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  1. - Top - End - #271
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So it turns out, after me getting very irritated with a therapist, that I have ADHD....

    How did you find that out for sure?
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  2. - Top - End - #272
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    How did you find that out for sure?
    Chewing out people until someone finally agreed to let me see a psychiatrist and actually screen for ADHD rather than just giving me the same old lecture on anxiety?
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  3. - Top - End - #273
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    WolfInSheepsClothing

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Chewing out people until someone finally agreed to let me see a psychiatrist and actually screen for ADHD rather than just giving me the same old lecture on anxiety?
    *Pulls up a folding-chair and sits down all backwards like you do when explaining stuff.*

    Some ADHD medications are magic. They will focus you to an amazing point.

    I have ADHD, and was able to work a 90-hour-week with only occasional hallucinations (well one . . . at the end of the week I saw a bolder while walking between the garage and the house). I was a money-making machine that week (the busy time of the year for us).

    On vacation housekeeping stole my ADHD medication. Evidently the kids buy/sell them for ~$3 a pill (the housekeeper stole like $150-$200 in street value worth of pills). They let you stay up all night and study with focus. Well evidently they work differently on different people (those without ADHD, those with ADHD, and everything in between), so mostly don't become too concerned that you will be up all night, and never sleep. You only will not-sleep if you take too much too late at night . . . so don't do that.

    Also . . . you know . . . meth adjacent . . . but you know . . . medical meth. Not nearly as bad at the medical heroin, and it has been around a lot longer (and no waves of addicted people dying). It is still a controlled substance. So there is that.

    Definitely do not double dose . . . you will hear voices. I did once on accident, and thought voices were coming though the vents. Very interesting stuff.

    Also it is totally illegal in Japan . . . so you would need to get special permission to bring the medication into the country.

    All-in-all a good deal to not be distracted by squirrels like that dog in Disney's Up. Your work performance will likely skyrocket.
    Last edited by darkrose50; 2019-08-21 at 09:12 AM.

  4. - Top - End - #274
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Chewing out people until someone finally agreed to let me see a psychiatrist and actually screen for ADHD rather than just giving me the same old lecture on anxiety?

    So you had an idea that you may have been suffering from it before, how?

  5. - Top - End - #275
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    So you had an idea that you may have been suffering from it before, how?
    Friend/old roommate who has it has pointed out I have a lot of the same symptoms. And I'd' kind of already figured that there was some stuff that just didn't work for me that seems to work for everyone else, and when I'd gone looking for other solutions it turns out a lot of them are good solutions for people with ADHD.* And then I started googling for symptoms and found out that (1) a lot of mine matched, especially when you take into account gender presentation differences, and (2) it's apparently really amazingly common for the initial diagnosis to be anxiety.

    *Special mention here to a blog called "a slob comes clean" and a bit of cleaning/organization help that's much more focused around people with attention problems. Like, stop thinking about where something ought to go, observe where it usually ends up, and then put storage there.
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  6. - Top - End - #276
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    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Friend/old roommate who has it has pointed out I have a lot of the same symptoms. And I'd' kind of already figured that there was some stuff that just didn't work for me that seems to work for everyone else, and when I'd gone looking for other solutions it turns out a lot of them are good solutions for people with ADHD.* And then I started googling for symptoms and found out that (1) a lot of mine matched, especially when you take into account gender presentation differences, and (2) it's apparently really amazingly common for the initial diagnosis to be anxiety.

    *Special mention here to a blog called "a slob comes clean" and a bit of cleaning/organization help that's much more focused around people with attention problems. Like, stop thinking about where something ought to go, observe where it usually ends up, and then put storage there.
    Huh. Yeah, that makes a fair amount of sense. I've known a few people with ADHD, so I know that in adults it gets misdiagnosed as anxiety a lot.

