The Ass: A Challenge.

[Serpentine]

grrrrstupidforumsgrumbleeatingmypostrazzafrazzawhy Ioughta
Okay. So. Interest has dropped off, so I'll start making the prizes sometime... "today". The contest will close 24 hours after I announce that they're finished.
There will be a 1st, 2nd and 3rd prize for awesomest/coolest/playablest/spiffingest donkey and one prize for absurdest/weirdest/silliest. Spells, traps and items don't really count, so I may give a prize for the best donkey-related product, as well.
Flavour and playability will be a big part of winning, so feel free to go back and add in extra fluff or other detail if you think your entry could use it.
Have fun!

[Serpentine]

The prizes are finished. Judging (by yours truly) will begin in 24 hours from now, about 8pm Australian Eastern Standard Time, Monday. If you want to add, contribute or change anything, do so before then (or ask for an extension).

[FireSpark]

I cleaned up my ass.

The Ass at the End of the Universe looks all official now!

[Lord Zentei]

Only one entry per applicant, right?

[Serpentine]

No, not at all. Put in as many as you like. And it's not as though I'm in a hurry, so you can ask for an extension (I've been at uni too long ) if you need it.

[Serpentine]

One more hour to go! =O

[Serpentine]

Okay! The votes (mine) are in!

The Bronze Donkey, for third most awesome donkey, goes to
FireSpark for his Ass At The End Of The Universe.


The Silver Donkey, for second most awesome donkey, goes to Vorpal Tribble for his Bad Ass


The Golden Donkey, for most awesome donkey, goes to Duke of URL for his Wise Ass.


The Concrete Donkey, for most absurd donkey, goes to Arbitrarity for his THIGPWHCPDoL.


The Stuffed Donkey, for best donkey-related product, goes to rtg0922 for his Ass Hole.


Well done everybody. I have hope for the ol' nag yet

[Lord Zentei]

No, not at all. Put in as many as you like. And it's not as though I'm in a hurry, so you can ask for an extension (I've been at uni too long ) if you need it.

Whoops, missed that response. Ah, well... that's what I get for being in a different timezone, I guess.

[Serpentine]

Awww, I was hoping for some last-minute entries, too I'd love to see it if you wanna do another one, anyway.

[RTGoodman]

Yay, I'm contributing!

I'd actually totally forgotten about awards and such - I just revisited the thread to see if anything else cool had been created, and I was surprised to see that the Ass Hole had triumphed (as they so often do ).

[Lord Zentei]

Awww, I was hoping for some last-minute entries, too I'd love to see it if you wanna do another one, anyway.

Eh, I had mainly reflected on the basic concept: "The Heard of Assmageddon": multi-headed and -footed Abominations that serve as steeds to the Hecatoncheires.

Since the contest is over, my natural lazyness comes into force.

[Arbitrarity]

Whoo, absurdity!

[FireSpark]

I got the Bronze Donkey?

<.<

>.>

Is that anything like a Brass Monkey??

>.<




(The FireSpark would like to apologize for the absurd number of non-text, non-smiley emotes in the above statement. Any inconvience is deeply regretted.)

[Serpentine]

I would just like to mention that it's really hard to make a stuffed donkey that doesn't look like Eeyore.

[wadledo]

I thank you (even though I didn't get anything, but I'm good without) for creating a donkey that doesn't look like Eeyore.

[Duke of URL]

I'm very honored to accept the Golden Donkey award for making myself an ass on the forums. It's the first time that particular skill has ever come in useful for me.

[Maldraugedhen]

Well, I've got one more to tag on anyway.

EDIT: And I can't believe nobody's done the template below.

Rock-Hard Ass

The unfortunate crossbreed of an earth elemental and a donkey, this creature imbues a donkey with the stubbornness of earth itself. Sold to traders native to the plane of Earth as a joke by especially malicious wizards, usually those who had been ripped off by those they're selling the donkeys to.

