did spend time together.

    The three weekends since she has blocked my attempts to meet, either telling me she was to busy or cancelling at the last minute. She agreed to meet next weekend and is suddenly bombarding me with lovey messages about how funny I am and how much she likes me. It will be seven weeks since we spent actual time together, and a month since I said she wasn't prioritizing our relationship enough.

    At this point I feel like the relationship is dead, but if she won't meet with me I don't even know how to break it off. I don't want to break up in the first place, but I already had a heart to heart about the issue and she has blown it off.

    Edit: This sounds really obvious from an outsider perspective, but she regularly reassures me that she loves me and how scared she is I will dump her. I can't tell if it is a gaslight or she is just being really dumb about the whole thing.
    Right, so take this with a massive grain of salt, and I'm NOT SAYING THIS IS THE ACTUAL TRUTH...

    ...but what you're describing is very reminiscent to me of someone going through bipolar or fluctuating depressive episodes. Moving from great, to temporarily withdrawn, to lovey-dovey, to stressed, and avoiding contact during the worst times. I've been there, myself, when my depression wasn't yet managed.

    Now this could indeed be that she has a mental condition that's playing into it, but even neurotypical folks have episodes like this at times, especially those with other issues (like her abandonment issues).

    Suffice it to say that what's happened so far, while it's definitely something to keep an eye on and, when you can, discuss, is not out of the ordinary for normal human behaviour with someone you like.

    Additionally, not seeing each other for a few weeks (I assume there's distance between you) is pretty normal, though less common in the early relationship like this. The lack of communication during that time is a bit weird, but explainable if stress is the cause.

    My advice? When you get together this weekend, ask her what's up. DON'T voice it as concern for the relationship, but concern for her, since she's seemed really busy and stressed lately, and you haven't seen each other for a while, and you want to know if things are alright, and if she's okay. This should get you past the initial abandonment reaction.

    (Also make sure you're not pushing too much pressure at her during the times when she can't get together. Sometimes abandonment issues and commitment issues go hand in hand, so someone can read "I really want to see you, we haven't in a while" as high pressure and it can trigger their commitment reactions. If she cancels on you, be disappointed, but accepting. She's an adult with a life, after all, as are you. And try to express that disappointment in a way that gives her choice in things, like "Whenever you're able, I'd love to see you.")

    But also watch how things go, and be aware of your own feelings and needs. It's possible this is weird gaslighting, but it's just impossible to say yet.

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    furious Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Work at my job picks up every two months; May is one of those months. For the past 6 years, my wife and I have gone to a Beltane event that occurs mid-May. Two year ago (my first at my job) and last year, I ended up having training the Friday of the Beltane weekend, so didn't get to the event until late Friday. This year, I was determined to get there Thursday to able to do the entire event.

    I don't know my May schedule until the end of April. Since the last time I asked for 2 days off during a heavy month (November 2017, for a Samhein event), I got talked to by my boss, I decided the best thing to do would be wait and confirm that I wouldn't have anything that Thursday or Friday before asking for the days off.

    I got scheduled for work that Friday morning. Asking around, I got someone to cover for me, so thought I was good to ask for the time off. Nope, I got something else that morning, and the person who is covering for me does not have the certifications to cover both jobs. There is no one else who can cover for me. (Two people are in training. One person also has an event that day. The boss won't do those events. The last guy is the one who can't cover for me.)

    So now, I have to hang around until Friday (rather than leaving Thursday morning), for the off chance I may have to do a 15 minute thing that may or may not happen. And since the job won't know until 8:10 if I have to do it, the event is at 8:30, and I live 30 minutes from work, there is a real chance I will have to drive in (missing all of Thursday and half of Friday) for nothing.

    I am so furious. I tried to do the right thing, and I'm getting messed over for it.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kesnit View Post
    Work at my job picks up every two months; May is one of those months. For the past 6 years, my wife and I have gone to a Beltane event that occurs mid-May. Two year ago (my first at my job) and last year, I ended up having training the Friday of the Beltane weekend, so didn't get to the event until late Friday. This year, I was determined to get there Thursday to able to do the entire event.

    I don't know my May schedule until the end of April. Since the last time I asked for 2 days off during a heavy month (November 2017, for a Samhein event), I got talked to by my boss, I decided the best thing to do would be wait and confirm that I wouldn't have anything that Thursday or Friday before asking for the days off.

    I got scheduled for work that Friday morning. Asking around, I got someone to cover for me, so thought I was good to ask for the time off. Nope, I got something else that morning, and the person who is covering for me does not have the certifications to cover both jobs. There is no one else who can cover for me. (Two people are in training. One person also has an event that day. The boss won't do those events. The last guy is the one who can't cover for me.)

