Funny D&D Stories

[fraud]

everyone has one, funny or not. I have a story that isn't funny but whatever.
As my friends were going through a dungeon they found a treasure chest. One walked up and opened it I said to him "spikes shoot out of the wall and aim at you" there was a long pause and he goes "wait. You're joking, right?" He didn't think I was serious either way a friend just told me a funnier one.
He was running a campagin with his friends but the rouge went to the bathroom. Tired of waiting to check for traps they shoved the rouge down the stairs. She set off several traps and landed with -1 HP, than a goblin jumped out and knocked her down -8. Attempting to save her, the druid used the shield to surf down (yes like LotR) but he landed with -3 HP
anyway feel free to share your funny stories that happen around the "Square Table"

[Xeluu]

XD Oh wow, that second one is really amusing.

The one story that most prominently sticks out in my mind is the time when my group was pitted against a displacer beast and a gelatinous cube.

Our group was literally in the middle of a hallway between the two, and most, if not ALL of us were new to playing D&D. (Excluding the DM.) The cube is slowly moving towards us, so one of us comes up with this great idea:

Let's throw the displacer beast into the gelatinous cube. It took half our group to grapple the "kitty" and throw it in, but it worked.

I don't think our DM has forgiven us for killing his "kitty". XD

[fraud]

XD Oh wow, that second one is really amusing.

The one story that most prominently sticks out in my mind is the time when my group was pitted against a displacer beast and a gelatinous cube.

Our group was literally in the middle of a hallway between the two, and most, if not ALL of us were new to playing D&D. (Excluding the DM.) The cube is slowly moving towards us, so one of us comes up with this great idea:

Let's throw the displacer beast into the gelatinous cube. It took half our group to grapple the "kitty" and throw it in, but it worked.

I don't think our DM has forgiven us for killing his "kitty". XD

I assume you guys called it a kitty
that reminds me of a time my group was fighting an ogre skeleton and I had an actual ogre skeleton figure so as they surrounded it one says "I hit that guy with Magic Missle, whashisname, Ugly." we all cracked up and started calling him Ugly. I know my stories aren't funny but, meh

[Xeluu]

XD Haha. That sounds a lot like what the group I play with would do.

The only other thing that I can think of off the top of my head has to do with the fact that my character is the strongest of the three in our current campaign. She's also the only female. XD Catfolk Wizard/Dragon Disciple ftw.

Things our DM didn't appreciate:
- We found a room covered in gold. Well, our monk uses his fire breath ability, and melts the gold off a door, we then proceeded to make a gold club via magical sword plus gold. XD We also set off an alarm by me ripping off all of the various door knobs, faucets, etc that were made of gold and stealing them.
- She almost broke her half brother's wrists when he tried to keep her from running ahead of him. (Strength checks are not good against my current character. XD)
- In a room full of magically trapped objects, she grabbed and removed from the room: 1) Bedside table and 1) Desk. Being unable to open them she decided instead to smash them open against each other. XD And broke the two healing potions which were supposed to help us out.

Not all that funny, but at least semi-amusing I hope?

[Ilena]

Lol, well the one i can remember clearly is from a few sessions ago, in our current campaign, we were desending a 500ft down a cavern, we were about 100 ft down and were attacked by bats, well after a few rounds of combat (and jumping to a few other ropes in the process so we were all on seperate ropes) i, being a halfling, figured ... screw this .. when a bat came by to attack me, i rolled a grab attack to jump on his back .. rolled a 20 ... so the dm let me jump on his back, he tried to toss me off but i was rolling crazy well (15 and ups with a massive acrobatics score of 12 at level 2) so after like 4 rounds of trying to get me off, him barely able to stay flying with my added weight of like 150 pounds of me and equipment, he gave up and just floated slowly down, the party wizard used this opertunity to do a ghost sound of more halflings falling from the sky to frighten the other bats letting the other party members have a bit more breathing room, when i landed i tied up the bat and when everyone else arrived, i was like ... what took you guys so long! ive been here for ages! So now theres a talk of me starting a halfling air corp ... bat riders :P

[TheCountAlucard]

"You have finally made it to the dark antechamber of the cultist leader. The room is grimly decorated with unholy symbols and vile markings, dimly illuminated by the blood-red candles that are placed about the chamber. A stained wardrobe stands in the corner."

