"4e is all cliches, anime and MMO!"

[Tengu]

As you converse, you proceed down the trail, deeper and deeper into the forest of Planus Adlevo. Fortunately, no creatures decide to attack you, or even make an appearance - at least an appearance that you could notice.

After a while of indeterminate length, you arrive at a small clearing, its center occupied by a run-down shack, with a greenish trail of smoke slowly trailing from its crumbling chimney - maybe it's a coincidence, but the birds in the air above fly in large arcs around it instead of directly through. The thing that immediately catches your attention is a sign at the edge of the clearing, with words OLE DINGO'S PALACE written crudely in charcoal. On the shack's door there is a piece of paper with a large, yellow question mark drawn.

[ExHunterEmerald]

"Oh, really now!" Patchouli huffs. The fact that it took her this long to speak up fortunately keeps in character even though it was really because I was at work all day.

She stalks over to Akane and brusquely whisks off the replacement armor before tossing it back to its owner. With nary a fingersnap Akane's clothing is mended like new, and cleansed of blood, mud, muck, and fanservice. (Prrrrestidigitation!)

"I harness control over the fabric of the cosmos themselves. Your little cloth number is rather less complicated." she snaps before trudging back to the rear.

Then she decides to look over the rapier she'd been handed with an analytic eye.

"This is clearly..." (A case for an Arcana check, but the forum either won't let me do it on an edit, or simply having a hiccup:)

[Azerian Kelimon]

Pity temperament isn't among those powerful forces. Though I guess you follow Golda Meir's philosophy: Do not be humble, you are not so great, Mr. Blade jabs, always willing to throw a sarcastic comment like a throwing dagger. Before a retort can be made, he gets out of range of magical projectiles, though still happy to have his armor back.

Hmm...Baba Yaga ripoff, is my guess. Then, he opens the door, ready to roll out of any possible surprise.

[Terraoblivion]

She had been enjoying the fanservice Akane-senpai had been giving, thinking with some irritation about how she lacked the curves to pull anything of the sort off. So it was sort of a relief to see the other girl covered. And she shouldn't forget Akane-senpai's feelings and she seemed to dislike giving fanservice, which was a shame given how her outfit seemed to be made for it.

"The fabric of cosmos Patchouli? What is that? I never heard about anything like that at school or in the news or anywhere. And what does it allow you to do?" She spoke up in an uncharacteristically non-timid way, because sometimes the player is just too fond of asking a stupid question to stay fully in character. Realizing what she had done she started blushing a bit. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude like that..."

[Tengu]

Arcana check for Patchouli:
(1d20+9)[16]

[Azerian Kelimon]

You picked the wrong job then, sister. Breach, Bang and Clear is pretty much the adventurer's motto. Though what Bang means depends on the situation and individual.

Gimme a hand, will you? The prospect of being blasted full force with some spell or knocked out by noxious fumes is not appealing to me, and I'll need someone to drag me away.

[ExHunterEmerald]

(Trying that arcana roll on the rapier again. If it won't work, I'm just throwing up my hands at it and linking an off-site roll:)
(1d20+9)[23]
(EDIT: GAH! If you don't mind, could we use this roll instead of that one? I didn't even see you'd rolled it until after I posted this. It's tough writing a pedantic character. >_>)

Patchouli glares at Johnny, but doesn't send arcane death his way. But then she seems genuinely surprised at Yuri's question--and for perhaps the first time, graces them with a smile, if only a slight one. It's a nice one. She should do it more often.

"Curiosity can be healthy. Never be afraid to ask a question--though be ready to cringe at the answer."

She draws herself up to her full five feet, one inch height and speaks both proudly and matter-of-factly.

"What we call 'magic' is really quite simply the energy underlying existence itself--a magician is one who can see and harness this energy, which is everywhere and everything. We often call it the fabric of the cosmos, as it blankets all creation. The only limit to the power of magic is its wielder's talent and creativity. There is simply no end to what you can--or can't--" she gives a sharp look at Johnny-- "Do."

She clears her throat a little.

"I hope that answered your question, miss Yuri. please, seek me out in the future if you have any questions on the matter. I will be happy to oblige. In the meantime, however, I believe we have reached our destination."

[Terraoblivion]

"Thank you, Patchouli. I don't think anything like it was back at home. Unless you mean it is like physics or something..." She stopped talking, not sure what to say. This girl was different than anything she had encountered. She seemed nice though, even if she had violated Akane-senpai. That wasn't nice, even if it made it easier for Akane-senpai to cover herself and prevented her clothes from being destroyed. But she should have asked first, you didn't just strip someone like Akane-senpai like that without asking first. It was wrong, you didn't just do things to the emperor did you? Or that lazy king back at the castle, even if he might deserve it for trying to steal Akane-senpai from her.

[AmberVael]

Akane smiled at Patch and brushed off her clothing instinctively, the summoned star power that made up her armor fading away as it no longer needs to protect her. She looked herself over to make sure everything was alright, then found herself satisfied.
"Thank you! That will save me a lot of trouble."
The warrior reached her arms out to give Patch a quick and friendly hug before bouncing over to the door and Johnny to help him open it.

[Tengu]

Patchouli succesfully identifies the weapon, that you don't remember any of the ogres using or even carrying before you looted it, as a Rapier +1.

When Johnny approaches the door, it suddenly opens abruptly on its own, the piece of paper getting loose and flying away somewhere. Behind it stands an old, thin man with a very long beard and hair, dressed in rags and with a baseball cap of unidentified colour on his head, BONE IN YOUR DELICIOUS FISH SOUP written on it.
"Hello? Who are ya? Ah, let me guess, kid Ju send ya! Very good, I have an outhouse that needs cleaning - didn't do that for years, y'see. It's behind, hard to miss. Make sure everything shines!"

He shuts the door, only to open them a second later.
"One more thing! Lots of my food's been missin' lately - as if someone was stealin' it. Especially my prized collector's edition Cheddar cheesewheel's gone! Tell me if ya find any clue about that, okay?"
Without waiting for an answer he closes the door again.

[Azerian Kelimon]

Dibs on looking for the cheesewheel if the outhouse cleaning is messy! Johnny says, beating everyone else to the punch. Thanks for dealing with the rest of the job, guys, he says, as he turns around to take a look at that outhouse.

[ExHunterEmerald]

Patchy's a little surprised by the hug, and stiffens at the sudden personal contact, but doesn't get too into it please don't kill me in my sleep, Yuri. Perhaps mercifully, between that and the being at the back of the line, she doesn't hear the "noble quest" they've been given. And avoids an inevitable arson and aggravated assault with a deadly spellbook charge. When Johnny returns, she holds up the rapier.

"This is a simple magical weapon, designed to cut both quicker and with greater precision. What did this Ole Dingo want from us, anyway?"

[Terraoblivion]

It should have been her who got hugged by Akane-senpai! Granted Patchouli had actually done something for her, but how did that matter? It was just Akane-senpai showing the goodness of her heart and appreciation of the help she had been given, she was certain of it. And it was Akane-senpai so she was of course such a good person that she would do such a thing to show her appreciation. That was the only possible answer.

Patchouli's question did raise something important for her to consider. What was it that they were supposed to do? "Did anybody but Johnny hear what we were supposed to do? He has run away so we cannot ask him...It must be something horrible..." Her voice trailed off as she started imagining the terrors and how Akane-senpai would protect her and she would show her worth to Akane-senpai and things went on along that track for quite a bit, until it was barely recognizable as relating to the original topic and certainly not something to say in public, at least not something in a PG-13 rated environment.

[AmberVael]

Akane tapped her pointer fingers together and stared at the closed door in dismay as she thought about the tasks. What kind of adventure was this? She wasn't an errand girl, and no one else in the group had time for something like that either! How rude of them to expect them to clean an outhouse of all things! Akane put her hands on her hips and glared at the door, determined to give that man a piece of her mind next time she got the chance... if she got a chance. No, she'd get one, and she'd use it, or her name wasn't Akane!
...which... she's not actually sure it is. Amnesia and all. With a sigh she turned to the others and hung her head.
"Ole Dingo wants us to find his food... and clean the outhouse."

[Azerian Kelimon]

We're really neck deep in...no, best to not think about it. The others aren't going to believe it. Well...I'd better go and face the bullets now, young Mr. Blade thinks as he walks toward the outhouse, suddenly deciding to return and tell everyone of the task, in a display of strange hormonalish mood switching. Preparing an odd tune to soften the blow, he walks back with big marching steps.

Interesting news, my band of fellow Hercules'! We are faced with two tasks: Like with Augias' task, clean out an outhouse that hasn't been cleaned in years, or find a food thief, who stole a Cheddar Cheesewheel!

As I said, if the outhouse cleaning is messy, I claim dibs on searching for the wheel.

[Terraoblivion]

He wanted them to do what? They were the redshirts, whatever that meant, they were important agents of the king, even if he was a womanizing fool out to steal her Akane-senpai from her. What they weren't was toilet cleaners, she had done well in school. She was on her way to college before she ran away to find Akane-senpai. She was going to have a proper future and now some old man in the woods wanted her to clean his toilet. As if she was a common part-time worker. And what was he thinking putting Akane-senpai through this? How could he?

"If...if i may. I think Patchouli, me and Akane-senpai should join Johnny in looking for the cheese while the rest of you handle the outhouse. I think that it is part of the humility your emperor talks about Lemon and i am not sure, but i think robots are built to do menial labor. So it should fit you." She beamed at her own ingenuity, she had just explained why Akane-senpai could avoid that dirty task while at the same time ensuring that she would not head off alone with Johnny, there was no telling what he might do to her. She even avoided getting burned by Patchouli, it seemed perfect for her to do to. To think it would be that easy to get things to work properly.

[ExHunterEmerald]

"Clean th--"

A glint that can only mean murder blazes in Patchouli's violet eyes. Her spellbook rises up and floats before her, flipping through pages wildly as she slowly gathers flame to her hand.

Fire is a rather good cleansing agent, they say..."

[Azerian Kelimon]

Unsheathing his massive sword, and shoving double entendres aside, Johnny screams. NO! Bad girl! We're not going to do that!

Flush him out first! I wanna join in the fun too!

Getting a good hearty laugh out, he then says: But you just had a brilliant idea. Go there and burn down that outhouse. If it doesn't exist anymore, we can count it as cleaned.

[NEO|Phyte]

Ultair has been following the group in silence. Some people are simply FAR too talkative, how is someone expected to not walk straight into an ambush like this? The silent ones were a mixed bag, one seemed too busy staring at her fellow female party members to be of use, while the other actually appeared to be of a more useful sort, willing to skip straight to violence. Always a good thing, in Ultair's mind.
"So, our options are to either burn the meatbag's bodily waste or directly interect with it? What are we waiting for, use the fire already!"

[Oslecamo]

Ah, seting things on fire...Is there any problem it can't solve?

For a moment memories flood his mind. Burning alien witches, sisters of battle sweating as they shot their flamers upon masses of heretics, calling down orbital bombardments, observing exterminatus from the safety of his battleship...Yes, fire was always a good answer when in doubt.

Lemon then takes out a torch from his backpack, lights it, and bravely advances towards the outhouse, using the torch to ignite whatever parts of the building seem more flamable. Once he's sure everything is burning properly, he retreats and joins the rest of the party.

Cleansing is in progress, brothers and sisters. Now, I think we also were ordered to find the foul thief of the sacred cheese. AND BY THE EMPEROR'S HOLY SNACK, WE SHALL FIND IT!

[Tengu]

The smelly, but otherwise nondescript outhouse, the inside of which you luckily didn't have to see, burns easily. With a slightly bluish flame. And then explodes. Everyone who doesn't manage to duck quickly gets 1d6 fire damage from flaming poo.

Attack: (1d20+4)[10] vs everyone's Reflex
Damage: (6d6)[6][1][3][4][6][3](23)
(Hmm, seems that everyone managed to avoid it.)

But congratulations on a job well done! You all get 17 experience points for finishing this minor quest.

Remember to roll on something if you want to go around, looking for clues.

[Oslecamo]

Satisfied with a job well done, Lemon Russ proceeds to search focr clues.

Spoiler

Show

Perception check right?
(1d20+3)[21]

[Tengu]

Lemon finds a clue! There are some footprints around, leading from the outhouse to the shack and forth - it's hard to tell their age, but they are not super-recent judging by the state they are in. It seems that whomever left them had his feet covered in some (cough cough) brown substance, and... these feet don't look very human. More like a three-toed paw.

[Oslecamo]

Brothers and sisters, I found the tracks of the holy cheese robbers! Come here so we may track them togheter!


With that, Lemon proceeds to check his memory to see if he knows any creature with that kind of footprint.

Spoiler

Show

Knowledge checks:

Dungeonering
(1d20+3)[23]
Religion
(1d20+4)[24]

Nature:
(1d20+8)[18]

[AmberVael]

"I don't think it is actually holy cheese, Russ... he didn't say anything about that at all. Just that people had been stealing his food and he wanted it back."
Akaned pouted, still feeling slighted by this less than important assignment. She crossed her arms and stood where she was, not at all certain she wanted in on this. This is NOT why she had joined a group at all- she had expected to work their way up, but not quite from so far down. This was just insulting, not a humble beginning. Who on earth sent heroes to find their food? With a 'humph' she tossed her hair and turned her cheek.
"I'm not even sure we should be doing this assignment. Is this what you all signed up for? To clean outhouses and to do chores for a ragged, smelly old man?"

[Tengu]

The prints belong to a two-legged, mammal creature roughly of human size. It might be a gnoll, some sort of a goblinoid, maybe a lycanthrope. Or something else, but similar.

[Oslecamo]

Sister Akane, if someone dares to steal one of the king's trusted advisors, you say that everything is all right?

NO! Someone is mocking of us! Swift and brutal justice must be brought to those who dare to offend the king in this way. WE WILL GO FIND THE HOLY CHEESE, WE WILL END THE EXISTANCE OF THOSE WHO DARED TO STEAL IT OR WE'LL DIE TRYING!

The footprints seem to belong to some fould humanoid mutant scum. I say we follow them and slay them all to the last for their insolence.


On the other hand, there can't always be some dark crusade or alien invasion for us to bath in glory. If this is the gravest problem the kingdom currently has, well, then we are indeed the right people to do it.

[Azerian Kelimon]

I'm not so worried, myself. There are jobs that are FAR worse, and we don't have to stand a tyrannical boss, unless I count as one. and right now, the warlord says, we might be doing the job we all signed up for, so I'm not going to raise a complaint.

Then, he starts following the footprints, trying to find some sort of lair.

[Tengu]

The footprints lead from the outhouse to the shack's shaky window (you can see Ole Dingo eating an onion inside), and then back. That's all, you are perfectly sure that this creature didn't leave steps anywhere else.

[Azerian Kelimon]

Knocking at the door until Dingo opens it up, Johnny speaks. Mr. Dingo, through careful* analysis of the clues we have found, we have ascertained you ate the Cheesewheel while you were sleeping or while you were transformed into a lycanthrope. Should we go inform King Julius of this so that he may find a new cheesewheel?

*Rash.