The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
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  1. - Top - End - #121
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    as King" "Finally! I never could tell which fork I needed for salad. The Queen is such a stickler for these things. Now we shall have finger food! Hamburgers and fries tonight!"

    as accused: "Yes your Highness, I am a loyal subject and enjoy a good football match. I can't understand why everyone says I can't root for both Man U AND City? I mean, watching good clean play is the important thing, right? Ow! Tell the bloody court to stop throwing things!"
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  2. - Top - End - #122
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    Newscaster: "And the top story for tonight's news: The royal family is dead after a riot broke out inside the palace courtroom and burned the entire structure down. We will have more on that story at the bottom of the hour."

    Accused: "Iwkaikleluepd. tthheims yiosunr' htirgehanle.ss."
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  3. - Top - End - #123
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: For murdering the royal flea circus, you are hereby ordered to perform all of their acts daily on a scaled up circus campus that you are to have constructed by sundown, all on pain of death.

    As Criminal: Yes, IT WAS I THAT ATE THE LAST DONUT!
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  4. - Top - End - #124
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As Criminal: Yes, IT WAS I THAT ATE THE LAST DONUT!
    Did you say "donut"? Oh you're free to go. You see taking the last doughnut is punishable by death, but not donut.

    I lightly mocked someone online for spelling "doughnut" a different way. But it was all in good fun right? I mean you can take a joke right?

  5. - Top - End - #125
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    Donut is the American spelling. Luckily for you, the colonies don’t technically have a king anymore.

    I made a card-creation challenge forcing the challenger to include an element that was itself bad card design.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty.
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  6. - Top - End - #126
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.Gunsforhands View Post
    I made a card-creation challenge forcing the challenger to include an element that was itself bad card design.
    You will be frozen in carbonite and given to a giant space slug mob boss.

    I murdered an entire tribe of desert dwellers, betrayed the republic which has stood for a thousand years and/or generations, murdered children, used a psychic technique to strangle my pregnant wife, and worse of all I referenced the Star Wars prequels.

  7. - Top - End - #127
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Have a free swim in the lava! I insist.

    I seem to have created several bad lands in the various You Make the Cards threads for Magic the Gathering. I wasn't aware this was a crime, however.
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  8. - Top - End - #128
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    as King: "Let me see...um huh. These are truly terrible lands. These few are broken and will be banned immediately to casual. That will render them valuable and subject to Royal tax. These others are useless, thus will be placed in every deck purchased as filler, until another set comes out which will create a broken combo. The card will be banned and also subject to Royal tax. I commend you."


    as accused: "Yes your Majesty, I took your pipe and bowl but only because they are bad for the Royal lungs and stomach. I have no idea what happened to the fiddlers three."
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  9. - Top - End - #129
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: Then you shall play these three fiddles until your fingers fall off. All at the same time. If you stop, well, the royal torture chambers will do their best to motivate you to return to playing.

    As Criminal: Yes, I replaced the royal executioner's axe with Folger's Crystals. I really didn't think anyone would notice.
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  10. - Top - End - #130
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    King: Well lets see if anyone notices when we replace his axe with you!

    Criminal: I taunted Murphy, and I'd do it again! After all, how could this get any worse?
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  11. - Top - End - #131
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    Quote Originally Posted by EvilDMMk3 View Post
    Criminal: I taunted Murphy, and I'd do it again! After all, how could this get any worse?
    Throw 'em in the alligator pit!

    I robbed millions from the treasury to construct thousands of alligator pits to hurl criminals into.

  12. - Top - End - #132
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    As King: I thereby declare these Alligator pits the official tool of execution of my grand regime. THROW MAGIC_HAT IN!

    As Criminal: I kinda sorta accidentally pulled the drain plug for the alligator pits. Now the alligators are all dead from severe dehydration at the bottom of the pits and smelling really bad.
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  13. - Top - End - #133
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    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As Criminal: I kinda sorta accidentally pulled the drain plug for the alligator pits. Now the alligators are all dead from severe dehydration at the bottom of the pits and smelling really bad.
    Reanimate the alligators as Frankenstein monsters with the strength of 1,000 alligators each and feed Korith to them!

