The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
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  1. - Top - End - #31
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    King: You shall be sent to a neighboring kingdom as our ambassador. The king there is of a foul temper and tends to have ambassadors executed nightly.

    Criminal: Your majesty, I assure you that the crown I sold you was of the purest gold at the time of the sale. I cannot account for how it became a pile of straw come the morning.
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  2. - Top - End - #32
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    As King: Of course you can. This is clear evidence of consorting with the fae, a crime punishable by banishment into the Lost Woods from which none have ever returned.

    As Criminal: Sir, I guarantee you that I am not in any way involved with witchcraft. All I have ever done is tend my land, love my wife, raise my family, and every so often take some fresh food to that kindly old lady who lives in the woods.
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  3. - Top - End - #33
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    As King: "Who? The sweet old crone in the Gingerbread house? She brings me meat-pies once a month! Delicious, but I can't place the meat...not lamb...not goat...maybe kid? Anyway, you are free to go."

    As accused: "Your Majesty, I did produce the magical clothing requested! Anyone who is not a fool can see that!"
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  4. - Top - End - #34
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    Ah, I see. The so-called Legendary Silk, so light and fine that certain simpletons fail to so much as notice it. Interesting. Surely if you were clever enough to perceive such a theoretical substance, it would have occurred to you that I might not wish to be seen parading around naked by those who cannot. For your laziness, your cowardice and your feeble attempt at treachery, I sentence you to hard labor, the lion pits, and a botched execution by guillotine.

    In resisting your sibling's amorous advances, I accidentally killed them. They cornered me in private, and so there were no witnesses to corroborate the details one way or the other. The physical evidence amounts to a glass bottle in the throat, and you have no real reason to trust me.
    Last edited by Dr.Gunsforhands; 2019-05-30 at 02:24 AM.
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  5. - Top - End - #35
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    King: Good riddance! He was a likely usurper anyway. I award you with this iron dagger and this crest, which is known by those who are truly loyal to me.

    Criminal: Indeed, sire, it is I that lowered the drawbridge to grant the warlock entrance. He promised me that no harm would come to you, only that he would see to it that you would learn a valuable lesson about oppressing your serfs.
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  6. - Top - End - #36
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    As King: So what you are telling me is that not only are you a traitor, you are a gullible fool as well. In that case, your head shall join his upon the pikes atop the battlements.

    As Criminal: Your majesty, all I can say is that I was unaware it was illegal for an elf and a dwarf to marry when they asked me to officiate.
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  7. - Top - End - #37
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    It would not have been illegal, if you were a licensed cleric and you'd properly checked them for charm spells! You will not find rest until the Prince of Chertstone is safely returned home. Now leave my sight, Human, and do not come back without my son!

    I've been embezzling money from the royal treasury to keep my noble house afloat. My family doesn't know about it.
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  8. - Top - End - #38
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    As queen: And if you've just asked for a small loan of a million gold-pieces, we wouldn't have had this issue, but here we are. You are hereby promoted to chief treasurer and tasked with ensuring all gold that the crown is owed will actually be obtained, and nothing goes missing. Your eldest son will join our trade operation in the far east. I'm certain you are aware of the costs of this operation, and the only way we can keep them supplied and running is if nothing goes awry with the treasury. Otherwise the members of that expedition might very well get stranded in a rather hostile land. And that would be a shame, wouldn't it?

    As accused: Now my lord, I would like to point out we had a big sign warning against wearing metal openly in the exhibit tent, so you can hardly blame me that our rust monster ate your crown, rings, and the other assorted jewelry you where wearing, right?
    Last edited by DeTess; 2019-05-31 at 05:37 AM.
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  9. - Top - End - #39
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    As Inquisitor: I'm aware, professor. In truth, I did not bring you here as a defendant... but as an expert witness!

    As Crowd: *gasps and murmurs*

    As Inquisitor: Professor, is it not true that rust monsters typically snub precious metals, as they are quite difficult to oxidize and digest?

    As You: You say something in the affirmative, albeit in a more specific and informative manner than the dilettante detective.

    As Inquisitor: And yet, your highness, the animal jumped to you immediately despite having been fed recently, and instantly destroyed your entire collection as though it were made of the cheapest iron. Thus I submit, your highness, that the jewelry you lost was not eaten at all. It never even made it to the exhibit, but was previously replaced with cheap iron decoys!

    As Crowd: *gasps and murmurs*

    As Monarch: Ridiculous! I would have noticed such a dire fake!

    As Inquisitor: Yes, given a moment to examine it, I wouldn't doubt that. Which is why I would like to call to the stand someone who had access to them just before you were hurriedly dressed for the visit, and more to the point someone who knew exactly what you were going to see ahead of time - your right-hand servant and secretary, (Defendant)!

