Funny D&D Stories

[some_other_dave]

These didn't happen to me, but when I read them I laughed until I cried....

http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html

-soD

[Shai'Hulud]

One day a bunch of my friends and I got together to play. Our DM decided to let one of the players play a gargoyle archer. After we had left town we ran into a wyvern. The gargoyle archer proceeded to fly up and shoot at it while the rest of the party, except the one guy who failed his spot check proceeded to stop and follow suit. After a couple rounds a shot from the gargoyle killed the wyvern which fell on the rest of the party, everyone but the gargoyle and the person who failed their spot check was killed by the falling damage from the wyvern.

[Silence]

Ok, so I'm an 18th level palidin in charge of Earth's last line of defense against billions of raging creatures. I have millions of men, women, and children that will die if I fail. I have dozens of four mile long walls manned with thousands of archers. Hell, I have a demigod (a very weak one). I mean, this is serious. Were talking so much magic, that my wizards actually created a magical sentient entity to fight for us.

Anyway, normal stuff. First round of combat, DM rolls a D100 on his laptop. Perfect 100. This means one of the magical traps misfired and hit me. Rolls a crit, and kills me instantly. My body was thrown into the horde of enemies, so it couldn't be raised.

1st round of combat on what was supposed to be a five hour gaming session.

[EndlessWrath]

So... my first adventure... My buddy made us random preset level 1 characters for his dungeon. I got the halfling rogue (Damien). My buddy the gnome bard( Phineus). and my other buddy the Dwarven Cleric (Rom). (these characters are the only important ones to the story.)

So anyways... We did about 2 hours of just fighting and going through the dungeon. We had a minesweeper esque game... which we cheated at since my bro had to go to bed...we just used his character (ranger) to set off all the mines .

We got to camp...everyone was low hp. So we ask the cleric to use the rest of his spells to heal us. Our gnome bard decided to play a song during all of this with his fife. His perform check was 6... DC 10. .. The Cleric failed EVERY concentration check...and blew away all his spells in which he only healed one of us... out of 6 players... all cause our bard continued the joke for 20 minutes. He blew 7 spells...

Needless to say..we almost killed the bard, Good thing our half-paralyzed ranger could still use his heal skill to sustain him till the next day

Greatest game ever.

[cn69]

This was ages ago, but here it goes...
I was at a party, and we decided to play. The classes (and players) were as follows.
Zach (brother)-DM
Corey- Sorcerer, half-elf
Me- Cleric, elf (the only elf I have ever played)
Joe- Monk, human

and Cody. Cody, the eldest of all of us, decided to play a half-orc barbarian, the source of many a funny D&D story. But Bludgeon, the character, was more than a little....bizarre. Well, not bizarre, HILARIOUS. Examples? I have several.

The adventure began on a dock. Things didn't get interesting until we were on the boat, though. The boat was attacked by two giant sharks, which were attacking in tandem. As the only character with a ranged attack was the sorcerer, we were pretty hooped. However, Bludgeon thought differently. He figured that if one shark could be hit only once, both would be vulnerable.

He was right. He climbed a mast and readied to punch a shark. In the face.
And guess what he rolled. Go on. Right, 20. He clobbered the shark with a strength 20 hit, and managed, by a fluke of the d%, got the shark to land on the deck of the ship. As we beat its bruised body further, Bludgeon preempted
a grapple on the second shark, and rolled an 18 as it leapt out for a bite.
It rolled a 2. It was killed by five adventurers, level 1, in two rounds.
Needlessly to say, we ate a LOT of shark that night. Bludgeon ate most of it, though. But that's not all.

Later on, back inland, we were wandering into a huge (read:captial) city, which had heard about our earlier adventures (killing a band of pirates and two infamous sharks). Bludgeon, of course, was very popular. So popular, in fact, that an assassin was hired by a gang of bandits to take him down. Bludgeon heard him coming (something like a 17 listen check) and readied himself. The shark itself was gurgling within his gut, and the fire wine he drank didn't help matters. He bent over.
Before the halfling assailant could even grunt, a gaseous blast was let loose.
In case you misread, BLUDGEON KNOCKED OUT A GUY WITH A FART.
My brother, the DM, allowed it, as Bludgeon was a BIG half-orc with shark and dwarven wine in its gut, and the killer WAS only a halfling. Bludgeon got away without injury. The halfling was never seen again.

Shortly afterward, Bludgeon was bitten by the bug to go get a mount. But the only place nearby was a ranch full of cows. He took one.
However, the town's main export was cattle, and the ranch was closely guarded. Bludgeon snuck in unseen, but got spotted on the way out. After failing a bluff, he negotiates a hide check with my brother. Yes, a hide check to hide the cow. AND GUESS WHAT HE FREAKING ROLLED. TWENTY.
Since it meant instant success, the biggest cow on the ranch was taken and hidden by a lone half-orc. Cody, bludgeon's player, even switched dice to roll that twenty. It didn't matter which die it was, becaue he continued to land a critical hit for almost every attack throughtout the whole 6-hour campaign.

As for something NOT involving him, here's something with me and my brother (same game). I am a big fan of loot, equipment in particular. My brother is the antitheseis of this, avoiding as much stuff as possible. The final reward for the whole 6 hour campaign?

A suit of elven chain. There were five of us.

I may post again later regarding my AD&D campaign (which is stll ongoing).