"I lick the wardrobe."

Apparently, the wardrobe was poisoned, and the rogue died.

[Dorizzit]

I'm pretty good at figuring out mysteries on TV shows. I also know my DM fairly well. It was the start of a new story arc in our group. The party had been called in to find out who was behind a recent series of murders of people who had been found with demonic symbols carved into their skin. I'm listening to the introductions of various NPCs, and eventually pick out one I'm certain is the big bad. I'm playing a good version of an Assassin.

Me: I begin study Lord Denduron carefully.
DM: Okay...*continues talking about various NPC introductions*
*I surreptitiously check my watch every couple seconds. 18 pass when...*
Me: I make a Death attack on Lord Denduron.
DM: WHAT!?!?
Me: You heard me.
DM: roll an attack...
*hits*
I then calmly explain to the court that my divine intuition showed me this man's guilt, and that if they checked his quarters they would find damning evidence. They do.
The DM then takes out a large and fairly thick binder and says: This is the adventure series you just ruined. Happy? (he then later had a lieutenant take over for Lord Denduron and we went through most of the adventure anyway. Still, he made me promise never to do that again)

[Ilena]

I just remembered this that happened yesterday, wasent really funny but ... we were basicly confronted with 2 blade traps, the dm said there was a room with crates in it, with petty bauble, some of the crates look new, i took 1 crate lid, and placed it against the wall opposite to where the blade went in, he rolled damage and it wasent enough to break through so it stopped, i did it again on the opposite wall and vola, 2 traps completely done :P I think he was happy that someone accually thought for once ( we tend not to as a group ...)

[An Enemy Spy]

My friend refused to pay the innkeeper so I had hiim try and persuade him with his pet black dragon. My friend, being the idiot that he is decided to slap it in the face. Needless to say, the innkeeper got his money and a headless corpse to warn other people with.

[Wraithy]

DM: Make a survival check.
New Player: But I'm still alive!

[sealemon]

Hmmm...well, there was the time my Elvish thief rounded the corner of the dungeon and came face to face with a beholder, and I had Eyes of the Basilisc (DnD 1.0, doncha know--and yes, the campaign was a just a little bit Monty Haul), and I convinced the DM that since the beholder has sooo many eyes it should take a minus on its save verses being turned to stone, right? Heh. Low level elf solos the beholder!

There was a campaign where it was made clear that we would be doing stealthy type missions from the start, so what does my buddy do, make a Dwarven berserker of course...this guy would scream at the top of his lungs whenever he went into battle, drawing all sorts of crap down on the rest of us. Finally, one session while the player was not in attendence, we made a pitch to the DM that the dwarven retard--I mean berserker would want to lead the party into the dungeon to get the lion's share of the glory...say 50 feet in front or so. Good times.

Final lame story--I was running the campaign this time, and the party had journeyed to a town with a very large lake next to it. The villagers would fish for the giant crabs in the lake, and the ranger of the party wanted to have a go at it, so he rows a boat out into the lake and drops some bait. Then tries to whack a crab with his sword (He didn't try asking the villagers how to actually fish for crabs, so...)...he rolls a natural 1, blows his Dex check, and rather than have him fall out of the boat I simply say that he drops his +1 long sword.

So he dives in after it.

"So, what kind of armor are you wearing again?"

"Chain mail. Why?"

"..."

He didn't last too long.

The punch line? All the bad guys in the module were armed with +1 long swords.

[Mr. Moon]

So, I was playing with some of my friends, as a halfling ranger. (Don't ask me how. I swear I started as an Elf.) We get into a dungeon, and our Drow Fighter, the idiot, destroys the only light source, thinking it was magic or something. So we're standing there in the dark, and then our Dwarven bard (who I've never liked, and doesn't really like me) looks at me thoughtfully and says slowely, "Hobbits have hairy legs, right?"

So they pin me down, cut off my leg, light it on fire and use it as a torch. From that day on, I was known as Hoppy the Halfling.

[Inhuman Bot]

You don't carry torches?

I remember one adventure, we were talking to the king of Breland. (this was in ebberon) So in the middle of the disscusion, we try to diplomisize him to get more gold. After a natural 1, he refuses, and is insulted by that. So then our party leader decides that the best course of action is to attack the king.

half an hour later, we're still fighting the guards. Breland is plunged into a war of succesion, all because of gold. How much you may ask? 5.



Also, should this not be in d20 general?

[Mr. Moon]

You don't carry torches?

Apparently not.

[ColonelFuster]

There are two deities of mine, "The Prot," god of evil and mockery, and "Skerrit," god of transmutation and halfbeasts. There's this mythical tree that bears fruit that can be used as an awaken spell... and The Prot made a copy of it.

With that background, that the PCs did not know, read this.

DM (me): The final contest is who can be more ironic. James?
James (is a Feytouched): Hmm... that tree in the plaza. I'm going to burn it down.
DM (evil): That's illegal. There's some sort of legend about it, involving "a god or a dryad or something."
James (is descended from a dryad): Oh, gosh! Um... [triumphantly]I use detect magic on the tree![/triumphantly]
DM (didn't want to give this away when you're only level 5 but whatever): The tree itself is not magical, but the fruit it bears... *snips appropriate checks* ...have an overwhelming aura of transmutation.
James (with a "well that's weird" look on his face): I eat the fruit.
Cam (Dwarven ranger with a romanian accent): YOU WHAT??? YOU ATE IT???
DM (Rolls a d100 and opens the list of animals): Oh dear.
Cam (glances at dice, counts down list): Elephant, African. AAA-Eheheheheh! Great, Abu!
James ():What?
DM (channeling EGG): You turn into an african elephant. Your robes rip off, and a blaring trumpeting escapes from your trunk.
Cam (laughing hysterically): WE SHALL CALL YOU STAMPY!
DM: You win the contest by default.

Another one is that my friend cam has a character, a dwarven sniper, who is based on the father of my friend Jon. Jon's dad is from Romania, and has an awesome accent that Cam imitates.
His dad calls Jon, "Jonitini." So Cam calls the sorcerer, Jekyll, "Jekyll-tini."
He also uses various catchphrases that are real-life bits of wisdom from Jon's dad, such as, "women trap you. women will get pregnant and trap you," and "follow the money."

Good times. Yeah, and I know, TL;DW. YHTBT.

[Gem Flower]

So here's two connected stories that really just pissed me off, but everyone else found them funny. Some background info; I'm the only girl in my group, and we were playing 35th levels. So my party is trying to get the local Resistance group against a tyrant to trust us. So they tell us we have to rescue their leader from the noose. So, for the first time ever, we actually make a plan. With at least five back-up plans if something goes wrong. So yeah, we rescue the guy. You know what the guy we rescued does? He starts hitting on my character. I start with just refusing him. Eventually I knock him unconscious. Then, a long time later, we're in our party wizard's private dimension or plane or whatever to recuperate. So what does one guy in my party do? He goes to find the moron who was hitting on me. Naturally, I knock him unconscious again. Still, I was really, really ticked off.

[luffy316]

As DM, I try to make sure the party is having fun in my games above all else. This means lots of insanity and laughter. Was a homebrew campaign before I totally understood dnd, so pardon any rules gaps

Party Rundown: they liked to multi-class

Balthas Giggleberry: 1/2 orc bard/fighter. Alternately femininely skipping and singing or viciously smashing things with a hammer. Self-absorbed and great RPer

Lupus: human thief/fighter. Selfish and greedy, but does it in good fun and never totally betrayed the team. Hated Ecko

Ecko: half-elf druid/monk. only particularly moral member, youngest player. Often neglected or abused

Urith: drow mage/monk. Quite neutral, only in the sense that he'd basically help anybody in the party with anything they tried.


*Throughout the game, Balthas has picked up a "I drink it!" stance on things he encounters. He finds a box of potions. "I drink it!" Acid burns his lip off. He finds a magical bottle of white liquid. "I drink it!" Think Spider-man webs attaching the bottle to his face.

Eventually, the gang raids an old castle infested with monsters. They enter a room with a ghost guarding it, which turns out to be a room for blacksmithing. There is a dingy pool of water there for cooling the weapons, which i meant to make enchant whatever item they put in there.

