The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed - Coming in December and available for pre-order now
Page 7 of 11 FirstFirst 1234567891011 LastLast
Results 181 to 210 of 303
  1. - Top - End - #181
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Honest Tiefling's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2011

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    I didn't help myself on the guilt front. She has a chronic disease and gained a lot if weight over our relationship (while I lost a lot), so anytime I was dissatisfied I felt guilty because what if I was just being shallow and lying to myself about it?
    So...She undermined not only your excitement for your hobbies, but undermined your own personal accomplishments? Which, if I recall correctly, are very much health based?

    And really, even if you were less attracted to her...**** her anyway. She was clearly using you. She doesn't care about you as a person, as any disagreement from her views was something to be attacked or dismissed, not tolerated, explored or even admired. That's not how a relationship works.

    And let me guess, she made you pay a lot of the time? Just a stab in the dark here.
    Quote Originally Posted by Oko and Qailee View Post
    Man, I like this tiefling.
    For all of your completely and utterly honest needs. Zaydos made, Tiefling approved.

  2. - Top - End - #182
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Honest Tiefling View Post
    So...She undermined not only your excitement for your hobbies, but undermined your own personal accomplishments? Which, if I recall correctly, are very much health based?

    And really, even if you were less attracted to her...**** her anyway. She was clearly using you. She doesn't care about you as a person, as any disagreement from her views was something to be attacked or dismissed, not tolerated, explored or even admired. That's not how a relationship works.

    And let me guess, she made you pay a lot of the time? Just a stab in the dark here.
    Not above 100% of the time.

    I'm going to need to think about this. I have been terrified this is a childish overreaction.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  3. - Top - End - #183
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Honest Tiefling's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2011

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Please don't reconsider getting with this woman. She seems to treat you as labor, not as a person with their own ideas. She guilted you for doing basic human things like expressing yourself and your own opinions. Don't ever date someone who doesn't like to see you be excited and enjoy yourself. Don't ever date anyone who puts you down.

    Ask yourself, would you tolerate this behavior if she wasn't disabled? She seems (maybe even unintentionally) to be using guilt as a weapon against you. And if you got back together with her because of guilt, is that really healthy for either one of you?

    Again, please do NOT get back together with this woman.

    Also, my money is on her cheating on you with roomie. Might want to get a STI test, just saying.
    Quote Originally Posted by Oko and Qailee View Post
    Man, I like this tiefling.
    For all of your completely and utterly honest needs. Zaydos made, Tiefling approved.

  4. - Top - End - #184
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Honest Tiefling View Post
    Please don't reconsider getting with this woman. She seems to treat you as labor, not as a person with their own ideas. She guilted you for doing basic human things like expressing yourself and your own opinions. Don't ever date someone who doesn't like to see you be excited and enjoy yourself. Don't ever date anyone who puts you down.

    Ask yourself, would you tolerate this behavior if she wasn't disabled? She seems (maybe even unintentionally) to be using guilt as a weapon against you. And if you got back together with her because of guilt, is that really healthy for either one of you?

    Again, please do NOT get back together with this woman.

    Also, my money is on her cheating on you with roomie. Might want to get a STI test, just saying.
    Don't worry, this relationship is well and truly over. I'm not jumping back in, I just might have been flagellating myself for wanting to be out for no reason.

    I'll see about scraping the $50 for an STD check. Always good to have a clean bill at the end of a relationship regardless.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  5. - Top - End - #185
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Comrade's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    South of Heaven

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Sorry to hear things panned out that way, Tvtyrant-- though I have to say, I'm with Honest Tiefling, sounds like you're better off out of that relationship even if it doesn't feel that way just now.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  6. - Top - End - #186
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

    Join Date
    Dec 2014

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    @TvTyrant- Listen to Honest Tiefling. She's honest, after all.
    Seriously though, you are well rid of that person. A good friend of ours left an emotionally abusive relationship, and your description is spookily similar to hers. Just stand clear, sort yourself out, and figure out who you are again.

  7. - Top - End - #187
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Not above 100% of the time.

    I'm going to need to think about this. I have been terrified this is a childish overreaction.
    I don't know enough to claim that it was emotional abuse, but it definitely seems like it was unhealthy for you and that she wasn't the right person for you anyways. You don't seem to have overreacted one bit.

  8. - Top - End - #188
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    Sorry to hear things panned out that way, Tvtyrant-- though I have to say, I'm with Honest Tiefling, sounds like you're better off out of that relationship even if it doesn't feel that way just now.
    Quote Originally Posted by NRSASD View Post
    @TvTyrant- Listen to Honest Tiefling. She's honest, after all.
    Seriously though, you are well rid of that person. A good friend of ours left an emotionally abusive relationship, and your description is spookily similar to hers. Just stand clear, sort yourself out, and figure out who you are again.
    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    I don't know enough to claim that it was emotional abuse, but it definitely seems like it was unhealthy for you and that she wasn't the right person for you anyways. You don't seem to have overreacted one bit.
    I'm feeling somewhat better about it now. The sense of relief is pretty strong at this point, which is a welcome reprieve from the feeling of guilt.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  9. - Top - End - #189
    Pixie in the Playground
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I realize there's a conversation in progress, but here's a follow-up on this.