    So now, I have to hang around until Friday (rather than leaving Thursday morning), for the off chance I may have to do a 15 minute thing that may or may not happen. And since the job won't know until 8:10 if I have to do it, the event is at 8:30, and I live 30 minutes from work, there is a real chance I will have to drive in (missing all of Thursday and half of Friday) for nothing.

    I am so furious. I tried to do the right thing, and I'm getting messed over for it.
    Always ask for time off as far in advance as possible. Maybe not asking NOW for next May but far enough in advance so schedules can be made with that taken into account.

    I'm curious as to why your boss would have been upset that you asked in advance the time before that. Unless there's some sort of policy of NOT taking vacation during the heavy months. That's a separate issue then and if so you're at the mercy of their scheduling.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    So I am in the first relationship to last more then three months, and I'm fairly certain it is dead.

    My girlfriend and I spent every weekend of January and February together, we were talking about moving in together and things seemed to be going well. Then in March she started slamming breaks, we spent o ly two weekends together (the first and last weekend of the month.) The last weekend of March she basically ignored me the whole weekend, hanging out with her roommate and got me to move furniture instead. By Saturday night I was furious and withdrew a bit, went to bed early to calm down (my mom is abusive and I really don't like yelling.)

    The next morning she wanted to know if I was breaking up with her, she brought up her abandonment issues and told me how withdrawn I was. I told her I was hurt that she wasn't spending time with me or prioritizing us when we did spend time together.

    The three weekends since she has blocked my attempts to meet, either telling me she was to busy or cancelling at the last minute. She agreed to meet next weekend and is suddenly bombarding me with lovey messages about how funny I am and how much she likes me. It will be seven weeks since we spent actual time together, and a month since I said she wasn't prioritizing our relationship enough.

    At this point I feel like the relationship is dead, but if she won't meet with me I don't even know how to break it off. I don't want to break up in the first place, but I already had a heart to heart about the issue and she has blown it off.

    Edit: This sounds really obvious from an outsider perspective, but she regularly reassures me that she loves me and how scared she is I will dump her. I can't tell if it is a gaslight or she is just being really dumb about the whole thing.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    I'm curious as to why your boss would have been upset that you asked in advance the time before that. Unless there's some sort of policy of NOT taking vacation during the heavy months. That's a separate issue then and if so you're at the mercy of their scheduling.
    It is very much frowned upon to ask for 2 days in a heavy month before the schedule comes out. My boss let me do it last time because (1) I was new and didn't know, and (2) because I was new, I didn't have as much that needed to be scheduled.

    Next year, there is a good chance that the training I took last year will be on the Friday of Beltane. (My two co-workers that are in training are taking the training I did last year.) My job requires a certain number of certain types of training hours every 2 years, those hours are not always easy to come by, and this all-day training completes the hours. (Oh, and it's free.) If I don't take the training, I have to find my own training hours and pay for them.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Kesnit View Post
    It is very much frowned upon to ask for 2 days in a heavy month before the schedule comes out. My boss let me do it last time because (1) I was new and didn't know, and (2) because I was new, I didn't have as much that needed to be scheduled.
    But is it ok to ask after the schedule comes out? I guess only if you have nothing scheduled there?

    Next year, there is a good chance that the training I took last year will be on the Friday of Beltane. (My two co-workers that are in training are taking the training I did last year.) My job requires a certain number of certain types of training hours every 2 years, those hours are not always easy to come by, and this all-day training completes the hours. (Oh, and it's free.) If I don't take the training, I have to find my own training hours and pay for them.
    I mean I guess this is just unfortunate scheduling but if you can't arrange them to change it, you're more or less stuck with it then right? Nothing to do about it. Certainly reasonable to be upset about it of course. Thing is, with enough advance warning you'd think they could change the training day...

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    But is it ok to ask after the schedule comes out? I guess only if you have nothing scheduled there?
    Yes. I have some control over the schedule, and made a point of not scheduling anything those days. It was only after that I found out that I got schedule for some recurring work.

    Thing is, with enough advance warning you'd think they could change the training day...
    The training is state-wide training, and our office has no control over the day. I suspect I am the only person in the state who (1) wants that training, and (2) wants to go this Beltane festival.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Update on my relationship melodrama:

    I stayed over last weekend, it went fairly well. Her roommate walked in Saturday afternoon and then stuck around for several hours after I went to bed, leaving around 3AM. My girlfriend was basically unconcious Sunday from staying up all night Saturday with the roommate, so I went home around noon.

    Apparently my girlfriend promised her roommate they would spend this weekend together, because the roommate was lonely. They live together, and I had not seen GF in a month and the roommate jumped in on the one weekend I did see GF. So I'm shunted into the vague future again.