"I drink it!" I blink a few times, then I ask for his character sheet. I bump his physical stats up a point or two each and give him glowing blue eyes, now being authentically magical.

Balthas: "See!? The key to adventuring is to eat everything!"
Lupus: "Hell, can we go back and eat those werewolves we just killed?"


*Ecko finds a magical horn that lets him summon a ghost ship manned by undead (who can't go far from shore). Lupus, at the time Ecko discovered this, has been out with a magical sword he discovered while robbing a royal treasury. After several towns, he finds a wizard powerful enough to identify it as a wishing sword. He very clearly and carefully warns Lupus not to waste it and be careful what he says while he carries it.

Immediately, Lupus screams out "I wish I could never die!" I agree to this, since I'm admittedly lenient and I planned to permanently cripple him or something later. People say I should have turned him into an unbreakable statue or something, but I'm not big on ironic twist wishes.

Ecko reunited with the gang, introducing his new ghost crew. Lupus enviously tries to swipe it, but Ecko dodges. Lupus' player looks me square in the eye and goes "I WISH MARCUS WAS DEAD!" (ecko's player) in a loud clear voice.

He drops dead instantly, taking nearly a week and a lot of money for a cleric to revive him. Lupus' pure hate just amused me so

*The group is charged by a baron to infiltrate and stop a slave ring across seas. He lends them his finest vessel for this cause. Still jealous of Ecko's zombie ship, Lupus firmly goes with the baron's ship, determined to outrace Ecko's.

Lupus: "So, what's this boat called anyway?"
ship captain: "It's the Sea Saint"
Lupus: "WHAT?! That's dumb! We need a cool name. Something badass. It needs to say 'We f*** up undead."
Me: "That's necrophelia, dave."
Lupus: "...I grab some paint and try to write Necrophelia on the side of the boat."


*The group winds up racing their ships, with Ecko's (holding Balthas, himself, and Balthas' slightly kidnapped assistant 8-year old Zach) leading due to a tireless band of zombie rowers. Lupus starts throwing daggers at the zombies, picking them off. Ecko defends himself by firing lit arrows onto their boat. Urith (on Lupus' boat) casts flaming sphere and begins to steer it in and out of the zombie ship's hull.

Balthas: "Say... that scroll of enlargement I found before..."
Me: "Yea?"
Balthas: "Does that work on objects too?"
Me: "Yea, I guess so."
Balthas: "Perfect. I cast it on the cannon."

Balthas fires an elephant-sized cannonball into the Sea Saint, Lupus desperately trying to deflect it with a thunderbolt from a magical spear of his and blasting the undead ship's mast down before his ship has its front half torn off.

They're left wide open for the pirate ambush (magic-users who Invisibility-ed their ships), who attack the ships as they try to rescue what they can from the Sea Saint. Lupus finally gets on board, attacking pirates left and right but constantly missing or almost falling off deck from poor rolls.

Lupus: "Dammit! I wish I was dead!"
Me: *grins like an ass
Lupus: "What?"
Me: "Remember that sword you had?"
Lupus: "But... but I wished i could never die!"
Me: "Well... but this wish can... it didn't ... ok, Death pulls your soul out to talk this over with you."

We finally ruled that he lost his immortality in exchange for living in the end, but he didn't seem to mind.


*The group searches a dungeon, finding a chamber where a huge skeleton with an axe for a hand lies.
Urith: "Okay... that thing is obviously going to spring to life on us. Lupus, check for traps."
Lupus does so, actually finding a hidden panel with a small chest in it. He grabs it and runs for his life, expecting the skeleton to come to life.

Balthas: "QUICK! HE'S GETTING AWAY WITH THE LOOT!" *grabs and hurls the npc priest Hobs the halfing, hurling him like a dodgeball
Lupus actually rolled so well on a dodge that I had him deflect Hobs easily, swatting him back like a tennis ball with his bare hand and smacking Balthas in the face with his own projectile teammate

*My favorite example of Balthas' RPing.

The group winds up at the kingdom where the slave ring they're busting is centered. The group goes about different approaches. Urith leaves them to handle it, going to the wizard's guild and doing the group's shopping. Lupus bribes up the thieves' guild for info. Marcus uses his wildshape to become a crow and infiltrate the castle via the windows for info.

