Funny D&D Stories

[AerykVyrion]

That is awesome. A brilliantly planned scenario, by the way.

[Lateral]

I was in a game once where the party (12th level; an Artificer, a Cleric, a Rogue, a Bard (me) and a Fighter turned Dwarven Defender) was crossing a river of lava. Once everyone but the artificer had crossed, the artificer fell in. After several rounds of trying to fish him out, we got him. He was at -2. I did a quick CCW to get him out of negative, but we had another problem. It seems that he had had several bottles of oil in melt-resistant, but not heat-proof containers (so that it wouldn't ignite accidentally). They were heated to the flash point and lit on fire. When he hit the ground after we pulled him out, they all shattered (being weakened by the lava) and he was covered in burning oil. In a panic, the cleric cast Create Water on the flames before I could warn him not to. The heat of the oil vaporizes the water, which then carries the flaming oil upwards. (Our DM isn't cruel, but he plays by physics where applicable.) The fireball killed him and severely hurt a couple of us, including the cleric. He managed to Teleport us to a nearby village (Travel domain), where we healed up, rested, and Raised the artificer.

A few weeks later (read: next game session), we went back to the dungeon. This time, the artificer went first. When he made it, the cleric, who was second, let out a sigh in real life- and then promptly failed his Balance check so hard that he actually managed to knock the rest of us in.

We were all fine this time and proceeded to finish the dungeon crawl and get our asses kicked in our first-ever encounter with the BBEG.

[Ilmryn]

I was in a high level game, where we were plane-hopping, and were trying to get back to the prime material to defeat the invading Chrusten(super-powerful, extra-planar race). So we meet these two NPCs who say that they are willing to send us to the material plane. They really were bad guys, but we didn't know that. They pretend to be casting spells to send us there, but they are really casting prismatic ray. First is the Half-Celestial Hellfire warlock. Dm rolls an 8 for send to random plane. By fiat, said character ends up on prime material, and communicates the go-ahead for the rest of the party. The Drow Spellsinger, the Incubus rogue, and the elf warlock(me) all get 8s as well, and end up on the material. Left are Bob and John, an Illusionist and a Bard, both horribly unoptimized. The DM was rather flustered by rolling consecutive 8s, but he still ran the encounter as palnned, and the evil mage easily fried those two characters. The funny thing is that any of the other character could probalby have soloed that encounter! Two characters end up killed because of the prismatic ray.
The player with the bard and illusionist eventually ended up making a druid. Ask PersonMan about "A Thousand Fires"...

[DontEatRawHagis]

Red Box Gameday last week.

Our DM gives us the choice of two doors, one leads to a tomb with obviously undead beings. We check the other door and he describes it thusly:

DM: You see five orcs sitting around a round table, they seem too distracted with a boardgame to notice you. One cries out "Damn it not another 1!"

Me: Lets let them play "Offices and Managers" in peace.

Everyone cracked up except one:
Him: What do you mean?
Me: You know Offices and Managers. The Quill and Parchment game.

[DragonOfUndeath]

from Barry Trotter? oh wait that's Accountants and something

[Robert Blackletter]

from Barry Trotter?

I thought simon the sourcer

[SilverLeaf167]

Our party cleric often accidentally says "Inflict" instead of "Cure" (English isn't our own language, but we use the English terms for easier reference). The first ten times or so, I let it pass, allowing him to use the spell he actually wanted. However, as he kept doing it, I thought it might be a funny flaw-kind of thing for the character. No actual harm has actually been done, but I told him it might help if he talked in IC when using the spells. Like, "I heal the dwarf with the power of Pelor", instead of "I use Cure Serious Wounds".

[Meirnon]

Our party cleric often accidentally says "Inflict" instead of "Cure" (English isn't our own language, but we use the English terms for easier reference). The first ten times or so, I let it pass, allowing him to use the spell he actually wanted. However, as he kept doing it, I thought it might be a funny flaw-kind of thing for the character. No actual harm has actually been done, but I told him it might help if he talked in IC when using the spells. Like, "I heal the dwarf with the power of Pelor", instead of "I use Cure Serious Wounds".

How would you say it in Finnish?

[MyLifeMyMusical]

In my old group, once we were stopped on the road by a group of merchants that was being extorted by a demon that lived in a nearby cave system and so we agreed to check it out.