    I let the reanimated alligators outsmart me, and they escaped their cells.

  14. - Top - End - #134
    Pixie in the Playground
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    You may have the honor of personally catching every reanimated alligator and distributing them to safe family homes where they can have good lives out of the dangerous wild. You have until my wii remote runs out of power.

    I'm really sorry, but when the person came around trying to get me to adopt an alligator, I threw my wii remote at them.

  15. - Top - End - #135
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    King: So what you're saying is... you do not have a Switch? Yeaaaaaaaaaah, it's the gallows with you.

    Criminal: But I don't understand, what does it matter that I based my 40k miniatures on smaller bases? It seemed more form fitting.
    "I'M just a guy with a boomerang... I didn't ask for all this flying... and MAGIC!!!" -Sokka

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wuff View Post
    the biggest nerd ever who transforms into BEAR is of course alluring.

  16. - Top - End - #136
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    As KingFor this crime, both of your feet shall be forever welded to a scaled up base, and you shall be forced to move about by hopping up and down to carry your base with you. None shall be permitted to release you, on pain of death!

    As Criminal Um, yes, I did serve your majesty's eggs Sunny Side Up instead of Scrambled this morning. There seems to have been a miscommunication between the Royal Butler and the Kitchen.
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  17. - Top - End - #137
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    See, mummy?! *gasp* I told you! *sniff* I asked for scrambled! *hhh-* WAAAAAAH!
    (The king's widowed mother calmly reassures him that it's no big deal. She asks you to please go back to the kitchen and make some scrambled eggs.)

    Your highness! I caught your own chief of security leading a group of chained-up victims from the dungeon to the coliseum! Naturally, I captured him and released his prisoners! They were so grateful! I assume you asked me here so I could take his place in the royal guard?
    Last edited by Dr.Gunsforhands; 2019-09-11 at 06:21 PM.
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  18. - Top - End - #138
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    as King: "Well, you're HALF right..."

    as accused: "My Leige, I kidnapped the Count's daughter so you could seduce her as you requested. How was I to know he would curse your jester?"
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  19. - Top - End - #139
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: Your orders were to escort the Count's daughter, and her entourage so I could negotiate the terms of her marriage to the Prince! Now we've got a cursed jester who coughs up snakes whenever somebody laughs at him - and believe me, it's quite difficult to get the laughter to stop when the rainbow gummy snakes come up - and the Count is calling for open rebellion against my throne! You've not only failed at your assigned task, but you have failed in the worst way imaginable! This can't be mere incompetence, so I find you guilty of treason. You and your entire household, your next of kin, their next of kin, and your godfather are therefore banished to the frozen wastelands! If you ever show your faces here again, your fates will each be decided by a spin on the Wheel of Extremely Severe Punishments!

    Spoiler: Wheel of Extremely Severe Punishments
    Show

    The wheel of extremely severe punishments can be approximated by a d% roll. Here are the possible outcomes:

