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  1. - Top - End - #1
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default If I sat on the Throne....

    You are the ruling monarch of a vast empire. Decide the date of the next poster upon hearing the crime of the previous poster. Then, after dispensing justice as the King or Queen, tell us your crime, you deplorable scum...

    Ex:/
    Previous Poster- I was caught stealing a chicken from the royal kitchens.

    Next Poster-
    As King-I judge that you shall lose a hand for thievery.
    As Criminal- I got arrested for painting "the king smells worse than his horse,".....

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    I got arrested for painting "the king smells worse than his horse,".....
    As King - Thou deplorable fiend! I sentence thee to cleaning these king's stables and shoveling the manure for 20 years. You shall partake of the horse feed for your meals. You shall only bathe in the rain. Then we shall see who smells.

    As Criminal - My lord, I was arrested for throwing spoiled chicken gizzards at the captain of the guard.
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  3. - Top - End - #3
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Crisis21's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Indeed, spoiled food is no laughing matter. As such, I sentence you to ten years of community service as the Captain of the Guard's personal taste tester. The previous one sadly died discovering a plot to poison the guard captain and he needs a replacement.


    As Criminal: Your lord, I have been arrested for illegal marriage to a werecreature. In my defence, she is completely smoking hot and a total sweetheart.
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  4. - Top - End - #4
    Orc in the Playground
     
    kinglinus1's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Crisis21 View Post

    As Criminal: Your lord, I have been arrested for illegal marriage to a werecreature. In my defence, she is completely smoking hot and a total sweetheart.
    Ser Ilyn Payne, bring me his head!





    I killed a Lord in cold blood as he was telling about how exactly he had murdered my father.
    Whether loved or hated, all characters die. A minority opinion holds that the righteous ones are really just Put on a Bus until the head writer's son gets back from his coffee break.

    Thank you Honest Tiefling for this Rocking Avatar, Man I like that Tiefling.

    "Sorry I couldnt get on yesterday, personal stuff happened. Why are we lynching a boat?"

  5. - Top - End - #5
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by kinglinus1 View Post
    I killed a Lord in cold blood as he was telling about how exactly he had murdered my father.
    As King: Ah! That takes me back! Still, we can't have you killing nobles now, can we? Yet it sounds as if there were extenuating circumstances, as it were. Hmmm. We hereby sentence you to serve as a privateer in the Royal Navy. Send him to Cpt. Roberts, We hear he needs men...


    As Accused: "But your Majesty! How was I to know the dancer at Maxims was also the Baroness?
    A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade. - Chaucer

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Because she was sitting beside the baron himself! For flagrant flattery, superfluous squeezing, and astounding arrogance, I banish you to work in that establishment for no pay for 6 months. Furthermore, you shall wear oven mitts the entire time.

    As Criminal: "I got arrested after a drunken horse race down the Street of Sisters...."

  7. - Top - End - #7
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Crisis21's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: You shouldn't be getting the horses drunk in the first place, much less racing them! I hereby sentence you to six months community service and a five year ban from all alcohol!


    As Criminal: Yes, I did spirit away the Duke's young wife and children in the dead of night. He was abusing them and I can prove it!
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  8. - Top - End - #8
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Crisis21 View Post
    As Criminal: Yes, I did spirit away the Duke's young wife and children in the dead of night. He was abusing them and I can prove it!
    As king: You seem like an intelligent, honest person with good intentions. Therefore I sentence you to death in the most painful manner. The last thing this nation needs is intelligent, honest people with good intentions.

    As criminal: I illegally downloaded every anime ever.

  9. - Top - End - #9
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: I hereby sentence you to be cast into the pit of the horrible tentacle monster of the East!

    As Criminal: Freedom! Liberty! These are the words of the soul of the people, how then can they be called treason?
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  10. - Top - End - #10
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As Criminal: Freedom! Liberty! These are the words of the soul of the people, how then can they be called treason?
    As king: I rewrote all the dictionaries so that "treason" means "wanting freedom and/or liberty" so for your crimes I order you to walk around naked for the rest of your life. Also as king I changed the dictionaries so that "naked" means "covered in venomous snakes" and "rest of your life" means "rest of your life and the life of all your loved ones."