We fought our way to the back and were just outside the final chamber. I was playing a N/E Sorcerer/Rogue (and the rest of my party was Good) and I had picked up the evil extra-terrestrial languages "just in case," so I convinced my party to let me try to talk to the demon before we attacked him and his minion-sidekicks. So, I stowed my weapons and walked up to him and bluffed that I was there to negotiate on behalf of the merchants he had been terrorizing, saying they wanted to offer him a tribute in exchange for letting them trade freely again. He hesitantly agreed and gave me a figure to take back to the merchants. I told him that I wouldn't be able to make it out of the cave alone ("I'm just a weak little Sorcerer...") and rolled a natural 20 on my bluff check (against his crit-fail Sense Motive) and convinced him to give me his minions.

I walked out of the room, back to my party. We pooled our gold, put it in a bag and had the Cleric bless it to weaponize it against Evil creatures. (Since I couldn't touch it now,) I walked back in with the money-bag on my dagger, which tipped off the demon that something was up and he refused to take the money. So, I threw it at him, which caused the bag to explode, spilling the blessed coins all over him (throw damage, holy damage and stun) and then used a sneak attack and killed him.

Turns out, we were supposed to be utterly destroyed and be forced to work for the demon for the rest of the campaign. ... Whoops.

[SilverLeaf167]

How would you say it in Finnish?

Straight translation? "Cure/Inflict Light Wounds" = "Paranna/Aiheuta Kevyitä Haavoja".
Parantaa = Cure, heal
Aiheuttaa = Cause, inflict
Kevyt = Light (as in weight)
Haava = Cut, wound

In Finnish, words are "bended" a lot, particularly the last syllables. For example, "parantaa", the basic form, becomes "paranna", the second singular form. "taa" changes to "na".
On top of easier reference, we also use the English terms because the translated versions just tend to sound funny

[Eldariel]

I'd say "Light" would rather translate into "Pieniä" - "Small" in this case; the English adjective "Light" has many translations when it comes to Finnish.

Btw, the technical word for "bending" in English is "inflect", more or less. "To decline" for nouns in specific but of course, Finnish contains inflection in basically all categories (well, aside from particles, by definition).

[SilverLeaf167]

Somehow, I just didn't think of "small"
I was too lazy to look those other words up...

[Meirnon]

Somehow, I just didn't think of "small"
I was too lazy to look those other words up...

I like you. You get a cookie. (::)

[SilverLeaf167]

Yay, it even has chocolate chips on it!
*munch omnomnomnomnomnom munch*
*stare in terror*



It was poisoned, wasn't it...?

[Eldariel]

Somehow, I just didn't think of "small"
I was too lazy to look those other words up...

Sorry. Linguistics student

[SilverLeaf167]

I'm a pre-schooler!

[Meirnon]

Yay, it even has chocolate chips on it!
*munch omnomnomnomnomnom munch*
*stare in terror*



It was poisoned, wasn't it...?

Bah, it's just cookiethulhu brand. Insanely delicious.

Also non-euclideanly bite-sized, but that doesn't have the same ring to it.

[Tharck]

This one time I was running a 3.5 game and there were no arguements.

[Meirnon]

This one time I was running a 3.5 game and there were no arguements.

...

LIAR!!!

[Sarquion]

Turns out, we were supposed to be utterly destroyed and be forced to work for the demon for the rest of the campaign. ... Whoops.

Well you must have earned XP to hit you through the roof then?

I love using creativity in D&D. Once during my campaign they came across an evil dwarven settlement celebrating in the forests because of some reason in which the PC's didn't know of. So they decided to chop a tree down to land on one of their tankers to spill ale all over the festival and shot a flaming arrow into and they all went up in flames. The retaliation attack came and they let it come to them. The wizard used enlarge creature on the paladins lamasu making it massive (not sure on size category) but big enough to cause some of the dwarves to run in fear and ultimately run of the cliff (choosing the fall over the lamasu) and then the paladin riding the lamasu pick one up and threw him into another knocking them both off the cliff.

The whole time I was just thinking ... well this proberly why dwarves prefer to be inside the mountains and why Durkon in oots hates trees with a passion .

[NudeBovine]

SO this happened recently,

Part 1:

So my character (a kobold wizard) came out of her comma in a prison cell of an airship after they raided my parties ship last session. It was very drafty and she convinced the guard that she was dying from the cold and that his bosses would be very mad at letting her die after going through all the work to capture her. Using a nail found on the floor as a focus she manages to cast hold person on the guard, slip past, shove him into the cell and lock it tight. Grabs the blanket he was using for warmth and looks for a way out. As she moved down the hall another guard (of very low intelligence) rounds the corner and spots her from behind.