Balthas walks up to the front door and demands to speak with the king. The guards refuse, so he promptly beats them up and takes their clothes. They're a tight fit, but they pass. He bluffs past several guards before he reaches the final pair of guards before he's in. He hides behind a pillar and tells me this...

"I take off my disguise, only to realize I wore nothing underneath it but my warhammer. I pause, shrug, then walk on anyway."

Balthas approaches the dumbfounded guards. "Balthas Giggleberry DEMANDS to see the king!" he announces dramatically, thrusting or posing with every word.

Me: "I don't care how good your charisma is, you're a naked, armed half-orc on royal property. They attack you."

The guard gets a lucky roll, and I wind up ruling that his ax takes off his junk.

Balthas: "..............BALTHAS GIGGLEBERRY IS NEVER A MAN TO RETREAT! But the situation demands it. I grab Balthas Junior and leap out the nearest glass thing, preferably a window."

Balthas books it to the nearest temple.
"I thrust my bloody junk into his face and scream "HELP MEEEEE!"
Me: "One nun faints while another priest vomits."
Priest: "Calm down, friend. We can help this."
Balthas: "Can you make it bigger?"
Priest: "No."
Priest 2: "Giggle."
Balthas: "It's not funny!!"
Priest2: "No, that's not it.... Regenerate is a touch-based spell." (basically stole from classic OoTS, i know)
*tremendous pause by all
Priest: "Sigh. Let's get this over with..."
Balthas: "So, uh... do I cough or something?"
Priest: "Shut up."
Balthas: "..." *faint coughing sound
Priest: "Stop that!"

*The entire party winds up being arrested or their items looted to force them to come to court (all over petty reasons brought on by themselves, I swear). All except Balthas. The others all show up to prove their innocence while Balthas comes to the courthouse and demands to see the trial. The clerk doesn't know which he's talking about, so she lists off a few offhandedly. Balthas pauses at mention of "Cuthroat Bill: charged with 20 counts of murder and rape each," but passes. When they're about to be found guilty, they make a daring escape from town. Pursued by guards, Balthas insists he has a plan and stays behind.

He lets himself be arrested, taking credit for everything ("The thieving, the killing, the stuff I'd have to have been in two places at once to do..."). Once in jail, he asks the inmates if they know where Cutthroat Bill is.

I'm stunned and say he's held in a private secure cell elsewhere in the jail, Balthas breaking out using a magic toy horse and riding to free Bill in the next room. I spontaneously make up off the top of my head a 9 foot ogre with a battleax picking at a deer carcas. Balthas is set on making him the party's new muscle, and his outstanding Charisma + Bill's atrocious intelligence hires him on the spot, despite my emphasis of his evil as they escape ("He knocks people out of his way as he runs. He even stops and turns back a few times just to knock people over anyway,"). Thing is, the group grew to love the cannibal/rapist/imbecilic murderer, and their chaos was a sort of outlet for him that made him a lot less dangerous. Belkar-syndrome, I guess...



*I often pointed out to the party their habit of going through its share of NPCS, mostly their clerics. They started with a halfling Hobs, but he wound up leaving the after the arresting incident because of his moral standing with his goddess. They later picked up Andy (short for Andilus), an elf dedicated to a god of true pacifism, apathy, and neutrality. He stayed for a while before their severe infighting and strokes of cruelty blew his nerves and he walked out. When we last played the campaign, they had picked up Laracez, a drow priestess of disease, mischief, and chaos. I pointed out that this was the closest they would get to one that would work with them.

[Headless_Ninja]

Our only really funny story was the time that we were exploring down a long corridor which we knew to be filled with pit traps. The thief couldn't be bothered to find and disengage them all, so we tied the dwarf to a short rope which we all tied around ourselves and had him walk slightly in front of everyone. By the fifth time we'd nearly fallen over and dropped him onto a set of spikes, we decided that that wasn't such a great idea after all.