    Some of my prior noncompliance symptoms were probably also ADHD related. Some of it's stuff like repeatedly losing homework from therapy or forgetting it.
    I know that when I figured out that my own issues were OCD related, I started to see the patterns in my previous behaviour. It really helped me come to terms with a lot of things that were previously unexplained and stressful because of it.

    Good for you, though! Both in going in to see someone (which must have been hard) and having a plan to move forward. I hope that this diagnosis and medication (you may need to go through a few meds before you find the right one, but hopefully it's fast) helps you get to a better place to deal with the other stressors in your life as well.

  7. - Top - End - #277
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    That's pretty similar how i figured out my Asperger's was an over all thing. Though in my case it was a documentary on mental issues. I watched once or twice for fun, with a few comments on the lines of "Huh, I do some of that stuff." Eventually it clicked, and I just had to go back and watch that section again. "Man, I do a ton of that stuff don't I!"
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    I think I'm going to defer to his wiser judgment in this case, because I'm probably going to keep writing responses and that will only lead to me getting myself in trouble somehow.
    - I should follow this advice more often.

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  8. - Top - End - #278
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    We got a diagnosis from a therapist that mom insists was not actually a therapist (piss in my ear and tell me it's raining why don'tcha)

    My mother later found a book on aspergers and said "this is literally you [HalfTangible]."

    I read the book and agreed, this is literally me.
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    Everything is going according to plan. And by that I mean the plan has changed like 3 times in the last year but now I have it written down and the new plan is going well!.

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  9. - Top - End - #279
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    The problem with celibacy as opposed to asexuality is that even though you (mentally and emotionally) don't want a relationship, you still (physically and emotionally) want a relationship. It's annoying and I hate it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Everything is going according to plan. And by that I mean the plan has changed like 3 times in the last year but now I have it written down and the new plan is going well!.

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  10. - Top - End - #280
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    The problem with celibacy as opposed to asexuality is that even though you (mentally and emotionally) don't want a relationship, you still (physically and emotionally) want a relationship. It's annoying and I hate it.
    That sounds difficult to go through. I don't know what to do with the physical issue, but certainly friendship helps with the companionship.
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  11. - Top - End - #281
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    So bit of an odd situation here. I have a semi-friend who I sometimes like but who also seriously gets on my nerves at times. He's also provoked a fair few mental health issues with me. Because of this I'd been trying to create some distance and some boundaries to stop further incidents.

    Then I had a major panic attack/ general mental breakdown. During said mental breakdown, I sent him a bunch of texts apologizing to him for me being emotionally toxic and hurting his feelings. I was not particularly coherent and I was blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life. He unfortunately took those texts as absolutely sincere.

    How in the world do I walk this back? "Sorry I was victim blaming myself during a panic attack when I sent that. I really believe that you're the one to blame here."

  12. - Top - End - #282
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    Kobold

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    In February of this year, I was in a car accident. I was stopped at a light. It turned green. As normal, two cars in the opposing left hand turn went through it. I started through the light. As I was halfway through, the other car ran the red left turn light, narrowly avoided the front end of the car in the lane next two me and slammed into the side of my car.

    My car was ruined. The entire front end side was caved in. My airbags deployed. I got out and went to check to see if the other driver was okay.

    She was young and obviously shaken. She explained that she was looking at her phone for directions and didn't know she had gone through the red light. That changed to "thought she was okay to make it" later on. She seemed physically okay though. I called 911 and reported the accident.

    Eventually the cops showed up, then the fire department. Then tow trucks. All the set pieces. I called my wife to come get me. As we waited I talked to the young woman. She was scared. She had only liability and wanted to know if that would fix her car. I explained what liability insurance was. She didn't know how she was going to get to work. Her boyfriend wouldn't come get her. She had no family.

    I felt bad for her. I explained to her how to use the Phoenix Bus System. I asked where she lived and where she worked and showed her the bus routes between them. I tried to make her feel okay about it.

    When the police came, she admitted her fault. We explained the accident to him. He filed his report. I got her insurance and filed a claim for my car while we waited.

