Iron Poet III

[Felixaar]

@Felixaar

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"The only thing that would've made this easier to pic is if someone had sort of broken away from the predictable interpetation of grief"

I must ask, though... perhaps I didn't say this well enough in the poem ..., how a lady who murdered/sealed away/buried her lover in her cellar and is now shattered at her own predictable?

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Whaaaaaaa? Sorry, I thought the guy had just died via a nondescript reason! Yikes, im glad I voted for you now, if I didn't I'd have to go change it. Also, remind me never to come "check out the basement!" with you.

Yay! Thanks, Felixaar!

N'prob *tips hat jauntily and walks off*

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I'm just glad to hear that you liked it. I can see how my poem would fit better under Denied or Rejected rather than Denial, but I guess that was the first thing that came to my mind when I read the prompt

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And I'm just glad to hear you're not kicking me out of Iron Author for not voting for you seriously though, thanks.

[Amotis]

Here's a draft of my poem if anyone's interested:

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dies irae

watched two pairs of headlights collide
in a darkened parking structure.

aphotic sounds engulf the air
that embroider the sky.

the radio presses static but the melody
feels warm.

[ZombieRockStar]

Okay...here's what. I'll read and post judgements now, and anyone who wants specific feedback from me can ask for it, if they so choose.

Coolgaelbert vs. Mr. Saturn:

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Mr. Saturn

Elvaris vs. Raiser_B1ade:

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Elvaris

Gezina vs. Gem Flower

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Obvious. I promise I'll review yours, though, GF. Just because I think you deserve it if your opponent doesn't show.

Em Blackleaf vs. Sweet Rein

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Reina

Malmagor Andrigal vs. Kneenibble

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Kneenibble

Tormskull vs. Zeratul

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Zeratul

Next round should be better. Sorry.

[Raistlin1040]

Phoekun vs Ravyn

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Phoekun, I really like your style of writing. It flows masterfully, and seems just the right amount of length. Ravyn, yours felt a little long, but also flowed very well. However, Phoekun seemed to have a better feel for the theme, and putting it into poetry, so round to him.

Cool Gaelbert vs Mr. Saturn

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Gaelbert, your poem could have used some separation of verses to make it seem more like a poem. You also repeated a few words, you even used Night twice in a row. Perhaps that was intended, but it upsets the balance a bit too much for me. Saturn, yours, at least in the beginning, seems a bit off. The first verse has no balance between the lines. The syllables (Or however you spell that) are 4-3-9, and it feels a bit awkward to read aloud. That said, it's a nice enough poem, except homes and comes don't rhyme. This is a close one, but I'm going to have to say Gaelbert, purely for being a bit longer, and flowing a bit more.

Elvaris vs Raiser B1ade

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Elvaris, I don't like rhyming. It reminds me too much of English class, where they ask you to right a poem, and then everyone either writes a haiku or a rhyming poem. However, this is a very well-thought out poem, and the child-like rhymes are easily overshadowed by the brilliant theme. Raiser, your poem is so imaginative. The theme is similar, but yours is a more image-provoking idea. Round to Raiser, just because I like his word choice.

Gezina vs Gem Flower

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Gem by default.

Em Blackleaf vs Sweetrein

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Em, yours is like Raiser's. It has the effect of conjuring images in my head, and the opening line "A benevolence lost" is a fantastic phrase. Sweet, yours is good, but seems typical. If I were to write a poem on grief, and put it off until the night before it was due, I suspect it would come off just like yours. I'm sure you put a lot of time and effort into it, but the story is hazy and a tad boring. Round to Em.

Malmagor Andrigal vs Kneenibble

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Mal, yours is a mixed view for me. I like the beginning, the natural describing of tourists, and the light mocking. But the ending line, while thoughtful, seems counter to much of the poem. Kneenibble, I like yours, but it's very jumbled. I can't quite grasp the overall story, although it is very well-written. I think round to Kneenibble, because his poem is beautiful, if occasionally confusing.

Tormsskull vs Zeratul

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Torm, your poem connects well with me. Every teenager has been rejected, and denied that they did anything wrong. I know I don' like rhyming, but you pulled it off. Zer, yours makes little sense to me. I don't know the story, or the point really, and Denial seems to be loosely stapled to the poem, instead on being the theme. Round to Tormsskull.

All done. Sorry for the wait.

[Vaynor]

Doh! That's all the judges. For some reason I thought there were more.