[Wolfpacker]

Ahh, I was the DM of the game with Bludgeon. Good times...

A story I have to share is a more recent one. I'll share the team with you first.

'The Goblin'- Former slave, has no name, and has a tendency to use 'strategy', which equates to using lightning bolts at every opportunity.

'The Minotaur'- Had a name, I just forgot it. :P Black Minotaur, huge ego, and has a sense of honour, as black Minotaurs are supposed to be brave and noble.

'The Wolfen'- Forgot his name too. :P Had an unusual tendency to get us in trouble, and ALWAYS by his howling.

'Adion'- My human fighter. Think 'Berserker' from Soul Calibur II, if he was disguising himself as 'Assassin'.


The story begins in a Minotaur town. The Goblin and the Wolfen and I were going to a secret little brotherhood, to hire our services for gold. However, the fun begins when I notice that the black Minotaur has sent one of his cronies to follow us through the alleys. I stop to...negotiate. He walks past me, and as he does, I whisper, "Stop following us." This naturally pisses him off, and a brawl breaks out. He tries using his sword, but I simply used my fists, and he was down, surprising everyone, in three consecutive punches. His black Minotaur boss and another henchman are walking down the alley after the meeting (I heard them coming, anyway), so I have a bit of fun. I walk past them before they find his body, and I tell them, "Take good care of him.". They find his body, and take me to the stockade.

Later on, the black Minotaur comes into my cell, alone. As he begins to interrogate me (with several harsh blows to the face), I take note of my shackles: they only held my wrists. So, as he leaned into my face to ask me what I was up to, I offered my answer: I headbutted him, and a sissy melee commenced. I was outmatched, as he had HUGE armour on, and an even bigger axe. But luck was with me, as his honour kept it as a physical brawl. An eternity of missed punches later, and by now, the Minotaur was MAD. He was going to draw his axe next turn, and I was probably going to find myself lacking an arm or two. The dice gods gave me a shrug as I rolled for my brawl.

The dice stopped quickly on SALVATION! I rolled a natural 20, meaning that a HUMAN FIGHTER layed a MINOTAUR KNIGHT on his ass. On a glory streak, I called in the guards from outside. They rushed in and beat me to a pulp, and I found myself in a MUCH deeper cell, late at night.

I was not amused.

[Natania]

there's this one time that sticks out in my mind.
I had to start a new char because my last one had died within a grand total of 2 minutes
anyway I was playing a beguiler and decided to test my abilities on one of my fellow adventurers so when he wanted to use the bathroom he could choose between two doors one that actually led to the bathroom or the other which led to the dump I kept my orc servants in which also had a toilet but it was disgusting. Anyway I talked him into using the orc one by telling him that a huge golden dragon lived in the other.
That was pretty cool untill he got so mad he chopped my magical table in two. For the rest of that story he had to pay me 20.000 gp which he never did because I died the next session.

[Beholder1995]

In my very first campaign with my group, I started them out in a tavern. No surprise there. But I went as far as to make a battle grid for the tavern, just for fun. The first thing our Orc Barbarian does is start chugging as much beer as he can, egged on by our Ranger. Finally, the Orc lunges across the bar, in a rage now, and begins smashing in the heads of every NPC he can find. After all the NPCs, short of the barkeep, are dead, he and the ranger start singing a drinking song. The orc calls over the terrified barkeep, and as the police close in on the tavern, the orc pukes all over the guy and passes out.

It was a LONG session after that.

[black dragoon]

...O.o

Anyway here's my contribution.

It was a D20 modern campaign well really a one-shot I was DMing at my party. I am no stranger to inter-party conflict and was in truth expecting a little. The 'party' consisted of three people. Two players who have a good habit of roleplaying partners in some crime or another and a rather beaten down and down trodden cop....If you can't see what's going to happen next leave now.
As it was I tend to mix a little fantasy into my modern and involved a thing where One party member our normally silent pickpocket could see the dead. They had broken into a mall and were trying to 'more evenly distribute the wealth' As it was I had mentioned that a man had recently committed suicide here. Player B our pickpockety fellow sees the ghost of this poor fellow and is utterly perplexed as he watches him leap from the balcony of second story of the mall multiple times. Nothing he seems to do stops this guy and as such chalks it up to a hallucination. They are almost out when B hears screams and watches as an armored figure chases down our poor ghost and runs him through. Player A has no idea this has happened. B tries to warn A and ends up drawing our rather fearsome ghost. He proceeds to attempt to fight it.
A watches in perplexed horror as a shadowy thing repeatedly causes his brother to bleed from the various slashes of a BFS.
They manage to escape and proceed to torment player C our down trodden cop. The supernatural is quickly brushed out of the players minds till they unintentionally kill C. Now normally I would call him dead but since this poor beat up and repeatedly mugged fellow had just been hit by a car...again. I decided to let him have some fun. I let him be a poltergeist for around fifteen minutes pushing B the poor fellow already shaken up after being attacked by ghost into insanity as C threw things around the room caused it to shake and create other unpleasant phenomenon. Then via Dues Ex Machina return to his body after A called the ambulance and returned to find his terrified brother. They did not mess C after that.

[one who teases]

...O.o

Anyway here's my contribution.