    Days passed. I kept calling her insurance. They kept telling me they hadn't been able to get a hold of their insured. After a week, I received a letter that my car would be forfeit if I didn't get it from the tow yard. I had no place to store it. I ended up having to file a claim on my own insurance so that I could move this forward. My car was totaled. I received enough money (barely) to pay it off.

    Instead of having a car for trade in value, and a car for a few years post car payments, I ended up at square one like I was with I was 18.

    I filed a DOI complaint against the adverse carrier. My insurance company said they would subrogate and, if the other insurance company was at fault, it wouldn't affect my rates.

    Now, 6 months later, I received a letter from the DOI. Thankfully, its the only windows I have into what happened.

    The young woman cancelled her policy, ducked calls. Her insurance company finally got a hold of her a full 14 days after I last talked to them and she lied to make it seem like it wasn't her fault. Her insurance company got a hold of the police report. It took until June before they admitted fault. They admitted fault but only paid my insurance company a portion of the cost they paid me. Oh well. It shouldn't affect my rates I guess.

    I felt sorry for that young woman. Now, I don't. I hope she lost her job. I hope she lost her apartment. I hope she lost her boyfriend. I hope she's homeless, scared, alone and suffering.
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  13. - Top - End - #283
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    OldWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    So bit of an odd situation here. I have a semi-friend who I sometimes like but who also seriously gets on my nerves at times. He's also provoked a fair few mental health issues with me. Because of this I'd been trying to create some distance and some boundaries to stop further incidents.

    Then I had a major panic attack/ general mental breakdown. During said mental breakdown, I sent him a bunch of texts apologizing to him for me being emotionally toxic and hurting his feelings. I was not particularly coherent and I was blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life. He unfortunately took those texts as absolutely sincere.

    How in the world do I walk this back? "Sorry I was victim blaming myself during a panic attack when I sent that. I really believe that you're the one to blame here."
    I don't think you need to place any blame here. Just say "Hey, I was having a pretty bad panic attack when I sent those texts. They don't represent my real feelings; please just pretend I didn't send them."

    You can also just say things like "I've been having a rough time lately, and need to withdraw a bit to focus on myself and my health" without saying "I need to withdraw from you". Keep the message focused on yourself, not on what the friend did or didn't do.

    IMHO, since I don't know exactly what you said.

  14. - Top - End - #284
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    GnomeWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Sermil View Post
    I don't think you need to place any blame here. Just say "Hey, I was having a pretty bad panic attack when I sent those texts. They don't represent my real feelings; please just pretend I didn't send them."

    You can also just say things like "I've been having a rough time lately, and need to withdraw a bit to focus on myself and my health" without saying "I need to withdraw from you". Keep the message focused on yourself, not on what the friend did or didn't do.

    IMHO, since I don't know exactly what you said.
    Much better advice than anything I could think of. While this isn't my issue, I also try and absorb advice given to others here both to help curate my own advice, and to help with my own issues in life. Especially when I am stuck on what to say to other people.

  15. - Top - End - #285
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    RogueGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gallowglass View Post
    I was in a car accident. -snip-
    That sounds exceedingly like a pain in the butt, at least you got some resolution out of it. My fun out of context accident story is as follows. Because of the city where I live , my last accident was listed on the insurance paperwork as being rear-ended by non-moving city property of which I was not at fault for. Its basically the excuse a drunk would make when saying "The tree just jumped out at me!"