    As criminal: I may have illegally changed the definitions of certain words and phrases in all the dictionaries.

  11. - Top - End - #11
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Crisis21's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: I hereby declare that you shall burn all illegally altered dictionaries and pay reparations both in replacing the dictionaries with properly corrected versions but also against damages caused by your changed definitions in double the amount of the damage caused. If this incident regarding venomous snakes is half as bad as it seems, I fear you will be paying for a long, long time.


    As Criminal: Yeah, I put a dozen police officers in the hospital. They were on the payroll of the Thieves' Guild, who themselves are on the payroll of your mortal enemy.
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  12. - Top - End - #12
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Crisis21 View Post
    As Criminal: Yeah, I put a dozen police officers in the hospital. They were on the payroll of the Thieves' Guild, who themselves are on the payroll of your mortal enemy.
    As king: I like the cut of your jib. I'm making you the new chief of police but only if you promise to be more corrupt than your predecessors.

    As criminal: I periodically harassed people on a forum by bombarding them with classic Simpsons clips like this:


  13. - Top - End - #13
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: You must learn the suffering caused by bad comedy. I hereby sentence you to update "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To the Forum". It must be clever, clean, and tickle the Royal funny bone or you will be made an example of in the Forum!


    As accused: Well, your Majesty, I was mining for gold, ...for your birthday present... and I found a real good vein and well, I may have sorta, kinda,... released a Balrog?
    A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade. - Chaucer

  14. - Top - End - #14
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlet Knight View Post
    As accused: Well, your Majesty, I was mining for gold, ...for your birthday present... and I found a real good vein and well, I may have sorta, kinda,... released a Balrog?
    As King: You must reform this balrog to be a proper member of society not unlike My Fair Lady. Also you must put to rest of this never ending argument of do balrogs have wings.

    As Criminal: I prank phone called someone so good it caused their answering machine to explode.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlet Knight View Post
    As King: You must learn the suffering caused by bad comedy. I hereby sentence you to update "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To the Forum". It must be clever, clean, and tickle the Royal funny bone or you will be made an example of in the Forum!
    What's that?
    Last edited by Magic_Hat; 2019-05-15 at 10:15 PM.

  15. - Top - End - #15
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Crisis21's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Prank calling is a serious offense. As such, I must forward all known prank and scam phone calls in the kingdom to your telephone for a period of no less than two years.


    As Criminal: Yes, I tied up Magic_Hat and stuffed him into a closet. He hasn't been letting posters in the thread respond to anyone but himself all day long.
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  16. - Top - End - #16
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: I grant thee lordship over 24 hectares of land, with 15 serfs to work it for you. What? No catch. You have done this kingdom a service.

    As Criminal: I freed Magic_Hat from the closet, believing he was some sort of genie and would grant me wishes for doing so.
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  17. - Top - End - #17
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    SunderedWorldDM's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Well, someone must replace him! How about it be you? Banishment to the closet!

    As Criminal: M'Lord, how was I supposed to know that lever opened the castle gates during that orcish siege?
    See that cool Teifling? Thanks, potatopeelerkin! If you want something like it, they have more avatars up for adoption in the thread with the same name...

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  18. - Top - End - #18
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Crisis21's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Because it was clearly labeled open gates? You have been found guilty of treason and will be fed to the moat monster at dawn.


    As Criminal: Look, I know it sounds crazy, but I was possessed against my will to do all those horrible things.
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  19. - Top - End - #19
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    DruidGuy

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: What horrible things? If you will not use your tounge to provide clarity I will find a better use for it, your tounge his to be chopped out and fed to hounds.

    As Criminal: I was accidentally freed a spirit that then possessed Crisis to specifically perform Arson, Murder and Jaywalking.
    Quote Originally Posted by RadarMonkey1 View Post
    I suddenly feel that my character is not as optimized as it could be...

    Oh well, it should still be fun.

  20. - Top - End - #20
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: We know that possesion is 9/10 of the law. Fortunately, the other 10th covers aiding and abetting. Therefore, I sentence you to have 1/10 of your tongue cut off for the crime of arson, 1/10 for murder, and another 1/10th cut off for the jaywalking.

