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2020-01-23, 12:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2014
- Location
- Avatar By Astral Seal!
Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Here I am again, venting about online dating. Hopefully y'all are either not tired of this, or smart enough to not read it if you are. :P
The good news is I'm doing okay. Nothing too terrible, just a bit of frustration. See, yesterday, I added a few ladies from OK Cupid on SnapChat. And several of them... Well, they were there to sell nudes and more. Which, I get it-you want to make money, and you're attractive enough to sell, that's fine. I don't have any moral issues with doing that, but it's frustrating when I add people, hoping to make new friends or enjoy a date, and instead they're just there to sell.
I don't fully know why I'm posting this thread-I definitely want to vent, but if anyone does have advice (that I've probably gotten before and just been too much of a dunce to implement properly) I'd be happy to hear it.
Anyway, hope everyone reading this is having a great day. Thanks for your time.I have a LOT of Homebrew!
Spoiler: Former AvatarsSpoiler: Avatar (Not In Use) By Linkele
Spoiler: Individual Avatar Pics
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2020-01-23, 02:31 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
I've not had quite the same experience, but I had def run across profiles selling things. Generally my rule is someone has to have at least three paragraphs and three pictures, less then that and it is too likely to be a bot.
The world would run a lot smoother if men weren't so thirsty.
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2020-01-23, 03:00 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
I'd say that's offensive against us unphotogenic introverted socially anxious geeks, but yeah that seems to be roughly how it works. Apparently one of my problems with online dating is not having enough pictures.
WRT profiles selling nudes/whatever, while I've never come across it myself (see: not enough pictures on my profile), the only problem I have is not being up front about such things. If you're only interested in selling stuff let people know so if they aren't interested they won't waste your time.
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2020-01-23, 04:16 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
I don't see why being introverted or unphotogenic keeps you from posting a full dating profile. You actually have an advantage in having the time to think through how you want to present yourself, whereas in person foot in mouth disease becomes a problem (I talk too much when I am nervous for instance.)
I think of it like auto-sales. First you need an ad that makes people want to see it, but is truthful enough that they don't feel like they have been scammed when they come in. Then they see the car and test drive it (the date) and then they choose to buy or not. The more targeted your ad is the more likely a test driver is already going to want to buy.
The people selling lemons, IE the ones pretending to want a relationship but then in it for something else entirely are obnoxious because they poison the market for everyone else. The worst is sites making bots themselves because not enough people show up on their site.
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2020-01-23, 05:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2017
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
If they were upfront about it and weren't shut down in short order when found out, Tinder would quickly become unusable due to the sheer clog of camgirls.
You don't have to pussyfoot around the fact that they're doing something wrong, just because of the class of people they happen to fall into. If someone is trans and sends angry harassing messages to people they dislike, harassment is crappy and their trans status is entirely irrelevant. Similarly, if someone wants to do sex work and happens to be spamming an unrelated site, they're spamming. What sort of goods/services they're offering doesn't change that fact.
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2020-01-24, 09:12 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2010
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
If I am not confusing it for some other site, Tinder has already become worse than unusable because of the sheer clog of male rapists. Several women reported bad experiences, ranging from man only interested in quick sex, selfish man with whom sex was bad, to man being a rapist. Seems not to be the ideal place for making a good catch, to say the least.
More like a muddy pond where you are guaranteed to pull out either an old shoe or the spawn of Cthulu.
Once a dating site has enough men interested in camgirls on it that advertising for camgirls on that site is profitable, all hope is lost already.
Most women who are looking for serious relationships have likely already left for better hunting grounds, the rest will give up after some bad experiences.
So yeah. Try and find a site that seems more trustworthy. You know, trustworthy enough that women would go there in the hopes of finding men interested in relationships.
Or just, you know, settle for women who don't wear make-up. If I had a photo up on a dating site there would be no way of mistaking me for someone who wants to sell photos.
No one who wants to sell photos would look like me, even if they were born with the same face.
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2020-01-26, 04:00 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
If you're looking for a relationship, as opposed to just sex, my suggestion for online dating is to stay away from dating sites.
Sounds counter-intuitive, I know. But what does a dating site give you? A carefully curated profile, in which the other party is trying to sell themselves. An equally curated set of pictures. I'm sure you've read advice on how to make your own profile look more attractive - well, so has everyone else. And you know what's missing?
