The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
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  1. - Top - End - #91
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Erythrina's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Take Blinky and visit that guy that fell in love with a statue. Then ask him for help in exchange.

    Your Majesty, yes, I have no identity documents on me, but that's because I was a statue mere fifteen minutes ago.

  2. - Top - End - #92
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    as King: "Yes, yes, we get that alot lately. Not to fear, we'll solve this. Just fill out the following 420 page document... Question 1) Do you identify as sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic?"

    as accused: "Oh wow, man! Look at this pad! We must be at the Ren Faire! Yasgur's can't be far now. Don't freak, man, let me ask that guy over there dressed like Jethro Tull...

    Excuse me ...your HIGH-ness * giggle* Can I get directions to the Woodstock Anniversary festival? Or anywhere close? Honestly, any place where we can tune in & get stoned for a few days, if you dig me?"
    A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade. - Chaucer

  3. - Top - End - #93
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Blue Ghost's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Yes, yes, it just so happens that the wooden stocks haven't been used in nearly a year now, and need some testing. As for getting stoned, the stocks are conveniently located right next to a rock quarry, so my citizens will have plenty of material on hand to stone you with. Thank you for volunteering!



    It was my traitorous nephew who orchestrated the assassination attempt, not me! I had nothing to do with it! Why should I be punished for my relative's crimes?

    Blue Ghost, Lawful Good generalist wizard, at your service.
    Love wins. S'agapo.

    I make MtG cards. My portfolio

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  4. - Top - End - #94
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Because your nephew is eight years old, because you're his legal guardian, and because you yourself were once one of the crown's finest assassins.

    Overcollection of taxes? Interesting. If you mean to accuse me of embezzling, you can rest assured that every cent is documented and accounted for, including the padded rates. It simply never occurred to me that you would object to receiving too much income.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
    Avatar by the Ninja Chocobo.

  5. - Top - End - #95
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    DeTess's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As queen: It seems a basic economics lesson is in order.

    *The queen claps her hands. Two burly men walk in, carrying a large scroll between them and unfurl it. It is covered in graphs and numbers*

    This first graph here represents the overtaxed situation we currently have. As you can see, over the next 10 years, it will result in a diminishing of wealth among my subjects, which in turn reduces investment and establishment of new businesses. As you can see from this next graph, this means that over the next ten years tax revenue would decrease.

    Now, if you look over here, you can see the projections for the tax rate we have mandated. Individual wealth is projected to increase somewhat over the next ten years, with the economy growing. Because of this, despite starting at a slightly lower tax revenue, we'd be breaking even on total tax revenue with the overtaxed rate in four years.

    Now then, this third graph shows the damage your higher taxation for this year will have done to the kingdom over the next ten years as the economy recovers from the slump you caused, to a total of about 290,000 GP in lost tax revenue. I do hope you've got skills other than being a tax collector, because I will be collecting on this debt, mr. former-tax-collector.

    As accused: Your majesty, I'm so sorry for the hour-long presentation on tax revenue. If I had known it would offend you, I'd have prepared the short-attention-span version.
    Jasnah avatar by Zea Mays

  6. - Top - End - #96
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Your oversight is forgivable. The public insult is not. The only person I can take that from is the court jester. Guess what your new job is?

    Your Majesty, I know the jester was strangled, shot, drowned, poisoned, stabbed, boiled alive and dumped into a sausage mincer. I know that witnesses say I did it. What I want to know is, based on the cheering that was going on as it happened, is anyone going to miss him?
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  7. - Top - End - #97
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BlackDragon

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    King: I will the jester was my only friend knew my secrets. I miss them so much. My friends all my subjects cheered I'll just abdicate you can be the king/queen.

    Sir, I didn't cheer loudly during your coronation due to sneezing uncontrollably. In truth I'm allergic to the royal flowers.

  8. - Top - End - #98
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Sutr View Post
    Sir, I didn't cheer loudly during your coronation due to sneezing uncontrollably. In truth I'm allergic to the royal flowers.
    As king: I'm going to super glue your nostrils shut!

    As criminal: I invented a new curse word and taught it to everyone in middle school.

  9. - Top - End - #99
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Very well. For your contribution to the royal Censorship list, I hereby decree that we will [CENSORED] you in the [CENSORED] with a [CENSORED] until you [CENSORED] from [CENSORED], you [CENSORED].

    As Criminal: I accidentally added [CENSORED] word "[CENSORED]" to [CENSORED] Royal Censorship List. I'm afraid [CENSORED] addition of [CENSORED] word can't be undone without Royal Assent from [CENSORED] King or Queen.
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  10. - Top - End - #100
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    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Monarch: *cusses profusely*

    Accused: *stares at the ground silently*
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
    Avatar by the Ninja Chocobo.

  11. - Top - End - #101
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.Gunsforhands View Post
    Accused: *stares at the ground silently*
    As king: I order you to be fed to the hyenas.

    As accused: I may or may not have thrown my brother off a cliff to be trampled by wildebeests and ordered an assassination on my nephew to become king.
    Last edited by Magic_Hat; 2019-08-15 at 03:53 PM.