Now the DM had been making fun of my character for awhile about my kobold being like the pokemon version of dragons.

Guard (DM): what's all this then? Looks like one of the dragonlings escaped from the pen.
Me: "Craaaww!! Chi chi chi!"
DM: *stunned slience*
Me: *rolls a bluff, get lucky but not quiet enough
DM: I didn't expect that, but he isn't sure about that dragon call so HA!
Me: *cast charm person
Guard: Crikey! best get this little guy back to the pen.

I was walked all the way through the ship under a blanket by a ships guard. Bypassing all the rooms, guards..., and loot. :(

Part 2:

As I reach the pens, which only have young dragons, the more intelligent beastmaster on duty realizes something is up. I bolt for the edge and manage a tumble and bluff and a concentration check to make it look like I leap off the airship while actually casting False Gravity. I'm now walking around on the surface of the ship's hull where the hull is always "down". This little lizard proceeded to run all over the ship in places people couldn't see and rip s**t up. Reaching the engines I Metal Melt the whole thing until it collapses into the engine room, engulfing the whole rear of the ship in flames. Finally I reach the bridge and see the captain through the glass, he comes up and looks out the glass at this small scaled creature impossibly hanging off his haul.

Me: I reach out my hand and pull it back towards me like I'm pulling something. Also, I cast baleful transposition.
DM: ....
Captain: *fails will save
DM: you are now standing in the bridge, you briefly see a glint of red velvet fall away from the window and out of sight below.... You feel vagely like there should have been more to that man in your life.
OoC partymate who is in our airship trying to track me: Dude, have you seen the Twilight Zone movie?
Me: Oh s**t! I'm the f**king gremlin man!

I was the only one who got to do much that session, the others were repairing our airship and persuing. By the time they reached us I can crippled the ship, killed most the crew with the engine explosion and defeated the super strong captain with out engaging in combat once.

[Mrhelpful]

Just last week in my DnD 4.0 group, I managed to pull off a bluff of such epic porportions, it left my DM Speechless. I run a changeling warlock who isn't very good at anything but bluffing. I've stacked feats and backgrounds to give him a plus 22 to bluff.

So were are on this plane of demons and we need to to get into this tower filled with an army of demons. Our giant NPC Dragonborn paladin-one of which had gone a demon-slaughtering rampage on this plane before- want to charge, the rest of us want a distraction. No one wants to split the party too mcuh, so I volunteered to create a distraction.

I wander into the town square and stand up on a fountain, and I say the following (shifted as a demon)
"My fellow demons, as you all know, the Scourge ( the NPC Dragonborn) has returned to renew his reign of terror. You also should know that I was forced by a wizard's geas to accompany and help him. However, I bring more terrible news. The Scourge had little desire to spend much time on this plain. As such, he went to my master, the wizard, for help in devising a spellplauge to rid this plain of demons. This plague is fast and deadly, and unless we do something quick, we will all die. I have found a solution"

"The wizard I was enslaved to was insane, as Wizards often are. In my time with him, I learned he had one quirk, one weakness that he couldn't help. He loved dances, of all types. So, if we wish to live, we must dance, dance like our lives depended on it, because they do. And with a spell this powerfull, it will take a full two hours of dancing to cure us all"

Once my DM got over the shock, he told me to roll 3d20, and add my bluff bonus for each roll, looking to hit 100. I just made it. So everyone starts dancing. People bring out music, and suddenly people start taking off their clothes as well, just cause. The general comes out, and I crit to make him believe my BS tale. So the entire garrison of the tower comes out and starts dancing as well.

Eventually the DM decides to put a stop to this nonsense by having me roll endurance checks every half hour. I rolled 19s&20s every time.

[Jarveiyan]

Just last week in my DnD 4.0 group, I managed to pull off a bluff of such epic porportions, it left my DM Speechless. I run a changeling warlock who isn't very good at anything but bluffing. I've stacked feats and backgrounds to give him a plus 22 to bluff.

So were are on this plane of demons and we need to to get into this tower filled with an army of demons. Our giant NPC Dragonborn paladin-one of which had gone a demon-slaughtering rampage on this plane before- want to charge, the rest of us want a distraction. No one wants to split the party too mcuh, so I volunteered to create a distraction.

I wander into the town square and stand up on a fountain, and I say the following (shifted as a demon)
"My fellow demons, as you all know, the Scourge ( the NPC Dragonborn) has returned to renew his reign of terror. You also should know that I was forced by a wizard's geas to accompany and help him. However, I bring more terrible news. The Scourge had little desire to spend much time on this plain. As such, he went to my master, the wizard, for help in devising a spellplauge to rid this plain of demons. This plague is fast and deadly, and unless we do something quick, we will all die. I have found a solution"

"The wizard I was enslaved to was insane, as Wizards often are. In my time with him, I learned he had one quirk, one weakness that he couldn't help. He loved dances, of all types. So, if we wish to live, we must dance, dance like our lives depended on it, because they do. And with a spell this powerfull, it will take a full two hours of dancing to cure us all"

Once my DM got over the shock, he told me to roll 3d20, and add my bluff bonus for each roll, looking to hit 100. I just made it. So everyone starts dancing. People bring out music, and suddenly people start taking off their clothes as well, just cause. The general comes out, and I crit to make him believe my BS tale. So the entire garrison of the tower comes out and starts dancing as well.

Eventually the DM decides to put a stop to this nonsense by having me roll endurance checks every half hour. I rolled 19s&20s every time.

We can dance if we want to, we can leave this world behind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E45MFqtY-Q0

[Helinon]

My group is made up of a halfling rogue, human cleric, human fighter, and human scout and all of us are lvl 2. In this group, just last night, we had gone into a goblin lair and had just finished burning their supply room. Well, we go into the next room and there are 7 goblins wielding saps, very pissed at us. The rogue went down before he could even have his turn, the cleric went down after that, casting a spell, which killed a goblin at the cost of being knocked out. the scout was able to pick off 1 more before he too was knocked out and the fighter went down when the rest ganged up on him. We woke up in an old prison, chained to the wall with rusted manacles. The rouge picks the lock, the scout escapes from the manacles, the fighter busts them open, and the cleric has his removed by the rouge. Well, we had just lost all of our equipment. Armor, weapons, potions, everything. So we decided to try and get our stuff back. at this point, the cleric and the fighter were useless, having an AC of 11 each, and having no weapons. We were able to go back to some goblins we had killed earlier and get some equipment off of them. we then scoured the dungeon for our stuff. We found it, but in the room, was 5 goblins, one a cleric, a tree creature 3 hobgoblins and a hobgoblin sitting on a crude throne, who was obviously the leader. We pulled a Leroy Jenkins. We had very little armor, very little weapons and we attacked them. The rogue picked off the cleric at the begging of the battle with a sneak attack. he then got knocked out. The cleric healed him and he got back up, the fighter, who had NO armor, charged right into the lot of them and cleaved the crap outta them with his weapon. The Scout gave supporting fire and kept focusing on the leader. We slowly went through their ranks until we had slaughtered them all. We had small sized weapons, no armor, and were outnumbered by a well equipped force by 10 to 4, and won.

[Uncle_Brainhorn]

We've been playing the cheap D&D ripoff my friend made. I explain it on like page 14. We've tweaked it a LOT since then, and it works better now. But no matter how well the game works, the players are still idiots.

We had a game a few months ago. It was my sister, Jeka the ranger, and my friend, Nomad (ugh) the rogue. I was trying to make it easy on them so they didn't get massacred. I had them going into an inn basement to kill spiders. The basement is actually just a cave that the inn was built over.

Going down the stairs, the rogue decides to skip down the stairs. Skip like a little girl. So, I ask for a dexterity check. 3. He falls down the stairs and loses half his hitpoints right there.

Later, they come to a small, enclosed room stacked full of crates. The rangers starts to check the crates, but the rogue decides to use his torch to set them on fire. "In case there are spiders hiding in them."
I rule that the combination of smoke and fire kill them both several times over.

Next game, they roll the same classes with the same names. They get no points for originality. This time, we're also joined by Viking (I just gave him all the barbarian stats) named Hrothgar.

They just got back from failing a quest to escort an NPC and they were all hurt pretty bad. As a joke, poking at their ineptitude, I task them with rescuing a little girls cat from a tree. The barbarian, with 17 strength and 6 dexterity decided to THROW the ranger into the tree to get the kitten. He misses the throw, sending the ranger smashing into a wall, killing her.
The rogue decides to try and pickpocket the little girl who's cat they were rescuing. He rolls a nat 1 on the roll. I rule that he misses and accidentally punches himself in the kidney. The resulting damage kills him.

The last game we played, the ranger made a Pirate named Cupcake the Ninja Hunter, the rogue made a Ninja named Roy (just don't ask me) and Hrothgar the Viking, having survived the last game, was back as well.

Well, they were in the FIRST ROOM in a mansion overtaken by cultists. In the room was a large fireplace. They were fighting two cultists. The Ninja was disarmed and lost his sword, so he took out his dagger. The Ninja, it is important to note, had 5 strength and 7 dexterity. He also had 15 intelligence, I just guess his player didn't. He decides to throw the dagger at a cultist, and ends up lobbing it into the fireplace. After the fight, very injured, he decides to retrieve it. We all tried to talk him out of it, or to at least find something to pull it out of the fireplace with. No, he just reaches in with his hand. The fire damage kills him.

[Kaun]

The rogue decides to try and pickpocket the little girl who's cat they were rescuing. He rolls a nat 1 on the roll. I rule that he misses and accidentally punches himself in the kidney. The resulting damage kills him.

I am not sure there is a comment i can make regarding this that both expresses how i feel and doesn't violate forum rules.

[Meirnon]

I am not sure there is a comment i can make regarding this that both expresses how i feel and doesn't violate forum rules.

Sometimes there's no reasonable way to tell a player "stop being an idiot" without punishing him in the same measure of his idiotude. Idiots only understand idiotism, I suppose?

[Lycan 01]

It was also a homebrew game, so a Nat 1 may be automatically be a serious fumble. It doesn't sound like anyone complained, since the Rogue kept being an idiot...

[DontEatRawHagis]

The rogue decides to try and pickpocket the little girl who's cat they were rescuing. He rolls a nat 1 on the roll. I rule that he misses and accidentally punches himself in the kidney. The resulting damage kills him.

I have grown away from damage inducing crit fails on simple checks. Unless its Paranoia. You crit fail on a roll you either expose yourself to the enemy or do something RP hilarious.

Recently in a Warehouse 13 campaign I was running(base Spycraft 2,0), we had a martial artist/edgemaster(knife specialist) who was level 8(very powerful stats wise), miss an enemy sticking his head out of a window...twice.

Setup for this: The team is up against a gang that is using Greek fire(powder form) to burn buildings down. They discovered the book the recipe was from and also discovered that oil actually protects buildings from being burned. So we had a few characters oil up before the encounter. One player, she rolled a Tall Muscle bound bald black guy with a SAW machine gun, decided to go shirt less. Didn't help her when only one guy didn't have a gun.

Me: K the leader sticks his head out the window and drops a sack of Greek Fire.
J: I dodge.
Me: Why are you dodging? You oiled up it wont affect you.
J: I can still dodge though. *roll success*
Me: Sigh...okay you succeed to dodge, but the powder is now underneath you.

....few turns later, he still standing in the powder
Me: The leader pulls out a watergun and sprays at the ground below you.*I roll success*
J: Haha he misses me that means he takes stress damage because of my feet.
Me: He's not aiming for you. Btw the powder thats on the ground has ignited.

His turn:
J: He's still sticking out the window isn't he?
Me: Yep(a little hesitant the leader is on the second floor of a building, while J is just a melee fighter)
J: I stab up into him. *Crit Fail*
Me: Ooh thats bad. *roll for failure result* You stab your knife into the building. Full action to remove.
J: Thats alright I always have two.
His next turn:
J: I stab again.*Crit fail*
DM: Congratulations, you now have two knives stuck in the wall. What other weapons do you have?
J:

Other than that the campaign went pretty well, the team didn't move into the old building at all practically. They threw a grenade down an empty corridor, releasing one of the Greek Fire canisters, hitting no one, because the gang had its four guards by the front door.

[Lioness]

This is how we ended our last adventure...

1. We railroaded the DM [hi Mini!]. Our aim was to try to find this woman who was murdering people. We got the people who she wanted to murder into the church, and then basically said "We wait in the church until something happens"
It worked.

2. She eventually comes to the church. Bard gets her with Hideous Laughter, and I handcuff and tie her to a chair. Cleric summons guard.
It will take ~20 minutes for the guard to get there, so Cleric starts trying to convert me (rogue) to his religion. I get sick of it, and poke him (nonlethally!) with my rapier. Cue massive PvP battle. I kill Cleric. Wizard kills Bard. I attempt to kill Bard, but DM has lets original Cleric player play an NPC cleric of the same faith, because original Cleric's death must be avenged. Wizard and Cleric combined kill me. Cleric kills Wizard.
Then...turns out woman is a changeling, so she appears as an innocent bystander tied up. "Oh help me, fair cleric. These people have tied me up. I am innocent. Please let me go."
He lets her go.

Adventure failed.