Size/Type: Large Outsider
Hit Dice: 6d8+18 (45 hp)
Initiative: +1
Speed: 30 ft. (6 squares)
Armor Class: 18 (-1 size, +1 Dex, +8 natural), touch 10, flat-footed 17
Base Attack/Grapple: +6 / +14
Attack: Kick +9 melee (1d8+5)
Full Attack: Slam +9 melee (2d4 + 9) and 2 hoofs +9 melee (1d8+5)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Trample 2d8 + 8
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft, scent, DR 5/-, Earth Glide, Push, immune to Poison
Saves: Fort +10, Ref +3, Will +4
Abilities: Str 18, Dex 12, Con 16, Int 2, Wis 11, Cha 6
Skills: Balance +4, Listen +8, Spot +6
Feats: Endurance, Diehard, Power Attack, Cleave, Run
Environment: The Elemental Plane of Earth
Organization: Solitary
Challenge Rating: 4
Advancement: 7-12 HD (Large)
Level Adjustment: —

EDIT:
Half-Ass
A Half-Ass is a creature only possible through the interaction of magic, and therefore is an inherited template. Such individuals have one donkey parent, and, as such, exhibit a few of the donkey's traits, such as being possessed of long, slightly furred ears, a short snout, and the characteristic stubbornness of the species.
Size and Type: Size is unchanged, type changes to Monstrous Humanoid.
HD and HP: HD changes to d8, but only if the HD are racial HD. Class HD are unchanged.
Initiative: Unchanged.
Speed: The sturdy legs of a Half-Ass grant them +10 ft / round movement.
Armor Class: No difference.
BAB / Grapple: No difference.
Attack / Full Attack: No difference.
Damage: No difference.
Space / Reach: No difference.
Special Attacks: The creature gains hooves, natural weapons that enable a single Kick attack, which deals 1d6 + 2 Bludgeoning.
Special Qualities:
Cloven Feet: A Half-Ass has hooves, which, while helpful for kicking, are problematic in combination with the rest of a creature's anatomy. Cloven Feet provides a -2 penalty to Climb, Swim and Move Silently checks. In addition, a Half-Ass may be outfitted with horseshoes, which increase the damage of the Kick attack to 1d8 + 4 Bludgeoning, and increases the movement multiplier from the Run feat (which they automatically gain) from x5 / x4 to x6 / x5. The horseshoes need to be custom-made, however--they cost 90 gp to make and require a DC 18 Fortitude save to be successfully attached (on a failure, the Horseshoe is destroyed and the Half-Ass takes 1d6 Fire damage). After being attached, the Half-Ass must stay off of his feet for a week, or must take the Fortitude save again once per day he has them on during that week. The initial fortitude save can be avoided with a DC 18 Heal check from a character supervising the attachment, or with the casting of a Heal spell, Restoration spell, or Greater Restoration spell. Later fortitude saves can only be avoided with the casting of a Heal spell or Greater Restoration spell specifically for the purpose of avoiding the Fortitude save.
Scent: A Half-Ass gains scent.
Base Saves: A Half-Ass gains a +2 flat bonus to Fortitude saves and Will saves, then another +1 to each from the boost to Constitution and Wisdom.
Ability Scores: A Half-Ass gains 2 points of Con and 2 points of Wis, but loses 2 points of Int.
Skills: +2 bonus to Listen checks.
Feats: Gain Run as a bonus feat.
Environment: Same.
Organization: Same.
Challenge Rating: +1.
Treasure: Same.
Alignment: Unchanged.
Advancement: Same.
Level Adjustment: +1.

[DracoDei]

There should be a definition for what healing spells will reduce/eliminate the waiting period or negate the need for an initial fortitude save when attaching horse-shoes to a half-ass....

[Maldraugedhen]

Updated as per your suggestion.

[UndeadCleric]

I've done a very, very bad thing. I've created something that can eat a Tarrasque. With ease. We are all doomed. DOOMED I tell you!!

I give you, the end of all things. I give you:

The Ass at the End of the Universe
(the Fiendish, Titanic, 20 headed, Half-Green dragon Donkey of Legend)

Rising up from the dark pool of nothingness, which is all that remains of the universe and time itself, comes an enormous creature spawned from the nightmares of countless sentient beings. The beast sports twenty heads snapping with viciously sharp teeth, swinging terrible razor sharp claws. It's very breath is a noxious and acidic gas. And as if to grant the times some last bit of jest, a final stroke of irony, the beast and its heads have the form of a green scaled jack-ass. It looses a twenty-headed bray and existence, what little is left of it, trembles.

