The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
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  1. - Top - End - #61
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    The punishment for cannibalism is... being strapped in a chair with your eyes forced open Robot Chicken style and being forced to watch every Simpsons episode on repeat, at the same time.

    How was I supposed to know that stabbing someone 83 times would kill them?
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  2. - Top - End - #62
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: For stabbing Bleedy the Court Jester 83 times, the sentence is a light slap on the wrist. Guards!
    With that settled, for being the person wielding the knife who got blood on the royal rugs, the sentence is execution by bisection and buzzards. Sentence will be carried out on the south tower at dawn.

    As Criminal: Wait, buzzard poaching is illegal here? I had no idea!
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  3. - Top - End - #63
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As King: For stabbing Bleedy the Court Jester 83 times, the sentence is a light slap on the wrist. Guards!
    With that settled, for being the person wielding the knife who got blood on the royal rugs, the sentence is execution by bisection and buzzards. Sentence will be carried out on the south tower at dawn.

    As Criminal: Wait, buzzard poaching is illegal here? I had no idea!
    As king: Since your were buzzard hunting, you shall now become the buzzard hunted. By that I mean we're putting you in a room with large, rabid, man-eating buzzards.

    As criminal: I'll tell you my crimes once I'm done eating this delicious panda burger. I swear I must eat like a dozen of these a week. I know it's illegal, but the fact they're endangered somehow makes them more delicious. Wanna bite?

  4. - Top - End - #64
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    as King: "Well, I must say, it's not often I get to administer poetic justice. Do we still have those rare Sumatran tigers in the animal sanctuary hospital? Good. When they heal up enough, we'll fast them for a bit and then introduce this cheeky fellow to them."

    as Accused: "You Majesty, we at Mayfair's Madrigal Magpies provide the finest in avian entertainment. If when the pie is opened, the four and twenty blackbirds are to sing, the pie can NOT BE BAKED! I cannot be held responsible for the Royal Cook's idiocy!"
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  5. - Top - End - #65
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlet Knight View Post
    as King: "Well, I must say, it's not often I get to administer poetic justice. Do we still have those rare Sumatran tigers in the animal sanctuary hospital? Good. When they heal up enough, we'll fast them for a bit and then introduce this cheeky fellow to them."

    as Accused: "You Majesty, we at Mayfair's Madrigal Magpies provide the finest in avian entertainment. If when the pie is opened, the four and twenty blackbirds are to sing, the pie can NOT BE BAKED! I cannot be held responsible for the Royal Cook's idiocy!"
    "Truly? Well then, I suppose I will have to let you go then. On your way out, please have the Royal Cook come in."

    "Well, you see sire, I's may've killed that one chap, Lancylot. In ma's defnce he were trysin' ta kills ma!"
    That was painful to type.
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  6. - Top - End - #66
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: For killing Lancylot, you are hereby sentenced to take his place. You must now go forth in search of the Holy Grail. Failure to return with it will result in your summary execution by boiling in oil.

    As Criminal: Your royal highness, it was indeed I who put the green bar of soap upon the blue soap tray. You see, I have difficulty telling the difference between the two.
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  7. - Top - End - #67
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As Criminal: Your royal highness, it was indeed I who put the green bar of soap upon the blue soap tray. You see, I have difficulty telling the difference between the two.
    As king: I'll make sure you never confuse one color for another by removing your eyes.

    As prisoner: I stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

  8. - Top - End - #68
    Troll in the Playground
     
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    King: Sigh, you know I hoped we wouldn't have to deal with this again after the whole business with the queen's tarts. Off with his head!

    Prisoner: Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat...
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  9. - Top - End - #69
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    King: Do tell me all about it when you've got the time. In the mean time, rip him open, take it back, guys.

    As Accused: Well sire, if you'll just LOOK INTO MY EYES you'll see that I AM CLEARLY AN INNOCENT MAN.
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  10. - Top - End - #70
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    King: Sure. Guards, bring this person a mirror so he can look in his honest, innocent eyes himself.

    Criminal: "Your Majesty, I'm sorry that I took your dice without asking, and I promise never to do it again."
    Last edited by Erythrina; 2019-07-17 at 10:28 AM.

  11. - Top - End - #71
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    No big deal. Thanks for volunteering to buy the pizza for next session, by the way.

    I took all of the books from the library! Are they overdue already?
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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  12. - Top - End - #72
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    Great! Here are some book recommendations. Let me just set a few nanomachines to restock the libraries.

