Funny D&D Stories

[molten_dragon]

Our party was exploring some ice caves searching for an artifact, when we found a very long tunnel gently sloping downward. Our party cleric decided that it would be a really cool idea to sled down the slope on his tower shield. It started off fine, and we all got a kick out of it. Unfortunately for him, halfway down the corridor was a gelatinous cube.

He didn't survive.

[sol-decentguy]

Our party was looking for a ship to get to a dwarven stronghold that was current under attack. So we find a ship with a beautiful female captain, being a sorcerer with high charisma (and only chaotic good character out of a group of all lawfull) I was tasked with wooing her. I did pretty good on my role playing till my GM made me roll a diplomacy. I rolled a 1 and to this day we are not sure what was said by my character but we were promptly thrown off the boat, and surrounded by zombies.

[Corporate M]

I DM'd for one night. It was sortof like "filler" in an anime. How do you justify downtime when someone wants to craft items or something?

So for those who didn't have to craft, they could wander around town and stuff. Interacting with npcs, it was like a horrible episode of Naruto.

Episode 107
The Moulin Rouge: The paladin's sister is a hooker!

Also there was a "dimensional rift". A dimensional rift is my excuse for suddenly putting them in combat like Final Fantasy does random encounters. These battles existed only within their minds. (Think psionic combat) And though it had little to no effect on the time in "the real world". It could conceivably have them die via heart attack or some unpredictable turn of events. Imagine someone suddenly dies of a horse carriage running them over. This is the result of losing a psionic battle. It's like battling death itself.

Dimensional rifts are not completely random. Anytime a player made a reference to a select number of things, I'd roll a dice to determine the monster they have to fight and put them in psionic combat mode. What were they triggers?

Anything having to do with Seth McFarlane, Monty Python, or a webcomic. It took them a while to figure it out, but they did. They basically put on a B^U face after the third encounter in a row.

I was very pleased with the paladin. First he tried talking with his sister, then he tried bargaining with her to give up the prostitute trade, then finally he got pissed and said "you disgrace the family!" And smited her. I was so pleased I gave him a bonus feat. Which I think the paladin can afford to have random gifts considering it's a tier-5 class. I even wrote down a note like a doctor's note permitting the paladin to carry that feat along permenantly.

It was hillarious the wizard getting stuck in some dimensional rifts all alone and having to "run away" being chased by all sortsof monsters as he tried to "wakeup". (Obviously when you're busy crafting you're not preparing spells)

They called that game "Saturday Morning Call of The Cthulhu". Because the monsters were very horrific, soulsucking abomonations, the npcs were terrible, selfish, cruel, and uncooperative ussually. (Then again what do you expect in a seedy town with a whore house?) But it was all played with a cartoony undertone and ridiculous concepts. (demons that summon puppies to shoot at you. Whether they hit or miss, a puppy dies, and puppy guts get all over you or are within sight. All because you had to inform me the bird is the word!)

[Jyokage]

I have one mildly amusing story, it is the end of a rather long campaign and everyone is all set up for the big finale fight with a minor diety. (12 Archmages fused into one being). Now one of the players is a vop cleric gestalt who is a champion of his god. He has this homebrew ability where if he is dropped to negatives all his remaining spells go off at once. We were post epic, so he had a lot of spells. It went like this:

Dm: You walk into the final chamber of the the dead volcano, and there you see the bbeg floating above a throne.
Sorceror: I shape stone, creating a pit underneath the throne.
DM:Ok...the pit reveals molten lava underneath the roughly 2 foot thick floor, the bbeg is still floating above his moat of lava that is cutting you off from him.
A few rounds later...
Cleric: A screw this I charge the bbeg.
Dm: there is nothing to stand on...
Cleric cutting him off: I'll jump.
Whole room:.....
Dm: Are you sure you don't want to cast a spell first or someth...
Cleric: I freakin' jump charge him! (rolls a 1)
Needless to say the room busts out laughing until the bbeg turns the cleric to stone, which is then promptly destroyed by the lava.
Now the dm ruled that all the players spells were discharged at once, mostly blasty type spells and such. In the ensuing divine magic armageddon we were called to roll DC 59 reflex saves to avoid taking what ended up being 54 various types of dice dmg. Two people rolled nat 20's. My friend was deemed to accidentally fall into a pit trap and survived like that. I rolled the other nat twenty and beat the dc as well, so I dodged so well it was decided I plain shifted to the ethereal plane. (I was a monk)
Long I know, but it was a hilarious way to end a long campaign.