The Ass at the End of the Universe
Gargantuan Outsider (Dragon) [Fire]
Hit Dice: 63d12+1,008 (1,417 hp)
Initiative: +10
Speed: 40 feet; fly speed 80 ft. (average)
Armor Class: 41 (-4 size, +6 Dex, +29 natural), touch: 12, flat-footed: 35
Base Attack/Grapple: +47 / +81
Attack: Bite +80 melee (6d8+22 plus poison)
Full Attack: 20 bites +80 melee (6d8+22 poison) and 2 claws +80 melee (6d6+11)
Space/Reach: 20 ft. / 15 ft.
Special Attacks: Trample (3d8+33 damage, DC 48 Ref half), smite good 1/day (+20 dmg), poison (DC 60 Fort, 1d6 Str/1d6 Str), breath weapon 1/day (60 ft. line of acid, 6d8 acid damage, DC 60 Reflex half), rend (12d6+33 damage)
Special Qualities: Low-light vision, darkvision 60 ft, scent, cold and fire resistance 10, acid and electricity immunity, DR 10/magic, SR 25, fast healing 14, quickness, immune to mind-affecting effects, reflective hide, see in darkness, regrow limbs
Saves: Fort +32, Ref +26, Will +17
Abilities: Str 54, Dex 23, Con 40, Int 7, Wis 18, Cha 10
Skills: Listen +73, Spot +73, Swim +23 (+38 racial bonus to spot and listen)
Feats: Endurance, Great Fortitudebonus, Combat Reflexesbonus, Multiattackbonus, Improved Multiattackbonus, Improved Initiativebonus, Lightning Reflexes, Iron Will, Improved Toughness, Improved Natural Attack (bite), Improved Natural Attack (claw), Weapon Focus (bite), Weapon Focus (claw), Snatch, Hover, Power Attack, Improved Bull Rush, Awesome Blow, Diehard, Improved Speed, Rend, Shockwave, Wingstorm, Dire Charge, Fast Healing (+3), Fast Healing (+3) , Fast Healing (+3)
Environment: End of Time and Space
Organization: Unique
Challenge Rating: 26
Alignment: Chaotic Evil

...The mythical Ass at the End of the Universe is thought by some to be a socially humorous jab at the outlandish things other members of society believe in. After all, the idea of giant, 20 headed, dragon donkey is just too ridiculous to think about much less say with a straight face. However, known to only a scare few, there is not only substence to these stories, but truth. Those that know the truth, know that some day, this terrible creature will appear. As to whether the appearance of the Ass at the End of the Universe is the sign that time has come to end, or is the cause of said end, is still unknown. What is known, is that when this monstrous beast appears, it will be unstoppable.

COMBAT
The Ass at he End of the Universe charges into a fight biting and clawing. Few can stand against it for long, if at all.

.....Trample (Ex): As a standard action during its turn each round, the Ass at the End of the Universe (henceforth referred to as the AEU) can trample Huge or smaller opponents. This attack deals 3d8 + 33 points of damage A trampled opponent can attempt either an attack of opportunity at a –4 penalty or a Reflex save (DC 48) for half damage. The save DC is Strength based.
.....Smite Good (Su): Once per day, the AEU can make a normal melee attack that deals an additional 20 points of damage against a good foe. If the attack misses than the attempt is wasted for the day. If the attack strikes a non-good creature, there is no additional damage dealt beyond the normal attack.
.....Breath Weapon (Su): Once per day, the AEU can breath a 60-foot line of acid, that deals 6d8 points of acid damage. Creatures caught in the area of damage can attempt a DC 60 Reflex save to take only half damage. The save DC is Constitution based.
.....Rend (Ex): If the AEU strikes a single target with both claw attacks, the claws tear and rend at the target. This attack automatically deals and extra 12d6+33 points of damage.
.....Poison (Ex): The AEU has a deadly poisonous bite. If the AEU makes a successful bite attack that deals damage, the target of the attack also suffers from the poison attack. The poison deals 1d6 Strength damage as both initial and secondary damage. The save Fort save DC is 60, and is Constitution based.
.....Quickness (Su): An AEU is supernaturally quick. I can take an standard action or move action during its turn each round.
.....Reflective Hide (Su): The creature has a silvery sheen to its skin and is permanently protected by a spell turning effect.
.....Regrow Limbs (Ex): If the creature loses a limb, head, or body part, a new one grows in 1 round. A monster of legend with this ability cannot be slain by a vorpal weapon’s head severing ability.
.....See in Darkness (Su): The creature can see perfectly in darkness of any kind, even that created by deeper darkness spells.