    01 - Hanging
    02 - Innards eaten by Ravens
    03 - Held in a steel cage over a lake of lava
    04 - Locked in a room for 16 hours with a machine that scrapes a nail against a blackboard
    05 - Right arm punctured by the tail of a giant scorpion
    06 - Walk the plank
    07 - Fed to the Sharkticons
    08 - Fed to the Crocodiles
    09 - Assigned to feed prisoners to the crocodiles
    10 - Gladiator duty
    11 - Cast in plaster. Not let out afterwards.
    12 - Delivered to the Medusa's lair in the Black Bog of Despair
    13 - Forced to watch the Royal Orphanage's live musical adaptation of War and Peace while chained to a chair and eyes forced open
    14 - Elbows stapled together
    15 - Shaved bald on the left side
    16 - Assigned to serve tea in the royal dungeons while wearing a pink tutu
    17 - Assigned to the frontlines in our war against the Horrific Witches of Absolute Terror
    18 - Assigned to the role of Jester Understudy
    19 - Assigned to cleaning the royal latrines
    20 - Thrown into the royal latrines
    21 - Assigned to dig new royal latrines
    22 - A heavy rock will be dropped on your big toe
    23 - Assigned a staring role in the Royal Orphanage's live musical adaptation of War and Peace. Please note that a prerequisite to this assignment is being an Orphan. If you are not already one, you will be made one.
    24 - Assigned to cleaning the latrines at the royal orphanage
    25 - Assigned to feed the royal orphans
    26 - WINNER! KING FOR A DAY!
    27 - Assigned to chase the rats out of the royal dungeons
    28 - Assigned to chase the rats back into the royal dungeons
    29 - Assigned to audit Lord Baron Clandestine III's tax returns
    30 - Assigned to collect taxes from Lord Baron Clandestine III
    31 - Assigned to the coal mines
    32 - Assigned to the iron mines
    33 - Assigned to the land mines
    34 - Assigned to the band of mimes
    35 - Dragged behind the fastest horse in the kingdom until dead.
    36 - Locked in a barrel and rolled down the side of the highest mountain in the kingdom
    37 - Banished to the Frozen Wastes
    38 - Fed to the Wolves in the Scary Forest
    39 - Released to the Fairies of the Scary Forest
    40 - WINNER! WINNER! CHICKEN DINNER!
    41 - Assigned as the royal food taster (if you die, then it was bad)
    42 - Assigned as the backup royal food taster (if the previous food taster died while tasting, then it's your job to double check)
    43 - WINNER! PRIME MINISTER FOR A DAY! (The Prime Minister has no actual authority here. He just gets to look cool and people blame him for stuff)
    44 - Hung upside down in the dungeon and force-fed prunes for a week
    45 - Given to Dr. Frankenstein for parts
    46 - Sawed in half, then stitched together, then released.
    47 - Eyes gouged out
    48 - Ears removed
    49 - Thumbs removed
    50 - Toes removed
    51 - Legs broken
    52 - Arms broken
    53 - Foot stepped on REALLY HARD by the biggest man in the kingdom
    54 - 3 square inches of skin removed and replaced with poison ivy
    55 - Sent over the highest waterfall in the kingdom in a barrel
    56 - Assigned to the Royal Navy
    57 - WINNER! 50 GOLD PIECES!
    58 - Drowned in the well of the most convenient enemy castle
    59 - Random organ surgically removed by apprentice doctors in training
    60 - Random organ surgically implanted by apprentice doctors in training
    61 - Told off with REALLY HARSH WORDS
    62 - Letter written to parents condemning your behavior
    63 - Assigned as chef for the Royal Orphanage.
    64 - Assigned as ferry man. You're chained to the ferry and required to take anyone who asks across the nearest convenient lake without a ferry man
    65 - Commended to the guild of thieves
    66 - Drawn and Quartered
    67 - Painted and Framed as a Living Art Piece. (Living Art Pieces are not permitted to leave their frames)
    68 - WINNER! YOU'RE BARON OF WHATEVER PIECE OF LAND WE CONQUER NEXT! (IF MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE WON THIS DISTINCTION, THEY ARE QUEUED AND ASSIGNED LANDS IN THE ORDER THEY ARE CONQUERED)
    69 - Assigned to royal dog bathing duty
    70 - Assigned to royal dog grooming duty
    71 - Assigned to royal cat bathing duty
    72 - Assigned to royal cat grooming duty
    73 - Painted turquoise and released
    74 - Imposed a fine of 7 gold pieces
    75 - Bail posted at 100 gold pieces
    76 - Trial before a jury of your peers
    77 - Trial before a jury of your friends
    78 - Trial before a jury that always rules "Guilty" and asks for the worst punishment on the books, but made slightly worse still
    79 - Fired from the royal Trebuchet into the lake
    80 - Fired from the royal Trebuchet into the walls of whatever castle we invade next
    81 - Assigned to pig feeding duty
    82 - Fed to the pigs
    83 - Assigned to clean the pig pens
    84 - Assigned to clean the pigs
    85 - Married off to a wealthy widow with issues
    86 - Enrolled into the Royal Space Program as a rocket tester (to date, there have been no survivors)
    87 - The Royal Criers will publicly declare your offenses to every community in the land. People will be told to jeer you on sight.
    88 - Everyone on the kingdom is forbidden to talk to you
    89 - You are forced to wear shoes one size too small for the rest of your life
    90 - Thrown into the royal dungeon
    91 - Sold to the Circus
    92 - Assigned to the kingdom's "Scared Straight" program where you'll tell misbehaving kids about the terrible things that will happen to them and their families if they defy the throne.
    93 - Lemon juice in the eyes
    94 - Forced to take the Cinnamon Challenge (don't do this at home, kids)
    95 - Forced to take the Cessium Challenge (seriously, don't do this at home, kids)
    96 - Forced to take the Ice Bucket Challenge (um, make sure you have a towel and someplace warm to go)
    97 - Assigned to the position of Royal Pony (you will be forced to give children from the Royal Orphanage pony rides on your back for the rest of your days)
    98 - Test subject for the Royal Perfumer (you'll never smell right again, and we mean that both ways)
    99 - Crash Test Dummy for Royal Chariot Designers
    00 - Spin (erm, Roll) again, twice


    As Criminal: I can't believe I ate the whole thing....Baron Pignacious of Clovenwood was quite delicious, though.
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  20. - Top - End - #140
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    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    What is it with you all and eating people? ONE MILLION YEARS DUNn-nuwhah? What's that? An honorary barony? Conferred to the prizewinning hog at the fair? I see. TWENTY-FOUR HOURS DUNGEON FOR NOT SHARING!

    -

    Faulty intelligence? Excuse me? I verified the troop movements with three different sources, those plans were legit! ...the whole legion, routed? My... my sister was in that legion... Gods... I'm sorry! The enemy must have... changed their plans at the last minute for some reason?
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty.
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  21. - Top - End - #141
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flyingbooks42 View Post
    I accidentally used a reversal spell on Blinky the basilisk and now it's running around turning statues into people! The sculptor's guild will be so angry!
    As King: So there's a basilisk turning all the classical nude sculptures into flesh? You good sir are getting a lordship! But don't tell my mother-in-law! [insert laugh track and cut to commercial]

    As criminal: I can't stop making dumb, sitcom jokes in the silly message board games.

  22. - Top - End - #142
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: Hey, we've got three sentencings today! Let's spin the wheel!

    For DrGunsforhands, the punishment for your faulty intelligence information is....(ROLLS A 23)....you'll be playing Napoleon Bonaparte in the Royal Orphanage's Musical Rendition of War and Peace! How suitable! Of course, to qualify, I'll need you three men to go deal with any living parents of the Doctor. I hope you're well prepared for your death scene!

    For MagicHat, on the charge of making sitcom jokes, the punishment is...(ROLLS A 34)...you've been assigned to the Band of Mimes! Surgeon General, please do take him away and remove his tongue, and prepare his costume after we've determined....

    For MagicHat's second charge, for sentencing someone who's already been sentenced on a previous page, the punishment is...(ROLLS AN 11)...you'll be cast in plaster and not let out. Well, now we need to decide which order to apply these sentences in. Both crimes took place at the same time, so we can't go by that. I guess we'll flip a coin? Heads is the Tongue, Tails is the Plaster. (COINFLIP = TAILS). Well, it's the plaster. If you ever get out, you'll be going to the Band of Mimes.

    As Criminal: So it turns out there's a few glitcheswith the Wheel of Extremely Severe Punishments. The reviews are saying that some of the punishments aren't as advertised...I guess that means not severe enough? And there's also apparently this issue with if multiple sentences are applied it's hard to sort out what order to perform them in. So, yeah. Sorry about that.
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  23. - Top - End - #143
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    I mean, I was willing to use my kingly authority to re-roll on a case-by-case basis, but the lower courts need something stable to look to for precedent. Still, you did go to all the trouble of making it, so let's give it a good send-off, eh?

    [roll]1d100[/roll]

    I brought about the plague of dachsunds that has recently befallen the kingdom. It was the result of a ritual to an obscure god whose nature I did not research sufficiently beforehand. I throw myself at your mercy and that of a million tiny doggos.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty.
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  24. - Top - End - #144
    Pixie in the Playground
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    As King. Kill all the Badgers that have been running rampant, and then go home. God, dachshunds. At least it wasn't Chihuahuas....

    As criminal: You can kill me, but the enemy is at the gates and your city is under siege. Your family is cursed, and the populace is now aware of your foreign dealings. Oh, and my agent opened the gate five minutes ago. Those fireballs going off were the signal.

  25. - Top - End - #145
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    You are to be rolled in the new and upgraded auto-punishing wheel of extremely severe punishments! (rolls a 65). You have been commended to the guild of thieves. Have fun in your new position as teacher of Advanced Backstabbing and Stealing From Friends!


    I procrastinated about turning off the universe switch for about 13.7 billion years.
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    I am agender, so please use gender-neutral pronouns when referring to me, and, unless I explicitly say otherwise, my characters.

  26. - Top - End - #146
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flyingbooks42 View Post
    I procrastinated about turning off the universe switch for about 13.7 billion years.
    So it's because of you the universe had to suffer through Rob Schneider and Adam Sandler? You shall be thrown into a void of infinite pain for all eternity where one second of misery feels like 10,000 generation of suffering.

    I stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

  27. - Top - End - #147
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King
    Why me?
    Couldn't be!
    It was you?
    It's TRUE?!?!?
    For your sentence, I decree:
    Ever rhyming you shall be
    In verse, henceforth, you shall speak
    For a duration of one week
    And when this given time has ended
    I decree this fault shall then be mended

    As Criminal: While this constable claims that I was traveling at nine Pfalz to the hour on horseback through the streets of your Majesty's fine city, I challenge this claim! My horse has been bred and trained for carrying burdens, not shows of speed! Indeed, I do believe that this constable was himself besotted and incapable of rendering any sort of sound and fair judgment of how fast one horse may have been travelling!
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  28. - Top - End - #148
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    Hmm. I think I understand the confusion. We use Imperial-but-not-that-imperial-with-rather-a-lot-of-regional-democracy Units. He said Pphatznot Pfalz. That is to say somewhat less than 3 inches or about 25 inches an hour. You shall be fined 12,000 Somewhat-Imperial crowns for obstructing the street.

    I am accused to short-changing my customer, but I swear all my receipts add up. In base 8 at least. They are just too drunk to do the maths!
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  29. - Top - End - #149
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    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    as King: "Let me see those receipts...hmmm. Charged 'em for the lice, extra for the mice. Two percent for looking in the mirror twice ? You are a man of cunning & talent who may serve the crown as a tax collector. Fortunately we have several positions open suddenly in our Nottingham territory."

    as accused: "Yes, your Majesty, I am here as... what? Huh, that's funny. Yes, I seemed to have lost one of my sandals."
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  30. - Top - End - #150
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    Sorry, we haven't accepted the, 'but I'm the comic relief!' defense in some time. Your sandal was found at the scene of the murder! You go to jail forever.

    *huff, huff,* Okay! I, *Uhuff,* I recaptured all of the prisoners, brought back your son, (*pant,* I told you he was in good hands! *pant,*) released your adviser, (who is still totally evil, by the way,) and finally finished grouting the all the bathrooms! NOW can I join the royal guard?
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty.
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