Iron Poet III

[PhoeKun]

@Amotis:

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If you don't mind my adding my two cents here, I think you most definitely hung too much on your title. Reading your poem originally, I'll admit I didn't really "get" it. I mean, I understood the words, but wasn't really sure where you were trying to go with it, and now I understand why I didn't. You were definitely right to worry about depending too much on people catching on through the title, but worse, you were relying on them taking away one small and relatively obscure part of Shakespeare.

The "is this really love or isn't it or what the hell is going on" feeling is not the norm in Shakespearean comedy, at least not in the end. Consider the following:

As You Like It
Much Ado About Nothing
Comedy of Errors
Merchant of Venice
Winter's Tale

All of these are tales in which the relationships end the tale with the ambiguity and the problems lifted away from them and gone. This is what most people will tend to think of when you invoke Shakespeare in the context of comedy. So I think the reaction to seeing Shakespeare attached to a poem like this one is going to be largely negative on a matter of principle.

I think if you rewrite this, you should change the title, and try to get the message out of the body of the poem, rather than intertextuality.

Sorry if I sounded harsh or critical. I'm not trying to be, but I think my classes are starting to rub off on me in ways I don't want them to... :/

@Rubakhin:

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I can't think of much of a response besides "I'm glad you liked it".

I have the approval of a Russian poet! This is, like, a hug milestone in my career, right?

[Kneenibble]

@ Rubakhin (who loses not my slavery though I lost his vote):

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Thanks! And you've only read two (I think?)! Think of the power I will wield when you have read more. *peers over steepled fingers*

For the record, it's not referencing anything mathematical or geometric, it's referencing - and attempting to challenge - Kant's empirical epistemology. But a poem should never rely on a poet's exposition for sound reception, therefore it is not your fault, but mine, and I shall revise according.

I revised the last entry since, too, if you're interested.

[Amotis]

*does a smexy bump dance*

[Vaynor]

Come on judges!

[Alarra]

Sorry! Busy weekend with no internets, I'll have mine in by tomorrow or Wednesday.

[Felixaar]

Sorry for late judgements, y'all. Enjoy. To those I voted for, good job, and good job to those I didnt because they were all hard to pic (damn poets. Ill get you for this).

Amotis vs. Zeratul

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Both good poems, Amotis' posed an interesting question, Zeratul better combined the prompts. Hard to choose, but im going to go with Zeratul. One thing though - did neither of you realise the swing in the picture is made of rope, not chains?

Kneenibble vs. Phoekun

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Once again both good, but I vote for Phoekun's because it gave a clearer image. Didn't really feel either of captured the picture prompt; it was a camera/microphone, palz.

Elvaris vs. Gem Flower

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Dificult choice here, but Im going to have to go with Elvaris; despite my lack of worry about global warming and climate change. Both poems combined the prompts well. (it's a good thing, people! It'll sort it self out in four years, sheesh) [/rant]

Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf

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Ouch, you guys are too good, and this is a really hard one to draw a conclusion from. As much as I'd love to pass you both, I'm going to go with Coolgaelburt, his just made me sort of smile at the end. Im a sucker for happy endings. Would have instantly voted for anyone who included that churchish looking building in the picture prompt, though.

[Gaelbert]

@rubakhin

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I'm afraid I've never seen Ctizen Kane. But I hear it's quite a classic. So show, rather than tell. Got it.

@Felixaar:

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I was trying to make a little reference to that building in my first 3 lines with all of the religious stuff. In my other drafts, all that was much more pronounced.

[zeratul]

@Felixar"

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Hahaha, dude I just now realised that about the picture

[Alarra]

Elvaris vs. Gem Flower

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Elvaris

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I didn't really like this poem. It felt a bit clunky and I had to really work to understand where you were going with the prompts. Once I did, however, I liked it a bit better. You do have a nice grasp of language and really I appreciated the message behind it, albeit a bit heavy handed. I must say though, that this poem was far from your best and I was disappointed. Maybe I just have really high expectations of you.

Gem Flower

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I've always been a fan of repetitive lines. They can tie verses together well and maintain a running theme throughout a piece. That being said, it is imperative that if you use a line in every verse of a poem that it be a good line. The word order and even choice of words in that line seemed awkward and just...well...off. It also didn't really feel like it made a coherent ending to each stanza. There were verses that I felt that line seemed completely out of place, where it seemed tacked on purely for the repetition, rather than in service of what you were saying. I also felt this poem lacked imagination, and you used your prompts very stereotypically. You word choice was nice though, in most of the verses.

Verdict

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Elvaris

Kneenibble vs. Phoekun

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Kneenibble

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Once again, I've issues with your formatting, but that's just me and my silly prejudice against breaking in the midst of lines. Sensuous, evocative, fluid....in truth, it reminds me far too much of your last entry. The gymnast prompt is well utilized, but it takes far too much digging to find the camera. You do paint a lovely picture though.

Phoekun

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I loved this. I liked the way you tied the viewer's actions to the performers. You painted the scene very well and your choice of words and language were spot on. Really...there's nothing I can even criticize. I really thought this poem was great.

Verdict

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Phoekun

Amotis vs. Zeratul

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Amotis

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I wanted to understand this....I wanted to like it. I like Shakespeare and Shakespearian comedies. I've taken courses in them. Sadly, even after you explained where you were trying to take this, I didn't quite get the connection between what you showed and what I know of Shakespeare. It was hard to grasp and I don't like working quite so hard to understand things. That being said, some of your verses were nice.

Zeratul

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While I wasn't a big fan of a lot of your rhymes and word choices, the bouncy cadence of your poem did feel reminiscent of swinging. Some of the lines didn't really make sense to me, but overall I think you combined the prompts well enough.

Verdict

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Meh...I suppose Zeratul

Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf

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coolgalebert

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This is good. It has a good flow, decent imagery, and a compelling tale. I'd almost say a timeless tale. Like one I've heard before. Nice word choice, this didn't feel clunky at all. I would have liked a bit more....imagery, I guess. I feel like it was being narrated to me, rather than seeing the scene unfolding and that you didn't leave much to your reader's imagination.

Em Blackleaf

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I liked this. I wanted to read it over and over because your lines flowed so well. The imagery was nice and really, I think you did a very good job.

Verdict

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I liked them both, but am giving this to Em.

[Vaynor]

Amotis vs. Zeratul

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Both good poems, Amotis' posed an interesting question, Zeratul better combined the prompts. Hard to choose, but im going to go with Zeratul. One thing though - did neither of you realise the swing in the picture is made of rope, not chains?

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The poems do not have to follow the prompts that specifically.

[Gem Flower]

@rubakhin

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Hey, I want to got to an arts school, I gotta get used to this stuff. I admit that I wrote the poem quickly, and the word choice was awkward. Ah well, at least there was a quiet feeling to the poem. It's what I was going for. Thanks for judging and the review!

@Alarra

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w00t, go repetitive lines! Anyways, if I want to go to an arts school, I gotta get used to this stuff. I do admit that I wrote the poem quickly and without originality, and my repetitive line was awkward. Thanks for judging and the review!

@Felixaar

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Thanks for sparing my confidence! But hey, I want to go to an arts school, gotta deal with rejection. Anyhoo, you're a great judge and any contest would be lucky to have you! Thanks for judging and the review!

[Kneenibble]

Alarra: the word
is
enjambment.

The rest of your response to my poem
is perfectly fair, but about
enjambment,
you're arguing
with a long

poetic

precedent

to dislike it!

[Felixaar]

you way of press enter every few words is killing my brain. good job.

[Alarra]

Kneenibble:

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Truth be told, enjambment doesn't bother me so much if the line break is where there would be a normal pause in speaking the line anyway. The problem that I have is when the formatting breaks the flow of the poem and makes it more difficult to be read aloud.

[Felixaar]

@^

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I got that too.

[zeratul]

*Casts magical spell of thread bumping*

[Raistlin1040]

...Erm. Whoops. Forgot about this...

Alright, results. I might elaborate later, if I have the chance, but I'm pretty busy with school and stuff.

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Amotis

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Phoekun

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Elvaris

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Em Blackleaf

[Vaynor]

I believe we're waiting on ZRS's judgments now, correct?

[zeratul]

Correct. But I may be killed, anticipation is killing me, and it's got an ancient red dragon for a mount.

[Felixaar]

Let the reaping begin!
Seriously though, I know how you feel. Im anxiously waiting for a reply from a publisher...

@Coolgaelburt

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I see, but - no offense - if you have to point it out, it's not really pronounced enough.

@zeratul

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I know, odd, isn't it?

@Vaynor

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Maybe not if you were judging

@Gem Flower

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Same to you! Uh, except replacing judge with poet and review with poem.

Anyone PM'd Zombie Rock Star?

[ZombieRockStar]

Amotis vs. Zeratul

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Amotis

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I love that middle line. Religiosity aside, putting "we were close to god" right in the middle of the poem, where everything switches, the border between past and present, is just beautiful. I like this one better; it shows a greater deal of organization and a very nice sense of minimalism.

Hmm...I'd say cut the "(and remember)". Not sure how much purposes it gives and that the line would be much better without it. In a more general sense, I definitely wanted more. Nostalgia is such a strange emotion and I'm only getting a quick shot of it here. Emotional conflict, maybe? (Psychoanalysis time: Freud described mourning/melancholia as a conflict of both love and hatred for the lost object...just a suggestion for one possible direction to go)

Zeratul

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This is much better than your last one; I'm impressed. It has a sense of its own meaning and a better use of coherent images. "Like magnets to a pot is a particular favourite.

"Levitous." No. Eww. Get rid of it. My problem isn't because it's a thesaurus word, but that it's used in a thesaurus way. What I mean is that it seems wholly unnatural and poetry should sound like a natural expression of feelings. Same deal with "unmarred," which is far too archaic. This poem just doesn't feel organic enough, is my problem with it.

Verdict

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Amotis. His just seemed more poetic and organic while Zer's felt a bit stilted.

Kneenibble vs. PhoeKun

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Kneenibble

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You know what this poem could've used? Just one line of chiasmus (the technique of repeating the first half of a phrase, but flipped around..."not what your country can do for you/but what you can do for your country"). You've got all this alliteration that works quite well in some places (usually when it's only two words or a bit more subtle) and not so well in others (where its just over the top, like "superflux of sense").

Otherwise, I really like this. The first and last lines are particularly well-composed. Like I said, sometimes the alliteration is just far too much. "Seeing seven somersaults" is particularly bad. But I really like the way it ends, which is odd 'cause usually ending with an ellipsis is kinda cheesy.

PhoeKun

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Well-composed language. It reads like it could be either straight-forward poetry or wonderfully descriptive prose...it's got both. The two-line structure is well-used. I think there might be a problem with the repeated lines, though. If you wanted emphasis, I'd have just used single lines instead. It would contrast enough. Though that end section does have a nice sense of action in any case, after the set-up of the first part.

I think this is missing something, and it seems to be mood, atmosphere. Lost of what's happening, and a nice image at the beginning, but I don't think that does enough to create a feeling for the place in question.

Verdict

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Kneenibble. Tough choice, but there was a sense of lacking in Phoe's that really would've helped hers a lot, which it did for Kneenibble.

Evaris vs. Gem Flower

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Elvaris

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"Collected, filtered and returned..." Favourite line. Something about the clinical side of it, in contrast to air, which is such an symbol of freedom and being insubstantial. However, I don't like the two lines that come after it. Too obvious.

That, I guess, extends to the whole poem, I guess, which is my main complaint. It's missing a certain poetic nature...it doesn't feel like it's comfortable with itself, I'd say. I know I'm being vague, but I can't point out anything specific.

Gem Flower

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If you're going to use a repeating line, like in a villanelle or what you're doing here, it had better be carefully written and constructed. I like what you've come up with, but it seems like you could've done better. Repeating a poignant metaphor or something. Also...get rid of "so." It doesn't work.

I like the short, simplicity of the lines, they feel natural, which is why I don't like the "so."

Verdict

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Truthfully, I'm not a fan of either. But I'll go with Gem Flower, since it seemed like she's got a poem that..well, basically feels more like poetry than just verse.

coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf

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coolgaelbert

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"Child of the sea." No...just, way too expected, way too traditional. The opening of a poem should have impact, and you're not going to get it with a line like that.

That said, you've got a nice depiction of an arch-typical narrative here. But...I dunno. I wanted a twist of sorts. Everything about this was too expected.

Em Blackleaf

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This is a fairly typical narrative. I'd prefer if you played with it a bit. Poetry should be playing with conventions. I'm not saying that it can't be narrative...just give it a little twist.

On the other hand, you have a nice conciseness of language here, a simplicity that makes the descriptions a bit more pastoral and evocative.

Verdict

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Don't particularly like either, sorry, because you both did such an expected thing with what you were given. I'll give this to Em by virtue of being a bit more economic with her words and a bit more poetic with her descriptions.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations to:

Amotis
Phoekun
Elvaris
and Em Blackleaf

New round will be up within a day or two...

[Felixaar]

Well, congrats to all above! But congrats to all of you cause you all did a good job (plus much better than I ever could). *eagerly awaits round three*

[Zeb The Troll]

Congrats to those who move on to the next round!

*waits (im)patiently for the next round*

[Raiser Blade]

*Dances a very bumpy dance*

Next round please.

[Vaynor]

Sorry!

Amotis vs. Elvaris: Swim, Pride
Phoekun vs. Em Blackleaf: Space, Fate

Deadline:

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 at midnight (the time between the 18th and 19th) EST.

[Zeb The Troll]

[nitpick]It's Daylight Saving Time now, so it'd be EDT, not EST.[/nitpick]

[Felixaar]

*looks at space picture*
Woahoho.

Phoe, Em, if either of your poems can capture that, you'll be my official laureate's (sp>) when I conquer humanity.

[Vaynor]

*looks at space picture*
Woahoho.

Phoe, Em, if either of your poems can capture that, you'll be my official laureate's (sp>) when I conquer humanity.

It's a cool pic, isn't it? Saw it and had to use it.

[Elvaris]

Swim, Pride

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Butterflies

Stillness. Not a breath is taken.
At a sound, an explosion of motion.
A wave of life, churning away.
A flurry of strokes propelling the flight

A barrier, a change of direction.

Now, a drive for a destination, for a perch.
A goal in sight. Stretching. Reaching.
Finally, a touch. A fleeting touch
And a swell of pride as one finds wings.