The only other one is less funny, more amusing and characterful. We were fighting a bunch of smugglers on the edge of a cliff after we had discovered their hidden loot. As we had the local town guard with us, we had been ordered to use nonlethal force so that they could face due justice, etc. The thief hits a smuggler in the shoulder with his magical throwing knife from a short distance away. The man, while not killed begins to topple backwards, over the cliff. The thief darts forwards, grabs the man firmly, pulls the knife from his shoulder... And lets him fall.

[Vampiric]

Hehehe... Funny funny stuff...

My best one, I think, is from a few years ago, and is the shortest campaign I have ever been on.

Our party is grouped together to go into an evil dungeon that the locals had recently become suspicious of, and avoided.

We got as far as the first corridor.

The end of it appeared to open into a room, until a solid iron door came down and blocked off the end. Moments later, the same happened to the entrance through which we'd come. Trapped in this corridor, we're looking for any possible means of escape, before we suffocate in this sealed corridor.

The Fighter spots some small holes in the wall, but doesn't possess anything small enough to prod through. He rips the quarterstaff out of the Monk's (me) hands (we actually rolled strength checks), and shoves that through the wall. We all stop, and hear something rip. Then hiss. He removes the quarterstaff, and thereby releases the poison gas, which was probably some other trap the DM had going for us after we found some way through the door...

That campaign lasted about 25 minutes...

[TheCountAlucard]

Okay, so, last session I DMed gave me three new players to deal with. One has been playing playing D&D for fourteen years, one played a little 2.0, and one is entirely new to the game.

The experienced player was being a jerk, both in-character and out-of-character. He'd constantly tell the new guy that his character wouldn't know such things, because "you're a dumb fighter, durrh," et cetera.

Anyway, later on, they broke into the lair of an evil necromancer, Slimph Landarin. They find out that he's not in, so they start looting. Slimph comes back soon after, and is naturally quite upset with them. Well, jerk player decides to cast silence on himself and attempt to grapple Slimph on the next round, rather than surrender the huge diamond and wand that he had stolen. What he didn't know was that Slimph was a Swarmshifter Wight.

So, Slimph dissolves into a giant swarm of centipedes while grappled. Jerk player fails both Fortitude saves, so is both poisoned and nauseated in addition to the swarm damage.

Tons of fun.

[fraud]

I can't help but notice that most DM's here complain that their groups never make a plan
my group does the exact same the run in and open every treasure chest without thinking of traps or anything and slash randomly. I basically have to do all the work

but I was laughing SOOOOO hard while reading these. No funny stories from me, we haven't played in so long. Keep up the good, funny, work

[mangosta71]

In the first session of my current RL campaign, we'd come into a village. The party made arrangements to keep the local wizard distracted that night while the rogue (me) slipped into his tower for some recon. To pull it off, we dressed up the paladin (male player RPing a 17 year-old girl) in clothing that I stole from around town. During their dinner conversation, I claimed to not be feeling very well and went upstairs and hopped out through a window. I proceeded to the tower, but the only way in was a second story window. I rolled three consecutive 1s to toss my grappling hook in for purchase. After much swearing and the decision to just take 10, I made it up and proceeded to loot the tower. I then returned to the inn, climbed back in through the upstairs window, and sauntered back downstairs where I rejoined the conversation with the wizard guy. And of course to finish it all off, when the party all went back to our rooms I lied through my teeth and told them I hadn't found anything. Few hundred gold and some magic bracers for me!

[truemane]

My single favourite D&D Moment was when my Wizard and the party's Fighter were playing by ourselves. We had to get to a town at some manner of breakneck speed to save someone from dying or somesuch.

I pulled out a teleport scroll which I had stashed away and that the DM had COMPLETELY forogtten about. I start to read it and the Fighter says, "Have you ever been there before?"

I say. "No. Never. Never seen it or had it described."

And he goes, "Isn't that dangerous? We could wind up appearing in the air, or in the ground, right?"

I shake my head as though THAT were the dumbest thing I had ever heard. "What is it, like a 15% chance? Pfft. Never happen."

He says, "Seems dangerous."

And I say (direct quote): "Come on! Live a little!"

We roll a 2. We wind up 130 feet under the ground. We are DEAD. DEAD DEAD DEAD.

I laughed for days.