Transparency. I almost said "honesty", but that's not true - plenty of people on those sites are as honest as they know how to be. But even with those people, the trouble is, they're talking about themselves. If there's one subject that you shouldn't take someone else's unsupported word on, it's themselves. Few people even have a very good impression of themselves as seen by other people, and even fewer know you well enough to convey that impression faithfully.
So basically you're looking at photos. If you want to look at photos of attractive people, there are zillions of sites for that exact purpose. But if you want to form a relationship, photos should be the last thing on your mind. Much more important to form a tolerably accurate impression of the other party's intelligence, interests, manners, sense of humour, level of education, ambition, family and general ethics. An inaccurate impression of these qualities is a cast-iron guarantee of disappointment. And when you're trying to gauge these things that actually matter in a relationship - photos are the biggest distraction imaginable. The moment you see a pretty face, your libido will mug your reasoning faculties and substitute your rational "assessment" of these qualities for its own, which will be strongly weighted to what you want to see.
But you are lucky. You live in the age of the Internet. That gives you a chance - unprecedented in history - to get to know, potentially, thousands of people without the distraction of appearances. There are tens of thousands of discussion forums, not unlike this one, where you can get to know people over the space of months, talking about neutral subjects. That gives you a chance to gauge those "important" qualities before you even attempt direct contact. (Having said that, I wouldn't suggest this forum. I'd look for one with fewer rules and less moderation. It shouldn't be a cesspool - unless that's what you want, of course - but I'd say it should be a bit more outspoken.)
When I first started corresponding with my spouse, I didn't know their gender, age, nationality or ethnicity. To get to our first date, I had to fly 12,000 miles, and at that stage I still hadn't seen a photo. Best decision I ever made."None of us likes to be hated, none of us likes to be shunned. A natural result of these conditions is, that we consciously or unconsciously pay more attention to tuning our opinions to our neighbor’s pitch and preserving his approval than we do to examining the opinions searchingly and seeing to it that they are right and sound." - Mark Twain
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2020-01-26, 06:00 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2016
- Location
- Colorado, USA
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
i've been married for quite awhile, but we met on a dating site. i had zero factual info on there beyond my age and gender. my whole intro was a parody and a joke, but it was me. you're going to have to slog through some bad apples before you find a good one. the same is true on any site, app, or bar if you were to go there. my advice is to simply state your intentions/expectations outright, and don't try to change peoples answers to fit your narrative if they are bad answers "just because X". don't be so quick to set up dates, get to know someone first and then determine if meeting and doing things is ok.
there's just as many thirsty women as there are men. this is the Tinder generation, where everyone is out for a hook up, and you have to fight against that mentality if you aren't. take it slow, be quick to ignore the idiots, do your time in the trenches, and the law of averages will make sure you have success in the end.
and if you need more photos? take some, they don't have to be awesome... selfies work just fine. if you're a nerd, pose in your nerd regalia, or playing d&d, whatever.
This above all to thine own self be true.Last edited by jdizzlean; 2020-01-26 at 06:02 AM.
Originally Posted by Peelee
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2020-01-26, 12:22 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Location
- South of Heaven
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
My advice was, is, and will always be to stop adding people from dating sites on Snapchat. Snapchat ain't how you build a relationship with somebody. Start the conversation on OKCupid. If it's going well, ask them on a date. If they say yes, offer your phone number so you can plan the details. Call me old-fashioned but I don't think Snapchat's got any place whatsoever in that process, and your experience seems to attest to that.
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2020-01-26, 12:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
- Location
- Hudson Valley, NY
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
I miss the old days when all you needed were friends who knew people and a party.
"We are the people our parents warned us about!" - J.Buffett
Avatar by Tannhaeuser
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2020-01-26, 12:42 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
This might sound weird, but the problem isn't the profile, that presents me exactly how I want to be presented and as such drives away a large portion of potential matches that I wasn't interested in anyway. The problem is the lack of pictures, I tend to appear in about one picture a year, and as such I generally only have one, very occasionally two, pictures that present me as I actually am and not who I am several years ago.
This. A friend pointed out to me that I have a major disadvantage (that she shares) in that I'm very much not looking for casual sex. Which means quite a few people will just stop talking to me when they find that out.