    Under the circumstances, things are generally stable. I'm working with my therapist and the nasty thoughts are lessening.

    No replies to my post, but to anyone who read it, thank you.

  10. - Top - End - #190
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Comrade's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    South of Heaven

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by messy1349 View Post
    Under the circumstances, things are generally stable. I'm working with my therapist and the nasty thoughts are lessening.
    Glad to hear things are going better.

    On my end... About a month ago I applied for a job. Learned about the job in the first place from an acquaintance who works in the office I'd applied to, who encouraged me to apply before the job had even been publicly posted. I took a week to try and really hammer everything out-- I got help from a colleague at the office I currently intern at, who used to work in the office I was applying to, and he helped me polish up my cover letter and resume. Also gave me some really handy tips about the office I was applying to and how to best present myself to them. I figured, hey, I was encouraged to apply by somebody in that office, I got help applying from somebody who used to work in that office, my cover letter and resume are strong, I have plenty of internship experience in this line of work and even some paid experience in a related field, I have an associate's degree, the only thing that could possibly trip me up here is my lack of a Bachelor's degree. I was banking on the hope that all that other stuff would outweigh that.

    I haven't heard back from them since, and maybe I'm just prematurely jumping to conclusions, but I have a feeling I won't, considering how things worked out the last time I applied for a job where every possible factor seemed to be in my favor. It sucks, because I really need a job, and I was really hoping I could finally get steady, paid work in this field, no matter how menial or low-paying. Yeah, I could just go back to working retail or something, which I'll probably have to do if things keep on this way, but I just had this hope that after a combined one and a half years of internship experience, building connections, and putting myself out there, I could break through and nab at least a part-time paid position. But it seems more and more like a paid position in this field won't be an option until I get my BA, and that's liable to be two years out-- by which time I'll be 26 years old.

    Just can't help feeling frustrated that even when I put my best foot forward and everything seems to be in my favor, I just can't make the leap from unpaid internship to paid work in the field.
    Last edited by Comrade; 2019-07-12 at 12:38 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  11. - Top - End - #191
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    WarKitty's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I don't know what to do anymore.

    I'm waking up basically every morning to nightmares about therapy. Not just that one time with the guy with no ethics, but the times I spent with therapists that meant well. I need help, I need something beyond just a place to vent. But I don't know where to turn. I feel like therapy isn't the right place to discuss how horrifyingly traumatic therapy has been for me and how to get past that. But no one has any suggestions or help past "maybe more therapy?"
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  12. - Top - End - #192
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    WolfInSheepsClothing

    Join Date
    Mar 2009

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    I don't know what to do anymore.

    I'm waking up basically every morning to nightmares about therapy. Not just that one time with the guy with no ethics, but the times I spent with therapists that meant well. I need help, I need something beyond just a place to vent. But I don't know where to turn. I feel like therapy isn't the right place to discuss how horrifyingly traumatic therapy has been for me and how to get past that. But no one has any suggestions or help past "maybe more therapy?"
    Take it one step at a time. Take victory in the small things. Make a plan, and follow it.

    Find a new therapist, it might take you a while to find a good-enough one. Talk it over with trusted friends and family. Perhaps you can get a recommendation for a good therapist. Talk to a religious figure . . . some of them are wise, and some of them have the proper degree. Sometimes one is just good at helping people, and often these folks are religious leaders.

    I have had horrible doctors and dentists. Doctors that did not know what they were talking about, and a dentist that really messed up some of my teeth. Some are not a good fit, others are just inexperienced, and some are outright bad.

    I have Asperger's Ssyndrome, and it benefits me to talk with someone about how my brain is wired differently. It can be stressful to have most people actually think differently than I do. My brain is WAY over on the logical side of things (across from the feeling side of things). People who make decisions based on feelings, or reading body language can be scared of me, or think that I am up to no good. This can cause a stressful problem every year or two. Seriously people who navigate life based on 100% feelings, and people who navigate there life based 100% on logic . . . we can really annoy each other. What we think is right and just, or how to go about solving an issue, can be totally different.

    One thing that I learned that helps keep me grounded is "how to tell a good story." The whole trust, but verify thing. Meaning to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but do not let people take advantage of you. Even then there was a pastor who would answer the question of people taking advantage of him, and his response was that he gave it away. The trust, but verify thing used to sound crazy to me, but I was looking at it from another angle. If I can look into something, then I can, but if I don't, then I try not to have it ruin my day by thinking of a good story to tell myself. It is almost always not helpful to assume the negative about an intent that you cannot verify. Most of the time people are not trying to be jerks.

    If someone is speeding, and cuts me off, I like to tell myself "I bet that person must have to go to the bathroom very badly." Coming up with negative conclusions about someone's actions really does not help most of the time. This has really helped my outlook on life. Feeding negative thoughts in a circle is not helpful.