[Green-Shirt Q]

Another story that is funny in my opinion is one that happened to me and my brother (the two man party with an NPC cleric) on my first time playing the game.

I had chosen a Lizardman (now known as Lizardfolk as to not be sexist) because I thought the other things were too boring. Theif was my class becuase had thought that the other classes sounded boring too.

Anyway, we invaded and pillaged the kobold caves. A completely unprovoked attack that I had questioned. Because I had questioned it, the DM used his cleric to hit me.

Anyway again, the quest eventually lead to us running into a pantry full of wine away from a pack of rightfully angry reptiles.

I had come up with a brilliant plan to dispatch them all in a single blow. Using our torches and the wine to set a trap in the door (my DM had a homebrew rule for a theif to set traps, which was basically the same chart to roll to spot and deactivate traps, but reverse. This was the first edition) causing the kobolds to catch fire and all burn to the ground, using our weapons to speed up the dying process and pick of the isolated survivors.

What was funny about this massive arson of the kobolds was the loot we picked up. Turns out the kobolds had one potion in their stash. A single......fire resistance potion.

Our party laughed for thirty minutes straight.

[mangosta71]

That reminded me one of my college campaigns. We had captured some goblin slaves, and rather than freeing them, the bard kept them in their connected chain thingy and dragged them around. We eventually ran into something too big for the party. The bard lit the goblins on fire and used the lead on the chain to sling them at the monster while we all ran away.

[Jarade]

In one of my first campaigns we where set in an island hopping world (picture Pirates of the Carribean) and we were on a deserted island that we heard one of the Human pirate organization's lieutenants was located. As the group sat there waiting for the guy to show up, an epic battle between the elven pirates and the human pirates erupted, and we watched the gorefest from a safe distance away. Of course, the guy we were looking for got away, but we did manage to snag us one of the human survivors and question him.

Rouge: Where is <insert name here>?
Human: I will never tell you! Even if you kill me, my boss will find out who you are, and kill you! You don't frighten me
Rouge: Fool, we didn't kill you, the elves killed you. (initiate intimidate check)
GM running the human: -You intimidated me...
Rouge: So i passed?
Gm: Oh, no the guy rolled a natural 20.

The group wiped the next session....

[Vella_Malachite]

We had a good reel of comments during the campaign I'm currently DMing (first campaign ever!)

Player 1: "We should get some extra food. We should hunt or something."
Player 2: "Sure. You and I will go, and Players 3 and 4 will continue; we'll meet up at the base of the mountains."
DM: "OK, then. A little way off to the East, you find a herd of buffalo"
Player 1: "OK. How are we going to do this?"
Player 2: "Buffalo can't stand up well. We could just walk up and tip them over."
Player 3: "Maybe we should just domesticate them."
Player 1: "...Maybe not"
Long story short, they decide on a course of action and end up catching a buffalo. Over a couple of days, they dry the meat they've killed. It's still a significant amount (over 900 lbs), leading to the following exchange:

Player 2: "We shouldn't eat too much of the meat, I mean, we've only got so much."
Player 1: "Yes, [name], we've only got so much!"

And the classic dragon encounter.
Player 2: "I'll cast (one of those confusion-type spells) on it."
Player 1: "Dragon. WILL SAVE."

[luffy316]

The gang leaves a monster-infested "shortcut" of a tunnel, battered in general. They meet a group of thives I'd intended for them to fight, but Urith's player (see previous post for cast) was smart enough to charm them into just being travel companions to the next city.

The thieves included Krag, an ogre with a pike. Lupus tries to strike up conversation with him.

Lupus: "Sooo.. spear, huh? I prefer spears myself, too."
Krag: "Ah! Krag love spears! Maybe we compare spear notes some time!"
Lupus: "Uh... yea."
*Krag eagerly hands him a pamphlet, with very ornate handwriting reading "Krag Bloodwater's Spear Notes"
Lupus: ....I read it?
Me: "It's really just a bunch of stick figures stabbing other ones on the inside."

[UncleWolf]

My brother got attacked by a dire weasel that hopped out of a barrel.

Hilarity ensued.

[Staven]

We were doing a sample 4e thing my DM had produced. The gnomes...they came out of nowhere. They were ****ing everywhere, man! Barely made it out with my life.