[TheSteve]

Our group found a Chalice of Detect Lies.

Problem is, we didn't know how it worked. We could activate it, but we were still figuring out how to know what it meant.

We come across a demon trapped in a seal on the ground, and he offers to draw us a map of the castle we're in. The cleric who was carrying the chalice is sneakily using it on the demon, and it got warm in her hands.

We weren't sure if that meant the demon was lying or not.

As we are debating OOC about our options, the wizard in the party yells
"I'm gay!"

All conversation stops, in and out of game.

"Well, did the cup glow?"
"Why would it? I wasn't using it."
"Oh, well, damn."

[kell the brute]

I recall an interesting event, which likely violated a few rules but was insanely fun. We were a level 2 group fighting a gargantuan black dragon. One player made an entrance (he had been gone previously) with his pets latching onto the dragon, consisting of 2 dogs and a BEAR. The dogs got on the dragons back while the bear pulled on the tail. The owner of said pets than opened a big wound in the dragons leg. My mother, who was playing a druid, sent her badger to tunnel to the dragons liver through the open wound. The rest of the fight was entertaining, but after continuous horrible roles, I went "screw it!" and through the bear. natural 20. by this time, we had a dog ripping of chunks of dragon face, both of its horns were lit up with light spells, and a badger was nearing its liver. The bear did 50 points of damage, ripped off a horn, and gouged out and eye. First, we stabbed the dragon with the horn, then we shot an arrow into the logical part of the brain threw the eye socket. The next thing that happened caught all of us by surprise. The badge my mother sent in exploded out of the dragons chest in an eruption of blood, holding the dragons liver between its teeth. The dragon died instantly. We harvested every scrap of flesh we could from that dragons corpse, down to the part that let it spit acid. We ran from the next monster because it was a demon made of fire.

[Kaww]

I recall an interesting event, which likely violated a few rules but was insanely fun. We were a level 2 group fighting a gargantuan black dragon....

Did you get your DM drunk or did you just play while he was taking a vacation?

GBD has a CR of 20+. He kills your party by looking at it the wrong way. I mean I give my party some hard encounters, but this is imposible even by my standards and I DO kill my players (and they kill themselves)...

They would only get away with it by me not knowing, if they had an urge to play without a DM. They most certainly would not get the 316600 group exp for killing the damn thing. Not to mention the treasure...

DMG does not even offer rewards for this kind of encounter. I made the exp table because there is an obvious progresion and I give hard encounters as said, but this is ludicrous...

Regards!

[Snake-Aes]

Our current group has a star elf bard. When we heard of it one of the guys said "oh man, a bard." and the other said "aaaa an 'star' elf!". "Can't be gayer than that".

Cue second adventure where he uses diplomacy to persuade the innkeeper's son to get some info, with a very bad choice of words.

The running gag is that he's a pedophile, and most discussions between characters end with him saying "you know how that's gonna end with you on your knees, right?"

[Meirnon]

Did you get your DM drunk or did you just play while he was taking a vacation?

GBD has a CR of 20+. He kills your party by looking at it the wrong way. I mean I give my party some hard encounters, but this is imposible even by my standards and I DO kill my players (and they kill themselves)...

They would only get away with it by me not knowing, if they had an urge to play without a DM. They most certainly would not get the 316600 group exp for killing the damn thing. Not to mention the treasure...

DMG does not even offer rewards for this kind of encounter. I made the exp table because there is an obvious progresion and I give hard encounters as said, but this is ludicrous...

Regards!

Oh, shush. He was having fun. It's not like we all haven't done something outside the rules before just for the sake of fun... even if it is something as trivial is mistaking the rules for Haste as getting an extra standard action and making the party casters twice as deadly.

[Bharg]

I think that the gargantuan dragon killed by level 2 characters is the joke.

[Kaww]

I think that the gargantuan dragon killed by level 2 characters is the joke.

Aaah, thank you. I would have missed the punch line of that one...

[Dragero]

Oh, shush. He was having fun. It's not like we all haven't done something outside the rules before just for the sake of fun... even if it is something as trivial is mistaking the rules for Haste as getting an extra standard action and making the party casters twice as deadly.

I let my rogue play as a Colosol Were-Whale......I forgot it was the biggest size.

[TraadosDarksund]

One story I can remember of the top of my head was a campaign to save this small village from a disease getting into there water supply through a cave. The DM gave no clues as to what the disease was. So our party (which consists of Traados: half-drow, half-fiend fighter lvl 1, Trice: Elven ranger lvl 1, and Zorth: human druid lvl 1) came across a diseased victim. I go to a local medicine shop and DEMAND a cure ( succeeding on both a diplomacy and interrogate check on the cleric running the place.) but the cleric says no such cure exists. I tell him to double check before talking back to me again. While he double checks I draw my sword. He says "sir, no such cure is know! Now Lea-- GURK!" before he could finish I ran him through with my sword, and the gaurds soon captured the rest of the party. They said that if we were so determined to find a cure, to go into the cave and find one. The cave leading to the river was used as a salt mine until the disease struck. As we go through the first room, we search the various bodies left there and find gold and platinum. However, Trice found a stone of elemental effect. Zorth, getting greedy, tries to search for more of those. He finds a string leading to a corpes. He pulls it and the body rises up...a salt mummy!!! It knocks Zorth under a mining cart and moves slowly toward Trice and I. We leave Zorth and enter the next room. Zorth apparently prayed to his deity, and the mummy was sent flying into a wall. Zorth gave the both of us a fowl look. Sean (Zorth's player) looks up and asks "can PvP be allowed just once?". The answer of course being no. Lol. later on, Trice accidently stabs out Zorths left eye on a critical failure to kill a Kobold. That unfortunately called for encouraging Sean to play again. He did. He got revenge on me in the next room, there were a group of kobolds in the room and one poured flour all over us. Not being able to see, Zorth made a jaded search check on the room for a barrel. The DM says he found one. He makes a grapple check and pulls up on this "barrel". The DM says I feel pain....cuz Zorth pull up on my armor. He gave me a wedgie...

Nearing the end of the campaign 3 meetings later, we enter an old Crypt. And of COURSE that entails living dead. Skeletons to be precise. I kill on with my tower sheild, turning it to dust...but the skull. It lived. And it continued to attack me until that classic moment "aaagh, I wish I was dead!"...and it happened. I was brought to face a challenge by Nerull, god of death.(thank you, DM!!) After winning the challenge single handedly. I return to life and ask Zorth and Trice "....WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS WHEN I NEEDED YOU!!!". We proceed to the final room. Trice not present (her player was absent), we find writing on the floor in blood, and it warns us "reaaaly bad...stuff lies ahead." so we ignore it. We enter this massive room with a fountain in the middle, with blackened water running into the river. There's some Orc sorcerer up on the top of the fountain, so I roll for a climb check. I get a 20. I go up quickly and attack the Orc. Zorth rolls a 3...so it took two turns while the Orc and I duke it out. (by this part we were All lvl 2) he made it to the top, finally, but the Orc uses his +2 lightning mace and sends zorth flying into the plagued water. He fell sick immediately, rendering him useless. So it's my turn and I decide to shove him into the water. Getting a 19, the Orc fell into the water.....but the lightning mace went with him. I jump off the fountain and land as it explodes. I'm covered in debris and left dying from the infected water.

[mucat]

None of that was funny, and none of that made sense.

[Kaun]

Its funny, but not ha ha funny.

[TraadosDarksund]

None of that was funny, and none of that made sense.

You say that my story wasn't funny, but there are stories posted on here that aren't remotely funny. Yet you make a remark about mine? And thank you Kaun, atleast you see some irony in the story.

[TraadosDarksund]

Another funny story I remembered. My character traados recently acquired the strange urge to decapitate and collect the heads of those whom his party has slain. So in a recent campaign, my DM had us encounter a Beholder as a major encounter. So when we finally killed it, Traados had a puzzled look on his face as to how he would collect this one. After the party had gone on and talked with some other travelers who saw this all go down, the party turns around to see Traados dragging the Beholder. Though the DM had us leave, which meant I could not collect the head.

[Bharg]

That could turn into a bigger problem if you meat a huge or bigger monster and worst case would be a hydra...

[Kaww]

That could turn into a bigger problem if you meat a huge or bigger monster and worst case would be a hydra...

Now that made me laugh...

[TraadosDarksund]

That could turn into a bigger problem if you meat a huge or bigger monster and worst case would be a hydra...

That is true, but as long as one burns the neck after cutting off the head, it doesn't regenerate....or pull an OoTS move. Haha.

[Biomech]

This story is from a game a 4th ed that a friend of mine DMed to test out a setting he was working on.

The Party:
Female Deva Invoker (Me)
Male Dragonborn Paladin
Female Dwarf Shaman
Male Dwarf Warden
Male Changeling Warlock
Male Half-elf Wizard

Our quest was to get inside of an abandoned keep that was seated on the side of a volcano that served as a landmark for the city below it. The keep was once owned by an evil Sorcerer that had held a tyrannical rule over the city for a few years before being overthrown. Our quest involved getting inside the treasure vault and retrieve a piece of a scroll that, when assembled with the other pieces, would reveal a power source that the antagonist of the story wanted for himself.

So, we made it up to the doors of the keep and this situation unfolds.

DM: Alright, you are about halfway up the side of Mt. Pelor and have reached the gates. Black stone tiles mark a path up to the door. You notice that there is a lot of moss growing everywhere along the path, and has completely covered the doors. What do you do?
Wizard: I'll see if there's an arcane lock I can disarm *rolls*
DM: You are thrown back as the door emits an arcane field in response to your attempts.
Wizard: Yeah. There's an arcane lock on it.
*my turn*
Me: Well, we just said the lock was arcane, so I pass.
*paladin's turn*
Paladin: Perception *rolls*
DM: You can see that the moss on the door is very thick and is completely encasing the door.
Paladin: So, how to get rid of it? *thinks for a moment* I taste the moss.
Party:
DM: You lick the moss?
Paladin: Yes
DM: It licks you back. Roll Initiative.
Party:

We fought off a slew of bipedal creatures made entirely of moss for the next encounter.

[Postmodernist]

I DMed a Forgotten Realms game a while back where each of the players had characters somehow affiliated with the court of Cormyr. The plot revolved around a Sembian-sponsored coup which disrupts the kingdom, leaving no apparent heir on the throne, and casting the party into the wilderness to fend for themselves while they try and fix the problem. I assumed this need for collective defense in the face of a common threat would prompt the characters to band together and attempt to overcome the nigh-insurmountable odds they faced.

Boy, was I wrong.

The players (being players) derailed my entire campaign by constantly being at each others throats, thinking each could become the heir to the throne simply by covertly eliminating one another. This never devolved into out and out inter-party conflict, but never missed an opportunity to snipe at each other.

The actual comedy comes in when one character shot another character's toad familiar with a crossbow because of a quarrel (puns!) in the inn they were all hiding out in. The familiar's owner is understandably distraught. Another character, making light of the situation, picks up the poor amphibians remains and dashes downstairs- with the intention of finding a chicken to replace the familiar, whereupon he would claim that a friendly druid has resurrected the poor beast. It was then that I decided to have him encounter the bad guy who had been tracking them. Alone.

I built the tension. This preliminary villain was a priest of Shar, coolly stalking his intended target. Escape seemed impossible. Initiative was rolled. The character won. He then intoned the immortal words, "I throw the dead familiar at him." I, flabbergasted, simply mumbled, "Um. Roll to hit."

Never in my years of role-playing, had I seen an instance of a dead familiar used as a missile weapon, nor have seen one since.

