Red light, Green light.

[Raiser Blade]

The following is the result of a work assignment at school. We were supposed to rewrite the story of rip van winkle. As you can probably tell I jumped at the chance to turn a childhood story into a depressing morbid story.

The story itself is 5083 words long and it took me about two days to write.

Please enjoy.

Spoiler

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*Disclaimer* I am a very inexperienced writer and I make no claim at any writing skills. Also I had several key inspirations for my story. The following is my own work however. Also I suck at punctuation feel free to correct me.

Red light, Green light

Year 2061
????
3:05 PM

Red and green. Two buttons glowing red and green. Two little lights glowing underneath the buttons pulsed with brightness. John reached out towards them. He stared at the labels underneath each one. The glowing lights from the buttons had just enough glow to illuminate the words stamped beneath the two buttons, Containment field followed by a string of numbers identifying the base where it was located. John sighed, it had all come to this. He closed his eyes and made a choice. As he reached out to push his selection he heard a voice. “Daddy I’m scared.” John turned to face a small boy. His son Ryan would be 8 physical years old next week. It was at this moment that John realized that there was no right choice. He turned back to the console. Those two buttons stared at him. Daring him to choose.



Year 2019
April 4
7:03 AM

John Kelsey was jolted awake by his buzzing watch. Looking up at the time he yawned an then got up. After getting ready for work he drove his two kids to school and then he drove to his job at precisely 8:45 AM like he had every day for the last 7 years. John worked at Tier 1 a company that was on the cutting edge of technology when it came to viral and bacterial research. Today however was not like every other day on the job. Today John was going to unveil his completed masterpiece. It had taken seven years of research and it was finally ready. John felt a nervous pang in his gut as he walked into the three story building. If everything went well today John would be able to live out the rest of his life researching what he loved while still supporting his family. If something went wrong however. No, John was not even going to consider that possibility. After seven years he had to have it right this time.

John’s phone rang. He looked down at the caller ID. It was his wife Emily. Not wanting to disturb the early morning quiet of the office John decided to send her a text message. Pocketing his phone John walked into his office. Rooting through the stacks of paper and files John found the one labeled Freezecell and pocketed it.


10:00 AM
John stood before the county board members of Tier 1. Trying to suppress that ever growing fear in the pit of his being John took a deep breath and began outlining his research. It had all started twelve years ago. Just starting his freshman year of college John had known he wanted to join one of the advanced medical research fields. He would never forget the first time he heard about cryogenics. The ability to freeze cells and leave them in suspended animation had instantly captivated him. For a research paper in his sophomore year John had elaborated on how one day man would harness this ability and use it to cure previously incurable diseases. When he had been hired at Tier 1 he jumped at the chance to make this dream a reality. And now seven years later he had come so far. In his third year on the project John had a breakthrough. “Rocky” the test dog had undergone a chemically induced Cryo sleep and had recovered. Just last year they finally completed a successful human experiment and now they had refined the process to almost perfection.

John explained how by keeping the human body completely frozen through various chemical reactions was possible. He explained how they could put someone in the cryo tube and bring them out months later and they would not have aged a second. The possibilities were endless.







12:00 AM
John quickly finished off his sandwich at his desk while he waited for the boards response to his work. The presentation had gone well. At least in John’s eyes. Whether or not the board members felt that it was worth investing in was a completely different story.

The phone rang…

John tried to calm his hand as he picked it up. It was just his secretary reminding him of a meeting he had at five. He set the phone down again. He tried to be calm but how could he? His future was on the line right now and it was all he could do to keep himself from passing out with nervousness.

There was a knock on the door.

John answered it. A lady handed him a packet and then walked away giving him a curt nod. With trembling hands John opened the envelope. A big white paper fell across his desk. It was full of print and had places to sign but John didn’t care about that. All that mattered to him at the moment was the big red stamp across the front of the paper. It was just one big red word stamped by a standard company tool but at that moment it was the most beautiful thing in the world. APPROVED


Year 2021
June 9
6:00 PM

Click

John turned the key in his office door. Double checking to make sure it was locked he turned and began to walk toward the front of the building. Even though key locks had been outdated for years John liked the aesthetic feel. It gave him a sense of nostalgia. As he walked through the electronic scanner he pushed a red button. Initiating lockdown rang out from a speaker above John. Stepping through John watched as the electronic doors slid together and fused shut. Nowadays at Tier 1 they spared no expense when it came to security.