It was a D20 modern campaign well really a one-shot I was DMing at my party. I am no stranger to inter-party conflict and was in truth expecting a little. The 'party' consisted of three people. Two players who have a good habit of roleplaying partners in some crime or another and a rather beaten down and down trodden cop....If you can't see what's going to happen next leave now.
As it was I tend to mix a little fantasy into my modern and involved a thing where One party member our normally silent pickpocket could see the dead. They had broken into a mall and were trying to 'more evenly distribute the wealth' As it was I had mentioned that a man had recently committed suicide here. Player B our pickpockety fellow sees the ghost of this poor fellow and is utterly perplexed as he watches him leap from the balcony of second story of the mall multiple times. Nothing he seems to do stops this guy and as such chalks it up to a hallucination. They are almost out when B hears screams and watches as an armored figure chases down our poor ghost and runs him through. Player A has no idea this has happened. B tries to warn A and ends up drawing our rather fearsome ghost. He proceeds to attempt to fight it.
A watches in perplexed horror as a shadowy thing repeatedly causes his brother to bleed from the various slashes of a BFS.
They manage to escape and proceed to torment player C our down trodden cop. The supernatural is quickly brushed out of the players minds till they unintentionally kill C. Now normally I would call him dead but since this poor beat up and repeatedly mugged fellow had just been hit by a car...again. I decided to let him have some fun. I let him be a poltergeist for around fifteen minutes pushing B the poor fellow already shaken up after being attacked by ghost into insanity as C threw things around the room caused it to shake and create other unpleasant phenomenon. Then via Dues Ex Machina return to his body after A called the ambulance and returned to find his terrified brother. They did not mess C after that.

Hey u forgot when i almost shoot my foot with a composite longbow in the other time we played

i am character c btw

[black dragoon]

That was just D20 modern I need to remember some other odd ones. Like the time I was lizardman and staked a place out while surviving off a thug I had recently killed. It's an ongoing joke that this character eats people and in truth he's killed a good many with a simple bite and then hunkered down and had 'lunch' after the battle.

The lizard man is me by the way.

[Calinero]

Heh....I've got a good one.

Me and four friends of mine began a relatively basic campaign (my first, actually) in a tavern. Original, I know...anyways, I forget the specifics, but all you need to know is that one of the characters was a rogue. While we were in the bar, the DM began describing who he saw to us.

DM: You see a few people drinking, nothing special...but at the bar, you see a man with green skin, and a tattoo on his shoulder....

About three people: TURGON!!!!

Allow me to tell the Saga of Turgon:

Turgon is a character a friend of mine has played in several campaigns, and is essentially epic. Due to a series of adventures, he is made of metal. He was a bard, I believe....and unless I recall incorrectly, he ate metal. Had many awesome adventures. Anyways:

We get into a drinking contest with Turgon, and lose quite badly. The rogue character decides to be sneaky.

Rogue: I want to pick Turgon's pocket.
DM: Um, he's wearing a loincloth.
Rogue: He has to have somewhere to keep stuff! I'll pick it.
DM: Fine, there's a flap...or something....make your roll.
*gets a decent roll*
DM: You reach into his loincloth.
Me: I ask him why he's making sexual advances on the inebriated Turgon.
DM: Shut up. ANYWAYS: you reach in, and feel something. It's kind of hard. When you pull it out, it looks like an oddly shaped green stick.
Rogue: I put it in my pack.
Party dwarf: Wait, let's see what it is!
*we take it to the table and begin investigating it*
*we use things like geology, appraise, ect.*
DM: All right....it is extremely hard, and smells very bad.
*guessing continues until....*
DM: Fine. You know what it is? It's his crap. You reached into his loincloth, and pulled out his crap. He eats metal, so the crap is made of metal.
*shocked silence*
Thief: .....what kind of metal?
DM: ...what?
Thief: What kind of metal is it?
DM: You don't know what kind of metal it is.
Dwarf: Let's take it to a blacksmith!
*we do. we pay the blacksmith to smelt the metal, remove the...erm...impurities*
Blacksmith: *is totally stunned* I have never seen /anything/ like this in my life.
Me: What is it?
Blacksmith: This is more starmetal than I have ever seen in one place before.
Party:......starmetal?
Blacksmith: Yeah, starmetal. There's trace amounts of starmetal in that sample you gave me. Should be worth a fair price.
Me: That's....um....awesome.
Blacksmith: One thing, though. When I smelted the sample, the most gods-awful smell filled the room. What was it?
Party: Um....a rock. From a volcano.
*successful bluff roll*

The DM later tried to justify this to us. Apparently, Turgon has eaten starmetal before...we ended up selling it for....I don't even remember how much. 200s? Dunno. It was the most profitable crap I have ever seen.

[loves_to_laugh]

This was one of the few times my party made a plan. And was executed perfectly.

We climbed a set of stairs to see a door. One of us peeks into the room and finds about 15 goblins and then closes the door. Our plan goes as followed, I (the druid) cast ice storm into the room and then close the door. We all go down the stairs quickly to set the trap. 2 people are holding a spike chain across the steps to trip them, then 2 others are standing at the bottom ready to shoot them with bows, and if somehow they managed to get past that, our fighter was waiting to chop up the remainders.

The few who actually survived the ice storm never made it to the bottom. It is still the best executed plan EVER.