But there are other kinds of people on (some) dating sites! Just, y'know, not into me.
EDIT: as somebody who a) can't deal with parties and b) has friends who very loudly don't know anybody, these 'old days' sound far worse.
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2020-01-26, 03:28 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
We had to make the friends and learn to endure the parties. Yes, on one level it was awful. But on another level, it created a pool of shared experiences that bound us more closely into "the society of our peers", where "peers" is understood to include "people with whom we had basically nothing in common".
In retrospect, that wasn't such a bad thing."None of us likes to be hated, none of us likes to be shunned. A natural result of these conditions is, that we consciously or unconsciously pay more attention to tuning our opinions to our neighbor’s pitch and preserving his approval than we do to examining the opinions searchingly and seeing to it that they are right and sound." - Mark Twain
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2020-01-26, 05:02 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
- Gender
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2020-01-26, 07:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
At some point I should post a detailed analysis of why I can't make friends easily, but I don't have any psychologist friends who could write it. Suffice to say that making a friend seems t take me as much time and effort as it takes most people to find a partner.
Also, due to autism every single time I've tried to go to a party* I've suffered from sensory overload. Suffice to say that even without the social rejection that comes from getting out of a situation which has at minimum caused a flight response, enduring the inability to think because you're absorbing too much information is not pleasant in the slightest. I once had to spend a party literally outside and away from everybody because of the noise.
Add onto that people assuming I'm half a decade or more younger than I am, and the entire 'autism makes people uncomfortable' bit, and yea. Being able to start a relationship via text is a massive step up for somebpdy like me.
* Excusing both dinner parties, which I find are just more subdued, and the ocasional 'party' a friend throws which are an excuse to get eight people, a bottle of wine, and a conversation in the same room.
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2020-01-27, 08:54 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
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2020-01-27, 01:09 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Not only that, but if you were somebody looking to purchase nude photos, adding somebody you barely know to SnapChat seems like exactly what you'd do to go about it. Which might explain the confusion.
You'd find all of that in bars though. Tinder is the online equivalent of going to a bar and buying a woman drinks. Yeah, you might get a relationship that way, but usually people are looking for something a great deal more superficial. There are other dating sites that are better if you're looking for more dating related things.
Same as picking up women or men in a bar.
It's more like once a dating site becomes profitable enough to pay moderators to sort out and get rid of the camgirls then you have hope.
Or they'll keep going there, the same way that women go to bars. I don't think Tinder is your best bet for serious relationships though.
He should date women he is attracted to. It's doing a disservice to date somebody that you are not attracted to, because there will be somebody out there who will find that lady (even you) attractive and you deserve that from a partner. Women (and men) deserve to have a partner who feels attracted to them and feels like they got incredibly lucky.
This is terrible advice, literally the worst, this is what leads to poor nerds creeping on non-dating sites and trying to make romantic connections there, which is bad for everybody. If you're looking for romance you want to find the right dating site, not go to a non-dating venue looking for dates. Of course, you might find somebody you're interested in on a non-dating venue, but you shouldn't be looking.
Well you should be attracted to a person you're looking to date, again, to date somebody you aren't attracted to is the height of being a jerk, and seeing pictures is generally important for that.
People are dishonest in every venue though, they're just dishonest in different ways. And most good dating sites aren't just a person selling themselves, they're also a person describing their interests. And there are a lot of people there who are honest, I met my spouse on a dating site.
But intelligence, manners, humor, education, ambition, family, and general ethics are NOT going to matter once you get under the covers generally. And in a relationship you want what goes on under the covers to be as good as what goes on outside of the covers. If you're looking for a traditional relationship you can't simply exclude a major component of it (barring somebody who is asexual or what-not). Also those characteristics are not always useful in finding a good partner. Intelligence is impossible to rate in a partner based on what they type even in a non-dating setting. Interests, those can be more useful, but again, people lie about interests or misrepresent them on many sites, not just dating ones. Manners, can't possibly be evaluated from an online encounter. Sense of humor, can definitely be evaluated from practically every dating profile. Level of education, can be changed and doesn't matter as much in relationships as potential for income which is not necessarily related as much as people think. Family is not a good indicator of relationship quality people from bad families can be good people people with good breeding can be jerks. And ethics, you can't evaluate without knowing a person in-person.