For a year now John had been head of the cryogenics research branch at Tier 1. The studies had advanced so rapidly. Much more rapidly than John had ever dreamed. But now there was trouble brewing. International affairs were on the edge right now. After yeas of bickering between the United States and China it seemed like war was about to start. John had been personally contacted by the military only yesterday. It seems that the military had been closely watching John’s biochemistry research. John felt uneasy about dealing with the military. As far as he knew they wanted to take his research and turn it into weapons. John shuddered when he thought about the destruction that could ensue if the army got it’s hands on his technology.

By now cryogenics research was more advanced than it ever had been before. John’s team had achieved the ability to manipulate cells on a sub-atomic level. Using cryo stasis they had been able to isolate and store several deadly viruses. A few months ago they had begun experimenting with different strains. You could almost say they were “breeding” these microbial creatures. Just two weeks ago a lab assistant had finished a month long research project on virus 228AJ John had been amazed at this virus’ tendency to adapt to any surrounding. Around the office it was called the leech virus. Bred from a lymphoma cancer cell and a mutated form of malaria it had proved to be one of the more aggressive viruses.



For a year now John hated his job. He hadn’t expected the research to come to this. Unfortunately he had two options. Go along with what the board wanted. Or go looking for a new job. Moral discrepancies aside the pay here was very good and on the side John got access to the technology for what he originally intended. But still nothing felt right about what he did anymore. He cringed every time he walked into the cryostasis lab.

When they had tested 228AJ on various small animals it had a very peculiar tendency. Instead of killing the animals it had taken control of their bodies. It literally fed of the infected animal like a leech. The mutations it caused were grotesque. Many times John and his crew would have to kill the test subject themselves as an act of mercy. One time John woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Images of mutated bunnies hopping around, snarling, with that look of malice in their eyes.

June 19
6:05 AM

Good morning Jonathan.

John sat up and yawned. Picking up a remote he turned his alarm off. Groggily he got up and walked over to the kitchen. “Make toast” he commanded. Butter or no butter a computerized voice called out. “Butter please” John said. He walked over to his couch and called out “news on.”

9:05 AM

John sat staring at the screen. His mind reeling. His family was clustered around the screen just staring at the live footage. This was it John thought. It was all happening now. On the screen live footage was capturing the chaos.. The destruction.

At precisely 2:00 AM the Chinese had bombed Washington D.C. At 4:00 AM emergency reports had come in from airbases in California and Hawaii. It was war. John’s phone buzzed. He looked at the I.D. number. He had been expecting this call ever since he had turned on the news three hours ago. There was nothing he could do the military was in charge. They wanted his virus and they were going to get it.


12:05 AM

Alright everybody get in. A gruff looking soldier helped John into the vehicle followed by his kids and then his wife. John tried to comfort his kids. Riding in the military certified armored truck was frightening. Even John felt a little nervous. He gripped his wife’s hand tightly. John and his family were being transported along with virus strain 228AJ to a military base in Texas. The Chinese won’t know what hit them. John just wanted to scream. He tried not to think about what would happen when the virus hit. He tried not to think about the millions of people who would be transformed… transformed into grotesque, manic, beings. He cried on the inside when he thought about the children… the babies.
Sitting there with the weight of the world weighing on his soul John looked ten years older than he really was.

“Daddy these masks itch.” “I know” said John. “Try and be brave for daddy. Ok Ryan?” “It’s only until we get to Texas.” When it came to handling 228AJ you left nothing to chance.

Screeeeeeeeech

There was a sudden lurch as the van seemed to fly out of control. Swerving on both sides of the road.
John looked up. Temporarily brought back from his internal torture chamber. Something was wrong.

Krakoom!

Why is everything going black? John wondered as the world seemed to spin itself into a frenzy. For a brief second all of John’s troubles seemed to melt away. For the first time in a long time he felt nothing and after a year of guilt pains eating at his very being nothing was heavenly.


Warm liquid. That was all John felt as he slowly came to. Warm liquid dripping on his arm. He reached to wipe it away.

Blood

Quickly John stood up. A little too quickly. He felt dizzy but regained his composure after a few minutes. He reached up to find the source of the blood. A small cut on his head. John breathed a sigh of relief nothing major. He checked the rest of his body As far as he could tell there was nothing worse than a few scrapes and bruises. His mask had seen better days though. Several holes were letting in smoky ash filled air. He looked up.