    My dad is a retired police officer, and he let a speeder go once (at least) because he had to go to the bathroom very badly.

    I was part of a study for a mortgage company. They paid me $150 to figure out what they could do to keep more customers. I REALLY seemed to piss off the proctor by telling him that I pick my mortgage company based on math. They were trying to figure out how they could keep people happy with calls, birthday-cards, and other things other than math. The concept is baffling to me. I refinanced my mortgage every time rates dropped, and I could make a profit. My relationship with the bank was an afterthought.

    I am an insurance agent and it absolutely baffles me why I need to mention that folks can save money on things like Jenny Craig . . . I have never talked to anyone who would pick out a healthcare plan based on such a discount. The notion is over-the-top illogical.
    Last edited by darkrose50; 2019-07-17 at 09:13 AM.

  13. - Top - End - #193
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    I don't know what to do anymore.

    I'm waking up basically every morning to nightmares about therapy. Not just that one time with the guy with no ethics, but the times I spent with therapists that meant well. I need help, I need something beyond just a place to vent. But I don't know where to turn. I feel like therapy isn't the right place to discuss how horrifyingly traumatic therapy has been for me and how to get past that. But no one has any suggestions or help past "maybe more therapy?"
    What kind of help are you looking for? The reason therapy is brought up is because therapists are licensed professionals trained to deal with trauma.

    There are lots of none-licensed approaches (often religious) like priests, shamans, hypnosis, etc. Or pick up self-help and psychology books and try and do it yourself if having other people involved is too traumatic.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  14. - Top - End - #194
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Lettuce's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    England
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Warkitty: I have a few ideas about how to possibly make a future therapy experience less terrible if you decide to go down that road again, as well as a few ideas of other things you might try to help alleviate some of this. If you're at the point where you really don't even want to think about the first right now, then feel entirely free to ignore the first stuff and skip to the last five paragraphs in the post.

    Also, if it helps? I don't know specifically what you've been through (I've only read the posts in this topic-- nothing earlier), but I was abused by my school guidance councilor in secondary school. Your guy isn't the only bad actor out there. This IS a thing.

    My PM box is open if I can do anything, anything at all to help you. Hugs (if appreciated).

    - - -

    Earlier, you talked about the main problem with therapy being the power imbalance, and the very real ability these people have to mess up your life. So a lot of the following ideas are about how you might try to reduce or mitigate that influence.

    I know that there are therapists who are willing to meet in a different setting than their office, so you don't feel like you're walking into someone's domain where they have total control-- and perhaps often containing certain trappings that are similar to the environment where your trauma took place. I'm not sure if you can arrange to meet in a public area if requested (given they have to follow guidelines about patient confidentiality), but I know that house calls are a thing, and a lot of people also offer online sessions...

    ...which might be especially useful, based on your earlier exchange with Honest Tiefling where you expressed that no one you trust is in range to actually go into an office with you. I agree that a video conference call might be a viable solution to that. I don't know if it would be possible to give this person-you-trust 'custody' of medical decisions, so a bad-acting therapist can't use the weight of their own diagnosis in such a hard-hitting and oversight-absent way, but if you can give your 'rights' to a person you trust rather than a stranger, that might go a long way towards shifting the power dynamic into something more comfortable.

    Another thing that might help you feel more in control is (if you haven't already) to request copies of your medical records from both that abusive therapist and everyone afterwords. You can highlight parts of them that a good therapist will see and realize are unfounded (like that one fellow in college you mentioned who diagnosed you with Borderline with 'you had a girlfriend' as major criteria-- and whatever 'reasoning' your abusive therapist provided as well). By pointing out flaws that lead to the misdiagnosis, this will help your new therapist understand and discount those issues and come to their own decision.

    This is a suggestion that in a perfect world shouldn't be necessary, but maybe it would help to go in with a specific written list of abusive stuff that your first therapist did that you can point to. (Bonus points if you can get other people to corraborate any of it.) And ideally, if you can lead the discussion with 'this person was my abuser', rather than 'this person was my therapist', that might help set the stage a little better and better enable them to leave those assumptions you mentioned at the door. Because ultimately, the guy who preyed on you and others at your school was a predator and abuser. His job enabled his abuse, but it didn't make him what he is. The trappings of how he abused you are absolutely relevant, especially in the ways he had power over you, but if you can impress that the fundamental structure was abuser-and-victim, I think that will help your next therapist re-fame the situation in a way that's hopefully different and more productive in addressing the issues.

    (Speaking of the ways he had power over you: Even if there isn't a lot of literature about abusive therapists who get to terrorize you and force medical decisions on you, the power dynamics have a lot in common with the better studied dynamic of abusive parents. Maybe there will be some material for the victims of similar types of child abuse that you can apply to your situation?)