    I... umm... might have sort of destroyed a few dozen universes?
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  13. - Top - End - #73
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    That's bad. Go to your room. And don't go out until you create a few dozen of new ones.

    Your Majesty, I'm sorry I confused your son with a pauper I know. You see, their faces are really similiar.

  14. - Top - End - #74
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erythrina View Post
    That's bad. Go to your room. And don't go out until you create a few dozen of new ones.

    Your Majesty, I'm sorry I confused your son with a pauper I know. You see, their faces are really similiar.
    Take this hundred gold, and don't tell my wife.

    I may have accidently created a way to turn squirrels into bears.
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  15. - Top - End - #75
    Troll in the Playground
     
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    You may? As in, you aren't sure? What kind of mad scientist are you? And it was supposed to be squirrels into wolves, not bears! Still it might still work, send him to hard labour until he knows if he did it or not, then get ready for the mass-production phase with a 7% pay cut.

    OK, so I broke several laws of nature, god, thermodynamics, physics and cricket but technically nothing I did was against the law of man.
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  16. - Top - End - #76
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    Are you really that foolish?! You've singlehandedly destroyed our alliance with the Cricket Federation and brought us to the brink of war! I should have you strung up for treason!

    So. You've found me. The evidence seems to indicate that I've been blackmailing your healers into giving me hundreds of containers of donated blood, yet the blood itself is nowhere on the premises. What do you do?
    Last edited by Dr.Gunsforhands; 2019-07-18 at 11:19 AM.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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  17. - Top - End - #77
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Erythrina's Avatar

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    I find a tiny blood stain on your carpet and sentence you to death for spilling another person's blood.
    Also, half of my healers have been executed as well, because anyone should be careful when sending blood containers to the person blackmailing them.

    Yes, I stole your crown. But it's only because it was so beautiful and shiny! You have wonderful taste, your majesty!

  18. - Top - End - #78
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: Thank you. Chef, please prepare the prisoner for the feast!

    As Outlaw : But they were so....yummy!
    Last edited by Korith; 2019-07-18 at 01:43 PM.
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  19. - Top - End - #79
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As King: Thank you. Chef, please prepare the prisoner for the feast!

    As Outlaw : But they were so....yummy!
    For eating the Royal family, you will be executed.

    I didn't impersonate the magistrate, I swear!
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  20. - Top - End - #80
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laughing Dog View Post
    I didn't impersonate the magistrate, I swear!
    As queen: *Sigh*... when I said the charge was 'impersonating a magistrate' it was a comment on your lack of competence, not a literal claim that you where impersonating yourself. Either way, I'm stripping you of your position as magistrate. I'm also hereby seizing that mine your family owns, and granting it to my 2-year old son, to be exploited as he, and only he, sees fit. That should teach your father about the problems of nepotism exercised without any evaluation of competence.

    As accused: Your majesty, I was not aware that there where laws against preaching? I promise, the teachings of Demos, god of general education and public discourse are no threat to anyone!
    Last edited by DeTess; 2019-07-27 at 04:53 PM.
    Jasnah avatar by Zea Mays

  21. - Top - End - #81
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    as King: " Good Woman, nothing is farther from the truth! We encourage the free worship of many religions and therefore public discussion is needed in a thriving society. However, to keep your worshippers safe there must be some safety regulations. There is a gathering permit fee, crowd security charge, fee to check the contents of your preaching to ensure no seditious language is used, trigger word editor fee...that comes to... hmmm, carry the six... I hope you brought your coin purse. Owing money to the Crown is subject to severe punishments."

    as accused: "My Lord, I deny the accusation of racism. I am an elf, and all the kingdom knows that we are far less prejudice than your other subjects such as the drunken dwarves, lazy hobbits, or thieving humans."
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  22. - Top - End - #82
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: Then you are thusly sentenced with teaching your enlightened views to the drunken dwarves, lazy hobbits and thieving humans of the land. You shall share your views in the public square from sunrise to sunset. You shall be fed before sunrise, and after sunset. You are not to rest during this time, on pain of torture. You are not to defend yourself if attacked during your teaching, on pain of death, for that would certainly prove your alleged prejudice. When a consecutive week of your teaching has passed where none have struck you in response, we shall know that you have passed along your wisdom.

    As Criminal: But your majesty, I'm sure you'll find that Section 403.7S83 of the Fantasy Realm Code allows for the provision of ironic magical punishments. When I turned those children who were throwing rocks at my garden gnomes into a shrubbery, I was just doing my duty as a magical creature!
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  23. - Top - End - #83
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    As the king: It allows for such provision, yes, but only by the proper authorities. Since you are so interested in the duties of magical creatures and the laws of the realm, I sentence you to be buried to the neck in the doodies of magical creatures while a magical construct with the voice of Gilbert Gottfried reads you the entire legal code, every word and comma, ten times over.