    As accused: My liege, I am shocked to say that I was arrested simply for explainin' that strange women lyin' in ponds, distributin' swords, is no basis for a system of government!
    A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade. - Chaucer

  21. - Top - End - #21
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    SunderedWorldDM's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Well, maybe you'd like to take it up with her? To the bottom of the lake with ye!

    As Criminal: So what if I snuck into the castle? Your daughter, the princess, let me in!
    See that cool Teifling? Thanks, potatopeelerkin! If you want something like it, they have more avatars up for adoption in the thread with the same name...

    Hey, I have an extended signature now!

  22. - Top - End - #22
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Crisis21's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Yes, as part of a plot to assassinate me and all others ahead of her in the line of succession. She already confessed. You both will be beheaded at dawn for treason. Hopefully my other children will be less keen to murder their way onto the throne after this.


    As Criminal: Gy bolly, hour yighness, I'm not under the alcofluence of incohol! I was gust joing home, but seemone somes to have but pour yedroom in the way!
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  23. - Top - End - #23
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: To the drunk tank with you! And by drunk tank, I mean you'll be sealed up inside an empty whisky barrel and rolled up and downhill for 3 hours to sober you up.

    As Criminal: You see, your majesty, it was the prince's idea that we should change places for a time, so that he could experience life as a common peasant. I had no designs to impersonate him, but only did it under his highnesses orders.
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  24. - Top - End - #24
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Bless my soul, today I have learned a valuable lesson: that one should be judged by one's deeds, not on one's lineage. However, your deed of impersonating a member of the Royal family is punishable by flogging. And since I can't tell you or the Prince apart, you'll both be lashed. That should teach my son a truly valuable lesson about equality!

    As Accused: Your Majesty, I've truly tried to remove my hat in your presence. But as you can see, everytime I do, it uncovers a more ornate one beneath!
    A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade. - Chaucer

  25. - Top - End - #25
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As king.: Since you will not remove your hat from your head, I will remove your head from your hat. Guards, take him to be executed!

    As Criminal: Surely your majesty will appreciate the April Fool's joke we had planned for him. It was not our intent for the queen to be covered in glitter......
    Last edited by Ad'ika Beskarad; 2019-05-26 at 02:49 PM.

  26. - Top - End - #26
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Crisis21's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Indeed. The fact that your 'glitter bomb' contained only glitter is why the crown is allowing your head to remain attached to your neck. You are hereby fined 5000 gold pieces and sentenced to six months community service to teach the guard exactly how you were able to plant this 'prank' of yours without being caught. I fully expect there will not be a repeat of this event. Ever.


    As Criminal: Yes, I did throw the princess's fiance out her window to be dashed upon the ground. I found him trying to force himself upon her.
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  27. - Top - End - #27
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: And yet, in so doing, you only facilitated his escape! He flew off on his magic carpet only a moment later, and so you shall take his punishment as an accomplice. Prepare the rack!

    As criminal: The crown jewels in my bag? I have no idea how those got there. I was nowhere near the mysteriously opened vault at the top of the tower that was until recently guarded by a thousand men, a giant lion and an even gianter serpent.
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  28. - Top - End - #28
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Dire Moose's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As Queen: Stop trying to deny your guilt, thief! Im sentencing you to death by being fed to my pet Tyrannosaurus Rex.

    As criminal: My animal companion (a tiger) ate the prizewinning turkey at the royal fair.
    LGBTitp
    Genderfluid AMAB, hence the gender symbol. I switch as it suits me.

  29. - Top - End - #29
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    That's cool. The royal chef has always wanted to try working with tiger meat.

    Years ago, I was serving as a nurse and midwife and accidentally exchanged the baby prince with one of the servants' children.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty.
    Avatar by the Ninja Chocobo.

  30. - Top - End - #30
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    ElfWarriorGuy

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King, I sentence you to exile in a mountain villa far away where no-one will hear your story, although you will be treated well. *Very* well.
    As Criminal, I masqueraded as the legitimate Prince/King for decades before it was discovered that I didn't have the Royal Birthmark... And that a serving boy did.
    Xykon's not Evil. He just get bored really easily. And he doesn't have constructive hobbies.
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    Isn't Socksy adorabibbles?

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