[Wolfpacker]

My most recent campaign has me DM'ing again (A rare sight, believe me), and we have two party members. Here's the team:

Curtis plays K'Thunk, the stereotypical half-orc barbarian...however, K'Thunk is actually surprisingly bright (for a half-orc), and is prone to quite insightful moments. Needless to say, a lot of shopkeeps and bartenders are a bit surprised by his comments.

Conor plays Cecilia Stonewrought, a female dwarf fighter. Our little group gets much enjoyment out of double entendres involving the character's endowment. She can be a bit incomprehensible due to a thick irish accent. She also owns K'Thunk's old pet pony, Ponypony. Yeah, K'Thunk is none too original with names.

Early on in the campaign, the two were met with a gigantic chasm. Now, this was before the two had set up their 'climbing system' (read: K'Thunk climbs down, Cecilia jumps for the nearest ledge because she can't climb OR jump for crap), and so Cecilia did the first thing that came to her: Climb to a small ledge about ten feet down. However, her heavy scale mail lead to her simply slipping and falling. I decided, since the campaign had barely started, to be reasonable, and she crash-landed on a ledge about twenty feet down. She crashed and burned, and was swearing like a sailor until K'Thunk managed to climb down. Then she swore a bit more, and they continued down.

Later, Cecilia remembered she had a bag of holding. You can occupy a bag of holding for two minutes, and any falling damage it might take doesn't affect the 'passenger'.

And that, my friends, is how the climbing system was invented. :)

[cn69]

In the same AD&D campaign mentioned above (the Minotaur's name was Jordanus, by the way), the wolfen was mentioned to have horrible luck with his howling. By this, we mean that whenever he attempted to accomplish something by howling, something very bad would happen. Several examples exist, most notably:

the first 'successful' howl was executed at a goblin outpost in the middle of nowhere, on the way to the goblin capital of splinteredhead. The howl was returned by a much more sinister one, and hours later, in the chill of the night.... ghost wolves appeared. Well, more like spectres, but either way they hungered for living flesh. The clincher?
They thought the wolfen was leading them to the food. The wolfen was forced to stall for time (as everyone inside was unaware of what was transpiring). Of course, it eventually came to blows, and the wolves were way too tough for a single wolfen (BARD, I might add) to take on.
We were holed up inside well into the wee hours of the morning. Needless to say, we were all very cranky.

The second incident occured on the road, and our caravan was accosted by a tribe of wolfen, which coincidentally (and very luckily) happened to be the same tribe as our wolfen. However, OUR wolfen acted rudely (in wolfen terms) and we were challenged in typical wolfen fashion: to he death.
We hid in trees and threw rocks, arrows and lightning bolts (my goblin). From about midday to early morning. This wolfen bard lost us a lot of sleep.

As a side note, the bard never ever sang well at all. The human merc, on the other hand, almost always 'critted' his singing rolls on the fly, leading to a lot of humiliation for the near-useless bard.

[Wolfpacker]

Alright, here's another from the AD&D campaign. My first character, Adion, died, so he was replaced with my half-orc pirate, 'Uffk'. He struck up a quick friendship with the characters when a riot began (goblin riot in splinteredhead= goblins running around asking for money), because wolfen took the city under siege. A pair of saboteurs came in, and turned invisible, causing a serious cafuffle. Uffk had to save his friends, and so did this: Ran into town square (He saw a bit of dust kick up there), and SPIN IN CIRCLES WITH HIS FISTS EXTENDED. Now, this strategy didn't seem to work, until, he rolled a 20 at one point. BLAM. One wolfen out for the count.

The second wolfen somehow got a giant cloud of dust up, so Uffk ran over, and repeated the process. two 20's BLAM BLAM. The other wolfen went down.

However, it had been several rounds after the first one went down, and we had no idea where they were now, since they din't reappear. So, we had to let them go.


Another story once again involves Adion. Above, I mentioned how I was placed in a jail cell. Well, he was a very strong fellow, and so he beagn to pull himself up to rip himself free from the metal shackles (the minotaurs hung him upside down). Here is a fairly accurate transcript of the events.

Me: Okay, I'm gonna pull myself up to rip myself free.

Mr.X (DM): Alright, go for it.

Me: One...(I actually move my body back and forth in my chair to represent his actions)

Me: TWO--
*BANG HEAD AGAINST A DESK BEHIND ME*

Everyone: HAHAHAHA!!

Mr.X: *sorely tempted to roll to check if Adion hit his head *


Well, he rips himself free, and sneaks to the corner of the room, and waits for Jordanus (the black minotaur who got his butt handed to him by Adion). When he eventually shows up and pokes his head into the cell, Adion grabs him and tries to threaten him into releasing him. One whistle later, Adion finds himself subject to another ass whuppin' by the guards, and is strapped back in place, with more sturdy shackles.

I was not amused.

[Vizen]

Hokay, lets see how much of this I can remember..It was from ages ago..

I was DMing a game once and my PC's were on this quest to stop a bunch of Kobolds from raiding the nearby town, they found the lair, and were fighting their way down when they encountered a room with just a bit TOO much Kobolds for them to handle (they were only level 1, okay? >.>), but one of my PC's had this smart idea to cast an illusion of a sexy, sexy, female kobold. It worked on about 3/4ths of the room, and they dispatched the ones that weren't distracted easily enough, and continued on down.