[TraadosDarksund]

Another great story, I had a plan for my character, Traados, to go on a killing spree. Zorth (see first story) thought it would be fun to play with his newly aquired fire ball ability in the room next to mine. I go out into the hall and all I see is a layer of smoke on the ceiling and Zorth jumping down an elevator shaft. I go over to another room, thinking I had time to kill afew people....I didn't see the backdraft. I kicked the door open and I'm engulfed in flames. Thankfully the damage came out to be about 12, so I survived. I make a run to the stairs...backdraft. To my room for the fire escape....backdraft. The only place to go to escape was the elevator shaft. I make a run for it, cause it's all the way across the hall. As I get half way down, the floor begins collapsing from the fire beneath it. I get to the elevator, slide down to the second floor (elevator fell and blocked the first) and ran to the stairs. There, I see Zorth. He asks me "....did you put it out?" I say "yes Zorth, I put out a MASSIVE FIRE ON MY OWN!!!". Zorth walks outside to see if I was telling the truth. As he walks out, the DM tells him to make a reflex save. When he asked why, the DM told him "cuz if you don't you'll be crushed by a 3 ton peice of wall. And if that doesn't KILL YOU, the fire WILL!". Zorth barely made the reflex save (he rolled a 13 and the DC was 15, but the bonus barley got him to 15). We start walking away and this dramatic battle occurs between a pissed off inn keeper and my party.

[Lycan 01]

He then intoned the immortal words, "I throw the dead familiar at him." I, flabbergasted, simply mumbled, "Um. Roll to hit."

Never in my years of role-playing, had I seen an instance of a dead familiar used as a missile weapon, nor have seen one since.

Please tell me he passed and smacked the guy in the face with a frog on a stick. And then please tell me it actually did noteworthy damage.

[Gravious]

Ooookay. Here's one from not too long ago.

We were a party of 3 traveling through uncharted wilderness to leave a small village for a Metropolis. We came across a small hut with a little old man sitting in front of it.

Me (A Sorcerer with Perform: Sing as one of my skills): We ask him the way to the city.

DM (As the man): "It's 5 days' walk to the city, with many dangers on the road. But for a price, I can show you a faster way."

We check our provisions and it turns out we only had rations for 2 days' march.

Friend A (Dwarf Barbarian duel wielding spiked hammers.): I try to intimidate him. (rolls a natural 20)

DM: The man staggers backwards a few steps then says shakily "Of course I'll how you. No charge, no charge." He then pulls back some foliage to reveal a teleportation ring.

Friend B (A human cleric): We go through the teleportation ring.

DM: you find yourself in a cold hall. There are no torches, but the stairs a short way ahead of you are illuminated by light pouring around the trap door at their top. (Rolls) Player A, you recognize the masonry as Dwarven stonework, and very old at that.

Friend B: We open the trapdoor.

DM: you find yourself in a well-lit room. It appears to be some kind of storage room. 2 guards near the door are startled as you approach, then one of them says, "Halt! Are you friend or foe?"

Me: I say, "We are allies. Is this the metropolis I have heard of?"

DM (As the guard): "This could be called a metropolis, yes. You will need to show some kind of indication that you are not spies until we let you into the city."

Me: ...we rap about pirates. (To be truthful, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.)

DM: Roll for Perform: Sing. (I roll. Just below the DC) The guard says (suspicious voice), "A likely story."

The Cleric did some fast talking about his gods and managed to get us into the city, but that was how we made our majestic enterance into the game.



Some time later, we tried to use the same teleportation rings to get back (I had some unfinished business in the village) but a Dwarf was blocking our enterance.

DM (As the Dwarf): "Halt! You are on the Admiral's turf now!!" You notice that there are several tubes connected to the ring behind the Dwarf filled with bubbling liquid, each more vile than the last.

Me: "We have come to use the teleporters. Please, let us past."

DM (Dwarf): "The teleporters? No! the Admiral's experiment shall be complete!"

Friend A: I try to intimidate him. (Rolls)

(A decent roll)

DM (Dwarf): "I shall not move."

Friend A: I attack!

Me: "WAIT!"

DM: You are now in combat with the Dwarven Guard.

We easily defeat him, and 2 more guards.

DM: There seem to be many Dwarves at work here. One of them seems to be in charge of them all. None of them seem to have noticed you... yet.

Me: We can sneak through them. Let's take their uniforms!

DM: You are now in the Dwarven uniforms. As you enter the larger space, the Overseer says, "You 3! Guards! Get back to work!"

(I gather the group together, except the DM. Everyone agrees with my plan.)

Me: I begin to rap about pirates.

DM: *Jaw hits table* Okay... roll for Perform: Sing.