The entire front half of the truck was gone. The back half was directly behind John. At first glance he couldn’t see any bodies. But then he saw an arm. A flash of fear went through him as he walked over and tried to identify the body. Relieved he realized I was the soldier who had been riding with them in the back.

Looking around the wreckage John couldn’t see his family anywhere. Then he heard a cry. “Daddy, daddy your awake!”
Turning around John could see his 10 year old Kyle running towards him. In the distance he could see Ryan and Emily. Throwing a quick prayer of gratitude up to the heavens John made his way over to his family.

“Alright you stay here I’ll be right back I just need to go make sure that the package is safe” John aid to his wife. Giving her a quick kiss he turned and ran back to the accident site. As far as John could tell Chinese spies had infiltrated this plot of the U.S. governments. They had planted a trip mine and an EMP to hopefully try to destroy the virus. There was probably a team of infiltrators on their way to pick up the virus right then. Time was of the essence. John hurried over to the holding area. Rather what was left of the holding area. He spied the package it was upside down. Grunting a little he flipped the box over.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11.… 11.

There was twelve tubes when he had ever so carefully packed this box back at Tier 1. Now there was eleven. John spotted some broken glass along the bottom of the box.

Disaster.

Feeling at the holes in his mask John grew wide eyed. Turning back he ran back to his family. “Kids get your masks on quick!” “My strap broke.” “Mine has holes in it.” John was running out of options. In a matter of hours the whole county could be infected. In a matter of days the whole state. Then an idea struck him.

As he and his family “briskly” walked back towards Tier 1 John pulled out his phone. Cursing under his breath he tossed his phone to the side. It had been completely fried by the EMP blast earlier.



???? AM

Out of breath John and his family walked up to the main entrance of Tier 1. Access password please. A small key pad appeared on the side of the building. John quickly typed in Datafox. “Come on kids hurry”. John led his family down the twisting pathway that ran down the middle of the office. Entering another password on a door marked cryostasis chambers he ushered his kids inside. “John are you sure about this” his wife looked at him with a worried look. “To be honest no but if we’re infected it’s the only way to contain the virus.” “Okay John I trust you”. John wished he could say the same about himself. He wasn’t the same anymore. After compromising his values for so long it was almost as if he wasn’t human anymore. He felt like a battered weary husk of a man.

Silence. Beautiful silence. John looked at the three cryo tubes that held his family in suspended animation. He had sealed each one himself. If there was any way out of this viral catastrophe this was it. He stepped into a fourth tube. He had already prepared the settings to sustain human life. If needed the tubes could hold someone for forty years without letting them age a day. After that though the machine would run out the necessary supplies. As he pressed the button that would seal the hatch John tried to think happy thoughts. He tried to remember things the way they were. Before his life had become a canvas painted with moral shades of grey.

Year 2061
????
???? PM?

Pshhhhhhhhhhhhh

A harsh hissing greeted John’s ears. The container’s door swung open and John was ejected out of the tube. The floor was dusty, cold and hard. Stretching his cramped muscles John tore the feeding tube from his mouth. He turned to see his family’s tubes.

Empty.

One had shattered John didn’t know why. John didn’t know if he wanted to know why. Wait on second glance one of the tubes was gone altogether. Ryan’s tube. Where could they have gone, John wondered, why didn’t they wake him? Mind reeling he looked around. Then he noticed. A drop of blood. And another and another. They seemed to be leading outside the cryostasis room. Following the blood John made his way through Tier 1. He couldn’t help but notice the state of disarray everything had entered. By John’s estimate he had been in suspended animation for close to forty years.

“Find anything?” “No this place is a dump lets get out of here.”

John quickly turned when he heard voices.

“Hello”, John called out, “who’s there.” Two figures entered Johns view. John couldn’t really tell what they looked like because both of them wore full face masks with weird breathing appendages on them.
“Hey check it out trev he ain’t wearing a mask.” “You think he’s infected?” “Shoot without a mask he prolly is.”

The taller one walked up to John. Hello my name is Trevor and the one who talks funny is Katy. “I don’t talk funny you do.” John noticed the woman’s apparent southern accent. “Why don’t you have a mask?” Trevor asked. Hi my name is John Kelsey I just woke up you see… I’ve been in cryo for just about forty years by my calculations. “Forty years? Katy sounded shocked. Why this man ain’t got a durn clue what’s goin’ on. I reckon we get him a vent mask and then give him the ol’ rundown. “I’ll be right back” said Trevor. About four minutes of awkward silence later Trevor returned holding a mask that looked similar to what he was wearing. “Government standard issue”, Trevor said, as he handed it to John.