    It feels like my options are a confrontation that is going to feel clingy and controlling about the roommate, or putting some emotional distance between us.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I'd say it sounds like you both just have different ideas of how much space should exist in a relationship. She's okay with spending that amount of time with you that frequently, seems like you ain't. Putting emotional distance is just a recipe for making yourself more unhappy (and basically putting yourself on the track to a breakup without committing to it), but I also wouldn't make it a 'confrontation' about her roommate. It's probably time to talk to her about what you both want/need out of a relationship and whether your respective wants/needs align. Doesn't have to be confrontational or about anybody but you and her, but if it's really messing with you that much, the best thing you can do is just talk to her about it.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Hi, does anyone have advice on dealing with a friend whose thinking is very black and white and gets angry when you disagree with them? He has autism and bipolar disorder and I have autism and anxiety. How I deal with my anxiety I think is that I come across as laid back, but I also feel that it makes me come across like I donít care about certain issues which I do, I just donít like to get upset overthinking things, which can throw me into severe bouts of depression. I think my coping mechanism irritates my friend and this becomes particularly apparent when we disagree on stuff because he starts raising his voice at me and I tend to shut down or avoid the confrontation. I donít feel this is healthy at all and just want some outside input on the situation.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Solamnicknight View Post
    Hi, does anyone have advice on dealing with a friend whose thinking is very black and white and gets angry when you disagree with them? He has autism and bipolar disorder and I have autism and anxiety. How I deal with my anxiety I think is that I come across as laid back, but I also feel that it makes me come across like I donít care about certain issues which I do, I just donít like to get upset overthinking things, which can throw me into severe bouts of depression. I think my coping mechanism irritates my friend and this becomes particularly apparent when we disagree on stuff because he starts raising his voice at me and I tend to shut down or avoid the confrontation. I donít feel this is healthy at all and just want some outside input on the situation.
    is the friend willing to take some steps to make things easier on you if you ask them?
    would they be willing to try to avoid upsetting you/raising their voice?
    or at least willing to agree to a deal whereby all contentious topics are avoided, and if one is raised either can simply note it's contentious and it will be dropped entirely?

    have you asked them whether it actually irritates them? maybe the actual irritation is something else; or they'd simply understand if you describe your problem to them.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by zlefin View Post
    is the friend willing to take some steps to make things easier on you if you ask them?
    would they be willing to try to avoid upsetting you/raising their voice?
    or at least willing to agree to a deal whereby all contentious topics are avoided, and if one is raised either can simply note it's contentious and it will be dropped entirely?

    have you asked them whether it actually irritates them? maybe the actual irritation is something else; or they'd simply understand if you describe your problem to them.
    Iím going to talk to him and just make sure everything is cool, and let him know how Iíve been feeling. Iíve been stressed, Iím going into an exciting new job and Iím figuring things out about myself at the same time so thatís been nerve-wracking. Thanks for the advice!

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Solamnicknight View Post
    Hi, does anyone have advice on dealing with a friend whose thinking is very black and white and gets angry when you disagree with them? He has autism and bipolar disorder and I have autism and anxiety. How I deal with my anxiety I think is that I come across as laid back, but I also feel that it makes me come across like I donít care about certain issues which I do, I just donít like to get upset overthinking things, which can throw me into severe bouts of depression. I think my coping mechanism irritates my friend and this becomes particularly apparent when we disagree on stuff because he starts raising his voice at me and I tend to shut down or avoid the confrontation. I donít feel this is healthy at all and just want some outside input on the situation.
    There is this famous gentleman named Daryl Davis who makes friends with people from hate groups via listening to them. After he listens he then changes their minds about hating people. I would look him up and use his advice on how to talk to people with different opinions (as I think that he would be a grandmaster at the subject).

    Hear his side of things and let him know your side of things. Let him know that there are different ways of looking at things, and that this is a needed component of human technological advancement and biological evolution (evolution does not always mean better). If everyone thought the same, then we would not have all the specialization and technological improvement that we all benefit from. Some of us are curious about others, and this leads towards cooperation and advancement of ideas. Some are suspicious of others and this leads towards protection and stability. Some think with pure logic, and some think with pure emotion. We need scientists and we also need kindergarten teachers. We have different people with different abilities in order to thrive. Different types of people all think differently and all these people have different most "correct" answers to how to do things.

    My sister-in-law does not poses a high capacity for logical thinking, and so she uses memorization to remember how things work. This sounds dreadful to me. I have a high capacity for logical-thinking so I do not memorize how things work. She is better at memorization than I am, and I am better at troubleshooting than she is. We both get the thing to work. We both used our most "correct" answer. If someone wanted me to memorize a bunch of things that I could just figure out when I needed to, then I would want to beat my head against the wall. Pilots and surgeons use checklists so that they do not have to memorize everything (this works better for them, rather then memorizing the list). I bet that when surgeons and pilots go grocery shopping without a list that they forget things. I know I do.