Congratulations to:
Amotis
Phoekun
Elvaris
Em Blackleaf
Kneenibble
Zeratul
Gem Flower
Coolgaelbert

Sorry to those who lost, better luck next time!

For those who want to see the votes:

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((O = 1 vote))
AmotisOOOO vs. TruemaneO
PhoekunOOOO vs. RavynO
ElvarisOOO vs. RaiserbladeOO
Em BlackleafOOO vs. SweetreinOO
KneenibbleOOOOO vs. Malm
ZeratulOOOO vs. TormskullO
Gem FlowerOOOOO vs. Gezina
CoolgaelbertOOOO vs. Mr. SaturnO

[Kneenibble]

Is this a round robin that keeps going, then, or is that it?

@v Ah, okay, thank you. That is what I meant.

[Vaynor]

Is this a round robin that keeps going, then, or is that it?

Hmm? Not quite sure what you mean there, but we will have more rounds until only one person remains (the winner). I will have the new round up within the next day or two.

[Felixaar]

Five of the eight people I voted for made it! A net gain for team Felix! Bummer about Sweet, Rav and Rais, but I guess you just cant argue with the mob... especially when its an angry, torch bearing mob with access to a portable black hole or some sort of nuclear device.
Behold the inner workings of my mind. If you're not scared, you should be.
Looking forward to round two! Just dont make it hard with any of your excellent poetry, im warning you now.

[Gem Flower]

Haha! Round 2! Congratz to Amotis, Phoekun, Elvaris, Em Blackleaf, Kneenibble, Zeratul, and coolgaelbert! To all others, keep writing, your poems were still great! Better luck next time!

[Zeb The Troll]

*ventures into unknown territory*

Hey cool. Poems. Congo rats to the winners!

*takes seat for the next round*

[PhoeKun]

@rubakhin:

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Your commentary is fair. I wrote a fairly "generic" poem because

1) I had a very specific image in my head I wanted to put on a page
2) I prefer to "play it safe" when getting my feet wet in these contests
3) I don't share the same dislike most modern poets have for popular images.

There's a fine line between classic and cliche, and I know it's a risk to walk that line in and of itself (what isn't a risk in poetry, I wonder?), but I don't think its too cardinal a sin to use generic imagery if you can get the feelings you want across well enough.

Having said that, I'm going to try to be a bit more vivid and unique in my next offering. Look forward to it, 'k?

@Felixaar:

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Thanks for joining the contest as a judge. Judges are hard to come by, and prompt judges are an even rarer breed. I do appreciate your efforts this round.

But I feel I should be honest. I read your commentary about my and Ravyn's poems, and even share your belief that it was a close decision - Ravyn is a very good, very creative writer. I don't know how I would have voted (and thank goodness I didn't have to make that decision! ). But... the reason you listed for choosing hers over mine, for all of the possible things you could have listed is... troubling. Winning because she used a single word in a medium you weren't expecting is a very esoteric reason, and poetry judging is already so subjective it's pretty much impossible to be entirely fair and level about it even with incredibly intensive effort and extensive expertise. Hearing you say it came down to the word psychedelic makes me feel like you just flipped a coin, and I can't help but be a little worried that my (or someone else's) hard work could be eliminated over something like fondness for one or two words.

Again, I want to thank you for your time and effort so far. I'm sure you're doing your best to provide the best judgments you know how to. I just wanted to be honest and express my concerns, since I had them.

@ZRS:

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The last line was a bit pat, wasn't it? I wasn't sold on it from the beginning, but this was one of those things where it came out the way it came out, and I wasn't going to be able to touch it until after the round was over.

I sort of retreated into my safe zone in the second stanza, which is unfortunate because my safe zone is a holdover from younger days when I didn't have half a clue what I was doing. I'm going to try to keep a closer watch on myself next round, so hopefully the next one will be a bit tighter and better controlled. Thanks for the comments!

@Vaynor: Not to push you, but... could we have the next round soon, please? I'm kind of anxious to keep going...

[Vaynor]

Yup I'm preparing them now. Edit in a sec.

EDIT:

Poems most include aspects of both the written prompt and the picture. You will be judged based on how well you include both of them.

ROUND 2

Amotis vs. Zeratul: Comedy/Humor, Swing

Kneenibble vs. Phoekun: Gymnasium/Gymnast, Camera

Elvaris vs. Gem Flower: Big/Giant, Cliff

Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf: Baby/Child/Childhood (one or all), Seaside Town

Deadline: The midnight between Wednesday, February 20th 11:59 pm EST (GMT -5) and Thursday, February 21st 12:01 pm EST (GMT -5).

[Felixaar]

@PhoeKun

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Heh. To be honest, thats not what it came down to. What it came down to was pretty much in the end an unconcious decision, and I struggled to find a reason for it. It's kinda hard to put the process of my thinking into words, so Ill try with smilie's...

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Finished previous poem with satisfactory judging! Hurrah!

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Oh no, two good poems! Despair!

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Hmm... PhoeKun's poem is very good...

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But Ravyn's poem is so epic.

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Yet, Phoe's poem sticks closer to the prompt.

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I signed up to judge, why?

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I must consult the force.

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I always poke my tongue out when I concentrate.

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AH CRUD I BIT MUH TONGUE!

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Still no insight, grumblemumble

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Man... must pick... Ravyn

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Profit!

If that doesnt help, which it probably didnt, I'm sorry I can't explain this better. And I must say I really do appreciate your honesty - feel free to be honest with me in the future. I've also got to say that you wrote your inquiry rather well. Thanks for the compliments, returned to you (except replace judge with poet). *internet-hugs* I look forward to the next round.

*wrings elbows* Round Two, Hurrah! I can't wait, guys!

[Gaelbert]

Seaside Town
Babies/Children/Childhood

Darn happy poems. Can't stand them. I should probably stick with my dark ones.
V@: Yes. How dare you.

[Vaynor]

Ah, yes. How horrible of me to do that to you.

[Gem Flower]

Ahem, just pointing out that this actually is an accepted form of poetry. Can't remember what it's called though. Ah well,

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The cliff is what I see each day
It’s what I say good night to
But, always, it so towers over me

Its innocent surroundings
Give an atmosphere serene
But, always, it so towers over me

It’s just so overwhelming
It’s biggest of them all
But, always, it so towers over me

I’ve never gone much farther
Than my quiet little town
But, always, it so towers over me

I can’t imagine larger
I’ve never seen its like
But, always, it so towers over me

Am I supposed to include the picture? If so, here it is: http://imagecache2.allposters.com/im...ey-Posters.jpg

Right, soooo. Hope that's good enough, once again!

[Amotis]

Comedy/Humor, Swing:

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shakespearean comedies (the end)

two years ago
we played together
and smiled.

with the world
swinging by our young hands.

we were close to god.

now i sit (and remember)
in dark playgrounds.

and all my hands touch now
are cold empty chains.

if i write
goodbyes
about how it was,
is it letting go
or keeping it alive?

[PhoeKun]

Gymnasium/Gymnast, Camera

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Beijing, 2008


He yawns and finishes a hot dog, cracks his neck,
And lets the wrapper fall to the ground.

Discarded scrap of paper wafts in artificial breeze,
Flutters over five joined rings.

Booming voice of God announces her name,
Echoes in English, and Chinese.

He bends suddenly, knees popping in protest,
Fumbles for the camera.

Her auburn hair dances in a ponytail,
Sways as she steps into the light.

Silver blue and red sparkle in the spotlight,
Cling to slender subtle curves.

Her chest rises and falls a little faster now,
Pulsing music starts to play.

She runs and tenses, leaps and flips, lands and poses,
Avalanche of applause cascades down.

But he sees her in reflected light.

Twirl. Spin. Hit the mirror and reverse.
Twirl. Spin. Hit the mirror and reverse.

Body of light. She leaps and dives into an arc of electricity.

Twirl. Spin. Flip the switch and record.
Twirl. Spin. Press the button and preserve.

[Elvaris]

Big/Giant, Cliff

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The old man sat and began a lament,
An ode to a place called Earth.
He spoke of trees and cliffs and bright blue sky
Of mountains that only he'd seen.

"You could swim in a lake near mountainside
Then dry off under trees evergreen.
The sky was open and vast overhead
not hidden behind sheets of steel.

I know what you're thinking, it's plain to see.
The domes hold in the air we breathe.
We couldn't survive without their presence,
Why rail against that which you need?

Because even here where the air is stale,
Collected, filtered and returned,
There are lessons in the ancient landscape
That should never be forgotten.

The universe is vast and filled with worlds
Of infinite variety.
But each has its own natural wonders
That can not be duplicated.

So build your domes, do what you must to live,
But remember the fall of Earth
And respect the planets on which you land,
For even worlds have their limits.

[zeratul]

Comedy/Humor, Swing

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A peculiar thing is the swing
High flying strange contraption
The joy and mirth
Which in it one unearths
As stated in the caption

Drawing closer to beams of light
Like magnets to a pot
Its chains jangling like bells
So often bring foolish yells
From a childish lot

And at night it glides
Reminiscing of rides
And human and flying chairs truce
And it shows its scars
Yet remains unmarred
For another days levitous use

[Kneenibble]

the unknown touch

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his flesh bends fluid, flips, and lands,
an O without a shape, or form -
too flickering quick on feet and hands
to be abstracted. flesh is warm
and round; but mind is cool, square,
and seeing seven somersaults,
draws one in four sharp edges there,
a static shape set free from faults.
and thus, his folding flesh is cut
from all the superflux of sense,
and known in the judgement. but
the knower has no recompense:
the mind can look, but cannot touch,
and tumbling bodies beg so much...

More academic than my usual, and
I used the photographic reference obliquely and abstractly.
So it goes, my women!

[PhoeKun]

You love to cut it close, don't you?

Still, I'm happy to see you make it in. Bye rounds suck...

[Kneenibble]

You love to cut it close, don't you?

Still, I'm happy to see you make it in. Bye rounds suck...

*bows*
The well-used habit of my lifetime, sir!

[Em Blackleaf]

Babies/Children/Childhood Seaside Town

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A shining ray of sun on the sandy shore
Bold as the crashing waves
Blithely dancing on the water's edge
A child, of surf and sand

Playing cheerfully, with the stones
Washed smooth by the tumbling sea
Too consumed in his innocent games
To be bothered with burdens of adulthood

Now, the joyful boy has grown
He looks over his old seaside home
Only to shed a saltwater tear
For the child long-last

[Zeb The Troll]

Alright! All 8 poems are in.

*settles in to do some "light" reading*

[Amotis]

ROUND 2
Amotis vs. Zeratul: Comedy/Humor, Swing

Kneenibble vs. Phoekun: Gymnasium/Gymnast, Camera

Elvaris vs. Gem Flower: Big/Giant, Cliff

Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf: Baby/Child/Childhood (one or all), Seaside Town


Yay, complete brackets! ^_^

[zeratul]

Wow, no lates, impressive.

[Vaynor]

Sweet, I'm glad we had no late people this round. Good luck!

[rubakhin]

Amotis vs. Zeratul

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Amotis

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Ay. Look, my friend, there's one thing that bothers me about this poem, and I am going to lay it right out on the line. The title is pretentious. So I'm going to respond with equal pretention and point out that in grouping Shakespeare's plays, the comedies were those considered to have happy endings, generally including across-the-board romantic fulfillment. I'm hard-pressed to come up with one that didn't end on the principal characters about to get married. (I guess maybe Love's Labour Lost if you stretch.) So I have no idea why you'd drag the Bard into a totally unrelated poem about loss. Now I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the title means something that I'm too dim to pick up on, but I got the initial impression that you had no idea what you were talking about and just chose it because it sounded like it might be relevant. Which aggravated me.

Anyway. It's mostly forgettable, and I've seen you do better, but the last stanza brings up a nice idea that made me think for a bit. Which is the mitigating factor here ...

Zeratul

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Ach, well. I wasn't too fond of this one. The rhyme scheme is all over the place here, and you're reaching for a lot of those rhymes ("The caption"?) and even the imagery is a bit of a mess - "jangling like bells" is the least interesting image in the poem, and a swingset can't really show its scars and be unmarred at the same time, even in the figurative sense you were aiming for (being that it wasn't mutilated beyond use). In the third stanza, you probably meant "reminiscent" of rides, which makes more sense than "reminiscing of rides" - and even then, not so much, because a swingset is a ride. I'm not overly fond of your rhyming thing/swing and pot/lot, either, but at least those sort of worked.

Verdict

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Amotis

Kneenibble vs. Phoekun

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Kneenibble

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Man, gymnasts. I used to date this one guy who - *ahem* anyway. This poem is great. It's fluid, kinetic. Only it drags in the middle slightly, becomes more intellectualized instead of physical, which hurts it somewhat. I admit that, despite the liquid beauty of the language, I wasn't entirely sure what was going on and I regret that that made it harder to like. Mathematical concepts were not meant to be expressed via poetry, alas. Well, that and I should have stayed in school long enough to take geometry. The error is probably on me.