    --

    As (Defendant): That's a pretty interesting conspiracy theory you have there, inquisitor, but at this point I could say I was off smoking unicorns all morning and you would still not have a case. Where's your positive evidence of such a switch? Where are the real jewels stored away?
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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  10. - Top - End - #40
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    As Queen: "If I may, your Majesty, this reminds me of a time when I was a little girl & the royal baker wanted to steal a Persian cat so he shaved it like a Sphynx..."

    King: "My love, what has this to do..."

    Queen: "Oh, me, how silly of me. Guard, bring his Majesty the secretary's walking stick. Please be careful. You'll find it much heavier than a typical wooden one. I also believe we may need to prepare a public caning for tomorrow for the villian. Then we simply must knight the Inquisitor."

    As accused: "Ah, your Majesty. I am so glad you summoned us. My two companions and I have been traveling for over a week, over field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star. I'm sure you can tell us where we can find the new born king so we may pay homage. Um, why is your eye twitching? OOOH, I see. My mistake. Well, can you tell where the woman ...who you left still a virgin... might be found?"
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  11. - Top - End - #41
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    As King: I know not where he is, but bid thee go in peace, only return to me at once after you have found him and paid homage, so that I too, may pay him a...visit.

    As Accused: Yes, I've been raiding your goatherds by night dressed as a wandering dragon. And I'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for these meddling kids that ate my costume! bleat bleat
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  12. - Top - End - #42
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    As King: I sentence you to the task of expunging your fellow dragons from my countryside. What a valuable asset you will be, Mr Dragon!

    As the Accused(I swear I'm innocent): uh, those explosives are not mine, but those pants are. I don't know how that happened, your Majesty...

  13. - Top - End - #43
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    The stupidest part of this is that I think I believe you. So, someone stuck a pile of bombs down your trousers without your notice. It prompts me to ask: how and when were they planning on detonating them?

    - -

    Hi! I assassinated you with a pants-bomb! Apparently you survived somehow?
    Last edited by Dr.Gunsforhands; 2019-06-05 at 10:53 PM.
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  14. - Top - End - #44
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King Queen: OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!


    As Criminal: So... um... yeah, I executed those guys in an extremely bloody manner without regard for the legal system. In my defense, they did blow up my house.
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  15. - Top - End - #45
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    as King: "Young man, without the Law, we are naught but barbarians! The Law must be upheld. Still, you are now homeless. So in our mercy we will use your skills for the Law. Take him to the dungeon and tell the Royal torturer he has a new apprentice."

    as accused: “Beggin’ yer pardon, yer ‘ighness, it’s all rot. I was walking ‘ome, when a Bishop asks me if I’m from Singapore? ‘No’ sez I, but ‘e says I’d do and sez ‘e wants to show me a relic. So I goes in the alley and ‘e got ‘is tallywacker out! ‘A bob for me knob’, sez ‘e. I scream out, ‘A bob!’ so the watch comes by, lets the bloke off with a wink and a nod but pinches me! ‘e says I need to see you before ‘e can lop off me ‘ead fer desecretin’ the clergy! Don’t take me ‘ead! I can be far more useful wit it attached to me throat!”
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  16. - Top - End - #46
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    Ugh, fine, I'm executing all three of you. The bishop for sex trafficking, you for conspiring to discredit the church, and the guard for filing a false report either way.

    -

    It's okay, your highness! I heard that someone was planning to kidnap your son, too, so I broke in and rescued him yesterday! Uh, where is he now? Well, I left him at my friend's house, and I stopped to check on them this morning, but they weren't there. But it's okay! My friend is a cool and tough wizard! Not evil or insane at all! The prince is in good hands with her!
    Last edited by Dr.Gunsforhands; 2019-06-09 at 12:37 AM.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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  17. - Top - End - #47
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King Know this then, that your fate and that of your entire family shall be the same as his. If he returns safely, then so shall you all. If any misfortune comes to him, then the same shall be inflicted upon you and your relatives. I suggest you contact your friend.

    As Accused Your majesty, I had no knowledge of your law preventing the wearing of sandals with socks. It's so comfortable, you see. You ought to try it for yourself.
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  18. - Top - End - #48
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    As King Ignorance of the law may mitgate in some cases, but this is a violation of the law most fundemental and natural. OFF WITH HIS FEET!

    As Prisoner I was fully aware of the law preventing the handling of salmon is suspicious circumstances, but I did it anyway, and I would do it again!
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  19. - Top - End - #49
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    The King
    "Suspicious? Why would it be suspicious?! I passed the law myself, and I'm definitely not a salmon in a clever disguise! How dare you make such an accusation! Guards, cut him down where he stands! Before he spreads more LIES! glub"

    The Accused
    "I was bringing my new friend to see my house at the bottom of the lake, and she suddenly started gasping and choking... I didn't know what to do, so I came back up to get help... but the other humans attacked me before I could say a word... I fought to defend myself until the guard came, and they brought me here... What happened to my friend? Do you know what's wrong with her?"
    Last edited by Dr.Gunsforhands; 2019-06-22 at 11:30 PM.
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  20. - Top - End - #50
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    King: Execution via guillotine at dawn for terminal stupidty. Also, your friend drowned. She's dead.