    What happened is that we had just had a 1 and a half ft blizzard, and I was headed into work. (Its Colorado normal weather. I don't stay home until there's almost three ft.) The light at a 4 way stop just turned green and I started moving, with a city plow behind me. Suddenly A red Pickup barreled through the cross ways traffic, would have killed me if I had been a bit forward. I stop in time, but the plow behind me couldn't stop. It was a mounted onto a large dump truck, and there was zero traction there. Cut a large line through my whole tailgate. Anyway, It turns out that the cities insurance policy/local laws state that any slow/stopping city vehicle (Plow, Dump Truck, City bus etc) moving slow during its regular duties (plowing, picking up trash, picking up passengers) and is involved in an accident It is considered "non-moving city property" because it cannot be held liable for doing its normal job. Luckily, it worked out for me and though it took almost 6 months because every auto-body place in the city was swamped the city did repair it. The only really annoying thing about it was no one got the info of the guy in the red pickup.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sermil View Post
    I don't think you need to place any blame here. Just say "Hey, I was having a pretty bad panic attack when I sent those texts. They don't represent my real feelings; please just pretend I didn't send them."

    You can also just say things like "I've been having a rough time lately, and need to withdraw a bit to focus on myself and my health" without saying "I need to withdraw from you". Keep the message focused on yourself, not on what the friend did or didn't do.

    IMHO, since I don't know exactly what you said.
    Going to also third the suggestion of saying withdrawing without mentioning that last bit.
    Now, Back to Lurking!
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    I think I'm going to defer to his wiser judgment in this case, because I'm probably going to keep writing responses and that will only lead to me getting myself in trouble somehow.
    - I should follow this advice more often.

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  16. - Top - End - #286
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    So... with my job issues, I feel like there's some things that I didn't understand properly that make my coworker a little less frustrating.

    Firstly, he is not a trainer. In fact this job has no training. You're just sort of tossed into the thick of it to figure it out. If that seems cruel, I'm told that it's pretty common in trade professions to handle things that way. So he in actuality had every right to be frustrated and not willing to help me out, because in truth, that is not his job. I know that I gave an account that suggested that it was, but that was my misunderstanding and mistake.

    After I turned in my two weeks, my manager actually talked me out of quitting though. We'll see if I can make it to three months.
    Last edited by The Fury; 2019-09-06 at 09:50 PM.
    Iop brain.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by The Fury View Post
    So... with my job issues, I feel like there's some things that I didn't understand properly that make my coworker a little less frustrating.

    Firstly, he is not a trainer. In fact this job has no training. You're just sort of tossed into the thick of it to figure it out. If that seems cruel, I'm told that it's pretty common in trade professions to handle things that way. So he in actuality had every right to be frustrated and not willing to help me out, because in truth, that is not his job. I know that I gave an account that suggested that it was, but that was my misunderstanding and mistake.

    After I turned in my two weeks, my manager actually talked me out of quitting though. We'll see if I can make it to three months.
    This 'no training' policy is completely idiotic and you can hardly be blamed for assuming you would recieve some kind of introduction to your tasks. Especially for trade professions it seems weird.

    Looking on the bright side, your manager is apparently satisfied with your performance. You are not a dead weight he wants to get rid of. Instead he took the effort to talk you into staying. Keep at it!
    A number of people I know (myself included) felt quite overwhelmed when starting a job and thought about quitting. It gets better.


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  18. - Top - End - #288
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Iruka View Post
    This 'no training' policy is completely idiotic and you can hardly be blamed for assuming you would recieve some kind of introduction to your tasks. Especially for trade professions it seems weird.
    It can make sense in its own twisted sort of way. Even if you need people, you need the right people. Throwing someone in to see what they can do seems... maybe not a great way, but a way of figuring it out. I was hoping for more instruction than "this is how the timeclock works" though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Iruka View Post
    Looking on the bright side, your manager is apparently satisfied with your performance. You are not a dead weight he wants to get rid of. Instead he took the effort to talk you into staying. Keep at it!
    A number of people I know (myself included) felt quite overwhelmed when starting a job and thought about quitting. It gets better.
    Yes and no. I'm getting better at some things, though I still get made fun of for not knowing stuff. I'm still pretty weak on what manufacturer-specific jargon I should understand, and what industry-specific jargon only a few other people understand.
    Iop brain.

