The GM is an idiot

[MrEdwardNigma]

Out-Game
"There's only rats inside the hole, Koga. The only way to get one is by killing the big rat first. Oh, and about the big rat..."

In-Game
The huge rat leaps at Kam, angry at him for throwing the book at him.
(1d20)[1] +1 to hit. (Kam AC 6)
(1d4)[4] damage. (Kam hp 8)
That's a lucky miss!

[chrono]

That's actually a critical miss.
Chrono says after staring at the d20 on the table.
Now in regular circumstances when you do that you drop your weapon, slip and fall on your butt or hurt yourself... I'm curious to see what exactly a rat can do in the case of a fumble... Bite itself on the butt and give itself rabies perhaps?

[MrEdwardNigma]

That's actually a critical miss.
Chrono says after staring at the d20 on the table.
Now in regular circumstances when you do that you drop your weapon, slip and fall on your butt or hurt yourself... I'm curious to see what exactly a rat can do in the case of a fumble... Bite itself on the butt and give itself rabies perhaps?

"I suppose it hurts itself by jumping into the wall instead... 4 damage to the rat instead of to Kam"

[Quxelopqr]

OOC:"No, no, giving itself rabies might make it a dire rat. God knows we can barely beat the normal one."

IC: Kam attmepts to hit the rat again.

[LatemYvaeh]

Latem looks over the sheet handed to him from Hank he blinks a few times and goes Ah perfect glad you wrote them down I do apologize some times I get distracted he coughs once or twice clearing his throat He writes the Name Diana above the pictures and thinks odd picture for a girl he must of found it when he googled his own name and saw Hank the Ranger from that old D&D cartoon

So I assume my master sent me into town to get supplies or something when I walk notice all the commotion

Latem's voice pitches upward into a falsetto alto range and he goes

Bread Eggs Beer Cask Bread Eggs Beer Cask Master said get Bread Eggs Beer Cask

You all see a blond girl wearing green clothes muttering to herself as she walks oblivious to the commotion to the bar she looks at the bar tender and repeats the mantra

Master said to get Bread Eggs and Beer cask please to be give me Bread Eggs and Beer Cask

When she finishes she stairs at the Barkeep with a vacant stare

I hope you don't mind me making her speak after all with a 1 int and 2 wis she is about as smart as raven which can mimic speach

[Koga]

OOC:
Koga does not look happy, he looks over at Lantern and thinks:

Oh GOD, not one of them tranny players! That's worse then no girls at all! Luckiely the pain will only be temporary when my girlfriend gets to be in the next session...


"Hey Hank, these rats, are there any dead rats in my viewable distance?"

[Bayar]

Hmm...my character died ?

hehe, just as planned. If I cant get racial modifiers to stats, carefully selected spells that combined break even RL, and no weapon decent enough to cut an orc...

K, going to roll a new char now.

(1d20)[9]
(1d20)[6]
(1d20)[4]
(1d20)[18]
(1d12)[8]
(1d12)[12]

Since I cant play as a wizard, becauseyou know, I died, think I will go with a fighter or something...

Edit: Perfect.

[Silkenfist]

((I think, the Orc with 1 HP is dead. Not that it would matter that much.))

OOC: This wasn't going well. The allies were fallen or fleeing and the Orcs would soon reach the village.

IC: Dangalf runs back to the tavern and shouts...no wait.

OOC: Silkenfist stares at a pink d8 he had swiped from somewhere, concentrating hard. Remember, what would Dangalf do. He would act more dignified than running around screaming for help like a wuss. Yes, that's it. Calm and dignified.

IC: Dangalf calmly walks back to the tavern, looking stern and concerned but still confident. He opens the door, looks at everyone inside and speaks...

OOC: Now that was the tricky part again. What could he say that wouldn't sound squeamish?

IC: Everyone off your seats. Orcs are attacking the village and we have to protect them.

[chrono]

IC: Everyone off your seats. Orcs are attacking the village and we have to protect them.

At about this moment, the running bard, still screaming nonsense at the top of his lungs reaches the tavern.

[MrEdwardNigma]

((Yes, the Orc is dead, Silkenfist, sorry about that))

In-Game
Kam attack the rat again, this time bashing it with his fist instead of throwing the book at it.
(1d20)[3] -1 to hit. (Rat AC 15)
(1d3)[1] -1 damage. (Rat hp 1)
That's a miss, I'm afraid.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Bob the innkeeper tries explain to Physical that he only sells beer, oh, and milk too, but definitely no bread or eggs. And then Dangalf, the wizard, enters, asking the villagers for aid but they all ignore him. It's pretty hard to ignore Drek though, who barges in after Dangalf, screaming like a banshee.
"Adventurer!" Bob says, "You are bothering my costumers! Please leave!"
The mysterious man with the black cloak and the pipe who's sitting in the corner of the room, obscured by smoke, shakes his head in dissaproval.

Out-Game
"Sure, Koga, there are two dead rats in the cellar"

[Duke of URL]

OOC: "Um... unless I missed my character dying or something, I'm still attacking the rats, too."

[MrEdwardNigma]

OOC: "Um... unless I missed my character dying or something, I'm still attacking the rats, too."

"Oh, you were being so quiet, I assumed you fell asleep and didn't want to wake you"

Xian Li attacks the rat:
(1d20)[7] -1 to hit. (Rat AC 15)
(1d6)[6] -1 damage. (Rat hp 1)
Miss.

And in case that isn't enough, Harry Rotter crawls through the hole and whacks it with his staff.
(1d20)[10] +1 to hit (Rat AC 15)
(1d6)[6] +1 damage. (Rat hp 1)
Miss.

[Bayar]

Oups ! forgot a d20...(1d20)[19].
(1d20)[9]
(1d20)[6]
(1d20)[4]
(1d20)[18]
(1d12)[8]
(1d12)[12]

STR: 19
DEX: 12
CON: 18
INT: 8
WIS: 9
CHA: 6
AWE: 4

My new character is Trogdor, the human fighter. He wields a greatclub, has a lance with him, and uses a leather armor.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Oups ! forgot a d20...[roll0].
(1d20)[9]
(1d20)[6]
(1d20)[4]
(1d20)[18]
(1d12)[8]
(1d12)[12]

STR: 19
DEX: 12
CON: 18
INT: 8
WIS: 9
CHA: 6
AWE: 4

My new character is Trogdor, the human fighter. He wields a greatclub, has a lance with him, and uses a leather armor.

Not really. He'll have standard fighter stuff. A sword and some clothes. As for Latem's character, she has a bow and some clothes, but only ten arrows. Basic equipement, you know"

[Bayar]

Not really. He'll have standard fighter stuff. A sword and some clothes. As for Latem's character, she has a bow and some clothes, but only ten arrows. Basic equipement, you know"

I thought a piece of armor and a shield were standard stuff for fighters too...good thing I didnt create a barbarian, or else I had to explain how rage works...

[MrEdwardNigma]

I thought a piece of armor and a shield were standard stuff for fighters too...good thing I didnt create a barbarian, or else I had to explain how rage works...

"Raaaa-ge?"
Hank shrugs.
"Oh well, the rat attacks Harry Rotter"
(1d20)[6] +1 to hit. (Harry AC 11)
(1d4)[4] damage. (Harry hp 4)
Harry dodges with ease.

[Bayar]

"Raaaa-ge?"

Precisely.

[LatemYvaeh]

Latem looks up to see the returning player and says Hello, my names Latem and you are?

He sits and waits for Hank to give any acknowledgement of what Diana is doing and starts working on his system again. After 10 or so minutes he looks up again and says

You all release that with an Int of 1 Forrest Gump has about 100 IQ points on her and she can not take any actions unless being told to by someone in game
He looks over at Hank and says
This is why scores below 3 are considered unplayable
Str of 1 not strong enough to move yourself ala Steven Hawkin
Dex of 1 see MS or other degenerative nerve or neurological damage
Con of 1 starvation victim or person on an iron lung and dialysis machine
Int and wis of 1 Drooling idiots
Cha of 1 generally social pariah or psyche ward resident unable to exist in society

So until someone gives her a Task Diana will be in the bar waiting on her Bread Eggs and Beer Cask

He then goes back to work on his campain

[Bayar]

I prefer to be a sociopat than a vegetable. Put that 1 in CHA. Do yourself a favor.

[Duke of URL]

OOC: "Gods yes, otherwise who knows what 'tasks' Koga will give her."

[Bayar]

Can we share her, Koga?

[MrEdwardNigma]

Out-Game
"Well, if that's your idea of roleplaying, go ahead, Latem... But you're free to do whatever you want, you know. Anyways, the bartender tells her to shove off"

[chrono]

Drek stops screaming immediately and gives the bartender a puzzled look.
Wait, I'm sorry - isn't a band of irritated orcs a cause of concern around these parts? I was expecting to be a voice in a chorus of mothers running to hide their babies so they aren't eaten... or something.

[MrEdwardNigma]

In-Game

Drek stops screaming immediately and gives the bartender a puzzled look.
Wait, I'm sorry - isn't a band of irritated orcs a cause of concern around these parts? I was expecting to be a voice in a chorus of mothers running to hide their babies so they aren't eaten... or something.

"The Orcs have been in charge here for quite some time, sir bard. I suppose you didn't notice their huge fortress at the top of the hill? Not much we can do about it, but they don't bother us much as long as we allow them to kill anyone that bothers them and eat the occasional baby"

[Bayar]

Wonder why everybody assumes that every single orc is evil. Havent you heard of Warcraft?

[Koga]

Out-Game
"Sure, Koga, there are two dead rats in the cellar"

OOC:
"I take those rats and put them in my pocket.."

If anybody sees me;
IC:
"Me'sa make a GREAT rat-stew!"

[Koga]

Can we share her, Koga?

OOC:
"Ah, do what you want with her. I was trying to determine perhaps the IQ of someone based on intelligence.


But by my charts Latem's character would have an IQ of 10.

The same as broccoli...


When really she exbibits qualities of an animal level intillect, animals do have an intelligence score of 2 or less. Which means their IQ must be <60..

That tells me she's about as smart as a parrot. Good luck getting a parrot to do things for you. I don't have that kind of patience lol!"

[LatemYvaeh]

Latem looks up at Hank and says Diana begins following the instructions given to her from the bartender

Yes Sir Shove off

She begins walking down the bar shoving every object on it off on to the floor if she comes to a patron she shoves them off their chair all the while chanting in a sing song voice

Shove off! Shove off! I was told to Shove off!

[chrono]

Drek is mystified for a moment, but then gathers his wits and says:
Well, I guess it's fine then. I think the orcs already killed whoever was annoying them and since eating babies can't be helped I'd better go where I can help... I believe you still have a rat infestation problem.

Drek goes to join the rat fighters, but only draws his weapon once he sees any rats.

[Koga]

OOC:
Koga looks at all the players and says;
"You guys suck at being heroes, luckiely you have me around to guide you.

Once we kill these rats, I'm going to make a craft stew check. It's going to be served raw rat meat mixed in with lots of herbs, vegetables, and meat sauce. Orcs love to low-carb...


We will personally send this pot of delicious stew to the orcs as a peace offering. No doubt, the orcs will act on impulse and give into their nostrils and tastebuds. Every last orc who consumes the stew will be inflicted with filth fever. All we have to do is just wait a few days and let the orcs kill themselves with the leftovers...


At the very least, while they're eating rat-stew, they're not eating babies, and it gives me a bit of time to think up another plan. Sense you all seem dedicated to attacking unsentient creatures.

I wish I had been a paladin so I could smite you all for you insolence... The only competent player here is bayar, and Hank if you count harry dead wizard..

Speaking of which, what is harry dead wizard doing while I'm gathering dead rats and everyone else is killing the rats like morons?"