    I don't know if you live in America, but there are websites like this one that give you a list of therapists and their specialties.
    If you ever decide to try therapy again, it seems smart to find someone who specifically specialises in dealing with victims. People who list both trauma and things like Narcissistic Victim (Abuse) Syndrome as the focus of their portfolio might be a good start, because they're used to hearing and understanding and supporting people who have been through abuse. They're more likely than most to approach your situation with the understanding that you're a survivor, and see your symptoms for what they are-- because they see them every day in so many of their other clients. At least on that website you can apparently also mention prospective employers and you can give a quick overview of the situation, and see how they respond so you can find someone who will take you respectfully from the start. Ideally, you're looking for an ally who understands and believes you and is able to help counteract or overrule the misdiagnoses you were given earlier.

    Because a good therapist should never be minimizing or invalidating your experiences. They should be an ally, not an interrogator. You shouldn't have to "prove" anything to them. You went through something freakin' terrible, by gosh, you should be believed. People don't pay hundreds of dollars to come in and tell an elaborate lie to a stranger, especially when that lie nets them no personal gain to tell. Your experiences and feelings are valid. They're important. You are worth being listened to. You deserve to be treated seriously. You deserve to be believed.

    I absolutely agree with your analysis in an earlier post in this thread that it's highly doubtful that the abusive therapist from your school did this to you and only you. People who abuse others like this, especially when they have a position of power where they can 'get away with it', will have had many targets over the years. You even seem to specifically know of some of them. My suggestion is to try to reach out to those other survivors and form a support network with them. How deeply he scarred them or managed to touch their lives may vary, but there's no question that you'll be believed, and they may also appreciate the support and validation they get from someone else who knows what was happening. They might be able to share how they coped with everything, as well.

    I don't know if you'd find it helpful to potentially reestablish control and reshape the narrative by trying to bring that jerk to justice, but between you all, you may have enough credible documentation of your side of the story to try to make a change. If he's still in that school abusing people, his current crop of victims will make excellent allies. If you manage to reach out to them, too, and get them to document things... even if the school won't listen, the local papers might. The board that governs his credentials might. Raise a stench on social media. See if you can get anyone from the school newspaper or radio on board. Raise it on forums where people are interested attending in the school. Turn the guy into a problem. And if there's public controversy about this guy and/or his licenses are revoked, then that will go a long way towards not only proving that you're not crazy and have been stuck with a misdiagnosis, but prove more broadly to the world at large that yes, this is a thing that can and does happen. On the one hand embarking on that quest might be stressful; on the other hand, it might be empowering. You'd have a better sense of how this would work for you than I, but it may be an option.

    In general, I'd suggest also focus doing more things in general to bolster yourself and assert control more broadly over other parts of your life, to help make confidence a general habit. Do you have any dreams or passions you've been ignoring or put on a shelf? What kinds of things do you enjoy, make you feel good? Maybe you should commit to doing those positive things that you enjoy or make you feel fulfilled. Do things that make you feel more 'you'. At least for me, actually planning and scheduling time for the things I enjoy makes me feel in control of my day and gives me something to anticipate and look forward to and feel positive about. It also can give you specific thing you can point to that you did or are going to be doing that are good in your life, which can help ground you when you feel overwhelmed or down. Give yourself specific things to look forward to; give your brain things to dream about, so you're not stuck with only nightmares.

    Finally, this is something pretty different than all of the above. I'm not sure if it was OotS or gaming in general or what that lead you to these forums, but I'm going to wager that you're at least passingly familiar with role-playing games. Have you thought about using a tabletop game (possibly a one-on-one campaign set up with a GM you trust) to build a scenario that are in parts similar to elements of your trauma-- to whatever degree you feel okay with confronting-- to start to build new narratives and control related to those things? It's kind of a weird idea, but I've actually ended up doing this (unintentionally in a game my GM set up, no less), and it has honestly really helped me work through and grapple with some ghosts in my past and reduce their hold on me. Having a character who wasn't quite me enabled me to step back away if things felt too intense, and exploring a similar (but obviously fantasy) situation to what scarred me and conquering half-analogies to things in my past was empowering. It's super weird to say that I'm healthier mentally from a game of PTU, but there it is. Approached carefully, maybe something like that would be useful for you, too.

    Seriously, I hope things get better, WarKitty. You deserve it.
    Last edited by Lettuce; 2019-07-17 at 02:10 PM.
    “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”
    ― Meg Cabot

    Avatar by me!

  15. - Top - End - #195
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    The Primus Imperium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Those of you who have been on the boards for for a while may remember that a few years ago, my bro's best friend (I called him Bill) got hit by a drunk driver. You may also recall that a couple months ago we went to a sentencing hearing that got cancelled because the defense lawyer was called into another county on a child sex case.

    Well... the hearing was rescheduled for yesterday.

    Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life (and considering the last couple of years include an uncle committing suicide, putting down 2 dogs, my mother losing the ability to walk for months, and a brain tumor, that's saying a lot)

    Nothing prepares you to sit down at a sentencing hearing and listen to impact statements for a killed friend. His girlfriend kept crying throughout the entire hearing (partly because of survivor's guilt; his last act was to save her from the truck that hit him), my little brother still sounds like a broken man 3 years after the accident, the parents cried off and on through most of their own testimony...