John placed the mask over his face. The first thing he noticed was the odd flavor of the air coming through the filters. Ya’ll will get used to the taste after awhile. Ya won’t even notice it anymore after a few months have gone by. “Thanks: said John. Now would one of you care to explain the current state of events to me?

“Are you sure you want to know?’” said Trevor, “it’s a long tale filled with sadness.” “Tell me everything” said John “I need to know.”


The following is a brief history of the nation formerly known as The United States of America as told by Trevor Shann

My dad was twenty-two when the infection hit. He remembers first hearing of an attack by the Chinese on our nations capital. There was a panic that swept through our nation as we prepared for war. But then these reports started coming in. Monsters they said. There were these monsters that were attacking people. And the people they bit became monsters as well. At first some people brushed it of as an urban legend. The war was going good. We had retaliated with much force. China it seems had underestimated our will and resolve.

But then they showed up in my dads hometown. A woman was attacked while walking home. People began to leave. Everyone was paranoid. At this point the government began to take notice. Special Monster Hunting Units or MHU’s began showing up to take these beast out. But it was a losing struggle. Eventually they figured out that you could get infected without being bitten. It was a disease like a virus or something. Then the containment camps showed up. If you were suspected to be carrying the virus you were immediate carried to a containment camp. There you underwent a trial period of two weeks. If you were clear you were released. If you showed that you were indeed infected then well you were executed on the spot. It didn’t matter if you were a man or woman adult or child. The government was pouring billions of dollars into stopping this virus. It was around this time that the vent masks began to be distributed.

They failed. Despite their best efforts the virus spread. The tell tale signs would show up everywhere. Bloodshot eyes at first. Then the mutations start. Horrible mutations. Eventually they began using the containment camps to keep the uninfected away from the infected. Thousands of people would be crammed into a base with not enough food and water. Me and Katy were born at one of these bases. Sadly even these structures weren’t enough. The blood thirsty infected would find the bases. Eventually they would find a way in. Now I hear there are only three left. In the entire nation.

Me and Katy decided that we would have a better chance striking out n our own as runners. We move by day and hole up by night. We’ve we’re lucky. At night they search and I they find you it’s game over. We we’ve been runners for 10 years.

“And that’s the story.” “How about you?”

John stared off into the distance. Why? He tried to comprehend the vast effects his actions had caused but every time he approached that epiphany something held him back. He knew what he had to do.




When him and his team had realized the destructive potential of 228AJ they had immediately negotiated talks with the military on creating an antidote. It had taken a long time to prepare and even longer to set up a national defense system but it should be ready. Why? John wondered, had no one used it before. It didn’t mater it was up to him now. In an underground base roughly 19-20 miles from Tier 1 lay the control panel. It was wirelessly connected to thousands of ejection tubes strategically placed all over North America.

At the control panel there lay two buttons. One would release the “safe virus” in testing it had shown a 70% reversal rate. It killed off the virus without causing any harm to the infected. By a complex chemical reaction it would recreate the infected peoples bodies over a few weeks by copying a brain pattern. The other button released the “killer” virus it would completely and horribly eradicate 228AJ from the face of the earth. God be with any infected people who were disposed of this way. The bacteria was a killer specifically “trained to target the infecting strain. Victims would have their internal organs literally torn apart little piece by little piece. The death was slow and painful. The thing was it had a 100% success rate.
Whoever deployed the antidote would have to choose. Once one was deployed there was no way to rearm the launch tubes to try the other one. There was no room for error.

“Do either of you know the way to the Tetra base? John asked. “Why the tetra base is one of the last running containment units” Katy exclaimed. “Why do ya’ll wanna go there for?” “There is a way to stop the virus there I’m sure of it.” John stated. “How would you know that? “Trevor asked. “Because I created this virus and now it’s up to me to end it.” “You.. Created this monster virus.. “Katy sounded absolutely dumbstruck. “Yes and believe me I’ll go to my grave wishing to God that I could turn back time but for now we have to move.” At this moment saving every last life possible was all that mattered to John.

“Hold on there pard’ner. We ain’t goin’ nowhere til’ the morning.” “Why not?” asked John. The infected hunt at night so that’s when we hide,” said Trevor, “We move tomorrow morning so for now we should find somewhere to sleep for the night.”

As they moved toward the back of the building John heard a sound. Turning he slowly walked towards the noise. He heard it again it was coming from one of the many offices in the building. He opened the door.

A rat scurried across the floor. This however was no ordinary rat. It turned and John could see the all too familiar bloodshot eyes and deformed facial features. Snarling it turned and lunged for his leg.

A shot rang out.

Kate stood behind him holding a handgun. What was left of the rat was spread across the back wall of the office. A little shaken John stepped back and shut the door.

Year 2061
????
Around 1:00 AM

Bunkered down in his old office the trio bedded down for the night. They took turns on watch and in what seemed like mere minutes to John the sun rose.



Around 9:00 AM
Trevor set a brisk pace for them as they made their way through the ruined streets. “Once the sun hits its peak keep an eye out for a good place to spend the night” , said Trevor. There was no response. All day John had been silent. Absorbed in his thoughts he moved mindlessly, following Trevor.



They traveled for three days in this manner bunking in ruined motels and one night they stopped at a discrepant dentist office. Finally they reach Tetra Base.

They knew they were there about three blocks before they actually got there. It was such a change going from eerie silence to such a load ruckus. Cries of sorrow mixed with pain. Babies wailing with no one to comfort them.

They walked up to a large military compound. “Hello three non-infecteds asking for entry”, yelled Trevor. There was an ominous groan as the front gate swung open.

They walked in.

The first thing John noticed was the smell. It was a mixture of rotting flesh and stagnant water. Not even the vent mask could cover up the stench that was wafting from every corner of the base. John looked around several haggard faces looked back. There were women with their babies. Older men lying down. It seemed like everyone who was fit to work was somewhere else.

They walked in further. There they were greeted by a young man in a brown and orange costume. “He’s an MHU” , whispered Katy. “Hello my name is John Kelsey. I was head of the freeze cell project and I am responsible for the outbreak of the virus. Below this base there is a control panel I need you to take me to this panel.”

The MHU seemed taken aback but nodded in understanding. “I do believe your referencing the room below the medical lab.” “I’ll take you there right away.” Trevor nodded to Kate and they both started to walk the other way. “We’re gonna go get some grub we’ll catch you later okay, said Trevor. John waved at them then he turned to the MHU. “You may lead the way” he said.

As they made their way through the base John had that same far away look on his face. It was almost as if he wasn’t in this horrible twisted reality but in another more peaceful time. He dreamed about playing in the park with his kids. Bringing flowers home to his wife. Oh how he wished he could turn back time…

“Daddy!”

Brought back to earth as if a lightning bolt had struck him he turned towards the voice. He couldn’t believe it right there behind some sort of fiberglass was his son Ryan. Ryan looked to be only a few months older than when John had first put him in the cryotube. John ran towards his son. He stopped at the barrier and pressed his face against the fiberglass.

“Ryan what are you doing here?” “They took us all of us me and mommy and Kyle. They said we were defected or something. They took us here and they.. They..” At this point tears started to well up in Ryan’s eyes. “They shot mommy and Kyle daddy. Don’t let them shoot me. Please Daddy don’t let them shoot me.”


Ever since John had been awakened from cryostasis he had been changed. He no longer displayed emotion. He had become dead on the inside. The weight of his actions combined with the loss of his family had taken the man inside his body and twisted him into a being of cold determination. At the sight of his long lost boy however. Something inside him reverted to the old John something inside of him broke. He seen the bloodshot eyes. The start of bone splints coming out of Ryan’s hands. There was no doubt he was infected.


John turned and tears began to crawl down his face. He slowly walked back to where the MHU stood. Weeping as he felt his heart break he said “Take me… to the room.” Before know he thought his mind was made up. There was no room for error. Even a 70% chance was not good enough. But this… this changed everything. As he began to walk he tried unsuccessfully to block Ryan’s screams out of his head. He would take those screams with him to the grave.

As fate would have it the control panel was directly below the place where Ryan and the others were being continued. He looked down. Red and green. Two lights. The green would release the safe bacteria the red would release the deadly one. Two pulsing lights and he had to pick one. All he had wanted was a shot at redemption. A chance to make up for his past wrongs. But it was never that easy. He knew what he had to do but how could he do it. He had seen the way infect creatures died when they came into contact with the killer bacteria. It was not humane and it was not quick.