  12. - Top - End - #102
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: With friends like you, who needs enemies? This Crown shall recognize your claim as the rightful Sovereign of these neighboring lands, provided that the annual tribute of two hundred twenty seven thousand bushels of raspberry jam from your rightful lands continues to be made on time.

    As Criminal: It is true, Sire, that I fell asleep during my assigned guard duty at the Cave of Prophetic Dreams, but I bring you a message from the spirits that live there. They state that unless I am given my freedom with life and limb intact, they shall tell your enemies the full details of what they called "That incident involving you and Her Highness Princess Dominique Esmerelda Sarsaparilla the Third, Duchess of Lower Gurbadore and Heir-Sovereign over the Murky Spire at the Imperial Ball when you'd both had a little bit too much wine and accidentally stepped upon the Imperial Dais without having first kissed the Imperial Statue of Vows nor having been subsequently called forth by the High Chancellor." I'm not entirely sure what all that means, but I was told I absolutely must mention it when I found myself here.
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  13. - Top - End - #103
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Zzwhuh? Oh, sorry, I fell asleep halfway through that. I had a prophetic dream, too! I dreamt that you were an idiot who fell asleep at his post and that you were dishonorably discharged and exiled to the desert. Oh, look! I think one of our dreams is coming true!

    I confess: I am an evil twin. My body was forged with illegal magic using the shadows cast by another woman's soul. That person is the one robbing your opium merchants and tax collectors, not me.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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  14. - Top - End - #104
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    as King: "Captain of the Guard. Take this doppelganger and use him to infiltrate and destroy that den of thieves. If he survives & has aquitted himself nobly, We shall use our resources to cast out the shadows & free that poor woman's soul."

    as accused: "My Lord, my opera about a ruler who attempts to deflower the fiance of his servent is a fluffy comedic work of fiction without any resemblance to people living or dead! Anyone can see that. At least allow me to play the opening for you."
    A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade. - Chaucer

  15. - Top - End - #105
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: I find you innocent. THROW HIM TO THE SHARKTICONS!

    As Criminal: You see, your greatness, I was looking for my glass eye when I accidentally bumped into that beam that, so I'm told, was securing the royal tent. How was I to know that it wasn't set up securely, and that the whole thing would come crashing down on your coronation banquet?
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  16. - Top - End - #106
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    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    King: Hrrrm... and how did you lose your glass eye in the first place?

    Suspicious witness: *whistles innocently*
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
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  17. - Top - End - #107
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Celticbear's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    King: Whistling? HERESY *BLAM*

    Criminal: Writes "Romani eunt domus" on a statue of the King
    "I'M just a guy with a boomerang... I didn't ask for all this flying... and MAGIC!!!" -Sokka

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wuff View Post
    the biggest nerd ever who transforms into BEAR is of course alluring.

  18. - Top - End - #108
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Balmas's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    King: Now, my dear friend, you surely should know your latin better than that. The proper sentence struture would be Romani ite domum. Go back and do it right.

    Criminal: I confess, I may have been a bit overly diligent with ridding the country of nobility. La Guillotine, she does not sleep, no? You're the last one. What is my sentence?
    I run a Let's Play channel! Check it out!
    Currently, we're playing through New Vegas as Gabriel de la Cruz, merchant and mercenary extraordinaire!

  19. - Top - End - #109
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Lord Protector, Regent for Live, Supreme President, Chair of the People's Committee on Public Safety, Steward of The City, Secretary of The Party: I hereby title this man The Barron of Inglesex. And now, as a dirty aristocrat, he has an appointment with Madame Guillotine, does he not?

    Criminal: OK, so my selling fake bands of nobility was a serious problem for the previous administration, but you have to admit it made things a lot easier and smoother for you.
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  20. - Top - End - #110
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Yes, Absolutely. While my claim is true and just and real and fair, my allies who, ahem, obtained their status by other means are certainly grateful. And now that my claim is true and just and real and fair, I hereby affirm the status of whatsoever lord steps forth and swears utmost fealty to my crown. As for you, since we can't have other questionable claims arising to power, let the royal surgeon come forth and remove the thumb and index finger of your right hand so that you may not forge, and your tongue so that you may not hire a forger.

    As Criminal: Sire, these allegations that I paid the royal pillow fluffer to sneak a tack into Your Grace's pillow are patently absurd. Indeed, the royal pillow fluffer was chosen by your very self as an utterly trustworthy soul that would not betray you for any price, nor have I the means to procure such an obscene bribe even had I such horrid designs against you. I beg that you see the truth that I did not in any way conspire with the Royal Pillow Fluffer, and that both of us are men of upright reputation and innocence!
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  21. - Top - End - #111
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Default Re: Who you gonna call?

    The King: Yes, I know. The two of you indeed have an airtight alibi as well. Unfortunately for the two of you, that was because you were with my daughter. You will be drawn and quartered on the morrow.