    Criminal: I don't actually remember what happened. Considering the pounding in and out of my head, I'd say there was a hell of a barfight. Also, could I get new clothes? Mine are soaked with blood.
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
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    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  21. - Top - End - #51
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    King: You are correct, in that you were fighting the entire staff and all the patrons of the bar, over something you said. Which was treason. Hanging by the neck until dead it is! And you will get new clothes for that, yes.

    Prisoner: I can explain! I haven't paid my taxes because I was busy trying to decipher the tax laws...and yes, I know I'm the Minister of Finance...
    Last edited by OccamsSword; 2019-06-22 at 09:37 PM.

  22. - Top - End - #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by OccamsSword View Post
    Prisoner: I can explain! I haven't paid my taxes because I was busy trying to decipher the tax laws...and yes, I know I'm the Minister of Finance...
    I'm gonna pull a Futurama and sentence you to a weekend with the Pain Monster.



    He seems friendly.

    As a prisoner I'm responsible for how bad the Star Wars prequels are. Me and George got super drunk in the late 90s and early 00s. He wrote them while intoxicated. It's my fault. I kept saying one more beer couldn't hurt and then he came up with Jar Jar. I'm sorry! But in my defense I had nothing to do with the Last Jedi.

  23. - Top - End - #53
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    King: "You! You're the reason for all the suffering? The midichlorians? Darth Jesus? Hayden Christensen? Everything? While you did admit your crime, you must still make ammends for the suffering you have caused. Therefopre, I sentence you to host a panel at every Star Wars convention for the next 10 years to answer to the fans you have wronged!"

    Accused: "Why yesss, Fath...um, Uncle, I am accused of treason. But not against you. I accuse the Queen of adultery with your favorite knight."
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  24. - Top - End - #54
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    Arthur:*Sighs* "Thank you, Mordred, I'll have someone look into it immediately. However, S-Nephew, You still need to be punished. I'm demoting you back to Squire."

    Criminal: "Well, I thought that since there was silver in the moon, I could just mine it. How was I supposed to know it housed some sort of eldritch-god-thing?"
    Last edited by Laughing Dog; 2019-06-23 at 08:30 AM. Reason: typo
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  25. - Top - End - #55
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    King: By going through the proper channels and applying for a mining permit with the Celestial Body Maintaince Authority and Cythoic Entity Presevation council, that's how! As the head of a major mining conglomerate you should know this. I have no option but to fine you an amount that represents a trivial percentage of your salary and let you go and get another job in the same industry.

    Prisoner: OK, so they SAY I ate Mount Olympus, but I ask you, what sense does that make?
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  26. - Top - End - #56
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    King: Considering there are still some rock crumbs at the corners of your mouth, and we have several eyewitnesses, and also you're made of rock and presumably eat it too, it makes an ALARMING amount of sense. We sentence you to the reconstruction of Mount Olympus as punishment, and should you fail in your task you are to be shackled at the bottom of the ocean until such time as Poseidon forgives you.

    Prisoner: I say that the gods shouldn't murder whoever they like on a whim, and somehow I'm the crazy one, and am accused of blasphemy...
    Xykon's not Evil. He just get bored really easily. And he doesn't have constructive hobbies.
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  27. - Top - End - #57
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    this is not murder. this is pest control.

    Behold! Using illegal science and a genetic sample from the royal garbage, I've cloned a being that is half-you, half-gerbil! According to my studies, the genetic match means that Fluffy is technically third in line to your throne! Only I have the knowledge to properly care for them! What do you think of that?
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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  28. - Top - End - #58
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    As (former) King: Aha! The joke's on you! I abdicated from the throne 40 minutes ago and put Meowserath Zinthos, the half-me, half-cat clone in charge! And he's chasing Fluffy as we speak!

    As criminal: I'm not insane! I'm from the future! I've come to warn you that your squire did conspire with the choir to desire to inquire on the matter of disaster whereby later they would bait her to invade your royal throne!
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  29. - Top - End - #59
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As criminal: I'm not insane! I'm from the future! I've come to warn you that your squire did conspire with the choir to desire to inquire on the matter of disaster whereby later they would bait her to invade your royal throne!
    As king: Too many rhymes! I sentence you to make an audio books for every Dr. Suess book.

    As prisoner: I'm responsible for the Principal and the Pauper. That's right. I got drunk with Matt Groening, and we wrote the episode. Then we turned in the script, and they animated it. I'm sorry!

  30. - Top - End - #60
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    Okay, that is IT. We are strapping you into a chair and reprogramming you, Clockwork Orange-style, to never watch or mention The Simpsons again.

    I ate a baby! It was a moment of weakness. But I am pretty sure it was already dead when I found it in the dumpster? That is to say, please don't automatically blame me for stealing and killing the baby I ate.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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