    The guy who hit him got 10 years of 'shock probation' or something like that? 6 months in prison, followed by 9 and a half years of strict probation if his behavior's good; if he violates it at any point he goes back for up to 20 years.

    I genuinely hope the defendant cleans up so something *not* awful comes out of this mess.

    But at least it's done. And Bill's parents said after that it was therapeutic to get up there and say what they did, so... yeah.

    Don't drink and drive.
    Last edited by HalfTangible; 2019-07-19 at 11:00 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Everything is going according to plan. And by that I mean the plan has changed like 3 times in the last year but now I have it written down and the new plan is going well!.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo

    Extended Sig

    Brother of Battle by Emperor Ing

  16. - Top - End - #196
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Grytorm's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Ah hello again. I'm feeling down today for semi stupid reasons. I think the last time I posted here I mentioned that I thought a woman had a crush on me. Found out by talking to a third party that she probably doesn't because she is engaged*. Now I am sorry if it seems like I am about to launch into some stupid sexist complaint because I am not. I take full responsibility for misinterpreting things. I'm just not used to people actually going out of their way to talk to me. I predict friendly conversations will most likely continue in the future.

    Mostly I am posting because of just how my brain has decided to handle it. Basically I am feeling much more depressed than I was a few days ago. Which is really bad given my previous experiences with depression. And I am of course feeling like I shouldn't talk to my parents about this. Mostly I am feeling kind of hopeless again and questioning why I even bother to keep living. Plus I have a mental diatribe cursing the false promises of hope. How I only feel so down because I had hoped that things could change. But they can't. And the experience has left me worse off than before.

    *Small chance the person I learned this from thought I was talking about one of the three other women with the same name who work at the shelter I volunteer at.
    DEGENERATION 86: Copy this into your sig and subtract 1 from the degeneration when you first see it. This is an antisocial experiment.

  17. - Top - End - #197
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    WolfInSheepsClothing

    Join Date
    Mar 2009

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Ah hello again. I'm feeling down today for semi stupid reasons. I think the last time I posted here I mentioned that I thought a woman had a crush on me. Found out by talking to a third party that she probably doesn't because she is engaged*. Now I am sorry if it seems like I am about to launch into some stupid sexist complaint because I am not. I take full responsibility for misinterpreting things. I'm just not used to people actually going out of their way to talk to me. I predict friendly conversations will most likely continue in the future.

    Mostly I am posting because of just how my brain has decided to handle it. Basically I am feeling much more depressed than I was a few days ago. Which is really bad given my previous experiences with depression. And I am of course feeling like I shouldn't talk to my parents about this. Mostly I am feeling kind of hopeless again and questioning why I even bother to keep living. Plus I have a mental diatribe cursing the false promises of hope. How I only feel so down because I had hoped that things could change. But they can't. And the experience has left me worse off than before.

    *Small chance the person I learned this from thought I was talking about one of the three other women with the same name who work at the shelter I volunteer at.
    She could be socially awkward and/or have a touch of autism. Evidently high functioning autism might be 80% of those with autism. So there could be a lot more of us about than previously thought.

    I have Asperger's Syndrome. I am somewhat socially impaired in reading body language. Reading body language uses unconscious energy for me to read body language (it can be exhausting, and often requires me to rest my mind after social interactions). In college I accidently asked out a few girls. The problem was that I had a girlfriend. I had so many slashed tires. Wearing a wedding ring seemed to help the issue. I made a point to let women know that I was married.

    It could be the case that she is attracted to you, but is otherwise dating someone. I was definitely attracted to the girls I accidently asked out. My motives were assumed, and I somehow blundered into asking out girls on accident. "Have you ever been to Navy Pier?" Became let's go out on a date to Navy Pier (I guess along with the fact that I was attracted to them).

    As a national delegate I apologize on the behalf of the Socially Awkward. Our parties are interesting though.
    Last edited by darkrose50; 2019-07-26 at 09:38 AM.

  18. - Top - End - #198
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    WarKitty's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    Those of you who have been on the boards for for a while may remember that a few years ago, my bro's best friend (I called him Bill) got hit by a drunk driver. You may also recall that a couple months ago we went to a sentencing hearing that got cancelled because the defense lawyer was called into another county on a child sex case.

    Well... the hearing was rescheduled for yesterday.

    Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life (and considering the last couple of years include an uncle committing suicide, putting down 2 dogs, my mother losing the ability to walk for months, and a brain tumor, that's saying a lot)

    Nothing prepares you to sit down at a sentencing hearing and listen to impact statements for a killed friend. His girlfriend kept crying throughout the entire hearing (partly because of survivor's guilt; his last act was to save her from the truck that hit him), my little brother still sounds like a broken man 3 years after the accident, the parents cried off and on through most of their own testimony...

    The guy who hit him got 10 years of 'shock probation' or something like that? 6 months in prison, followed by 9 and a half years of strict probation if his behavior's good; if he violates it at any point he goes back for up to 20 years.