    As the accused: I made this perfect duplicate of your mysteriously missing crown myself, and anyone who says I stole your is a liar!
    -- Joe
    “Shared pain is diminished. Shared joy is increased.”
    -- Spider Roninson

    Always remember that anything posted on the internet is, in a practical if not a legal sense, in the public domain.
    You are completely welcome to use anything I post here, or I wouldn't post it.

  24. - Top - End - #84
    Troll in the Playground
     
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    King: Yes I know, the originals were found in the Jewelkeeper's picnic basket. But the penalty for forgery is to have one's hands removed and the goods confiscated. It will be nice to have a spare.

    Prisoner: We didn't start the fire! Its been always burning, since the world's been turning!
    Last edited by Evil DM Mark3; 2019-08-02 at 03:50 AM.
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  25. - Top - End - #85
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: Very well, but since you were seen taking the fire your punishment will be appropriately Promethean. You are therefore banished to the mountains of the distant East where you will be chained to a rock and will be consumed by a fowl creature for all eternity while your organs are magically regenerated each night to prolong the punishment.

    As Criminal: It was love, your majesty! True love! All that I did was in the name of love. How this resulted in the Royal Orphanage being thrown into the ocean I cannot really say, but my motives were pure!
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  26. - Top - End - #86
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    That's OK, just don't let it happen again.

    Wait, no, I'm not impersonating the king for the purpose of handing out ridiculously light punishments!
    -- Joe
    “Shared pain is diminished. Shared joy is increased.”
    -- Spider Roninson

    Always remember that anything posted on the internet is, in a practical if not a legal sense, in the public domain.
    You are completely welcome to use anything I post here, or I wouldn't post it.

  27. - Top - End - #87
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BlackDragon

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    We of course know this your light punishments allowed us to dispose of the real king and take the throne and the kingdom. The people love you I believe we will make you co minister of justice along with my pet basilisk. That should keep the serfs happy.

    My lord freeing your pet basilisk was to keep the serfs happy. How was I to know that it was hungry unhappy and could eat that many serfs, guards, nobles...

  28. - Top - End - #88
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    as King: " You ...you released Blinky? In her weakened state? Do you know how many HUNGRY SERFS ARE OUT THERE?! Wait, do I smell mesquite? YOU GET OUT THERE AND BRING HER BACK OR I SWEAR I WILL ROLL YOU IN BBQ SAUCE AND TELL THE PEASANTS YOU ARE A GRIFFIN HOT WING!!!!"

    as accused: "In keeping with the Crown's 'Reuse,Recycle, Reanimate' initiative, I was selling peasants petrified by the basilisk as garden statuary. The good news is we've closed part of our budget gap. The bad news is that their next of kin and the sculptors guild are up in arms."
    “A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade.” - Chaucer

  29. - Top - End - #89
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    As King: This is a simple matter to rectify. First, any next of Kin who demand reparations may come forth. Ah, good. In order to prove that your claim is just, you shall be enrolled in single combat against Blinky the Basilisk, who is currently roosting in the courtyard. If you succeed, we shall know that your claim is ordained by the gods and you shall receive a keep and three hundred men at your service. If you fail, well...oh, you all wish to withdraw your claims? Very well. As for the matter of the Sculptors guild, it seems that your rights to the statuary market have been overstepped. As a matter of compensation you shall be granted a free lease upon the Slithering Swamp of the South where the Festering Medusa lairs. I hear there is ample supply of fine, workable marble to be had there. You need only send your representatives to lay claim. And might I suggest that you send them with mirrored helmets?

    As Accused: For seven nights have I labored at the Queen's request. Finally, the solution came to me in a dream, and Blinky the Basilisk was able to assist in rectifying the otherwise irreversibly foul odors emanating from the palace latrines. Unfortunately, the palace latrines are now filled to the brim with stone and new latrines will need to be dug in order to service your majesty's servants.
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  30. - Top - End - #90
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Oh, so you didn't hear that there's been a revolution? There is no king anymore! You can tell the sculptor's guild that there's a supply of high-quality stone down there. That should solve the problem quite tidily.



    I accidentally used a reversal spell on Blinky the basilisk and now it's running around turning statues into people! The sculptor's guild will be so angry!
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