Help me be better at insults please

[Bannan_mantis]

I'm going to be playing a old wise fighter type character in a upcoming few games who's very wise but they're not exactly you're laid back and peaceful hermit that you might expect. He's old and wise but also quite audacious, likes his fair share of rude or dark jokes and isn't afraid to give a piece of his mind to anyone, no matter your position or power, and he often does so with a insult included if he feels you deserve one. From this I'd like some help with this character as I tend to find that I would struggle roleplaying that last part as I am not exactly very quick witted.

Basically if anyone has some tips on how to act quick witted that would be helpful and I might comply a list of insults to have on standby if I need it so if anyone has some fun insults that would work for a character like this then please tell me them.

[Seto]

I made a similar list, for the Second Darkness Pathfinder adventure path. In the first module, the PCs come across the Goulette, a sentient casino roulette spouting various insults. It can be about the PCs' looks, race, intelligence, heritage, etc... I tailored some insults to the specific PCs in my group and wrote them in advance. I'd advise you to do the same ; like "this is what my character could say : to a guard, to a King, to a wizard, to a Dwarf, etc." Basically, specific insults depending on the function, race etc of the NPC.
You can also come up with generic insults based on creatures. "Dumb as a troll", "ugly as a gibbering mouther", "I'd rather get stung by a Wyvern than spend one more minute with you", "Fishier than an aboleth", etc.

[Mutazoia]

[BWR]

Learn from Kerr Avon and Edmund Blackadder

[Koo Rehtorb]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_bHFhs_65Q&t=20m58s

[Lvl45DM!]

https://www.bestmoviesbyfarr.com/art...quotes/2015/02

Given the old and grizzled nature of your character Film Noir seems appropo, just alter any lines about 'guns' to 'spells' or 'arrows' or whatever

[Zhorn]

Throw on a thick accent that gets stronger as he gets into insult mode, to the point that it's hard to tell what are actual words and what is just gibberish

[redwizard007]

I'm going to be playing a old wise fighter type character in a upcoming few games who's very wise but they're not exactly you're laid back and peaceful hermit that you might expect. He's old and wise but also quite audacious, likes his fair share of rude or dark jokes and isn't afraid to give a piece of his mind to anyone, no matter your position or power, and he often does so with a insult included if he feels you deserve one. From this I'd like some help with this character as I tend to find that I would struggle roleplaying that last part as I am not exactly very quick witted.

Basically if anyone has some tips on how to act quick witted that would be helpful and I might comply a list of insults to have on standby if I need it so if anyone has some fun insults that would work for a character like this then please tell me them.

Did your mom have any normal children?
That's what the wench said.
If you were any dumber I'd think you were a goblin.
You sound like a damn elf.
For the love of Pelor, just stop talking.
If gold grew on trees you idiots would still be poor.
Minotaurs may have horns, but nothing like that damn bard.
Poor dragons have to watch you idiots like you for how many thousands of years?
Just let me do it.
Did you never know your father?
Half-elf? More like half-man.
Did your mother let you eat glue?
I shouldn't need to remind you to search for traps.
Stop healing the dumb ones.
I thought wizards were supposed to be smart.
Common, it's like your language except people speak it.
How many idiots does it take to _____?

[Jay R]

I once asked a Rogue who had just fumbled a Sleight of Hand check, "Have you ever considered multi-classing to Rogue?"

To an elf character: "Wow. You're just like Dobby, but with less dignity." [I actually used a variant of this on a fishing trip, when I told somebody that he was like Gilligan, but without the inherent dignity.]

"You know, with another point of INT, you might qualify for the Toadstool Prestige Class."

After a failed attack roll: "You have managed to combine the elegance of a milk cow with the killer instinct of a plow horse."

[Wraith]

Every time you meet a player character or NPC , privately assign them either a nick-name or a trait that you think is appropriate. It could be something very simple and even childish if you like; "Dumb-Dumb", "Johnny Butter-Fingers", "Captain Sparkly-Hat", "the 8th Dwarf, Stumpy", whatever it is doesn't really matter so long as you have one per character. The idea is, you are so dismissive of that person that you can't even be bothered to learn their name.

Now ANYTHING you say to or about them is insulting, and you have a core theme around which you can build ad-libs as necessary with whatever puns or alliteration you think is funny. For example: If "Dumb-Dumb" asks about doing something, you can tell him to "Don't-don't, Dumb-dumb!" for immediate double insults.

And like Jay R. suggested; whatever happens, YOU always know how to do it better. Someone misses an attack roll? "Choke up, dolt! Your grip's all wrong!". If someone fails an INT-based skill check? "If you had twice as many brains, you'd still be a half-wit!". Someone rolls low damage on an attack? "In MY day we'd actually FIGHT properly, not TICKLE each other to death!"
These don't even need to be insults, in the direct sense - just tell them how to do it better in a loud way, it'll definitely come cross as crabby and rude.

Some general purpose ones though, stolen from some memorable films and sources:

"What's your name, friend? I don't really care who you are, but I want to get it right on your tombstone."
"Who's this clown? By which I mean, you're not only a clown but also a s**** and unmemorable one."
"Why are you like this? Is it because *both* of your parents ran away before you were born?"
"I would like to say that I admire what you're doing. I'm not going to though, telling lies is bad."
"Nicely done! Just imagine what you could have achieved if your parents weren't brother and sister!"
"Allow me to put this in a way that you will understand: *incoherent babbling and farmyard noises* "

[Kaervryn]

youre bad and you should feel bad.

That exhausts my totally polite vocabulary good day

[Kaervryn]

That was a fair fight, if there were three of you.

Who taught that one to fight, the god I’m of self punishment?

What was your name again,Target Practice?