    Shifty lookin character: Yes, sire, I did lop your head off, dismember your corpse, seal each piece in stone, ship them to the four corners of the world to be buried, and then mindwiped the ones who did the hauling/burying. No, I did not expect you to come back from the dead anyways.
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seerow View Post
    C'mon RNG, play nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  22. - Top - End - #112
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    It's fine. I need you to destroy the thing that brought me back the last few times I died, though. Turns out it combines your soul with that of a really lousy leader.

    I ripped the, 'do not remove under penalty of law,' tag off of a pillow so I could hold it closer to the light and read it. Ironically, I wouldn't have known it was illegal otherwise.
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
    Avatar by the Ninja Chocobo.

  23. - Top - End - #113
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.Gunsforhands View Post
    I ripped the, 'do not remove under penalty of law,' tag off of a pillow so I could hold it closer to the light and read it. Ironically, I wouldn't have known it was illegal otherwise.
    I order you to give my mother-in-law a sponge bath. Have fun with that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic_Hat View Post
    As king: I order you to be fed to the hyenas.

    As accused: I may or may not have thrown my brother off a cliff to be trampled by wildebeests and ordered an assassination on my nephew to become king.
    I made a Lion King reference on these board games and no one seemed to get it. Maybe I was too subtle. Although the first time I posted it I misspelled the word "cliff" and later edited so that might be why.

  24. - Top - End - #114
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    As King: Your Lion King reference was easily recognized. Your failure to recognize a reference to the Disney/Jam City mobile game arrangement (and Disney's tendency to collect/demand crazy tributes known as "Royalties") is a failure of your own. As punishment, you will be forced to wear this mouse costume with a red robe and Sorceror's hat to a party with 200 4-year-olds.

    As Criminal: My lord, as your regent I have been handing out the most terrible punishments I could conceive of. How was I to know that the recipients of these punishments were the heirs to your throne? Well, at least those naughty ruffians are out of the way now...
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  25. - Top - End - #115
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Korith View Post
    As Criminal: My lord, as your regent I have been handing out the most terrible punishments I could conceive of. How was I to know that the recipients of these punishments were the heirs to your throne? Well, at least those naughty ruffians are out of the way now...
    I order you to put on a play detailing these acts. And Rob Schneider has to star in it. Have fun with that.

    I invited my boss over to my house for an unforgettable lunch-in. I accidentally burnt my roast and sought to pass off generic fast food as my own burgers. My boss nearly uncovered my devilish plan many times so I had to keep lying. Long story short, I didn't turn the over off and the fire eventually consumed my house and the life of my mother...but my boss believed all my crazy explanations.

  26. - Top - End - #116
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    DruidGirl

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic_Hat View Post
    I order you to put on a play detailing these acts. And Rob Schneider has to star in it. Have fun with that.

    I invited my boss over to my house for an unforgettable lunch-in. I accidentally burnt my roast and sought to pass off generic fast food as my own burgers. My boss nearly uncovered my devilish plan many times so I had to keep lying. Long story short, I didn't turn the over off and the fire eventually consumed my house and the life of my mother...but my boss believed all my crazy explanations.
    King: I can see that food is important to you. Make me a meal from your severed left arm. If I like it, you get to be my new royal chef!

    accused: Yes, I did organize a cult. And yes, they did all commit mass suicide. But your highness, I have no idea where they got the kool-aid!

  27. - Top - End - #117
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Huh? Oh, my agent gave them that. It's the preferred method of execution for heresy of this kind.

    I've been running an illegal puppy mill in my backyard and a dogfighting ring in my basement!
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
    Avatar by the Ninja Chocobo.

  28. - Top - End - #118
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    King. Such evil. Here is my chief torturer, note the blunt, rusty knife and the wand of cure light wounds? One use of each per dog and puppy, plus a bonus stab.

    Criminal. Anti-sedition laws are dumb!

    (I don't get it, sedition is protesting against the state. What does a lovelife has to do with it?)\/
    Last edited by Evil DM Mark3; 2019-08-27 at 04:47 PM.
    GNU Terry Pratchett

  29. - Top - End - #119
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    Quote Originally Posted by EvilDMMk3 View Post
    Criminal. Anti-sedition laws are dumb!
    Well since you have such a healthy love life I order you to go out on a date with my mother-in-law.

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic_Hat View Post
    I invited my boss over to my house for an unforgettable lunch-in. I accidentally burnt my roast and sought to pass off generic fast food as my own burgers. My boss nearly uncovered my devilish plan many times so I had to keep lying. Long story short, I didn't turn the over off and the fire eventually consumed my house and the life of my mother...but my boss believed all my crazy explanations.
    I made a Steamed Hams reference on these forums, and it was so subtle no one picked up on it.
    Last edited by Magic_Hat; 2019-08-27 at 08:44 AM.

  30. - Top - End - #120
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    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

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    Default Re: If I sat on the Throne....

    More to the point, you held the thread hostage and gave the guard a manifesto demanding that the crown explicitly acknowledge every reference that you make in perpetuity. We're not doing that. One million years dungeon.

    I stole all of the utensils from the royal kitchen! Ladles, knives, wooden forks for serving salad, all mine! Mwahaha!
    Leo, Ajax, Deshy, Cutty, Erica.
    Avatar by the Ninja Chocobo.

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