    I genuinely hope the defendant cleans up so something *not* awful comes out of this mess.

    But at least it's done. And Bill's parents said after that it was therapeutic to get up there and say what they did, so... yeah.

    Don't drink and drive.
    I honestly don't think any of us know what to say to that. Do you accept cups of virtual tea?
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  19. - Top - End - #199
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    Those of you who have been on the boards for for a while may remember that a few years ago, my bro's best friend (I called him Bill) got hit by a drunk driver. You may also recall that a couple months ago we went to a sentencing hearing that got cancelled because the defense lawyer was called into another county on a child sex case.

    Well... the hearing was rescheduled for yesterday.

    Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life (and considering the last couple of years include an uncle committing suicide, putting down 2 dogs, my mother losing the ability to walk for months, and a brain tumor, that's saying a lot)

    Nothing prepares you to sit down at a sentencing hearing and listen to impact statements for a killed friend. His girlfriend kept crying throughout the entire hearing (partly because of survivor's guilt; his last act was to save her from the truck that hit him), my little brother still sounds like a broken man 3 years after the accident, the parents cried off and on through most of their own testimony...

    The guy who hit him got 10 years of 'shock probation' or something like that? 6 months in prison, followed by 9 and a half years of strict probation if his behavior's good; if he violates it at any point he goes back for up to 20 years.

    I genuinely hope the defendant cleans up so something *not* awful comes out of this mess.

    But at least it's done. And Bill's parents said after that it was therapeutic to get up there and say what they did, so... yeah.

    Don't drink and drive.
    I'm truly sorry. That sounds like an awful day. I had a close friend who had a diabetic episode while driving and died from an accident, it must be much worse with the recklessness on the other side.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  20. - Top - End - #200
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    WarKitty's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Lettuce View Post
    Because a good therapist should never be minimizing or invalidating your experiences. They should be an ally, not an interrogator. You shouldn't have to "prove" anything to them. You went through something freakin' terrible, by gosh, you should be believed. People don't pay hundreds of dollars to come in and tell an elaborate lie to a stranger, especially when that lie nets them no personal gain to tell. Your experiences and feelings are valid. They're important. You are worth being listened to. You deserve to be treated seriously. You deserve to be believed.
    I wanted to mention this specifically. I don't think that future therapists have thought I was lying, exactly. Rather, it's that he spun a narrative where I was paranoid and delusional and my mental health problems were causing me to falsely perceive his behavior as abusive. Where he was just trying to help a poor girl who was too sick to know what she needed. It's seemed like in the future the only way to be perceived as "sane" was to accept and go along with that narrative - the one that proved I was getting better because I'd come to accept his behavior was actually well intentioned instead of holding on to my delusions that he was abusive.

    There's almost nothing on therapist abuse other than sexual misconduct. That wasn't what happened with me. But the thread that runs through all the stories with him - including mine - is that students with health problems were liabilities to be controlled rather than people to be helped. He was angry at me when I didn't take being granted accommodations (my legal right) as a great favor that he did for me. He told one of my friends, a woman with a seizure disorder, that it was selfish of her that she wasn't thinking about how that affected other students who might find seeing a seizure upsetting. Another friend he yelled at when she asked to be paired with a new counselor after the one she was seeing started questioning whether her father was really disabled. The whole attitude was that we ought to be grateful to be in normal society and needed to take pains to not bother other students by having visible problems.

    With me, the greatest problems came when I had tried to report being sexually assaulted by a fellow student. I wasn't allowed to make a report at all because apparently they had a 3-day window and wouldn't take anything after that. He refused to listen to my report, while focusing on my "paranoid behavior" - much of which was actually a quite sensible attempt to separate myself from this other student. The fact that I refused to tell people who had been mutual friends what was wrong was used against me as evidence that I was paranoid and refusing help. So was any desire for time alone, which was quite hard to get in a dorm and at a small religious school. The way I dressed was also a very common focus and seen as inherently pathological. Basically the whole thing was set up to spin the story as "crazy girl fabricates accusations against a young man" and not "woman develops trauma symptoms after sexual assault." The fact that that's an extremely convenient story for the college has not escaped me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    What kind of help are you looking for? The reason therapy is brought up is because therapists are licensed professionals trained to deal with trauma.

    There are lots of none-licensed approaches (often religious) like priests, shamans, hypnosis, etc. Or pick up self-help and psychology books and try and do it yourself if having other people involved is too traumatic.
    I think for me it's that living in a society that consistently pushes a system that to me has not only supported and enabled an abuser, but gaslit me over both his and other people's behavior and actively encouraged me to not recognize or deal with abuse is itself traumatic. I feel like there's nowhere to turn for help in a society that continually wants to push therapy at you as the solution to everything. Even aside from that man, I believe I was only able to recognize and start to deal with my mother's abuse because I quit therapy. Therapy was encouraging me to downplay and dismiss it and feeding into the idea that the problem was with me and my perceptions, rather than that I had been abused. And when I tried to reach out to other sources or say something was wrong that was again reinforced, the idea that not finding the therapy I was getting helpful was a sign that there was something wrong with me. That the only way I could get better was to shut up, shove the idea that I was wrong down, and do what the therapist said, and if I wasn't willing to do that I wasn't worth any other support because I wasn't "trying to get better."