(Actually, this is outside the realm of the judgement, but I would like to remark parenthetically that I understate how much I like your poems. To me they are full of these erotic elements, these elegiac elements ... I end up going into an old boyfriend coma whenever I read one of them.)

Phoekun

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Ah, that's creative use of the prompt. I wasn't expecting anyone to try something like this. You've improved a lot since the last round. You take the details and you bring out the character and the feel of the place in more subtle, evocative ways. This one was the most enjoyable read for me out of all this round's poems, I was quite pleased.

Verdict

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Hokay. Well, this isn't an easy one, but in the end I'm going with Phoekun

Elvaris vs. Gem Flower

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Elvaris
I liked this one a bit. But you know, I don't think you do enough with the concept - show, don't tell, is the principle of storytelling and in storylike poems (quite possibly in all poems) the same principle applies. This poem is weakened because you point out what the moral is, it becomes didactic, even preachy. I think you could have achieved a better effect ending it by, say, having the old man wander outside the domes to die, or by actively doing something to express and share his longing. You would have said the same thing with far greater poignance.

Gem Flower

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It's called a villanelle, and you're doing it wrong. If you're curious, Wikipedia has some information on how to correctly structure one. I won't hold that against you, though.

Anyway, this poem left me cold. There's no emotion in it. We can't tell how the speaker really feels about the cliffs, or the town, or anything that you brought up here. There's no image to hold on to, either. Also, the language is quite off - "but, always, it so towers over me" would do better without the commas and without the so - only if you had to have it in there "but always it towers so over me" might work better. It threw me off, and it kept disrupting the quiet feeling of the poem.

Verdict

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Elvaris

Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf

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Coolgaelbert

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This one wasn't bad. Aside from being, basically, Citizen Kane. It's quite evocative (especially the first stanza!). It suffers a bit, in particular at the end, from the same problem that Elvaris had, the compulsion to announce the moral of the story instead of showing it. You could have had the man taking a sea bath or making a sand castle or doing something that would show us that he had found inner calm. You also could have showed his unhappiness in similar ways instead of just telling us about it. Still, it's a lovely story.

Em Blackleaf

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Hrm. This one is in much the same vein as Coolgaelbert's. I think that it could have benefited some from what Coolgaelbert's has in spades - the main character going out into the world and exploring what he did there that made him dissatisfied. Again, there could have been more done with the ending ... the single tear thing is so overdone that it doesn't even move us anymore.

Verdict

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Coolgaelbert

[Amotis]

@rubakhin:

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I do agree...the title is pretty pretentious. By the way you took it and the way I meant it to be. I was kinda hung up on it for a while but I guess it made it's way to the final draft. Anyway, the way I wanted it to mean was to the same vein of how you explained it to be, just a little bit further (going back to me being worried/hung up on it). Like in Shakespeare's comedies (and I don't mean to get up high either, just explaining it if you didn't know, which I assume you do), where a couple is split up and in the end (and I think you're completely right about this, I can't think of any comedy of his that doesn't end in marriage) are brought back together. So I took that idea (and using the title to emulate the tone and feel of his comedies, aka that strange "is this really love?" or "is this really a comedy?" or "Is this really bringing people back together?" feeling, like in Midsummer Night's Dream where the marriage is there but its done by magic so you hesitate on the commentary he has on true love and stuff or in the Tempest where it's one of those comedy/tragedy/wtf is this? sorta thing) and extended it to past and present (how he's fighting, swinging even, you might say , between what was and what is), people's and their feelings, and how in the end it's all brought together in a sort of "wait...is that even together?" sorta way. The past and present are brought together by the inability to truly let go even though in that he is letting go. And how the people and their feelings are brought together in a sort of skewed way in kine with the feelings of the ends of Shakespeare's comedies.

To boil it down, I put the structure in a prompt based form kinda. The first two stanzas are the past, one character. Swinging toward that. The third stanza is the peak, but also a sort of weird subtone of the present (and the ending) too. And the fourth and fifth stanza are the present, another character, swinging back. And the final stanza is the ending, the marriage if it were a Shakespearean comedy. But it's not totally as expected, as per Shakespearean comedies.

Anyway, please let me know what you think about this. I know I'm laying way too much on the title, which people may not get, and that's a bad habit of mine. Is that too much in this poem?