    In fact folks with autism are in vogue just now as IQ (logical problem-solving) is useful in computer programing and engineering. You know the archetypal absent-minded nerd scientist (now considered to be a much more positive collection of traits than in the past, because money). I propose that one reason for the uptick in autism is the switch in the thinking of what intelligence is (via selective breeding). Intelligence was once primarily measured by ones vocabulary (and showing off ones vocabulary via talking in social situations). Now intelligence is measured primarily by IQ (no need to talk to anyone, and there is a lot less focus on social skills). Not that this is right or correct, it just is. I know several folks with autism and two are quite successful engineers that earn copious amounts of money. Autism folks earning this kind of money would have been LESS possible in the past as computers DRIMATICALLY changed how useful (in demand) people with autism are. So once folks with autism were once less useful because of the circumstances. The most "correct" answer changed. The most "correct" answer often changes.

    Basically the Army is largely/wholly responsible for IQ being a thing. The US Army is also largely responsible for computers, the internet, and the demand for engineers and computer programmers. I think that the US Army triggered Autism's rise. Also perhaps IQ being more important than talking (in measuring intelligence) sparked the breakdown in polite political debate in the US (enough talking, we will use <our> logic!). All caused by WWII.

    I have Autism. When I am frustrated I can sometimes become loud. I am not angry. People tend to have a distinct confusion between the two.
    Last edited by darkrose50; 2019-05-14 at 12:16 PM.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I'm on the autism spectrum, and I sometimes have issues controlling my tone of voice as well as volume. Sometimes I'm like a tiny squeaky mouse, but another day I'M THE LOUDEST PERSON ON CAMPUS. I'm just completely unaware of my volume most of the time, and my tone of voice might be completely wrong, because I mix up what is appropriate for what social interaction. However, Solamnicknight, I can relate to you, as I get anxiety easily. Sometimes my own actions scare me. And when someone gets mad at me or raises their voice suddenly, I go into an anxiety filled spiral. It makes me very scared, I suppose? In general, I'm nowadays able to tell people when I get a little scared of them or don't understand what they mean, but there's still folk that I'm too scared to confront.

    This probably wasn't advice, but I just want you to know you're not alone.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    I'd say it sounds like you both just have different ideas of how much space should exist in a relationship. She's okay with spending that amount of time with you that frequently, seems like you ain't. Putting emotional distance is just a recipe for making yourself more unhappy (and basically putting yourself on the track to a breakup without committing to it), but I also wouldn't make it a 'confrontation' about her roommate. It's probably time to talk to her about what you both want/need out of a relationship and whether your respective wants/needs align. Doesn't have to be confrontational or about anybody but you and her, but if it's really messing with you that much, the best thing you can do is just talk to her about it.
    I did, last time we saw each other. A few days before I got told that the 1/month I see her now was too much for her roommate, and she felt like she was having to choose.

    I'm feeling a lot better about it now actually. I realized during a phone call that she is afraid telling me no will lead to us breaking up (see abandonment issues above), so when I float spending more time together or any sort of commitment she says yes and then becomes dodgy about particulars.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    I'm on the autism spectrum, and I sometimes have issues controlling my tone of voice as well as volume. Sometimes I'm like a tiny squeaky mouse, but another day I'M THE LOUDEST PERSON ON CAMPUS. I'm just completely unaware of my volume most of the time, and my tone of voice might be completely wrong, because I mix up what is appropriate for what social interaction. However, Solamnicknight, I can relate to you, as I get anxiety easily. Sometimes my own actions scare me. And when someone gets mad at me or raises their voice suddenly, I go into an anxiety filled spiral. It makes me very scared, I suppose? In general, I'm nowadays able to tell people when I get a little scared of them or don't understand what they mean, but there's still folk that I'm too scared to confront.

    This probably wasn't advice, but I just want you to know you're not alone.
    Thank you, I talked to him. Though what you said might be helpful as well, I think I might want to mention how him getting angry and raising his voice is problematic with my anxiety.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Solamnicknight View Post
    Thank you, I talked to him. Though what you said might be helpful as well, I think I might want to mention how him getting angry and raising his voice is problematic with my anxiety.
    It's good to use neutral language when approaching the subject. Avoid blaming sentences, like "you're making me anxious", and instead say something along the lines of "when you raise your voice, I'm not quite sure what you mean. It makes me feel a bit anxious not knowing." Of course, I don't know exactly what makes your anxiety rise when someone raises their voice, but I'm sort of giving an example base on how I get anxiety when someone raises their voice: I'm not sure what they mean, and I'm scared that they're angry about something I might have done wrong. Try to think what exactly makes you have that feeling of anxiety. I find that when you figure out how your certain emotions are formed, it makes it a bit easier to express myself.

    Personally, quite often I have to go through scenarios in my mind before I talk about something that bothers me, because I want to make sure that I'm not misunderstood. Of course, that happens, but that's a learning curve of its own, trying to accept that I can't do everything perfect.
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