    It's an intense, terrifying, feeling. It feels like the only way I can be safe and happy is to get away from a society where mental health treatment like that is supported and encouraged. Because the flip side always ends up being denying the harm that happens to people like me. Not just from the one abuser, but from persistently receiving inappropriate treatment to what was actually going on. And from the continual reinforcement that the problem was that I was crazy and unable to correctly perceive what was happening to me and the resulting invalidation of my own experiences and feelings. As well as the encouragement to ignore very real issues in my life in favor of trying to change how I felt about them, with an occasional side of ignoring physical problems that were attributed to my anxiety.

    I've always had issues dealing with something I call "social worth" or "societal worth." It's not a self-esteem concept, but a reflection of being the kind of person that the society I'm in treats as valid, believable, and worthy of having your needs met. And it's very practical. It covers things like being able to access health care that takes your needs and situation into account. Or being able to make a report of abuse and be believed and taken seriously. Or being perceived as competent when looking for a job. And it's terrifying to feel like you're not the sort of person who's seen as having valid needs and receiving the support you need in meeting them. But that's been exactly my experience, that you can very easily be denied having your needs met because other people have decided they aren't valid.
    Last edited by WarKitty; 2019-07-27 at 02:46 PM.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  21. - Top - End - #201
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kesnit's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Eastern US
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    So this may sound a little weird, but I really don't know what to do.

    When I was growing up, my dad and I were really close. I didn't have a bad relationship with mom - we got along fine actually - but I was closer to dad.

    After I went to college and then moved out on my own, my relationship with both my parents cooled a little, simply because of distance. I only saw them a few times a year. When I was 30, I came out as trans, which Mom did not take well. A few years later, I went back to school and ended up far enough away that getting home for holidays was not feasible. Mom chose not to come to my graduation since I was graduating under my male name, but Dad (and my now-in-laws) did attend. A few months after graduation, I got married. Dad knew about the wedding, but was not there since he needed to keep Mom occupied so she didn't notice my aunts (who were also invited) were not responding to her e-mails (since they were out of town at my wedding). One of my most painful memories is calling Dad the day after the ceremony to talk to him and hearing him cry because he had not been able to be there.

    More years passed. My parents ended up moving several hours away, which made spending time with them very hard. It got to the point that I would call and e-mail, but that was it.

    My mother passed away suddenly last November. Since then, I have seen Dad more than I had in the years prior. He e-mails me and my aunts (his sisters) almost daily, and I e-mail several times a week. He's stopped by for a few visits on his way north to spend a week with his family. He told me that he would prefer to e-mail rather than me call because talking on the phone is too painful for him. I can understand this. (As an aside, Dad is taking me and my wife on a week vacation next February. One of my aunts is going as well.)

    My aunt however, is encouraging me to reach out more to Dad. I would really like to, but I just don't know how. I don't want to make him uncomfortable talking to him on the phone, but e-mail feels a little...impersonal. I just don't know what to do.
    Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

    Proud member of the "I Love Anyway" Club

    Thank you, Ceika, so much for the avatar!

  22. - Top - End - #202
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Kesnit View Post
    So this may sound a little weird, but I really don't know what to do.

    When I was growing up, my dad and I were really close. I didn't have a bad relationship with mom - we got along fine actually - but I was closer to dad.

    After I went to college and then moved out on my own, my relationship with both my parents cooled a little, simply because of distance. I only saw them a few times a year. When I was 30, I came out as trans, which Mom did not take well. A few years later, I went back to school and ended up far enough away that getting home for holidays was not feasible. Mom chose not to come to my graduation since I was graduating under my male name, but Dad (and my now-in-laws) did attend. A few months after graduation, I got married. Dad knew about the wedding, but was not there since he needed to keep Mom occupied so she didn't notice my aunts (who were also invited) were not responding to her e-mails (since they were out of town at my wedding). One of my most painful memories is calling Dad the day after the ceremony to talk to him and hearing him cry because he had not been able to be there.

    More years passed. My parents ended up moving several hours away, which made spending time with them very hard. It got to the point that I would call and e-mail, but that was it.

    My mother passed away suddenly last November. Since then, I have seen Dad more than I had in the years prior. He e-mails me and my aunts (his sisters) almost daily, and I e-mail several times a week. He's stopped by for a few visits on his way north to spend a week with his family. He told me that he would prefer to e-mail rather than me call because talking on the phone is too painful for him. I can understand this. (As an aside, Dad is taking me and my wife on a week vacation next February. One of my aunts is going as well.)