Me: *Rolls natural 20*

DM: The Dwarves have never heard of rap or even pirates, but they think it is kind of catchy and slowly begin to sing along. Eventually the whole cave full of Dwarves is rapping about pirates.

Unfortunately we had to wrap that session up there, and I couldn't make it to the next one.

When I asked Friend B what had happened while I was out, he responded with a very clear "we had to find a unicorn horn to prevent attack which Friend A and I tried to do, but no matter what we did we couldn't find it so I made myself the leader of the Metropolis guard and killed this guy."

I asked him to clarify and he said, "We had to kill the Admiral to take his stuff. Also I killed a shady trader with Perform: Comedy and killed this happy-go-lucky guy."


EDIT: He just told me that he rolled a natural 20 and the poor guy's lungs imploded from the hilarity

[Lycan 01]

My Half-Orc Bard will have to rap about pirates next time he finds himself in a pickle. I don't think that would suit my Chaotic Evil Gnome Rogue or my Gandalf-based Human Wizard...

[Postmodernist]

Please tell me he passed and smacked the guy in the face with a frog on a stick. And then please tell me it actually did noteworthy damage.

As I recall, it hit, but I ruled it as a daze effect. I still consider this the only appropriate response.

[Gravious]

Nother story. (Well, maybe not really a story.) Same characters.

We had just reached the Metropolis.

Me: How much money do I have?

DM: 207 GP.

Me: I find the nearest spell components store and get the components required for creating a familiar.

DM: That's 100 GP. What type of familiar do you want?

Me: Well, I want something that can fly. But what if Player A (The Dwarven Barbarian) can't tank for me? I want something with an awesome Grapple modifier.

DM: Well, the creature with the best grapple modifier is a Python I think.

Me: Drat, I want a flying python.

DM: *grabs my bag of chips* Sure, you can do that.

[Hironomus]

Our attempts at serious roleplay always seem to descend into hilarious scenarios, as far as I can see. One particular incident that I remember is as follows.
Our party was on an airship and had just come under attackby an enemy airship. A boarding party was teleporting (or flying. I don't remember) across and we were being bombarded by the other ship.
This situation wasn't too bad for most of the group but for myself, a paladin of bahamut and another player playing a rather hot headed dwarf fighter it was a frustrating battle. basically various factors conspired against us and meant that every couple of rounds or so we would be almost unable to keep our balance due to our heavy armour and we would fall prone to the deck. It was a lengthy battle and so I eventually resorted to spending some time removing my armour. my dwarven friend however was reluctant to do this (he was probably naked under his armour) and so during a brief reprieve between waves of attack he called us all together to outline a plan.
He proposed that we take raw materials from around the ship including a heavy war ballista and a broken chair and construct a makeshift 'dwarf canon' which would then be pointed at the enemy ship and used to propel the fighter directly into the enemy midst.
There was a brief moment of silence, then astonishingly everyone agreed to help him in his crazy plan.
our DM watched in horror as we loaded the dwarf onto the ballista and aimed him at the other airship.
needless to say the plan worked perfectly. The dwarf landed on the enemy deck with an acceptable number of hitpoints remaining (he was pretty tough) and caused chaos on their deck, while the rest of us piloted the, now unharrassed ship to a safe boarding position.

[UndeadCleric]

My friend's story about explosions:

So, our party was raiding a mine to try and save our friend. I snuck into the mining town (I was a rogue at the time) and went into the mine. At some point, I heard guards coming and decided to set up a trap, involving explosions. While carrying aroud 20 alchemists fires and other explosives.

Then I rolled a 1. And the whole town exploded, collapsing the mine and killing our friends, along with me of course. The two remaining party members raided the town, finding lots of money and magical weaponry.

They then went to a large dwarven city, inside a mountain, and resurrected my friend and I. We started a cult/religion based on playing the banjo incessantly and giving us lots of money. We then bought a crap load of explosives and blew up the entire city.

I ended up escaping and running down the crumbling mountainside, dodging boulders and rocks the whole time. I was lucky to survive, and decided to go to a large elven city to revive my friends and continue the explosive end to the camaign. At that point, the gods were pretty pissed, and decided throwing lightning at us would probably stop our rampage. I luckily dodged one of the lightning bolts, and somehow survived. Then I exploded epicly.