  19. - Top - End - #289
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    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by The Fury View Post
    So... with my job issues, I feel like there's some things that I didn't understand properly that make my coworker a little less frustrating.

    Firstly, he is not a trainer. In fact this job has no training. You're just sort of tossed into the thick of it to figure it out. If that seems cruel, I'm told that it's pretty common in trade professions to handle things that way. So he in actuality had every right to be frustrated and not willing to help me out, because in truth, that is not his job. I know that I gave an account that suggested that it was, but that was my misunderstanding and mistake.
    That does make a lot more sense. I assume this wasn't something he had much notice for, or experience with. He may not be great with people. In this case, please redirect my frustration towards the employer, rather than the coworker, for giving no training.

    As for how common that is in trades professions? In my experience, trades don't just throw you into the deep end, but that's because most trades around here are structured in a journeyman/apprentice sort of fashion. If yours isn't, then I'm not sure what the standard is, but basic safety training at a minimum seems like it would be mandatory.

    Quote Originally Posted by Iruka View Post
    Looking on the bright side, your manager is apparently satisfied with your performance. You are not a dead weight he wants to get rid of. Instead he took the effort to talk you into staying. Keep at it!
    Quote Originally Posted by The Fury View Post
    Yes and no. I'm getting better at some things, though I still get made fun of for not knowing stuff. I'm still pretty weak on what manufacturer-specific jargon I should understand, and what industry-specific jargon only a few other people understand.
    100% what Iruka said. If you were actually underperforming, in ANY way, the manager would never have tried to convince you to stay. The fact they did means that you're doing fine. Probably better than average, if they actually put in that effort.

    Jargon and knowledge comes with time. And unfortunately, hazing the new person comes hand in hand with a lot of trades jobs. Asking the new employee to go fetch a "sky hook" or similar object that doesn't exist, solely to make fun of them for wasting time because they don't know the jargon yet, is still very common on construction sites, in the military, and more. (Whether or not it's a fetch quest, it's the same idea.)

    So you should know that this kind of mockery doesn't actually have any bearing on whether or not the coworkers like you. They likely do it to everyone who comes through. It sucks, and is a workplace mentality that it would be great to change, but it's there and it generally doesn't signify anything.

  20. - Top - End - #290
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    How cam I convince myself that I am not a jerk. I spent twenty minutes this morning after doing some volunteer stuff hiding behind a fence after recieving mipd social sanction because I should have picked up/shook out a rug before sweeping. And I could have spent that time talking to anyone. Which really doesnt make me seem like a jerk.

    What kind of makes me feel like a jerk is the patterns in who I talk to and how after the volunteer thing is done I sort of mostly talk to the women I have crushes on (only one man works on staff so it is slightly less dumb). And really it appears I end up having crushes on almost any woman who is near my age that I talk to enough about things that interest me. And I tend to be more concientous about asking questions/discussing things not related to my interests which is good.

    But usually I learn that they are already in a relationship and end up avoiding them because I consider myself an awful person even if they more likely than not had no idea of my idiocy.
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  21. - Top - End - #291
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    GnomeWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    Asking the new employee to go fetch a "sky hook" or similar object that doesn't exist, solely to make fun of them for wasting time because they don't know the jargon yet, is still very common on construction sites, in the military, and more. (Whether or not it's a fetch quest, it's the same idea.)
    That particular joke may backfire when the individual involved starts dealing with cranes...

  22. - Top - End - #292
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    RogueGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    How cam I convince myself that I am not a jerk. I spent twenty minutes this morning after doing some volunteer stuff hiding behind a fence after recieving mipd social sanction because I should have picked up/shook out a rug before sweeping. And I could have spent that time talking to anyone. Which really doesnt make me seem like a jerk.

    What kind of makes me feel like a jerk is the patterns in who I talk to and how after the volunteer thing is done I sort of mostly talk to the women I have crushes on (only one man works on staff so it is slightly less dumb). And really it appears I end up having crushes on almost any woman who is near my age that I talk to enough about things that interest me. And I tend to be more concientous about asking questions/discussing things not related to my interests which is good.