Photos are necessary, because the person you date should be distracting to you in that way. You should date somebody you're attracted to, of course, if you have a friendship that evolves that's different, but you shouldn't try and evolve that friendship that way.My Avatar is Glimtwizzle, a Gnomish Fighter/Illusionist by Cuthalion.
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2020-01-28, 03:44 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2014
- Location
- Italy
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Just want to chime in to say that AMFV is a wise person who speaks wisdom.
That is not to say that online dating is for everyone, or that other approaches cannot work. But the kind of mentality he expresses in his post is the kind of mentality you want to have in this field. Whatever place (physical or digital) you choose to look for partners, just be open, positive and non-judgemental, and you'll tend to attract people who are the same.
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2020-01-28, 06:39 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2012
- Location
- Tharggy, on Tellene
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Im gonna be honest, Im not terribly surprised. Ive been on several dating sites and they pretty much all suck. Not the sites fault or anything, but either it seems like noone is on, they respond with one freaking word (when their profile says no one word messages) or you talk for a bit and then when they go to work they never message you back.
Me? Annoyed? Whaaaaaa
Tinder isn't a dating app, its a hookup app. Just because people use it to try and find a relationship doesnt change the reason it was made.
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2020-02-22, 01:39 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2010
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
I definitely second this. What benefit is there in involving Snapchat at all? I would expect to go straight from chatting with a possible date on OKCupid (or whatever dating site) to meeting in person. If the person I've been chatting with suddenly wants me to add them on Snapchat, I would regard that as a red flag that they are probably not a legit profile. If on the other hand you're the one moving to connect with them on Snapchat... why?
I think if you're lacking in profile photos, it's worth going out of your way to change that. Get a friend to take a good picture or two of you, specifically for use as a profile photo. It's good to have photos that show you doing the stuff you enjoy, but go the extra mile and take a photo or two just for your dating profile.
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2020-02-22, 01:48 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
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2020-02-22, 01:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Washington D.C.
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Seconded, but I'd also advise to use those pictures tactically. Don't have a picture say "here's what I look like," have it also say "and here's why you should talk to me!" Make them exciting and ridiculous! Create scenarios, have the pictures tell a story, make them fun and interesting! Have a friend get a picture of you mid-ride while in the seat next to you (and buy said friend some food, because that's not an easy feat). Get a shot of you playing The Floor Is Lava, and photoshop the floor into actually being lava. Maybe a picture of you in casual clothing photoshopped onto a frame of an incredibly famous movie scene with an overly-hammy pose/reaction to the scene in question.
Have fun with it! Mostly because then, when people see them, they think, "wow, AnonymousWizard seems like a really fun person, I should talk to 'em!" *swoon*Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.
Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2
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2020-02-22, 02:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
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2020-02-22, 02:12 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Washington D.C.
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Go to the craft store, get 5-6 large poster boards and a few magic markers of various colors. Tape the poster boards together, crudley draw a sailboat, water, and sun (maybe clouds). The closer to looking like a toddler drew it, the better. If you have long-enough hair, have a fan pointed at you to give the effect of a breeze. Have someone take a picture of you standing in front of the sailboat (ideally with the fan partially included).
Spoiler: And post like you're Truman.[IMG]https://miro.medium.com/max/1109/0*b60J-HFOiN7cSVN1.JPG[/IMG]Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.
Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2
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2020-02-22, 02:22 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
I mean, the problem is I do have really good, this looks like a barrel of laughs acting photos, but they're half a decade out of date, as well as literally being qualified to captain a dingy, so it's one of those weird situations where the low effort look just looks really bad compared to what I know I could have. Like, you have to get just the right amount of no effort, and considering I've got access to pictures of me acting in a thrown together costume with no set (all of which was intentional for the piece) anything which looks like it takes more effort would just feel tacky.
Like, those pictures are the end result of an entire week of intense effort, but they look like very little effort was put in.When your set is four ladders it takes a lot to top it.
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2020-02-22, 02:24 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Washington D.C.
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.
Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2
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2020-02-22, 02:28 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
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2020-02-22, 02:44 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Washington D.C.
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.
Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2
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2020-02-22, 02:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
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2020-02-27, 08:43 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2019
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2020-02-27, 08:51 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Washington D.C.
- Gender
Re: Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)
Last edited by Peelee; 2020-02-27 at 08:52 AM.
Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.
Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2