They found the leader of these kobolds in the last room, yelling out about some stuff, and wielding whatever his weapon was in one hand, and some odd jar in the other hand. Eventually my PC's got to, and killed, the leader and examined this jar, expecting to find something really valuable, or just plain useful, it turned out to be a jar of hemorrhoid cream, much to the PC who picked it up's disgust.

[killmaster666]

In a campaign we just started and due to a storm had to end fairly quickly so the whole session consisted of us finding a way into the ruined keep and fighting 8 4hp goblins (not hard for 4 lvl 6's).

im a human bard we have a human female fighter a halfling rogue and a human druid now we have snuck past about 100 goblins at this point when the rogue says screw it and walks directly beside a small group of them looks over and say sup?

only the one he was directly beside heard or saw him and the way the dm

described his reaction was absolutly priceless.
this poor goblin had no idea how someone could have gotten this far into there camp and had no idea what to do.

it's shock was sent even further when the druids wolf walked up behind it and nudged it in the back.

the best way we could describe it was the goblin turned around its eyes bulged out it's mouth fell open and it's open mouth provided a excelent exit wound for the rogues dagger.

as the goblin crumpled very very dead to the ground one of the other goblins spotted us.

i should state me and the fighter were trying not to laugh leaning back against a wall in obvious torchlight watching all this play out and untill the wolf fumbled an attack and all the others spotted us.

then the fighter rushed in and hit one for about 68 damage when everything was said and done as i said earlier they had 4 hp each, the thing exploded covering them in goblin guts.

I spotted one last goblin gaurding a cage of humans that hadn't noticed us yet so i picked him off with a cross bow.

we picked the corpses clean except the one who has exploded then we had to call it quits for the night because it was storming out and they had to leave or else get stuck at my house until the snow let up.

[killmaster666]

another thing i like is to make characters that don't really work with the class race combo.

my personal favourite is the gnome barbarian, one campaign we did where i was my character mentioned above we found a strange box about 1.5 feet long and a foot wide and we couldnt open it.

the only cluses we had was a small hole in the front kinda like a keyhole and the riddle that which brings life will give death, now my genious friends figured this meant the box had some powerful magic item in it {Scrubbed}

so we found some passed out drunk guy and figured screw it lets try one of his fingers in the hole so they put it in the hole and when they pulled it out the finger wasnt there but there was no wound.

now i think we were all chaotic neutral so we didn't really care and stuck the rest of his hand in somhow the hole seemed to allow things much larger through and eventually we had stuffed 8 whole bodies in.

thats when the box poped open our fighter immidietly poped the top off and stuck his hand right in(the idiot) well he pulled back a stump my other friend and his brother were playing brother characters one of them walked forward and said screw it im looking inside he stuffed his head in the box as his headless corpse immidietly fell to the ground so the guy with one hand stuffed the rest of the body in screaming you have no brother to the other guy.

he immidetly jumped in after him then it was only my gnome and the one handed fighter staring at each other when i looked up and said were going in the box aint we? he said yes and then we climbed in. it was fairly dark but we found our friends body walking around with his head yelling at it to go to the left the fighters hand regrew and we say the hand that had fell off lying to the side and it was a skelal but it was still crawling around (he had that damn thing for a long time afterwards he threw it at people and it would claw there eyes well he cut them in half with his greatsword) which he immidietly pocketed.

anyway after everyone was reassembled(excluding all the people we stuffed in in the first place who were lying around missing various body parts screaming vengence at us) we looked around for a way out we found a wall with much the same riddle as was on the box. we had figured out at this point it was refering to blood so we each gave a small bit of blood and the wall parted.....revealing about a million skelitons all of whom immideitly turned and looked at us.

we figured we were screwed but any damage done to anyone in this weird box thing was instantly healed so we just ran our ass off for this big white light at the end of the room.

once we ran into it we were spit out of the box we all looked at each other and said what the hell just happened we looked back at the box and saw the skelitons starting to come out after us so we slammed the lid shut but they just opened it and kept comeing so we just booked it.

we found a wizard and bought a very quick teleport spell to some other random town about an hour later we were finishing our resupplying and bar hopping when we heard a rumour that the town we had left no longer existed and was now just a pile off ash.

all of a sudden there is this huge commotion off to the side we all look and see the army of the undead coming at the town we were now in long story short ther very thougholy overran the town and we were trapped into some underground tunnels with about 300 npc's forming a resistance.

for some reaosn our campaign just died there and we never got to finish but another campaign we did about a year latter started us as 4 of the npc's in the tunnel resistance with out old characters the dm had kept leading us into battle.

we took the first off turn we could find and got the hell out of there before the fighting started we heard a bar rumour later in the campaign about the village being owned by the undead who prominitly desplayed the corpses of 4 dead adventureers (the dm latter explained that since we released them they were magneticly attracted to us and once we were dead they had no further commands so they just stayed put)

[Grail]

Running RHoD the other week the group were in the sunken city of Rhest fighting some Hobgoblins and a couple lizardmen on a tower. The Sorcerer/Favoured Soul starts to climb up to the top of the tower, but falls hits the platform below and then falls into the water. What happened next was astonishing.

A Lizardman that the Gnome had thrown into the water grapples the drowning character and starts to drag her under. The only character still down on the lower platform is the Shadowbane Stalker (who uses a Rapier and a Musket). He watches the Sorcerer struggle for a couple rounds, waiting patiently and readying an action to shoot the Lizarman if he surfaces. Problem is, he doesn't. He is still grappling the Sorcerer who by now is starting to get close to drowning.