    But usually I learn that they are already in a relationship and end up avoiding them because I consider myself an awful person even if they more likely than not had no idea of my idiocy.
    Luckily for you, in my experience, anyone who asks if they are a jerk usually isn't. Something you could try is to ask someone on the staff (that you trust) if they think you are or not. If they say no, then all is fine, and if they say yes... Then you can ask follow up questions. When did I do it? What could I have done differently? Also, Apologize if you need too.
    Now, Back to Lurking!
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant
    I think I'm going to defer to his wiser judgment in this case, because I'm probably going to keep writing responses and that will only lead to me getting myself in trouble somehow.
    - I should follow this advice more often.

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    How cam I convince myself that I am not a jerk. I spent twenty minutes this morning after doing some volunteer stuff hiding behind a fence after recieving mipd social sanction because I should have picked up/shook out a rug before sweeping. And I could have spent that time talking to anyone. Which really doesnt make me seem like a jerk.

    What kind of makes me feel like a jerk is the patterns in who I talk to and how after the volunteer thing is done I sort of mostly talk to the women I have crushes on (only one man works on staff so it is slightly less dumb). And really it appears I end up having crushes on almost any woman who is near my age that I talk to enough about things that interest me. And I tend to be more concientous about asking questions/discussing things not related to my interests which is good.

    But usually I learn that they are already in a relationship and end up avoiding them because I consider myself an awful person even if they more likely than not had no idea of my idiocy.
    I'm not sure why any of this except disappearing when someone had a boyfriend could be construed as bring a jerk. Everyone likes people who share interests and are happy to see you/engage in conversation with you. That is the basis of most friendships.

    Having a crush on a friend is perfectly normal as well. When you find out they are in a relationship stay friends with them, it will help you make more friends and help you seperate the desire for friendship from the desire for a relationship. The more time you spend being friends with women the better.
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    I'm not sure why any of this except disappearing when someone had a boyfriend could be construed as bring a jerk.
    Honestly even this doesnt need to jerkish behavior as long as you’re reasonable about it. You also need to be honest with yourself. Are you trying to be friends or just looking for a romantic partner. Finding a romantic partner at work/volunteering has a few inherent perils but isnt strictly a problem in and of itself.

  25. - Top - End - #295
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I think sometimes my interest is in finding friends and sometimes I am looking for a romantic partner. I think one thing that makes a difference is that I can usually find what someone else is interested in interesting but it is harder to maintain that interest. So, I guess I want friends to be more interesting than romantic partners? But that isn't necessarily true given that my main friend isn't super interested gaming stuff but she finds most of what I talk about to be interesting.

    In general the reason I tend to withdraw when I could definitely be friends with someone is because of my poor social skills, depression and social anxiety. So with the latest person that happened with I silently freaked out and convinced myself that I shouldn't talk to her because it made me some sort of creep. And to be fair I have acted as a creep at least once during a study abroad program. My reaction to realizing that stupidity involved talking as little as possible and trying to not looking directly at anyone for a week. All the stupidity from that period cost me some potential friendships and good experiences because I avoided everyone connected to that incident to that. And I preemptively blocked one other person that I had a crush on that could have been a friend so I would never be tempted to be a creep and interact with them.

    Truthfully, thinking of all the women I have had crushes on. It makes me feel like a creep.
    DEGENERATION 86: Copy this into your sig and subtract 1 from the degeneration when you first see it. This is an antisocial experiment.