I combined apparently legal templates, in apparently legal order. [Templates added in following order: Titanic(MM2), Multiheaded(SS), Fiendish(MM1), Monster of Legend(MM2), Half-Dragon(MM1)]. All feats came from either the PHB, MM1, or the Draconomicon.



EDIT: [0942 CST, 10/14/07] Cleaned up the stat block and made things more legible all-round. (At least I thought so.) Also added a bit more flavor text.

If everything hits and all the dice are averaged, you have 1089 normal damage and 140 strength damage. Holy ****.

[Fenrazer]

How about a self aware Flying Talking Donkey that uses a Red Dragon as a mount...err wait. Already been done.

"NOW AHM A FLYIN TALKIN DONKEY!!!"

[Pronounceable]

{Scrubbed}
However, I approve of the Ass at the End of the Universe.

[Frog Dragon]

{Scrubbed}

[Serpentine]

I've just asked Roland if he might leave this open if there's some interest in this. Assuming (as I expect) it's locked, would enough people be interested in a new ass-related homebrew thread to warrant its creation?

edit: This thread has permission to stay open for a while!
I officially declare this thread reopen for donkey-related creations. Get making!

[Mr.Bookworm]

Yes, I was bored, why do you ask? Not quite finished yet, though.

Braughheehaw, the Smart Ass

You see a perfectly ordinary-looking donkey.

Donkey Psion (Nomad) 20
Medium Animal
Hit Dice: 2d8+2+20d4+20+22 (103 hp)
Initiative: +1
Speed: 30 ft.
Armor Class: 13 (+1 Dex, +2 natural), touch 11, flat-footed 12
Base Attack/Grapple: +11/+6/+1
Attack: ?
Full Attack: ?
Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: -
Special Qualities: The Insights of an Ass, Psion manifesting, low-light vision, scent
Saves: Fort +10, Ref +10, Will +32
Abilities: Str 10, Dex 13, Con 12, Int 57, Wis 51, Cha 34
Skills: ?
Feats: Improved Toughness, ?
Climate/Terrain: Any
Organization: Solitary
Treasure: None
Alignment: True Neutral
Languages: All
CR 20 1/2 (?)

The Insights of an Ass (Ex): Through long thought on the very nature of reality, and the unique knowledge and insight that can only come to one of life's lowliest creatures, Braughheehaw achieved true enlightenment. This gives him a +50 inherent bonus to Intelligence, a +40 inherent bonus to Wisdom, and a +30 inherent bonus to Charisma. He also no longer ages.

Nomad Powers Known: (573 PP, base DC 33+power's level, ML 20)
1st- Burst, Detect Teleportation, Inertial Armor, Déjà Vu, Far Hand
2nd- Dimension Swap, Psionic Levitate, Cloud Mind, Ego Whip
3rd- Astral Caravan, Energy Bolt, Telekinetic Force, Time Hop
4th- Psionic Dimensional Anchor, Psionic Fly, Psionic Dismissal, Psionic Freedom of Movement
5th- Baleful Teleport, Psionic Teleport, Teleport Trigger, Psionic Plane Shift
6th- Psionic Banishment, Psionic Overland Flight, Temporal Acceleration
7th- Dream Travel, Psionic Ethereal Jaunt, Decerebrate
8th- Mass Time Hop, Greater Psionic Teleport, Psionic Mind Blank
9th- Psionic Teleportation Circle, Time Regression, Microcosm, Reality Revision, Psionic Etherealness, Timeless Body

---

Braughheehaw was once a perfectly ordinary donkey. He lived on the road, traveling with a band of armed lunatics in disguise as heroes of the land, carrying the assorted supplies, looted artifacts of incalculable power, and civilization-destroying weapons that invariable go along with a group of adventurers. In his time with them, he experienced almost everything life had to offer for a donkey, and by the end of their journeys he had gained insights into the workings of realities that a serene monk would kill for.

He was close to dying, however, so he sat down his burden, the net worth of six lost civilizations and one now-lost civilization after the adventurers had been through it, and went to the Assyard, the secret place on the Material plane where all donkeys go to die in peace, free of the demands and masters, and with lush fields of carrots stretching forever.

He never reached the Assyard, however. He began to waste away in the mountains, and he settled into a cave to die alone, but at peace. It was not to be. In his final moments, Brahheehaw achieved some sort of knowledge, of the universe and his place within it, and it gave him strength.

He emerged from that cave vigorous and enlightened, and now wanders the planes for reasons only known to himself.

---

Braughheehaw, roughly pronounced BraAah-HeE-haWw, is a word in Donkey that has no translation in English, and we can't really pronounce the subtleties of in any case. Roughly translated, it means "The One Who Found True Enlightenment In The Great Stone Hills On The Final Journey" (Donkey is a very compact language).

As before said, still needs some work. Still, I like it. Good luck catching him if he doesn't want to be caught, and he's smart enough to outplot and outwit anything up to and including Asmodeus.

I might also put up a description for the Assyard sometime.

PEACH, I guess?

[FireSpark]

Holy Schmuckers! My Ass inspired necra-threadomancy.

Awesome!

[Debihuman]

Well I can take a look at Braughheehaw, the Smart Ass.

First, if you want this to be legit by the rules it requires a few changes. You should have this one listed as

Braughheehaw, the Smart Ass, Awakened Donkey Psion (Nomad) 20
Medium Magical Beast (Augmented Animal).

His hit dice should be listed thusly:
Hit Dice: 2d8+2 + 20d4+42 (108 hp). Are you giving him Improved Toughness as a feat? If so, he gains another 22 hit points. [2d8+2 + 20d4+64 (130 hp).

BAB/Grapple: +11/+11.

He doesn't gain bonuses from Size or Strength. Also, he can't really use weapons so he has to rely on his bite attack and creatures don't get additional attacks based on BAB for their natural attacks.

He should still have a donkey's special abilities and racial bonuses and attacks as a donkey. From being a donkey, he has has low-light vision, scent and +4 racial bonus to Balance.

As for skills: he gets 600 skill points. He can have a Maximum of +25 ranks in any one skill and then you adjust for ability bonuses, synergies, feats, etc. This gives him 24 maximized skills.

He started with Balance, Listen and Spot as its skills from being a donkey and has also Psion skills Concentration (Con), Craft (Int), Knowledge (all skills, taken individually) (Int), Profession (Wis), and Psicraft (Int), plus he has the skills listed for Nomad: Climb (Str), Jump (Str), Ride (Dex), Survival (Wis), and Swim (Str).

As a Psion he is proficient with the club, dagger, heavy crossbow, light crossbow, quarterstaff, and shortspear but not proficient with any type of armor or shield. Lacking hands might change this as well. It could be that he has theoretical knowledge and can teach.

At 22 HD he should have 7 regular feats and 1 epic feat. He gets Endurance as a regular feat (came from when he was a donkey). So you need to assign him 6 more feats and one epic feat.

He attacks like a donkey: Bite +11 melee (1d2) Full Attack is the same. You might want to give him some boosts from the Improved Natural Attack feat that monsters can have so damage would go from 1d2 to 1d4. Improved Critical would help too. His attack then becomes Bite + 11 melee (1d4/19-20) for having both feats.

Another useful feat would be Improved Natural Armor, you can give him one additional point of Natural AC for each time you give him this feat. You can give this to him multiple times if you like.

Debby