The rest of the group are on top of the tower fighting valiantly (if not poorly).

Then the Stalker has a great idea. He puts down his musket and draws some rope and throws it into the water. The Sorcerer has now thrown off her assailant, sees the rope and tries to drag herself up, but the Lizarman lurches above the water, grabs her and drags her back under. She lets go of the rope again.

The Stalker curses that he put down the gun, so he now drops the rope and picks up the gun with readied action again.

Meanwhile, the characters ontop of the tower have won the fight. They all look down and decide that 5-10' under water isn't a good place for them, so they all stand around watching the Sorceress drown.

The Druid, wildshaped into a Bear, says stuff this, and jumps from the top of the tower into the water to try and save her, but with abysmal rolling he starts to drown himself.

Meanwhile the rest of the group have gathered on the bottom platform and are watching mere feet away from the Sorceress drown, and being slowly clawed and bitten by the Lizardman.

The Bear/Druid makes a swim check, heads back to the platform and is hauled to safety by the rest of the group.

The Sorceress meanwhile succumbs to her wounds and the Lizardman swims off with his catch.

[dralasite]

One of my friend (while alone IC) found a magic cristal in a secluded cave (This cristal was known to predict the future). He looked into the cristal, saw himself grabbing the cristal and then immediately crushed to death by a cave-in.

What did he do?

He grabbed the cristal and tried to run out of the cave...

He got crushed to death by the cave-in.

We all stared at him, totally mute with incredulity: he told us "but I wanted to outrun the cave-in!".

At least that cristal divined the future reliably!

[Grail]

And I thought that I'd post this one as well, even though it is SLA Industries and not D&D, because it's so funny.

In SLA Industries, there is a skill called "Flexible Weapon" for chain styled weapons, but in the 1e printing of the rules, there were no actual weapons in the equipment list that could be used with it.

Anyway, the characters are tracking down a Serial Killer who has fled into a Red-Light district of Lower Downtown. The characters begin to investigate, splittng up. Dice Crimson (Human Kick Murder, like an Assassin), enters a sex shop. He starts asking the people in there if they've seen the killer.

Then he just stops, and the player (Owen, one of the writers of Dark Heresy actually), and quite funnily pretends to pick something up... "Does this count as a flexible weapon?" he asks deadpan serious.

The game is called to a halt for a couple minutes whilst people get their faculties back together.

[mathemagician]

We were crawling about a dungeon, minding our own business, when this beautiful girl shows up. One of our party members decides to follow her down some dark corridor. We never saw him again. What we did see, after the session was over, was the notes passed between that player and the GM:

Player: "I continue to follow her."
DM: "She turns around and removes her hood, she has snakes for hair! She has turned you to stone." (we assume there was some dice rolling in there)
Player: "What!?"
DM: "You are a rock."
Player: "What can I do?"
DM: "Rocks can only wait."

[three08]

the following takes place in the pathfinder rpg rise of the runelords campaign. spoilered for - well, for spoilers:

Spoiler

Show

We're a level 2 party of 5 - a rogue, a ranger/fighter, an wizard, a bard and a cleric. the rogue and bard are humans, the ranger/fighter is a half-elf, the wizard is a full elf, and i'm a half-orc cleric. (in pathfinder half-orcs get +2 str +2 wis -2 int.) our objective is to attack this goblin fort that's on a small island which can't be approached from the shore - the only entrance is a rope bridge that goes straight to the top of the island. the cliffs around it are unclimbable, for reasons which are immaterial to the story at hand.

course the mainland side of this rope bridge is inside a briar fort sized for small creatures, so in lieu of a druid, we have to fight our way through that. we have no rogue either, because the player couldn't come and forgot to leave us his character sheet. so, a bunch of sucky dead goblins later we come to the leader of the briar fort, a goblin druid. (shocking, eh?) it's a tough fight, because his class features let him walk through the walls, but eventually he goes down. there's a bunch of sell loot on him, including some sort of wand which our wizard is unable to identify and two potions of tree shape.

i snickered at that. what a useful spell, i thought to myself sarcastically.

so, we go to the rope bridge. it's 60' across over an 80' drop into the sea. i wonder if it's booby-trapped or something maybe? so i grab ahold of one end of my 100' of silk rope, the half-elf takes the other end and crosses. he makes it across and searches around for the trap mechanism. he finds a lever, so we figure, well it's probably okay as long as he can stop people getting to the lever. he stands on his end to hold the rope while the rest of us cross. the wizard starts across, and is halfway over when four goblins on riding dogs emerge from the brush on the side where the ranger is isolated.

the ranger goes first and drops his end of the rope, since apparently we made it across unharmed, so he can draw his blade. the bard goes next and casts sleep, which disables all four goblins and one dog. i, the cleric, go next, so i tie my rope off on my end and move across the bridge. i am on the last 5' of the bridge. the wizard goes last, and uses a pathfinder-specific infinitely usable cantrip that's basically a 1d6 acid damage ranged touch attack.

next round begins with the dogs surrounding our valiant ranger, who engages them. then i move up to the last 5' of the bridge, because there's a dog stopping me getting on land, and take a swing with my scimitar. the bard's turn starts and she attempts to fire her crossbow. she fumbles it, but the only result is that she can't use her attack, so we're like, well whatever you still have a move action. come over here and help.

we-ell, it turns out that the bridge trap can be activated not only by a lever, but by sufficient weight. it further develops that the weight of two humans plus a half-orc in medium armor qualifies as sufficient weight. the trap is tripped. one side of the bridge falls slack. the three of us have to make a reflex save to grab onto the rope. the wizard makes it, but the bard and i fail.

i don't know who designed this part of the campaign, but i swiftly had cause to wonder if they had even considered how falling damage from an 80' fall would compare to a level 2 character's hit dice. suffice it to say that i am at exactly 0 and the bard is at, what, -2 and dying.

so our ranger is trying to fight off 3 goblin dogs by himself, our wizard is left hanging from the rope and unable to cast spells with somatic components, and the other two of us are in the water drowning. (i'm sinking - hooray for medium armor!) well, the bard just went, so it's the wizard's turn. how will he turn this around?

he reaches into his backpack, then withdraws and drinks a potion of tree shape.

the ranger watches in dismay as his remaining ally transforms into a tree and falls the 80' to the sea below, where he lands cushioned by the hardness of wood, dismisses the spell, and swims toward the closest person, which happens to be the bard.

while unconscious or out of breath underwater, the following happens:

if you are at zero or more hp and/or conscious, you have to make a con check or else drop to -1 and dying. if you are at -1 or lower and dying, you have to make a con check or else die outright.

we both make our con checks the round the wizard goes tree, but the round after that the bard makes hers and i do not, which drops me to -1. however, this round, the wizard manages to swim over to the bard (who was floating).

remember that potion of tree shape? remember how there were two?

so, clinging to our bard/useless wet log, the wizard then casts enlarge person on himself, in order to be able to reach my sinking body. with a str of 8, his swimming abilities are suspect. the round in which he casts enlarge person, i make my con check. the next round? fail it. bam. dead. end of story.

at least, it is for me. now we have our large-size wizard in the water with the bard, who is a useless wet log, and my corpse, while the ranger up top continues his desperate struggle against the goblin dogs. it's at right about this round that the last dog standing hits him, dropping him to 0. on his turn, he makes a last desperate attack, then falls unconscious, but not before killing the remaining dog.

unfortunately for him, it ain't over yet - those 4 goblins and that 1 dog that were put to sleep will be waking up eventually, and the only conscious party member has no way of getting up to him. fortunately, the wizard has some rope on his person, as well as a longbow. so he ties the rope to the end of one of his large arrows, fires it into the wall of the fort on the hill above him, wedges our bard into a crack in the cliff wall, drapes my mangled remains over the bard log, dispels his enlarge spell, and begins to climb.

except remember that strength of 8?

so here we are, holding our breath and counting his rolls off against the number of rounds left until the sleeping goblins wake up, as he struggles frantically upward. he makes it with just barely enough time to coup all the sleepers.

the ranger had one potion of cure light on him, so the wizard feeds it to him and gets him back up. now the only problem is how to retrieve the bard.

the bard is still a tree.

turns out that the caster can dispel tree shape at will, but since the caster of a potion is considered to be the person who drank it, that would be the bard, who is unconscious. there are two scrolls of cure light in the party, which the ranger can cast. the bard has them. the bard is now a tree. no knotholes are visible in which the scrolls might be concealed.

so they had to climb down, tie a rope around the bard log, climb back up, cross the bridge again, dragging the bard log along in the water below, and then construct a crude winch in order to haul the bard log up the 80' cliff, for the privilege of guarding her inert, woody remains for the 4 hours it took for the spell to wear off.

so i died, but somehow, i can't manage to be too pissed about it. hilarious.

[CreganTur]

In a game I was DMing the players had to travel through untamed forest to reach another city. Only two of the players could be there that night, but I'm a pretty lenient DM when it comes to attendance, we we played anyway... but I didn't change any of the planned encounters

Kell was a Barbarian/Sorcerer who prestiged into SpellSword. Zach was a Drow ranger(only used his bow- toa void the Driz'it references). They were riding down the road when a Green dragon ambushed them. They failed their ride checks and got thrown from their horses, who ran away.

They held their own against the dragon for a short time, when the guy playing Kell suddenly gets a gleam in his eyes. A couple of sessions ago they had used some dust of drying to dry up a large body of water. Kell had collected the stones that were left. 3.5 rules state that if the stone is broken, all of the water that was absorbed is released in a sudden torrent of water.

Kell turns to Zack and tell him to "shoot him somewhere really sensitive!"

Zack successfully hits with a called shot to the groin, which causes the dragon to roar in pain. As soon as it roars, Kell tosses the stone down the dragon's throat.

After a couple of rounds the dragon's stomach acid has damaged the stone enough that it ruptures. Water gushed from the dragon's every orifice for a couple of rounds (dust of drying soaks up a lot of water!) causing massive internal damage, and leaving him open to a "cu de grace" from Kell's greatsword.

The guys named this manuver the "Dragon Enema."

--------------------

In an earlier session of this same campaign the party ended up at the town of Kingsport (it's a homebrew setting), the largest port town of that particular kingdom. Kell and Zack were there, as well as the party's cleric named Rochesta de'Chesta. Rochesta had claimed a bag of tricks from an earlier adventure (I don't remember which strength it was).

They found a contact who lead them to a warehouse where the bandit organization they were tracking sold illegal magic items, along with other items. They were RPing really well, bluffing for information, when an NPC they failed to kill earlier in the game walks into the room. Instead of hiding, the party immediatly drops their ruse and attacks.

Rochesta got separated from the group and was trying to fight off a barbarian and a rogue. Reaching into his bag of tricks, he produces a badger! The barbarian rolled like crap and smacked the badger for a single point of damage, which kicked off the badger's rage ability. This is where the battle turned.

Rochesta turned his back on the barbarian, who hadn't landed a single hit against him, and could do nothing more than stand in a defensive postion and occasionally heal himself just to keep from being killed by the rogue, who he couldn't hit (bad rolls). The badger single handedly killed the barbarian, who had been at full HP a couple of rounds before (~70 hp).

Rochesta managed to land a lucky blow with his hammer, which knocked the rogue prone. He rolled an intimidate check and yelled "Surrender, or I'll feed you to the badger!"

She surrendered

[MeatShield#236]

This is a story from my early days of playing DnD

Our party had decided to split up (not a good idea) and search the criminal hideout we were in. One group got attacked by a wizard who cast Glitterdust, somehow knocked down our wizard, and ran off.

Our rather excitable cleric, hearing the commotion ran over to investigate.

DM: You see a form covered in glittering stuff rise from the ground
Cleric: I hit it!
DM: Alright! You have just hit the wizard!

[Hadrian_Emrys]

The first game I ever ran was full of fun scenes. I'm so glad my old group was full of great role players. The setup:

The party is camping out for the night when zombie elephants come tromping through. Upon their defeat , the altruistic idealist that he is, hastily decides to set them ablaze out of respect for the innocent animals they once were.

The putrid liquids oozing from the decaying carcasses take to the flame like crude oil, lighting up the clearing and filling the air with the stench of burning rot.
(Shouldn't we roll a fort save or something because of the stink?)
(If you want.)
(fail) *hork*
(fail) Oh gods, the smell! *hork*
(success) It's not THAT bad, lightweights.
(nat 20) me hungy *tears and consumes* (nat 20) yummy like mum's
/ Oh gross!
*violently purges*

[Berserk Monk]

So me and my party are doing a quest for a king so he invites us to stay the night at his castle. Good deal: free room in a fancy castle. Now, we're a fifth level campaign meaning there are a few players with races that have level adjustments, case and point a centaur. We're about to go to our room we he says "No thanks. I'll sleep in the stables and check out the stallions." This was a MALE centaur, and we decided to let him find how what a stallion was on his own.

[Deathslayer7]

I think I might have pissed my friend off with this, but we were laughing in the end.

We are in a tournament, 7 rounds. The farther you go on without resting, the more credits you earn. The team (3 man teams) with the most credits wins the tournament. So we go on for three rounds doing fine. The fourth round comes, and the speaker says it is a Kraken that we were about to fight.

I was the party's fighter (still am) and ask if anyone wants freedom of movement cast on them (I got a holy flask from earlier on that let me cast some random spells that discharged charges at a certain amount). They all ignored me, so I cast it on myself. Our party cleric gets grappled and dragged underwater. Luckily, I had cast shield other on him, so I was basically saving him from death. Unfortunately, I had to jump down into the water to fight the Kraken, otherwise I would die fast enough. I fail two swim checks with 1's, and start drowining and sinking. The Kraken makes our cleric go unconscious and comes for me. It couldn't grapple me, so it was kind of useless. I attacked it, and killed it off in one full attack.

LAter on, when I had our cleric healed, he said "You know, that all could have been saved if you would have just cast Freedom of Movement on me."

Me: "Well you obviously didn't think it through when I asked the first time."

He got so mad at me. Started making some fighters are stupid crack jokes to try and get back.

[killmaster666]

a friend of ours who moved away recintly, and always seemed to be the center of the funny moments in our campaigns was playing a fighter with 20 somthing strength (which came in really handy in this case).

we were in a huge warehouse that had been abandoned and was begining to rot and become rundown. the dm had decided 2 5 foot squares were so rotten if we stpped on them we would fall through into the tunnels below that were very VERY deep, of course i stepped on one 2 rounds into our search one of the others was nearby, i think it was a rogue, made a diving catch and had my hand and was hanging into the hole keeping me from falling but before he could pull me up he started sliding into the hole.

so the monk ran over and grabbed his hand just as he fell in but now the weight was to much for the monk who immidetly slipped and fell in. with a nat 20 the fighter made a huge jumping catch and was kind of stable holding us there.

thats when the hole crumbled more and due to some lucky rolls he was balenced with basically his toes hooking one end and his fingers grabbed on to the other side with his hand hanging down the hole grabbing the chain of us.

all making lucky ass rolls so we didn't fall to our deaths in the hole that,thanks to the dm telling us we knew had a spike pit at the bottem, when the fighter looked up to see a very dumbfounded goblin with a spear looking at him. well as i said he wasn't in any position to fight it but he figured screw it and rolled an intimidate.

nat 20 he screamed absolout gibberish at the goblin well spitting and foaming at the mouth the thing ran like a bat out of hell and due to some more very lucky rolls we maniged to get back out of the pit 2 turns later