Could you help.

[Gri]

This isnt very funny. Or well told. But that's what I need you for. I basically feel that I kinda failed with this mini comic - but that doesnt mean I can't gain some learnin' from it :)

If you dont understand what is going on, PLEASE do tell me how to improve my storytelling skills. Thanks.
Gri.
PS: There is no political message what so ever. Trust me on that :D

[LoopyZebra]

There's no mini-comic to be seen, perhaps you posted it wrong?

[Gri]

Hmm, maybe hotlink from deviant art doesnt work. I posted it then looked - it was there. Sometime later it dissapeared. I refreshed the post. It came back, now its gone again.
How very strange. ???
Thanks for checking the thread anyways.

[Vaynor]

Hmm, maybe just try linking it. :D

[Brickwall]

Link to your regular DA page. It'll work easier.

[Gri]

Hehe, ofcourse. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best. I'm such an idiot :D

here is the link
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/38787351/

[Sneak]

I can't really read the stuff at the bottom. All I can see is "Hmm, in retrospect [something] comic was a bad idea..." and "Class, look at Erin and feel shame."

[LoopyZebra]

Actually, the comic was kind of funny... Paticularly liked the Russian bear. I assume the crayon part isn't your best, but the art in the corner is good. The comic reminded me of the time one of my classmates submitted a summary of the plot of Halo for a book report...

Actually, I understood what had happened classroomwise, although I have no clue about the events of the war, other than somepeople with gasmasks kicked a flag and shot a bear. The classroom part was easy to understand after seeing the F in on the side, but it was kinda easy to miss.

[Shazzbaa]

If you full-view the picture, it's easy to read.

Heh, I got it. The last line (look and feel shame!)made me smile.

I think it would help if I didn't feel completely lost in the first part -- as it is, the writing is sloppy and the drawings are sloppy, so it just feels like a lot of incomprehensible nonsense. If I could get the gist of what was going on better, then my mind would be trying to figure out why this was happening, instead of skipping ahead to figure out what the heck was going on, and the end/punchline (where you realize why the doodles are there in the first place) would have more impact and be more humourous, methinks.

So I guess my advice is, go ahead and draw the war out pretty fully. Don't need to go into full detail, but the sloppy style isn't needed -- a war going happening in six easy steps is bizarre enough without the style difference.

Just my two cents. :3

[hyikim]

i must be missing something, is that kid in the future or predicting it?

[Vaynor]

i must be missing something, is that kid in the future or predicting it?

I believe it's a comic set in the future, or just made too out any political content.

[Brickwall]

1. Spelling and word usage are your friends. Spelling 'imbecile' wrong is already so many degrees of hilarious in the bad way.
2. Clarity of intent is also your friend. The question asked, or maybe better work on the comic in question, could carry the message across to the reader more easily.

In any comic, separation of significant objects is useful. Thus, the drawings need to be distinct from one another. Helps people understand the thing.

[Gri]

Yes it is set in the future.

Edit: Zebra>>Wooops missed your post :((
Thanks a lot. I think you are right - I made the crude art a bit too crude and hard to understand. ^^; Also: haha, what did the teacher say to your friend?

The Illustrious Shazzbaa>> Thanks a lot for your critique; I think it will help me a lot in the future(and ofcourse when I am going to fix this comic). It's always a great pleasure when someone takes their time to help you in such a manner. :D

Brickwall>> I also thank you for your critique. Very helpful too - especially the 2. point. I actually did correct the grammar in this comic, but before I saved my computer crashed, and I forgot to do it again. I would prefer a less derogatory tone next time though. (I apologize if you didnt mean it in a derogatory way, but that's how I see it when people use the "this and that is your friend" expression)

Once again thanks all
much <3