  26. - Top - End - #296
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    In general the reason I tend to withdraw when I could definitely be friends with someone is because of my poor social skills, depression and social anxiety. So with the latest person that happened with I silently freaked out and convinced myself that I shouldn't talk to her because it made me some sort of creep. And to be fair I have acted as a creep at least once during a study abroad program. My reaction to realizing that stupidity involved talking as little as possible and trying to not looking directly at anyone for a week. All the stupidity from that period cost me some potential friendships and good experiences because I avoided everyone connected to that incident to that. And I preemptively blocked one other person that I had a crush on that could have been a friend so I would never be tempted to be a creep and interact with them.

    Truthfully, thinking of all the women I have had crushes on. It makes me feel like a creep.
    When you talk about feeling/being/acting like a 'creep' what exactly do you mean?
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  27. - Top - End - #297
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Most of the time it is just very bad self talk. Feelings of hopelessness and shame telling me that I am a terrible person and that my presence is a blight upon people around me who only tolerate me out of social responsibility. If I am not feeling longwinded I just think people find me/would find me disgusting and that they secretly hate me.

    As for the time I definitely acted as a creep I accept responsibility but will outline the event and the contributing factors of why I did very stupid stuff. What I did was two things. I had a crush on a woman (maybe I should just call the women I have crushes on gals) who was in a study abroad program with me. We were in the more advanced group of seven people so we all new each other. The first and worst stupid thing I did was try and take inappropriate pictures of her. I didn't stray into peeping tom territory but I did take some pictures down her shirt. A few days later I deleted them. The second big thing I did happened when the internet was out and I was being my usual nonsocially connected self. I sent her text messages which were weird, rambling and inappropriate. I don't think I strayed into anything lewd but I certainly stated I had a crush and I at-least referred to the pictures as something stupid I had done. In addition I talked about depression. She talked to the orginizer person about this and how it made her uncomfortable. He talked to me about how what I had done was innapropriate and how if I was dealing with mental health issues I shouldn't bring it up with other students and should talk to him about what help was available. I spent the next five days in a state of intense self loathing. When I came out of it I wanted to talk to her a little about it. Mostly I wanted to say that I wished she had sent a message back before I got to far in asking me to stop. I think I would have. But she did not owe me the courtesy. Things reset to normal for the next several weeks though I did try and avoid spending too much time with her. Near the end of the program I sent some stupid public messages, I think they were about how frustrated I was about something involving this whole incident. I did get told off. I think she mentioned that she only told the organizer person because of the depression stuff. That she knew how to handle jerks. After this last outburst of mine I withdrew into the extreme self loathing avoidance pattern. It didn't matter much because this happened at the very end of the program so I didn't have to face them much longer. I know at least one of them noticed but I avoided him. After this when I went back to the university I felt somewhat better but any encounter with people of the program left me terrified and I would go out of my way to avoid them.

    As for the contributing factors to this stupid. When I first sent the messages I had no access to the internet and wanted to try being social instead of retreating to the house of my host family and not interacting with my cohort. In addition when I went on the study abroad program I had decided I wanted to try to be more social. I have what feels like very few friends where I live and little contact with people my age. I know I don't tend to try and build connections with other people so I thought I should be more forthright about stuff. This backfired horribly just like a previous attempt to be more assertive/constructive. Last, something that I can't exactly place before or after the stupid stated, I kind of gave up on my best friend. I didn't have very many friends in general and at that moment I think their was only one I was trying to stay in touch with. I of course had a crush on her in high school but I was mostly past that. Most of our interaction after that point had been on the public bus too and from the community college we were both going to. Gradually this fell through (along with all my other delusional friendships on the bus) as she became more busy and drove too and from the university. She rarely had time to respond to messages. Eventually I tried to reach out to near friends more assertively. It backfired horribly. One of the two people I tried a new strategy on called me out for being rude and trying to make her feel guilty about having a full schedule. My close friend didn't respond right away but when I mentioned the other friends reaction she agreed that I had been a jerk to throw needy guilt trip stuff at her. This might have been the last time we talked. After that I tried sending messages on facebook often. She never responded. And during the trip I looked at this, looked at how often I had tried to talk to her, finally realized that she just didn't want to talk to me. I blocked her because of this, but I didn't think I was doing it because I was upset with her. I blocked her because it seemed clear to me that I was not wanted as a friend and that all my attempts to contact her had been me being a terrible person. In my conception at the time I was blocking her so I wouldn't be tempted to keep hurting her. Also I took the opportunity to about 90% of the people on my friends list because I never talked to them and the same principle of not harming others with my presence applied.
    DEGENERATION 86: Copy this into your sig and subtract 1 from the degeneration when you first see it. This is an antisocial experiment.

  28. - Top - End - #298
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I think a therapist might be helpful to you. Some of them are specialized in building social skills, and most will help you talk through the negative self image. Though you could likely be in the same boat as me, in that I can afford to look up where their office is... In all seriousness, it sounds like you are noticing yourself doing things that you don't like. That is really one of the bigger things you need to do make those things go away.
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    I think I'm going to defer to his wiser judgment in this case, because I'm probably going to keep writing responses and that will only lead to me getting myself in trouble somehow.
    - I should follow this advice more often.

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  29. - Top - End - #299
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Still frustrated with ADHD stuff. Or well, prior experiences of it.

    I don't like the fact that I had to essentially seek out a diagnosis on my own (with suggestions from friends) and then get upset at a therapist in order to actually get somewhere. Changing the code on the paperwork from GAD to ADHD changes the framework to one where, at least on that front, I'm suddenly seen as actually competent in reporting my own internal experience. It shifts me from the "bad patient" who is resisting the expert's attempts to lead them to a proper understanding of their disorder, to a credible and active participant in being able to report their own experience and make informed decisions about treatment.

    Nothing about me has changed. I just have the right official stamp of approval now, the right words to say to legitimize myself. Without the right label, my experience was considered distorted. At worst I was simply being lazy and dishonest. But even the destigmatized views of mental illness put me in a position where my experience of my own difficulties and limitations was the result of lack of insight.

    Dealing with traumatic experiences in therapy felt very similar. There was no real respect for my experiences and views of the world. Models of resistance and defense mechanisms created an environment where any protest was another aspect of the disorder. The therapist's experience of the world was representative and normative; mine was aberrant. Being a good patient meant accepting the therapist's diagnosis and view of what normal should look like. My beliefs and views were diseased and healing came from only accepting that. Not accepting one's diagnosis or the plan forward made one a bad patient, someone who was resisting getting better. And that made you a bad person in society too. You weren't going through the right steps to get better, so you didn't deserve help or support.

    I do not appreciate that. I don't like living in a society that hands the power to define my credibility over like that. I don't accept that illness is necessarily a good or realistic way to see psychological pain. And I don't think that being a mental health professional ought to mean you get to decide if someone else is actually rational or not. But it seems there's no way around that I'll have to deal with that all my life.
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  30. - Top - End - #300
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Some stuff has been coming up lately that I don't understand how to deal with. It's been suggest a few times that I should go back to therapy. Around here, I'm not exactly private about the fact that I'm usually in a pretty dark place mentally, so therapy makes sense. At least as far as advice that someone might give.

    So I started thinking back to why my last therapists didn't work out. I feel like they had different goals for me than what I did. I've mentioned before that I used to want to make comic books, it didn't end well for me. I feel like it would be better if I could let go and move on, but all of the therapists I've had tried to get me to go back to it. I get why, they're trying to be encouraging and helpful. Giving me a push in an emotionally fulfilling direction. To me though it just feels like reopening something that never quite healed.

    An artist whose social media I follow started posting excerpts from a project she's doing, about Actualizing Your Creative Desires. Again, she's trying to do something positive, helpful and encouraging and it seems to work for people that are not me. For me though, it just made me really upset. As much as I'd like to move on from my unfortunate stint as a cartoonist and do something constructive with my life, I feel like reality is actively fighting me. (Yes, I know how crazy that sounds.)
    Iop brain.

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