Thrusting his eyes to the heavens he made his choice. He whispered as he pushed down on the button “I’m sorry.”



After the screams died down you could see what was left of the poor souls in the containment field. Limp bodies on the ground. Many in contorted positions of agony. Ranging from the elderly to the young each one in his or her own personal pool of blood. Ryan was no different. If you traveled down below to the control panel you would see a different kind of tortured soul. A man on the ground with an expression of pain on his face that no physical wound could bring. The red trail leading from the ground to his forehead spells out attempted relief from the burden of his sins.

Red light, Green light that’s all there is. Which light is the right light. The world can never know. You see when you leave the realm of moral absolutes. And black and white become grey. There is only one judge and you must live with the consequences.

The End.

[Raiser Blade]

No comments? Does it suck? Did you like it? Anything?

[Raiser Blade]

Nothing really? Is it too long? At this point I would settle for someone saying "Hey I started to read your story but it sucked so much I got bored and stopped." Just please someone comment please.

[Szilard]

Its a bit long so I stopped reading at

John’s phone rang. He looked down at the caller ID. It was his wife Emily. Not wanting to disturb the early morning quiet of the office John decided to send her a text message. Pocketing his phone John walked into his office. Rooting through the stacks of paper and files John found the one labeled Freezecell and pocketed it.

But I'll continue reading it during vacation.

[Bryn]

Sorry, Raiser_B1ade, I read it but didn't post.

I really enjoyed that. It was fairly well written, and although there were several spelling and grammatical errors it was still a good concept and story. So, thumbs up from me

[Szilard]

Its a bit long

I mean for a forum post,but not for a book, I read harry potter seven in a day so reading its no problem for me, only finding time for it.

[Nameless]

I didn't read it all but that's just because I'm lazy not because it's bad.

It quite good, I like how you repeat the red and green at the beggining and at the end.

[Raiser Blade]

Thanks for the comments everyone.


I figured it was a bit long and maybe that's why people didn't want to read it.

So extra special thanks to everyone who took the time to read the whole thing.

Your input is appreciated.

[Raistlin1040]

...It's dark. I mean, really dark. Like, monsters grabbing you in the night, and ripping your flesh apart dark.

[Raiser Blade]

The following is the result of a work assignment at school. We were supposed to rewrite the story of rip van winkle. As you can probably tell I jumped at the chance to turn a childhood story into a depressing morbid story.

Yes, yes it is. Consider yourself warned.

[kirbsys]

I like the general story, but not necessarily the writing (no offense). I feel the same way about Harry Potter though (at least the first few), and those are some of my favorite books. I think if you took the time, this story could be great, and if you really took the time you could make it into a good novel. Still, good story, decent writing, overall I liked it.

[Raiser Blade]

I like the general story, but not necessarily the writing (no offense). I feel the same way about Harry Potter though (at least the first few), and those are some of my favorite books. I think if you took the time, this story could be great, and if you really took the time you could make it into a good novel. Still, good story, decent writing, overall I liked it.

So basically you're saying you like the general idea behind the story rather than my writing in particular? That's cool thanks for your input.

Also I know what you mean about taking more time and turning it into a better story. I kinda cut it short because it was for school. I am currently writing draft 2 which contains more detailed scenes when John is traveling with Trevor and Katy.

[Pirate Phane]

Hm. Since you wanted some input, I skimmed through the peice. Using more of your volcabulary would do wonders to your work, while using large words is not always best for certain situations. Lack of grammar tidbits thingamabobs really breaks the flow for me, and also remember to start a new line for speech. It makes it much easier to read, even if it does break up your paragraphs a little bit. Also, you don't need to bother describing every single little detail about your character in it's introduction. If you wished to, you're allowed to gradually reveal things to your reader. However, I liked the fact that you started in the future at a cliffhanger, whilst not revealing anything too important to your readers, prompting them to read on.

As a general rule, always run your documents through word, and proof-read them before handing them in anywhere.
<3

[Raiser Blade]

Good news! I just got this paper back and I scored 100/100!

[Nameless]

Good news! I just got this paper back and I scored 100/100!

Awesome! Well done!

[Keris]

Good for you! Only time I ever got 100% on an English paper was when we were asked to write a short story on the same themes as "Of Mice and Men". I said to myself "Mine will be set in Russia, and have Vampires."