    My aunt however, is encouraging me to reach out more to Dad. I would really like to, but I just don't know how. I don't want to make him uncomfortable talking to him on the phone, but e-mail feels a little...impersonal. I just don't know what to do.
    I think there is something missing here. Why is talking in person okay but talking on the phone too painful?

    It sounds like the two of you need to have a heart to heart about your relationship while on vacation.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  23. - Top - End - #203
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kesnit's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Eastern US
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    I think there is something missing here. Why is talking in person okay but talking on the phone too painful?
    A few reasons. First, because I would call and talk to Mom before she passed, so he associates me calling with her. Second, it's easier for him emotionally to just read my words rather than hear my voice.

    It sounds like the two of you need to have a heart to heart about your relationship while on vacation.
    I don't know what to say, though.
    Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

    Proud member of the "I Love Anyway" Club

    Thank you, Ceika, so much for the avatar!

  24. - Top - End - #204
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    The Primus Imperium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Kesnit View Post
    I don't know what to say, though.
    *shrug* Talk anyway.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Everything is going according to plan. And by that I mean the plan has changed like 3 times in the last year but now I have it written down and the new plan is going well!.

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo

    Extended Sig

    Brother of Battle by Emperor Ing

  25. - Top - End - #205
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Gray Mage's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Porto Alegre, Brazil
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Kesnit, does te have a cellphone? If so, you could text him. It's not as close as calling, but the increased back and forth might make it feel more personal than e-mails.

    Either way, if reaching out more is something you'd like I think you should. Even if other means aren't available, starting by e-mailing more can get your relationship going again as a start.


    Ignotus Peverell avatar made by the great Bradakhan.

  26. - Top - End - #206
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Kesnit View Post
    A few reasons. First, because I would call and talk to Mom before she passed, so he associates me calling with her. Second, it's easier for him emotionally to just read my words rather than hear my voice.



    I don't know what to say, though.
    I don't think we can really tell you what to say here, but what you said here is probably the closest thing. "I know you have been really hurting and I want to respect your boundaries, but I am hoping we can talk on the phone or see each other more as I miss you and email feels impersonal." Something along those lines.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  27. - Top - End - #207
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    WarKitty's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Kesnit View Post
    A few reasons. First, because I would call and talk to Mom before she passed, so he associates me calling with her. Second, it's easier for him emotionally to just read my words rather than hear my voice.



    I don't know what to say, though.
    Just a suggestion, but would some form of video chat be possible? It might be different enough for him to break some of the associations.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  28. - Top - End - #208
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Grytorm's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2010

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by darkrose50 View Post
    She could be socially awkward and/or have a touch of autism. Evidently high functioning autism might be 80% of those with autism. So there could be a lot more of us about than previously thought.

    I have Asperger's Syndrome. I am somewhat socially impaired in reading body language. Reading body language uses unconscious energy for me to read body language (it can be exhausting, and often requires me to rest my mind after social interactions). In college I accidently asked out a few girls. The problem was that I had a girlfriend. I had so many slashed tires. Wearing a wedding ring seemed to help the issue. I made a point to let women know that I was married.

    It could be the case that she is attracted to you, but is otherwise dating someone. I was definitely attracted to the girls I accidently asked out. My motives were assumed, and I somehow blundered into asking out girls on accident. "Have you ever been to Navy Pier?" Became let's go out on a date to Navy Pier (I guess along with the fact that I was attracted to them).

    As a national delegate I apologize on the behalf of the Socially Awkward. Our parties are interesting though.
    Truthfully I was diagnosed with aspergers and tend to be socially inept. The fault is mine. Not that aby of this really matters. Today I discovered the prospect of interacting with her again left me terrified and I have spent the last forty minutes trying to be somewhere out of the way where there is little chance of running into anyone.
    DEGENERATION 86: Copy this into your sig and subtract 1 from the degeneration when you first see it. This is an antisocial experiment.

  29. - Top - End - #209
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Griffon

    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Bristol, UK

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Gray Mage View Post
    Kesnit, does te have a cellphone? If so, you could text him.
    I've texted people, it's painfully slow. Without a proper keyboard my speed is about one or two words per minute? Emails are a lot easier for me. I don't like phoning, mainly due to the cost, it they call you it's minimal (nothing?) but if you have to call them, it's non trivial here.
    The end of what Son? The story? There is no end. There's just the point where the storytellers stop talking.

  30. - Top - End - #210
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Honest Tiefling's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2011

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Just a suggestion, but would some form of video chat be possible? It might be different enough for him to break some of the associations.
    This is pretty much what I was going to suggest. A computer chat with or without audio might be different enough. I am pretty sure Alexa can handle calls as well, and screaming at a tube is quite different from calling! Another idea, if you both have a movie service, is to call while watching the movie. The movie might be enough of a distraction to work anyway.

    And if technology fails, consider writing him a weekly letter. Hard to do as frequently, but it feels personal for many people. Maybe send a small little gag toy or treat with it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Oko and Qailee View Post
    Man, I like this tiefling.
    For all of your completely and utterly honest needs. Zaydos made, Tiefling approved.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •