Funny D&D Stories

[Paul H]

Hi

Ever seen a group of Qadiran Halflings riding a Howdah on top of a Camel?

Check out the Paizo site for PaizoCon last weekend at Birmingham (UK). You'll see the piccies there.......

Cheers
Paul H

[Meirnon]

Hi

Ever seen a group of Qadiran Halflings riding a Howdah on top of a Camel?

Check out the Paizo site for PaizoCon last weekend at Birmingham (UK). You'll see the piccies there.......

Cheers
Paul H

Link the piccy or put it in spoilers if you're gonna do that. Otherwise it's halfway to spamming.

[DontEatRawHagis]

And on the other end, of crit missing on attacks, its annoying when people think that something has to happen every time somebody rolls a 1, like "oh you throw your sword overboard". That's also ridiculous to think 1 out of every 20 times you do something that you are going to fail miserably

Going back quite far, because I am on page 7 of this thread, currently. The person that runs my Spycraft games is not like this with crits. When you fail critically you immediatly go to FLATFOOTED with a melee weapon or you gun jams. Not sure about DnD but Flatfooted makes your character vulnerable to certain attacks.

As far as me, in my Spycraft campaign we were assigned to take out a group of terrorists who plan on setting off an EMP superweapon that will destroy all technology in the US.

The Team:
Me: A Hacker/Inventor who creates useless gadgets and hacks into government databases within a week.
J: Our Soldier/Triggerman who is known for never running from a fight(this comes into play later).
G: Our Wheelman who was never around but for some reason was always sent to lie to people even though his Charisma and bluff were nill.
Later on three more people came:
C: Our intruder/raptor who did a lot of sneaking, but didn't get much chance to do so, due to J.
B: Our Sniper who was successful in being the only person who never moved. The DM hated him for choosing sniper, because we had a lot of driving sequences where he couldn't use his rifle.(One point he hired a taxi to drive him around while he sniped)
Shinobi: Our Faceman who was more of a martial artist than a person meant to lie.

So we had just gotten word that one of the Terrorist leaders wanted to defect to our side and help us disarm the super weapon. He is waiting for us at a tavern. So we decide that we are going to send J, G and Shinobi into the tavern dressed as Cops so we could extract the Defecty without raising suspicion. B decides to set up camp across the street, while C and I sneak into the basement to turn off the power if things go south.

Shinobi decides that since he has a sword that he will defend the entrance while J and G go to bluff the Defecty to come with them. The thing is though that J and G dont have good bluff so G decides to intimidate him to come with them. He rolls a crit 1. The Defecty thinks that they are actual cops and yells for help. G then takes out pepper spray and sprays it right into the guys mouth.

Everyone in the tavern stands up all of them have acid burns on their right hand, they are part of the Terrorist organization. Shinobi realizes that the blinds are closed so our sniper is firing blind. Apparently there are 140 guys in the pub btw. So Shinobi uses his gun to shot the blind down.

20 Crit, the blind falls right on top of one of the guys, knocking him out 139 to go.

While this is happening C and me are in the basement.

Me: I search the basement(good roll)
DM: You find only kegs and beer bottles.
Me: Are there any wine bottles?
DM: ...Yeah?
Me: I steal a wine bottle.
DM: Okay...
Me: What vintage is it?
DM(a little pissed off): You dont know it doesnt have a label.

After finding out that our group is in a fight and that the fuse box isnt down stairs we do some searching.

C: Is their anything distict about this basement.
DM: Roll a search.
C: (rolls high)
DM: You notice that there is one wooden support beam in the middle of the room and that the ceiling is made of wood.
Me: I know lets blow up these kegs and collapse the floor.
DM: What!?
Me: You heard me. We stack up all the kegs around the support beam.

We setup everything perfectly. And wait for everyone to get out.

Right now our Triggerman J is in the middle of the room and has just killed two more men. He had been saying that he was invincible due to his armor DC being so high. Seriously about three groups of six guys couldnt penetrate. The DM then remembers something called CALLED SHOT TO THE HEAD.

DM: These guys all make Called Shots to your Head, J.
J: You can't do that!
DM: Yes I can. Your Armor is impervious to attacks so what are they going to aim for your unarmored head.

After one round he gets down to 7 out of 89 hit points. G is still struggling with the Defecty, until he tells the guy that they were the ones who he sent for. He said, "Why didn't you say so in the first place?!" They run out the back. So Shinobi runs out the front as well leaving J in the middle of the room, nearly dead.

I say **** it and set off the explosion. Apparently there was some fire started too because the entire floor collapses and J uses a turnout coat to survive the fire damage.

DM: Okay so you survive the fall and every one of the enemies are injured or dead.
J: Okay I search for the guys who are still alive.
DM: Why?
J: To kill them.
DM: Their all incapacited what are they going to do?
J: They saw my face they have to die.
DM: Okay, no J. They all died.

Later on.
DM: Okay so how many did everyone kill.
Shinobi: I incapacitated one with a blind.
J: I killed two with my guns.
Me and C: We killed 137 with Beer!

Fun thing is, the DM gave us the XP for it too.

[Harris the Ford]

The players :
Tyrius blackstone - me, paladin of tyranny / doomlord / cavalier
Kal Waters - rogue master thrower invisible blade with lycanthropy.


So we are both level 15 and have been sent on a mission to kill and turn as many people undead as possible by toldoth. Yes its a pretty wicked campaign and both our characters qualify for bbeg in any other campaign! But anyways, we see a hooded figure riding atop a corpse collector sifting through bodies of a town we had recently destroyed. Our bbeg is this epic necromancre woman and this person totally fit the bill. Our dm was expecting a skirmish or for us to run away but I had a better idea.

Me: I roll a diplomacy
Dm: what?
Me: yeah, I got 47 (dm had given me a bunch of loot tha boosted diplomacy checks, we are rather spoiled)
Dm: but, she hates you, she wants to fight you.
Me: whatever, I'm using a skill as described in the phb to increase her disposition. IC "greetings friend, a fine day to be pilfering souls of the dead, is it not!"
Dm: *looks at skill table* well with that check she is friendly, but screw that, shes indifferent.

He was so pissed that I persuaded his bbeg to like us he just made her teleport away and I killed her corpse collector pet.

[Flame of Anor]

Not sure about DnD but Flatfooted makes your character vulnerable to certain attacks.

As far as me, in my Spycraft campaign we were assigned to take out a group of terrorists who plan on setting off an EMP superweapon that will destroy all technology in the US.

Awesome story!

I'm not sure EMP works quite like that, though. And being flatfooted is a similar disadvantage in D&D--mostly it's sneak attacks you're vulnerable to.

IC "greetings friend, a fine day to be pilfering souls of the dead, is it not!"

nice.

[Flame of Anor]

Okay, here's my funny story.

Our party is going into a forest, because there are rumors that it's haunted. It's quickly turning out that it's not haunted, just infested with evil plant creatures. But anyway, this evil gnome guy showed up and declared that he was The Deplorax! Then he set his flying fiendish tendriculos on us and flew away on his dire bat. I tried to chase him but my polymorph took enough time that he got away. Anyway, it's later in the adventure, and we're at the final encounter: the huge evil treant is about to sacrifice the unicorn, as we're being attacked on all sides by more treants and animated trees. I won't bore you with the details of the fight, but as we were fighting the trees, this bear showed up in a tree. We were like, Okay...bear in a tree... but then the bear started dropping flame strikes on us! Well, the (famously deadly) ranger was having none of that, so she fired three flaming arrows into the bear, and down it dropped, dead...and turned into The Deplorax! Sweet, we killed the villain! But what makes it funnier is that the DM had intended The Deplorax to be a recurring villain. Ah well...I can't say I'm sad about killing off a recurring villain. They have nasty habits of having escape plans, but my wizard has a resilient sphere all ready for the next one.

edit: oh, sorry for double post

[koscum]

Did you get your DM drunk or did you just play while he was taking a vacation?

GBD has a CR of 20+. He kills your party by looking at it the wrong way. I mean I give my party some hard encounters, but this is imposible even by my standards and I DO kill my players (and they kill themselves)...

They would only get away with it by me not knowing, if they had an urge to play without a DM. They most certainly would not get the 316600 group exp for killing the damn thing. Not to mention the treasure...

DMG does not even offer rewards for this kind of encounter. I made the exp table because there is an obvious progresion and I give hard encounters as said, but this is ludicrous...

Regards!

Some even kill their "immortal" characters

I made one of my chars immortal (he dies, he is auto raised, if no lvls and no CON he comes back as a deathless) because he is the plot (it's all about him).

The player playing him killed him in 35 min OOG time. The only valid way possible. I didn't even consider it, I thought nobody would be that stupid. HE WAS...

To have a holy warrior/mage rape people with Evard's Black Tentacles, just sick?!
He went eBil and thus was smitten... Since his deity now doesn't want to have anything to do with the dude - no more raises.

I know you will read this: YOU ARE AN _________.

Regards!

Hey, she was the one who got me drunk, raped me and then threw me out naked in the hallway. It never occurred me that BToV would be that.... ahem... invasive. Oh well, she promised she'll give me plenty of atonement/redemption quests, but it's gonna be PITA to get one the good side with the deity/plane/whatever. Pelor's everywhere.

Answer: I can't decide between Ass, Jerk, Moron, Idiot and Thog () or any combination of them.

[The Glyphstone]

Our session last week had a Goliath Swordsage (me), a Warforged Scout Rogue, a Gnome Sorcerer, a Human Fighter, and a (homebrew LA 0) Satyr trying to sneak onto the city docks to a dockhouse owned by a merchant, which we were going to sabotage and vandalize on behalf of a rival merchant. We're heading down the docks when we see a couple of guards ahead, and Hide checks are rolled.

1,1,4,3,and 16. I got the 16.

The 7'6" bruiser is the only one of the party to not be spotted...so we spontaneously decide that he pulled a Solid Snake, grabbing an nearby empty crate, smashing the bottom out of it, and hiding underneath. The guards were brutally murdered, but I made it almost all the way to the end of the docks by sneaking along underneath my crate.

Later, the DM tried to retcon and say I was actually running along and dodging behind different crates. I wouldn't let him.

[Flame of Anor]

Later, the DM tried to retcon and say I was actually running along and dodging behind different crates. I wouldn't let him.

Good on ya, mate!


...as I believe the saying goes...

[DontEatRawHagis]

Additional: The Wine I used to celebrate my 137 kills.

Decided I would post what happened on the last Mission of our Spycraft Campaign:

The Team:
Me: A Hacker/Inventor who creates useless gadgets and hacks into government databases within a week.
J: Our Soldier/Triggerman who is known for never running from a fight(this comes into play later).
G: Our Wheelman who was never around but for some reason was always sent to lie to people even though his Charisma and bluff were nill.
Later on three more people came:
C: Our intruder/raptor who did a lot of sneaking, but didn't get much chance to do so, due to J.
B: Our Sniper who was successful in being the only person who never moved. The DM hated him for choosing sniper, because we had a lot of driving sequences where he couldn't use his rifle.(One point he hired a taxi to drive him around while he sniped)
Shinobi: Our Faceman who was more of a martial artist than a person meant to lie.

So Shinobi is a 3D designer and created three things for us in 3Ds Max. Models of our Swat Vehichle modified with two suicide doors and the back opens up to allow for 180 degree gattling gun fire(Which is mounted inside the car), small helicopter drones with miniguns modified with secondary grenade launcher fire. Lastly he created an Airbase for us. It had two lifts to drop cars onto street level {Max of 3 Cars in Airbase}, a sniper nest, a computer lab for me, and a grappling claw that would allow for the computer to hard line into the building(Direct access cuts hacking to about 1 min from 2 days). Also a howitzer missles capable of leveling a city. Pretty cool stuff for a group of level 5s out of a possible 20.

Last mission:
The leader of the terrorist group Jupiter decides that after his hacker and scientist left to join us that he would set off the EMP device. He broadcasts the message and we trace it to the 80th floor of a skyscraper hotel. Note J and the DM are married and have been playing spycraft together for a long time.

The NPC's go in through the bottom while the rest of us go through the top. My character tries to hack into their security system but they ripped it out, mainly because they knew that their security would be compromised without another hacker in their group, I guess. So J, G, C and Shinobi decide to go into the elevator on the roof, B is being a sissy sniper and is on an adjacent building(in the entire campaign he never once was targeted let alone hit).

When they press the button on the elevator two of them hear a click, everyone dodges and J starts screaming at the DM.

J: "You made one TRAPMASTER!!"

I talked to the DM before about this. Apparently when they played before their Old DM got pissed off at J for jumping into situations without thinking so he made an Inventor to place traps on every single door. J was traumatized by it apparently.

The guys try to go to the 80th floor but realize that the floor is covered in claymores, to the point where it could take out the entire building. The top five floors are ballrooms so they start from floor 95 down to 90. As soon as J gets into 95 he sees two bartenders with pistols. He caps them both in the head with his duel pistols the room is filled with about 35 men. Remember those drones with miniguns I mentioned earlier, Shinobi and his NPC assistant take control of two and start mowing down the entire floor. Killing everyone.

Me: Can I use a drone? I'm not doing anything useful up here.
Shinobi: You need a proficiency in rotary vehicles to pilot it down.
Me: Its a drone, I'm a computer nerd. There is no way I wouldnt know how to use a keyboard to pilot a drone.
DM: Yeh you should be able to pilot it with computers.
Shinobi: Well than **** man join the fight.

Much to the DM's amusement I got to the 95th floor to start doing trap checks and see if we could get to the device. So I check the stair case door for traps and disarm an explosive that is attached to the door. The staircase is completely covered in traps, I decide that I go down the elevator to 80 to disarm the traps. After finding out that their over 50 trap checks to be made in a ****-ing broom closet I decide to use my drone to scout the building. No one is on the 80th floor. In fact no one is on any floor besides the top.

I figure that they tricked us to go to the wrong building or something. And decide that I should try and find how they are communication between floors. Apparently they communicate through Morse code on the pipes in the buildings. Nothing comes from this except that we now can talk to them. I say why dont we bluff and see if we can find out where the device is? Our best guy at bluffing does this and crit fails. The entire pipe goes silent.

Me: Damn their goes that plan.
DM: Its getting late do you guys want to call it a night and finish this next week?(It was passed eleven pm)
Everyone: No!
J: Lets intimidate them to give up.
DM and Me: What?!
Shinobi: Perfect.
J: IC-We have a stealth Airbase over head with enough fire power to level this building and everyone in it. Surrender or be destroyed. *Critical Success*
Everyone: Yes!
DM: Okay *rolls* half of the men in the building are demoralized and the other have are afraid of dieing.
J: Woot!
DM: Sadly Jupiter and the other leaders get scared and set off the EMP. You all fail the mission. Welcome to the Apocalypse.

She told me afterward that she just made up the whole communication through the pipes to just explain away how they talked between floors, we werent actually supposed to use them.

Sidenote: Our sniper got two kills that mission, HIS ONLY KILLS THE ENTIRE CAMPAIGN

[Dr.Epic]

My PCs had just defeated an umber hulk and were at the entrance to its cave. They had a previous mission before running into the beast so they decided not to search it. Anyway, inside the cave, was the corpse of the son of a major noble. They didn't find this out until cultist found the cave and demanded a ransom for the body.

[Dr paradox]

Story #5

This actually just happened on thursday.

The players are in the bowels of a slave run mine, and they've just found the slave quarters, big masonry area with cells that are absolutely packed, and strangely enough, the bars have no doors.

They peek into the room and, seeing one of those constructs, set an ambush, utterly pulverizing the thing. unfortunately, Protus "Hit them in the Jewels" Koyle announces their presence to the guards in the side room, who al troop out and began advancing on our heroes. one of them, the leader, is holding a sharp wooden spike to the jugular of (drumroll) an old aquaintance of the party, who went missing after their first adventure!

Protus: waitwaitwaitwait, surely we can come to some sort of agreement?

Leaderguy: Oh, but of course. you agree to hold still while we kill you, I agree not to add a few more holes to the old man's head.

Protus: there must be something we can offer you! money? protection?

Leaderguy: we work in a sodding GOLDMINE for the largest criminal organization on this half of the continent, what could we possbly want from you??

(group huddle. they review what they've got. some gold, some magic weapons, an incognito deva, and some really scary eyeballs. oh, right, and a few of their enemies have taken damage from their first round of resistance, plus the poison cloud the wizard cast should make its secondary attack in a few seconds. The party turns back to the table.)

Protus (clearing his throat): We have the antidote.

Leaderguy: the what?

Protus: to that cloud of deadly gas my friend here sprayed you with it's a rather deadly poison, I assure you. you have maybe 5 minutes to live, without this. (holds up his waterskin)

Leaderguy: I... I don't believe you!

(cloud makes it's secondary attack, he takes damage)

Leaderguy (coughing): Alrightalright! the geezer for the potion. make it quick!

(the trade almost goes through. the leaderguy's eyes narrow)

Leaderguy: wait. why aren't you feeding your friend the potion first? he's just as poisoned as the rest of us...

Protus: uh... we have a large supply of antidote.

(everyone holds up their waterskins)

Leaderguy: you have six gallons of antidote but no water?

Pealaeus (Wizard): uh, well, you see, it's actually a super magical energy drink tht enhances our strength and uh....

Protus: shut. Up. Right. now.

Pealaeus: shutting up.


the trade actually went through. barely. just because it was such a bald faced lie, and people who read story number 4 know how I feel about those. I was sorely tempted to make the guards just kill the guy, but I let the bard talk their way out of the hole the wizard had dug. seriously, that guy could talk his way out of his own coffin.

[DontEatRawHagis]

In Spycraft I was known for failing search checks a lot. At the tavern mission after blowing up the floor with beer I made a search check in the Alley to see if anyone was around us.

Me: I search the alleyway *Natural 1*
DM: Lol, you see nothing.
Me: No I see something. Five Ninja cows.
C starts laughing hysterically.
Me: Quickly C before were surrounded!

Another time I was searching through the city surveillance network. The DM says make a Notice check.

Me: Okay *Natural 1* god damn it!
DM: No problem just roll again.
Me: Thanks. *Natural 1*
DM: Wow that's some bad rolling.
Me: Hey C can you come over here and check the cameras for me.
C: Okay *Natural 1* Are you sure these aren't just photographs?(/stupidity)
DM: Okay Saturn comes in, she gives you a cold stare and points to the screen at a motorcyclist.
Saturn(Hacker NPC Defector): That's one of Neptune's gang members. Also you two should probably get new jobs if you can't watch security footage effectively.
Me: Shut the **** up Saturn!

[Lycan 01]

Wow, I've never heard of Spymaster. Got any other nifty stories? These are pretty good.

[Osafiny]

Best quote I've ever had in any game I've ever been in:

"OK, we definitely cannot let the Paladin know that we preformed a reverse abortion on the Mother Lion and it's cubs and dumped the body in the sewer."

[Robert Blackletter]

In a game I dm (long ago)

There a group of 6. They are give the job of assassinating a ex-mercenary leader politician Drafus in the city they are staying in.
They ask if they could gather info and i ask how they would do it. they said they would do it in groups of two to different places (taverns, local trading house thieves guild etc, each of the group had the own sources and i would modify info gained depending where they got it from) and pool there info gained at the end.
Group one try the mercenary guild learns that Drafus as three half orc Clansmen body guards, one of which is always with him and has a small number of mercenary trainees sent from the guild to teach them basic skills (read mooks if they attack head on)

Group two go to a upper class tavern and learn that Drafus get his food deliveries from a very up market suppliers, that he has start a fashion craze for wolf hounds among the aristocrat as he is often seen walking a giant wolf and that he has a personnal halfling cook renowned for his fine tasting meals.

Group 3 well.... they spent the day in the religious area and learnt about the great red squirrel and his Nemesis the Evil low grey Squirrel. Yes they spent the day in the company of loony cultist.

The best thing was the whole group decided to join the squirrel cult (which of course wore squirrel outfits) and use them to stage an diversionary attack on Drafus home while they snuck in the back way.

[DMClockwork]

The scene is set on a stone bridge over another bridge upon which our allies are fighting some evil henchmen.
The Bard of our group decides to make a dramatic entrance:

Bard: I am going to tie this rope around me.
DM: Ok, Use Rope check, please.
Bard: *rolls 16
DM: Ok, what next?
Bard: I leap off the bridge and swing into battle!
DM: Are you sure?
Bard: Yes!
DM: Did you tie the other end of the rope to anything?
Bard: ... dammit.
DM: Splat.
Me:

[Lycan 01]

The scene is set on a stone bridge over another bridge upon which our allies are fighting some evil henchmen.
The Bard of our group decides to make a dramatic entrance:

Bard: I am going to tie this rope around me.
DM: Ok, Use Rope check, please.
Bard: *rolls 16
DM: Ok, what next?
Bard: I leap off the bridge and swing into battle!
DM: Are you sure?
Bard: Yes!
DM: Did you tie the other end of the rope to anything?
Bard: ... dammit.
DM: Splat.
Me:

I'm not sure if the DM was being too specific, or if the player wasn't specific enough. Either way, though, it was hilarious.

[koscum]

Best quote I've ever had in any game I've ever been in:

"OK, we definitely cannot let the Paladin know that we preformed a reverse abortion on the Mother Lion and it's cubs and dumped the body in the sewer."

I don't wanna know.

Me: Okay *Natural 1* god damn it!
DM: No problem just roll again.
Me: Thanks. *Natural 1*
DM: Wow that's some bad rolling.
Me: Hey C can you come over here and check the cameras for me.
C: Okay *Natural 1* Are you sure these aren't just photographs?(/stupidity)
DM: Okay Saturn comes in, she gives you a cold stare and points to the screen at a motorcyclist.
Saturn(Hacker NPC Defector): That's one of Neptune's gang members. Also you two should probably get new jobs if you can't watch security footage effectively.
Me: Shut the **** up Saturn!

At least you didn't roll it 4 times in a row.

seriously, that guy could talk his way out of his own coffin.

I know what you mean. **COUGH**Kaww**COUGH**.

I'm not sure if the DM was being too specific, or if the player wasn't specific enough. Either way, though, it was hilarious.

Our lycanthrope monk was on his way from his temple to Neverwinter. At the end of the first day of the travel, the DM said "Your stomach feels funny.". He ignored it. At the end of the second day, the DM said "Your stomach really begins to hurt.", to which he replied "Ooook... Did I eat something bad? Can I make a Fort save?". Half way through day three, he encountered few wolves and one or two dire wolves. Near the end of the battle, with only one dire wolf remaining, the DM suddenly says "Your stomach no longer hurts. You can clearly see the disgusted expression on dire wolf's "face" and smell something foul. Roll a Fort save.". We were later told byt the DM that, while outside of city limits, we have to call ALL of our actions (which, so far, only caused one encounter.... ok, maybe two, but we couldn't see in the dark.).

[Chiron0224]

one time some friends and I were playing D&D when one of the guys excuses himself to go to the bathroom. After waiting for some time we started to get impatient and wondered how long he was going to be in there. Eventually I was sent to knock on the door. When I got near I heard snoring. So, I told everyone else to pack up their books, reset the clock on the wall for 2:00AM and generally act like it was time to go. Then I knocked on the door, waking up my friend and we fooled him into thinking that he had slept through the entire session. Just before we got into our cars we let the cat out of the bag, went back inside and kept playing.

[Flame of Anor]

I know what you mean. **COUGH**Kaww**COUGH**.

Hey, why don't you talk your way out of your own coughin'?

one time some friends and I were playing D&D when one of the guys excuses himself to go to the bathroom. After waiting for some time we started to get impatient and wondered how long he was going to be in there. Eventually I was sent to knock on the door. When I got near I heard snoring. So, I told everyone else to pack up their books, reset the clock on the wall for 2:00AM and generally act like it was time to go. Then I knocked on the door, waking up my friend and we fooled him into thinking that he had slept through the entire session. Just before we got into our cars we let the cat out of the bag, went back inside and kept playing.

AWESOME. That totally sounds like something our group would do.

[Meirnon]

Hey, why don't you talk your way out of your own coughin'?

Ow ow ow ow ow, that hurts, ow, my head, it feels like someone dropped a one-pun weight on me.

[Osafiny]

I don't wanna know.

This of course was the same group I had this little discussion:

Me: So the bandits we killed were elves?
GM: Yeah, why?
Me: I drag one of the bodies into the privacy of my tent (No one else was around to see me, especially not the paladin)
GM: Alright, now what?
Me: Is skinning something a Survival check, or a Craft skill?

And I wore the dead elf's skin under my clothes for the rest of the game. I even used it to feed and befriend a pack of wolves. Our paladin was a very poor judge of character, thankfully for him.

[koscum]

This of course was the same group I had this little discussion:

Me: So the bandits we killed were elves?
GM: Yeah, why?
Me: I drag one of the bodies into the privacy of my tent (No one else was around to see me, especially not the paladin)
GM: Alright, now what?
Me: Is skinning something a Survival check, or a Craft skill?

And I wore the dead elf's skin under my clothes for the rest of the game. I even used it to feed and befriend a pack of wolves.

I can only hope that (dead) guy wasn't a Sun Elf Warmage/Holy Scourge/Exalted Arcanist. If he was, the I know how I'll end up .
On a related matter, I once wanted to take a Dire Bear's head as a trophy, but because of our Druid's displeasure (he used to expresses it by shooting lightning bolts at me), I had to settle down with a tooth. Or was it Dire Tiger? Nah... I declawed HIM.

Our paladin was a very poor judge of character, thankfully for him.

Hey, why don't you talk your way out of your own coughin'?

I would, but my Bluff sucks. It is his Bluff/Diplomacy/Perform, on his Bard in our Planescape campaign, that is over 9000 . He is the one who could talk his way out of everything (even Lady's grasp).

[DontEatRawHagis]

I made a huge mistake my first RPG. I decided to DM with no experience. It was when I was a freshman in college and one of my friends who knew a bit more than me switched off and on with me. If anyone knows Red Dwarf, I have one of the few RPG books that they made(its been discontinued). Our party was like this:

Hologram - A hacker who died on the ship revived to finish her final mission... to hack a Talkie the Toaster. Other DM

Human - He was a paranoid VAULT Tech employee sent on a Corporate espionage mission. He was in the Captain's Emergency Stasis pod when the accident happened. The AI thinks he is the captain.

Simulant - A rampaging Death machine who gave himself two addictions; Alcohol and Pudding. I accidentally allowed him to have too much in Explosives... he could have destroyed the ship in a second.

Cyborg - The only DnD player in the group. He made a man with cybernetic eyes. I gave him a negative for perception because as you all know Cybernetics in Red Dwarf suck.(Hand pick up the ball)

Me - A hyper evolved Iguana, originally he was Cat but I turned him into an iguana because I was more laid back. He was a cultist to the mighty Talkie the Toaster and always carried one around. Iguana's in the Core Book are supposed to be stoners who get baked.

Colin - He had a good time, but I hated him when we joined the campaign, another player invited him. He was the captain from a mirror reality, based on Kirk. When he came onto our ship he was the lowest rank.

The games where fun and short, never too serious. Eventually only a few of us were left playing and we had a good time.

The first mission however I realized that everyone put their stats into Fighting. The DnD player had a 2 in perception and was thus dubbed blind and deaf. I could barely get passed the first mission because of it.

The last mission was a Suicide Squid mission, everyone was thought to have died in a spaceship crash, but in reality they were hallucinating that they woke from a video game simulation and that they were in a horrible nightmare world.

If they figured out they were in a dream state then they had to make a Will save. Everyone made it out except Colin who literally put a zero in his stats so that he could have maxed out weapon proficiency. I said if he critically failed he was dead. He did but the DnD player saved him some how. The DnDer never played a campaign with player death actually happening so I let it slide, also because Colin looked like he was going to throw a tantrum.

Side Note:
Anyone ever play with someone who was so attached to their characters that they would not want them to die?

The DnDer in my game wanted to play Paranoia last month but after finding out I would allow characters to die backed out. When I said he could keep the same stats and just change the name he looked horrified.

Him: Names are powerful and to give a character a new name destroys its meaning.

My opinion, everyone dies sometime.

[Marillion]

I was playing a bull fighter, and I was using my bull fighting talents in a circus. After a few passes, the bull gets visibly frustrated. My "friend", who I think is a little crazy because he talks to animals as though he expects them to talk back, asks the bull what's wrong. As it turns out, he actually *can* speak with animals, and the bull answers him, saying that I won't stand still. So, he yells out to the bull, "Go for his legs!"

Next thing I know, I'm flying through the air, breaking my nose as I hit the ground. Thanks, buddy. Thanks.

The bull thing gets resolved, but my nose is still broken. I'm conversing with the other PCs, and one of them says something that makes me pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. "Marillion, every time you touch your nose while you're speaking in character, take two flesh wounds."

Ten minutes later, I'd managed to give myself a serious injury. From touching my nose.

[Kaun]

Dead lands rather then DnD but still funny.

I was playing a news paper reporter (sort of the party face/know it all guy) and had wound up being stuck with a group of treasure hunters down in mexico.

Any way i was some what useless in combat and my companions and i had ventured into some old semi buried buildings we had found out in the middle of no where.

We had heard stories about the place and that it was inhabited by deamons or something similar and it wasnt untill half way through the first room that i pointed out that i was unarmed except for my walking cane, pocket knife and a rather wimpy looking deringer.

One of the wombats of the group gave me his spare scatter gun and instructed me to bring up the rear and to not shoot any of them in the back.

So we are a few rooms into the musty old place and we have seen no signs of any recent activity when i suddenly get an odd chill down the back of my neck.

I look up to see a vampire lying on the ceiling grining at me...

...i freak out and almost instinctivly pull the trigger on the scatter gun in blind fear...

well a few reidiculous rolls later to resolve the shot and my team mates turn around see whats going on just in time to see the headless corpse of the vampire drop to the floor infront of me.

the GM/Marshall just laughed and said "...well thats not really what i predicted would happen!.."

[DragonOfUndeath]

it was my first time playing D&D and i had a half-elf rogue with 9 streetwise, 8 acrobatics, 6 diplomacy etc. we (me and a half-elf paladin who played like a dragonborn) started in fallcrest and (due to my +9 Streetwise) my DM naturally decides to send us out to a two-story farmhouse overrun by Kobolds 8 hours away from the city. we arrived at dusk and fought our way up to the second story. we cleared the entire landing of Kobolds except one who climbed off a balconey down to the bottom i had 3HP left. i (with my +8 acrobatics) decided to vault the balconey, propel myself of a wall and roll-land (my DM decided to make it a DC 20) then on my next turn throw one of my 3 remaining daggers (i started with 10) at the kobold. i rolled a 1! my foot caught on the balconey and i fell head firast taking 1D4 damage, i rolled a 2!!

[Walter]

Note that this became hilarious because we wound up not giving a **** about anything except the number of ponies in our possession at any given time.

Pony Quest

We were playing sandstorm, and the overarching quest lead us into the barren desert, south of this huge metropolis that was at the edge of the desert. Deciding it best to bring enough horses for loot, we went to the stables. Horses turned out to be too expensive, so we acquired 6 ponies instead. Thus pony quest began. We encountered a sand dragon first, which, according the the sourcebook delights in looking for livestock animals to feed on. After the battle is over, the dragon slain by cinematic level heroics, we are down to 3 ponies. Back to town. We have 6 ponies again. We make it to the cavern we are exploring. Ever so cautiously, we lead the poines into the cave with us, fearful of another dragon attack that might pick them off if left outside. We descent along a sheer cliff face, and get jumped by a pair of gargoyles. Three of the ponies, not trained for combat, begin to flee, and because they are not trained for narrow cliff travel, stumble to their death. We are down to 3 ponies. We enter a large chasm, filled with a grand waterfall. As we explore, the waterfall animates, and attacks. Two ponies die in the initial suprise attack, from his wave slam attack. All PC attention turns to the sole survivor -- Hugo, our last pony. Throughout the battle and the rest of the dungeon that follows, Hugo recieves every buff spell at our disposal, first dibs on healing, and our tanks protection in every fight. Two of the four PCs end up dying in the last battle. Hugo lives, but cannot take the loot and our bodies back to town. The remaining two PCs make a bank amount of gold, the dead PCs reroll, and Hugo levels up as the druid's new animal companion.

Goddamn ponies.

[Gan The Grey]

Hugo the Pony

I approve of this.