[CombatBunny]

First and most important rule to be perceived as quick witted, don’t try to be quick witted.

Quick witted persons are fluent and relaxed, that’s exactly what you want. If you try to impress and say an ingenious joke, but the time something comes to your mind it will already be late.

Practice responding with whatever comes to your mind, the objective is to flow and to never let yourself be shut. Even if you think that your response is dumb just say it, most of the time your opponent will interpret it as if you had said something smarter than what you actually said. In fact, your opponent will start looking dumb as he tries to interpret your jokes and will doubt to call them dumb, because he will think that he is the one that is not catching it.

- Your mother is so fat that Moradin couldn’t cast her away because she didn’t fit the portal hole
- That was very stupid
- That’s because you have rocks in your head, wake up you pig headed goblin

Also, remember that you are role-playing, your jokes don’t need to be witty, you and your friends just have to play along and pretend that they are.

[Psyren]

Uh hello? Are we forgetting the ur-example of RPG taunting?
*grumble grumble kids grumble*

[BWR]

Uh hello? Are we forgetting the ur-example of RPG taunting?
*grumble grumble kids grumble*

No one's forgetting it, we just assumed that everyone already knows all of MPQFTHG by heart and want to move beyond that.


Maybe that's just me.

[Psyren]

Maybe that's just me.

On the internet, it's never "just you," but the classics are classic for a reason

[Pauly]

From a list on quotes from military performance reviews

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He is so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
24. He is depriving a village of it’s idiot.

[KineticDiplomat]

You may also consider not going “clever” on the insults, but bluntly insulting. When you think what passes people off in real life, it’s rarely a witty remark delivered within PG bounds.

Tell someone that they’re a pathetic sack of Sh*t who’s going nowhere in life and shouldn’t be trusted with dressing themselves, let alone the basic responsibilities given to them out of hopes that at least they can’t do any damage there.

Or make a clever remark. See which one hurts more. And if your character really wants people to know what he thinks because he’s old and tired of it, he isn’t going to hide behind the social niceties that the dandy’s think is wit.

[No brains]

Try looking at some of the earlier interpretations of Raiden/ Rayden in Mortal Kombat spinoffs. In Defenders of the Realm and Conquest, he can bridge wise man and wise guy.

[hotflungwok]

You, sir, are the terminal end of a digestive system.

I find it hard to believe that you managed to beat 300 million other sperm.

[Joethegoblin]

If i were you i would tread carefully with this concept. Not trying to get to to abandon it, rather to contemplate on it.

I have seen several characters with this concept in play, and it sometimes leads to a toxic atmosphere at the table. It might though speak more to those players.
It happens when the snarkyness is directed repeatedly at other players. People do not like being insulted.
Willingly twist the names of all npcs like someone else suggested will very likely annoy your dm. It would annoy me.

And also, if it is something you personally are not good at, it "might" prompt you to replace wittyness with being obnoxious.

This character concept is very cool, but it is hard to pull off. But be sure that you dont go over the limits of people around you.
People who are like this in real life are funny to watch, until it is directed at you.

[Cerlis]

alot of good RESOURCES here and that can be great for getting used to the ideas and writing stuff down for situations that might come up

but i think the best ADVICE for being quick witted with insulting humor that you can come up on the spot is the backhanded compliment.

its easy to think of how to flatter someone and then turn it on its head.

"You're so articulate , i didnt even know that dwarves knew what an adverb was"

"Dont worry, you'll get it this time, you couldnt possibly get any worse, after all"

"brilliant plan, our suicide by dinosaur will be told as a warning to future adventurer's for centuries to come"

other ideas are to literally make stuff up and insult that, especially if its friendly characters or your party. if you look at successful "reads" by drag queens most of them arent insulting because they are insulting something thats not true.

I.e. someone has a healthy sex life, so you make up the exaggeration they are a slut.
maybe a party member hooked up with someone the other session in town and so when yall are discussing gather information checks "Maybe Abrius' 'friends' in the redlight district might know a few things"

but thats all i got

[Zhorn]

Spoiler: Why didn't I bring this up sooner?

Show

[TrashTrash]

- DON'T insult things about PCs that are directly taken from their players' personalities. That can and often will end up causing problems at the table.

- Irony is your character's new best friend. If your character has something undesirable about them, have them point out the exact same thing in other characters fairly often. It's especially effective if it's super obvious.

- Make something up. Compare someone or something to a made-up word and say that if they don't know what it is then they're even dumber than you thought. Two for the price of one.

- Be creative! Having a little fun with it makes every roast better.
Examples:
"The only way I can explain how annoying you are is that you were a wet sock in a past life."
"Were you always the human equivalent of a kidney stone?"
"If brain cells were copper coins, you'd be in crippling debt."
"You'll have to excuse them. Their mother was a mind flayer and they looked delicious."

- Use the environment! Descriptions of areas can be ripe for the roasting. If it's super fancy, call the occupants snooty. If it's minimalist, they're too dumb to know the benefit of a trinket or two.

- Context, context, context. It's not witty if it's out of pocket. Insults have a time and a place, but they definitely aren't funny or slick in an emotionally tricky situation. For example, if it's the first character death of a game (especially if it happened because of a bad choice or roll), that's not the time to start dressing down the PC in question. If someone's trying to be diplomatic towards someone important, definitely not a good time to snark about the important person.

- Use intentionally bad insults! Just because your PC is a serious smart-alack doesn't mean they're great at it all the time!

Hope this helps!

[AMFV]

The best advice I can give is to record yourself insulting people or what-not, for as long as you can stand it, then go back through your recordings and see what sticks, what the winners are. Keep doing this until you have enough material to actually work with. Any list of insults that somebody else came up with are probably going to sound fake when you're saying them.