Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Some Poems

  1. - Top - End - #1
    Pixie in the Playground
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Netherlands

    Default Some Poems

    I'm not much of a poet, but here are some recent ones of mine. The first three are ones I wrote while on a plane returning from Ireland this past summer... My ex and I had a sort of argument before I left, so of course I had that on my mind coming back. The fourth is one I wrote for AP Literature, and the last three... Well I think they speak for themselves.:

    "You"
    I kill time, you kill dreams
    Spades of kings and rainbow rings
    Serenaded flings this lady sings
    I wonder why you'd do these things
    I'm disappointed in you



    "Dark Heart"
    Go on, hold your grudge
    I showed you nothing but love



    "Don't Look Back Now"
    Fading slowly life's a dream
    Crush the fallen fruit beneath your feet
    There's nothing left for you to dwell on
    There are better days for you

    ---

    "To Living"
    How wondrous is the opening of eyes to the eternal sunshine that is our lives
    The sweet sweet smell that rings the bells of memories long since past
    It is so easy to not recall what small steps have been taken to get to this all

    The sadness escapes you as the wind blows beneath you, as if it lifts you high
    High into the breeze with the trees beneath your knees and the clouds within your reach
    What cause is this? What sad crisp thoughts were dismissed to bring this bliss?

    These laughing eyes bring you to cry with the realization this was all here already
    Nowhere did it state you must not take life for granted but instead instate awareness
    Yet you still wonder why no one blundered and told you this secret to happiness

    Life is the unexpected, itís undetected until the right directive leads to its finding
    The order is that there is no order, no patterns or borders to outline the life we lead
    You ask for instruction but it leads to destruction of the path you should lead, your own

    What inane purpose did they tell you to claim? Is it fame that leads you to this frame of mind?
    So much beauty in so much space itís not a race to receive the grace of dramatic fakes
    If you are to become human, have a heart thatís quick to start loving no matter the part it plays

    Creation is the key to elation, the vibrations that pulsate through the veins of the earth
    Cannot be compared with those who crave only to get slaves for mundane service
    You must make your own resource, not force the course of history to another plane

    So much disclosure in a small enclosure the mind is a wondrous thing
    And all that is mated to be reinstated in this world so frustrated must come from within
    For only your soul can realize its role that each living thing plays on this small sad stage

    So open your eyes.

    ---

    "Wallflower"
    Stand and wait---
    Am I listed in your diary
    Somewhere in that super-secret world
    Can I know what my place is

    Watch and learn---
    This wall and I are inseperable
    And like a flower I stand still
    Only to be moved by the winds of your breath

    Ask and tell---
    There's no form or rhyme to this
    No courage to put myself out there
    You take the wind from beneath my wings



    "Whatever"
    No that's quite all right
    It's fine, no, she's cool
    I mean, if you like those types---
    Oh, nothing, I meant nothing
    It's nothing
    Whatever

    I was a fool for---
    Oh, nothing, it's nothing at all
    No, that's all right
    Dreams can't last forever
    It's nothing
    Whatever

    I'm just saying, she's awfully---
    I mean immature, mentally
    I thought you were different
    But hey, we all make mistakes, right?
    It's nothing
    Whatever

    Just ignore me, I'm babbling
    What? Jealous? Me? Don't make me laugh
    What does she have that I don't?
    Oh, that's right, she's got yo---
    It's nothing
    Whatever



    "Mismatched"
    I hate
    the fact
    you're with her
    and not me
    It makes it harder that we get along
    I have to turn away
    I can't watch her fawn over you
    You two just look so wrong
    Misplaced
    A mismatch made in hell
    You don't look happy with her
    But she's beside herself with joy

    I wish she was beside herself
    Maybe then I'd be beside you

    ---

    Comments. Now. =D

    ~Crystal

    Mercury - A place to chill

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Hoopy Frood in the Playground Moderator
     
    Vaynor's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    California
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Some Poems

    Nice poems. I really liked them.
    ďAs I helped him up, I felt him shake all over,
    so I asked him to forgive me, without knowing what for,
    but that was my lot, asking forgiveness, I even asked forgiveness
    of myself for being what I was, what it was my nature to be.Ē
    ~Bohumil Hrabal~

    My Homebrew (Most Recent) | Forum Rules
    /veɪnoɚ/

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Mattaeu's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    The Misunderstood SLC

    Default Re: Some Poems

    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal_Shards
    "You"
    I kill time, you kill dreams
    Spades of kings and rainbow rings,
    Serenaded flings this lady sings
    I wonder why you'd do these things
    I'm disappointed in youqqwhat?? And I just got through expecting -ings? Why would you do this to me?

    Actually, I think it would be better if you had something, anywhere inside that was a very good rhyme with 'you'; at the very least it would prep the reader to not be so distracted, and miss the point.
    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal_Shards
    "Dark Heart"
    Go on, hold your grudge
    I showed you nothing but love
    Nothing I would change. Cept the title, you can do better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal_Shards
    "Don't Look Back Now"
    Fading slowly life's a dream
    Crush the fallen fruit beneath your feet
    There's nothing left for you to dwell on
    There are better days for you
    I was about to say, end stop it already, but for this one no punctuation works for how short it is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal_Shards
    "To Living"
    How wondrous is the opening of eyes to the eternal sunshine that is our lives -good first line
    The sweet sweet:O, means great. smell that rings the bells of memories long since past
    It is so easy to not recall what small steps have been taken to get to this all This line stumbles with so many to's; would work better if tweaked.

    The sadness escapes you as the wind blows beneath you, as if it lifts you high
    High into the breeze with the trees beneath your knees and the clouds within your reach
    What cause is this? What sad crisp thoughts were dismissed to bring this bliss? I'd rather see fewer rhymes in the second line, and to end rhymes between the first and second; as a whole, that would tie it together a little more nicely.

    These laughing eyes bring you to cry with the realization this was all here already <--great slant rhyme
    Nowhere did it state you must not take life for granted but instead instate (huh?) awareness
    Yet you still wonder why no one blundered and told you this secret to happiness

    Life is the unexpected, itís undetected until the right directive leads to its finding
    The order is that there is no order, no patterns or borders to outline the life we lead
    You ask for instruction but it leads to destruction of the path you should lead, your own...:-/ 'own'? while I would hate for you to end with 'should lead', 'your own' just doesn't do anything for me. :(

    What inane purpose did they tell you to claim? Is it fame that leads you to this frame of mind?
    So much beauty in so much space itís not a race to receive the grace of dramatic fakes
    If you are to become human, have a heart thatís quick to start loving no matter the part it plays alone in it's superiority to your other stanzas. :)

    Creation is the key to elation, the vibrations that pulsate through the veins of the earth
    Cannot be compared with those who crave only to get slaves for mundane service again, not quite the word I think you want
    You must make your own resource, not force the course of history to another plane

    So much disclosure in a small enclosure the mind is a wondrous thing
    And all that is mated to be reinstated in this world so frustrated must come from within
    For only your soul can realize its role that each living thing plays on this small sad stage Added line break

    So open your eyes.
    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal_Shards
    "Wallflower"
    Stand and wait---
    Am I listed in your diary
    Somewhere in that super-secret world
    Can I know what my place is

    Watch and learn---
    This wall and I are inseperable
    And like a flower I stand still
    Only to be moved by the winds of your breath

    Ask and tell---
    There's no form or rhyme to this
    No courage to put myself out there
    You take the wind from beneath my wings Noo! All of you other lines are so much yours, don't succumb to lay phrases. Please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal_Shards
    "Whatever"
    No that's quite all right
    It's fine, no, she's cool
    I mean, if you like those types---
    Oh, nothing, I meant nothing
    It's nothing
    Whatever

    I was a fool for---
    Oh, nothing, it's nothing at all
    No, that's all right
    Dreams can't last forever
    It's nothing
    Whatever

    I'm just saying, she's awfully---
    I mean immature, mentally
    I thought you were different
    But hey, we all make mistakes, right?
    It's nothing Your prior lines do not make these last two seem anything but a return to a phrase.
    Whatever

    Just ignore me, I'm babbling
    What? Jealous? Me? Don't make me laugh
    What does she have that I don't?
    Oh, that's right, she's got yo---
    It's nothing
    Whatever

    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal_Shards
    "Mismatched"
    I hate
    the fact
    you're with her
    and not me
    It makes it harder that we get along
    I have to turn away
    I can't watch her fawn over you
    You two just look so wrong
    Misplaced
    A mismatch made in hell
    You don't look happy with her
    But she's beside herself with joy

    I wish she was beside herself
    Maybe then I'd be beside you

    haha, Excellent ending.
    I hope these comments are fine. I think that you have a nice command of short lines, but with your longer phrases, they just get broken down into those shorter lines.

    I would recommend playing with very strict formal settings(sonnet{all forms}, haiku, villanelle{hard as hell}, &c. They are restrictive but they give you a place to go; doing free verse after torturing yourself with these will make the intangible expanse all the more containable, and connected while appearing wild.

    But in all cases, write more. :)
    Mercy is the mark of a great man.
    *stab*
    Guess I'm just a good man.
    *stab*
    Well, I'm alright.

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Pixie in the Playground
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Netherlands

    Default Re: Some Poems

    You were right about the line break; that was supposed to be added in but I forgot it.

    I do free verse mostly, and as you can tell the one longer poem was somewhat restrictive in itself because it had to be 300 words or more and in response to another poem or whatever it was I responded to. I am more of a respond-to-life type of person, and I hate word limits because as I hope you see, I get my point across better with less words.

    Though, thank you for the comments. I'll keep attempting "fitted poems" (that's what I call them anyway) in mind for my next batch.

    In the meantime, here's another short poem. Not my favorite, but... It's a poem.:

    "Dad"
    Please tell me you've opened your eyes
    And that these lies no longer appeal to you
    And that it's true you believe in me
    If you could only see the way I looked up once

    ~Crystal

    Mercury - A place to chill

  5. - Top - End - #5
    Pixie in the Playground
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Netherlands

    Default Re: Some Poems

    I apologize deeply for double posting, but I have a new poem.

    ---

    "Ex"
    Go ahead
    Dive a little deeper
    Sometimes I wish you'd die
    Just so you'd realize
    That I'm not the only one you hurt
    When you grab another bottle

    Well go on then
    Go a little harder
    Push yourself to the limit
    Try to take your life with it
    I wish I weren't afraid
    Of every time you said goodbye

    Just do it
    Cause all that trouble
    I know you want the spotlight
    I know you have your head right
    Just stop the pain
    You're not my problem anymore.

    ---

    ~Crystal

    Mercury - A place to chill

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McDeath's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Avalon

    Default Re: Some Poems

    That's why the Lord God created the "Edit" function. ;D Nice poems there, good writing. I do a little, so I know how hard it is to get the words right. My favorite is "You".

    I am a Christian, so don't take my comment the wrong way. If you think I'm being paranoid, well, maybe you're right!
    [This signature still in committee.]

  7. - Top - End - #7
    Pixie in the Playground
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Netherlands

    Default Re: Some Poems

    Normally the rule for updating an art thread is that you're allowed to double post once you have an update after 24 hours. ; )

    ~Crystal

    Mercury - A place to chill

  8. - Top - End - #8
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Were-Sandwich's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    England

    Default Re: Some Poems

    Quote Originally Posted by Mattaeu


    I hope these comments are fine. I think that you have a nice command of short lines, but with your longer phrases, they just get broken down into those shorter lines.

    I would recommend playing with very strict formal settings(sonnet{all forms}, haiku, villanelle{hard as hell}, &c. They are restrictive but they give you a place to go; doing free verse after torturing yourself with these will make the intangible expanse all the more containable, and connected while appearing wild.

    But in all cases, write more. :)
    Are you by any chance an english teacher?
    Quote Originally Posted by Count Chumleigh View Post
    Oh.
    Oh, my.
    You just earned seventeen cool points by my reckoning. And I'm so sigging that.
    Cheers,
    --Count Chumleigh

  9. - Top - End - #9
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Mattaeu's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    The Misunderstood SLC

    Default Re: Some Poems

    :D

    Nope. But I am working on an English degree, and write and/or read poetry nearly everyday; it's an addiction. :P

    @Crystal/anyone that posts some: Just tell me if you want comments/critique. I'll try them out and give you an honest reply. :)
    Mercy is the mark of a great man.
    *stab*
    Guess I'm just a good man.
    *stab*
    Well, I'm alright.

  10. - Top - End - #10
    Pixie in the Playground
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Netherlands

    Default Re: Some Poems

    Quote Originally Posted by Mattaeu
    :D

    Nope. But I am working on an English degree, and write and/or read poetry nearly everyday; it's an addiction. :P

    @Crystal/anyone that posts some: Just tell me if you want comments/critique. I'll try them out and give you an honest reply. :)
    Yay, another English degree!

    I'd like anyone who has any sort of comment to reply, good or bad. =)

    ~Crystal

    Mercury - A place to chill

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •